Infection

Infatuation was like a disease, it spread like a virus would, took over your mind. Turned you into foolish, bumbling idiot willing to perform outrageous actions for the sake of catching the attention of the person whom you desire. It was simple-minded, to hope that one day, you would be noticed, one day, all that effort and time wasted into pining and imagining sappy scenarios will soon pay off. Like receiving an award, you do not deserve. It was selfish, and sadly pathetic. When you want something you know you cannot, and will never have. When that something was a someone and pursuing them in anyway could get you killed. You were aware of it, and yet you still silently pleaded to the person that held your tiny heart in their hands, without even realizing it.

Here you were, thrown into a world far different from your own, tasked on a mission that you practically knew nothing about, that you should be focused on solely. Because if you do not focus; then you will never see your home again. Focus, focus! But your mind could only linger on with thoughts of a boy with the ocean in his eyes and a dare devil smile.

Here you were, quietly judging others from the shadows while he shone bright like the radiant sun, bursting with kinetic energy. You've observed him like a teacher would as he moved sloppily in hand to hand combat, all loose and no coordination. He was a train wreck, a complete opposite to your refined skills. But each time one of his opponents hit the ground, you felt pride swell in your chest, along with a horrible longing ache. It was bothersome, it was an illness that couldn't be cured. You wanted it gone.

At times when he turned his head and grinned triumphantly your way, his russet hair matted to his face with sweat, he was seeking your approval of his victory; you could feel your pulse quicken, and the heat coil within you, deep down. You are forced to look away. It was too much; he was too much.

You begin discussing the plan with your subordinates for the mission. This monarchy is a false one,you informed them, it was a hunch but based on the Intel you've gotten from spying on the estranged wall worshipers, it's very likely to be true. The true royal heir should be hidden among them. In these very trainee grounds.

One of them accused you of falling behind on receiving info, you spat at them how they have been slacking as well. These walls were changing them, making them soft, forgettable, forgivable. You must stay sharp and in control, somebody had to pick up the pieces once these two mishaps screwed up somewhere along the lines.

The days go exactly like that, going over the plan in private, running through the details countless of times before they grew tired of the same old format and sought newer information.

It frightened you how much you craved a distraction from thoughts of him. It annoyed you how much you went about performing tasks such as dish washing, refilling gas tanks or feeding the stable horses, all too avoid him. The instructor approved of your readiness to work and assigned you more jobs around the camp. It helped, because you hardly saw any sign of him. Except during class sessions or hand to hand combat drills. It's there and the hours in between where you felt the hairs at the back of your neck stand; you could feel his gaze pierce through you.

What did I do? You could practically read his thoughts through his body language alone, why are you avoiding me?

He cornered you one day, you're caught red handed holding twelve heavy canisters, six in each arm, just about to store them in the supply shed.

Need any help? He said and you replied no.

You've been avoiding me, he said, and you replied yes.

Why? He stared down at you with eyes like jade stones, tentative. Your voice is stuck in your throat, when you opened your mouth, not a word came out. So you bide your time and try to think of a generic excuse.

You tell him that you only want to focus on your military training, that the date of graduation was drawing nearer and to be a part of the top ten you must avoid any distractions. It was true for the most part. To become a real Military Police Officer and live safely within the walls you needed to be at the very top of your grade. It was required for the mission as well. Your mission.

He did not look all too convinced when you brought your attention back to him. His hard green gaze bore through you. He wanted answers. The real answers. The ones you could not say. The ones that would make him loathe you. The frightening truth locked up tight, bound in chains and thorns within you. Waiting for the day it will be free to terrorize.

You are a pest.You muttered to yourself, too yourself. But he heard you, and he huffed a humorless chuckle, thinking the insult was intended for him.

So I've been told.He snorted, then looked away, tongue in cheek, as if he were internally debating whether to continue on with his prying. But he digressed, nodded to the steel canisters in your arms.

Let me give you a hand.He said, and without waiting for your reply, he plucked six of the heavy canisters from you. Your arms now straining less from the absence of added steel. When you lifted your head to meet his lightened eyes once more; you found he was gazing down at you with a softened expression. An emotion that did not fit his usual brooding face, like he was pitying you. You froze. In fear? Anticipation? Anger? You couldn't tell.

He turned than, started walking in the direction of the supply shed. All you could do was follow him.

It was the day before the graduation ceremony; when all hell broke loose. The colossal Titan had breached through Wall Rose; Trost district became a cesspool of bodies, and blood curdling screams. People scrambled over the other to avoid becoming fodder to the Titans. The monsters lumbered across the narrow pathways of the district, snatching stray humans whom failed to escape in time.

You watched it all. And did nothing but wait; with the rest of your squadron. Some wept from the losses of their team mates, some stood tall and rigid, distress etched into their soul as their wild panicked eyes darted around.

From saving the bald headed kid to saving the loud mouth who always bickered, you couldn't offer to do much else. They were not your people. No matter how much every fiber of your screamed at you to move, to help. To do something! Anything.

But you wouldn't, you couldn't. Especially now that you were being watched by one of your subordinates. You could feel him questioning your motives through suspicious amber eyes; but then the Ackerman girl came zipping into the air, capturing the attention of the other trainees. She landed with grace onto the crumbling roof top, asking for the whereabouts of her brother.

I haven't seen him since the breach.You told her truthfully, when a choking sob erupted amongst the grieving graduates. It was the Arlert boy. The confession that spew from his mouth next made your blood run cold, and your chest painfully constrict within itself. Becoming narrower and narrower until it became harder to breathe. Your eyes burned with unshed tears and your lips quivered. But you did not weep for the dead. For your fallen comrades. For Eren Jaeger.

At least not on the outside.

It was miracle. Or rather it was a shocking revelation when the boy came back to the living world. Though apparently he never died in the first place, No. He was eaten, but not yet killed. Through sheer determined will, he had become a Titan.

Watching from above as his two closest friends embraced his unconscious body; You wished it didn't have to be him. He used to be different; but now he was just like you. Just another tool to be used for war. That did not deter your affection for him, however. It only strengthened it, maybe it was because now, him and yourself shared something that was interminable. The power of shifting, becoming the very monsters that humanity oh so feared. Even though these beasts were not born but created; well it was not as if they would ever know. You hardly knew of the true history behind titans, but it didn't matter. What mattered was getting back home. That was the only goal.

He searched for you, before the day of the 57th expedition, before you tainted your hands with the blood of soldiers, his brethren. He arrived at the MP Headquarters, his pressed Survey Corps cape fluttering behind with every step he made toward you. His expression oddly unreadable, it made you anxious.

Took me awhile to find you. He spoke once he was within distance of you. You wander too much.

The rifle on your shoulder grew heavy, so you set it down, leaning it against the side of the building. He observed you do so. Something about him watching you made your skin flush, a rose tint adorned your otherwise pale complexion. Or perhaps it was just the heat getting to you.

He crossed his arms coolly, leaning near the rife you had set down. Sneaking a glance at him as you tucked platinum tendrils of hair behind your ear, you took notice of how he chewed nervously at his bottom lip. A tick of his that only occurred when he was to make a difficult decision. You braced yourself for the worst.

I'm supposed to be patrolling right now.Your somber voice broke through his agitated state and he snapped his attention to you. So if you have something to tell me, please do so quickly. You finish briskly, mirroring his posture.

He hesitated, shook his head, tapped his foot impatiently. Looked away, then back to you. He seemed so restless, on edge. Like anything would pop out and attack from the shadowy crevices of Sina at this very moment. You felt pity for him. And something else, a twinge of a little warmth in your bosom, it made you want to touch him suddenly. Make the uneasiness go away. The intensity of this feeling was overwhelming. You did nothing. Only tightened your arms around yourself and waited for his response. Mentally fighting against the zealous pressure rising from within.

Did you mean it?He asked out of nowhere. You become perplexed at his question, so he continued. What you told me in the supply shed a couple of months ago?

Embarrassment prickled at you like a thousand insects on your skin, and you immediately recoiled, without meaning to do so. What had been said in the supply shed? You had momentarily forgotten, but something had crumbled down, like the wall of Maria, something had been breached. It was you who allowed it. What with your mission so close, and your subordinates now a part of the Survey Corp. You couldn't stray your focus to nonsensical things. But he knew what you said. Deep, deep down, you knew too.

I didn't expect you to survive this long outside of training.You confessed to him. Had it not been for whatever happenstance Eren encountered prior to being eaten, he would have most definitely perished that fateful day in Trost. You still don't know whether you should feel this relief that came with him being alive, or the otherwise fear that came with him being alive, and now a dangerous beast of a titan killer. Both felt about right.

But you meant it. He said, smiling slightly now, in that charming boyish way. The teenage girl inside you swooned. But on the outside your face remained blank, revealing nothing.

Most of it.You reply, offhandedly. Attempting to be as callous as ever, but he saw right through you. His grin widening like a child's on the eve of Christmas.

He stepped closer, too close. You battled the insistent urge to retreat away from him. It was just something that came so natural to you. The impulse to flee from something that was undoubtedly problematic. And yes, this boy was indeed, a raging problem.

I'll come back to see you once the expedition has ended.He asserted, the tick now gone, replaced with that silly dare devil grin of his. Playing around the edges of his lips.

He was so elated, and for what? For something you had revealed to him in that dingy supply shed? Something that shouldn't really matter given that you and him were both soldiers of different factions, and there was a no fraternizing law between the three military groups when on duty. But it wasn't only that, it was also you, yourself. The secret of the many secrets you were guarding. You were just as much of a problem to him as he were to you.

But, goddesses be damned, if he didn't look so adorable at this moment. Yeah sure, if you make it back. You reply, shrugging nonchalantly.

I will.He grew serious, holding out his hand to you, he stuck his pinky out. I swear it.

Your eyes flickered briefly from his teal gaze to the hand he held out, and you slowly lifted your own hand, locking your pinky finger around his. A pinky swear. How unbelievably childish, and yet you were smiling despite yourself. He brought your hand to his lips, and you felt the velvety plush of skin brush across your knuckles. Your eyes widened at his chivalry, and you recoiled your arm so quickly, he burst out in a fit of laughter. You scoffed at him, rubbing the back your hand like it had been scalded. The warm feeling within your chest was blooming beautifully at this moment, running through your veins, acting as the very oxygen you breathed in. Goddesses. It felt so good.

So damn wonderfully good, that it was becoming horrible. You remember your mission, your father, your home.

Eren. You speak his name quietly, but it was enough for him to hear you. Noticing your distress, he placed a comforting hand on your shoulder,Yes? What is it?He tilted his head, his expression showed that of concern.

Concern for you. That warmth inside was spreading all over now; Like a fever. Why did it have to make you feel like you were incandescent, alight with desire when he was near, but leave you in ashes when the flames disappeared in his absence. You hated it. You hated how you loved it so much. You loved it. You loved him.

Nothing. You shook your head, coming back to reality, trying so hard to rid yourself of this unbearable sickness.I'll see you soon. You told him, and then you fled. Remembering to grab your weapon, you take off, mingling with the citizens of Sina. You do not bother to glance behind you.

Of course you will! You heard him shout your way, with just a tad bit of that Jaeger attitude. You make haste to get further away from him.

In the end, you remind yourself all it had been was a stupid insignificant crush. As any girl your age would have. A stupid, silly, rotten little crush on the boy whose passion never left his eyes, that were like the ocean you had seen only once in your life. Whose touch burned you, literally so when he ripped apart your titan like a rabid beast.

In your still silent prison, you could only question why. Why did it have to be him? Why was he the one? Why did he have to hold your heart on a string, while you desperately tried to save him from offering his on a pristine platter.

Infatuation was like a disease. It could only harm you, if you did nothing to stop it.