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Once lunch was over, Janus once again found himself not knowing what to do. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to go back to work, or if he was supposed to do something else. Before he could ask, however, he felt something pull in his chest.
Thomas was summoning him!
And it seemed like the others (or, most of them) were being summoned too, because they also appeared with him in Thomas's living room.
"Hey, guys," Thomas greeted them.
"Hey, Kiddo!" Patton replied cheerfully.
The others all chimed in with their own greetings, but Janus didn't. He was glad to see Thomas, but he didn't quite get the point of it. Instead, he just stared at Thomas and waited to see what he wanted them to do.
"Is something wrong, Thomas?" Logan questioned.
"Oh, no, I just wanted to see how things were going," Thomas told them. "Um, well. You know."
"Oh, uh- I think they're going okay so far?" Patton replied. "Janus, can you tell Thomas how you're feeling?"
It was clear that Patton was making a request, but Janus didn't know how to fulfill it. Feelings were more of Patton and Virgil's area. He was Deceit, so that wasn't really a big part of his function. Was he supposed to have feelings now too?
"I don't know," he answered after a while.
Thomas's face fell a bit, just enough for Janus to notice.
"I'm… Sorry?" he tried.
But apparently Thomas didn't want that either, because his eyes only widened to appear shocked, and he put up his hands, waving them in denial.
"No, no, you don't have to be sorry!" Thomas insisted. "I just want to make sure you're handling all this okay. It's okay if you don't know how to feel, though."
He blinked.
"How… am I supposed to feel?" he asked. "Am I supposed to feel?"
At this, Thomas came closer and put a hand on his shoulder, holding him firmly, but not enough for it to hurt. He looked Janus right in the eyes before he spoke.
"Yes, Janus, you are supposed to feel things, and it's okay to feel things," he spoke. "But we can't really tell you how you feel, unless you want to describe sensations, and we can try to help you find the right words. We can't just tell you which emotions to have, though.
Janus eyebrows creased, and Thomas let his hand fall. Janus let him without complaint, thinking that the man didn't seem very pleased with him at the moment and likely didn't want to be touching him anymore.
"Well, why don't we all watch some TV?" Thomas suggested. "I finished my work for the day early, so we can all just relax for a bit."
The other sides looked at each other for some reason, before they all agreed.
"That sounds great, Thomas!" Patton exclaimed.
"Yeah, sure I guess," Virgil added with a shrug.
"Just as long as it isn't the office bloopers again."
"We could watch The Owl House-"
"OR THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE!"
"AH!"
"Remus?! When did you get here?!"
"Just now."
And on they went, chattering and bickering and trying to figure out what they wanted to watch. They didn't ask him, and he was relieved that he didn't have to decide anything.
Relieved. That was an emotion, right?
Oh, so he did feel things. Maybe he should tell Thomas? But they'd already moved on, and it seemed like Thomas was happy enough watching TV.
Then, there was something that arose in his chest.
Something he couldn't quite name.
XXX
Virgil woke up groggily, trying to convince his brain that he did, in fact, have to wake up at some point today.
Things had been tense lately, what with everything going on with Janus, and when things got tense, that was on Virgil's shoulders. Thomas was stressing about the situation, worrying about whether Janus was okay and whether he did the right thing or not, as well as now being plagued by philosophical questions about whether his sides were people people and what the implications of the different answers were, and that alone was enough to cause a spike in the anxiety levels in the mindscape. And to add to that, everyone was walking on eggshells (or at least, mostly everyone. Remus didn't do careful) trying to make sure that they didn't screw something up with Janus. Logan and Patton seemed to be handling it all fine, and Remus just acted like he normally did. Roman was being careful, and so far, he had managed to not be too rough with him. Actually, it seemed like Roman was having an easier time handling the situation than anyone had thought.
And that just left him.
Virgil was having a really hard time dealing with this. He would be stressed enough having a new side to contend with, but this was Janus. This was the side that pretended to befriend him, pretended to comfort him, pretended to care about him, only for it to have been revealed to be fake because Janus couldn't feel those things. He couldn't feel at all. He wasn't a person, not even as much as the other sides were. And damn it, Virgil had known that Janus was different from them from the start- the others told him- but he still hadn't believed it. He hadn't wanted to believe it- he had wanted a friend, especially after the rift started to form between the sides of the mindscape. Whenever the others were angry at him, or whenever his anxiety overwhelmed him, it was Janus who had provided comfort. It was Janus who held him in his arms and helped him to breathe. And, yes, he'd noticed that Janus behaved differently in those moments, but he'd thought it was because he just trusted Virgil enough to let down his walls and let him see who he really was inside.
Turns out that there wasn't anyone inside, and Janus had only been playing a role- comforting him to keep Thomas from getting too anxious. He hadn't cared, and that had been made clear enough when Virgil had anxiously asked him why he helped him one day. He'd been feeling bad and had wanted some reassurance.
What he'd gotten was a blank stare and a monotone explanation of Janus's role for Thomas.
What he got was a glimpse into the nothingness inside him, the marionette playing at being someone.
But now he was a someone, as much as they were, and, really, he wasn't that same side who once hurt him. It was almost like he was a new side, except he seemed to remember things, and he still looked the same.
It would have been easier if Janus changed his appearance. The Janus that was here now was one that didn't fulfill roles on his own, so he acted in a way that made it more difficult for Virgil to associate him with the old Janus. But every time he looked at him, his head was filled with memories of game nights and hugs and soft smiles and biting sarcasm and-
He missed the old Janus sometimes. Or, he missed what he thought was the old Janus. He missed the ignorance.
For the others, it must have been easier to accept what Janus was. They hadn't needed to let themselves get strung along by the side's facade. To them, Janus really was just a function with a form that sat in his room and didn't interact with them. But before Virgil knew the truth, he had considered Janus to be his best friend. Wasn't it ironic that they had been friends only when Janus wasn't capable of truly experiencing friendship?
Where did that leave them now?
And so, Virgil kinda felt like crap. He was on edge, he was sad, he was irritated, and he just didn't have any other way to fix any of this other than getting over it.
But he was very much not over it, and that was made very clear the moment he walked into the living room on his way to grab some food.
Someone was sitting on the couch, alone, and even though it didn't look like Janus, he knew it was Janus.
Because it looked like Virgil was sitting on the couch.
"What are you doing?!" he exclaimed, his voice harsh.
And he saw Janus flinch and curl up tighter (and he was already curled up on the couch, making him look even more like Virgil, but Virgil didn't even question why he was curled up like that).
"Dude, you can't just transform into people like that!" Virgil scolded. "It's creepy!"
And he hadn't even meant to make his voice that loud, but he was already in a bad mood, and he hated it when Janus impersonated one of them, especially because it just reminded him of what Janus was, and-
Then Janus suddenly burst into tears.
He let out a loud sob and rubbed his eyes, and Virgil suddenly felt like such a jerk.
He knew he shouldn't have yelled at him- he didn't even know why Janus looked like him. And they'd already discussed that yelling at him right now was a bad idea. But he'd just reacted, and now Janus was sitting on the couch and crying, and there didn't seem to be anyone else around to help calm him down.
It was only him and Virgil.
"Oh, geez, shit, don't cry!" Virgil spoke hastily, not knowing what to do.
And then Janus started frantically trying to wipe away his tears and gritting his teeth to keep his mouth shut, and Virgil realized that he had accidentally given Janus a command, and he was trying to fulfill it.
"Ah, no, no you can cry!" he backtracked, trying to remedy the situation. "You're allowed to cry! Ah, fuck, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. It's okay."
But now he didn't even know if Janus could hear him, as his breathing was getting faster, and Virgil immediately figured out what was going on.
Janus was having a panic attack.
"Oh, fuck…"
Knowing he had to do something, Virgil went over to the couch and sat down next to the panicking side and slowly reached out, placing a hand on Janus's knee. He hadn't been sure whether the physical contact would be comforting or if it would make things worse, but as soon as he did it, Janus turned and latched onto his side, clutching onto the fabric of his hoodie.
"Woah, woah, okay," said Virgil. "Ah, geez- Janus, you have to breathe. Breathe with me, okay?"
He started trying to lead Janus through the breathing exercises that he used to help himself get through a panic attack, and luckily, it seemed that Janus heard him, because he soon began to shakily follow along. He slipped back a few times, descending down into harsh, fast breaths, but eventually, Janus's breathing slowed as the panic attack abated.
They sat there on the couch for a while after that, with Janus still desperately clinging onto Virgil's hoodie and Virgil not having the heart to do anything about it.
All of his anger was, for the moment at least, swiped under the rug. How could he be angry at him while he was like this?
And just when Virgil started debating whether he should pull out his phone and text someone, Logan came into the room.
"Oh. You two are here," Logan spoke, somewhat surprised. "Did something happen?"
Virgil shifted uncomfortably, making Janus let out a whimper of protest.
"Um… Janus… Had a panic attack…," he replied guiltily. "Um. When I came in, he looked like me and I freaked and… kinda yelled at him? And then he started crying and…"
Logan sighed and came over, sitting on Janus's other side.
"Janus," he spoke. "Tell us what you're feeling right now. It doesn't have to be emotions. It can be sensations if that's easier."
"I don't know. My heart's fast. My chest hurts," he answered. "Shaky."
Logan nodded, reaching out to lightly rub Janus's back.
"Okay. Thank you for telling us," he said. "Can you tell us what happened? Why did you shift into Virgil?"
"I don't know."
"Alright. That's okay. Was something already upsetting you, or did Virgil yelling scare you?"
Virgil winced at that, but he felt Janus shake his head.
"Something else?"
Janus sounded confused, like he himself wasn't even entirely sure of his answer.
"Do you want to tell us? You don't have to, but you can."
"I don't know."
"Alright. That's fine. We'll let you think about it," Logan told him. "I'll go make some tea. I'll be back in a few minutes."
Logan stood up and walked into the kitchen, once again leaving Virgil on the couch with Janus, who still seemed to be perfectly content to remain as he was.
Virgil sighed.
"I really am sorry for yelling at you," Virgil spoke softly. "I… didn't mean to make you…"
He trailed off, and Janus didn't reply.
By the time Logan returned, with a tray of tea and cookies, Janus had almost fallen asleep against Virgil's arm. He, however, blinked awake once Logan sat back onto the couch.
"The tea is still hot, so let it sit for a minute before drinking it," he advised.
Janus nodded, and then silence fell over them for a while. Logan seemed to be waiting so Janus would have the opportunity to collect his thoughts and speak if he wanted to. Virgil just stared at the steam coming from the mugs.
"... Do all of you hate me?" Janus asked finally. "Does Thomas hate me?"
The question made both of them jump. It wasn't a question they would have expected from him, but it was also just plain… sad.
"No, Janus, none of us hate you," Logan answered. "We're still getting to know you, and there's some unresolved issues from the past, but none of us hate you. Why do you think we do?"
"Virgil said he hates me."
Virgil winced again, harder this time, and Logan suddenly jerked to look at him, shocked.
"Before I was like this," Janus continued, correcting the misunderstanding. "Virgil said he hated me, and… I was thinking about that and the videos and Thomas…"
Janus let his sentence die, but they understood what he was getting at.
Virgil sighed.
"I don't hate you. I was upset back then. You remember what you told me before I said that, right?"
Janus took a moment before he nodded.
"That's why I was so upset," Virgil told him. "I was hurt, but I don't hate you."
"And none of the rest of us hate you either, especially not Thomas," Logan added. "Do you understand?"
Janus nodded again and seemed to accept what they told him, because he lifted his head and sat up a little more, though he still didn't let go of Virgil.
"Well, it looks like the tea is cool enough to drink now," Logan announced. "So let's just take a minute to have a nice, calming snack."
XXX