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Operation: G.U.I.D.E. (Part One)

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Incredible

Daring

Experiences

Written by OfficiallyWrong with properties owned by Tom Warburton

And Cartoon Network

Episode 14

The sharp tension in the air could be felt on the necks of everyone in the room. Abby gripped the steering mechanism on the ship. This was it. The final test. If she could just get through this, surely, she could save the world. The sonic boom surrounded her and her friends, piercing their ears with hot intensity. A few more...just a few more hours...She looked to her left, Wally clutching his ears about ready to explode from the pressure. Her body tensed as the sound seemed to get louder and louder.

"Eighty-nine bottles of pop on the wall!" the shrill voice sang with unbridled enthusiasm.

There was a brief silence as everyone prayed. They prayed for the end, or even for death. However, the Universe was unkind.

"Eighty-eight bottles of pop on the wall!" It started again. "Eight-eight bottles of pop! Drink one down, pass it around, eighty-seven bottles of pop on the wall!"

Abby inhaled to speak.

"Eight-seven bottles—"

"Ahh!" Wally finally stood up. "We get it! You're drinkin' all the bloody pop!" He leaned over to his leader. "Abby for the love of Christ make him stop!"

The singer of the jingle stopped briefly. "Well excuse me!" he huffed. "I'm just trying to lighten the mood!"

Wally glared his direction. "Remind me again, why he isn't locked up in a cage with a muzzle?"

Abby sighed. "Abby got sick of the whimpering."

"Well this ain't much better," he grumbled.

"We just gotta nestle him into a nice planet," Kuki, who was on Abby's right, said.

"No way," Abby rebuked. "Not with Father still after us."

"Aw, come on! I really have turned over a new leaf! I won't tell Father about you! I promise!" he pouted. "I am a reformed man!"

Wally rolled his eyes. "Well that was fast."

"Abby don't trust fast."

"I'm serious! I've renounced my evil ways! I want to try to be good!"

Kuki smiled. "Aww. Wally. You turned him good! I'm so proud of you!"

"Me? Pssh. I didn't do nothin'. He just changed his mind. And he could do it again just like that!"

"Wally's right," Abby agreed. "Sorry, Toiletnator, but we can't take any risks with this one."

The Toiletnator sighed. "I understand. Now. Where was I? Oh, right!" He inhaled. "Eighty-seven bottles—"

"Toiletnator!" Abby snapped at him. "Please. Can't you sing a different song? Any other song."

The Toiletnator frowned. "But...the 'bottles of pop' song is the ultimate travel song..."

"You wanna go back to your cell?"

He huffed grumpily. "Fine." However, his zealousness was quickly restored. "Hey! Do you guys know The Poop Song™?"

Wally's eye twitched. "What is a poop song?"

"I'm glad you asked!" The Toiletnator sat up, clearing his throat. "I feel it!" He sang to Abby, who just sat in confusion. He leaned over to Kuki. "I feel it!" he sang again. Her ears started to perk. Next, he pushed his shoulder against Wally's. "I feeeeeeeel it!"

He stood up, lifting his hands close to his chest.

"I know what to do

When I'm about to poo!

I go to the potty pull my underwear down!

Then I sit and wait, sit and wait!

Sit and wait until the poop plops down!"

Abby's eyes were wide. "This can't be a real song."

(Author's Note: It's totally a real song.)

The Toiletnator continued.

"Then I wipe and wipe till brown leaves town!

Put it in the potty and flush it down!"

"Dear Lord, kill me..." she whispered.

Before he could make it to the bridge of his song, however, a voice from the back cleared its throat, quieting the room. Hoagie peeked in, holding onto the doorway for stability.

"Am I interrupting something?" He asked between chortles.

"Where the hell have you been?!" A livid Wally shouted at his friend.

"Working," he replied bluntly.

"How?! You can't see nothin'!"

Hoagie frowned. "I can see things close to me. I'm not completely helpless."

"You need me to be your eyes!" Wally shot up at the opportunity. Kuki quickly acted on the same impulse. "Let's go. Far, far away from here."

"No way!" Kuki snapped. "I wanna go!"

"Kuki," Wally shook his head. "What do you know about machines?"

"Well..." she blushed. "Not much but I'm willing to learn." She looked at Hoagie with pleading eyes. "Take me with you," she whispered pathetically.

"Uh, thanks for the offer guys but I just need to talk to Abigail for a second." There was a pause of slight confusion. "Privately."

Abby's back stiffened.

"If that's okay."

"Sure," came her almost too cool reply. "Uh, Wally you steer the ship. Like we practiced."

Wally backed up, a slight smirk appearing on his face. "Oh, I got it."

Kuki plopped down disgruntled, unable to hide her feelings of annoyance as Abby and Hoagie left the room. "What are you smiley about?"

He grinned widened. "Nothin'."

The Toiletnator gasped. "You do like my song!"

"Fuck of, Kleenex!"

He grinned. "He feels it..."

Kuki smiled. "He feels it?"

Wally narrowed his eyes at Kuki. "Don't you d—"

"He feeeeeeeels it..." they sang together.

Abby stood ready as Hoagie walked down the hall with one hand on the wall. She couldn't help but feel slight twinges of anxiety whenever his steps weren't perfectly in alignment.

"So, uh," she wanted to be the one to start. She knew where this was going. She could be incredibly tactless sometimes, and if the last four hours were any indication, now was not the time to be tactless. "I didn't tell nobody."

Hoagie stopped.

"In case you were worried."

"I wasn't worried."

"Oh."

The thick silence fell around them again, with only the vague sing-song voices from the captain's bridge echoing around. He finally stopped at a door, whispering to himself how he believed it was the right one.

"I wouldn't tell anyone," she tried again.

"I know." He opened the door. "I need to show you something."

The room was filled with gadgets and tools in places where they really shouldn't be. Hoagie tried his best to navigate his way around the junk but tripped and fell by stubbing his toe on the side of a bed. He let out an audible gasp.

"God, I need shoes," he hissed under his breath.

Abby rolled her eyes and lent him a hand. "Jeez. You're gonna kill yourself one of these days." He stood to his feet as her eyes popped out of her head. "I didn't mean that."

But Hoagie let out a heartfelt and genuine laugh which eased her anxiety. He pulled out the small wooden box he had been slaving away on.

"Did you fix it?!" Abby gasped, rushing to the bed.

Hoagie twitched. "N-no. Not exactly," he admitted. His voice went into a lower register. He picked up the box, aiming it at the wall. Twisting the crank, the song pop-goes-the-weasel played, a bright blue light bursting forth. Abby stood there stunned, but Hoagie just glared at it disappointedly. "It looks like it works. All the mechanisms do what they're supposed to do. But when I try it, even with the nostronarium, it just isn't enough." He sat back on the bed. "I've taken it apart and put it back together over a hundred times. I don't get it. I don't get how rubber bands and paperclips and wood planks and superglue could produce such advanced technology."

"Maybe if you had your glasses it'd be easier."

Hoagie shook his head. "There's something missing. And it isn't something we're going to find out there..." His face hardened. "It's something I'm missing. If I had my memories I'd be able to figure out what it is, but if we had our memories we wouldn't need the recommissioning module. I've tried everything I can think of. It's like there's a curse on it. Like only a kid could truly make it work..." He laughed. "That sounds stupid."

Abby shook her own head. "2x4 technology ain't supposed to be used by Adults. Even the Delightful Children can't get a grasp on it despite bein' ex-KND operatives."

"And we're running out of time..." He cupped his forehead in his hands. "I just don't think I can finish before we reach our destination," he sighed. "I didn't want to disappoint you. I know how much you wanted your friends back. But this is beyond me." He dropped his hands. "I'm so sorry."

Abby looked at him for a while, letting the words sink in. She rested a gentle hand on his shoulder. "It was a long-shot anyway." He didn't look up. "I'm sure we'll find a way to finish the mission without it."

"What about you?" he asked.

"Me?"

"I know you want to see your team again."

Abby smiled. "What you talkin' about? My team's already here."

Hoagie's head lifted, finding her gaze.

Her eyes twinkled, as though she was holding a precious secret. For the first time in ages, she could feel them laughing. She grabbed his arm, yanking him. "So no more sittin' in the dark."

"Abby." Hoagie was hesitant. "Didn't you hear what I said? I can't get our memories back."

"Then we'll just have to make new ones."

"You're taking this a little too well."

"Yeah, well," she shrugged. "Maybe it's for the best." She held tightly to his arm. "Hey. Now that we're finally gettin' close to finishin' the mission, it'd be cool if we could all just spend time together. I-If you want." She let go, bringing her hand close to her chest. "You think you'd, uh, wanna do that?"

"I'm pretty sure you're stuck with us either way," he teased.

"No, I, do you-," She swallowed. "I mean would it be okay if—" Her hand clasped over her face. "This is hard."

"What?"

Abby couldn't bring herself to look his direction, instead finding a point on the ground to stare at. Her cheeks were burning, her heart pounding in her ears as she forced out the words: "Do you...want to...be friends..."

Hoagie blushed.

"With me."

The corner of his lips twisted up. "S-Sure."

Abby nodded. "Cool."

She didn't know what it was about being a Teen that made things so difficult. Her mind raced back to when she was a young child, before the Kids Next Door, a time she barely ever thought back to. The little girl staring at the kids and the other end of the sandbox, holding a bucket and a shovel. Would they look over? Could they see her? What if they said no? She wanted to stick her head in the bucket.

"So. You wanna go upstairs? Take a break?"

"Yeah. That sounds nice."

"Everybody!" The Toiletnator's voice rang shrilly. "Bye-bye poop!"

"Bye-bye poop! Bye-bye poop!" Kuki sang along with cheer.

Wally's head shifted toward her. "You are dead to me."

"Then I pull up my pants, wash my hands!

Wash my hands and do a Potty Dance!"

Kuki and the Toiletnator danced a polka jig around Wally, who was just about to scream. Abby and Hoagie walked in on the scene. Abby covered her mouth trying not to laugh while Hoagie looked on, not really understanding or seeing what was before them.

"Abby!" Wally whined. "Thank god you're back! Save me! I can't take it anymore!"

Hoagie chuckled. "Dude. What is even happening right now?"

"It's Armageddon! The Rapture! It's torture! Make it stop!" Wally covered his ears.

Kuki and the Toiletnator continued to dance, making musical interludes with their voices.

"So. This is how the world ends," Hoagie finally remarked. "Not with a bang, but with a polka."

Abby smacked him gently in the arm.

LOCATION: Encroaching on Teen Territory

The Teen Planet Bacchanus was one of the only places in the galaxy that outlawed both Children and Adults. Teenagers were a unique breed of creature, ones who no longer possessed the innocence of a Child but rejected the discipline of the Adult. For this reason, controlling the Teen was one of the most difficult tasks a planet could undertake. Many planets ignored them or called them out as menaces to their societies. And while some Children enjoyed having them around, the Teens themselves were not thrilled about living such simple lives as that of the Child. The customs of the Teenager were alienating to other communities, sometimes even destructive. Many Adults attempted to discipline the Teens by forcing them to work or into education. Some responded well and did as they were told. Others rebelled and escaped into the cosmos. Thus, what came to be known as "Teen Territory" was highly unpredictable. The Teen Planet Bacchanus was one such place. Depending on where you landed, you could have an entirely different experience, as the members of Sector V would soon discover.

Bacchanus' Teen-only policy was to protect their way of life and to prevent the Adolescents from being nagged. Since the virus had not affected this planet, there was no reason for Adults to be a part of their emerging culture. While Teen Territory was relatively new in the history of the Universe, Bacchanus was the oldest of the planets and therefore the most advanced technologically. They, unlike some newer more rebellious planets, still had loose ties with the other territories including, to Abby's relief, the G:KND. She knew very little about these outer territories because the information on them was left in the RESTRICTED section of the Galactic Kids Next Door's Universal Histories Code Module (what you are currently reading). No one from Earth was allowed to look at their documents without permission and not even Nigel Uno, the Earth representative, really knew its contents.

Abigail Lincoln and her makeshift army may have been floating in space unknown before, but in many ways where they were headed would be the biggest mystery they'd face yet.

This did mean, however, one thing.

To enter the territory, they had to get rid of the Toiletnator.

"Just dump the guy," Wally said. "Put him on an asteroid or somethin'."

"Wallabee!" Kuki gasped. "He's your family!"

"So?!" he griped. "He tried to kill me!"

"He didn't try to kill you..." Kuki tried.

"Yes, he did!"

She shrugged. "Only a little bit. And then he apologized."

Abby finally stepped in. "The S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. is in the Teen Territories which means we can't bring in anyone over 21," she explained. "So we can't take him in, but we can't just dump him either."

"Why not?" Wally grumbled. "It'd make our lives a hell of a lot better."

"Because he might go to Father and tell him everything!" Abby reminded him. "If Father tracks us out here and we lead him to the G:KND, the damage would be irreversible." She tapped her foot, her mind trying to formulate a plan. Nothing was coming.

Kuki clasped her hands together. "What do we do?"

"Lie."

The three turned to look at their fourth teammate who nonchalantly sat with his feet on a chair and his face toward the ceiling. Hoagie was only half paying attention at this point, trying to focus without his glasses was starting to give him a headache.

Abby frowned. "Lie?"

"Like people don't lie about their age all the time," he continued sarcastically. "Lou is a human, like us. We have shorter lifespans than these beings. Hell, they may even be immortals like the kids on Aqueous. How are they going to tell the difference between ten or twenty years?"

Kuki wrung her hands together. "That's a good point."

"So what, give'em fake IDs?" Wally asked.

"Nah," Abby jumped in. "They're trickier than that. It'll probably be some test."

Kuki whined. "Ugh. A test? I hate tests."

She thought about this plan. "Well, Abby don't like it, but we may not have a choice. Though, gettin' an Adult to pass a test designed for a Teen won't be easy."

"First thing's first," Kuki said. "We gotta do something about those clothes."

The four looked at their fifth companion who was standing there the whole time, wide-eyed and confused.

"You guys keep talking about me like I'm not—"

"I mean, look at him," Kuki continued. "He's a literal walking toilet bowl."

Abby sniffed herself, recoiling. "Oof. I think we all could use a wardrobe change."

Kuki gasped, slamming her hands into her cheeks. "Do you think we'll have time to go shopping!"

"I still need glasses," Hoagie reminded them.

"And we ain't even taken a break since we left," Wally said. "Every time we try, somethin' always happens."

"It's like the Universe is conspiring to keep us on this journey as long as possible," Kuki agreed.

Abby rolled her eyes. "The Universe don't conspire to make things happen. We just hit a string'a bad luck is all."

"Um...hello?!" The Toiletnator waved his arms around frantically. "What about me?"

"Yeah. What are we gonna do with Potty Mouth?"

"Actually," Toiletnator raised his finger in lecture. "Potty Mouth is a different toilet-themed villain. I know. I know. It's very easy to get confused. He isn't as cool as I am though. Right, Numbuh 4?"

Wally's voice flattened. "I regret everything."

Hoagie blinked. "Of course there are two toilet villains. Of course there are."

Abby sighed. "Alright, Toiletnator. Looks like we're gonna have to teach you how to be a Teen." She smiled slightly. "Think you can handle that?"

"You can count on me, Sir!"

"Ooh!" Kuki jumped up. "I wanna do his outfit!" She grabbed Abby's hat off of her head and pulled the Toiletnator out of the room. "This is gonna be so fun!"

"Hey!" Abby chased after them. "Numbuh 3!" The boys could hear her voice echoing through the ship halls. "You better not be puttin' Numbuh 5's hat on that villain. Numbuh 3!"

Wally tilted his head. "What is with her and that hat?"

Hoagie shook his head, not having an answer.

"Yo-yo-yo, wazzup mah skizzles?"

"Please die." Wally stated sourly.

The Toiletnator, who was wearing a make-shift outfit Kuki put together with a grey jacket, baggy pants, and Abby's hat put sideways on his head, gave his ex-nemesis a pout that rivaled all puppies.

Abby's hands were in her hair. "Why is it that when Adults try to act like kids they always just stereotype black kids from the nineties?"

Kuki gave an awkward laugh. "Pfft. Right. So dumb." Quickly, she leaned into the Toiletnator's ear. "Forget everything I ever told you."

"Aww, shucks you guys. I don't think I can do this," the Toiletnator sulked. "Maybe you should just leave me on an asteroid. To wither away into nothing in the cold emptiness of space..."

Wally huffed. "Sounds good to me." But backed off when he saw Kuki growling at him.

Abby walked up to the villain, putting on an agreeable smile. "Nah, you'll get it. You just...maybe have to be less, uh, what's the word?"

"Racist," Wally stated.

"Look. The harder you try to act like what you think a Teenager is, the less likely they're gonna believe you. So just relax, take a deep breath, and lose the hat."

Kuki sunk. "I liked the hat."

Abby fluffed up the Toiletnator's hair. "First off, we can't keep callin' ya Toiletnator. No matter how old you are, that'll get you kicked outta Teen Territory for sure." She put her hat back on her head, where it belonged. "Second, bein' a Teenager ain't about knowin' the right words to say or even dressin' like you just rolled outta bed...although, Kuki, that's a pretty damn good job."

"Thanks!" she froze. "Wait..."

"Bein' a Teen is all about attitude."

"Oh!" Lou jumped up and down. "You mean like this!" He stuck his lip out along with his right hip, crossing his arms. Wally slammed his hand into his face as Kuki started snickering uncontrollably.

"N-no. The best way to convince anyone you're a Teenager is if you think you know everything but really you don't know shit."

He looked at her confused.

"Just act like no one is right and you hate everything," Abby clarified. "Basically, act like Numbuh 4."

Wally flushed. "Hey!"

"What? You're the most Teeny Teen Abby knows." She pushed him toward Lou. "Go on, show'm."

Wally groaned and rolled his eyes. "Do I have to?" he complained, dragging out his words.

Abby grinned. "See? Piece'a cake!"

But Lou still looked nervous. "Can't I just do my rap for the—"

"No!" All four shouted in response.

LOCATION: Outer Teen Territories

Abby shrunk a bit as she stared into the dead eyes of their Alien examiner, who was humanoid enough to have readable facial expression. And from what she could see, that facial expression was nothing short of complete and utter boredom. Their grey skin and dark hair was unwashed and unkept, their eyes like a fog. They were the very depiction of a rainy day in the form of a being. Abby could even smell what she identified as dampness coming from them. They appeared to be chewing something, leaning down on the desk where they looked the team up and down.

"Welcome to Bacchanus," they said unenthusiastically. "State your business."

Abby stepped forward. "Hi. We need to get to your S.L.I.N.G.S.H.O.T. as soon as possible..."

The dead eyes didn't flinch. "It's under repair."

"Under repair?" Abby couldn't believe this. "For how long?"

The Alien shrugged. "Like a day. Maybe two. How should I know? I don't work for them."

Abby's head fell to her chest. "Great. That's just great."

"Well, we did say we wanted some time to rest," Hoagie reminded her.

"By day..." Abby asked. "What exactly do you mean?"

The Alien's face scrunched. "You don't know what a day is?"

"No, I know-" she tried to save herself. "What a day is I just wanna make sure you know, you know? So you don't say day n'we end up here a year."

They continued to stare at her blankly. "Yeah so a day is when the big shiny thing in the sky moves all the way around one of the big planets. Bacchanus, where we are, that's a plan-et—"

"Yeah, I get it."

"When it's light outside, that's called daytime."

"Right. I was just—"

They continued to speak condescendingly. "And then when it gets dark, that's called nighttime."

"Yes,I know!" Abby snapped. "So one to two days then..."

They shrugged. "Give or take."

Suddenly, a hand shot up. "Excuse me!" Lou waved it around. Abby tried to ignore him. "Numbuh 5! Yoo-hoo! Hey!"

"Jesus...What?!" Abby snapped.

"How come you guys can understand what the Alien is saying?" he asked. "Is there a special code? Are they reading your mind?"

She pressed her face to her palm. "Fuck. Uhh," she turned back to the Alien. "You don't happen to have one of those...translation worm things on hand, would you?"

"Earworm," Hoagie said proudly, and Abby gave him a sour look.

The Alien stopped for a moment before pulling out a bucket of glowing, fat, wiggly worms of various colors. "What color?"

"What's that? Can I get the pink one?!" Lou gasped, jumping up and down like a child.

Kuki grumbled. "No fair. I want a pink one."

Hoagie held his ear, putting together what was happening. "Don't think about it, don't think about it," he repeated to himself.

Abby gave Lou a pink worm and as he asked her what exactly it was that it did, the parasite slithered into his ear. He screamed at the top of his lungs, dancing around as the technology nestled into his ear canal. Before he could say anything, Abby was back at the counter.

"We need access for five," she finally said.

"Alright," The Alien sat up. "Let me inspect them."

Kuki grabbed Wally's hand, swinging it giddily. "This is so exciting. Aren't you excited?"

Wally rolled his eyes. "Hungry is what I am."

"You're so cute when you're hungry."

"You're cute when you're thirsty—" he said with a smirk.

She flushed, smacking him. "Wally, stop!" She brushed her hair back. "Not here."

"Wow," The Alien said. "You guys are gross." They went down. "Definitely Teens."

Kuki ran to the counter. "How did you know?!"

"Puppy love relationship that's ultimately doomed?" they laughed. "Those outfits? Yeah. It's not hard."

Wally became a fire engine. "Hey! Our relationship is just fine, thank you very much!"

"Yeah!" Kuki responded defensively. "My Wallybear is the best boyfriend ever and you're just jealous!"

But the Alien didn't emote. "Oh god it's worse than I thought."

"Jeez," Hoagie whispered to Abby. "What an asshole." He rolled his eyes up for a second. "Is asshole a gender-neutral word? It should be a gender-neutral word. I mean everyone's got one right-"

"Next."

Hoagie took his cue and stepped up to the counter. "Uh," he started. "I'm not sure what to do here."

"Oh, you don't have to do anything. You reek of Teen."

"I do?"

"Let me guess," they said, putting on a more whiny, facetious voice. "Nobody understands me or my pain. I suffer so much even though I literally have no problems. I'm so weird and nobody likes me—"

He flinched, laughing. "Oh-okay you can stop—"

"I mean could you be any more desperate for attention?"

Hoagie flushed, trying to keep his smile on. "Yeah. We get it. Thank you very much for that insight." He tried to walk away.

But the Alien stopped him. "Pro-tip. You're not special. Everyone is depressed where you're going."

Hoagie didn't know what to say to that.

But Abby did.

"Wow. Okay," She walked up to the desk. "Lemme give you a pro-tip..."

"Abby—" he tried to stop her, but she waved her hand in front of his face.

"Nuh-huh. You think you can talk about my friends like that and not expect me to come over and whoop yo' Alien ass? I don't care how many there are I will whoop all of them."

"Ooh! Numbuh 5! Can I go next!"

Abby slowly turned around to see Lou waving at her. She groaned. "Yeah. Sure." She glared back at the Alien. "Don't think we're done here."

"No." The Alien looked at him harshly.

"N-No?"

"You expect me to believe that thing over there is a Teen?" The Alien laughed. "Look at it."

"I—"

"Sorry. No kids allowed."

Lou slammed his foot down. "Hey! I'm not a kid!"

"If it was an Adult I might be able to sneak them through. Adults come here sometimes when they want to escape the working world and for, like, weird business retreats. But kids? No way. Fuck that."

Lou pouted. "But I am an Adult!"

Abby's hand found itself in the very familiar place on her forehead again. "He's just...different," she tried.

"I'm an Adult! I am! I am! I am!"

"Will you stop that?" Abby yanked him back. "You are making a scene."

"I am just as much an Adult as any other Adult! No matter what Father says!" He screamed.

"Oh no don't talk about...not here..."

"Always telling me what to do. Thinks all I'm good for is cleaning toilets. I'll show him! I'm not even gonna mention his name! You hear that? You're dead to me! Dead! You miss my birthday every year and I'm supposed to do whatever you say? Well tough...table napkins, Bub!"

Kuki whispered to Hoagie, whose mouth along with Wally's was on the floor. "Oh, he's good."

"I'm gonna go to this new planet and forget all about you! Ha! Then we'll see who needs who! I don't even have to do what you say anymore! You don't know me! In fact, from this point on, I'm not even gonna call myself by my name. That's right! From now on, my new name is...Louis! And you don't get to call me that. You don't get to do anything anymore ever! Cause you know what, Benedict? You're not my dad!"

"Swear," Abby whispered to him.

"You're not my...flippin' dad!"

She sighed. "Close enough."

Silence fell over the room as all eyes rested on the Alien at the desk. Finally, they walked around the desk. "Whoa. I felt that."

"You did?" They all seemed to ask at the same time.

The Alien nodded. "If I had a dad. I would definitely feel that way."

"But Father's not my dad."

They put a hand on their chest and exhaled. "That's deep," they replied as they nodded.

"No. He's my boss."

"If he's your boss he can't be your dad."

"Right." Even Lou was starting to get confused now. "What?"

"And if he's your dad, he wants to be your boss."

"I don't know...what you're saying..."

"He'll never be your dad."

"He's not my dad."

"And he never will be."

"Right."

"I'm totally emotional right now."

"Does he pass or not?" Abby asked, irritated.

The Alien shushed her. "I feel like someone finally understands me." They smiled. "Fuck you, Dad. I don't know what it means, but something about it just feels right."

"Yeah!" Lou now Louis exclaimed flinging their arms into the sky. "Fuck you, Dad!"

"You," The Alien continued. "Are the coolest Teenager I have ever met."

Abby shrunk. "Oh no please don't tell him that."

Kuki sniffled squeezing her boyfriend's hand. "They grow down so fast..."

"Great. He passes. Let's go—"

"Whoa! Whoa..." the Alien stopped her. "What about you, oh responsible one? You think you're gonna get past me without a test? Someone who doesn't even know what a day is?"

Abby glared at the Alien for a solid ten seconds before responding flatly. "You got any iced coffee?"

The Alien looked at her for a few seconds.

"You all pass."

As they entered their ship which was now approved to go to Bacchanus, the Alien waved one last goodbye to them. "Goodbye, Louis," they said solemnly, mouthing a very distinctive 'call me' after. But Lou now Louis had no idea how to get ahold of them nor did he recognize what was happening, and simply waved like an idiot.

"I mean Kuki and my relationship is perfect."

"Uh-huh."

"It's got a few kinks, but every relationship has kinks."

"You bet."

"That Alien doesn't know what they're talkin' about." Wally looked at his friend, who was slumped over with eyes darting out the window. "You okay, Mate?"

"Sure. Great. Never better." He turned closer to the window. "Not triggered at all."

Wally pursed his lips before continuing. "Like I said. That Alien doesn't know shit. Just assumes everything. So, don't let it get ya down, M'kay? Besides, assuming mental illness is just a plea for attention reinforces harmful stereotypes so fuck giving any attention to that."

Hoagie smiled quietly beneath his pinkening cheeks.

"Still, it's good to know 'Fuck you, Dad' is a universal language."

Hoagie started to crack a grin.

Wally beamed. "There it is. There's that smile..." He nudged his "best friend" with his shoulder until the boy rolled his eyes and gave in.

"You're right, though. Your relationship does have a lot of kinks."

Wally started to crack himself. "Ha. Ha."

"So very kinky."

"You and your cruddy jokes," he said as he playfully nudged him once again.

Kuki crawled over and sat next to Abby, her eyes shining with anticipation. Never a good sign.

"So I was thinking..."

Abby's cheek was lodged into her palm, resting on the window. "Mhmm."

"You know how that meanie Alien liked the Toiletnator? I mean really really liked him?"

"It really is a mystery," she said.

"Well it got me thinking. About how we can you know..." Kuki put her palms together and curved them around to the right, as though to signal a circumvention. Abby lifted her brow, interested but skeptical. "Okay so get this. What if when we're on the Teen planet...we..." she paused in anticipation. Abby hated anticipation. "Set Louis up on a date!"

Abby wasn't convinced. "A date?"

"Doesn't that sound like fun?"

"Set an Adult up with a Teenager? No that does not sound like fun."

"Well, technically most of those Teens are immortals, right?" Kuki asked.

"I don't know," Abby replied. "And it ain't safe to assume that. The Toiletnator is a middle-aged man. He's gotta be with a middle-aged someone."

"But if he met someone and fell in love then he wouldn't want to be with us anymore! Plus, he could find true happiness and wouldn't have to go back to Father either! It's the perfect plan! I'm the matchmaking Queen. I totally got this."

Abby was hesitant. "I dunno Kuki..."

"Trust me. Perfect plan. You'll see."

"Uh-"

"You will see."

Location: DYSTAL CITY ON THE TEEN PLANET BACCHANUS

Swirls of black smog hovered over the brightly lit city, flashing with the occasional pink and green solar storm. Dystal City certainly looked like something out of an cyberpunk dystopia, with towering buildings and neon signs plastered on nearly every corner. The streets were packed with vehicles, mostly those that hovered and flashed their lights at the bottom of their wheels. The Teen Aliens also glowed, their bodies coated in luminescent paint. From the air, they would appear as glowsticks. Stacked on top of the buildings were chimneys shooting the smog into the air. The streets were chaotic, violent, loud. Broken glass, empty bags, and cigarette buds littered them. Screeching music blasted from the rooftops of nearly every building. Abby tried to make herself small as she walked through.

She felt strange.

Normally, these scenes were nightmares to her. She hated the TEENZ' loud music and usual party scene. The destruction, the chaos, it wasn't her thing at all. However, the more she inhaled the odd smelling air, she felt almost happy. Happy and something else...like all of her worries were just melting away into the black tar above her. She wasn't thinking about the mission, so much so that she had to keep reminding herself why she was there to begin with. She checked in with her friends and Louis, who seemed to be having similar reactions to the pandemonium.

"Wowy wow wow!" Louis spun around taking in the sights. "This place is happinin'!"

"Don't say happenin'," Abby grumbled.

"What do you guys wanna do first?" Louis asked, excitedly clasping his hands together. "Ooh! We could go to the park and play parcheesi!" He gasped. "No! Balderdash!"

Kuki gently nudged Abby, holding Hoagie with her other arm.

"You know what?" Abby said. "We have to find Hoagie some glasses so why don't we focus on that?" But Kuki kept nudging her. "Kuki. Would you like to take the Toil-I mean Louis to the mall?"

"There's a mall?" Hoagie asked. Abby shrugged.

"Yes! Let's go to the mall!" Kuki exclaimed.

"Slight problem," Hoagie whispered. "We don't actually have any currency to pay for—"

"I'm gonna buy a whole new wardrobe!" Kuki beamed. "And shoes! Oh, I missed shoes!"

"Uh, yeah. Great. But as I was saying we need something to exchange for the product. I mean if there's a mall they must use some kind of currency, although they could possibly be merchants and traders in which case maybe we could haggle."

"Maybe you can trade him," Abby quipped, peering over at Louis.

Hoagie frowned. "You're on the good team, aren't you?"

Kuki grabbed Louis' hand, swinging his and Hoagie's like a pendulum. Before she broke off, she whispered to Abby with a wink. "Don't worry, Abby. Kuki Sanban is on the case!"

"Oh, wonderful," Abby replied flatly.

"Take care of her, Wally!" Kuki called. "Don't do anything stupid!" Hoagie tried to speak as she dragged him and Louis off into the crowd.

Wally looked at Abby after she was gone. "Wanna get high?"

"Absolutely not." `

"Oh, come on!" He whined. She walked away from him. "Just an eency weency bit?"

"No!"

Wally huffed. "Alien planet and we can't even get high on alien drugs. What kinda vacation is this?"

"It's not a vacation! We're still on the mission!"

"Okay, jeez." Wally grinned. "How'm I supposed to get your deepest darkest secrets if you don't ever let loose?"

"Abby don't have secrets."

He scoffed. "Oh, really? Then what's goin' on between you n' Einstein?"

Abby stopped.

"You two're gettin' along again. When did that happen?"

"We get along just fine and you better not go botherin' him," she growled.

"Why? Afraid I'll find out your not-secrets?"

"Nothin' is goin' on, Wally," she said. "We were just goin' over mission stuff."

"Uh-huh," he smirked. "Mission stuff."

She glared at him. "You're infuriatin'." Picking up the pace, she sped up a few feet ahead of him.

"All that super important mission stuff."

"Fuck off, please."

Hoagie picked up the frames of a pair of glasses, squinting hard to study them. They seemed sturdy enough, although at this point he was more concerned about how long it would take them to get a prescription. He knew that an advanced alien society such as this one would possibly have the ability to give him a temporary fix. However, he wasn't sure what that meant. These species could be evolved well beyond the need for glasses but if that were the case he wouldn't be holding what he was holding. He looked back at the frames. He supposed he lucked out, but he was still nervous about the whole thing.

Overhearing Kuki's conversation with the cashier didn't help either, as she desperately tried to pawn off their beloved Toiletnator for the third time since they left the others.

"He speaks twelve languages!"

"We...have universal translators," the Alien at the counter said.

Louis tried to interrupt. "And also I don't—"

"Don't you think he's got great hair?"

But the Alien tilted their head. "What is a hair?"

"Ugh!" Kuki raised her hands in the air. "This is hopeless!" She looked at Hoagie. "Haven't you picked something yet!"

"Well excuse me if I have a very particular face shape with very bad vision!"

He picked up another pair, moving closer to the mirror.

"Uh..." a voice came from behind him. "What's your friend doing?"

"Trying on glasses," Kuki said. "And being really really slow at it!" She made sure he heard her berating him.

Hoagie ignored her.

"You guys aren't from around here, are you?" the cashier asked. "I've never seen your kind before."

"We're humans!" Kuki said too excitedly before clasping her own mouth. "Ooops I mean...dammit."

"I dunno what that is," the Alien said. "Hey you. Dork in the pajamas."

Hoagie blushed. "Pajamas?"

"Press the button on the side of the frame."

Hoagie felt the edge of the seemingly plastic frame, finding a small button right where the Alien said it would be. He pressed it and the lenses immediately glowed red. He flinched, startled.

"Oh, wow! Neato!" Louis gasped.

"Now put them on."

Hoagie did. At first there wasn't much of a difference but after a few seconds, the glass brightened. Soon, he was staring through the glasses at himself in the mirror, too close for his liking, his vision the clearest it had been his entire life.

"They adjust to your sight to give you optimal vision," the Alien said. "Haven't you worn glasses before?"

Hoagie winced at his face in the mirror. He kind of missed his blurry vision, where he didn't have to see his freckles and emerging rosacea. His eyes were a brighter blue than he remembered, though, and he was now beginning to see what Wally meant about his teeth.

"Not only will they enhance your vision, but this model's from the Adult company that created the E.A.R.W.O.R.M. They translate the words you see into your native tongue." They rolled their three eyes.

"It is an earworm!" Hoagie shouted, excitedly. "I knew it!"

"Yeah. Basic tech."

He laughed awkwardly. "Y-yeah. Totally basic."

Kuki ran over to him. "Whoa! You look like you're going to discover Atlantis!" she said admiring the large, round black specs.

"They're a little..." Hoagie pushed them up from the ridge. "Old."

"Ooh!" Louis brought over a pair. "Let me try!" He handed Hoagie another pair of black glasses, this time square with extremely thick frames.

But Hoagie wasn't impressed. "I feel like Portlandia."

Kuki giggled. "You look like you play vinyl records."

He pushed them up.

Hoagie played with his hair, which he also hated and now did not have a hat to cover. That was the next thing on his list, if he could afford it. He took off the glasses, trying a few more on. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a strap of leather, but he looked up not wanting to think about where that would lead. Red and square, Brown and round, wire to plastic he must have tried on at least thirty pairs. He finally settled on a classic full black frame, medium thickness. Still, his eyes moved down to the leather strapped object, which he now recognized clearly as a pair of aviator goggles.

He shook his head.

Nope. No. No way. Maybe a child could pull off that look, but he was eighteen! Besides, what would everyone think?

What would Abigail think?

He blinked. He didn't care what she thought before. Why now? Was it because he didn't want her to think he cared what she thought? Why should that matter? She had been weirdly on his mind since they landed. Friends, huh? He couldn't imagine himself being friends with someone like her in the past, especially not during his early school years. Or Wally, or even Kuki. But, he supposed they were. And they were starting to be again. So they wouldn't mind him whatever he wore, would they?

Oh god this is getting too confusing, Hoagie. Just pick something!

He took his frames to the front. "Uh, so," He pulled out his backpack. "We're not from here and I really, really, need glasses. Do you think you might be willing to trade for them? We have some interesting stuff. From planet Earth!"

But as he showed them, they didn't seem interested.

"What do I look like, a historian?" they asked.

"What about toilet paper!" Louis interjected. "I bet you don't have any of that!"

The Alien frowned. "We've evolved past the need for paper products."

"Aw, Twizzlers," he muttered.

"The only other thing I have is this shiny rock," Kuki said bringing out a brown cloth bag. Reaching in, she pulled out a white rock the size of a quarter.

Hoagie stood back, startled. "Kuki, where did you find that?"

"On the Highway guy's ship! There's a whole bunch of them."

"Do you think it's worth—"

"Sold!" a desperate voice said. The three looked at the Alien, who appeared to be drooling at the mouth.

"Wait. Hold on." Hoagie took the rock. "Just how much is this thing worth?"

The Alien sweat. "Nothing! It's not worth anything! Gimmie it!" But Hoagie backed away. The Alien sighed. "Ugh, fine. You guys don't know what that is either, do you?" The Earthlings shook their heads. "It's a pure pellucoid crystal. Worth a fortune in these parts. Where the hell did you even come across one of those?"

"I won it in paintball!" Kuki said.

The Alien frowned. "Paintball."

"Uh-huh."

"You?"

"Are you saying it's worth a lot of money?" Kuki pressed her hands over her cheeks. "Hoagie! We're rich!"

"I'll give you anything in the store for it!"

"Shouldn't we take it to a bank?" Hoagie suggested. "Or see if we can get change somewhere?"

Kuki lifted her brow. "Change, Hoagie? Really? For a fancy space crystal?"

"I don't know! I don't think we should give away our only source of income to the first person we meet!"

But Kuki laughed. "What are you talking about? The ship's full of them!"

"You mean the ship Louis destroyed?"

"YES-oh." She quieted.

Louis scratched his cheek. "My bad."

"Well I have a few more in my bag," Kuki said looking down into the cloth bag. "At least ten!"

Hoagie looked around the store. "We can take anything?"

The cashier nodded frantically. "Uh-huh. Uh-huh."

The three looked at each other.

"Thanks for the bike!" Hoagie called back at the cashier, whose vehicle he took in exchange for the single white crystal. It was a motorcycle powered on electricity, decorated with glowing blue neon lights. Kuki secured herself on the back and Louis tried to stand over her which made things very difficult to balance.

Kuki let out a maniacal laugh, holding two bags in her hands. "See ya, sucker!" She howled into the street. "To the future!"

Two hours had passed, and they were still looking at clothes.

Kuki sighed, sinking her cheek lower into the side of the couch. All the dresses in her lap couldn't quell the aching feeling in her heart. Hoagie, just as indecisive as ever, was trying to find an outfit to replace his jumpsuit.

"Do you think plaid is too hipster for me?" he asked. He turned from side to side in the mirror. "I could pull it off."

Kuki just sighed again.

"Hey," he went over to her, setting down the shirt. "What's wrong?"

She puffed out her cheeks. "Nothing."

Hoagie poked her cheek, allowing the air to push out.

She swatted him away. "I thought I would be able to find a love interest for Louis, but every time it's 'oh I'm seeing someone', or 'he smells weird'." She sank into her seat. "I really wanted to do something nice for Abby, since she did all this stuff for us. But nothing is working! He's totally undatable!"

Hoagie sat across from her. "Love isn't something you can force people into," he said. "Trust me I have gone down that road, it never works. If Louis is gonna find someone, it's gotta happen naturally."

"Can't I force it to happen naturally?"

"Kuki..."

She kicked her feet. "What if it doesn't happen? We can't take him to the G:KND with us! And if we leave him behind, he might go back to being evil. The fate of our planet rests on me finding this man a date and all he wants to do is go into bathrooms and stick his head in the toilet!"

Hoagie looked around the store, uncomfortable. "Is that what he's doing?"

"I don't know," she whined, flopping her head backwards. "It's hopeless!"

Hoagie exhaled. Picking up one of Kuki's dresses, he waved it in front of her. "Wanna have a makeover montage? It'll make you feel better." Her ears perked. "Come on, Kuki...try me on," he spoke to her through the clothes. "You know you want me."

She snatched it away from him. "Don't make my clothes talk," she said, still huffing as he laughed. "You're so weird."

"Oh-ho," he snarked. "I'm weird? You still talk to your dolls."

"Plush. Collectables," she defended. "And they last longer if you talk to them."

"That's definitely not true."

"Is so!"

He pulled out another shirt from the pile, this time with a tropical pattern. "So what do you think? Too much?"

"Oh god you do need my help," Kuki said. She took her friend's hand and yanked him along. "Come on."

"What about this one?" Wally asked.

Abby looked up at him from her laying position as she looked at the seventh black leather jacket he tried on that day. "What's the difference?"

"What's the...it's completely different!"

She tipped the brim of her hat over her face. "You can't afford none of these. You know that, right?"

"So?"

"I thought you hated shopping."

"I don't hate it," he explained. "I hate it when my mum or Kuki takes me cause they always wanna, what's that word, where they wanna control everything I do?"

"Mircomanage."

"Yeah!" He went back to the mirror. "Plus, gettin' new stuff sure beats washin' that old crap in the sink."

Abby nodded, the two of them feeling like she couldn't wait for a real shower as opposed to the sponge baths they had been taking. Her hair was still clean, though. Wally's hair was getting greasy, but it was always greasy anyway, so he didn't mind. He was starting to get uneven stubble, though it was blonde and barely noticeable.

"Kuki's always tellin' me to cut my hair and shave n' stuff. It's so annoying." He picked up a pair of fingerless biker gloves. "Good thing they have a section for two-armed people, huh?" But as he tried on the gloves, he noticed there were only four finger holes. "Aw, man." He brought his attention back to Abby. "Don't you wanna try on anything else?"

Abby held up her bag. "Abby got what Abby needed."

"That's it? One bag?"

"We're not gonna be out out here much longer. Got a change of clothes, that's all Abby needs and it's all we can afford."

"Poor Gilligan," Wally shook his head. "He's probably in Hell right now."

"I think I just died and went to heaven," Hoagie said, staring at himself in the mirror. "God, if there is an afterlife, please let it be this."

"Get it," Kuki whispered.

"No." He blushed. "I couldn't."

"Get it," Kuki chanted. "Get it get it get it get it."

"Where would I wear it?"

"Everywhere!" Kuki exclaimed. "Every day! Forever and always!" She clenched her fists together, sparkles in her eyes. "This is your destiny!"

"My destiny..." He liked the sound of that.

"Stay right there!" Kuki said as she bounded off. "I'm gonna find you the perfect shirt to go with it!"

"Kuki hold on—" but she was gone. He checked back in with himself, the long flowing brown coat draped over his body in a perfect fit. It was just like the one he wore. The most brilliant scientist ever conceived by imagination: Dr. Timespace, his childhood hero. Traversing the space and time with his companions to solve the universes' biggest questions, rescuing entire civilizations from war and extinction, the one and only survivor of his people. The man with no name who simply called himself—

His gaze found themselves back to his backpack. Checking the area, he noticed no one was around. He knelt down, unzipping the pack delicately, removing the object as though it were an ancient artifact. The goggles he had snuck out of the store without Kuki noticing. They were black, not like his Dad's old grey ones, with clear glass lenses. The strap was made of something that felt like leather, although in space it was impossible to know what any of this stuff was made of. His thumb ran over the side. Destiny, he thought. He had gotten so much crap for his goggles back in school, and so did Tommy when he passed them down. Come to think of it, he couldn't remember how he even saw out of them. His face reflected in the lenses, mirroring his anxiousness. He turned back to the large mirror, removing his glasses. Maybe if he could just try them on.

He flushed.

This was stupid.

But the word kept echoing in his mind, controlling his actions for him. It was as though he were in a trance.

"What are those?"

Hoagie ripped off the goggles and spun around, hiding them behind his back. "Nothing."

"Lemmie see!" Kuki dropped her hangers and ran to him, reaching over his large body in an attempt to grab the hidden object.

"No-Kuki...C-cut it out!" he squirmed.

"Show me!" Her voice graveled.

Hoagie gave up, handing her the goggles. He waited, studying her face, expecting her to burst out laughing. Not that he had any credibility to lose, he noted.

"This is..." she started, and Hoagie felt himself physically wince. "Exactly what I've been looking for!"

The boy blinked twice. "Huh?"

"I knew there was something missing, but I couldn't figure out what it was! Of course! It's so obvious!" She lifted them up. "They're totally you!"

Hoagie tried to hide his florid face. "I-I don't know about that..."

"Well, duh! Like we've been saying!" She spun him around plopping the goggles in his hands. "It's destiny."

He inhaled deeply from the very bottom of his diaphragm. Lifting the goggles up to his face, the light and lens adjusted to his vision. He could see them staring back at him, the strap adjusting to his head. Advanced science, he thought, but his heart said magic.

"Oh yeah," Kuki said, assuredly. "That is Hoagie P. Gilligan."

But he didn't agree. "It's Number 2."

Kuki was confused. "Isn't that the same thing?"

"Not exactly," He chortled. "You could say he and I were cut from the same cloth."

Kuki groaned.

"Get it?"

"Please, stop."

Lou, now Louis, wandered around the open area. This wasn't like any "mall" he was used to on Earth. He couldn't read any of the signs, so he couldn't tell which direction he was going. In spite of his being lost, he felt strangely comfortable with this place, which made him at the same time very uncomfortable. The air was sweet smelling, if he could even call it air. The smog above him blocked the sun. Or was it a star? It was his first time this far out into space. What had originally been intended to be a day mission was turning into a whole new life experience. He was excited, but he also missed home. He had planned everything so perfectly. He would abduct Sector V, bring them back to Father, and finally get the accolades he deserved from him. This, however, did not end up being the case.

He made sure to bring a ship with four rooms, one for each of them to stay in. He knew it wouldn't be fair to make them all crowd together in a prison cell. He may have been evil, but he wasn't a monster. Now realizing Father was never going to give him the validation he craved, he was starting to discover that perhaps he wasn't supposed to be evil after all. But if he wasn't supposed to be evil, what was he supposed to be? As much as he was growing fond of Sector V and their quirky teenage ways, he knew that hiding behind them wasn't going to solve his problem. Numbuh 4, his arch enemy, had been nicer to him than his boss ever was. Not by much, but enough to notice. He sighed, kicking a bottle on the ground. Come to think of it, he wasn't very passionate about hating kids anyway. Sure, he found them annoying, but he wouldn't say he hated them. Not in the same way Father hated them. What he didn't like was the way they would waste toilet paper, clog toilets, mess up perfectly clean bathrooms. To protect the stalls was his calling, stopping children was only part of that job.

He hugged his body, feeling naked without his armor as he walked around searching for a bathroom. Stepping around the corner, he stopped. The entryway to a store was lit up in bright neon colors. His jaw dropped as he saw a wall of white porcelain through the glass window. Wandering in, he gasped, his whole body shaking. There before him were rows and rows of the most beautiful toilets he had ever seen. They were mostly all white in the front but moved into technicolor as they moved back. It was like looking at a beautiful rainbow in the clouds.

"Can I help you?" A kind voice asked. Louis looked to his right to see a light sandy-colored Alien smiling at him.

"What is this place?"

"This is the Palace of Porcelain," the told him. "The largest collection of waste receptacles in Dystal City. We used to be the Porcelain Palace, but we lost the copyright." Their excitement began to show as their skin, or what appeared to be skin, sparkled. "Were you interested in a toilet today?"

"This is the most beautiful place I've ever seen!" Louis called into the store. His voice bounced back at him. "How is it so empty?"

The Alien sighed. "It's the Teenagers. They always forget to flush and end up clogging the toilets. Most of them are too drunk to make it to the bathroom so they just go in the street. I even offer my toilets for free, but they still don't want them."

"That's terrible!" Louis cried. "How could anyone choose to poo in the street when they could poo in these constructions of magic!"

The Alien blushed. Louis thought so anyway. "I don't know if they're that great."

"Of course they are! Look at them!" He said, spinning around. "And besides! If you're here to buy a toilet, there must be others like you! Don't lose faith!"

They laughed. "Thank you, but I'm not here to buy a toilet. I own this store."

Louis gasped. "You own...this temple?"

"I came to this planet on an organitarian mission," they explained. "To provide free toilets to Teenagers in need and to keep our streets clean. My team and I go out every night and pick up after them, but it's getting worse by the day. Those Teenagers just don't know how to take care of themselves!"

Louis' eyes sparkled. "That's amazing. You're amazing."

"Oh, no. It's a job." They sighed again. "But now our in-store toilet is clogged, and no one is coming to fix it! What the Teenagers don't know is that there are beings here taking care of their needs, but getting a good plumber is almost impossible out here! And you can't have a toilet store with a clogged toilet."

"But...aren't you a Teenager?"

"Oh, no!" they said. "I'm part of the Adult Activist Alliance. They send agents here to help keep the Teenagers from destroying everything. It's the only way they can maintain their lifestyle. It's a thankless job, but someone has to do it."

"Well, hey! I can fix your toilet!" Louis said.

But the Alien looked skeptical. "It isn't a typical clog, friend. This is...a monster clog."

Louis gasped. "I've always wanted to unclog a monster clog."

"Then let's go!" The Alien nodded and began to lead him to the bathroom. "You know, I've never met a Teenager who cared so much about Toilets."

"Can I tell you something?" He leaned in to whisper. "I'm not actually a Teenager either. I snuck in here with my new Teenager friends. I'm an Adult from Planet Earth."

The Alien gasped. "The planet Earth? The one the Galactic Kids Next Door quarantined?"

"Yes!" Louis gasped. "How did you know?"

"Are you kidding? It's one of the only planets in the Universe where Adults rule over kids! It's been an obsession of the AAA since, like, forever!" They ran up to him, unable to contain their excitement. "Is it true that on Earth children actually grow up to be Adults?"

"Uh..." Louis was confused. "Well, sure it is. Does that not happen here?"

They shook their head. "The Children out here remain children forever. Teenagers and Adults, same thing. I've never met a real Human before. You've experienced everything from childhood to adulthood. I have so many questions! What is childhood like? Is it true you can't see certain colors when you're a baby? How does your economy work?" Suddenly, they backed up. "Sorry. I've just...always wanted to meet a Human."

They kept walking until they reached the bathroom, opening the door to reveal a clogged toilet which was, indeed, disgusting.

Louis was florid. "Well, I am not just any human!" he shouted, putting his hand to his chest proudly. "I am the sacred protector of plumbing, the master of the pot, a knight of the round bowl, but back home they call me...the Toiletnator!"

The Alien looked at him, dumbfounded.

"Check this out!" He squeezed his butt cheeks together, making a face as though he were about to poop. But instead of excrement coming out of his body, the toilet itself began to rumble and shake. The Alien backed up, terrified but Louis continued to do his thing. Suddenly, the water began to go down, the toilet flushing to its normal capacity.

"You're a superhero!" the Alien said, rushing to the toilet to inspect his work. "You must be!"

Louis blushed harder. "Well, I don't know if I'm a hero..."

"Oh you must be!" They danced back to him. "I had no idea I was in the presence of someone of such importance! Please forgive me!"

"Me?" Louis titled his head before laughing. "I mean yes! I am the protector of the toilets! Gifted with the sacred power to keep the planet clean and hygienic!"

"Oh yes! A happy life always begins with a happy heinie!"

Louis mantled. "I'm Louis."

"Mae."

TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED...

Listen to "The Poop Song" here: watch?v=_7wbRbhF2RA