All characters owned and created by Kazuki Takahashi.
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Téa hyperventilated beside the dumpster, trying to calm herself down. She pressed her hands into her knees and her back into the brick wall behind her. She had ducked into the alley and behind the dumpster when she saw Seto Kaiba walk into the game shop, but now it seemed too small a space. The bricks of the building across from her were inching their way closer, and they were too dark, too shadowy. The sun was too dim in here, reduced to a bare light bulb.
The shadows pushed her into the bricks behind her. She struggled, panting, unable to lift herself away from it for a desperate second that elongated like the moment spent suffocating on the blimp. The wall ground itself into her back.
She broke free and ran blindly into the sidewalk, away from the game shop. A wavery image of her friends floated up out of the sudden blackness of her pupils constricting in the too-bright sunlight.
I'm sorry, guys. I'm so sorry. I just can't.
That voice was so small. It sounded resigned. Doomed. Quickly absorbed and obliterated by the feeling that impelled her without words.
Escape.
She ran. She was vaguely aware that people were looking at her as she flew by, and stepping quickly out of her way. They probably hated her. She wasn't surprised.
Eventually, she noticed that she wasn't running anymore, and she couldn't see. She was gasping in darkness.
Maybe I was asleep, she thought. Wouldn't that be nice? To sleep? Finally?
When she could see, she saw where her body had taken her. She was looking down into a street, ribcage pushed into the steel railing of a bridge. She knew this bridge. She had walked across it so many times, whirling around on the balls of her feet to walk backward while chatting and laughing with friends.
The cars swept underneath her eyes and feet, mindless of her. People seemed so safe inside those cars, inside the houses, like nothing bad could ever happen to them, and here she was, exposed.
Dance school protected her. It was unthinkable that he would have shown up there. She imagined the Academy to be under a force field that could repel any badness that tried to infiltrate it. The danger and the badness had all been inside of her head, and her guts, and was an invisible fungus on her skin that she had scrubbed and scrubbed and tried to sweat away, and had once tried to cut away. That's why she thought she saw him at the recital. She had done stupid things, but she was safe, stupid and safe. All she needed was time, and to never see him again.
When she was back in Domino, Téa walked lightly. She kept her muscles ready to spring her into a hiding place, or to flee. Her ears strained and her eyes darted. She expected, at any moment, to face him, and she couldn't afford to let her nervous system off the hook. What if she let her guard down, and he came up behind her? At the Academy, she tried to force herself to forget. In Domino, it was dangerous to forget.
She had plenty of reminders. Tristan was eating Skittles once and the smell had her in that bathroom again, staring at the flicks of dark green on the pale mint tile. Her gorge rose and she moved as far away from Tristan as possible.
Today, she and her friends were going to go to the new arcade. It was the first time she had gone anywhere besides Kame in a while. She put on an outfit and walked to the Motos' shop. Choosing an outfit was exhausting. Stepping out the front door was exhausting.
The sun was exhausting.
Spending time at the arcade seemed insurmountable.
Soon, she told herself. Soon it will be over, and you can go home and curl up small again in front of the TV. Maybe you'll even sleep a little bit.
Nights were no longer for sleeping. Nights, these past couple of weeks, were for pacing, and for imagining. She imagined that pen on the blimp a lot. She imagined it in her fist. She imagined the effortless sweep of her arm as it arced up with that killing point and penetrated him.
Nights were also for remembering— the oppressive heat of his breath and his body, and how he wouldn't let her go, no matter how hard she struggled, the blunt pressure of his sex, and the vile slime that had smeared her. She remembered the searing pain of his finger forcing its way into her body.
She saw his face, his stare, sometimes forlorn, sometimes scathing. She felt his hands cupped around her belly and rubbing her back, his lips pressed so softly to her cheek and her forehead. She heard his imploring declaration—This is making me insane.
And every night she had to relive the disgusting realization that maybe this was her fault. Not just Kaiba, but the gym teacher and Bandit Keith, too. Who had things like this happen to them three times? She must be sending out messages—sending out signals that men could do whatever they wanted to her. Maybe she wanted it, all of it. The finger that had made her bleed had made her gasp first. Didn't his voice, his scent, sometimes make her feel slick and swollen and warm between her legs? Hadn't his arms been so strong, so gentle?
Strands of hair dragged across her eyelashes, over her eyeballs. She liked the weight of her hair, on her shoulders and on the back of her neck, liked the way it seemed to wrap itself around her face and throat. She blinked at the cars still rushing underneath her. The swooshing sounds, the blurs of color, were soothing.
They looked so insubstantial, like they would just blow right through her.
She herself felt that if she leapt off the bridge, she would just float away, like a piece of paper.
She watched the traffic and imagined jumping. The rumbles and the roaring below became white noise. The moment of rising, that tiny little instant before the fall, would feel heavenly. The brief weightlessness would even be worth the return of mass and the sickening plunge.
Téa's phone rang.
This was a dilemma. Should she hold off that glorious weightlessness to answer the call, to maybe even say goodbye to the person on the other end, if her courage didn't give out? She wasn't sure if she wanted to be talked out of it or not.
The ringing stopped. It had taken care of itself. Téa leaned over the railing a little further in anticipation. The wind lifted her hair, and then let it settle.
The phone rang again. The ring tone seemed harsher than usual. With level-headedness that surprised her, Téa decided to compromise and see who was calling.
It was Mai Valentine. For some reason, Téa answered it.
"Hello?" Her voice sounded normal. That was good.
"Téa, honey?"
Téa had to get off the phone before she fell apart in front of Mai. She tried to sound cheerful, but being called "honey" undid her. Her voice wavered.
"Mai, how's it going?"
"Téa, where are you?"
"I'm okay," Téa's tears burned.
"Just tell me where you are."
Téa sobbed. "I can't see the guys," she begged, hoping her words were clear through the blubbering. "Mai, please…."
"I won't bring the guys. Just tell me where you are."
"I'm on the foot bridge, the one by the deli that sells the gelato."
"Capri? Did you know I'm actually within walking distance from there?"
Téa shook her head, which was absurd because Mai couldn't see her. That was the sort of thing that should have made her laugh.
"Téa, I'm walking toward there right now, okay? When I get to the top of this little hill, I'll be able to see you. You know, sometimes, Joey and I go to the bridge to watch the sunset. It's really romantic."
Téa thought she wouldn't have the strength to tremble, let alone cry, but found she was doing both, and, what was more, trying to keep her muscles steady, her sobs quiet, her tears in their ducts.
"That place means a lot to Joey and me. Nothing bad can happen there. We always talk about bringing you and Yugi up there on a double date."
Téa sobbed.
"In fact, we were just talking about you, Téa. He's kind of worried, because something really weird happened today at the game shop. He asked me to call you, and talk to you about it. He said it was something that it would be better for a girl to talk to you about. "
Téa whimpered and leaned heavily on the railing again. What did Kaiba say? What did her friends say back? Could she live with it?
"Téa! Listen to me, sweetie. I'm almost there. I'm a block away. Take a deep breath. When I get to you, we'll talk about whatever is going on, okay? What do you see up there? The sun's not going to set for a while, but the shadows move across the buildings and it looks really cool. Are you watching the shadows, Téa?"
"Yeah," Téa was trying to watch the shadows on the buildings, at least, but it seemed like a well-nigh impossible task.
"I see you! I see you, Téa! I'm on your right."
Mai was striding on her long legs, boots clicking purposefully up the concrete slope. Téa watched her approach, and her arms reached for her without any thought.
Mai and Téa stood there, not caring who saw them embracing. After a while, when Téa's legs steadied, Mai put her arm around her and led her down the bridge to her apartment.
Mai's apartment had a beautiful view of the city and a state-of –the art entertainment center, but what Téa was most grateful for, then and there, was the deep black couch, and Mai's collection of mugs.
Mai fixed her up a pot of chamomile tea with honey, and then she sat next to Téa, held her hand, and looked her in the eyes.
Téa spilled forth.
She told Mai about the gym teacher who took pictures of her body, and then tried to assault her.
She told her about Bandit Keith's note, the note she could still recite, verbatim.
She told her about the terror of being kidnapped and the violation of being possessed.
Mai put her arms around her halfway through the telling, and just held her while the words came, and came, and came. Téa's teeth, lips, and tongue moved, and, under their own inertia, Téa found herself not having to think very hard about what she had to say. It was her body's story, and it would tell it.
Finally, Téa stopped talking. She inhaled deeply, and exhaled long.
Mai was silent.
"Mai?" Téa said after a while. "I didn't make you uncomfortable, did I? I'm sorry if I did. I know that…."
She looked at Mai. Mai was looking straight ahead, her blue eyes opaque and her glossed bottom lip between her teeth. She lifted her hand and dragged it over her eyes.
"Mai? Mai! I'm sorry!" Téa flung her arms tightly around Mai. Would Mai shove her away? Would she throw her out?"
Mai sniffed, and then Téa felt a hand in her hair. Mai gently pushed her back onto the couch so they could look at each other.
"Honey, you have nothing to be sorry about. Believe me. It took a lot of courage for you to tell me those things." She wiped her eyes again. "It took me a long, long time to tell someone about…what happened to me."
"Oh, Mai, no," Téa whispered. This had happened to Mai? Bold, brassy Mai with infectious laugh, who, before Joey, wrapped men around her fingers and played cat's cradle with them? The Mai with the warm ruby heart?
"It was a long time ago," Mai put her head back onto the couch cushions. "I had just started working on that cruise ship, running the poker table. One night, this guy in his forties comes and sits down. He was a nice-looking guy, and he kept grinning away at me, even when he was losing. He asked me about myself, what I liked to do besides play poker, what I wanted to do with my life. I was used to guys calling me babe and asking me to kiss chips for luck, but I wasn't used to them wanting to know about me.
"Anyway, the poker game ends, and he invites me to the bar for a drink. He didn't even care that he lost, so I knew he had a ton of money. I said I was only 18, and he said he knew. It was against the law for me to be running a gambling table, but I knew a guy on the boat who had, shall we say, underground connections, was impressed by my playing, and got me a fake I.D. He really pitched me to the boat, I guess, because the interview was a cakewalk.
"So, I'm feeling a little freaked out that this guy is going to call the authorities and have me and my friends on the boat arrested, but then he pats my arm and says he's no squealer. Then he strokes my arm, and keeps stroking it. I felt a little twinge in my guts when he touched me, but I didn't know why. He was nice, he seemed to really care about me—he kept asking me questions about things I liked, places I've been, what I thought about politics and cars. I let him buy me a Coke, and after I drank it, I said I was going to bed.
"He told me that he was going to walk me back to my room, because there were a lot of drunk guys being obnoxious, and he didn't want them bothering me. He said I was a really nice young lady."
Mai's voice darkened.
"He walked me to my cabin. I said goodnight, and turned to unlock the door. The corridor was so dark and quiet. I was on one of the lower floors, and everyone was either asleep or partying. There was only these dim lights going down the corridor, and they only lit these tiny little circles. The ship's humming was so loud it scared me. I wasn't afraid of the guy, I was scared of the humming." Mai's fists were clenched. "My door unlocked and then he pushed me in and we both landed on my bunk. He told me I had two choices, either do what he said and enjoy it, or get turned over to the authorities."
"Mai, you don't have to tell any more…"
"No, Téa. It's okay. We're not alone. We're not alone, Téa." Mai's voice was strong and loud. Téa believed her.
"Afterward, he got up, and said that I should be sure to lock my door after he left, because there were a lot of dangerous men out there." The tendons in Mai's hands rose, and the knuckles whitened. "He said this like he really meant it, like he really didn't just do what he just did and he was looking out for my welfare."
"Bastard," Téa whispered.
"I just curled up, in the dark, and didn't move. I wasn't sure if it was real, or if I was real. It was the strangest feeling. It hurt, so I knew it had to be real."
"What did you do then?"
"I think I slept. I'm not sure. If I dreamed, I dreamed about lying in bed in the dark."
"When you woke up…"
"I just went back to work. I saw him out on the floor a couple of times, or at least, I thought I did. I could never be sure. I would always find a reason to duck down behind the card table." Mai pushed her back up off the couch and took Téa's hands. "Téa, sitting here and talking with you about this, I realize that it's over. I have Joey, I have you, I have Yugi and Tristan and Duke and Serenity. I'm completely, utterly free, and I'm happy. It took a long time. It took a lot of anger and sadness, but I look where I am now and it's not in that little dark cabin. I'm here now," she swept her arm to indicate the room, Téa, the town of Domino itself. "You are too, Téa."
Téa hugged Mai tightly. She knew the dark room feeling Mai spoke of. She had felt it down at the dorm at the Academy.
"Mai? This is going to sound crazy, but, have you ever felt like your body and mind have broken into a million pieces, and are flying away?"
"Yes. That's how I know how you were feeling when I saw you on the bridge today. I've looked in the mirror during those times," Mai patted Téa's cheek. "Don't worry. You look like your beautiful, happy self again."
Téa smiled back, but she felt very tired. She supposed that was normal, after running after fragments of the self and pasting them back together.
Mai got them more tea, and laid out a couple of DVDs. "Which would you rather watch—My So Called Life, or Fraggle Rock?" Only Mai's friends knew how much she loved Jim Henson.
"Fraggle Rock. My So Called Life's a little heavy right now."
"I concur."
As the catchy Fraggle theme played, Téa found herself looking at Jared Leto's face on the case of My So Called Life. He was beautiful, with his high cheekbones and little snub nose. His thick dark hair and big blue eyes made a striking combination, just like—
Kaiba.
To her own horror, Téa realized she hadn't mentioned Seto Kaiba. Even when her tongue was on autopilot, he still had a lockdown on her brain.
Mai hadn't mentioned him either. What did she know that Téa didn't?
Mai had her arm around her, the tea was hot, and the Fraggles were running through the Gorg's turnip garden.
It was too late now.
She would never tell, and she would spend her life wondering why.