Part 17
JD stared through the glass window into Buck's ICU room, watching as the medical staff fought a desperate battle for his best friend's life.
The tiny cubicle was full of people. Chris had dragged him out to make room for them as the alarms on the monitors shrieked and wailed in turbulent rhythms.
It was like he was watching from outside his own body. He was totally numb as two nurses rolled Buck over and crammed a board behind his back. Another nurse fitted a mask over his face and then attached something that looked like a large rubber balloon to it, squeezing it to force air into Buck's lungs. Two more people ran in, propelling a cart laden with heavy machinery. The dark-haired Resident who had been the first to respond to the alarm grabbed the paddles from the cart and yelled out something, but JD couldn't make out the words over the terrified thumping of his own heart. The doctor slammed the paddles into position and the electrical current arced through Buck's helpless body.
"Damn it, Buck, come on, come on!" Chris kept repeating the words like a mantra. JD tore his eyes away from the horrific sight in front of him to look at Chris. The older man's face was set in fierce lines but his eyes were alive with agony. His hands were clenched so tightly the bones showed white through the skin.
The doctor yelled, "Clear!" and everyone jumped back from Buck again. JD felt Chris physically flinch at the sickening thud as the electrical charge raced though Buck's body. JD couldn't react. He stood as stiff and unyielding as if turned to stone.
There was a rush of displaced air as Dr. Culver raced into the room. "Get the airway ready," he snapped. "Epinephrine!"
"Clear!" the other doctor yelled again.
The words made no sense to JD. None whatsoever. 'What's going on?' his dazed mind wondered. 'How did this happen?'
"Damn it, Buck!" Chris raged again.
Everything started spinning, around and around, faster. JD closed his eyes and tried desperately to make sense out of it. He had to pull himself together, he needed be strong. Be strong for Buck. God, how did this happen? How could this have happened so fast?
His mind flew back to just ten minutes before...
JD and Chris reached the open door of Buck's ICU room together. JD halted briefly. "Chris, give us a minute alone." It wasn't really a request, but still, JD could see Chris hesitate. He knew-even though his head was spinning and his gut was churning with fear; even though he didn't know how he knew-that Chris didn't want to be too far away from Buck.
He knew the feeling.
He felt the same way.
But Chris and his feelings didn't matter. Without looking back, JD slipped into the room and over to the side of the bed.
The nurse was still there but she straightened up and moved to the door. "Just a few minutes," she cautioned in a hushed voice. JD nodded as if he understood her words but they washed over him as he got a good look at Buck.
Buck's face had a grayish cast to it. His eyes were sunk deep into his skull and dark hair was damp with sweat. Even with the oxygen it was obvious he was struggling hard to draw every breath. The tight struggling of his breathing took JD back four years and two thousand miles, to another ICU room eerily like this one. Where he'd sat and prayed desperately for a miracle, even as he knew the end of his mother's too-short life had arrived. His courage failed and for a few seconds he wanted nothing more than to run away.
But he hadn't run away then, and he wouldn't run away now. He couldn't. His best friend-his brother in all but blood-needed him.
Buck's tired eyes faintly brightened when he saw JD. "Hey, JD." His hand lifted off the bed.
JD stepped forward and took it, careful not to disturb any of the tubes or wires. "Hey, yourself." He forced the words to sound cheerful. "Can't I even turn my back on you for a couple days?" he chided gently.
"You know me...I'm high-maintenance," Buck joked. His fingers tightened ever so faintly on JD's and his expression changed. "Did Chris...tell you?"
JD's back stiffened almost unconsciously at the mention of Chris' name. "Yeah. He told me."
Buck nodded, his eyes fluttering. He forced them open with an obvious effort. "Need to tell you...some things...Kid."
Cold chills raced down JD's spine, lending a snap to his tone. "No, you don't," he contradicted. "You don't have to tell me anything now, Buck. Later. When you're stronger-"
"There may not be a later for me, JD." Buck's voice was barely a whisper.
"Don't say that!" Fear clutched at JD's heart. "You're going to be fine, Buck," he said, more quietly. "A couple days on the ventilator, give your body a rest..." He forced his voice to be steady. He hated the thought of Buck being on a ventilator. He knew Buck hated it, too. Not being able to communicate. The sedation that made him seem less like a real person and more like a lifeless husk-
JD felt cold tears trickle down his cheek and quickly wiped them away with his free hand, but apparently not before Buck saw them. "Hell, JD, I'm sorry," he whispered.
JD shook his head, throat too tight for words.
"I gotta...ask you something...did my box...you know, the one-did it...is it-"
JD frowned, then realized what Buck was talking about. "It's okay, Buck. They found it in the...they found it. It's back at the ranch. You want me to bring it to you?"
Buck shook his head. "No...you keep it. There's a letter in there...to you. One to Chris, too..."
JD couldn't help another flinch at Chris' name. He thought Buck was too sick to notice.
He should have known better.
JD lifted his head to find himself being impaled by Buck's eyes. Eyes so impossibly dark blue they should have been black but somehow never were. "You're still mad at Chris." It wasn't a question.
JD couldn't deny it. He just nodded. Buck sighed and sank back against the pillows. "JD-"
"Don't, Buck." JD was sorry for his abrupt tone but he rushed on. "Don't tell me not to be pissed at him. Chris Larabee has no right-"
"JD. Shut up."
Buck's voice had a quiet, intent tone JD had rarely heard. He shut up and stared at his friend.
"What you...heard that day-what you thought you heard..." Buck was obviously having a hard time speaking. He closed his eyes and when he opened them the strain was visible. JD tried to quiet him but Buck kept talking. "Wasn't...wasn't what you thought. Doesn't have nothing to do with you, Kid. Just some...old history." His eyes drifted shut, then he opened them again with an effort. "Lots of...history there. Stuff that...he...we, can't ever get past. But it's our stuff, JD." His fingers tightened on JD's. "Promise me...promise me you'll...make up with him."
JD shook his head, blinking against the smarting tears. "I can't-"
"You have to!" Buck's voice raised and he struggled to sit up. JD quickly put a hand on his chest to hold him down. "I don't want to...leave and-"
The blood drained from JD's face. "You aren't going to die!" His voice trembled. "Please Buck. Please."
"Hell, Kid, I don't want to."
JD fought back tears. "That's what my mom said." He bit his lip. He hadn't meant to say that out loud.
Buck's eyes met his. His voice had dropped to barely a whisper. "She didn't want to, either, JD. Sometimes...you know." His fingers tightened again on JD's. "You won't be alone. You...the guys...we're all family."
JD couldn't speak.
Buck's eyelashes fluttered against almost translucent skin. "Don't...forget the...letter. If I do- Just in case...Tell you..."
"Tell me what? Buck? Buck!"
Buck's eyes closed. The hand that had been so tightly gripping JD's relaxed suddenly. As JD bounded to his feet in panic, the shriek of an alarm tore through the room. Lights on the monitor above Buck's head-the one that had been showing his heartbeat-flashed red as the even tracing changed to an erratic jerking.
Terror tore through JD's body and soul. Hands were on his shoulders, pulling him away. He struggled. He had to get back to Buck!
"JD! Damn it! Let them do their jobs, JD!" Chris' voice was harsh in his ears. Nathan was there too, suddenly, helping pull him from the room. Pulling him away from his best friend...
Now JD stood frozen, Chris on one side of him, Nathan on the other, as they watched the frenzied efforts to bring Buck back to life. Chris swore continuously, pleadingly, his eyes never leaving the scene.
JD jumped as he heard the sickening thump of the defibrillator again. The doctor said something but JD couldn't hear it over the whine of that alarm in his ears...
Then slowly, he realized the whine was gone but a roaring replaced it. He swayed. The darkness crept closer. From a long way away he heard Nathan's voice, shaky with relief. "It's okay...he's back. They got him back."
And then the blackness leapt up and swallowed JD.
7777777
"Easy, JD."
The world slowly swam back into focus. JD blinked, trying to figure out why everything in front of him was denim blue. Then he realized his head was between his knees and the pressure he felt on his neck was a hand keeping it there.
"Josiah?" he asked weakly.
"Right here, son. Are you feeling better?"
JD nodded, although he couldn't quite remember why he might be feeling badly to begin with. He struggled to raise his head and the pressure disappeared from his neck. Blinking painfully in the harsh overhead lights, he looked around, recognizing the waiting area outside of ICU. Josiah hovered in front of him. The profiler's face was pale in the fluorescent light. There was something about the look in his eyes-
Memory came spilling back.
"Buck!" JD yelled, trying to jump to his feet.
Josiah caught him, forcing him back down. "Easy, son. Buck's holding his own. They got his heart re-started. He's on the ventilator now."
"Josiah?" JD was still confused. "How long have you been here?"
"About twenty minutes."
"Twenty minutes?" JD repeated. Panic churned his stomach. "Buck!"
"It's okay, son. Chris is with Buck. "
"And you need to take it easy for a little while. You won't do Buck any good if you end up in the hospital too," Nathan said firmly, coming into the waiting room with a cardboard divider holding several white Styrofoam cups. He sat it down on the table and extracted one of the cups, handing it to JD. "Here. Drink this."
"This" was hot chocolate, obviously from a machine and with extra sugar added. JD sipped at it and made a face but one look at Nathan convinced him not to argue.
JD drained the cup of chocolate and Nathan exchanged it for a cup of water and a sandwich wrapped in cellophane.
"I'm not hungry," JD protested, pushing the sandwich aside and trying to get up again. "I need to be with Buck."
"You can't right now, JD," Nathan said patiently, pushing the sandwich back into his hands. "They're only allowing one visitor at a time right now and Chris is in there. You need to eat. When's the last time you ate or got some sleep?"
JD didn't answer because truth was, he didn't remember. It didn't matter anyway. "I need to go to Buck," he repeated.
"JD," Nathan started, but Josiah waved him off.
"JD, eat the sandwich and then you can see Buck for a few minutes. I would imagine Chris needs a break."
JD studied the older man's face through eyes fuzzy with fatigue, then gave a brief nod and unwrapped the sandwich.
"He needs to get some sleep," Nathan commented. "JD. why don't you let Josiah take you home for a few hours, okay? I'll stay here and keep an eye on Chris and Buck."
Bitterness rose up in JD's throat, almost choking him. "I don't have a home anymore, remember?"
Nathan looked abashed. "I'm sorry, JD. I meant Chris' place-"
"I know what you meant." JD took another bite of the sandwich. It tasted like sawdust in his mouth. He muttered, "The ranch is not my home." Then, softer still, barely a whisper, more to himself than to Josiah and Nathan, he said, "If Buck dies I won't ever have a home again."
He hoped-prayed-one of the other two would assure him Buck wasn't going to die. Vin would have. Ezra would have. Hell, even Chris would have. But not Nathan, with his medical background, or Josiah, with his belief in an all-knowing God.
"Buck is a fighter, son," Josiah said finally. "He'll fight as hard as he can. And we'll all be here helping him fight."
JD put the sandwich back down. His stomach was churning with bile and another bite would make him sick. He leaned back in the uncomfortable seat, staring at the ceiling through a watery haze of tears.
"You need some sleep, JD," Nathan repeated.
JD just shook his head.
Nathan sighed. "You try to reason with him," he told Josiah, standing. "I'm going to go check on Chris and try to talk to Buck's doctor again." He walked out of the room.
"Don't," JD warned Josiah in a choked voice. He reached up a hand to wipe the tears away.
Josiah didn't try to talk him into leaving. Instead, he asked a question, his voice quiet, but the question made JD forget his tears and lift his head to stare at the older man.
"Do you want to talk about the problem you're having with Chris?"
Nathan stopped at the window of Buck's room and simply stood there for several minutes, studying the scene within.
He steeled himself for the shock of seeing Buck hooked up to the respirator. The cold machinery looked so alien. His friend looked so lifeless, like a wax mannequin. Even more monitors and equipment had been moved into the room, crowding the tiny space, dwarfing the bed and the man in it as well as the man by his side. Two men, normally larger than life, now looked so very small and vulnerable.
Nathan watched the cardiac monitor for a minute, reassured by the steady, even pulse. Then his attention shifted to Chris. The ATF leader sat on the far side of the bed, facing the window, but he didn't see Nathan. His eyes were fixed on Buck's face, quiet and distorted by the respirator. Nathan took in the pallor of Chris' face, the gray pouches under his eyes, the exhausted slump of his shoulders. The medic swore under his breath and started for the door. He'd drag Chris out of there and force him to at least eat something...
"Agent Jackson?"
Nathan looked toward the desk. One of the nurses—he recognized her from Buck and Ezra's previous stays in ICU-held out the phone. "Call for you. From Agent Tanner."
Nathan tossed a quick glance in Chris' direction-Larabee hadn't moved-and stepped to the desk, taking the phone and nodding at the nurse.
"Vin? Where are you? I thought you'd be here by now."
Vin's voice was harsh and distorted by static, distant. "Nathan. Has anyone talked to Ezra?"
Nathan frowned. "No." He'd actually been a little worried about the Southerner; Josiah had insisted he'd personally seen Ezra onto a flight out of Dallas and he should have arrived back hours ago, but in the worry over Buck's deteriorating condition-to say nothing of Chris and JD-he'd dismissed it from his mind. Ezra had probably headed to his home for a change of clothes or something. The man hated to appear in public looking disheveled. "Why?"
He sensed Vin's concern even over the bad connection. "Well—we-I found his car. On the highway, the turn going to Chris'. Looks like he ran off the road or misjudged the turn or something...smashed into that stone and split rail fence around Nettie's place."
"What?" Nathan exclaimed. The nurse looked up from her charting, frowning. Nathan turned away from her and lowered his voice. "How bad?"
"Car's banged up some but looks to be drivable." Vin hesitated. "But the driver's side window is shattered all to hell. And-" he cleared his throat, "There's some blood on the shards. Not a lot but I bet Ezra must have banged his head."
"Well, where is he?"
"That's just it, Nathan-there's no sign of him. I called the sheriff and no one reported the wreck. The engine's cold so it must have happened more'n an hour ago. You're at the closest hospital and I called the ER there, nobody answering Ezra's description has been treated there tonight. He's not answering his cell phone or the phone at the condo."
"If he wasn't too bad hurt and tried to walk for help-"
"He'd walk to Chris'," Vin interrupted. "Nettie's gone this week and Casey's down in Boulder at school, so if his cell isn't workin',Chris's place'd be the closest phone. And I just came from there, Nate. I'd've seen him on the road. It's like he just disappeared!"
tbc...