"Oh, you're going to be in so much trouble!" Myrtle said cheerily.
"Shut up, Myrtle," Lily grumbled as she rolled off her makeshift bed. She had two pillows, now, having taken the extra from Sae's bed during one of her trips downstairs. The girl never complained, and she seemed to have found a replacement. Lily figured it was the least she could do, and it offered some much-needed support on the stone shelf.
"You were supposed to be in class thirty minutes ago!" Myrtle said, unable to contain her glee.
"I know, Myrtle," Lily said. She splashed some cold water on her face from the Chamber of Secrets faucet. She wondered if anybody would even notice, should she just decide to head down there and disappear. "Why didn't you wake me?"
"Because then you'd go and leave me all day again," Myrtle said, doing her best attempt at a pout. Lily hated it in here, but at least somebody was always happy to see her. She turned back to the mirror as she tied her hair back. She didn't have the time to sneak downstairs and wash properly. At least she didn't have much of an appetite; breakfast would be closed by now.
"One more day," she told her mirror self. She had dark bags under her eyes, that only seemed to get larger every day, and her hair was still the wrong colour. She couldn't stand looking at herself anymore. She splashed water on her face one more time, then left the bathroom without drying properly. Her face was freezing within seconds, but at least she felt something.
"You're late, Potter," McGonagall said, without turning away from the blackboard, when she finally wandered her way down to the classroom. "See me after class."
Lily sighed, then sat down next to Parkinson. The other girl laughed, trying to hide the sound behind a hand. Lily didn't care. Nobody talked to her anymore, not even Malfoy, but she considered it an improvement. She shot a look towards the front of the class, where the boy menace was currently sitting. Malfoy gave her the familiar sneer, then pulled at his blonde hair mockingly. Lily pulled out her parchments and quill, clenching her jaw to calm her rising temper.
She was only halfway through drawing McGonagall's diagram when the bell rang to dismiss them all. Just as usual, McGonagall wiped it immediately, and Lily stuffed her belongings back into her bag as quickly as she could, not daring to look at any of the Slytherins as they passed by her. She sat at her desk, staring at her bag, wishing it to combust, while she waited for the room to empty and for McGonagall to approach. She wouldn't do it herself; she really didn't want another detention. Her letters from home were getting increasingly nerve-wracking.
"Miss Potter," McGonagall said gently from nearby. Lily didn't bother looking up. "What am I going to do with you?"
Lily didn't bother answering. She just kept staring at her bag, seriously considering the Chamber as an option. It had to be preferable to this.
McGonagall let out a long sigh. "Five points from Slytherin, Potter, and you'll be serving a detention with me on Thursday evening. We'll be working on fixing your hair, I think, seeing as how you've failed to do it with your own studies."
Lily clenched her jaw again, her teeth straining against each other. She could feel the Professor staring at her with what she could only assume was disgust. That was how everybody looked at her, lately.
"You better get to class, Potter," McGonagall said at last. "And do not be late tomorrow morning."
Lily left the room as quickly as she could, wondering if she had the time to nip down to the kitchens before Charms. She wasn't hungry, but she didn't eat at all the previous day, and she knew she should. She ducked into the classroom on the second floor, instead. She'd already disappointed one professor today; she didn't want another one.
Lily groaned as she rolled out of her alcove. There wasn't a single beam of light on the horizon outside, and it was absolutely freezing in the bathroom. She washed her face with cold water, resisted the urge to open the Chamber once more, then snuck down to the common room for a shower and a change of robes. She had to move as quietly as she could, so as not to wake anybody. A few others got up to shower in different stalls, once they heard somebody else was up, but the vast majority of the girls kept snoring away in their beds. Lily wished she could join them. The new writing on her trunk proved why she couldn't, though. She was just thankful she couldn't read exactly what it said in the dark. She grabbed her fresh robes, changed, and left as quickly as she'd come.
She spent the rest of curfew sitting as close to the fireplace as she could, trying to feel some semblance of warmth, then wandered down to breakfast, where she ate a single piece of toast. She couldn't stomach much more. Not after a tired and angry looking Ron came in, a solemn Neville joining him. She saw the look he gave her from across the room, and she could tell when she wasn't wanted. She decided to wait outside of Transfiguration.
"I told you, Professor," Lily said in frustration, "I can't do it."
"You are not trying hard enough, Potter," McGonagall said sternly. "And I will not fix it for you. This material will be on your exam, and it is imperative that you understand it before then."
"I'm trying, Professor," Lily said.
"Give it another attempt."
"Crinus Muto," Lily said. She felt the warmth run over head, but her reflection didn't change at all, other than her face somehow growing redder and McGonagall's scowl deepening.
"Try again, Potter," the deputy headmistress insisted.
"Can't we just do lines?" Lily asked.
"If lines were going to improve your attitude, they would have already done so. Try again. We will stay at it all night, if we must."
Lily clenched her jaw firmly, wondering how much more embarrassment she was expected to take.
Please, she thought, just praying for an end. Please, just change back.
"Crinus Muto," she said.
Lily fell silent as the colour refused to relent. She could feel her eyes burning, but she managed to push it away.
"Better get up, Lily!"
Lily didn't want to. She pulled her blanket tightly to her chin. Her face was ice cold, and her throat was a bit sore.
"You have practice!" Myrtle said with a giggle.
Lily rolled over with a groan, the invisibility cloak getting pulled a bit loose. That meant she had to untuck one hand from her warm cocoon to fix it back into place.
"When they kick you off the team, you're welcome to spend more time with me in here!"
"Fine," Lily said with loathing in her voice. "Fine, Myrtle, I'm up, I'm going."
Lily didn't even bother shrinking down her bedding; nobody ever came in here. It would still be in here when she came back. She stormed right over to the faucet, coughed a few times while leaning on it, then washed her face. Her cheeks were a little thin when she looked up, and then she tied up her brittle blonde hair.
"One more day," she told herself before pushing her way out the door.
"You're slacking, Potter," Montague said in a harsh tone. He was jogging next to Lily, who felt like she could die at any second (if she could only be so lucky), and was lagging far behind the others, her lungs and legs burning, sweat drenching every corner of her body. She couldn't even manage a response between her laboured breaths.
She tried to pick up the pace, just to appease her overlord, and the corners of her vision began to blur. Montague gave her a nod, though, and ran off to join the others. They didn't much care for the work out, either, but they weren't having nearly as hard of a time with it. Lily didn't even know if she had it in her to fly, after this.
Finally, Montague blew his whistle, calling them all to line up. Lily struggled her way over, then collapsed onto her back, staring up at the cloudy sky. Her chest rose and fell quickly with her frantic pants. She heard a few of the others laughing at her, as they normally did, but the rest were too tired to bother. Pucey, in particular, seemed tempted to join her, but Lily knew he'd never debase himself in such a primitive manner.
"Good work, you lot," Montague said in his thick voice. "Gryffindor should be no problem, if we keep this up. Most of you are showing some real improvement. Most of you." Lily heard a few more laughs, but she couldn't manage to lift her hand for the gesture she wanted to make. Her muscles were too heavy. "No training next weekend. I'll let you maggots have it for the Hogsmeade trip. I'll expect you to double your personal routines for the full week, in exchange."
There were a lot of mutinous grumblings in response to that, and then they all wandered off. Lily lifted her head up to watch them go, then laid back down, staring up at the blank sky. It was getting awfully cold out, since it was so close to November, and the sun hadn't been out for a month. Montague was starting to worry it'd rain for their first match, and Lily already accepted that it absolutely would. She wouldn't get lucky enough for a nice day. She was just worried about what else would go wrong.
Lily closed her eyes. She could smell herself, which was never a good sign, but she knew better than to risk changing or showering while the boys were still in there. They had separate stalls for privacy, but the last time, when she was more naïve, Bole pulled the curtain back on her while she was changing into her Quidditch robes. Luckily for him, she was already finished, or the curses she would have unleashed would have gotten her expelled for sure. The detentions she received were bad enough as it was, since the rest of the team found it too funny to back up her side of the story. Snape had just taken it as more proof of what a failure she was, insulted her father, and reminded her how much she was failing her mother's memory. She could still remember the sneer he made when he saw her hair.
Lily tried to clear her mind. She really didn't want to think about any of this. She wanted to get up, have a hot shower, grab some lunch, and then find Katie for a quick trip to the Astronomy Tower. That would require accepting that she wasn't normal, though, and she was still clinging to that above all else. It was all that was holding her together, right now.
She yawned loudly and closed her eyes, deciding she'd get up in just a few minutes. None of the boys ever showered after a practice. She should have it to herself.
"What are you still doing here?"
Lily opened her eyes, her head pounding. Ron was standing over her, wearing his red and gold robes, looking just as tired as she felt. She rubbed at her eyes. Her arms were so heavy. She didn't even dare try moving anything else.
"What time is it?" Lily said.
"Half past three," Ron said. Lily swore, then laid her head back down on the grass.
"You're early," she said, her voice quiet.
"Wanted to get in a bit of extra flying time," Ron said.
Lily pushed herself off the ground, brushing the grass out of her hair. Her legs were still shaky when she stood, and Ron didn't offer her so much as a hand. He had her old Nimbus held tight in one hand, a bucket of golf balls in his other.
"Want some help?" Lily said, not really feeling up to it.
Ron shook his head. "Not from you."
"Fine, then," Lily said. She shoved into Ron roughly in her frustration. She rubbed at her eyes when they stung, surprised at how quickly the comment got to her.
"That's not what I meant, Lily," Ron said.
"Sure sounded like it," she said, turning back to him. Ron's ears turned red and he pursed his lips.
"Be reasonable, Lily," he said after a long pause.
"All I did was offer to help," Lily said.
"I just meant that Wood wouldn't want you helping," Ron said. "He thinks Slytherin's been- You know what, it doesn't matter, what do you care?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Lily asked, her voice going a bit shrill.
"You haven't exactly been around, have you?" Ron said. "Too busy spending time with your Slytherin pals, I imagine."
"And what if I was?"
"You couldn't even be bothered to stay in Hagrid's class with the rest of us," Ron went on. "Blimey, Lily, I know it's terrible, but-"
"I didn't want to drop it," Lily said. "Snape made me after-"
"And that's another thing," Ron said, "You keep getting Mum yelling at the rest of us, you know. She thinks you're being-"
"I don't care what your mother thinks," Lily shouted, thinking about what the Weasley matriarch said the night before they left, thinking about all the angry letters from home she had unopened in her trunk. Ron's ears went a deeper red, and Lily wondered if she went too far. She just wanted everybody to leave her alone. She just couldn't take much more.
"I'm sorry," Lily whispered. For one, brief moment, Lily opened her mouth, ready to ask for help, just wanting Ron to listen to her.
"You wouldn't, would you?" Ron said, his voice shaky, her apology going unheard. "No, you don't care what anybody else thinks. I asked you to keep your bloody cat away from Scabbers, and you pawned him off on Lavender without so much as a-"
Lily felt all her sympathy leave the instant his stupid, fat rat was mentioned, and her face grew hot.
"Ron, this isn't about Scabbers, I've been-"
"Scabbers is sick," Ron said, "But you never cared, you just-"
"You're right, Ron," Lily said, "I don't give a damn if your stupid rat is sick! He's old, Ron, and Weasley never went for him before, why-"
"He did too! He went for him in first-"
"That was the twins, Ron," Lily said, "Why don't you go after them?"
"Go after us for what?" two voices called from behind. Lily whirled, and the twins were approaching the two of them with large grins. They always loved watching other people get screamed at. They thought it was funny.
"Just take your cat back to your common room, Lily," Ron said, "And leave the rest of us out of it."
"Ron," Lily said coldly, "Sincerely, go f-"
"Hey, now," Fred said, turning her around and marching her forward. "None of that, Lily, or he'll have to write home to mum."
"Yeah," George said, falling into step with the two of them. "We don't want her thinking that we've perverted you any further, do we?"
"She's on us enough as it is," Fred said.
"We're really going to have to work hard if we want to catch back up," George said.
"Can't believe you went and broke our record," Fred said, shaking his head. "Never been so proud in our lives, have we, George?"
"That's right, Fred, I was just telling-"
"I can walk on my own, thanks," Lily said, pulling her arm out of Fred's grip.
"Listen, Lily," George said far more quietly. "We couldn't help but notice that you didn't go on the last two Hogsmeade trips."
"We know you didn't get your slip signed," Fred said at the same volume, "But we thought you would have-"
"How'd you know that?" Lily asked, her eyes narrowed.
"Lily, we make it our personal business to know everything about our family," Fred said, pretending to be hurt. Lily did feel hurt, her heart aching in her chest.
"I'm not-"
"That," George said, "And Hermione told us."
"She went to McGonagall about it," Fred explained when Lily seemed confused. "She noticed you moping about, see, and she just wanted to find an easy way to help you get past the-"
"So she asked you to help me, did she?" Lily asked, wondering why she felt so angry. "She could have just-"
"Don't go biting our heads off just yet, Lily," George said with a finger wag. "Believe you me, the last thing she wants is for us to tell you how to get into Hogsmeade."
"Then why are you-"
"Katie asked us," Fred said with a knowing smile, "She was very upset that you ditched her after promising-"
"I can't get past the dementors," Lily said. "Wasn't my fault."
"Ah, but you see," Fred said, "We finally come to the crux of the matter."
"What do you-"
"You already have everything you need to sneak by in your possession, Lily," George said. "Fred and I were sneaking into Hogsmeade since our second year, weren't we?"
"How do you think we managed that, Lily?" Fred asked.
"How would I-" Lily said, followed by a long pause. "The map shows how to get into Hogsmeade, doesn't it?"
"Look at that, Fred," George said with a smile. "You owe me a Galleon. She figured it out in five seconds."
The next week was one of the most agonizing in Lily's life, between the sleepless nights, the massive amounts of homework (that she, admittedly, had mostly given up on), her new secret project, and the normal class schedule. She finally had something to be excited about, now that she knew the secret, and that only made it more difficult to focus. Katie seemed to know she'd been told, and every time they saw each other, the girl gave her a bright smile and a friendly wave. That was all that was getting her through the days, lately, and it got her stomach turning every time.
"Normal," she whispered to herself when they passed in the hallway. The brief feelings of fear and panic were almost enough to make her give up, but she deserved something nice, even if all the voices and thoughts in her head told her she didn't.
She was especially distracted on the first day, Monday, where she couldn't help but wonder about what she and Katie would be doing on the weekend. She was stirring her Fearlessness Potion idly, daydreaming, a smile threatening to appear on her lips, when Snape spoke up from behind her.
"Can you read, Potter?" he said in a quiet voice that, none-the-less, carried across the whole room. Lily felt her face flush when she saw Malfoy nudge those nearest to him, as if they weren't already listening with their attention rapt.
"Yes, sir," Lily said, doing her best to stay calm. Staying silent with Snape would only ever make it worse; she knew that from experience.
"Read line four, Potter," Snape said, tilting his head toward the blackboard. Lily clenched her jaw as her eyes scanned the blackboard.
"'Crush your dandelions, extracting the juice from them, then pour the extract into the solution until it turns a bright orange.'"
"And did you add dandelion juice, Potter?"
"No, sir," Lily said. "I added whole stems, but it's more potent if you-"
"I do not care what incompetent results you believe you shall find, Potter," Snape said, loud enough so the whole room could hear. "What matters in this classroom is not what trivialities you may find in your personal time, but whether or not you can follow basic instructions. What colour is your potion, Potter?"
"Green," Lily said, "But in a few minutes it'll be-"
"Nothing at all," Snape said. Lily didn't even notice him draw his wand, but in a second, it was waved over her cauldron, vanishing the contents within. "You will receive a zero for the day, and I expect a full essay on the applications of each individual ingredient to be turned in before the weekend. Do you understand, Potter, or do I need to write it down for you, since you are incapable of understanding the simplest of commands?"
"I understand," Lily said through clenched teeth.
"I understand, sir," Snape corrected.
"I understand, sir," Lily repeated, not meeting his eyes. Snape nodded a single time and then walked off towards the front of the class. Lily didn't bother waiting; she packed up her things, shoved them into her bag, and then walked out of the classroom without bothering to ask for permission. If Snape tried to give her a detention, she didn't care, she just needed to be out of that room.
She didn't understand why Snape was complaining now; she'd been using her private research during class for two years, now, and it always gained her the best results in the class. Plus, she brewed this particular potion already, over the summer, just to test out what she'd found, to make sure it was reliable information. The result had been so good that Fred and George bought the whole thing off of her. What they planned to do with it, she didn't know, but she gave it to them for free; she was just happy for the rare compliment.
She was very careful over the next few days, and even managed to get all of her homework done (for Transfiguration, at least), so as not to give McGonagall an excuse for more detentions. She was running off very little sleep, but she managed to get up on time every day. McGonagall didn't seem pleased about the quality of her work, but she never complained about it, and they moved on to turning tables into tortoises, a feat Lily remembered completing for her practical exam. She was pleased to be the only person in the class to get it right before the bell rang, and McGonagall even offered her a rare smile for it. Lily figured that bought her a few more weeks without being forced into remedial classes.
Finally, Saturday arrived, and Lily got up as early as she dared. She needed to make a big show of eating breakfast, looking miserable, so that the staff could see she wasn't leaving with the rest of the third years. Katie gave her a wink as she left, and that bolstered her spirits.
"Normal thoughts, Lily," she reminded herself.
Half an hour after the last students made their way off campus, Lily finally left, pretending to head off for a walk around the castle. She saw Lupin trying to wave her down, but she walked off in the opposite direction. When she rounded the corner, she threw her Invisibility Cloak on, and then set off as quickly as she could for the fourth floor. She dug the packet of parchment out of her robes as she went, her heart beating rapidly.
"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," Lily whispered, feeling that it was most certainly true on this occasion. Each ink dot was labelled with a name, and Lily quickly found her own on the fourth floor, fidgeting nervously near the drawing of a lonely mirror down a side corridor, near a trio of talking suits of armour. She walked closer to it, waiting for the dot of Colin Creevey to choose a passage (she did her best imitation of Peeve's cackle to make him choose a different route), then pulled out her wand nervously.
"Vasavapora," she said, tapping her wand to the mirror and urging it to change. There was a quiet poof, and Lily felt the air breeze past her, but her spell did the trick. The glass in the mirror was gone, revealing a brightly lit passage within, and Lily clambered past the frame, heart beating quickly in excitement. There was a brief woosh as the air coalesced behind her, forming back into a mirror, and dragging the tail of her robe and the loose strands of her hair back towards it.
The secret chamber should have been impressive, she knew, but the short tunnel immediately ended in a collapsed tunnel. The twins told her to avoid this shortcut, but she had a plan she'd been working on for a while. She dug into her robe and pulled out the small sheet of parchment.
On it, she'd drawn a simple series of circles and runes of power. It was the best she could do with the limited knowledge she had, and she hoped it would do. They were always warned ahead of time to not experiment like this outside of monitored situations, but it wasn't like she had much of a choice. Besides, if it went wrong, it wasn't like anybody would miss her. She placed the parchment in the palm of her hand, between skin and wand, and aimed it all towards the rubble.
"Anapneo," she said confidently. She could feel the magic running down her arm and then there was a bright flash and a strong gust of wind, pushing her back against the mirror hard enough to know the breath out of her, and she fell to the floor.
Lily looked up, her hands covering her head for safety, and was pleasantly surprised to see that the passage now led straight towards another mirror, spanning across dozens of metres. She hurried to her feet, running along the passage. It seemed like this was supposed to be some sort of very large, circular room, with two smaller passages through the center that ended in two mirrors. Rubble still covered the rest of the room, and she didn't want to spend time on it just to satiate her curiosity.
The other mirror, once similarly converted, exited into a dusty basement, full of barrels and kegs. Lily tossed the cloak over herself and then jogged up the rickety stairs. Fred and George told her there was no need to be stealthy in here, but she still didn't want to be seen.
She came out in a dusty, dirty pub, full of shrewd looking individuals and shady dealings.
And the twins, sitting with Lee Jordan, drinking some dusty looking bottles of butterbeer near the exit. Lily hurried towards them, feeling good about herself for the first time in weeks.
"Thanks," she said, enjoying the confused look on Fred's face; neither twin knew about her cloak. Lily took a moment to memorize the pub behind her when she left, so she'd be able to find it once it was time to leave. She didn't know if she'd ever come to the Hog's Head for a drink, but it certainly had its uses.
It was much colder outside, and Lily felt nervous that Katie wouldn't show up. What if she wanted to spend time with somebody else, instead? Lily could hardly blame her, but she didn't know if she could take it.
"Normal," she reminded herself. She'd find something else to do if she had to.
The streets outside were bustling with older students, roving in groups and chatting with each other. There were quite a few couples, looking into shop windows while holding hands, and Lily felt herself growing more nervous, her palms growing sweaty in response. She kept wiping them off while she waited near the Owl Post, as they agreed, and then had to run off to a nearby alleyway when she finally remembered to remove her cloak. She was stuffing it into her robes when she walked out, bumping straight into another girl.
"Sorry," Lily said, trying to step around, still searching for Katie.
"Lily?" A very tired looking Hermione Granger said. "What are you doing here, you're not supposed to be-"
Lily shushed her quickly, and then pulled her back into the alley.
"I'm just here to-"
"Lily," Hermione said in a furious whisper, "You're not supposed to be here, you don't have permission!"
"I'll be fine, Hermione, nobody noticed me sneaking in, I found a-"
"That's beside the point!" Hermione said, her face getting flustered. "Lily, you are in danger! I asked McGonagall why you weren't being allowed, Sirius Black is looking for you, Lily, he's been spotted near Hogwarts!"
Lily rolled her eyes. "Hermione, do you really think Sirius Black would walk into the crowded streets of Hogsmeade and murder me in front of so many people?"
"Yes!" Hermione said hysterically, Lily shushing her again. "Lily, what do you think he went to Azkaban for in the first place?"
"Killing somebody," Lily said simply.
"He killed eight people, Lily!" Hermione said harshly. "Eight! In the middle of London! With a single spell!"
"He hasn't got a wand, Hermione, he can't-"
"You don't know that," Hermione said, pulling at her own hair now. "He could have picked one up anywhere, Lily, and even if he hasn't, he could still-"
"I'll be careful, Hermione," Lily promised, "But I'm not going back to the castle, I promised Katie I'd-"
"Lily, please," Hermione said, grabbing tightly onto Lily's arm. But she wasn't paying attention; she'd just spotted the one she was looking for making her way through the crowd.
"I'll talk to you later, Hermione," Lily said, shaking herself loose. "We'll meet you in the Three Broomsticks for lunch, if you want, but I'm not going back, so stop talking about it."
"Lily-"
"See you later, Hermione," Lily said, stepping out of the alley as she smoothed back a loose strand of hair. She jogged forward as quickly as she could, waving excitedly when Katie spotted her.
"You're here faster than I thought you'd be," Katie said. "I thought you'd be- is Hermione all right back there?"
"She'll be fine," Lily said, not looking back.
"She's looking a bit-"
"She'll join us for lunch later," Lily said, trying to drag Katie off. "She wants a little alone time."
"Well, all right," Katie said reluctantly.
"Where are we going first?" Lily asked when Katie finally fell in step. Lily spared a glance back at Hermione, giving her a reassuring smile. She looked afraid, her hands wringing together nervously, her face pale, chewing on her lip, as if she was unsure if she should chase after Lily, try harder to convince her. Lily turned back, giving Katie a much more subdued smile.
"Have you seen the Shack, yet?" Katie asked.
"I don't even know what that is!" Lily said happily.
As it turned out, Katie was referring to the Shrieking Shack, a dilapidated manor near the edge of the village that, a nearby sign claimed, was supposedly the most haunted building in all of Magical Britain (which, of course, begged the question as to what the most haunted building in normal Britain was). There were quite a few couples and gangs of friends milling about, some leaning on the nearby fence, some trying to shove and dare each other into getting closer to the building. Lily briefly considered walking right up to the front door, just to prove how brave she was to Katie, but she had no idea why that thought even occurred to her. She tried to focus on the run down thing; it had boarded up windows (all from the inside, interestingly), the shingles on the roof were peeling off, there were several holes in the framing (all shoddily patched up), and the whole thing gave off a general feeling of anxiety.
Lily couldn't stand being here, but Katie seemed to love it. They quickly took the spot of another couple on the fence, leaning close to each other to leave more room around them. It was cold enough so Lily could see her breath misting up in front of her, despite not even reaching winter yet, and she wished she'd brought more than a scarf. Her normally thick hair was tied up on the back of her head, and she really could have used a hat. She made a mental note to buy one just as soon as they made it back to the village. She also needed a pair of gloves; she hadn't expected it to be this cold today. She hadn't gone out in what felt like ages.
Katie was talking about something, but Lily was having a hard time listening. She was playing with her hands nervously, like she'd just seen Hermione doing, while she looked around at the nearby people. The closest couple were leaning in close to each other, their hands overlayed as they chat. Lily didn't recognize the Ravenclaw boy, but the Hufflepuff was the same blonde girl who made fun of her all those days ago, the same one her hair colour refused to change from. Lily turned back to the house, feeling that coming out today really was a mistake. She couldn't stand being around everybody and their smiling faces.
"You all right, Potter?" Katie asked. She placed a hand gently on Lily's own. She had to fight the urge to flinch away from it, but she had to admit that it made her feel better.
"I'm just cold," Lily said. It wasn't quite a lie.
"Let's get back to the village," Katie said, taking her firmly by the hand. "I'll buy you a hat."
Lily let herself be dragged along, wondering why her heart was beating so quickly now. Katie ran her thumb over Lily's, sending her heart rate skyrocketing. She wanted to break away, to go be off on her own, as she felt a panic rising in her, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.
"What colour would you like?" Katie asked as they walked. They passed other students occasionally on the forested path.
"Doesn't matter," Lily said in a shaky voice. She moved closer to Katie, trying to calm herself down.
"Well, if you're going to change your hair back, we should get you something that goes nice with red," Katie said. "We could go plain black, it'll match you either way if we do that. Do you still like the blonde?"
"No," Lily said. "I'm a bit sick of it, actually."
"Really?" Katie asked curiously. "Why still wear it that way, then?"
Lily hesitated, shuffling the feet, feeling the familiar cold settling in. Katie squeezed on her hand as if she could sense the sudden nerves.
"It's stuck," Lily admitted, speaking quietly. "I- We learned to change it in Transfiguration but I- I couldn't get it to go back."
Katie's face briefly dipped into surprise, and Lily looked away. Katie looked both ways, to check if anybody was looking, and then dragged Lily into the shaded woods, away from the path where others would be able to see them.
"You should have told me," she said, forcing Lily to lean down against a tree. Katie whipped out her wand, then kneeled down next to her. "I could have fixed it for you sooner, I've been missing the red, I just didn't want to upset you."
"Sorry," Lily said, suddenly feeling very embarrassed. "I just- I didn't want you to think that I was stupid, and Hermione wouldn't fix it for me."
"And McGonagall wouldn't do it for you?" Katie asked between her mutterings. Lily felt her head growing much warmer as the spell worked its magic. "It must have been weeks by now, I remember covering it last year."
"She says it'll be on our exams," Lily said quietly. "She'll put me in remedial classes next term if I can't figure it out by then."
"I'll help you practice," Katie offered, nodding in satisfaction as she tucked her wand away. "Every day, if we have to. I'll head up to the Astronomy Tower, right after supper. You meet up there if you want to study. I'll head back to the common room if you don't show, so don't feel like you're obligated. I like sitting up there, it's got a really nice view."
"Thanks, Katie," Lily said, feeling herself tear up as she pulled her hair down and around to check it. It was just as she remembered, although perhaps a bit darker. She didn't know if that was because of the lighting under the tree. Regardless, it was red, and she felt warm all over.
Katie pulled Lily into a hug, and then Lily really did let a few tears go. She wiped them away, feeling stupid.
"We're supposed to be having a good time," she said, her voice breaking slightly, "And here I am crying. Sorry, Katie, I should-"
"Forget it, Potter," Katie said, still holding her in the hug. "I've seen you moping about the castle. Come talk to me anytime you want. I- err- well, I like being around you."
Lily didn't know what to say about that. When they finally broke the hug, she found her she couldn't stop staring at Katie's flushed face. She couldn't help but notice how pretty Katie was. She knew the other girl had green eyes, but in this light, they seemed to shimmer like jewels.
Lily wanted to do several things simultaneously, but the main one was run away.
"Come on, Potter," Katie said, taking her by the hand again. "Let's go see a man about a hat."
"I think the green looks cute, Lily," Katie said, placing yet another warm beanie firmly on Lily's head. "What do you think?"
Lily glanced at the mirror. The hat was styled to be much longer than a normal Muggle one, presumably to resemble a wizard hat. Lily wasn't focused on that, though; the compliment got a smile to appear on her face immediately, even as it worried her. She was having a hard time looking at Katie, now, even though she wanted to. Every time Katie touched her hand, or her shoulder, or just her hair, it sent her into a frenzy of nerves, stupid giggles, and an increasing need for physical contact.
Lily tried to swallow the fear down again. She could do this, she could face this. She used to be a Gryffindor, she could be brave.
"I think you look great," she said after far too long of a silence.
"Err- thanks, Potter," Katie said in a confused tone, "But that wasn't the question, was it?"
"What was the question again?" Lily asked, feeling stupid. Her hand went up to her hair, idly twirling it around a finger. That was hard to stop looking at, too; the red had never seemed so beautiful.
"Do you like the green?" Katie asked, gesturing towards the hat. "We can get a more traditional hat, if you'd like; this one might be warmer, but it's a bit too much like what Muggles wear. I don't think McGonagall would let you-"
"I don't think McGonagall would let me wear any hat during her class," Lily said. "We'll get a normal one, though; the wool makes my head itchy."
"Fair enough," Katie said with a shrug. "Do you still want the green? It goes well with your eyes, I think, really makes them shine."
Lily felt another spike of anxiety, feeling like it was getting harder to ignore them.
"Yeah," she said, her voice cracking slightly. "We'll- err- go with the green."
New hat placed firmly on her head, and feeling much warmer, they wandered back out onto the crowded streets. Lily very much wanted to grab on to Katie's hand, but every time she went for it, she felt the familiar pang of fear, and she'd pull back.
"Want to go to Honeyduke's?" Katie asked, an excited smile coming over her. "I can't believe I didn't think of it before- come on, Potter, you're going to love it."
Katie grabbed Lily by the wrist, which wasn't quite what she wanted, but she supposed it would have to do. She needed time to think, anyway.
Why was she so scared? Closing her eyes and thinking about it brought only a spike of pain and fragments of memories and voices.
She couldn't fancy Katie; every fiber of her being was telling her it was wrong, that something very bad would happen if she even tried admitting it. She could remember overhearing brief snippets from the Dursleys- they hated the very thought of it, considered it strange.
They always thought she was strange.
Lily tried to push away the memories. She felt like she was forgetting something, something important, that would solve all her problems, but trying to bring it up only made her feel cold again, and she wanted to feel warm, to be normal.
Lily took the chance, while her confidence still stood, sliding her hand into Katie's while the other girl wouldn't notice the difference. There wasn't a difference, not really, but it felt different to her. It felt important, like it mattered, even though it made her chest constrict with fear.
They left Honeyduke's, a heavy, candy laden bag held firmly in Lily's free hand. Somehow, Lily had managed to slip hers into Katie's again, and the other girl wasn't fighting it. Lily glanced around at the street, desperate for something to calm her. There were other girls holding hands, too, and they couldn't all be couples. It was a perfectly normal thing to do.
She was normal, and that was fine.
"Want a butterbeer?" Katie asked, snapping Lily's thoughts back to reality.
"A what?" she asked, trying very hard to not look at Katie for too long.
"A butterbeer," she repeated, pointing towards a nearby building. "We can get one at Rosmerta's, if you want."
"Absolutely," Lily said. A nice, cold drink would do well for calming her down.
Unfortunately, butterbeers were served warm, which she learned immediately upon taking her first sip.
Also unfortunately, Madame Rosmerta was the buxom blonde Lily had, briefly, been infatuated with during the last year, when she saw McGonagall chatting with her. Just seeing her again brought back all sorts of confused feelings, and Lily was finding it hard to justify any of them.
"Do you like it?" Katie asked. Lily nodded, then took another large gulp. The less time she had to talk, the less likely she was to embarrass herself. "Merlin, Lily, slow down, I only brought so many knuts with me."
"I'll pay," Lily offered, taking the chance to stand up and get a breather away from Katie. Of course, ordering from Madame Rosmerta proved more difficult than expected, and she found herself staring blankly at the pretty woman's confused face when words failed her.
"Ten seconds," Rosmerta said in her sultry voice, "And then I'm moving on, dear, I haven't got all day."
"Butterbeer," Lily finally managed during the last two.
Lily returned to Katie shortly after, horrified to realize she still hadn't come up with anything to say.
"How's your French going?" Katie asked as she sat back down. "Keeping up with it all right?"
Lily was more than happy to latch onto anything, at this point.
"It's been slow," she said, "There's this one spell- Sagittoro- I'm not even sure what it does yet, to be honest, haven't gotten a chance to try it out- but I don't know what- err- pouvez ajouter- err- un-" Lily's face reddened as Katie began laughing quite loudly. "Un modificateur au- err- sort pour un effet- effet supplémentaire. That. I don't know what all that means. Sorry."
Katie's laugh died off in a silent hiss. Lily really didn't think it was that funny, and she now very much wanted to leave.
"Sorry," Katie said, wiping her face and hiding her smile behind her hand. "I just- blimey, Lily, we need to work on your pronunciation. And- err- everything, really. That was terrible."
"Sorry," Lily said sheepishly. She took another long sip of her new drink. Her face never felt this hot before.
"All right," Katie said, leaning forward a bit. "I think what you're getting at is 'add a modifier for an additional effect.' How's the rest of the spell work?"
"Pull your arm back, like a bow," Lily said, demonstrating for her. "I think it shoots something like an arrow, if that makes sense. I got that from the diagram."
"Didn't translate it, did you?" Katie asked.
"Didn't need to," Lily said. "Most of the diagrams are very clear, I skip ahead to what the spells do. I'm not making that mistake again."
"What are you talking about?" Katie asked with a raised eyebrow.
"First year," Lily said quietly, leaning in closer, "I snuck into the forbidden section in the library, right after I got the cloak. I was going to just take a book, read it later, but I got nervous, and decided I'd just try out one spell and leave."
"And you didn't read it first?" Katie asked.
"I was a first year!" Lily said. "The most dangerous spell we tried at that point was Wingardium Leviosa, I didn't think I'd find something dangerous in the library, I didn't expect to blow up a table."
"You didn't!"
"Well, it was a chair," Lily admitted with a shrug. "But the table broke, too. Wood went everywhere, I almost killed myself, and if Filch had caught me, I think McGonagall would have."
"Is that what all those detentions were for?" Katie asked. "Fred and George had me convinced it was because of a dragon."
"No, that was later," Lily said, placing her left hand firmly on the table. "See, I've got the scars from when it bit me."
Katie ran her own incredibly soft hand over Lily's, running them along the pink, stretched scars. Lily ignored the feelings it gave her.
"Potter, where in the hell did you run into a dragon?" Katie asked, equal amounts amazed and horrified.
"Hagrid," Lily said simply, ignoring the fact that Katie was still touching her hand. "He- err- he got an egg from Quirrell in first year, hatched it in his hut- it- it bit me when I was helping him feed it."
"I've always meant to ask," Katie said quickly, "What was up with Quirrell, anyway? All Dumbledore told us was that he wanted the stone, but he never said why."
"Oh, that's easy," Lily said. "He had Lord Voldemort on the back of his head."
Katie jumped at the sound of his name, her hand finally retreating from Lily's.
"You're joking," she said.
"Why would I joke about that?"
"That's what he was hiding underneath his turban? Blimey, Fred said a few times that he was hiding a second face, but we all thought he was joking!"
"Well, he didn't know it was actually true. They tried convincing me that he was keeping garlic underneath it to scare away the vampires."
"Well, he did always smell, didn't he?"
Lily glanced down at her hand. Katie had put hers back on top of it at some point during the conversation, and she didn't even notice. She looked at the clock, realizing they'd need to leave soon; the time they were allowed for Hogsmeade was almost through.
She wasn't sure if she wanted this time to end, even though she was still fighting the urge to run away. Katie was talking again, but Lily's ears were ringing as she tried to fight the temptation.
"What do you think, Lily?"
Lily locked eyes with Katie and found the girl smiling nervously.
"What was the question?" she asked.
"Oh," Katie, glancing down at the table. "I thought I- err- I asked if you wanted to-"
A bag was placed, or perhaps thrown, on their table, startling them both away from each other. Hermione leaned in close, her face red with anger.
"Lily, you need to leave, now," she said in a furious whisper.
Lily glanced at Katie, who seemed just as confused and upset, then back at Hermione.
"Hermione, I already told you, I'm not-"
"Lily, you don't understand, you're in danger, you have to-"
"Hermione, Sirius Black isn't going to-"
"I'm not talking about Sirius Black!" Hermione said in a hiss. "McGonagall is here, in Hogsmeade, she's-
"You told her?" Lily asked in horror.
"Lily, would you please just listen to me, I'm not trying to argue, I'm trying to warn you, McGonagall is here, right outside, she's showing the Minister for Magic around, you need to leave!"
Lily let her mouth fall open as her brain processed the information. Then the bell at the entrance rang, and she looked over just in time to see Fudge and McGonagall come in, along with (surprisingly) Hagrid, Rosmerta escorting them with a friendly wave. Lily let out a squeak while the two girls made a barrier in front of her, just to block her out of view. Lily scrambled under the table, digging the cloak out, and emerged on the other side as she swung it over her body.
"I'll ask you at the Tower," Katie whispered while Hermione took Lily's old seat. Lily squeezed her on the shoulder, then hurried out, walking as quickly as she dared back to Honeyduke's.
Lily was completely out of breath by the time she reached the Astronomy Tower from her frantic sprint. Part of her wanted to head straight back to the common room, to establish an alibi, but other part of her (the part that wasn't terrified) was awfully curious about what Katie wanted to ask.
Lily leaned against the wall, sliding down it, feeling slightly sick with her decision. She played with her hair, chewing nervously on the inside of her mouth. She almost smiled when she saw the red hair locked around her nails, when she thought about how cute Katie's face was when it was screwed up in concentration. But that brought back the unknown terror, and she stood, starting to pace to relieve some of her nerves.
She was just starting to wonder how long she would have to wait when she heard somebody coming up the stairs. She quickly tried to make herself look as nice as possible, leaning casually against the nearby wall.
And then the strict, proper form of McGonagall walked around the corner, looking massively displeased, two sad looking teenaged girls following behind her, staring at their feet.
Lily sat down in front of McGonagall's desk, not bothering to look at the two girls at either side of her. To think: things had finally been going so well.
"I thought I saw that familiar shade of red in Hogsmeade, Potter," McGonagall said after an excruciatingly long pause. "At first, I thought I might have imagined it. After all, just this morning, you were still wearing the blonde."
"I figured it out, Professor," Lily said, her lips pursed together when she wasn't talking.
"Fascinating," McGonagall said. "And would you mind telling me what your hair was doing in Hogsmeade?"
Lily let the conversation fall into silence; she wasn't going to be the one to speak, and she certainly wasn't going to incriminate herself or anybody else.
"We shall do the other two, first, then," McGonagall said. "Ms. Bell, I will start with you. I will be taking ten points from Gryffindor, for aiding and abetting, as well as a detention with me tomorrow afternoon, and your Hogsmeade privileges will be removed for the remainder of the year. We shall revisit during the following school year. You are dismissed."
Katie rose slowly. Lily felt her looking in her direction, but she didn't, her stomach twisting in agony, praying Katie wouldn't hate her for this. She heard the office door close shortly afterwards.
"Miss Granger," McGonagall continued. Lily heard Hermione whimper next to her, and her heart softened towards the other girl.
"Hermione wasn't involved, Professor," Lily said, breaking her silence. "She tried to convince me to come back, right as soon as she saw me, and I told her to bugger off."
McGonagall didn't seem surprised about that. She nodded as if it made perfect sense.
"Even so, Miss Granger, I will be taking ten points from Gryffindor, for not notifying Hogwarts staff immediately. I already explained to you why Potter would be unsafe in Hogsmeade, and you chose to allow her to remain. You will serve a detention with me tomorrow afternoon, but you may retain your Hogsmeade privileges, provided you do not break the rules any further. You are dismissed."
Hermione rose far more quickly. Lily heard her crying as she left the room, and she knew the girl was off to immediately write home; she'd want her parents to know what happened as quickly as possible. That was just great; Lily really needed an angry letter from the Grangers for getting their perfect daughter in trouble.
McGonagall let out a long sigh, took off her glasses, placed them on the desk in front of her, and then rubbed at her eyes. Lily had never seen her looking so exhausted.
"Miss Potter," she said in a tired voice. "Do you have any idea how much danger you put yourself into?"
"Sirius Black isn't going to-"
"Sirius Black, Potter, is the least of your concerns," McGonagall said in a cold fury. "And don't you worry, Potter, we will get to him. The dementors are stationed all over and they have been known to have an adverse effect on you in particular. Did it ever occur to you what the dementors would do if they found somebody who is not supposed to be in Hogsmeade, when they are on the lookout for a mass murderer?"
"No, but-"
"If the dementors were to corner you, Potter, without a member of staff there to assist you, the consequences would be unimaginable. You absolutely cannot do anything to earn their ire, they are here to-"
"Okay, I get it," Lily said in frustration, crossing her arms. "I won't go near them again, I promise."
"As for Sirius Black," McGonagall continued, her expression shrewd, "He has been sighted near Hogwarts. In fact, he was sighted in Hogsmeade itself." Lily felt her face drop. "That's right, Potter. Rosmerta was the one who saw him. Why do you think I was escorting the Minister to her premises?"
Lily clenched her jaw, feeling stupid.
"The Minister is not convinced," McGonagall admitted. "He does not believe Black would dare to come so close; otherwise, no students would have been allowed outside. Those of us who know him better disagree. And, if you were wondering, it was Rosmerta who alerted me that you were in Hogsmeade. She had no idea you weren't supposed to be there, sitting in her pub, until I mentioned it during our discussion."
At least she knew who to blame now.
"Okay," Lily said quietly, her shoulders slumping. "I won't go into Hogsmeade anymore, Professor, I promise."
McGonagall was silent for a long time as she watched Lily squirm in her seat.
"What am I supposed to do with you, Potter?" she said at last, finally placing her glasses back on her nose. "I believed we reached an agreement at the end of last year. And, yet, I find you getting into trouble almost every day. How much longer am I expected to stay patient with you?"
Lily lapsed back into silence, but she at least looked down at her feet, feeling ashamed. She should have known she wouldn't get out of this without her daily dressing down.
"I may not be your Head of House any longer, Potter, but allow me to offer you some advice: you need to behave yourself. Professor Snape has been pushing for your suspension for weeks. Dumbledore is close to relenting. He is the sole reason you are still sitting in front of me now. I have always sided with him on the matter. I am the sole reason you are not having this discussion with Professor Snape. By all means, I should have reported you to him, and let him handle his own student. I did not, because I understand why you are acting out. I understand, Potter, but my tolerance is wearing thin. I have been patient. I have asked the other staff to show restraint on your behalf. From here on out, I will give them full reign to punish you as they see fit."
Lily stayed silent, even though she felt like she should say something.
"I do not know what is going on with you, Potter, but I am still your teacher. You can talk to me. If you are having trouble adjusting to Slytherin, we can-"
"I don't need help," Lily said before she could stop herself.
"I disagree," McGonagall said. "And we will be discussing it further during your detentions."
"They only got one, why do I-"
"Because you were the one who was not supposed to be there, Potter. You will serve a detention with me every Saturday-"
"Every-"
"and Sunday, Potter, until you return from the Holidays. If you cannot behave yourself after that point, I will be the one pushing for your suspension, on that you can trust me."
"But-"
"I will also be taking 30 points from Slytherin," McGonagall continued. "Your behaviour is inexcusable, Potter. Never in my life have the staff here experienced so much difficulty from a single student. Your father misbehaved, yes, but-"
"My father wasn't-"
"Your father was one of the biggest troublemakers in the history of Hogwarts, Potter, he and those friends of his," McGonagall said, "And we all hoped you would choose to follow in your mother's footsteps instead."
"Don't talk about my mother," Lily said angrily. McGonagall raised her eyebrows sharply, and Lily knew she was toeing across the line, and she shut her mouth, despite how desperately she wanted to continue.
"I remember you perking up at any previous mention of her," McGonagall said curiously. "You even prefer her name. Just a year ago, you would have jumped eagerly at the opportunity to discuss her, even if you were in trouble."
"I'm sick of hearing about her," Lily spat. "I'm not her, Professor, I'm- I'm me, and- and that's all I- I want to be."
It's all she could be. As she thought it, as she finished speaking, the anger she was feeling subsided, replaced with a feeling of emptiness, of longing, and she turned her gaze to the ground. Her mother was better than she could ever achieve, she knew that much, she always did. Petunia always reminded her of it, always punished her and hurt her for her faults, the faults her mother never would have shown, never would have put up with, and now it was Snape and McGonagall and Lupin. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't do it. She'd never come close. She was worthless.
Hazel felt her eyes burning, and she clenched her jaw so tightly that her teeth hurt.
"I believe you have made that exceedingly clear, Potter," McGonagall said. "Your mother would have been disappointed by your actions as of late."
"I know," Hazel muttered to the tiles.
"Your mother was made Prefect and Head Girl for a reason, Potter," McGonagall said sternly. "She was always on her best behaviour, she devoted herself utterly to her studies, and she was friendly to all her fellow students, not just those that surrounded her. She was-"
"You're not listening, Professor," Hazel said desperately, swallowing the lump in her throat, "I don't want to-"
"Enough, Potter!" McGonagall said coldly, rising from her seat to exert her full authority. Hazel shrank down into her seat, folding in on herself. "You would do well to learn from her example. Your behaviour has been deplorable. I do not bring up your mother to embarrass you, to shame you. I mention her only because I know, despite what you say, how much you have valued the comparisons. I saw you smile the first time somebody compared you to her, Potter. Are you saying you no longer value her memory?"
"No," Hazel said quietly.
"Then what has changed?" McGonagall asked, sounding a bit kinder.
"Nothing," Hazel lied. She felt disgusted, like she didn't deserve to have her hair fixed, didn't deserve to look like her, didn't deserve to even be talked about in the same sentence as her mother. Like she didn't have the right. She felt like she deserved everything she was getting. Like she deserved worse, just like Aunt Petunia always told her.
She hated herself.
McGonagall let out a sigh. "Then we will try again later. I apologize for what I said earlier, Potter. It was out of line. Perhaps this will be a lesson to you. Perhaps, now, you will finally understand. You are dismissed. I will see you tonight, after supper, for your first detention."
Hazel stood from her seat, without a word, and left, staring at the ground.