Chapter 3

"Yeah, really, it's– I don't know, it felt so nice to address him as my husband, you know. Oh, that one? Yeah, my husband. I'm picking this up for my husband. My husband is a professor. Really, he wasn't Gil anymore. Every opportunity it was my husband".

Greg chuckled

"Why didn't you adopt his name, then?"

Sara swallowed her orange juice while organizing her thoughts in her head before answering.

"Well, first because I think it makes no sense. It's just a tradition… The kind of tradition that I really don't see a point. But I considered it, and soon discharged the idea"

"Why?"

"It would be for the wrong reasons. It was an opportunity for a fresh life, with a new and great last name, I'd leave Sidle behind - and with it, all its traumas and scars. But it wouldn't be true, at all"

The waitress filled their cups with coffee and when Sara lifted her head to thank her, she wondered briefly what her story was. Did she change her last name? Would she?

"I mean, I'll always be Sidle. As Grissom once told me, as a philosopher he sometimes is, everything that happened is part of my history and who I became. The important thing is what I'm going to do with my last name, not what it once was."

There was a little silence between them.

"Yeah, I think he is right", Greg said.

Sara shook her head in an affirmative way.

"Plus, since we are in the same field, it's complicated… Even though I got a lot of scientific articles made on my own, some done long before I met him, I didn't want to risk being his shadow, you know. Be his partner, his coworker, his student, yes. But not his shadow."

"And he was cool with it? I mean, with you not taking his name"

"Of course. Gil is… He's great, really. He never asked for it. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, found the situation hysterical, that's when he said those things to me, about my history, who I became etc etc etc – But on social occasions…"

"Yeah?"

"On social occasions I wouldn't correct people. When we were single, yes, 'cause it felt awkward. But after marriage, it was fine."

Sara smiled at Greg, who returned the smile. Talking about her relationship with Grissom was a mix of sadness with happiness. How come only one memory could raise it all?

Maybe she should stop talking about it, before she'd break apart. Since Grissom was in town, helping with Heather's case, she couldn't have the luxury to go home and cry.

"You guys never talked with each other anymore?", Greg broke the silence.

"You are full of questions today, aren't you?"

"Well, I have to take the opportunity, right?", he laughs, "So much time with so little words…", he raised his shoulders while still smiling, before getting a little more serious "I mean, I thought you could rely on me, on us".

"And you're right, and I know I can", Sara assured him, reaching for his hand, "And I'm sorry keeping you guys in the dark, it's just…"

Something got on her throat and she had to let go of his hands to take a sip of her water. She wasn't about to cry, not at all, but the waves of emotion were still high.

"I didn't lose only my husband that day, you know, Greg? I lost my mentor, my partner, my friend…"

"I'm so sorry, Sara"

Sara swallowed dry. It has been getting harder to do or was it just an impression?

"But, uh, answering your question, yes. Sometimes we call each other, but it is very, very, rare".

And always very good to hear his voice, to share a little bit, to learn what he's been up to and–

"I thought you'd call him while we were quarantining".

"Oh, no, no"

And tell him what? "Hey, just passing by to say that I'm on the verge of dying. Again! And maybe you will never see me anymore or talk to me."?

Calling when in desperation wouldn't be the greatest idea. What if he said going back to Vegas would be the end of her sooner or later? What if he said he didn't want to know that?

What if he said he was fine about it?

Silly, he would never say that. He was, at least, very polite. And he cared for her, she knows he did. The phone calls or texting was his way to show that. She was glad, she truly was.

And sometimes she wished the phone would show his name more often on the display. But she understood that, just as it was for her, he probably felt bad about hanging up, too.

So it was best to stay away, for both their sakes.

She wouldn't tell Greg, even without any reason to, but Grissom got in touch upon learning of the virus that had been discovered in Vegas and that had infected two agents.

"Yes, it was me and Greg" - she told him, while getting comfortable on her sofa.

"You're kidding"

"I wish!"

There was a long silence in the line and, for a moment, she thought it had disconnected. But then, he cleared his throat.

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah! Yeah, I'm… I'm fine, you know. I… Yeah, I'm fine, thanks"

"What aren't you telling me, Sara?"

Shit, the man is good. She was at a loss of words. She wanted to tell him her fears and how lonely she felt when she realized she had no one to call to, like Greg did.

She wanted to tell him that she thought a lot about him and if he would take care of himself if the mortal virus would spread to the world.

And how badly she wanted to make one more trip with him, and thank him for everything they lived together and how much she missed it, but–

"I just want you to know that you can call me, or text me or email me, anytime you feel like, Sara." he said, his voice so, so, soft - "I'm, uh, pretty sure it was terrifying".

It was. And all I wanted was to hug you, to feel you close to me, to lie down and bury my face on your neck and tell you how much I love you, but instead:

"Yeah, thanks, I appreciate it. I'll keep it in mind when the next one happens".

He chuckled. She did too.

"I didn't want to worry him".