Dumbledore's office wasn't very far away, but it still felt like ages before Lily reached it. She stumbled on the hem of her cloak as she came to a stop, sliding across the ground on slick boots (Filch was mopping the seventh floor, and he yelled at them as they sprinted past). She paused in front of the gargoyle, trying to rub out the small ache in her knee while she scrambled for the password. Lupin definitely brought her here after- well, best not think of that- but she couldn't remember a single thing up until she was sitting in front of Dumbledore.
"Why, if it isn't Silly Little Lily!" Peeves said, whistling a catcall and floating through a nearby wall. "Come to see what all the ruckus is about, eh?"
"Sod off, Peeves," Lily said.
"Why, that's no way to talk to an old friend, is it?" Peeves said. Lily said something significantly worse, which just got Peeves cackling at her. "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth or is it just the Bell girl?"
Lily stopped midsentence. "You didn't- you saw- we weren't kissing, we were just-"
"Potty Wee Potter and the Bell-Who-Smells!" Peeves said with a carrying laugh. Lily glanced around in horror, but there were only a couple of confused first-year Gryffindors around.
"Peeves," Lily said, drawing her wand, "If you say a word, I'll-"
"Oh, no!" Peeves said. "Potty's going to take on ol' little Peevesey, is she? Oh, what ever will I do?"
"Peeves, I'm warning you, don't-"
"Peeves," McGonagall said calmly as she stepped past the gargoyle. "Be on your way, or I will fetch the Bloody Baron. Wand away, Potter. You are not allowed magic in the hallways."
Peeves blew a raspberry at the two of them and flew through the wall behind him. Lily tucked her wand away reluctantly.
"Thanks," she said tersely.
"I don't suppose I want to know what Peeves was threatening you with, Potter?" McGonagall asked. "Out breaking rules again, are we?"
"No," Lily said a little too quickly, her face growing warm. "Wasn't breaking any rules, honest."
"Then I will have the Bloody Baron speak with him," McGonagall said. "Dumbledore is waiting for you inside."
"Me?"
"Yes, you," McGonagall said with a knowing smile. "He sent me to fetch you. We should have known you would come running of your own accord."
"Please tell me Hermione didn't do what I think she did, Professor," Lily said, hopping up next to the gargoyle.
"I shall let you see for yourself," McGonagall said. "I shall see you next week, Miss Potter. Have a good night." McGonagall tapped the gargoyle with her wand, and then the staircase was rising with Lily standing on it. Lily heard shouting from behind the door, but she couldn't help herself, and the pushed it open without knocking first.
Snape stopped abruptly, looking absolutely furious. Dumbledore gave her a kind smile, his eyes twinkling, and Hermione sat in front of him, looking embarrassed and wearing robes hemmed green and silver.
"You didn't," Lily said, surprised by how hurt she felt.
"As I told you, Severus," Dumbledore said happily, "Lily had absolutely nothing to do with this."
"It was my choice, Professor," Hermione said. Lily couldn't take her eyes off the green tie around her throat.
"Lily," Dumbledore said, "If you would, please escort Miss Granger to your common room. I believe she will be needing the full tour."
"Right," Lily said, her feet too heavy to move. Hermione had to grab her by the arm before she could find the strength.
"I suppose we're heading to the dungeons?" Hermione asked as the platform began to spin downwards once more.
"Hermione, why did you do it?" Lily asked.
"I told you," Hermione said as she stepped off first. "I wasn't going to leave you alone again."
"You don't get it, Hermione," Lily said, following after her slowly.
"I have an idea, thank you," Hermione said. "Dumbledore told me personally, as a matter of fact, and I still went through with it."
"Hermione-"
"It's done, Lily," Hermione said, seeming awfully proud of herself. "There's no going back at this point. You said you had a shortcut up. Want to show me?"
"Come on," Lily said, trying not to clench her jaw too hard. She could already feel her teeth straining from the pressure. She didn't spare a glance to Hermione, but she could hear her following. Lily led her to the tapestry and pushed under it, taking the stairs as quickly as she could.
"Lily," Hermione called after her. Lily kept walking, all the way to the dungeons, stopping only briefly once she exited to light her wand. Then, she kept walking, Hermione's feet hurrying to keep up with her longer stride.
Lily stopped in front of the blank, stone wall, steeling herself for the walk through. It was already going to be hard enough without Hermione. Now, she could only imagine.
"Password is Wolfsbane," Lily said tersely, and then the doorway opened to the gloomy atmosphere of the common room. Lily stepped through without waiting. She could hear Hermione following, although far more nervously.
"Potter," a Prefect boy called out, approaching. "You're not supposed to bring an outsider student to the common room, that'll be-"
"Didn't hear the news, Griffiths?" Lily said angrily. "I know it's hard to make out the colours in here, but she's wearing the silver and green, isn't she?"
The snarky boy looked over Hermione, scowling.
"That's what the ruckus was, then?" he said. "Another Mudblood coming to join us?"
"Griffiths is a prick," Lily explained to Hermione. "Don't worry about a thing he says."
"That'll be a detention, Potter," Griffiths said.
"Don't think so," Lily said, tapping her badge. "You know how this works."
"Where did you-"
"I'll see you around," Lily said, dragging Hermione off towards the right hallway.
"Potter, you get back here this instant!"
"Shove it," Lily shouted back. Lily thought Hermione might argue again, but she was giving Lily a very strange look. Lily just clenched her jaw again. With her luck, Griffiths would go straight to Snape, and her badge would be gone before the first night was over. She should have kept her mouth shut.
Lily brought her into the girl's dorm, ignoring all the people suddenly staring at the two of them, and dragged her straight to the bed where Sae was waiting.
"Another one?" Sae asked curiously.
"Yeah," Lily said. She found her trunk very quickly and frowned at it. She didn't have the chance to claim a bed yet. Why was it here?
"Pleasure," Sae said, stretching out her hand.
"Hermione," Hermione said, taking it a little too eagerly. "Hermione Granger."
"Sae Asari," Sae said. "I see where you're looking, Lily. You missed Snape's lecture. He's assigning us each a bunk from here on out. Dumbledore's orders."
"Lovely," Lily said, climbing up into her top one. Freezing to death again was just what she wanted.
"He's got us next to each other, at least," Sae said, pointing back over to hers on Lily's right. "And we've both got firsties under us."
"I'm right there!" Hermione said happily, pointing over at Lily's left.
"Brilliant," Lily said, rolling over to her shoulder so she wouldn't have to look at anybody.
"Come on, Granger," Sae said, sounding a bit miffed. "I'll show you around myself, if Potter can't be bothered."
"But-"
"Just go, Hermione," Lily snapped.
As soon as they were gone, Lily regretted it. She rolled back over to her back, so she could gaze at her reflection in the glass ceiling above.
She didn't know what she was expecting. She finally made up her mind, decided to get back to Gryffindor, and it was immediately taken from her. Now she was stuck here. Her badge could only protect her for so long, before they went back to making her life a living hell.
How was she supposed to protect Hermione, too?
"You haven't asked about the Hat, yet," Hermione said over breakfast. She piled some more food onto Lily's plate, just like old times. Lily wished she wouldn't bother. She wasn't in the mood for eating much, but now she felt obligated.
"I thought you didn't want to talk about it," Lily said between bites. It's what she would have done.
"You aren't even slightly curious how I convinced it?" Hermione asked, lowering her voice. It wasn't necessary; at this early hour of the weekend, they were the only Slytherins at the table.
"Well, why did it let you in?" Hermione asked instead.
"Come off it, Hermione, if you want to tell me, then just-"
"Humour me, Lily," Hermione said patiently. Lily just scowled at her.
"Because it had to," Lily said after a very long pause. She turned back to her food. "Only a Slytherin can open the Chamber of Secrets."
"Exactly!" Hermione said, sounding immensely pleased.
"Brilliant," Lily said, hoping that would be the end of it.
"I opened the Chamber, Lily," Hermione said. "So, naturally, I should be a Slytherin. I even had proof of it!"
"And what was that?" Sae asked, shooting Lily a sharp glance. Lily just ignored it and kept eating. She really needed a Cheering Charm. Her head was starting to hurt, being this close to the dementors.
She should have known she wouldn't last even a few days.
"I spoke Parseltongue," Hermione said happily.
"No!" Sae said, sounding genuinely surprised. Her fork even slipped from her fingers. "Really?"
"I can't understand it, not like Lily can," Hermione said, "but if I focus really hard, I know exactly what words to say."
Lily supposed it made enough sense.
"There was more," Hermione said, "I was there for a really long time. Dumbledore walked me through what to say."
"And the Hat listened?"
"It had to," Hermione said. "The more evidence we added, the more pain the Hat felt."
"The Hat can feel pain?" Sae asked.
"Of course it can," Hermione said as if it was obvious. "It's enchanted to follow exact rules, and finding out that the rules had been circumvented almost killed it. That's why it wouldn't resort Lily or any of the others even after it had done for you. It was allowed the one loophole because of Slytherin, but Tom taking me around that was too much. Once it realized that, it had to sort me, or it would have lost itself."
"Oi, Hermione!" Ron called out as he and Neville approached. "You having us on?"
"I should go," Hermione said quickly, glancing at the muttering snakes nearby. "Don't want to have this conversation here. I'll see you soon, Lily."
Lily just grunted, not lifting her eyes from her plate as Hermione retreated to the Great Hall, her argument with Ron carrying far.
"What is wrong with you, Lily?" Sae hissed from next to her.
"I don't know," Lily said with a shrug.
"Well, you need to get over it," Sae said. "Hermione's a Muggleborn, in case you didn't notice. She's going to have it much worse than you ever did, she won't even get the chance to hide it like the first years get. They're going to tear her apart, Lily, if we don't get ahead of it."
"What am I supposed to do?" Lily said.
"You've got that badge, don't you?" Sae said, standing from the table angrily. "Why don't you use it?"
"All right, Elsie?" Hermione asked. Lily glanced up from her book, watching the bushy-haired girl talking to the first year girl who slept under her. When Hermione learned her name, she had no clue. "Why don't you sit with us?"
"I don't know," Elsie said nervously, looking over to some older girls nearby who were watching them.
"Leave it, Hermione," Sae suggested. "The firsties aren't supposed to sit with us. It's tradition."
Hermione rolled her eyes at that. "Sit down, Elsie. Don't let them bother you."
Elsie took a seat cautiously, her shoulder hunched down. Lily recognized that look of defeat. She noticed the other girl was avoiding her gaze at any cost.
"You the one who carved in my trunk today?" Lily asked, setting her quill down.
"Yes," Elsie admitted, her face blushing. Lily grunted and turned back to her book.
"Detention," she said, quill back in hand. "You can iron out the details with Snape later."
"Give her a break just this once, Lily," Hermione said.
"Why should I?" Lily asked.
"Somebody has to take the first step, Lily," Hermione said.
Lily stopped herself from snapping at the girl when she looked up and saw the warm smile Hermione was offering her. She clenched her jaw tight and scratched out a sentence on her parchment hard enough that the quill broke through into the table surface below.
"Fine," she said. "But do it again and you'll have a week's worth."
"Sorry," Elsie said.
"Why don't you let me see your homework?" Hermione asked, moving her chair closer to the first year girl.
"I'm all right," Elsie said, shrinking down into her seat.
"Rubbish," Hermione said. "You've written the wrong ingredients, look, Cure for Boils doesn't have Asphodel, that'd turn it toxic when you combine it with Flobberworm Mucus, the two don't go well."
"Thanks," Elsie said as she scratched it out.
Lily snorted at that.
"Do you have something to add, Lily?" Hermione asked patiently.
"Asphodel doesn't do a thing with Mucus," Lily said, not bothering to look up. "It's the Whitespine you have to watch out for, but you can substitute that for Dhampir Fangs and get a more potent potion."
"But the book says-"
"What the book says is rubbish," Lily said, looking up and gesturing for Elsie to hand her the essay. "It uses a simpler potion for beginners, hardly even shrinks the things, let alone curing it."
"She is a beginner, Lily," Hermione said, now frowning as Lily perused the assignment.
"And I know it says crushed fangs," Lily said, pointing to another section of the essay, "But if you do shavings instead, you'll need significantly less potion per boil. You'll have to let it cook longer, a whole hour instead of three quarters, but it'll be worth it. You'll just want to remove this whole section, Snape will give low marks if you just copy the book word for word."
"Better watch out, Potter," Sae said smugly. "You almost look like you're smiling."
Lily deepened her frown and handed the essay back over, turning back to her own work. She shouldn't have let herself get so carried away.
"You should keep going, Lily," Hermione prompted eagerly. "I really think it's-"
"No," Lily snapped. The moment was past. She let the conversation lapse back into silence, the only sounds that of her quill, Sae's, and Elsie's. Lily could practically feel the disappointed stare Hermione was drilling into her skull. They hardly talked all day.
"Emma is staring over here," Sae said, writing something on her parchment.
"So is Eleanor," Hermione said.
"Who?" Lily asked.
"The girls who sleep under us, Lily," Sae said. "Hermione has Eleanor, I have Emma."
"Right," Lily said. Who cares? "What do they want?"
"First years aren't supposed to talk to each other without permission," Elsie said quietly. "But they're- we were- were going to meet in the library, but Parkinson made us stay in here."
"They really aren't?" Hermione asked.
"Not unless you're from a really important family," Sae said. "Malfoy and his lot were all exempt, obviously."
"It's no wonder you had no other friends."
"Gee, thanks, Potter."
"Why aren't they allowed?" Hermione asked in a concerned tone.
"We're supposed to be serving our betters in our first year," Sae said with a shrug. "It's just how it's always been done, I suppose. None of us argued."
"They look a lot like you, don't they, Elsie?" Lily asked, narrowing her eyes at the embarrassed girl.
"They're triplets, Lily," Sae said as if it was obvious.
"I'll be right back," Hermione said as she stood. "I have an idea."
"I think you're getting us into trouble, Hermione," Sae said an hour later, when all six girls were studying at the same table.
"Maybe we should invite more first years," Lily added angrily. Nobody was saying anything to her face, but she saw all the stares and could hear them muttering. They were planning something, and she was certain it was connected to what Hermione was doing.
"If we all have to live in the same space, we might as well get to know each other," Hermione said.
"Brilliant, Hermione," Lily said. "Now they'll know exactly what to-"
"Knock it off, Gryffindor," Sae said. Lily clenched her jaw again, following the order. She knew she wasn't doing herself any favours. She didn't understand why she was feeling so angry.
"Maybe we should invite some of the others," Sae said after a very long, very awkward pause. "They keep staring over at us, anyway."
"What do you think, Elsie?" Hermione asked the girl next to her. Elsie was thinner than her other two sisters. Just looking at her made Lily feel bad, but she was positive Elsie was responsible for a large chunk of her misery during the last term.
All three of the girls had to be. How Hermione expected her to just forget that, Lily had no clue. It was already hard enough dealing with Sae.
"I think they're just nervous," Elsie said, sounding nervous herself.
"How many boys were sorted into Slytherin this year?" Hermione asked. "If we're going to go for it, might as well grab them all."
"No," Lily snapped. She offered no further explanation. She could hear Hermione drumming her fingers on the table in disappointment.
"Ran into Parkinson on my way here," Hermione said, slamming her book down on the library table as she sat next to Lily.
"I'm sure she was quite pleasant," Lily said. Hermione didn't respond, but her first quill snapped in her grip immediately upon digging it out from her bag.
"It was just the usual rubbish," Hermione said after far too long, her fingers drumming impatiently on the desk in front of her. Lily couldn't remember her ever doing that before. Lily asked no follow up questions. She was too focused on what was coming later today.
For their first week back, Snape pushed their meeting to further in the week, Lupin setting his for the day after. Now it was today, right after supper, and Lily was torn between attending and trying to run away from Hogwarts. Being locked in a room with Snape for Merlin-knows-how-long, after everything he did the last term, was the last thing she wanted to do.
Lily and Hermione sat together in irritated silence through the Arithmancy lecture, then walked down to the Great Hall. There, Lily left her; she didn't have much of an appetite. She figured skiving off the first one wouldn't be a good idea. There was a light flickering from underneath the door when she arrived. She took a deep breath and then knocked.
"Enter," Snape called from within. Lily didn't waste any time, and she pushed right on in, closing the door behind her.
"You're early," Snape said, still writing away at a scroll, just like always.
"I wanted to get it over with," Lily grumbled.
"Nevertheless, you will be punctual next week," Snape said. "I am not here to conform to your schedule, Potter. You will arrive at the decided time, and not a minute before or after. Do I make myself clear, or do I need to explain it you such that an infant could comprehend?"
"Yes, sir," Lily said through clenched teeth. There was an empty chair in front of Snape, but since it wasn't offered, she did not take it. She wouldn't give him the chance to reprimand her over something stupid. She stood there for what felt like ages before he finally stood.
He set quill and parchment to the side and then strolled over to his cabinet. He had a new container of some sort. It stood on its own little pedestal. He tapped his head with his wand and then drew out a long, silver, liquid thread, dumping it into the vessel. Lily stood there awkwardly, watching him do this a few more times before he finally set the object into the cabinet and locked the door.
"Sit," Snape said simply. Lily thought about refusing, but that was stupid. She sat in the hard, wooden chair, and Snape stood in front of her, looking smug. He whipped his wand in the air, aiming it straight at Lily's head. "You may draw your wand." She did so. "Occlumency is, traditionally, the method by which you defend against Legilimency. The Headmaster believes-"
"What's Legilimency?" Lily asked.
"Do not interrupt," Snape said slowly. "That is your only warning. Legilimency is the art, by which, you may see the memories and thoughts of another. I will do so to you. You must fight me off by any means you wish. The Headmaster believes that Occlumency will help you guard yourself against the dementors, as they force your worst memories to the forefront. You will learn to guard yourself from this intrusion so that you do not experience another episode. We will begin."
"But how do I-"
"Legilimens," Snape said without warning. Lily felt herself flinch, and then she was no longer standing in Snape's office.
She was laying next to the Lake, under their favourite tree, her head laying in Katie's lap. Katie reached down to stroke her hair, and she felt very comfortable. Then the scene switched, and she was sitting up in a tree, much smaller, with a monstrous dog barking up at her. Aunt Marge was laughing from the nearby table, refusing to call it off, and Lily's cries filled the air.
Please, stop, Lily thought.
And then, surprisingly, she was sitting in a chair, breathing hard, her body covered in sweat, and Professor Snape was lowering his wand.
"You must focus, Potter," he said. "You are not trying."
"I don't know what to do," Lily said angrily, "You didn't tell me anything, you just said to-"
"I told you to defend yourself by any means necessary," Snape said. "You are a witch. You have a wand. If you cannot manage a spell, then you must force the memory from your mind. Try again."
"Hold on, just-"
"Legilimens."
Lily was walking down the hallway from a meeting with Lupin, feeling much better about herself. Then her typewriter crashed from the ceiling, and she felt the pressure settle back on her chest.
Stop, she thought.
She was sitting in the Charms classroom, in first year, practicing the Levitation Charm with Ron. She tried to help him, and he said something awful to her. She tried not to let it get to her, but he said more as she walked behind him after class, and then the tears were coming, and she was running off to the fifth-floor bathroom.
Stop!
Lily was standing in front of an enchanted mirror, staring into its depths. She was much smaller as a first year. She hardly noticed in the last one. She was almost double her old size. She was taller, even, than the original, adult Lily, who was standing in the mirror with her husband, both of them smiling at their child. Younger Hazel reached out her hand, placing it on her mother's.
Lily was standing in a room lined with fire, standing in front of the mirror again, this time with Lord Voldemort at her back, attached to Quirrell's head. She thought she was going to die, and her parents were trying to convince her everything was going to be fine.
"We're so proud of you, Lily," her mother said. Tears were running down her face, the face that so matched her daughter's. Lily reached out a hand, her mother's was right there, she could almost touch it-
She was back in Snape's classroom, breathing hard again, her head throbbing.
"You stopped trying, Potter," Snape said with a smug look. "As much as I would love to continue touring your memories, there is not much use in continuing if you can't be bothered to force me out."
"I don't know how," Lily said, feeling like she was going to be sick.
"Figure it out," Snape said with a shrug, his wand going back to her face. "Legilimens."
She was eight, even smaller than she was as a first year. She was sitting at the table, trying to do some homework. It was very basic maths, but she was clearly struggling with it. Lily remembered always having trouble in the subject. It was always as if the numbers were swimming around the paper, always moving, and she could never get them to hold still long enough to focus.
She was also writing with her left hand, while she currently used her right. Lily could feel a pulsing pain, despite having no body, as if this was something she wasn't supposed to be seeing.
Petunia was fussing about at the stove, laying out pans and ingredients for Lily to use, turning on the burners. She was only ever given a single half hour to do all her assignments and studying. Anything else would be left unfinished, and her teachers would always scold her for being such a slacker. Lily could see the timer ticking away on the countertop; she had ten minutes left. Undoubtedly, Petunia would soon make her stop early. That happened a lot.
The vision became fuzzy for a moment, and when it stopped, five minutes were passed. Petunia walked over to where Lily was sitting, taking in a sharp breath when she saw what Lily was doing.
"You stupid girl," Petunia said, smacking her over the top of her hard. Lily just sat there, pencil set down, not daring to look up. "What have I told you?"
"Use my right hand," Lily whispered, so faintly she wasn't sure Petunia could hear her.
"Your mother would be disgusted by you," Petunia said, yanking her out of her seat by the hair. Lily didn't shout or cry out. She fought for only a moment, by pure instinct, then let Petunia haul her over to the stove.
"I'm sorry," Lily managed to get out. It was expected of her to say it, even though it never did anything to lessen her punishments.
"Little freaks like you don't get off so easily," Petunia said, moving a pan off of a burner. "Hold your palm out. The left one."
Lily her hand out, the appendage trembling, and shut her eyes, as if that would block out what was about to happen.
Petunia pressed the hand down onto the burner, and Lily let out a scream, her cries not doing a thing to ward off her Aunt. It was only a second, or perhaps two, and then there was a surge of light that passed through Lily, the stove shook, and then Petunia threw her to the ground.
"What did you do now, Lily?" she shrieked, pressing her own hand to the now cold burner.
"I'm s-s-sorry," Lily said between sobs, her left hand pressed protectively to her chest.
Lily didn't get to see what happened next. She was suddenly back in Snape's office, sweat dropping down her face, breathing hard, the phantom pain still searing across her hand, the tears stinging her eyes as they joined her perspiration.
She sat there for a long time, eyes pressed tightly together, not daring to move. She had no idea where that memory came from. It couldn't be hers. She would have remembered something like that. Her hand never bore that scar, it couldn't have been-
But she always healed quickly, didn't she? Every time, when she woke, whatever injury she had, what they had done to her, it would be gone, and she'd get punished for it.
How could she forget something like that?
"You have quite the imagination, Potter," Snape said, his voice shaking just quietly.
Lily shook her head. She felt like if she said anything, she'd be sick. It couldn't be real, but no matter how hard she tried to shove it back into her mind, tried to forget, it lingered.
"You may go," Snape said, his voice steadier now. "You will practice emptying your mind every night before bed, and you will return next week."
Lily nodded, still sitting.
"Go, Potter," Snape said.
Lily stood, eyes locked to the ground, and fled the room as quickly as she could, her mind still feeling hazy.
"Lily?" Hermione asked the next morning. "Did you hear me?"
"No," Lily said, still feeling a bit ill.
"I asked how your Occlumency lesson went," she repeated. "You went straight to bed, I didn't get the chance to-"
Lily shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut again. She wasn't going to elaborate any further.
"I got the notes you wanted," she said, producing them from her bag.
"Thanks," Lily mumbled, taking the large organizer from Hermione. She placed it next to her and then resumed staring at her food, as if that was how she'd eat it.
"Best to give it up, Mudblood," Pansy said as she passed by where they were sitting. "Heiry's a worthless case. It'll be a miracle if she-"
"That'll be a detention, Parkinson," Lily snapped, teeth still clenched. "Best keep your mouth shut. I can almost smell the rubbish you ate this morning."
"Lily," Hermione said carefully, placing a hand on one of hers. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine," Lily snapped again, standing up abruptly. "I'll see you in class."
"We're going to be late if we don't hurry, Lily," Hermione said. Lily kept shuffling her feet behind. She wasn't in the mood for hurrying, even if it was for Care of Magical Creatures. Hermione slowed down her pace to match, although she didn't seem happy about it. They spent the rest of the walk not speaking a word to each other.
"Good to have yeh back, Lily," Hagrid said happily. Lily stoked their fire, rolling over their lazy Salamander with a rather large stick. "Strange ter see Hermione in green, though."
"Still don't see why the bloody Hat wouldn't let us in," Ron said.
"Probably because your greatest ambition is to get a good night's sleep, Ronald," Hermione said.
"Hey, that's admirable enough, isn't it? I'd like to see you sleep well with the twins making noise all night."
"At least you have two Slytherins in the class now, Hagrid," Neville said. Lily poked the especially fat salamander. When Hagrid wrote to her, she imagined this class going a lot differently. She imagined being a lot more excited, listing off facts and tidbits in an exhausting manner.
Instead, she could hardly remember any of them. Staring at the fire in front of her made her left hand burn again. She tugged her glove off so she could look at the thing, stretching the fingers against the cold.
The skin was pale and white, just as it should be, without the trace of a scar. That made sense. Only magical wounds tended to leave scars on her. But it still worried her.
If she could forget something like that, without it leaving behind any sort of physical trace, what else did she forget? She thought the worst of it was just Petunia hitting her, reminding her that she was worth less than dirt. She thought she could learn to deal with that.
She didn't know if she could handle this. Lily put her glove on and moved closer to the fire, disappointed that no matter how much she stoked it, no matter how much the others laughed and told stories, she still felt so cold.
"How has your week gone?" Lupin asked as she sat across from him.
Lily just shook her head, refusing to answer.
"That bad?" Lupin asked. "Would you like to talk about?" They were both sitting in front of a roaring fireplace. Lupin looked tired, just like he always did. He had a smoking goblet on his desk that Lily was sure she recognized. She tried to focus back on Lupin in front of her.
Lily shook her head again. She wasn't sure she wanted to talk at all.
"We don't have to talk about what happened, Lily," Lupin said reassuringly. "I believe it was a mistake to force you into confronting it. I think it will do you good to talk about it, but only when you are ready. But you do need to talk about something."
Lily pointed towards the goblet. "Does Snape know you're a werewolf?"
"He does," Lupin said, following her gaze with a smile. "I assume you recognize the potion?"
"Wolfsbane," Lily said with a nod. "I read about it over the Holiday, in a book Neville gave me."
"Very clever of you," Lupin said. "You know, your mother was quite adept at Potions, herself. James was good, yes, but he relied more on me in that particular subject."
Lily tried to hide her disappointment.
"Professor?" she said hesitantly.
"Yes?"
"Can we not talk about my parents?" she asked.
"Does it bother you?"
"Yes," Lily said quickly. "I- it used to make me happier than- well, anything, really- but- I don't know. It doesn't. Not anymore."
Especially not after what she remembered. Snape made it clear before that all her suffering was due to being so unlike her parents, her mother. Now, she knew it was true.
Her mother was righthanded. She remembered that now. She stretched her fingers, the heat blazing through them again.
"Then you will hear no more about them from me, Hazel." Lupin said. Lily chose not to mention the name. She didn't know when it started but hearing the name from those who actually knew her parents just felt different. It just made her angry, sure they'd be disappointed in her. She wanted to tell Lupin this, but she knew what he'd say, and she couldn't bring herself to voice it.
She wished she'd cast a Cheering Charm before coming in here, even if they weren't doing anything anymore. She was sure she must look miserable.
"Hermione got sorted into Slytherin," Lily said instead. It felt too awkward to sit here in silence.
"I noticed," Lupin said. "How has she been doing?"
"I don't know," Lily said. She knew it wasn't fair to the girl, but they were hardly talking. Well, she was hardly talking.
"How are you feeling about it, Hazel?" Lupin asked.
"Guilty," Lily said before she could stop herself.
"Why is that?"
"I wish she hadn't done it," Lily said after a long pause. "I made up my mind, right before it happened, I was- I was going to ask the Hat to sort me back, like Dumbledore wanted."
"So, you feel like she's taken this from you?" Lupin asked. Lily nodded, staring down at her feet. It felt terrible to be saying it out loud.
"I hate myself," Lily said quietly. "I hate being like this."
"It's only natural, Hazel," Lupin said. "You have lived a very hard life and having the dementors so close in proximity is only exacerbating the circumstances. It is perfectly normal for you to feel so miserable, so long as you try not to take it out on others."
"But how come everybody else doesn't?" Lily said. "I look at all the Slytherins and they're all fine, they're all happy- Just today, with the Gryffindors, they were all laughing, they were smiling, but I- the only reason I haven't- haven't tried that again is because-"
Lily shut herself off.
"Go on, Hazel," Lupin said encouragingly. Lily suddenly felt very ashamed of herself, and she stared down at the ground, wringing her hands together.
"I've been using Cheering Charms," she admitted. "Since- since Christmas. It's the only way that I- I feel normal. But they aren't working anymore. I don't know what to do."
Lupin was silent for an agonizingly long time. She couldn't bring herself to look at him, to see him disappointed in her. It was stupid to do, she knew even before the first one, especially after what she did to her knee. When Lupin stood from his seat, she flinched back, certain he was going to admonish her in some way.
She could feel her hand burning again.
Instead, he wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her into a hug.
"The dementors are affecting everybody, Hazel," Lupin said. "We all pretend that we don't feel it, because we think admitting to it shows weakness. It does not. There is no shame in feeling like you need help. Even the best of us need a hand, on occasion, to get us back on our feet."
"But I always do," Lily said helplessly. "I- I tried to be strong, Professor, on the train, for- for everybody else. Hermione had me crying in seconds after we were- we were alone. I couldn't even make it back to Hogwarts before- before losing control again."
Lupin pulled back, staring straight into her eyes. She never noticed that his were green, just like hers. His face was lined and tired, but he still gave her the kindest smile he could manage.
"You have had an exceptionally hard life," he said. "And you are far stronger than you think you are." Lupin brushed away tears from her face. She felt ashamed, again. Ashamed to be crying in front of somebody that had seen her at her worst. Somebody that seemed to have her best interests in mind, but also somebody she'd never even heard of until months ago.
"Why didn't you try to help me?" she asked. "When I- after- after they died."
"I didn't know," Lupin said, pulling her into his chest again. "And I- I admit, I was- I was not in the best state. There are- certain factors that got in the way. When Dumbledore assured me that you were safe, I took him at his word, and I tried not to dwell on it. I did not think you would want me to contact you, nor did I know what to say if I did. I am sorry, Hazel. Your parents would have been disappointed in me."
Lily couldn't bring herself to ask any more questions. She just pulled herself tighter into him. She found she couldn't hate Lupin; not after everything he did for her.
Lily wandered the halls after the meeting concluded, trying to feel human again before wandering back down to the common room. Lupin made her promise not to use anymore Cheering Charms. She couldn't rely on them anymore.
She had another plan, but she wasn't sure if it would work, or even if she wanted it to. She made her way up to the seventh floor, heavy bag pressed tightly against her, as she made her way to the familiar tapestry or Barnabas the Barmy. She ran her hand over the smooth, plain wall, where she disappeared into months ago.
I need to be alone, she thought to herself. She closed her eyes, expecting it to be there when she opened them, but there was only stone to meet her.
Lily bit her lip. She could do this in Myrtle's bathroom, she supposed, but she really wanted it where there wouldn't be a chance of discovery.
She tried to remember what she was doing when it appeared and began retracing her footsteps back down the hallway. She was running this way, changed her mind, turned back, saw Lupin, and then turned back again, desperate for a way to be alone.
I need to be alone, she thought as she turned the last time. There wasn't any sign of movement. Just one moment it was a blank wall, and the next there was a door. Lily reached out hesitantly and opened it, greeted by the same sight as a month ago, complete with bed, desk, and facilities.
Lily shut the door. This was the last room she wanted to see. Immediately, the door vanished again. She turned back down the hall, wondering how far she could push this.
I need somewhere to brew potions.
This time, when she opened the door, it came out into a cold, windowless laboratory, similar to the ones down in the dungeons, brightly lit by some mysterious source. There were beakers and flasks, cauldrons and burners, and all sorts of instruments that Lily had no idea what to call.
It was lovely. It also meant there was absolutely no reason to haul her own cauldron all the way up here.
Lily wasn't sure if her potion would stay here, cooking, after she left, but it was a risk she was willing to take. If it failed, then she'd just give up. She probably would anyway. It was a very complicated potion.
It was just a wild idea, really. She read the section on Polyjuice Potion in one of her advanced texts and then found it incredibly difficult to sleep that night. On a whim, she purchased the ingredients, deciding she'd just give it a shot. She couldn't start it at the Burrow. Aside from needing to explain what she was up to if she did, it was a very long brewing process that absolutely could not be moved during any point. Fluxweed grew very quickly, but it needed to be plucked on a Full Moon and added to the already simmering brew immediately after. She still had a few weeks before then, but she just couldn't wait to get started.
It took three hours just to finish what she needed today. Most of that was sitting around and waiting while the beginning substance boiled. It needed a full 80 minutes before the leeches could be added, and then she had a full hour's worth of steps to complete before she could leave it to simmer for the next day. And that was a very strict 24 hours; she couldn't proceed a second before, although the steps were lenient on how long she could wait after. So long as she didn't wait more than four days, it would be fine.
Lily was careful as she snuck out of the room. It was now well past curfew. She only risked it this late because the Secret Chamber (as she took to calling it; completely different from the Chamber of Secrets) was very close to the shortcut she routinely took to the dungeon.
Lily proceeded slowly down the dusty stairs, wand lit, and came out into the cold dungeon halls. She wished she still had her Invisibility Cloak; if she was caught out after hours, it would mean the end of Captain Badge. She stopped short as she entered the next row of cells, trying to figure out if the sound she was hearing was hostile or friendly.
Somebody was crying. It echoed quietly through the abandoned corridors, coming somewhere, Lily guessed, from behind her, past the entryway she'd just come from. Before she could even consider ignoring it, she was already walking towards it, wand hanging loosely at her side. She kept walking until she came to a locked cell, normally empty, and then she leaned forward, letting her wand light illuminate the space within.
"Hermione?" she asked, surprised. "What are you doing in there?"
Hermione looked up, her legs tucked between her arms, and her face splotchy and red. She squinted into the light, raising one hand to block it, and then quickly crawled as far as the chain around her leg allowed, trying to reach Lily (who was casting a quick Unlocking Charm). She was saying something, but Lily could hardly hear it over the screeching of iron as she pulled the gate open. Lily hurried forward, unlocking the manacle while Hermione dug herself into her chest, sobbing with relief.
"What happened?" Lily asked. She could already feel her temper rising.
"M-Malfoy," Hermione managed. "He- th-they took my w-wand and- and-"
"Did Sae see?" Lily asked. Hermione shook her head. Lily pulled her tighter.
"When did it happen?" Lily asked coldly.
"R-right after d-dinner," Hermione said, "I- I tried to go to the- the c-common room and th-they-"
"Right," Lily said, pulling Hermione to her feet. "Well, let's go get that wand back, shall we?"
"What are you going to d-do, Lily?" Hermione asked desperately, clinging to her arm. She looked frantic and terrified. Lily swallowed down the lump in her throat.
This was her fault. Hermione switched Houses for her, despite the risk, and Lily couldn't even be bothered to make sure she was all right, couldn't even be bothered to be nice or talk to the girl, when she had been so excited, so happy, to be there for Lily. She fully expected something like this, although perhaps not this soon, and in her misery, she decided to just let it happen.
Even now, as she stared into Hermione's eyes, she realized that part of her wanted this. She wanted somebody else to feel bad for once, to feel just a modicum of what she had to go through.
Snape and Petunia were right about one thing. Her parents would be disgusted by her. They never would have let things get this far.
It was time to live up to her Gryffindor reputation.
"Something really stupid," Lily with a smile.
Lily let Hermione hang on to her only until they reached the common room. From there, she needed to appear strong, and she shook the other girl off. She allowed Hermione a brief moment to collect herself, to wipe off her face, before turning to face the entrance.
"Wolfsbane," she said, the wall sliding open to allow them access.
"Lily," Hermione said quietly as they walked in. "Let's just go to the dorm. Please. You don't have to-"
Lily homed in on the laughter. Malfoy was entertaining a large group of Slytherins, twirling Hermione's wand in his hand. Sae was nearby, with the triplets, looking madder than she'd ever seen. The Slytherins were forming a sort of block between her and Malfoy's gang. They let her go through, though, and Hermione stuck close by her. Lily saw Sae slip in behind them, although the triplets still got locked out.
"Don't do anything stupid, Gryffindor," Sae whispered.
"Oh, look," Malfoy said, laughing louder. "There's the Mudblood, now. I suppose you've come to bargain, Heiry?"
"No," Lily said calmly.
"Know your place, then?" Malfoy said with a sneer. "It's about time, I say. I suppose I could forgive it, just like I did the last time, although I think all three of you will have to-"
"I challenge you to a duel," Lily said. "Tonight, my terms."
"Name them," Malfoy said happily. Pansy scooted up closer to him, leaning her disgusting head on his shoulder.
"If I win," Lily continued. "I get Hermione's wand and yours."
"Why would I ever agree to that?" Malfoy said while those around them laughed at the absurdity.
"Because if you win," Lily said, "you'll get my wand. And I'll drop out of Hogwarts once the year is over."
That shut the Slytherins around them up, and Lily could tell Malfoy was seriously considering it. He'd just need another little push.
"Lily," Sae said, a hand grabbing her arm, "you can't, don't be stupid."
Lily glanced over at Hermione, who was looking at her with an expression Lily couldn't quite place. It was the first time she'd ever seen somebody look like that; torn between hope and despair. Lily gave her a smile, shook Sae off, and then turned back to Malfoy. It was time to live up to her promise.
"Wands only," she said. "No physical blows. We fight until all of one side is disarmed or incapacitated. I'll fight by myself. You can bring Crabbe, Goyle, and Parkinson."
The Slytherins started talking amongst themselves, and Sae gave her a look of horror. She didn't dare look at Hermione.
"Is she mad?" somebody asked.
"She's just stupid," somebody else said.
"Can't say I'm surprised. She's always been a bit full of herself, hasn't she?"
"Lily," Sae said, grabbing on to her arm one more time. "Have you completely lost your mind? What are you-"
"It's now or never, Malfoy," Lily said, wrenching herself free.
"All right," Malfoy said, his goons giving him a nod. He seemed positively delighted, and he tucked Hermione's wand into his robes. "Lead the way, Potter. You can have first strike."
Lily shoved her way back out of the crowd, walking straight towards the practice room. Malfoy and his team followed after, the rest of the crowd hurrying behind. Lily was glad Hermione and Sae fell too far behind to see how nervous she was. If she had to look at them, she might just throw up. When she stood in the middle of the room, with their entire House staring at her, she was starting to think this was a terrible idea, her mind racing for a way to back out. Then she found Hermione in the crowd, staring at her with that same expression.
She pulled her wand out, her hand a lot steadier, and turned to face Malfoy and his team. All of them were standing at the ready. Only Parkinson seemed nervous; she wasn't much of a spellcaster, and Lily already embarrassed her the last year. Lily included her only because she was certain the girl wouldn't have an effect on the match. She'd need that to stand a chance. Four against one wouldn't be easy, even if it was Malfoy.
"Not going to bow, Potter?" Malfoy said with a sneer. Lily spared him a glance, realizing that he'd come forward to show the proper protocol while she'd been hatching a plan.
"Not a chance," Lily said. She took her stance, just like Flitwick taught her, pleased that none of the other third years seemed to know how to stand. Crabbe and Goyle were still holding their wands at their sides, not even raising them. "You ready?"
"When you are," Malfoy said lazily, taking position back with his cronies. He, at least, took a stance, and tried to nudge his friends into following his lead. Lily took the distraction, turned her wand to face Crabbe, and whispered her first spell.
"Stupefy!"
The jet of red light flew across the room, hitting Crabbe in his stupid, fat face, and he fell to the ground, stunned cold. Lily ran for cover as the other three shot curses and jinxes at her, taking up position behind a training dummy. Their blows caused wood and padding to splinter off and fly across the room. The rest of the Slytherins started cheering and jeering, wanting a better show. Lily cast a quick Shield Charm on herself, hoping the three wouldn't be able to break it quickly, and then waited, biding her time. She risked a glance around the dummy, just for information.
Malfoy was standing in the center, holding strong, while his two companions started circling around, attempting to corner and pin her. Lily only had two seconds to decide which direction to take, and she chose to rid herself of Goyle first. He was the only one stupid enough to fall for the trick.
She sprinted straight ahead, and felt her Shield Charm bounce off Parkinson's spells, whatever they had been. Goyle, just as she wanted, chased after her, too stupid not to take the bait. She whirled quickly, aiming for the dummy, which he was now very close to.
"Confringo!"
The spark flew from her wand, and Goyle turned to watch it pass him.
"Missed, Heiry!" he shouted in that dull, thick tone of his.
She didn't get to see his expression when it made contact with the training dummy. The poor thing exploded, sending shrapnel of wood and wool flying in every direction, Goyle taking the good brunt of it, even as he raised his hands to protect his face. Parkinson shrieked, throwing herself on the ground to avoid her own, and Lily took the chance, aiming her wand at her before she could get back up.
"Expelliarmus!" she said, quickly sending another one Goyle's way, just in case he got back up. Both their wands flew from their hands, clattering somewhere on the stone in the room. Lily didn't dare look for them; she ducked behind another training dummy just before Malfoy's curse could hit her. It looked red and wiggly; she guessed Rictusempra. Not a very impressive spell, all things considered. She knew he had better up his sleeves.
"Get out here, Potter!" Malfoy shouted, sounding angry and, if possible, just a tad bit afraid. Good. Lily liked that. She flicked her wand to the side, towards the sound of his voice.
"Serpensortia!"
She didn't see the snake shoot from her wand, but she could hear it hit the floor, and she could hear the surprised gasps of the still watching crowd.
"Trap the blonde boy, if you can," Lily said loudly, speaking in Parseltongue. She could hear more grumblings and mutterings from those watching, as well as muttered groans and spells from Malfoy. She risked another peek, her heart pounding.
The snake was much bigger than she'd been hoping for. A large Boa was rapidly slithering towards Malfoy, who was almost in a dead sprint trying to get away from it, casting every single spell he could think of to ward it off and pushing and knocking away bystanders who happened to get in his way.
Lily left her cover and crouched on the stone, bad leg tucked under her. She aimed her wand forward, arm outstretched, and then cocked her other arm back to her chest, as if nocking an arrow.
"Sagittoro Glacia," she said quietly. And then she loosed.
A bolt shot from her wand, icy blue, and straight towards Malfoy it flew. It hit the floor right between his legs, and from the ground, ice erupted, enclosing Malfoy's lower body in its cold grip, twisting and wrapping around his arms and chest.
Malfoy panicked, his eyes widening in fear, as the great Boa reached him, and began to curl itself around his torso, pinning his hands and head from moving and locking him fully into place.
"Expelliarmus," Lily said in a shaky voice as she approached. His wand flew from his hand and, luckily, flew towards her. She snatched it out of the air, thankful that, the one time it mattered, she didn't completely bungle it.
"You'll pay for this, Heiry," Malfoy said as she approached.
"Make sure he can breathe, but don't let him move," Lily told the snake. She saw it tighten around him, saw Malfoy's fear enhance. She didn't enjoy it, but it was necessary. Malfoy needed to learn this lesson sooner or later.
They all did.
Lily tucked her wand back into its holster and held Malfoy's up in the air, letting the quiet crowd around them take in what had just happened. Quite a few faces were clearly pleased with the outcome but didn't want to be the ones to bring voice to it. Lily brought his wand down, bringing her other hand up to it.
And then she snapped his wand in half, the crowd gasping in shock, Parkinson screaming, and she tossed the ruined halves down onto the ice next to Malfoy.
"You had your chance," she told him as she approached. She reached one hand into his robes, under the snake, and pulled Hermione's wand out of his possession. "You agreed to this. You brought this unto yourself. You come after Hermione, or anybody, for that matter, again, and it'll be worse the next time."
Malfoy looked at her in horror, completely shocked into silence. She turned to address the suddenly excited crowd.
"Malfoy is nothing," she said loudly. "In case you've forgotten, I am the Heir of Slytherin, not him. Crabbe and Goyle are dirt. Parkinson is less than that. If they give you any problems, just come to me. If anybody is giving you problems, come to me. I don't care who they are, or what House they're in. Somebody thaw out Malfoy and take Goyle to the Hospital Wing. The snake will disappear eventually, you can leave it on him. Somebody will need to help him write home; he'll need a new wand. Quidditch tryouts are this Saturday, right after breakfast. Have a good night. Don't bother me."
Lily shoved her way out of the crowd, more people than she was comfortable with congratulating her and patting her on the back. She didn't feel good at all about this.
"That- that was-" Sae tried as Lily approached. "I don't know what that was, Potter, but- Merlin!"
Lily ignored her and pulled a teary-eyed Hermione into another tight hug.
"Thanks," Hermione whispered. She sounded on the verge of happy sobbing, even as the tears that were falling made Lily's neck wet.
"I'm leaving Hogwarts," Lily whispered into Hermione's bushy hair. "Will you still come with me?"
"Of course," Hermione said in the same volume. "I promised. I'll go with you, Lily, wherever you want."
Lily broke off the hug, gave Hermione a firm pat on the shoulder, and then placed her wand back in the rightful owner's hand.
"I need to be alone," Lily said with a tired smile, her voice sounding shaky and nervous with her decision made.
"We'll keep them off of you for one night, Potter," Sae said. "Don't think we can manage much more than that."
"Well, thanks, anyway," Lily said.
She walked off to the dorm, ignoring people trying to call for her or clap her on the back, and climbed up onto her bed, grabbing the first textbook she found in her trunk, and tried burying herself into it. Now that it was over, now that she knew for sure she was leaving, she found she couldn't stop shaking.