Lily didn't talk much during breakfast the next morning. Her friends seemed to understand, and they didn't bother her. Lily was surprised Sae joined them, let alone the triplets, but the five girls left her alone while they all ate, discussing other things. Lily noticed Hermione occasionally glance at her, likely hoping she'd include herself in the conversation, but that was the most attention she got. She could tell the rest of Slytherin was whispering about her, based on the glances she kept getting. Some were even smiling at her, which she found unsettling.
Of course, three people absolutely refused to look in her direction. Crabbe, Goyle, and Parkinson were all sitting at the corner, a wide berth around them. Where Malfoy was, Lily had no idea. She suspected he wouldn't be coming to today's classes. That made the pit in her stomach feel worse. She shoveled food down her throat to try and fill it.
She was right. Malfoy didn't show up at all during Defense Against the Dark Arts. Lily kept staring at his empty seat, between Crabbe and Goyle, unable to listen to Lupin's lecture. She noticed the Professor kept looking hopefully in her direction every time he asked a question. She was thankful Hermione kept answering them for her. She fled the classroom just as soon as the bell rang, trying to avoid Lupin holding her back.
He didn't show up for History of Magic, either, nor Astronomy late at night, even though those didn't involve magic. Lily returned to the dark common room afterwards, Hermione trying to talk to her, and went straight to sleep.
She couldn't avoid it anymore during breakfast; she'd have to be feeling slightly normal for the upcoming Quidditch trials. When Hermione asked her a question, she finally responded.
"Did you sleep all right?" Hermione asked hopefully.
"Well enough," Lily said with a shrug.
"Thank Merlin, she's talking," Sae said. She was already wearing the green robes of the Quidditch team, her broom leaning on the bench beside her. Lily's broom was drawing quite a few stares. She was surprised nobody approached her about it yet.
"Don't ruin it," Lily said, taking a bite of egg.
"Blimey, Lily," Sae continued, "if you were going to regret dueling Malfoy so much, then you shouldn't have done it."
"I had to," Lily said, trying not to look at Hermione.
"You shouldn't have broken his wand," Hermione said. Sae scoffed at that.
"Had it coming, you ask me," she said. "'Sides, that should keep him off us for the foreseeable future."
"They might expel her, Sae," Hermione said.
"Fat chance," Sae said. "Worse they'd do is suspension, and I doubt she'd get anything at all."
"But-"
"Sae's right," Lily said, finishing off her last bite of toast. "Snape never punished any of them for what they did to me in the common room, he won't do a thing about this."
"Wait," Sae said, "if you agree with me, then what have you been moping about?"
Lily shrugged. "Didn't enjoy it much. Didn't feel good."
"I'm sure you'll be looking back on it fondly once Malfoy starts up again," Sae said. "Course, it'll be harder for him, now."
"How come?" Lily asked.
"Lily, you embarrassed him in front of the entire House," Sae said. "Hell, you won four to one. I don't reckon the fifth years could have managed that much."
"They were only third years," Lily mumbled.
"And so are you!" Sae pointed out. "Confringo is NEWT level, Lily, we don't cover it until sixth year, and I don't even know what that last spell was."
"And that wasn't even the best she had," Hermione said excitedly. "Flitwick taught her to reflect things last year, and-"
"Arrow Charm," Lily said, starting to feel a bit better (if a little embarrassed). "Learned it from the book Hermione got me over the summer." Lily's eyes flickered upwards, her face blushing a bit more from the radiant smile Hermione was giving her.
"Why was it so icy?" Sae asked.
"Added a modifier," Lily said. "Wish I knew it last year. Would have really helped against the Basilisk. Glacius worked well enough, but it needs a lot of water to already be there, and I can't use it at range."
"It's no wonder half the older students wanted to practice with you," Sae said. "Hermione and I fended them off all day, saying you knew enough as it was, but-"
"Okay, I get it," Lily said. "I guess that explains why none of them will stop staring at me."
"Just wait until the rest of the school hears about this!" Sae said, gesturing to the other tables. "Blimey, you'll be-"
"This stays in Slytherin," Lily said, shaking her head.
"Potter-"
"You heard me," Lily said. "And, those of you listening, you heard me, too. It stays in Slytherin."
Lily glanced around the table, noticing quite a few people looking away from their direction.
"I don't know how long it can be contained, at this point," Sae said. "But, sure, Potter, I won't tell anybody, if that's what you want."
"Good," Lily said, standing. "Now let's get to those tryouts, shall we?"
Lily and Sae walked down early (Hermione coming with them) so they could finish getting set up before the hopefuls arrived. Lily wouldn't have expected anybody at all, but she did see a dozen brooms at the breakfast table before leaving. That was enough to form something, even if their team was complete rubbish. Lily just hoped they'd do better than the Chudley Cannons. The "pro" team went 720-0 in their most recent game.
She was surprised to see Pucey waiting on the pitch, wearing his robes, his broom sitting across his lap. He hopped up as the two girls approached (Hermione left to watch in the stands).
"All right, Pucey?" Lily asked as he jogged towards them.
"Asari is on the team, then?" Pucey asked, nodding towards her.
"Got a problem with that?" Sae said. Lily was surprised she sounded so aggressive.
"Not a bit," Pucey said. "Listen, Potter, can I talk with you for a second?"
"Do some stretches, Sae," Lily said as she walked off with him. Pucey led her just a few metres away, where Sae wouldn't be able to hear them, and then he leaned in closer.
"Listen," he said again, "I'm sorry about the last practice. If you want me off the team, just say so, and I'll resign right away."
Lily blinked in surprise. "Why would I want that?"
"I left you there, same as the others," Pucey said. "Snape didn't boot me off because I argued, but I should have done more."
"Is that why you refused the captaincy?" Lily asked.
"That's right," Pucey said. "I didn't deserve it. I thought it'd make things easier if you had it."
"Well, thanks, I guess," Lily said, scratching the back of her head awkwardly. "Do you know what happened to my broom?"
"Flew into the Whomping Willow," Pucey said. "I thought you knew that."
"I had a suspicion," Lily said. "Thanks for gathering the wreckage, at least."
"I didn't do a thing," Pucey said. He ran a hand through his short-cropped hair. "Went and sat in the Great Hall, hoping you'd come in."
Lily blinked in surprise. She just assumed he'd been the one. But if it wasn't him, who was it? Duke was smart, she could tell that much (even though she hadn't seen him since), but he couldn't be that smart.
"You argued for me," Lily said, trying to distract herself. "You weren't in on it. That's enough, for now."
"Sure," Pucey said.
"Sorry for breaking your broom last year," Lily said.
"You've suffered enough for it," Pucey said. "Wasn't my broom, anyway, Malfoy's the one who paid for it. He loved to remind us that if we were removed from the team, the broom would go to someone else."
"I noticed you're not flying the 2001 anymore," Lily said, gesturing to the Cleansweep he was holding.
"Malfoy took it back the instant he learned you were Captain," Pucey said. "Shouldn't be too bad, though. It's the newest model. Can't compete with the 2001, but should be all right."
"Hopefully we get some decent brooms today," Lily said. She started walking back towards Sae, and Pucey joined her.
"I'm sure one of the hundred will have a good one," Pucey said. Lily scoffed at that.
"We'll be lucky to get a full team, Pucey," she said. Pucey started laughing, and Lily turned to look at him with an eyebrow raised.
"Potter," he said, pointing towards the castle, "just look."
Lily followed his finger, and her stomach dropped when she saw the river of students, all wearing green, pouring from the mouth of the castle, heading straight for the pitch. It certainly wasn't a hundred, but it was at least five times what she'd been expecting.
"This is going to be a nightmare," Lily said as they grew near.
"This is going to take all day," Sae said with a groan, laying flat on the ground.
They were both right, although Lily more so. It took two full days, the entirety of their Saturday and Sunday. At least a dozen of them had been first years, and while Lily didn't want to discriminate (especially since she started as one), she sent them all back to the castle straight away. She just really didn't want to spend the extra time on them.
Afterwards, the day was spent narrowing down the field of candidates, running them through drills, and getting to know some of them.
Mia Alderton was a fourth-year half-blood girl with very good reflexes, but a terrible broom. She also had a laugh that could carry all the way across the field, and a sense of humour that Lily loved. Lily put her on Keeper and sent out an order for a Cleansweep.
"I'll make sure to thank you later," she said with a wink, setting Lily's heart racing. She felt like she needed to apologize to Katie, even if it meant absolutely nothing, and changed the order to a Nimbus.
Mariam McClivert, a second-year girl who Sae constantly got into rows with, was picked solely because she was by far the best flyer of the bunch. Not a single bludger managed to hit her, and when her feints managed to fool even Mia, Lily know she had a winner. Lily put her in the last Chaser position.
"Wish you'd pick someone else," Sae grumbled as they trudged off the muddy field.
"Don't listen to her, Potter," Mariam said loudly. "She just knows she can't compete with my-"
"With your incessant nagging, yes," Sae said. "Really, Lily, I think this is a huge mistake."
Connor Creswell was a big, bulky fifth year that Lily picked solely as a favour to his three sisters. He was nice enough, sure, and a decent flyer at that. And he was fairly accurate with a bat, Lily had to give him that. There were probably better picks, but he was far nicer than the other candidates, and she wanted somebody she could trust. She gave him one of the Beater slots.
"Thanks for looking out for them, by the way," he said quietly in the common room after the first night. "Really, it's been a nightmare for me, worrying about them all the time, but I can't get in there to make sure they're all right, you know?"
"It's no problem, really," Lily said awkwardly. She didn't point out that it was all Hermione's idea, and that she'd hardly said a word to them.
Charlie Ross was another fifth-year boy, this one a Prefect, too. He was a better flyer and shot than Connor, but he was also far grumpier. When he talked at all, it almost always sounded mean, even if he didn't intend it that way. Lily picked him because he was the only one of their Prefects that wasn't nasty to her, and she'd never forget that. She gave him the other Beater slot.
"Thanks," he said simply, shaking her hand when she told him, and that was the end of their conversation.
"Right," Lily said when they were all assembled on Sunday evening, "Well, we'll start practicing on Wednesday and Sunday evenings, and-"
"I thought we practiced on the weekends," Mariam said bossily.
"Why don't you let her finish?" Sae said. "This is why you never-"
"Enough of that," Lily said sharply. "Interrupt me again, either of you, and it'll be a detention."
"I'd never interrupt you, Lily," Mia said sweetly. Lily noticed she had her brown hair tied back in the exact same way she carried her own, tie placed in the exact same place.
Normal thoughts, Lily, she thought.
"We'll be practicing on Wednesday and Sunday, right after supper," Lily continued, ignoring the warm feeling. "We were practicing on the weekend, but the other teams have snatched up those slots. We lost our old bookings when Montague got relieved of duty."
"And whose fault is that?" Mariam said.
"McClivert, would you just-"
"All right," Lily said, "both of you, I want ten laps around the field. If you've got the energy to talk, you've got enough to run. Get going."
The two girls kept arguing as they ran off, although this time it was over whose fault it was.
"Speaking of running," Pucey said, "you still want us doing Montague's shite?"
"Yes," Lily said, "Although nowhere near as much, and it'll mostly be optional. I'll be in the training room every night, doing some of my own, and you're all welcome to join me. You're required to once a week, but it's your choice beyond that."
"What day?" Charlie asked.
"Whatever day you want," Lily said, "but if I haven't seen you by Saturday, I'll hunt you down myself."
"I'll be there!" Mia piped up. "Every day!"
"Don't tire yourself out too much," Lily said, shaking her head. "I don't want you lot falling off your brooms during our first match. Just do what you can handle, and make sure you get plenty of rest. Any other questions?"
"No," they all said.
"Then you can go," Lily said. She had to wave off any further conversations with Mia, and then she stayed to watch Mariam and Sae finish their laps, still snipping at each other every step of the way. She sat down on the muddy grass, wiping sweat from her forehead, and didn't notice Hermione sit down next to her until the other girl put her head on her shoulder.
"Tired?" she asked.
"Very," Lily said with a sigh. She leaned her head against Hermione's, rubbing at her screaming knee.
"I noticed your leg shaking earlier," Hermione said. "Do you need me to fetch Pomfrey?"
"No," Lily said. "I've got my cane on me. I'll stumble my way up to the Hospital Wing just as soon as these two are done."
"I'll go with you," Hermione said. Lily didn't argue, since it wasn't an offer.
Malfoy didn't reappear until Monday morning, when he was already seated in Potions when Lily and Hermione arrived.
"You are not trying, Potter," Snape said coldly as he lowered his wand. "You are letting me see far too much."
"I'm doing the best I can," Lily said through grit teeth. She wiped the sweat from her aching head again. "If you'd just give me more than a second to-"
"Legilimens," Snape said, plunging her back into her nightmares.
She was hiding in a flower bed, the summer sun blazing down on top of her. Hiding was the wrong word, really; she was forced out of the house. Vernon was entertaining guests, some important clients from his work. She was to be neither seen nor heard, and they couldn't trust her in her cupboard. She couldn't think of where else to go, so she chose Petunia's bushes. She could hear them all laughing inside, from the open window, and smell the delicious food they were eating. She was starving. Petunia fed her only a single sandwich, in the early hours of the morning, which contained only bits of lettuce. She wasn't even given a glass of water to go with it, and she didn't dare go for the hose. Petunia would see, with her vulture neck, and the results wouldn't be good.
She was running through the school halls, her tiny legs pumping as quickly as they could, Dudley and his gang shouting after her. A nearby door flew open in her panic, and she ducked inside. She waited inside the dark closet until the sounds stopped, replaced with different noises, and then she left it, coming out into a completely different building full of men and women in business suits. She cried.
She was stuck in darkness, staring up at a ceiling full of spiders. She was too hungry to move, but she really didn't want them falling on her. She'd always begged her Aunt and Uncle to get rid of them, but they never even tried. Aunt Petunia called for her son from the kitchen, and the fat boy's eager steps caused the arachnids to fall, coming straight down for-
"Stop!" Lily shouted, her breathing coming in ragged gasps.
"Better," Snape said. "It only took you ten minutes to force me out this time. We shall try again. Remember that feeling, Potter, and you might just manage it in five."
"I don't-"
"Legilimens."
Lily was sitting in an office, flanked by an extremely angry Aunt and Uncle on either side of her. At the desk in front of them was the Headmistress of her old primary school, wearing a deep scowl.
"I'm afraid it's unavoidable, at this stage," she said. "She put two of the girls in the hospital."
"Surely there's something that can be done about it?" Vernon asked desperately. The ten-year-old Lily shrank further down into her seat.
"You can appeal the expulsion at the local council," the Headmistress said, shuffling some papers around. "But, I'm afraid the decision is final."
The memory lifted, Lily screaming as she kicked backwards, her chair falling over and her head hitting the hard stone below, worsening the splitting pain deep inside her cranium.
"I cannot say I am surprised," Snape said dryly. "Expulsion seems rather fitting for you."
"Shut up," Lily grumbled as she rolled out of her chair. She shut her eyes tight, certain that she was going to be sick.
"What is it you did?" Snape said.
"I don't know," Lily answered honestly. She couldn't remember doing anything wrong at all, but her last year with the Dursleys was one big haze, although bits and pieces were beginning to come back to her, with the constant probing of her mind.
Two girls in the hospital, she remembered.
What did she do?
"Stand up," Snape ordered. "We will go again."
"I'm fine," Lily snapped over breakfast, "so why don't you stop asking?"
"No need to bite her head off, Gryffindor," Sae said waspishly. "She was just trying to-"
"Be as nosey as ever," Lily said harshly, stabbing down at her plate. "I don't need somebody constantly badgering me.
"I'm just trying to help," Hermione said quietly. Lily didn't glance up at her, but she was sure the girl was near tears, and she felt very ashamed of herself.
"Sorry," she said as she stood abruptly, slinging her bag over her head. "I'll see you in class."
"Where do you think you're going?" Sae asked.
"None of your business," Lily snapped.
She ran up the stairs as quickly as she could, ignoring everybody that tried to greet her, not even stopping to greet a happy Katie Bell.
"I need to talk to you," Lily said, staring at her feet when Lupin finally opened his office door. Her hands tugged at the strap of her bag nervously.
"Hazel?" Lupin said. "I believe our session isn't until later tonight."
"It's important," Lily said, her voice breaking. The silence that followed was agonizingly long. "Please."
"Come in," Lupin said. She hurried past him, seating herself in her usual place next to the fireplace. Lupin didn't have one going already, but he fussed at it, and there was soon one roaring. He sat down next to her, and she noticed how pale and sickly he looked.
"I'm sorry," she said, trying to stand and leave, "I shouldn't have-"
"Sit," he insisted with a kind smile. "It's just the aftereffects, I'm actually starting to feel much better."
"I can't do Occlumency anymore," Lily said hopelessly, burying her face in her hands as she sat down. "I can't, it's- it's awful- and I feel- I feel just like I did before, Professor, and it hasn't even been two full weeks since- since we got back."
Lupin leaned forward, placing a hand on her shaking knee. "It is only natural to be doing so badly so soon after a session, Hazel. What's brought this on?"
"Hermione," Lily said quickly, "I- I snapped at her, just this morning, just for trying to help and- and- I- I-"
"Slow down, Hazel," Lupin said. "Deep breaths."
Lily did as he said, the air coming into her lungs with a rattling sensation, squeezing her eyes tight so she wouldn't have to look at this disapproving stare.
"Tell me about your Occlumency sessions," Lupin said. She could hear him sit in the nearby seat.
"I can't," Lily said quietly. She could feel a few tears escape.
"Humour me," Lupin said. "Tell me what you can, even if you can't do specifics."
"I- I don't- I keep remembering things," Lily said anxiously, her hands wringing together. "Things that I- they don't feel real, they're like- like-"
"Like they're happening to somebody else?" Lupin prodded.
Lily nodded.
"How long have you been forgetting things?" Lupin asked.
"I don't know!" Lily said. She stood from her seat, her legs carrying her in a furious pace, just so she could burn off some energy. "I- I don't know! I thought I knew about- about everything that h-happened, but- but-"
"But what, Hazel?" Lupin asked.
"But it keeps getting worse!" Lily said. "I- I can't keep doing this, Professor, I can't."
Lily ran her hands through her hair but continued to pace, the fingers on her left hand flexing compulsively.
"I cannot get you out of your Occlumency lessons, Hazel," Lupin said calmly. "But if you talk to me about the memories that are resurfacing, I believe I can try to help you process them."
"I can't!" Lily shouted. "Why don't you understand? I can't talk about it, because- because that would make them real!"
"They are real, Hazel," Lupin said, not flinching away, even as her outbursts turned towards him. "These things did happen to you, as much as you may wish they didn't. Ignoring them will only make it worse as more resurface."
"They can't be real, Professor," Lily begged, slumping back down into her seat, head going back to buried between her hands. "I can't take anymore. I can't."
"You have already taken them," Lupin said. "These are just fragments of pain, Hazel, and if you don't face them, then when faced with the dementors, you will fail again. It is time to be brave. What was the first memory that came back to you?"
Lily flexed her fingers again. She could feel them burning.
"I can't," she said, her shoulders slumping. "I'm not strong enough. I just want to forget."
"You came to me for help, Hazel," Lupin said gently, placing a hand on her knee. "I am trying, but this can only work if you're willing to talk."
"Then maybe we should give up," Lily said.
"I am not giving up on you," Lupin said. "I will speak to Professor Snape on your behalf, work up a better way for you to learn Occlumency. I have an idea we can try, that may eliminate the need for them, but I will need to father the materials first. For now, I would like you to take the rest of the day off. I will speak with your professors. Spend the day how you'd like. Take a walk, go flying, read, whatever you'd like. Don't try to do any homework, don't study. Just relax. Can you do that for me?"
Lily nodded her consent, not taking her eyes off the floor.
"You are stronger than you think you are, Hazel," Lupin said. "You've proven it time and time again. You just need to find that courage to take the next step. Things do get better. I promise you."
"Thanks, Professor," Lily said blankly as she stood.
Lily didn't know what to do with herself. Her mind felt hazy and distant to her, like she wasn't thinking about anything at all. She was just walking, moving, not saying anything to anybody that approached her.
How long she kept walking, what places she visited, she had no idea. The next thing she knew, she was sitting against the stone wall of the Astronomy Tower balcony, her face buried between her knees. Her cheeks were wet and frozen, so cold that it hurt to move.
The sun was already down, not even a sliver of light left to beam down on her. She had no idea what time it was, but she was sure Lupin would have come for her if it was after curfew. She couldn't see the moon, or even the stars; too many clouds.
Lily wondered how long she had until the next class started. She wouldn't want to be caught up here when it did.
"Lily?" Katie called gently as she approached. Lily glanced over towards her. She never heard her come up.
Katie slid down to the ground next to her, smiling brightly at her and running a hand over her still-wet cheeks.
"You're freezing!" she said. "How long have you been up here?"
Lily shrugged. She didn't really want to be talking to Katie right now. She was avoiding the girl and all the uncomfortable feelings came with her.
But it was hard to ignore how quickly her heart beat when Katie touched her, how much warmer she immediately felt just by sitting at her side.
"It's all right, Lily," Katie said, putting an arm around Lily's shoulders.
"What are you doing up here?" Lily asked, managing to find her voice (and the strength to wipe off her face).
"I come up here every day," Katie said, "just like I promised."
"Sorry," Lily said.
"Don't be," Katie said, pulling Lily closer. "I like it up here. What are you doing up here?"
"I don't know," Lily admitted. "Just sitting, I guess."
"Do you mind if I sit with you?"
"You already are."
"You look really pretty with your earring back, Lily," Katie said, taking the fresh one between two fingers and playing with it. "Course, you're always pretty."
"Thanks," Lily said nervously, trying very hard not to stare into Katie's eyes. "Err- you're pretty, too."
"Hogsmeade is this weekend," Katie said. "Want to go with me?"
"I don't know," Lily said.
"It'll be just the two of us," Katie said, running her hand gently over one of Lily's and then interlocking their fingers. "There's something I wanted to ask you, and that seemed like the right place to do it."
Lily looked at Katie, surprised to see that the girl was blushing and staring off into the dark sky. She didn't know if she could do this. Her brain was telling her it was wrong, was pounding as whatever memory wanted out crashed against the barrier of her mind.
"All right," Lily said. Lupin said it was time to be strong.
She would try, for his sake and hers.
"Then it's a date," Katie said with a smile.
"Have you been waiting long?" Katie asked as she hurried forward, slightly out of breath.
"I live in the dungeons," Lily said. "It takes me twenty seconds to get here."
"So, yes?" Katie asked. The two girls hurried over to Filch, who was checking his clipboard against those who were allowed into Hogsmeade, waving students off one by one.
"No," Lily said. "I left it thirty seconds ago."
"Where's Hermione?" Katie asked, leaning over and checking around. "Not following you around today?"
"You said 'just the two of us'," Lily said. "She already left with Lavender and Parvati." She double checked her robe, just to make sure she had Katie's gift. She stayed up all night working on it, even though doing so made her feel stupid.
This isn't going to go how you want it to, Lily thought sadly.
"Why do all the Slytherins keep approaching you?" Katie asked hours later. She sounded frustrated. She huffed every single time they were interrupted by one, even though Lily sent them off as quickly as she could.
"No reason," Lily lied. She found it just as annoying; there were hundreds of people in this bustling little village, and they wouldn't stop bothering her on the one day she needed privacy.
"Want to go find somewhere more- err- private?" Katie asked, brushing aside a lock of her hair, her fingers daring to brush past Lily's.
"Where?" Lily said. "Most of the school is here."
"I know just the place," Katie said, taking Lily's hand more confidently, and pulling her down the busy, snowy streets of Hogsmeade.
"The Shrieking Shack?" Lily asked finally. "Really?"
"Take a look around, Potter!" Katie said, finally letting go of her hand, and spreading her arms to the open air. "Not a person in sight, is there?"
"I thought everybody came here," Lily said. Katie was right, though; there wasn't a single person around to disturb the fresh snow.
"Nobody ever comes this time of year," Katie said. "Too bloody cold out, and too far from the village. They'll stay at the pubs and shops, instead. You can trust me on that."
Lily glanced back down the path, just to make sure, and then a snowball hit her hard on the back of the head.
"Oh, that's it," Lily said, running forward and tackling the laughing Katie into the white fluff. They rolled, both attempting to pin the other, but Lily was larger, and she ended up on top, shoving snow into the other girl's face with one hand, the other holding Katie firmly down.
"Lily-" Katie said through the stuff and her laughs, "Stop- you win- stop-"
Lily hesitated, and Katie took her chance, heaving off the ground and forcing Lily into a pin.
"Much better," she said taking, the moment to catch her breath, her face a bright red.
"Get off," Lily said, struggling weakly. Katie had her legs pinned, and she didn't have enough lower body strength to get out without hurting herself.
"Oh, what's this?" Katie said, breaking a piece of ice off a nearby bush. "Oh, I wonder where this is going!"
"Katie, wait, don't-"
"Should have thought of that before you shoved snow in my face, Potter," Katie said, smiling, and sliding the chunk of ice down the neckline of Lily's robe.
"Ah!" Lily shouted, squirming, "Katie, stop- I don't want- Ah!"
The ice slid fully down into her robe, beneath her shirt and waistcoat, and only then did Katie roll off, laughing, while Lily shot up, hopping in place, trying to dislodge the ice from her chest. She had to untuck her shirt to manage it, but it finally slid out the bottom of her robe.
"You're a right prick, you know that?" Lily said.
"I think it was you that held me down first, Potter," Katie said. She was still sitting in the snow, her cheeks flushed, her breath forming a mist in front of her. Lily couldn't stand the sight.
You can do this, Lily told herself, trying to be confident. Her head was pounding. She flexed her fingers to try and distract herself from the pain.
"You started it," she said, leaning against the fencepost so she wouldn't have to bear it any longer. The Shack was just as run down as it was the last time, although she could have sworn she saw a shadow move in one of the windows. She chose not to mention that to Katie. The corner of the Lake poked around in the distance, a brief gap in the heavy woods allowing it to be seen.
"Couldn't help myself," Katie said, leaning on the fence next to her. Their shoulders were touching. Lily ignored the urge to move away. Katie seemed to take that as permission to lean her head against Lily's shoulder.
The two girls stared at the dilapidated manor for a long time, both breathing deeply. Lily couldn't bring herself to look over. She brought her scarf over her face, wrapping it snugger. It was far colder than it should be, she felt like.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" Katie said, pointing ahead at the building. "In an eerie sort of way, I mean."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Well, doesn't it make you think?" Katie asked. "About what it looked like before, I mean."
"Like a really big house, I imagine," Lily said.
"Well, I like it," Katie said with an offended sniff. "I come here at least once every trip, just to look. If I could draw half as well as you, I'd probably have a full sketchbook of it." That was a good segue for what Lily really wanted to talk about.
"Here," Lily said, digging the parchment out of her robe. It was a few days later than Lily wanted, but it would do. Katie took it with a raised eyebrow and unfolded it. She stared at it for a long time, holding it in both hands, and Lily busied herself by staring at the roof of the Shrieking Shack.
"Lily, this is wonderful," Katie finally said. "How- when did you-"
"Started it on Tuesday," Lily said, picking at the aged wood on the fence with her glove. "I- err- added to it later."
"You look so comfortable," Katie said, leaning in to share the artwork with Lily.
It had started just as a simple portrait of Katie, but she scrapped it soon after, starting on something much better. Katie was reclining on the couch, holding a book in one hand, her other stroking the hair of a sleeping girl in her lap. Occasionally, she would reach up and flip the page, her hand coming back down to rest on Lily's face. Lily's chest rose and fell with each slow breath she took while sleeping, and the light flickered over both of them from the unseen fireplace. There was snow falling against the window in the background, which her cat was sitting in front of, his tail hanging down, swishing back and forth as he watched something out of their view. The room looked suspiciously like the Burrow, but Lily just drew from what she knew best.
"You really like it?" Lily asked, risking a peek at Katie's wonderful smile. She didn't want to admit how many drafts she discarded before she deemed it ready. She put more effort than anything else into it, wanting it to be absolutely perfect. Hermione had been annoyed that she spent so much time drawing when they really needed to be studying.
"I love it," Katie said. Lily cleared her throat, just to rid herself of the sudden emotion. No matter how often somebody said it, she never got used to it.
"I thought about framing it for you," she said, "but I- err- didn't know if you'd want to keep it."
"You're really giving it to me?" Katie asked, looking at the drawing in wonder.
"It's a thank you," Lily said quietly.
"For what?" Katie asked.
"For being there," Lily said awkwardly.
The paper almost slipped from Katie's hand while they looked at each other. The other girl caught it just in time, and stowed it away safely in her robes, smiling widely and leaning back in so their heads were close. Lily found herself shivering, despite how warm she was feeling, and Katie wrapped her right arm around her shoulder, pulling her in closer.
"You know, Potter," Katie in a whisper, brushing Lily's face with her gloved left hand. "I think you've got some snow in your hair."
"And whose fault is that?" Lily asked, her voice barely louder than a breath.
Katie pulled her face forward, bringing her own in closer, and Lily closed her eyes on instinct, a brief moment of panic coming over her, as she didn't know what to do, and then their lips were pressed together, and Lily breathed in deeply, enjoying the warmth of their bodies pressed so closely, enjoying the smell of Katie's perfume.
And then, just like that, the blissful second passed, the panic taking over, a sense of cold fear permeating through Lily's body as the memory pushed closer to the surface.
There was a girl, around ten or eleven, smiling as she sat together with Lily on her bed, leaning in briefly to kiss Lily.
Lily pushed it back in and pushed Katie away. She wasn't ready. Whatever happened next, whatever she forgot, she wasn't ready to see it yet.
She couldn't be what Katie wanted her to be, what she wanted to be.
"Lily?" Katie asked, her voice breaking slightly, the smile vanishing from her lips.
"I'm sorry, Katie," Lily said, shaking her head quickly. "I- I thought I could but- I can't. I'm not- I'm not-"
"Oh," Katie said. "I- I'm sorry. I thought- Sorry. I'll- I'll just be going, then."
Lily leaned against the fence, hanging her head in shame as she listened to Katie walk away, the other girl sniffing as she began to cry.