The lights clicked on in the middle of the night, startling Lily from her comfortable sleep. Groans came from around the room, some shouting obscenities, all of which shut themselves off when the voice of Severus Snape echoed from the entrance of the room.
"All of you, up," he barked. "Potter! Come with me, immediately. The rest of you, follow your Prefects and report to the Great Hall. You'll spend the rest of your night there. Hurry up, Potter, the Headmaster requires your presence."
Lily rubbed at her eyes, waved sleepily at Hermione, and then hopped down from her bed. Just looking at the Potion Master got her feeling angry again, which, in turn, woke her up faster than she normally would have. She stormed towards him in her fuzzy pink slippers and robe, wishing she'd chosen sleeping apparel that appeared a tad more intimidating.
"I want to know what-"
"Silence, Potter," Snape hissed, his nails digging into her arm as he began hauling her forward.
Lily shook herself free. "You were friends with my-"
"I said silence," Snape repeated. "I will not hear your insipid little worries at this time, nor any time. You will keep your thoughts to yourself. I believe that is the point of all our practicing, is it not?"
Snape led her through the common room, straight past a few confused and sleepy looking students, and out into the dungeons. Lily spent that entire time grinding her teeth and doing her best not to throw every nasty curse she could think of at the back of her Head of House. He took her to her usual shortcut to the seventh floor, which surprised her a bit; she didn't realize any staff knew about it. She'd have to adjust her traversals accordingly.
When they entered the cluttered office, she was surprised to see Ron already sitting in front of him, McGonagall standing sternly behind him. Ron perked up at her entrance, looking very relieved.
"I have brought her, Headmaster," Snape said, although it was obvious.
"Thank you, Severus," Dumbledore said. "Minerva, if you and Severus would take control of the students in the Great Hall, I will speak with these two privately."
McGonagall nodded, and then left with Snape. Lily didn't wait to be told and took her seat next to Ron, feeling a bit upset that he was in her favourite chair.
Well, she was upset about a lot more than that, but it was easier to focus on them one at a time.
"I'm afraid Sirius Black has broken into the castle once more, Lily," Dumbledore began, giving her a smile. "I am pleased that you were sleeping in your common room this time."
"This time?" Ron asked incredulously. Lily sniffed but didn't bother looking at him. She knew she forgot to tell him something during her ranting.
"Things aren't as bad as they were, Professor," she said, even making eye contact with the man. She kept the image of the closed cupboard door firmly at the forefront of her mind, hoping that would be enough to keep her secrets.
"I am pleased to hear it," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling, "Even if it did cost Mr. Malfoy a wand to get there."
"You knew about that?" Lily asked in horror.
Dumbledore chuckled to himself. "You have lowered your shield, Lily, allowing me to see it firsthand. But, yes, I knew. Lucius Malfoy was quite upset. Tried to rally the Governors to suspend you once more."
"That was true?" Ron said in disbelief. "I thought the Ravenclaws were just having a laugh, why didn't you-"
"Didn't want to talk about it," Lily interrupted. This wasn't a discussion she wanted to have tonight, especially not in front of the Dumbledore. She focused more firmly on her mental defenses. If Snape wasn't going to teach her anymore, then it was up to her to master it on her own. "Why are we here, Professor?"
"Because Sirius Black broke into the boy's dorm of Gryffindor tonight," Dumbledore said calmly, "and tried to attack Mr. Weasley in his sleep."
"You're kidding," Lily said.
"Slashed my curtains," Ron said, "screaming about some 'traitorous rat,' the lunatic. Seemed terrified when he saw I wasn't you, took one look around the room at the others, and then ran out."
"What did I do?" Lily asked. "I've never even met the bloke, I couldn't have betrayed anything."
"It is possible," Dumbledore said slowly, "that, during his stint at Azkaban, he has convinced himself that it was the Potters who were the traitors, and not himself. Perhaps as a coping mechanism."
"So why are we here?" Lily asked.
"For your protection," Dumbledore said. "I do not know if he will attempt to return for Mr. Weasley, and as you are his main target, I believed it necessary to summon you here, as well. The two of you will be sleeping in here tonight, while the staff comb the castle for his presence. It is not possible for him to reach this office. All entrances have been sealed off aside from the gargoyle, and I will be sealing it myself as I leave."
"You're just leaving us here?" Lily asked. "I don't think Mrs. Weasley would like that, much, she still thinks we're-"
She was cut off by Ron punching her shoulder, but Dumbledore just smiled at them both.
"I believe there is no fear of fraternization," Dumbledore said. Lily put her shield right back up.
"What did Lupin tell you?" Lily said, narrowing her eyes.
"Not a thing," Dumbledore said, holding out the palms of his hands. "Whatever the two of you have discussed during your weekly sessions remains between the two of you."
"Really, Dumbledore," one of the portraits overhead said, "I don't know why you put up with this sort of behaviour from your students. Back in my day, I would have-"
"Thank you, Phineas," Dumbledore said shortly, standing from his desk. "I am sure the two of you have much to talk about. Do try to get some sleep. And do not, under any circumstances, attempt to leave my office. I will wake you in the morning. Good night." As he said the final two words, he closed the door behind him, and they both heard a loud click.
"Guess we're stuck in here all night," Ron said, his eyes wandering to the shelves. "Think the Hat will let me try again?"
"No," Lily said, "and you shouldn't try. Hermione said he wouldn't sort anybody ever again if we tried."
"Pity," Ron said. "I don't think I'd look very good in green, anyway."
"So, he still thinks I'm a boy, then?" Lily asked.
"Black?" Ron said. "I suppose he'd have to. Seemed panicked when he saw you weren't there, though, like he was really surprised. I reckon he'll have it figured it out by now, though. He'll be coming for Slytherin, next."
"Thanks, Ron," Lily said. "That thought will really help me sleep at night."
"Don't look now, Potter," Sae said over breakfast, "But I think Cho Chang is coming for you."
"What?" Lily asked stupidly, her head turning on instinct.
"What did I just say?"
The pretty Ravenclaw girl was approaching her, all by herself, smiling and doing her best to appear friendly. Lily tried very hard not to slop her drink down her chin.
Normal thoughts, Lily, she reminded herself. That was the entire point of all this misery.
"Hello, Potter," Cho said in a friendly tone. Lily could only manage a smile and a nod. "I just wanted to thank you."
"Thank me?" Lily said when her voice returned. "For what?"
"For this," Cho said, tapping the shiny, new Quidditch Captain badge on her chest. Lily didn't notice at first; she was far too busy staring at something else.
"You made Captain?" Sae said for her. "Congratulations. How'd you do it?"
"Her," Cho said, pointing towards Lily. "Soon as Davies knew she had it, he resigned the position, and told Flitwick they'd all refuse it until he gave it to me."
"You deserve it," Lily said in a stupidly high voice.
"Thanks," Cho said cheerily. She thrust her hand forward. "I just wanted to thank you and wish you luck in our game. You're going to need it."
Cho's hand was very soft when Lily took it and she almost held on a little too long.
"Luck," Lily said as they finally broke off. Cho smiled one more time and then left to go back to her own table.
"Close your mouth, Potter," Sae said. "You look stupid."
"Look what I drew, Lily," Penny said, sliding her sketchbook over. Lily had to order one special, just for her. She saw her drawing in it almost every day. She'd have to order a new one, soon.
"Good job!" Lily said, eyeing the piece. "I can tell you've been practicing your line work. You've got it a bit smudged up here, though."
"I fell asleep on it," Penny admitted. "I fixed it the best I could, though."
"It's brilliant," Lily said. "Did you ask Hagrid for permission, first?"
"He said he didn't mind," Penny said, "So long as I sent him a copy when it was done."
Lily glanced back down at it one more time. It showed Hagrid mid swing with a frighteningly large axe, chopping a tree for firewood near his hut. Lily could see smoke billowing out of the chimney, and Fang was laying on the ground nearby, watching him. Hogwarts was framed nicely in the background, if a bit lopsided, but Lily didn't bring that part up. Penny needed the confidence boost.
"I think I'll have to show you how get it moving, later," Lily said.
"Really?" Penny said. Lily saw her feet tapping on the ground in her excitement, the smile she was wearing spreading her face wide. Lily could feel the corners of her mouth curling in response, but she tried to remain strong.
"This weekend," Lily promised, sliding the sketchbook back over. "After the game, assuming I don't end up in the Hospital Wing again."
"Why would you, Potter?" Sae said from further down the table, where she was talking with some of her fellow second years.
"I feel like I end up there more often than not," Lily said. She leaned over to Penny again; the girl was trying to show her another drawing. Lily was more than happy to give the praise that she was never given. She really loved how happy it made the other girl look. She noticed Hermione wearing a satisfied smile on her face as she returned back to whatever she was working on before.
"Absolutely not, Potter," Snape said venomously, his yellow teeth bared and clenched.
"You knew my mother!" Lily shouted, hand flexing painfully as she fought the urge to begin throwing around Snape's personal possessions, or even striking him with her broom.
"Of course I did, Potter," Snape said. "We went to school together. Or were you too stupid to realize?"
"Don't," Lily said warningly, wishing she was holding her wand instead of a Firebolt.
"Get out," Snape said, pointing at the door. "I don't remember giving you permission to enter."
It was true. She just happened to pass by the open office door as she was heading toward the Quidditch pitch.
"I deserve to know!" Lily said, poking Snape hard in the chest with a finger. "You were her friend, and you- you treat me like I'm a- a-"
"You deserve nothing," Snape spat. "You are nothing but a pale imitation of your mother, a failure, a freak."
"Then what does that make you?" Lily spat back.
"GET OUT, POTTER!" Snape roared. "And don't you dare return!"
"Sae, Mariam, if you two don't shut up, I'm forfeiting the match now," Lily said, her temper flaring in the changing rooms. The two Chasers shut their traps immediately, Mia's giggle filling the room instead. Lily ignored that, too. "Right. So, as I was saying, Ravenclaw's tough. Connor, Charlie, I want you two covering the Chasers. I can handle Cho on my own."
Lily thrust her broom further for added effect. Everybody seemed to stare in awe and silence whenever they remembered she was flying one.
"Get changed," Lily barked, bringing them back to reality. "I'll wait for you all outside."
Lily took a deep breath of the chilly air to steady her nerves. Eventually, the rest of the Quidditch team came out of the changing rooms, and they followed her off to the pitch and the roaring crowd. Lily waved at them all cheerily as they lined up in front of the Ravenclaw team. Slytherin wasn't cheering for them just yet; they needed to prove what they were capable of, first. Lily just hoped they didn't completely embarrass themselves. That would make her final few weeks her so much harder than they needed to be.
"Captains, shake hands," Hooch barked. Lily jumped from fright, remembering that was supposed to be her, and she hurried forward, clasping her hand firmly to the laughing Cho's.
"Luck, Potter," she said.
"Yeah," Lily said stupidly. Cho had to break off the handshake. Lily hoped nobody was watching too closely, and returned to her team, mounting her broom at the end of the line. The Firebolt in her hands felt eager, practically vibrating in anticipation. That could have also been her shaking legs.
Hooch blew her whistle, and Lily kicked off, Lee Jordan roaring above with the crowd.
"AND THE GAME BEGINS!" he said. "This will be the first test for both Captains, Potter and Chang! Who will seize victory? Will it be the Blue Beauty?" Ravenclaw screeched. "Or will it be the Green Goddess?" Slytherin hissed back at them.
Lily laughed, wondering if that was supposed to be her nickname. She supposed there were worse things.
The Firebolt turned at the slightest touch, and Lily soared well above stadium before the Quaffle could even make it halfway across the field. She spent a few minutes up there, eyes darting around, while both teams scored points below. She hardly paid attention to it, focusing on her own job and the girl attempting to stop it. Cho was soaring after her, trying to stay as close as she could, taking strange angles just to keep up with Lily's faster broom.
Lily thought that was a really stupid plan and dove sharply to show her why.
"POTTER HAS SEEN THE SNITCH!" Lee Jordan shouted, and Slytherin cheered in response, their voices making the air around Lily tremble.
Lily didn't fly as quickly as she could, although she made a good show of it. She wanted Cho as close as she could possibly get. She saw Cho come in at a sharp angle, closing the distance quickly, eyes frantically searching for what Lily supposedly saw. Lily smiled.
And then, with a casual flick of her wrist, her hips twisting to accommodate it, she turned the Firebolt in the opposite direction in the blink of an eye, heading straight for Cho Chang. Cho didn't react in time, and she couldn't brace for the impact. Lily twisted in midair, ramming her shoulder into Cho's chest, and the girl fell from her broom, landing hard in the grass below, while Lily continued forward, the skies now her domain only.
"OH!" Lee screamed along with half the crowd. "AN EXCELLENT FEINT BY POTTER!"
"WIN WIN, SLYTHERIN!" the crowd of silver and green called out as she flew over them.
Lily never would have tried that on her old broom. The Nimbus wouldn't have been able to handle the turn without crashing or taking far too long. But the Firebolt, with the Hazel modifications, was more than capable of it. Ravenclaw was jeering at her, now, even though Cho was getting back on her broom. Several of them were shouting for a penalty to be called, but none came.
None could, so long as she did it well enough. She was Captain, now. She spent hours poring over the rules, so she'd know what plays to call and what to watch out for, going over Charlie's notes and research. So long as she didn't take a Beater's Bat, and so long as she didn't break any brooms, no penalties could be called on what she, as a Seeker, did.
And even if she did do those things, the worst that could happen is the other team would get some penalty shots. A Seeker could never get removed from the field, except by choice or injury. The game would never end if they were.
Lily pushed it even further by soaring into the middle of the Ravenclaw offensive formation, causing one of their Chasers to drop the Quaffle. Sae was ready for it and dove, snatching it out of the air, and speeding off towards the Ravenclaw goalposts. This was what they practiced for. Slytherin traditionally played dirty. Lily fully intended on keeping that tradition, but she would not allow anybody to cheat. Lily had a Firebolt.
She was a human weapon.
"ASARI SCORES!" Lee shouted. "SLYTHERIN 40, RAVENCLAW 20!"
Lily rolled to avoid a bludger, then turned her broom skywards, rocketing up into the heavens above, straight through the reforming ranks of Ravenclaw. She rolled her broom again, going horizontal, and flicked the broom towards the left. The best part of a Firebolt was that it turned at the slightest touch, before she was even consciously aware of it. She could fly purely on instinct. She saw Cho coming back for her, looking furious. She briefly considered teaching her another lesson. Cho always struck her as smarter than the average Slytherin, though. She'd be expecting the same trick.
"PUCEY SCORES! 50-20, SLYTHERIN!"
Lily squinted, spotted Connor and Charlie near each other, and made up her mind. She dove again, the crowd already screaming over a goal. Cho dove with her, taking a wide berth this time, just as Lily expected. She could hear the crowd winding up, waiting to see her go for the gold speck. She pulled up sharply and turned towards Charlie, hoping he'd get the hint. She saw him strike a bludger towards her, heard Slytherin scream, and then she rolled.
"OH!" Lee screamed with the Ravenclaws. "Chang takes a bludger to the chest, courtesy of Charlie Ross. Nice try, Ross, but we all know our resident Weasley would have knocked her from the broom."
"Mr. Jordan."
"Sorry, Professor, but Potter's already learned it the hard way. Best to keep her ego in check."
Lily wondered if he was trying to make up for the Goddess comment (he was currently dating Alicia Spinnet) and rose again, peering down at the game with a bird's eye vantage. Cho circled below, rubbing her chest with one hand, looking elsewhere. Lily was disappointed she gave up so easily. She'd hoped to endanger her at least three times before she caught on. She scanned the field below again, checking the crowd just to make sure the Snitch wasn't-
Duke was sitting in the same spot as last time, eyes locked on to her, his fur coat just as shaggy as always. It almost looked like he was smiling at her. She froze in the air, looking down at him, wondering why he was here, wondering why she hadn't seen him in so long.
"ASARI SCORES! 70-20, SLYTHERIN!"
Lily turned back to the game, feeling pleased. She saw Cho trailing after her again, taking the chance now that she slowed down. She was trying to decide how to use this new opportunity when she saw it.
She pointed the broom straight down, using gravity to pick up speed as the crowd roared, their fingers pointing towards her, tracing her movement. She could hear Lee Jordan shouting about something, but it was hard to make out over the wind whizzing past her ears. She turned sharply towards the east, heading towards the Gryffindor section of the crowd. They screamed, some of them ducking, as she soared right over their heads. She stretched out her hand, rolled, and grasped the Snitch firmly in her hand, right above the head of Lavender Brown. She pulled hard on the broom, rolled, and flew back out over the field, the Snitch held high in her fist.
"POTTER HAS CAUGHT THE SNITCH!" Lee Jordan announced over the ecstatic cries of Slytherin. "THE EMERALD BLUR HAS SNATCHED IT FROM THE TALONS OF RAVENCLAW! SLYTHERIN WINS! 230-20!"
Lily's feet hit the ground first, but the rest of the team was crowding around her soon afterwards, clamping her in tight embraces. Each of the girls planted a kiss right on her cheeks, and her face flushed. They lifted her from the ground while Slytherin sang above them, the Snitch held high in the air.
They might not have won the cup, but Lily still felt like she could have produced the world's strongest Patronus.
Lily was still riding the high the next morning, as Slytherins continued patting her on the back and congratulating her for a well-earned victory. Malfoy didn't seem happy about it, and neither did her former Quidditch members, but she didn't care what they thought. They were back in the running for the cup, although they needed Gryffindor to play badly in their final two games, and they absolutely needed to smash Hufflepuff. Lily thought that might be a tall order; Ravenclaw might have done miserably against them, but that was because they had no idea what to expect.
"I think Cho's still mad at you," Hermione said, nodding towards the Ravenclaw table.
"I wonder why?" Lily said happily. She could practically feel the glares hitting the back of her head. She took a long sip from her pumpkin juice.
"What's McGonagall coming over here, for?" Sae asked. Lily turned, following her gaze, and McGonagall came to a stop right next to her.
"Potter," she said politely. "You will be reporting to my office tonight, before supper, for your advisement meeting."
"What?" Lily asked, looking around at the other girls and then turning back. "I thought Snape was supposed to be giving them." She was looking forward to the opportunity to grill him for answers, as a matter of fact.
McGonagall leaned in closer, lowering her voice. "Professor Snape believes you will be more comfortable with me."
"Of course he does," Lily said angrily.
"I will see you tonight," McGonagall said with a nod and a tight smile. "Miss Granger, I will be seeing you as well. You may have refused to attend the Gryffindor classes, but I will still be your advisor until the end of the year."
"Can't believe your luck," Sae grumbled as the professor left them. "I still have to do mine with Snape."
"I thought you liked Snape," Hermione said in a shocked tone. Lily just scoffed and went back to eating, her good mood completely gone.
"I like him in class," Sae said, "But being in a room alone with him is entirely different. Beady-eyed bugger."
"Oi, Potter" Montague said as he approached, his mate Marcus Flint close at this side. "We need to talk to you."
"Trying to cozy up now that the team's good?" Lily said as she took a bite of food. "Not a chance."
"That's not it," Flint said in his stupid voice. "We've got something we need to show you."
"Not a chance," Lily repeated. "The last thing I want is to wander off with the two of you. I'd rather take my chances with a dozen trolls."
"Forget it, Flint, we'll try later," Montague said as he pulled his friend away.
"What was that about?" Hermione asked nervously.
Sae snorted. "They want back on the Quidditch team. Didn't you see how they glowered in the corner all last night while the rest of us celebrated?"
"Tried to pull me away then, too," Lily admitted, "but I told them to go-"
"Lily!" Hermione said in faux outrage.
"Your marks have much improved since the Holidays," McGonagall said hours later once Lily was sitting right across from her. "You are excelling in Defense and Charms, as usual, and I'm pleased to note that Professor Hagrid has you at the top of his class.
"Brilliant," Lily said with a wide smile. This was already going much better than she expected.
"I only wish I could say the same for your remaining classes," McGonagall continued, dousing Lily's optimism.
"I'm doing fine in Transfiguration," Lily grumbled, arms and legs crossed.
"Only because of the Human Aspect," McGonagall said. "On everything else, with the exception of Arithmancy and Ancient Runes, your abilities have remained at that of a second year. Why is that, Potter?"
"It's easy?" Lily said with a shrug.
"It most certainly is not," McGonagall said disapprovingly. "I know you have listened to my lectures, Potter. Human Transfiguration is the most difficult magic you will learn here at Hogwarts. And, ignoring that, you are near the bottom of your class in both History of Magic and Astronomy, despite those being among the most lenient of courses offered here at Hogwarts. So, how is it that you can so easily perform in one aspect, while completely failing in others?"
"I don't know," Lily said with a sigh, "I just- I don't know, it just sort of works."
"I believe it is an issue with the picturing, the intent," McGonagall elaborated. "Tell me, Potter: what does it feel like when you cast a spell?"
"I don't know," Lily admitted.
"Close your eyes," McGonagall said. "Draw your wand, and cast a Light Charm. Tell me what you feel."
Lily drew her wand, feeling like this was a stupid waste of time. She shut her eyes tight and whispered the incantation, trying to shut out distractions. Her Occlumency training really helped with it, as it turned out. She felt oddly calm, not thinking about a single thing other than the wand in her fingertips.
"Well?" McGonagall said, her words oddly distant.
"It feels strange," Lily said. "Like- like there's a tingling at my fingers." She never would have noticed it before being asked.
"Of course there is, Hazel, that's where your wand is," McGonagall said, sounding amused. "What does it feel like? What do you picture as you cast the Charm?"
"It feels like it's coming from me," Lily said, hoping that made sense. "As if I'm producing the light myself, not my wand. Me."
"And there you are," McGonagall said. "You may open your eyes now, Potter."
"I don't get it, Professor," Lily said as she tucked her wand away.
"It will make more sense as you get older," McGonagall said, "As you learn more advanced magic. Do you remember what I told the class on your first day of Transfiguration, in your first year?"
"No," Lily admitted. She was far too excited just to be there to properly pay attention. She hardly remembered anything from the first month, let alone first week.
"Transfiguration and Charms are two completely different schools of magic," McGonagall said patiently. "Not because of their content, but because of their intent. Casting Charms is to produce the effect yourself, to will something to happen. The words you speak are simply a guide; the magic comes from you. Transfiguration is the same, yes, but it is also different. You are not willing something to happen, to be produced; you are changing something."
"I don't get it," Lily said after a pause.
"Many don't," McGonagall admitted. "Transfiguration is difficult. They get frustrated, and they quit. To transfigure something, you need more than words, more than intent. You need to force something to change. For younger people, who have experienced so little change in their lives, this comes with much difficulty. It is much more difficult for you to picture something changing, let alone forcing something else to change.
"But then why is Human Transfiguration so easy?" Lily asked eagerly.
"That is the question, isn't it?" McGonagall said with a bemused smile. "I have several guesses, one of which I believe may even be correct, if you would like to hear it."
"Please."
"Because you have gone through a lot of change, Hazel," McGonagall said happily. "Far more than anybody else in your year. You have gone from being a near prisoner to almost complete freedom. You have gone from the smallest first year I've seen in decades to the tallest girl in your year. You have no problem perceiving yourself changing, you have no problem forcing yourself to change. In some ways, you may even crave it. Your body is yours to do with as you wish. But when you try to force others to do so, that is where your block comes in. You need to picture them the same way. A stone is not a stone; it is matter for you to shape into whatever you want."
To accentuate the point, McGonagall tapped her wand a single time on the goblet resting next to her. It morphed before Lily's eyes, shaping, changing colour, and stretching until it became a miniature owl. Then it flew to Lily's shoulder, where it nipped at her ear. Lily pet it awkwardly, trying to process the information McGonagall had given her.
"Why couldn't I turn my hair back?" she asked.
"Have you managed the spell since?" McGonagall asked.
"Yes," Lily admitted. "But that first time, I couldn't even do a single hair."
"You were going through a difficult time, Hazel," McGonagall said gently. "Amidst your turmoil, I suppose you subconsciously wished to become someone else, if even for a moment, and your body allowed it to be. I had a previous student a few years ago with the same problem, although she was a Metamorphagus."
"What's that?" Lily asked.
"It matters not," McGonagall said. "I can provide you some additional reading once you have raised your marks."
"Right," Lily said, shifting in her seat awkwardly.
"Now," McGonagall continued. "I believe it is time we discuss Herbology."
"I don't want to stop!" Lily shouted. "We've only been at it a few minutes, we can't just-"
"Patience, Hazel," Lupin said, crossing his hands in his lap. "Your progress has been stagnating. I think we need to let you recharge, on both the memory and the magic front. We've been pushing too hard. Your outburst is only proof of it. You will not be able to summon a Patronus while feeling so frustrated."
"I don't get it," Lily said, far more quietly, as she slumped into the nearest seat. She tapped her wand against her thigh in irritation. "It was working before."
"You must have patience, Hazel," Lupin said reassuringly. "I warned you at the beginning that it may never be possible for you. That you have accomplished so much as a third year speaks to your ability. Trying to force yourself will only harm you. Take the day off, rest, and we will try again next week, with a different memory."
Lily didn't speak to that. She didn't know what else could possibly be happier, or even come close to it. And, somehow, she felt like it was her fault. She woke up feeling almost normal, the fog mostly lifted, but it was still there, ready to creep in as soon as she felt vulnerable.
It was time for another break, and she had just the thing sitting in her pocket.
Lily went straight up the stairs just as soon as Lupin let her go, the excitement rising up within her. She had to wait to get into the Secret Chamber while some younger Gryffindors lingered nearby, but as soon as she could, she set about pacing back and forth to summon the entrance.
Her Polyjuice Potion was just where she left it, stored in all as many containers as she could find. She couldn't risk keeping it in the common room, but as it turned out, the Secret Chamber could turn into a lot of things. The keywords for this particular room happened to be "I need a place to store things."
The result was a large maze of discarded items and shelves, some teetering to the nearly cavernous ceiling above. The mounds were so massive that Lily had no way to even begin categorizing it all. She stored her potion right near the entrance. She doubted very much that anybody else knew how to enter it, and even if they did, who would drink a bunch of strange, murky brown vials they found in a secret room of refuse?
That wasn't to say she hadn't done any exploring, though. It was far too tempting not to. But what she found was mostly uses piles of broken garbage. Snapped brooms, broken vials and quills, very old school robes (too outdated to make any use of), and some other items of questionable origins. Those she stayed far away from. Who knew the last time they would have been used (or even cleaned, for that matter). The most useful thing she found was a Remembrall that she was certain used to belong to one Neville Longbottom.
Today's hairs came from one Lavender Brown, pulled from the Golden Snitch she caught right above the girl. How they got stuck to it, she had no idea, but it was very convenient. Lily was nearly twice the size of the girl, so she'd need to shrink everything she was wearing before she could travel comfortably around the castle, but that wasn't much of a problem. It was when it was time to grow back that would be an issue, but she'd deal with that once it came.
The potion was just as foul going down the second time as it was the first, but the transformation itself came a lot easier. She didn't feel the slightest ounce of pain, this time around, although the bubbling effect on her skin still felt strange. Lily used a nearby mirror to check herself out, feeling pleased that she'd thought to bring her makeup kit with her. The potion couldn't copy that, and Lavender always wore more than Lily did.
It was a bit more work turning into Lavender Brown than it was Katie Bell. Lily took nearly half an hour just to ready everything, but it was necessary. Lavender always wanted to look perfect, and if Lily didn't want to get caught, then she needed to be, too. As soon as she done, she left the Secret Chamber, wearing the cloak (in case the real Lavender was still nearby) and a set of Gryffindor robes (transfigured from her own Slytherin ones; she had to bribe a House Elf with extra chores to learn how to manage that), and went straight towards the Fat Lady's portrait. She had to wait only a minute for it to swing open, as the Parvati Patil left the common room with the very girl she was impersonating (proving Lily was right to worry).
The Gryffindor common room was just as beautiful as Lily remembered it, with its crimson couches and roaring fireplaces. She never realized quite how warm it was until a lifetime of living down in the dungeons, but it was almost sweltering in comparison. It was also filled to the brim with chatting students, meaning Lily couldn't remove her Cloak in here. She went straight up to the third year girl's dorm, which she knew for a fact would be empty.
There were only two beds in it now. Lily tried not to feel too disappointed about that. She didn't quite know what she was expecting, but she was really looking forward to just laying down in her old mattress. She had to settle for Lavender's instead. She took the Cloak off and stared straight up at the ceiling.
Lavender's bed smelled like her, like that flowery perfume she was always wearing. Lily had been hoping for a short nap, truth be told, but laying here made her feel too strange. She decided to move on to her next step, instead. She left the girl's dorm, Cloak still hidden in her robes, and did her best to hum happily as she walked down the stairs, just like Lavender Brown would have.
As she passed the fourth year's dorm, the last person she wanted to notice her did exactly that.
"Hey!" Katie said, hurrying over from her mattress, where she'd been reading a magazine.
"Can I help you?" Lily said, trying to feign a bit of Lavender's peppiness. As much as she wanted to run away, Lavender would have no reason to do so. Lily took a deep breath and let the role take over her, putting Lily away into the back of her mind.
"You're Lavender Brown, right?" Katie asked, brushing a lock of hair out of her eye. "I've been- err- I wanted to ask you something, but- well, you're always with that Patil girl, so-"
"What do you need?" Lavender asked happily.
Katie looked both ways, up and down the stairs, and then pulled Lavender into the dorm and shut the door behind them.
"You're friends with Lily, right?" she said in a low voice.
"Yes?" Lavender said, cocking her head to the side.
"I think I messed up," Katie said, sounding dejected. "She's been avoiding me."
"She does that," Lavender said with a giggle. "In second year, we got in a row about her cat, and we didn't talk for months! And that's completely ignoring Hermione, they didn't talk nearly all year, aside from a few days here and there. Oh! And, one time, Parvati accidentally used her toothpaste instead of hers, and they didn't talk for a week, but that wasn't even Lily's fault, because she thought it was stupid, but Parvati just hated the taste of what Lily was using, and Lily refused to change since it was hers in the first place, so-"
"Right," Katie said, trying to butt in, "well- err- I think I might have blundered a bit worse than toothpaste."
"Well, did you do?" Lavender said, leaning a bit forward in her excitement, getting real close to Katie's face. There was nothing she liked more than hearing secrets.
Katie blushed slightly and moved back. "It doesn't matter, she- she wouldn't want me saying."
"I can't help you if I don't know what it is!" Lavender said, crossing her arms in a pout.
"It doesn't matter, really," Katie insisted. "Listen, I just wanted you to ask her something for me, that's all."
"Well, what is it?" Lavender asked, trying to pretend she wasn't at all interested even though every fibre of her being craved the answer.
"Can you just ask her to meet me in the tower?" Katie asked. "Please? There's just- well, I need to tell her something, but she runs away every time I try in the hallways, so-"
"I'll tell her," Lavender said. "But I don't think she will. Nobody can hold a grudge like Lily can."
"I know," Katie said softly. "But I- I don't know, I feel like I have to try."
Lavender pulled Katie into a big hug. "I'm sure she'll get it over it eventually. I need to get going, I'm supposed to be in the library with Parvati, but I forgot something upstairs, and she's going to be mad at me if I don't get down there soon."
"Right," Katie said, moving out of the way of the door. "Sorry. Just- please don't forget?"
"I won't!" Lavender said happily, setting about on her way. As soon as she was out of sight of both Katie and the common room, she pulled Lily's Cloak over herself, and then made her way over to the boy's stairs. It wouldn't do for Lavender to be seen heading up there. That would cause way too much of a scandal, even if it was allowed. But she needed to grab something for Lily's future preparations.
She found it clinging to one of Percy's robes in the seventh year boy's dorm and carefully placed the long, blonde hair in a prepared vial before heading back downstairs.
Lavender was still humming to herself as she walked the halls of castle, taking great care to avoid anywhere where the actual Lavender would be. That meant no seventh floor (and, therefore, no return to the Secret Chamber), no castle grounds, no Great Hall, no Entrance Hall, and none of the usual routes upstairs or downstairs. This Lavender stuck only to the back halls and secret corridors, places her contemporary normally avoided at all costs.
That did mean that, when the time came for the blessed transformation to end, Lavender was forced to empty an empty classroom to change back. Lily was much bigger than she was, after all, which meant certain preparations needed to be done ahead of time. It would be much more difficult to change all of Lily's clothing back to normal while she was still wearing them. Lily learned that the hard way when she was being Katie Bell.
It didn't take anywhere near as long for Lily to turn her things back to normal, although she did have to sit awkwardly while she waited for the Polyjuice to fully run its course. Lavender didn't know how to do any of the spells Lily used, after all, which meant that she wouldn't have been able to-
"Wait, that's stupid," Lily said, shaking her own head as she buttoned up her shirt. "I was Lavender."
Lily tried to ignore the implications of her pretending as she finished dressing. She was just pulling on her boots when the entrance to the room opened, nearly scaring the life out of her, even as the friendly face of Hermione poked through.
"There you are," Hermione said, coming in fully and closing the door gently behind her. "I've been looking for you everywhere, Lily, I was- why are you wearing Gryffindor robes?"
"No reason," Lily said, her face roasting in embarrassment as she tapped her wand to her chest to fix the colouring.
"Right," Hermione said, eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Well, anyway, I just got a letter back from my parents, and-"
"Wait," Lily said, "How did to even find me?"
"I asked Lupin," Hermione said. "He took the map from you, remember? He checked it for me, and he said you were up here. What are you doing in here, anyway?"
"Nothing," Lily said, her face growing even hotter (if that was even possible). "I was practicing a spell, is all."
"Right," Hermione said again. "Well, anyway, my parents sent a letter. They want to take the two of us abroad for the last two weeks of summer, so we can get used to France. Did you hear from the Weasleys yet?"
"Not yet," Lily said. She actually hadn't written them, yet. She'd been meaning to do it, but it was just hard to find the words to explain why she wanted to leave Hogwarts. She would do it soon, though. She was running out of time for it. She had the forms all ready, but she couldn't do anything with them until the Weasleys agreed.
"What spell were you working on?" Hermione asked sweetly, looking around the dusty classroom Lily was supposedly working on.
"Lupin's been teaching me the Patronus Charm," Lily admitted, it being the first thing she could really think of.
"Really?" Hermione said, sounding impressed. "Lily, that's very advanced magic? Show me!"
"I don't know," Lily said, shuffling her feet nervously.
"Oh, come on," Hermione said encouragingly.
"I was supposed to go rest," Lily admitted, feeling the strain again now that her adventure was over. "But- well- I just wanted to keep going."
"Just one time," Hermione promised. "It's okay if you can't manage anything, I just want to see how it works."
"Right," Lily said, reluctantly drawing her wand. "Well- err- first, you have to think of a really happy memory. And then- and then you say 'Expecto Patronum.'"
As she said the words, a flash of light appeared at the tip of her wand, but nothing more. Lily let out a frustrated sigh.
"Give it another try," Hermione said encouragingly.
"Expecto Patronum," Lily said again. This time, nothing at all happened. Lily clenched her jaw.
"How long have you been up here?" Hermione asked. "You must just be tired. We should-"
"I wasn't practicing," Lily admitted. She kicked at a nearby chair and then slumped down against the wall. She should have known the good feelings from being Lavender wouldn't be allowed to last. Hermione always had a way of making her feel so guilty. More than anybody else, it felt wrong to lie to her.
"Then why-"
"I was pretending to be a Gryffindor," Lily said quietly, hanging her head between her hands. She left the rest unsaid. Hermione might be her friend, but she'd never let Lily keep the rest of the potion. As much as she didn't want to lie to her, she needed that time off.
Hermione was quiet, but she joined Lily against the wall, placing her arms around Lily's shoulders and chest, her head leaning against her shoulder.
"It'll be alright, Lily," Hermione said. "We'll be gone soon."
"What if things aren't better?" Lily said.
"Then we'll figure something else out," Hermione said simply.
"I don't want something else," Lily said. "Lupin said the Patronus was supposed to help me, but- I don't know. The Occlumency is doing more, and that- that was awful."
"You just have to keep practicing," Hermione said. "You'll get it eventually."
"What if I don't?" Lily asked.
"Would it matter?" Hermione asked. "Why do you want to learn it so badly, anyway?"
"I just need to," Lily said.
"Why?" Hermione asked.
"What does it matter?" Lily asked.
"Lily-"
"Because I'm tired of feeling so bad all the time," Lily said. "I'm tired of everybody looking at me as if I'm fragile, talking carefully to me because they think I'll break again, I'm- I'm tired." She wanted to stand up, to pace around the room, but Hermione was holding tight to her, as if she'd run away the moment she let go.
"And the Patronus will fix that?" Hermione asked.
"I don't know," Lily admitted. She rested her chin on her knees, drawing them up to her chest. "McGonagall's is a cat, did you know? Back before- before the Holidays- she'd let me sit in her office, and she'd- she'd cast it for me. Had it sit in my lap. It was nice. I just- I want to feel like that again. Not like this."
The conversation lapsed back into silence. Lily felt like Hermione was judging her for what she left unsaid, even as the other girl kept her arms around her.
"Teach me," Hermione said finally, taking her wonderfully warm arms away from Lily. Lily looked up at her, an eyebrow raised.
"What?" she said.
"Teach me," Hermione said again, standing up and drawing her wand from her robes. "Maybe that'll help you."
"I've been at it for weeks, Hermione," Lily said, standing anyway. "I haven't gotten anything in the last two. I don't think you'll be able to-"
"Try," Hermione insisted. "What do I need to do?"
"Think of the happiest memory you can," Lily said after a long pause. "I mean it, too. It can't be something that just makes you smile, it has to be something that makes you want to cry, the happiest you've ever been."
"What do you think of?" Hermione asked. Lily was silent for a long, long time. Hermione looked over nervously, her wand lowering. "Sorry, Lily, I shouldn't have-"
"I don't know," Lily admitted. "I just- I pick something right before I cast, but it's never good enough. I'm not sure if- if I really have any happy memories. Lupin said it has to be something that goes untouched by negative feelings, but- well- everything I can think of has those."
"What if I don't have any, either?" Hermione asked.
"You do," Lily said confidently. "I don't know what it is, but you do. It can be anything, Hermione. Just so long as it made you happy. I'll figure something out eventually, don't worry about me. When you're ready, just say the words: Expecto Patronum. And keep the memory in your mind, you'll need to focus really hard on it. Close your eyes if you need to; it helps to really picture it."
"Expecto Patronum," Hermione said carefully. There was a flash, and a tiny wisp of light, but nothing more.
"That was really good," Lily said encouragingly. "Took me three weeks just to get to that. What did you think of?"
"Getting sorted in Gryffindor," Hermione said. "That was the House I wanted the most."
"Try something stronger," Lily said.
"Expecto Patronum," Hermione said again. This time, the wisp flowed out like a shield, holding strong in front of Hermione for a couple of seconds.
Lily let her jaw drop open, her heart sinking. Over a month of practicing, of pouring everything she had into the spell, and she couldn't do half as well as Hermione did in two attempts.
"That was brilliant," she said instead, trying to sound proud rather than jealous. "Really, I- Blimey, Hermione, I never got anything like that!"
"Really?" Hermione said happily.
"Really!" Lily said. "Try again, Hermione, you're so close. Do you have anything stronger?"
"I don't know," Hermione said nervously. "I picked when I first got into Hogwarts, when I found out I was a witch. I don't know if I ever felt that happy. It felt like- like everything was going to change, and I wouldn't be so miserable anymore."
Lily knew that feeling, although it didn't work out on her end. She tried to plaster a smile onto her face, ignoring the bile that was stirring within her.
"Try something better," Lily said. "Something that makes you want to cry, but the good kind. Pick a specific person, if you've got one, somebody you really love, somebody that you want to protect or that always protects you."
"Really?" Hermione said carefully.
"Really," Lily said. "I've been- well, I've been using myself, because I just want to scare off the dementors, but- I don't know, I couldn't think of anything else. It wasn't good enough, so I moved on, but Lupin said I was on the right track. Do you think you've got one?"
"I think so," Hermione said after a long pause, her eyes locked onto Lily's.
"Then try it," Lily said.
Hermione stared at Lily for a long time, her eyes a bit misty. Then, she steadied herself with a breath, faced forward, and cleared her throat to sound more confident. She closed her eyes tightly, her face scrunching up, and then she raised her wand.
"Expecto Patronum," she said.
There was a flash at the end of her wand and, for a brief moment, some part of Lily hoped that nothing would happen, that she wouldn't be outdone, and she felt her self-hatred grow.
And then the point grew larger, spreading outwards, and shot into the air. It coalesced into a solid shape, forming into an animal, and then the otter landed gracefully on the ground, nestling itself next to Hermione's feet. Hermione's eyes were open, now, and she was staring down at it in shock.
Any feelings of self-loathing or any hopes for Hermione to fail were gone in an instant. She didn't care that Hermione did it on the third try, that she'd failed so often only to be shown up. She felt only happiness, only pride, only satisfaction. She felt a smile come over her face and, before she even realized it was happening, she was cheering and throwing herself around Hermione. They teetered on the spot, both losing balance, and then they fell to the ground, a tangled mass of limbs, the silver font of joy disappearing as Hermione became distracted.
"You did it!" Lily said, squeezing her as tightly as she could. She had tears coming down her face again, but she didn't care. She just held Hermione closer. Hermione was crying, too, burying her face in Lily's chest.
They remained like that for a long time. Finally, when they really couldn't be out much longer, they broke apart.
"What memory did you choose?" Lily finally asked as they left the empty classroom. Hermione held her bag closer to her, her cheeks flushing from embarrassment. She had her wand held in one hand, a small silver thread trailing from it to the silver otter sitting weightlessly on Lily's shoulder.
"You," she said.
"Pardon?" Lily said with a laugh.
"You," Hermione repeated, a smile breaking out. "You rescuing me from the Basilisk, running to see me in Hogsmeade, not blaming me for- for what I did. You sleeping in my bed so I didn't have nightmares."
"Really?" Lily asked quietly.
Hermione nodded. "They were what I thought of first, but when I cast the spell, I- Well, the thing I thought of the most was you dueling Malfoy for me, giving me my wand back, and then telling me everything would be all right."
"You weren't scared I would lose?"
"You fought a Basilisk for me, Lily," Hermione said, voice straining again.
"You make me sound like a hero," Lily said, feeling a bit pleased, if embarrassed.
"You don't have to pretend to be a Gryffindor, Lily," Hermione said softly. "You might be wearing green, but there isn't anybody in this school braver than you."
"That's not true," Lily said quietly. She couldn't even face her own memories without breaking down. Lily moved to flex her fingers, but the Patronus nuzzled against her cheek, and Lily found she didn't need to.
"Nobody else would have gone into the Chamber for me, Lily," Hermione continued. "Nobody else would have fought that duel just for my wand, not while risking what you did."
"Hermione, that's not-"
"That's why I joined Slytherin," Hermione continued. "For you. After everything you did for me, I still didn't try to help you when you needed it. I was so focused on what I had going on, I never saw that you were drowning. It's time somebody was your hero for once, Lily. I- I don't know if I can be, but I'm going to try."
Lily was at a loss for words. She and Hermione were standing in the empty hallway, now, all the way up on the fourth floor, just staring at each other, Hermione's brown locked on to her green. Hermione's hands were trembling, holding her bag to her chest. Her fingernails were almost healed again, and Lily realized she hadn't seen her chewing on them for a long time. Hermione's otter wrapped itself around the back of Lily's neck, enveloping her further into the calming warmth.
Lily pulled Hermione into another hug, burying her face into the shorter girl's bushy brown hair.
"Thank you," she said.