Studying was a lot easier with just Hermione. Her Patronus was more than capable of keeping Lily's bad thoughts away, of keeping her warm, keeping her focused on being her normal self. But neither girl wanted to fully rid themselves of their time in the common room, sitting at their table with the constantly growing group of students. She always wished that she had the little otter with her, but they both agreed using it in the common room was too risky. It was very advanced magic, and they got enough attention as it was.
Thankfully, that wasn't true during History of Magic, as not a single person was alert enough to look at them. Lily drummed her fingers on the desk while she tried to listen, Hermione writing every single word Binns said in her complete enrapturement.
"Damocles Belby is the creator of the Wolfsbane Potion," Binns said.
"Brilliant," Lily muttered. Another professor teaching about it. "Poor Lupin."
"What was that?" Hermione asked.
"Nothing," Lily said.
"The actual process of brewing said potion will not be covered until your seventh year, NEWT level Potions classes," Binns continued, taking an agonizingly long time to say each word. "But the important matter here is the young man's discovery. Werewolves, or Lycanthropes, as they prefer to be known as, have often been the subject of ridicule and subjugation, as you well know from our previous discussions on the topic."
"Poor Lupin," Lily said again, more quietly this time.
"Belby's invention is often referred to as the most important breakthrough in a century," Binns said. "The potion, discovered only seven years ago to this very day, allowed werewolves to live some modicum of a normal life, a chance to integrate into normal society. For this, Belby was awarded an Order of Merlin, Second Class, as the discovery was made at his lab here in Britain."
"Tied with you," Hermione said happily, giving Lily a nudge as if to wake her. Lily just rolled her eyes and kept writing notes. At least that was one fact she was likely to remember.
"Unfortunately for the Wizarding World as a whole," Binns continued. "Belby was killed when testing a full cure for Lycanthropy."
"He almost cured it?" Lily said just a tad too loudly.
"Indeed," Binns said, almost sounding proud that somebody commented on his lecture. "As a matter of fact, Belby claims that his cure, produced at a mere pittance compared to his earlier potion, was more than capable of eradicating the curse completely."
"What happened?" Lily found herself asking.
"Lily," Hermione said quietly and nervously, urging her not to interrupt a Professor's lecture.
"We do not know the full account of matters," Binns continued. "Whoever his test subject was, they fled after committing the foul deed, and they were never found. His notes on the matter may have solved it, but they were destroyed in the aftermath, perhaps to hide his attempt to cure the greatest blight the wizarding world has ever known."
"Why would somebody want to hide it?" Lily asked.
"An excellent question, Porter," Binns said.
"Potter," Lily corrected.
"There are two suspects that the Ministry believe capable of commiting this most foul of acts," Binns said. "One is his wife, Althaia Belby. The couple were seen arguing multiple times in just the week prior to the experiment. Many believe she is responsible, but as she left for the continent just two days prior, it is physically impossible for her to have done it."
Lily hurried to finished writing that all before Binns could continue.
"The other," Binns said right as she finished, "is a more reliable suspect. Fenrir Greyback, the worst active Lycanthrope of our time. He does not see Lycanthropy as a curse, but as a boon. Some believe it was he that Belby was attempting to cure, that Greyback may have fooled him by falsifying his identity, or even by simply arriving to the site of the experiment under full transformation, as whatever cure Belby had developed needed to be deployed under the effects of a full moon. Regardless, the man is dead, rended and torn by the very ones he hoped to aid."
"Lovely," Lily said.
"But enough on that," Binns said. "I simply wanted to celebrate the anniversary of his discovery. For now, we will turn our attention to the founding of Britain's first werewolf colony in the year 1574."
"Where are you off to now?" Sae asked, as the three left the Great Hall from supper.
"We're going studying," Hermione said happily, her wand already spinning in her fingertips. Lily could tell she was very much looking forward to brining the otter back out.
"Again?" Sae said with a snort. "Haven't you been doing enough of that?"
"Exams are in two months, Sae," Hermione said. "And Lily still needs a lot of work if she has any hope of passing."
"If you say so," Sae said, rolling her eyes. "Bring me back another one of those muffins when you come back, would you?"
"I'll make sure Lily remembers," Hermione said. The two girls always stopped by the kitchens on their way back so Lily could get another meal in before bed. Hermione always waited outside. Lily was pretty sure she hated how all the House Elves begged to serve them.
"See you later, then," Sae said as she left them, the two girls heading up the stairs alone.
"I've been doing better than you in Transfiguration, lately," Lily said in annoyed tone once they were finally sitting in their usual classroom. Lily often considered showing Hermione the Secret Chamber, but she was sure the girl would forbid its use, and she still had need for it.
"Yes," Hermione said patiently, "but we're done with Human Transfiguration starting tomorrow, Lily, and we both know you won't be able to keep it up when we switch off."
"McGonagall said she thinks I'll pass the exam as is," Lily said.
"Did she know?" Hermione asked curiously. "And when, pray tell, was that?"
"Yesterday," Lily said.
"Lily, I was standing right next to you. She said you wouldn't stand a chance if you didn't put in more effort."
"She did not!"
"Well," Hermione said, rolling her eyes, "we're going to practice anyway. Expecto Patronum."
The silver otter hopped from Hermione's wand immediately and curled itself up in Lily's lap. She scratched the warm ball of light behind the ear. The first warm memory it brought back was from months ago, before everything went wrong, where she spent a sunny day sitting next to the Lake, napping with her head in Katie's lap. With the patronus at her side, the memory didn't even dredge up any of her feelings of self-loathing. She couldn't hear the insults in the back of her mind.
"How do you keep doing it?" Lily asked, nodding towards the otter. She'd still yet to even get a mist to form.
"It gets easier every time," Hermione said with a shrug. "I don't even have to think too hard about a specific memory anymore. Just something happy, and the urge to help."
"Right," Lily said. "Well, that's the issue then, isn't it? Don't have much to be happy about, do I?"
"You'll get it eventually, Lily," Hermione said kindly. "It's only a matter of time. Now, about that History of Magic."
"Hermione, I hate to be the bearer of bad news," Lily said, "But we do have other exams to worry about. I think it might be time to give up on it."
"Not a chance," Hermione said with a sniff. "History is important, Lily, you can't just ignore it completely."
"If we had somebody more interesting than Binns teaching, maybe I wouldn't."
"You seemed to enjoy it earlier today!" Hermione said.
"Yeah, well, that was before Binns made it boring again."
Hermione let out a little sigh. "We'll just study it later, then. Sae needs some help with it, and you still need to revise the second year material, too."
"Maybe we should take it back to the Lake," Lily suggested, leaning back to get more comfortable. "Weather's been nice, lately. And I still need to carve something for third year." She ignored the implication that it would be the last time she carved anything in their friendly little boulder. She wondered if somebody else would carry on the tradition once she was gone.
"I'll ask Neville during the next match," Hermione said, writing something on her long sheet of parchment.
"Right," Lily said, starting to feel nervous. "The match."
"You'll do fine, Lily," Hermione said. "After that last game, how could you not?"
"Hufflepuff smashed Gryffindor, Hermione," Lily said. "240-20. And I lost to Ron. The whole cup is on this match. We need to beat them by at least 100 and Ravenclaw needs to lose the next one, but not by too much, or Gryffindor will take it back."
She also couldn't help but feel that the loss was entirely her fault. Katie fumbled the Quaffle a total of fourteen times over the course of the single game, which just happened to be the first weekend after Lavender Brown promised to carry on her message. It was just too bad that Lily Potter was far too much of a coward to even consider these feelings when she didn't have a glowing otter giving her strength.
"What's it matter if you don't win?" Hermione said. "I don't think anybody expects you to take it in your first year as Captain."
"But that's just the thing, Hermione!" Lily said, standing from her spot, feeling the manic energy. "They do expect us to take it, I'm flying a bloody Firebolt! I should have just bought my own broom, then this wouldn't be-"
"Bought your own broom?" Hermione said, Lily muttering a silent curse. "I thought you did buy the Firebolt?"
"It was a gift," Lily said slowly, trying to buy her brain more time to catch up.
"Who would buy you a Firebolt?" Hermione said, her tone suspicious. "I was with you in Diagon, Lily, I saw how much they cost, the Weasleys couldn't have done it!"
"Dumbledore," Lily said quickly.
"I can tell when you're lying, Lily," Hermione said, squinting her eyes dangerously, her hands on her hips.
"Fine," Lily said, "I don't know who it was, alright? There wasn't a note or-"
"No note?" Hermione asked, her eyes widening, her Patronus disappearing with her concentration elsewhere. "Lily, how could you fly a broom when you don't know who sent it to you? It could have been dangerous, somebody could have jinxed or cursed it, don't you remember what happened in first year?"
"Of course I do," Lily said, running a hand over the old skull injury, "but nobody would have-"
"Lily, please don't say nobody would have done it," Hermione said. "Malfoy would have loved an opportunity to get you off the team, and he has the money for it, or- Lily, it could have been-"
"I know, alright?" Lily said, feeling annoyed. "I know, I thought of Black, too, alright? I just- I don't know."
"You knew?" Hermione asked. "Lily, you just went through-"
"I didn't want anybody to take it!" Lily said angrily. "Don't I deserve one good thing? Somebody bought me a broom, they even chose the Hazel specifications, and I didn't care if it was Black. Couldn't have been anyway, could it? I've flown it plenty of times, and nothing has happened."
"It could be delayed, Lily," Hermione said, pulling at her hair. "Some curses take ages to take effect, it could be waiting for your final game, so your guard is down!"
"I'll be fine," Lily insisted. "I can't not play, even if we had a reserve, I'm the bloody Captain."
"But-"
"Just drop it, Hermione," Lily insisted, gathering her things back into her bag. "I'm going downstairs. If you don't want to study, I'll just do something with Sae. Or Penny. She's been wanting to do some painting, lately, and I promised I'd-"
"No," Hermione said, crossing her arms.
"Pardon?" Lily said, raising an eyebrow.
"We need to talk to Professor Lupin, Lily," Hermione said. "You can't use the broom tomorrow, not before he checks it for- well, anything, really."
"No," Lily said. "Absolutely not, Hermione, weren't you listening? I don't want them to take it, and Lupin- he's already done the map and cloak, hasn't he?"
"You got the cloak back!" Hermione said. "We don't know where the broom came from, Lily. We have to get it examined."
"I said no!" Lily snapped. "Just once, can't you let me have this?"
"If you don't go, Lily, I will," Hermione said, raising her left hand to her mouth. Her face was pale, and Lily could see her hand was shaking. "This is serious, Lily, you could die! I- I don't- I- Please, Lily."
Lily felt her anger vanish. Hermione was terrified, and she could hear how hard she was chewing on her nails. It reminded her of last year, when she ignored how terrified Hermione was, when she needed her the most, and she left her in the hallway sobbing.
Her Boggart was me, Lily remembered.
"Alright," Lily said after a long pause. "Go- go let him know. I'll go get the broom."
"You promise?" Hermione asked, her hand lowering a bit. Lily could see her lip quivering.
"I promise," Lily said. She just had no idea how she was going to explain this without Slytherin killing her.
"You were right to come to me," Lupin said as she laid the broom on his desk. "You should have done so immediately."
"I know," Lily said quietly, slouching in her chair. Hermione was sitting in the one next to her, fidgeting around, clearly trying hard not to show how nervous she was. She was also utterly failing at it. Lily could practically feel the hopeful glances she was giving her.
Lupin leaned in close to the broom, tapping it with his wand, muttering spells without a sound. Lily watched, bristling just a bit when he dug shallowly into the twigs. She had to resist the urge to comb them back into place when he moved on to the handle.
"I cannot find anything with basic detection charms," Lupin said, leaning down to inspect the engraving. "But that does not mean there is nothing here. I will need to keep the broom to inspect it more rigorously."
"How rigorously?" Lily asked nervously.
"It will need to be stripped down," Lupin said, not noticing the very visceral reaction Lily had. "I do not think it will take too long, though. If Sirius was responsible, I think I know what to look for."
"The game is tomorrow," Lily said.
"I am sorry, Hazel," Lupin said, "But you may not even get it back before term is over. We may have to send it back to you over the summer, as it is."
"Brilliant," Lily grumbled.
"I'm sorry, Lily," Hermione said as they made their way downstairs ten minutes later. She was staring at her feet.
"Don't be," Lily said with a sigh of longing.
"But now you won't be able to play tomorrow," Hermione said.
"I'll figure something out," Lily said. "If I don't, I'll be in for more duels, because the team will want to kill you."
"Lily-"
"That was a joke, Hermione," Lily said. "Don't mention to anybody what happened just yet. I'll tell them I had to send it in for maintenance, it had a defect or something. I don't know. I'll figure it out."
"But what'll you do about the game?" Hermione asked. Lily stopped her from raising a hand to her mouth.
"I'll just have to borrow one," she said with a tired smile.
"Here," Ron said in the hallways of the stadium, placing his Nimbus gently in her hands.
"Thanks, Ron," she said, slinging it over her shoulder. She could hear the collective sigh of relief from her teammates behind her. They really thought she was going to have forfeit the match, and not a one of them wanted that.
"Just don't damage it, please," Ron said, his eyes wandering to his broom like a protective parent.
"Ron, if something happens to it, I'll buy you a Firebolt," Lily said, jogging to catch up to her wandering team. She could already hear the roaring of the crowd above, could hear people chanting for her. She realized as she joined the line of players that none of them yet realized she wasn't flying her Firebolt.
She'd have to play a very different game if she was going to pull this off. She'd never played against Hufflepuff before, only seen them from a distance, and she didn't have the superior broom to rely on anymore.
But she did have experience flying with Cedric, although with a slightly better broom, and she knew she could beat him. He still wasn't looking her in eyes when they walked forward to shake hands. That made Lily feel bad. She'd hardly spared a thought for the boy, but now that she did, she decided she'd been treating him unfairly.
"Sorry," he said again, rubbing the back of his head. His hair was just as short as ever, and his eyes kept glancing up nervously as he offered her the traditional handshake.
"I'm over it," Lily said, gripping his other hand firmly. "I know you didn't do it, I just needed somebody to be angry at. We should fly some more over the summer."
"Really?" Cedric asked, his lips curling into a smile.
"It'd be good practice," Lily said. "And you don't live that far. I could get there in just a few moments with my Firebolt."
"Noticed you aren't flying it," Cedric said, nodding to her Nimbus 2000.
"Factory defect," Lily said. "I'll come visit, if you don't mind losing. You can pick the day."
"That'd be brilliant," Cedric said, his face completely lit up. "I'll see if Dai wants to come, he can bring his sister and-"
"Captains," Hooch said sharply. "As nice as I'm sure your conversation is, I believe you have a game to play."
Lily broke off the handshake first, returning to her line with a series of whistles and catcalls following her. She tried not to feel too embarrassed about it.
"You know, Lily," Sae said with a wink. "I didn't know Cedric was your type."
"Shut up, Sae," Lily said with a groan.
Lily glanced at Cedric, who was smiling goofily at his teammates, his cheeks a bit flushed. She'd never even thought about it before. She supposed Cedric was good-looking, but she just thought of him as a friend, if a distant one. She couldn't see herself holding hands with him, let alone kissing. But should she, if she really wanted to be normal? Or would she hate herself even more for that choice?
Her eyes wandered up to the stands of red and gold.
Filch blew her whistle, and Lily kicked off, shaking her head clear. She needed to focus if they had any hope.
"AND THE GAME BEGINS!" Lee Jordan shouted. "Hufflepuff takes the Quaffle, and- what is Potter doing?"
Normally, she would have taken high to the skies immediately. Today, she had a different plan. Daisuke got ahold of the Quaffle first, and he rolled to avoid a bludger from Charlie Ross. He tossed the Quaffle to one of his teammates, and Lily dove and rolled, letting it strike against her back. Sae barely managed to grab it in her panic, but she sped off towards the goalposts while Lily pulled her broom skyward, enjoying the hisses and jeers from Hufflepuff.
"ASARI SCORES!" Lee shouted, laughing. "I'll suppose we'll have to count that as an assist for Potter, won't we? 10-0, Slytherin!"
"WIN, WIN, SLYTHERIN!"
Lily soared towards the Slytherin goalposts, staying just ahead and above of the Hufflepuff Chasers. They seemed wary of her, staying far below, glancing upwards at her. She feinted, once, distracting the carrier just long enough for Mariam to come in from below, stealing the Quaffle from their hands and tossing it to a waiting Pucey. Daisuke rose after them, giving chase, but Lily blocked his path, and he nearly fell from his broom in his effort to avoid her. She rose upwards again, taking the chance to search for the Snitch while her team did what they were supposed to.
"You know," Lee said, "she might be a dirty snake, now, but I find I just can't keep my eyes off Potter. Course, she's always been a looker, everybody knows that, but-"
"Mr. Jordan, the game, if you would."
"Slytherin scores, 20-0, and Asari takes the Quaffle- Daisuke, not Sae, have to keep that straight now, I suppose- and- OH! I spoke too soon, Sae takes the Quaffle from her brother, passes off to McCliver and- SHE SCORES! 30-0, SLYTHERIN!"
Lily ducked to avoid a bludger, then watched the Hufflepuff Keeper toss the Quaffle to the nearest Chaser. They passed to another, and then that one went over Sae's head to her brother, and Lily dove again.
"POTTER HAS SEEN- NO, SHE'S TACKLED ASARI!"
Lily slid from her broom, cursing herself as she fell, her hand twisting, trying to force her broom back under her, Slytherin and Gryffindor screaming in horror as she tumbled. She barely got it in time, hovering just a few inches from the ground, her hair laying in the grass.
"Hooch calls a penalty, Asari to take the Quaffle for Hufflepuff."
She hadn't meant to actually hit him, but the Nimbus 2000 just didn't turn like the Firebolt did, and that's what she practiced all of these maneuvers on. She'd have to avoid actually charging the players; it wouldn't do to get her out of the game if she broke her own leg.
Lily renewed her search for the Snitch, joining Cedric high in the air, trusting that Mia would be able to save the shot. She heard groans from Hufflepuff, and she ignore her urge to dive again. She needed to give them some room to breathe, to forget about her. They discussed this during all of their practices; this was their path to victory.
"Asari passes to McCliven, back to Asari, she passes to Pucey and- HE SCORES! 40-0, SLYTHERIN!"
"That'll do," Lily thought, divebombing before anybody could even realize what was happening. She heard the crowd screaming, heard Lee Jordan shouting, but she ignored them, homing in on her target. The Hufflepuff Keeper tossed the Quaffle forward. Lily saw Mariam dive, eyes following her movement, and she rammed her shoulder into the arcing Quaffle before anybody could catch it.
"McCLIVEN INTERCEPTS THE QUAFFLE!" Lee shouted. "SHE SCORES! SLYTHERIN 50, HUFFLEPUFF 0!"
That one wasn't strictly legal; there were tons of rules saying Chasers and Beaters couldn't interfere with a Keeper putting a Quaffle back into play.
But there wasn't one keeping Seekers out of it. Charlie's notes were very clear on that.
Lily glanced towards Hooch, who had her whistle to her lips, thinking hard, yellow eyes narrowed at her. But the sound never came, and Lily rose again, waving at Cedric as she passed by.
Slytherin scored two more times, with Lily's assistance, before Hooch finally blew her whistle, signaling a time out for Hufflepuff. Lily landed before the rest of her team, breathing hard, and wiped the sweat from her head.
"What do you think they're talking about?" Connor asked as he landed, tilting his head towards the furious Hufflepuff team.
"Me, if I had to guess," Lily said, sounding pleased.
"You'll have to watch out, Lily," Sae said. "Dai might not show it, but I can tell when he gets angry. I don't know if I've ever seen him that furious."
"I can take him," Lily said confidently.
"Those last few bludgers were all for you," Connor said in his flat tone. "Couldn't even get out in front of 'em, O'Flaherty and Rickett won't stop tailing you."
"Let them," Lily said. "They won't get me. I want you two taking my place." Lily pointed at her two Beaters. "They'll be expecting me. Just be careful not to touch any of them, I don't want you kicked out of the game."
"We didn't practice for that, Potter," Pucey said.
"No," Lily admitted with a shrug, "But if they're wasting their time on me, that gives the rest of you openings. Just try and look threatening, charge 'em a bit, if you have to, just enough to make them afraid so they'll drop the Quaffle or give Sae and Mariam a chance to steal it."
"What about me?" Pucey asked.
"They're smaller," Lily said, shaking her head. "It's easier for them to slip in and out. I want you on the periphery, just in case they need to pass the Quaffle out. Do not enter the Hufflepuff's formation."
Hooch was blowing her whistle again, and they all launched themselves back into the air. Lily went straight up, trying to take a domineering position. Just as she expected, both of the Beaters came straight up towards her, guiding a bludger between them.
She pretended not to notice, waiting until they got closer, and then she shot off between them, rolling to avoid the ball of iron. She was surprised to find Cedric waiting for her on the other end; she didn't notice him.
She dove, and Cedric went after her. She tried to swerve off, but he was right on her tail, and when she rolled again to avoid the bludger, Cedric swerved towards her, trying to run right into her.
It was a stupid idea, in hindsight, but she panicked at the time. She forced her broom into a vertical position and then let go, rider and broom falling parallel together, both tumbling. Her broom started to spin, and she tried to correct it, but only managed to get herself spinning in the opposite direction. She screamed in the air as she went, absolutely certain she was going to die, flailing around with both hands and feet in a desperate attempt to grab her broom, the crowd screaming below her. Somehow, she managed to hook the broom between her legs, and then she rolled again, claiming her shaky seat, and flew off in the opposite direction, away from all the danger.
"I don't know what that was," Lee said, laughter still in his voice, "But it was bloody brilliant, good for a laugh. Cheers, Lily! Try not to kill yourself again, would you? I fancy you a lot more when you're-"
"Mr. Jordan, that is highly inappropriate."
"Only joking, Professor, only joking! Slytherin scores again, bringing it to- POTTER HAS SEEN THE SNITCH!"
She never would have if it hadn't been for her fall, but in her mad scramble, it was there, hovering near the Slytherin goalposts. Lily heard Mia cheer her name as she zoomed past, Cedric right at her side. How he caught up, she had no idea, but he was there, on her left, and she raised her hand the same time he did, their fingers just brushing each other as they grasped for the cool metal, right over the Gryffindor stands.
Lily's hand froze when she locked eyes with the desperate Katie Bell below her.
"HUFFLEPUFF WINS!" Lee shouted. "Congratulations to Diggory for completely carrying his team! 150 to 90! Sorry, snakes, but you're out of the running for the cup!"
Lily touched the ground in a completely foul mood, the jeers of the Slytherin stands filling her head. She had to resist the urge to snap Ron's broom over her knee. She watched the Hufflepuff team celebrate, feeling full of envy.
"What was that, Heiry?" Mariam shouted as she landed, her face getting close to Lily's in her fury.
"You want to say that again, McCliver?" Lily said coldly.
"You just cost us the game!" the smaller girl yelled, shoving Lily. Lily hardly moved and then got right back into her face, her hand going to pull her wand from the sleeves of her robe. Or, at least, she tried to, as Sae got in between the two of them and pushed them both as far as she could.
"Calm down, Lily," Sae said.
"You're off the team, McClivert," Lily said. "Get off my field."
"Fine," Mariam said. "Like I want to play for a filthy blood traitor in the first place. Malfoy was right about you, it seems."
"Is that right?" Lily said, trying to get past Sae again.
"Shove off, Lily," Sae said. "She's not worth it, I told you that from the beginning."
"I'll see you around, Heiry," Mariam said with a laugh. "Assuming you live long enough. The Dark Lord's loyalist is looking for you. Better watch your back."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Lily shouted after the retreating form of Mariam.
"Down, Gryffindor," Sae said. "Oi, Cresswell, you just going to stand there, or are you going to help me?"
"Right," Connor said, blushing as he came to help hold Lily.
"I'm fine," Lily said, trying to shove off the both of them. "Anyone else got any problems?"
Lily watched the rest of her team shuffle nervously under her thunderous gaze, just daring any of them to agree with what McClivert said.
"Calm down," Sae said at her side, grabbing at her arm. "We'll get the Cup next year. It was a long shot to begin with."
Lily stopped herself from speaking just in time, and then nodded towards the tunnel with her head.
"Go get changed," she said. "Enjoy the rest of your year. Our season is over. Sae, hang back."
"Why?" Sae said as the others passed them.
Lily watched the team get further away as she considered her answer, Sae staring expectantly at her the whole time.
"There won't be a next year," Lily said finally.
"What, don't think Snape will give you the badge again?" Sae said. "I think you've proved yourself, Lily."
"Not what I meant," Lily said. "I'm not coming back to Hogwarts. I'm transferring to Beauxbatons."
"You're not joking," Sae said after a pause, her eyes widening and her voice growing desperate. "Potter, you won the duel, you don't have to leave."
"I know," Lily said. "I want to. I won't be playing for Slytherin next year, or any year after. This was my last chance at the Cup."
"Then what was all that rubbish earlier?" Sae shouted (where, luckily, nobody could hear it). "About watching out for us? What was the point if you knew you were leaving?"
Lily shrugged. "I didn't want my last few months here to be miserable."
"Great," Sae said as she turned away. "Bloody brilliant. Thanks for nothing, Lily."
"Sae," Lily called out, raising a hand.
"I'll see you later, Gryffindor," Sae said, waving over her shoulder.
"Post's here," Hermione said without looking up. Lily looked away from Sae, who was sitting with her fellow second years at a different section of the table. The other girl was still giving her the cold shoulder, although Lily sometimes caught her staring sadly from across the room.
"Did you finish your Arithmancy homework?" Lily asked, turning her attention back to her food. They were starting their first Warding Charm, soon, now that they were through the basics of Magical Number Theory. Lily was almost excited for it.
"That's a stupid question," Hermione said with a snort.
"I think Sae's rubbing off on you," Lily said.
"Well, she's bound to, considering I spend more time with her than you do," Hermione said haughtily.
"Sorry," Lily said.
"It's alright, Lily," Hermione said more carefully. "I know you can't help these moods you get into."
"I should be able to, though," Lily said. "That's the whole point of all these extra lessons."
"I can cast it in the common room, if you want," Hermione said quietly.
"No," Lily said. "It's alright. I have something else I can do."
"Does that mean you won't be coming back to tonight?" Hermione asked.
"Sorry," Lily said again. Every once in a while, when she needed a break, she'd wander the halls as somebody else, just to get away with it all. It was nice, losing herself in the mind of someone else. She still hadn't told Hermione what she was up to, although she did agree to at least tell Hermione when she was doing something, so the girl wouldn't come looking for her. The last thing she wanted was to tip Lupin off that she was doing something she wasn't supposed to.
"I can go with you, Lily," Hermione said. "I promise I won't say anything." Hermione was staring at her plate. Lily knew she still felt bad about the Firebolt, even though she was in the right.
"It's not you saying something I'm worried about," Lily said. "It's alright, Hermione. I'll be back before curfew this time, I promise."
"Is that your new owl?" Hermione asked just before the great eagle owl landed in front of her.
"Not mine," Lily said as she took off the letter, "but yes. It's the Weasley's."
"Is that what I think it is?" Hermione asked.
"I suppose so," Lily said, staring at the envelope.
"I'll stay with you if they say no, Lily," Hermione said, placing a hand on one of hers for confidence.
"Thanks," Lily said, hoping it wouldn't come to that. She tore the letter open.
Dear Lily,
You should have written us sooner, we'll barely be able to get this paperwork all filed before the deadline. If you were worried about us being upset, you shouldn't have been. Molly and I were considering pulling you out of Hogwarts earlier, but when you returned for the Holidays, we decided we didn't want to bring it up. We didn't want you thinking we were sending you away.
Getting away from Hogwarts is a brilliant idea. You have our full support. I'll get it all filed away for you, I can pull a few favours so the Ministry doesn't get alerted. I have a feeling Fudge wouldn't take kindly to you leaving after all he's done in the name of "protecting" you.
Make sure you tell the boys and Ginny about your decision. They deserve to hear it from you before they hear it from anywhere else. We'll see you soon. Just a couple months, and you'll be home!
Much Love,
Arthur Weasley
"They said yes," Lily said, breathing a deep sigh of relief.
"I told you they would," Hermione said, sounding equally so.
"Come on," Lily said, standing from the table. "Let's get to class."
Lily trudged down the steps, Ron's broom held against her shoulder, humming happily to herself. Hermione said farewell to her on the third floor, and then she went back down to the dungeons, her wonderful, silver light leaving with her. Lily tried not to feel too bad without it. She clung to that warm, fuzzy feeling as she wandered down the corridor.
It was Tuesday, over a week since she borrowed it from him. She really wanted to return Ron's broom earlier, especially since he kept reminding her to do so, but with everything going on, it just slipped her mind.
First, though, she had a meeting to keep. Ron knew to expect her soon. This wouldn't take too long. She knocked on Lupin's door.
"Enter," Lupin's weary voice called from within.
Lily pushed right in, her lips still curled into a smile, a whistle still pursed at her lips. Lupin seemed excited to see it.
"Hello, Professor," Lily said cheerily. She took her familiar seat.
"You didn't come for your usual Patronus Lesson," Lupin said. "I was worried you wouldn't be coming at all, but you seem to be in a wondrous mood."
"I wanted to talk about that, actually," Lily said, taking a deep breath to steady her nerves. "I- err- I don't think I need them anymore, Professor."
"You are certain?" Lupin asked, an eyebrow raised.
"Hermione's figured out the Patronus Charm," Lily admitted, running a hand through her hair sheepishly. She saw Lupin's face change slightly at the motion. "And I've been- well, I've been talking to her to be honest, Professor."
"What have you been talking about?" Lupin asked, leaning back into his seat.
"Everything, really," Lily said, running a hand through her hair again. "We've been sitting in an unused classroom, up on the fourth floor."
"As your Professor, Lily, I must remind you that unauthorized use of empty classrooms is not allowed."
"Good thing you'll give us permission, then," Lily said, her stupid grin spreading to Lupin's face.
"I suppose so," Lupin said. "What, in particular, have you been talking about?"
"Whatever, really," Lily said with a shrug. Lily didn't touch on her days before Hogwarts, she even seemed to actively avoid it, but they did discuss everything else. It was just so much easier to talk with her.
"What was Hermione's Patronus?" Lupin said instead.
"An otter," Lily said happily, leaning forward slightly, another hand trying to comb back her hair. It was being unruly today, refusing to stay flat no matter what she did. "She doesn't like to show it off, though, she's- well, she's worried the rest of the House will start asking her for lessons."
"What do you mean?" Lupin asked.
"We've been sitting with all the younger students," Lily said. "Down in the common room, every night, helping them catch up on their studies, you know? And- and sometimes we play games, or- or we just talk. Penny shows me her drawings, sometimes, and other times, we'll sit next to each other, and I'll help her practice, or we'll both sketch the same thing so she can see how I'd do it."
"Penny?" Lupin asked.
"Penelope Midgen," Lily said, "She's a-"
"First year, yes," Lupin said. "I didn't realize she preferred a nickname."
"She doesn't," Lily said quickly, shaking her hands, "she just likes it when me and Eloise call her that."
"So nobody else at the table does?" Lupin asked.
"No," Lily said, smiling fondly. "Just me."
"And how many of you are there?" Lupin asked.
"All of the second and first years, now," Lily said, "And Mia's been joining, too, she's a fourth year, and sometimes her friends join, but not very often, I don't think they like me much."
"Why is that?"
"None of the older students like me much," Lily said with a shrug. "Mia said they think I'm 'uppity,' but she likes that, so she sticks around. And some of the older students are pleasant enough, like Connor, because their siblings sit with us, but they have their own friends, don't they?"
"What caused this sudden turnaround?" Lupin asked.
"Not answering that one," Lily said with a mischievous smile.
"I recognize that look, Lily," Lupin said. "Your father often wore it when he was planning something stupid."
"I already did something stupid, sir," Lily said. "And it paid off, didn't it?"
Lupin laughed, which surprised Lily. He never did that. He had a wistful look in his eyes, as if he wasn't quite seeing her for who she really was.
"You father said exactly the same thing, once," Lupin said. "He and Sirius, they challenged another bloke to a duel, two-on-two, in the Trophy Room. They didn't actually expect the others to show up, but when they did, Peter and I, we shut the doors behind them, while James and Sirius levitated dung bombs into the room from the floor below. We had to leg it once Filch showed, but it was worth it in, in the end. The boy James argued with- well, I'll just say he said some very nasty things about a bird James cared deeply about, and he wasn't happy about it at all.
"Anyway, the two kids got detentions for sneaking out, and their parents weren't happy, not one bit, and they wrote Professor Dumbledore about it. This was during our fifth year, right after our OWLs, and he called us into our office to give us a stern talking to. Your father didn't buy it, of course, and when Dumbledore told him not to be such an idiot, not to do something stupid and get himself into more trouble, he looked him right in the eye, and he said it. 'I already did something stupid, sir, and it paid off, didn't it?'"
Lupin wiped at his eye, coming back to reality, and he seemed startled to see the frown Lily was wearing on her face.
"Who's Peter?" she asked. "You never mentioned him before, Professor."
"Peter Pettigrew," Lupin said darkly. "He- he was our friend in school."
"What happened to him?" Lily asked.
"He's dead," Lupin said, sounding disgusted. "He- Sirius killed him, right after your parents died."
"Why?" Lily asked.
"Hazel," Lupin said carefully, leaning forward again. "I'm- we're not supposed to talk about this with- we're not supposed to talk about this."
"With me?" Lily finished, surprised to find a spark of anger welling up. She thought she was over this, feeling so lousy every time her parents were brought up.
"You have to understand," Lupin said after a long pause. "Dumbledore's full intention was to tell you everything once Black is caught. After all the grief you've gone through these last few years, after all the danger, he doesn't want you to go through anymore."
"Then he shouldn't have brought me to Hogwarts," Lily said. "He should have sent me overseas, right away. Why did Black kill Peter?"
"Hazel-"
"I deserve to know, dammit!" Lily shouted, standing from her seat suddenly. Lupin seem startled, flinching away slightly, his hand pulling back from where he tried to lay it kindly on her knee. "Nobody ever tells me a bloody thing! Not you, not Dumbledore, not Snape. Did you know he was friends with my mum? And he still did everything he did, calling me lousy, making me hate myself. Well I'm through with it, I'm done feeling lousy just because somebody else thinks I should."
"Hazel-"
"He's after me, isn't he? Sirius Black? That's the entire bloody point, isn't it? That's why the dementors have been here, isn't it?"
"Lily, I need you to-"
"I'm tired of everybody lying to me," Lily said, pulling at her hair. "I'm tired of people whispering behind my back! Malfoy knows, Parkinson knows, they've made that very clear, but not one person has tried to tell me, you all think I'm too stupid, that I'll go off looking for him, and- and- well, maybe I would but I don't I deserve to know why I'd even want to?"
"Sit, Lily," Lupin snapped, startling her out of her pacing. She was surprised how pale he looked, how nervous, and she did as she was told, still feeling angry.
"I just want to know," she said again.
"You have to promise me, Lily," Lupin said, "That you won't go looking for him. If you'll do that, I'll tell you everything."
"I can't promise that," Lily said, shaking her head. "I want to, Professor, but- but I know myself. If it's really that bad, I- I'd have to."
"You could have at least lied," Lupin said, shaking his head sadly.
"I know he's my godfather, Professor," Lily said. "I know he was their best mate. I know he was spying on them, but I still haven't gone after him. What could be so bad that would change that, after everything else?"
"He is the reason they're dead," Lupin said, his voice full of venom again, although it wasn't directed at her. "Your parents, they were being protected under a Fidelius Charm. It keeps the location and those under it safe. A single person is made the secret keeper, and they alone can find and tell others where the location and the people it is guarding are."
"And he was theirs?" Lily said quietly.
"Yes," Lupin said gravely, nodding his head. "It took a over a year, but yes. We still don't know why he waited so long. He told Voldemort where your parents were located. And, afterwards, poor- poor Peter went after him. He just wanted to know why. Sirius just laughed. And then he killed him. All we could find of him was a single finger."
Lily wandered the seventh floor halls afterwards, her mind full of thoughts, the broom still balanced on her shoulder. She needed another break, she could tell that much. She needed a lot of things, as a matter of fact. She needed Hermione's Patronus, but she couldn't go down to the common room without telling her why, and that would mean having to retell the whole story. She didn't think she could handle that too many times tonight. Besides, she'd just talk her out of what she had planned.
Eventually, she ran into the person she was looking for, after he finally emerged from the Fat Lady to look for her.
"Took you long enough," Ron said, taking his broom back and leaning it against his shoulder. "We're supposed to play against Ravenclaw soon, Wood's been going mad about it."
"I need to talk to you," Lily said quickly.
"Now?" Ron asked, glancing back at the open Portrait Hole. "it's almost-"
"Now," Lily insisted, pulling Ron into the nearest empty broom closet. She thought she heard the nearby portraits snickering about something, but she didn't care what it was.
"Lily, you aren't losing it again, are you?" Ron said nervously as she lit her wand.
"I need you to help me find Sirius Black," Lily said confidently.
"Oh no," Ron muttered, his face pale. "You really have lost it."
"He's why my parents are dead, Ron," Lily said. "Lupin just told me. He- he was their friend, and he sold them out to Voldemort." Lily said the last word with pure loathing, her face contorting with what she was feeling.
"Why me?" Ron asked. "You could have asked Hermione, or Nev, or-"
"Because you went into the Chamber with me," Lily said. "You were there, Ron, when nobody else was. You would have fought the Basilisk with me, too, if the cave didn't collapse. I want you there, again, when we find him."
"Why?" Ron asked.
"Because I know you won't hold me back," Lily said. "Are you in or not? I need your help, Ron."
"Alright," Ron said, nodding after far too long of a pause. Lily felt her heart lighten; she worried he'd say no. "But how do we find him, Lily? He could be anywhere."
"Leave that to me," Lily said resolutely. "I'll think of something. You should get back to the dorm."
"What are you going to do?" Ron asked.
Relax, Lily thought.
"Probably something stupid," Lily said with a shrug.
It was well after curfew. The castle corridors were almost pitch-dark. The portraits were all sleeping, and a snore occasionally rattled out of the suits of armour. The portraits watched her go by without so much as a hint of alarm. She was, after all, a Prefect.
Penelope Clearwater walked with the confidence of an older girl, one with an actual ounce of authority, humming happily to herself as she neared the Ravenclaw common room. The real Penelope Clearwater would be on patrol near the dungeons, where Lily Potter was supposed to be. Penelope took her notepad from her robe pocket and made a quick note for the other girl to apologize. She did give her word she wouldn't be out after curfew. Oh, well. Hermione should know to expect it, by now.
She'd been walking the castle halls since Lily's meeting with Ron. This wasn't the first time Lily had taken this particular form. The red-haired girl managed to get ten hairs off of Percy's robes, and this was the last one. The Prefect badge came from the room of lost things, out of the Secret Chamber. The Ravenclaw robes were Lily's transfigured to fit Penelope. Penelope's bust in particular was bigger than Lily remembered. That did nothing to help the images that still ran occasionally through her mind.
Penelope turned down the fifth floor, walking as if she perfectly well belonged here. She did belong here. It took weeks of reconnaissance before Lily worked up the nerve to try, even though Penelope had no reason to be worried at all. But this version of Penelope was, unfortunately, limited by the knowledge Lily had, even though she should know much more. Like, for instance, where the Ravenclaw common room was located. She still didn't know how to enter, but she hoped to solve that today.
Unfortunately, somebody called for her just before she could get there.
"Pen!" Percy called happily, jogging forward to catch up, face split in a wide smile. "I was just looking for you. You didn't show up at the normal spot!"
"Wasn't feeling well," Penelope admitted with a tired smile. "I only just now got off patrol."
"I should walk you to the Hospital Wing," Percy said, interlacing his fingers with hers.
"I just need some rest," Penelope said.
"Just to the tower, then," Percy said.
"Just to the tower," Penelope agreed.
"Have you met with Flitwick, yet?" Percy said. "I left Dumbledore a letter of recommendation for the Head Girl spot, just like you asked, but I still think it'd help if you talked to him."
"Flitwick doesn't pick Head Girl, Perce, we've been over this," Penelope said with a tired sigh.
"I know," Percy said, sounding equally tired. "At least you're not being weird about it anymore." It was unfortunate that Percy last had this conversation with this Penelope instead of the real one. The real one had no idea the suggestion was even made, as far as she knew. Perhaps, if she found some more hairs in the common room, she'd go meet with him for her, just to make sure she didn't ruin anything.
"It's alright, really," Penelope said. "Either I'll get it, or I won't. I think I'll have plenty of opportunities without it."
"Sure," Percy agreed with an exasperated scoff, "but if you want to join me in the Department of International Cooperation, then you'll need more than Prefect. Crouch expects a lot from us, he told me himself!"
"You got the job, then!" Penelope said, putting a bit of excitement into her voice. "Oh, congratulations!" Penelope threw her arms around Percy's neck in a tight hug and planted a passionate kiss on his lips. Percy looked confused and happy as they parted.
"I thought I told you this morning?" he said.
"Sorry," Penelope said sheepishly. "I've been feeling under all day."
"Well, I hope you didn't just give it to me," Percy said with a laugh. "Here you are, Pen. Want to meet up for breakfast tomorrow?"
"Sure," Penelope said as she approached the tower door. "Just remind me if you see me in the morning, I might be too tired to remember."
"Will do," Percy said, making sure to stand an appropriate distance away from the common room entrance.
Penelope confidently did the usual knock that she'd observed dozens of Ravenclaws do over the last few weeks and then pulled at the door handle. Unfortunately, she might have been standing too far away, as she'd never seen the door handle speak before, nor heard what it said.
"The more of me you have, the longer your life. The most of me you have, the less you have left. What am I?"
"Right," Lily said as her charade was broken. "Riddles. Of course."
"Alright, Pen?" Percy said. "You're usually gone by now."
"Any chance you know this one?" Lily asked him
Percy just laughed as if that was the funniest thing she said. "You know I'm not allowed to give or hear the answer, Pen."
"Just this once?" Lily asked, batting her lashes at him. "Please? I'm too tired to think, Perce."
"Alright," Percy said, blushing heavily. "Just this once, though, and you have to promise to see Pomfrey in the morning if you're unwell."
"I promise," Lily said as Percy approached and knocked on the door again. Unfortunately for the both of them, the last person Lily wanted to see happened to choose that exact moment to do so.
"Percy?" the real Penelope said as she came up from behind, sounding livid. "What are you doing up here? You were supposed to meet me, not another girl! Who is this, anyway, that you'd-"
Penelope stopped talking as she realized who she was looking at, her (and Percy's) faces instead descending into terror.
"Well, bugger," Lily said a second before legging it.
She took the Invisibility Cloak out of her robes as she moved. Penelope couldn't run anywhere near as fast as she could, and she was deeply regretting this choice in body once the spells started flying at her. One nearly struck her head as she turned the corner, and Lily placed herself flat against the wall, breath held as Percy and Penelope ran straight past her, searching frantically for the intruder. Lily chose the opposite direction to go down, swearing at herself as she made her way down some secret stairs (next to a portrait of Sevilda the Freaky).
"You idiot," she said, nor caring how loud her voice was. "You utter buffoon, what were you thinking?"
"Attention all faculty and Prefects," Dumbledore's voice rang through the castle ceiling. "Seal all exits to the castle immediately. Students, you are required to remain within your common rooms and to remain on your guards. Heads of House, report to your designated areas immediately."
"You moron," Lily continued as she turned a corner. "You tosser, you nutter, you complete waste of space, what in Merlin's name were you thinking, you total fu-"
Lily clamped her mouth shut when she heard voices coming down the corridor, and then ducked through the nearest door, feeling relief when she recognized Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.
"Who's there?" the titular ghost cried out. "Go away!"
Lily opened and closed the door as if that was exactly what she did and then crept carefully and slowly over to her usual spot, taking extra effort not to make a single sound. She leaned quietly against the wall and settled in for a wait, thinking a silent apology to Hermione. Now the girl would be very worried, after an announcement like that. But she wouldn't be gone too long. All she had to do was wait for the noise to pass, so she could get down to the dungeons and-
The entryway opened and a very angry Remus Lupin came through, staring directly at the spot Lily was standing.
"Right," she said with a sigh. "I forgot you had the map."
"You have five seconds to explain why you are out after curfew," Lupin said, his voice a warning growl.
Lily let out a sigh, said a silent farewell to her Invisibility Cloak, and then removed it. Lupin let out a hiss and hurried forward, throwing it back over her before she could even think about what was happening.
"Hazel," he said angrily. "Are you an idiot?"
"Yes," Lily said sheepishly.
"You are to go to my office immediately," Lupin said. "Do not open it for anybody. Do not remove the cloak. Do not allow anybody else to find you. Do not go anywhere else. You will wait for me to return. Understood?"
"Yes," Lily said quietly.
"Then go," Lupin ordered, pointing at the exit.
Lily did as she was told, ignored everything in her way, and went immediately to Lupin's office. Only very briefly did she consider heading towards the common room instead. That seemed like a terribly stupid plan, so she did not go for it. It did take her a while to get there, though. Twice, she had to stop in order to allow a staff member or Prefect to pass her by unnoticed. Once, she had to wait while Percy consoled a very distraught Penelope. That made her regret all her life choices.
Lupin wasn't back yet when she finally made it. His office was empty, not even a fire crackling away in the chimney. He had a sleeping creature in a cage in one corner and a stack of ungraded papers on his desk.
And an open Marauder's Map, the lines and barriers not dismissed, laying over a bunch of books and items. Lily hesitated for a moment, hand hovering over the parchment, as she considered her options.
"In for a penny, in for a pound," she said as she made up her mind and tucked it away into her robes. Worst case scenario, Lupin would just confiscate it again along with her Cloak. Best case scenario, she solved their issue of locating Sirius Black, assuming the man didn't have a way to evade detection on it. She could see no other reason that Lupin would have already failed to find the man.
Lily sat in her usual chair as she waited. She nearly fell asleep during the long lapse, only woken by the effects of her Polyjuice Potion finally wearing off as her clothes became much tighter on her body. She fixed that all up as well she could, although she made it just a tad too large on her normal self. She got distracted by her reflection in Lupin's mirror as she was trying to fix it and went too far.
Her hair was still blonde and straight and shorter than it should be, even though the rest of her body was most definitely that of Lily Potter's. No matter how much she fussed over it, her wand practically digging into her skull, she could only restore the colour and length. The curls she was so accustomed to seeing were completely gone. Sure, she often had issues with things not correcting themselves after a transformation, but they usually corrected themselves within a few seconds of her noticing. But this one remained, even long after the sun began rising, the faint pink light peeking through Lupin's window.
She finally gave it up as a bad job, since this was how her hair was originally before staying with the Grangers, and collapsed back into her seat just as the office door opened and Professors Lupin and Dumbledore entered.
"Morning," Lily said in a very tired voice.
"Good morning, Hazel," Dumbledore said, not at all sounding pleased. "You are still wearing a Ravenclaw tie and robe."
"I didn't see the point in fixing it when it's what I'm in trouble for," Lily said. That, and she decided she really liked how blue looked on her. Why couldn't Rowena Ravenclaw have been the one to create a secret labyrinth that housed a monster?
"And where, pray tell, did you find the robes?" Dumbledore asked, his glasses hanging on the tip of his nose as he lowered himself to stare into Lily's eyes.
"They're mine," Lily said, keeping her memories away from him. "I transfigured them myself."
"And to think Minerva is worried about your performance," Dumbledore said, not looking away. "The Hogwarts crests and colours are not easily changed. How did you manage that? And where, may I ask, did you find a Prefect's Badge?"
"A secret," Lily said. She showed him nothing but the cupboard door.
"Perhaps teaching you Occlumency was a mistake, after all," Dumbledore said with a sigh as he stood to his full height. "I apologize, Remus. It seems you were correct to warn against it. Hazel; I must ask you to tell me the full truth on the matter. You may be stronger than you once were, but you would not be able to resist a full plunge into your mind, and I do not wish to do so."
"Alright," Lily said with a sigh.
"Sirius Black has not entered the castle, has he?" Dumbledore asked. "It was you gallivanting about as Miss Clearwater?"
"Yes," Lily said.
"You are aware that the brewing and consumption of an unauthorized Polyjuice Potion is a severe criminal act?" Dumbledore asked.
"Yes," Lily said, shifting her legs nervously. It was in the book she read, in big letters. She just chose to ignore it, was all.
"Did you have permission from Miss Clearwater to impersonate her?" Dumbledore asked.
"No."
"Did you have permission from Miss Bell and Miss Brown?"
"How did you know about them?" Lily asked.
"You gave up your barrier as soon as you thought you were safe," Dumbledore said with a small smile. "As soon as I asked about Miss Clearwater, I saw their faces flash through your mind."
"Right," Lily said, bringing the door back up.
"What would possess you to do this, Hazel?" Dumbledore asked.
"Does it matter?" Lily asked. "How will knowing save me from expulsion?"
"You are not being expelled, Hazel," Dumbledore said, sounding extremely tired. "Although, by all rights, you should be, the Minister has agreed to forgo pressing charges, provided you turn over the remainder of your potion."
"It's all gone," Lily lied.
"You will need to focus your mind more to fool me, dear girl," Dumbledore said. "A memory as hazy as that is hardly proof of anything but your falsehood."
"Sorry," Lily said awkwardly.
"How many portions remain?" Dumbledore asked.
"Two," Lily admitted.
"You will hand them over to Professor Lupin before you return to your common room," Dumbledore said. "You will also serve a detention every night for the remainder of the month."
"May just started!"
"I will hear no arguments on the matter," Dumbledore said, raising a hand to stop her. "I cannot stress enough how idiotic of a decision this was, Hazel. What possessed you to do such a thing?"
"Nothing," Lily lied.
"Hazel," Dumbledore said in a warning tone.
"I didn't want to be me anymore, alright?" Lily said angrily. "That's it. I didn't do anything strange. I didn't steal anything. I just walked around as somebody else for a few hours. That's all."
"And tonight?"
"I just wanted to see what the Ravenclaw common room was like, I promise," Lily said.
"On tonight of all nights?" Dumbledore asked. "Remus tells me that you refused to promise you would not look for Black after he told you the truth."
"You were supposed to keep our talks a secret," Lily said, staring holes into Lupin's ashamed face.
"I did not say anything else, Hazel," Lupin said. "I only told him that bit when he asked me to look for you. We thought you were in danger."
"Right," Lily said, crossing her arms.
"Hazel," Dumbledore said, placing a kindly hand on her shoulder. "You must understand that everything we've done this year has been for your protection."
"I don't need your protection," Lily said, brushing his hand away. "You should have just told me the truth. It's your fault I'm here in the first place. If I had it my way, I wouldn't have come back at all."
"Be that as it may, Hazel, you are still a student of Hogwarts at this time," Dumbledore said. "You will follow the rules set in place for your own protection. No more wandering around outside of curfew. No more unsupervised brewing of potions. No more studying outside of the common room. No more practicing of spells outside of authorized areas. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes," Lily said through clenched teeth.
Dumbledore sighed. "You are still just a teenager, Hazel. It is time you learned that, sometimes, the things you hate are in your own best interest. You will understand, one day."
"Yes, sir," Lily said.
"I will leave her in your care, Remus," Dumbledore said. "Hazel, you will report to Professor Snape every evening after supper for your punishment."
"You're giving me to him again?" Lily shouted as Dumbledore opened the door. "After everything he's done?"
"Snape is trying to protect you, in his own way," Dumbledore said.
"He was torturing me," Lily spat.
"He was teaching you," Dumbledore corrected. "I know it was difficult, but that is what learning Occlumency entails."
"You didn't see any of it," Lily said. "You didn't see what they did to me, what he did. You have no idea."
"On the contrary, Hazel," Dumbledore said sadly. "I have a very good idea what you have been through, and I will never be sorry enough for it."
"I won't go," Lily said, trying to ignore the shaking in her limbs.
"You will," Dumbledore said.
"I won't," Lily said.
"You won't be forced to resume your Occlumency lessons," Dumbledore said. "Professor Snape believes he has already done as much as he can in that particular subject. You will resume your punishment from prior to the Holidays, sorting the old records."
"I'm not doing it," Lily said. "I'm not spending one more second around Snape then I have to."
"Professor Snape, Hazel."
"No," Lily said with venom. "He doesn't deserve it. He's nothing but a sniveling little coward."
"Hazel-"
"Why is he even here?" Lily asked desperately. "All he does is make everybody miserable. He's Neville's Boggart, for Merlin's sake, and you let the man teach children?"
"Hazel-"
"I'm not going," Lily said. "Snivellous can take his little punishments and-"
"Hazel!" Dumbledore said loudly and with every ounce of authority he could muster, his height drawn to its full power, the lights in the room seeming to dim slightly.
"I'm not going," Lily said, refusing to give in. "You can't make me."
Dumbledore and Lily stared at each other for a long time, the sparkle in his eyes completely gone. Lily considered keeping him out, of not showing any of it. Instead, she let him in, and she showed him every single thing Snape had done over the year, every jibe, every time he made her feel small or powerless, every time he insisted that she was worthless and unworthy of even the smallest act of kindness or love. She let him see the terrible things Snape would say after dragging out her worst memories. She even let him see those, although she hadn't meant to. They simply spilled out with the rest of it.
"Very well," Dumbledore said at least, sounding as if stretched thin. "You will serve your detentions elsewhere."
"I will oversee her punishments, Headmaster," Lupin offered awkwardly.
"I will leave you to it, then," Dumbledore said quietly as he turned. Lily didn't thank him or say another word as he left the room, the door closing softly behind him.
"Can I go now?" she said instead, directing the question at Lupin.
"Your confidence from the beginning of the year has returned, it seems," Lupin said, sitting across from her in his usual seat.
"Can I go now?" Lily asked again.
"No," Lupin said, crossing his own legs. "I want you to tell me why you felt the need to do this."
"I already told you," Lily said. "Can I go now?"
"No, Lily," Lupin snapped. "You don't seem to understand the consequences of today's actions. You are extremely lucky that Dumbledore interceded on your behalf with the Minister. A crime of this magnitude could have resulted in a term at Azkaban, but, instead, the Minister has agreed to keep this off your record completely, to keep it a secret amongst the five of us. You have gotten extremely lucky. This allowance would never have been afforded to anybody else."
"I get it," Lily snapped back. "I messed up. I'm sorry."
"I don't think you do get it," Lupin said, rising from his seat. "Instead of seeming apologetic, you instead rise at the very man who has saved you."
"Dumbledore didn't-"
"Dumbledore is the only reason you remain at Hogwarts, Lily," Lupin shouted. "The Minister wanted you interred in protective custody from the very beginning. He wanted you stored away in the Ministry holding cells, where not a single person could get to you, until Black was caught. That you have been allowed any freedom, that you have been allowed to interact with the people you love, has happened only at the insistence of Albus Dumbledore."
"Dumbledore-"
"Dumbledore wanted you out of school the moment you passed out on the train, Lily," Lupin continued. "Dumbledore didn't want you punished at all when you were caught outside the first time, he understood how miserable you were, but the Governors insisted, and the Minister agreed with them. You think you've kept your transfer to Beauxbatons a secret from him, but Madame Maxime wrote him the moment you applied, and he approved it immediately. Dumbledore only wants to see you happy, but you do him a disservice by behaving as you have today."
"Fine," Lily shouted back. "I get it. I'm sorry. I- I shouldn't have done, but-"
"But?" Lupin asked after a pause, allowing Lily to wipe at her eyes.
"I needed it," Lily said. "I meant what I said. I can't- I hate being me. I just needed a- a break."
Lupin sighed and kneeled down, placing both of his hands on her shoulders. Lily wiped at her eyes again.
"I am sorry about everything that has happened to you, Lily," Lupin said. "Truly, I am. If I could reverse time, I would do everything I could to fix it. But I can't. All I can do now is try to help you as you are, to try to help you find your path to happiness."
"What if there isn't one?" Lily asked quietly.
"Of course, there is, Lily," Lupin said, pulling her into a hug. "But I cannot help you find it if you won't allow me to. I need you to talk to me."
"I'm trying."
"I know," Lupin said. "I know you are. And we'll get there in time. I promise you."
"I'm sorry," Lily said, squeezing her eyes shut as she finally returned the hug.
"Tell me what you can," Lupin said as he finally broke away, taking his seat back. "Dumbledore has already gotten you out of your classes for the day. We have all the time in the world."
Lily stared down at her feet, the fingers on her left hand opening and closing. When she squeezed her eyes shut, she could still feel the pain, hear the sizzling, and smell the burning flesh.
"Deep breaths, Hazel," Lupin said, placing a hand on her knee. Lily took one. She didn't realize she was holding it. "You can tell me. Whatever happened to you, whatever your Aunt and Uncle did, they can't get to you anymore. You're safe now. You have people who love you, who would do anything they could to make you happy."
"I know," Lily said, her voice thick.
"Do you want to go sleep?" Lupin asked.
Lily shook her head and took another deep breath. "No. I- there's- there's something that I want to- to tell you."
"What is it, Hazel?"
"My name's Lily," she said, wiping at her eyes again.
"Lily, then," Lupin said with a smile. "What do you want to talk about?"
"I used to be left handed," Lily said, showing him the unscarred palm.
"Used to be?" Lupin said.
"Yeah," Lily said, flexing her fingers, taking one last, deep breath. "Let me tell you about- about Petunia."