Lily paced around Lupin's office, her throat sore, and her eyes burning as hot as her hand. She wished he'd say something. She felt so stupid talking about this, even though he spent so long trying to convince her to do so. She could tell he thought she was stupid, that she deserved everything she got, if it even happened at all. She refused to look at him, even though she could feel his eyes tracing her path, back and forth, across his quarters, her fingers stretching with each step.
She didn't understand why she told him at all. She wasn't supposed to. It always made everything worse.
"Well, Lily," Lupin said at last, his voice hoarse despite his silence. "That is quite the story."
Lily finally turned to look at him, disappointed to see the sad expression he was giving her, despite it being exactly what she both feared and expected.
He thinks I'm making it up, just like Snape, just like-
Lily clenched her jaw, ready for the scolding to come. She should have known better than to trust somebody with this. She felt just as helpless as she used to, when she was her old, scared self, the girl who just wanted to die every time she slept so she wouldn't have to wake up. She just wanted to trust him so badly. She didn't know how she could keep falling for this.
"Sit," Lupin said, sounding tired. Lily supposed she couldn't fault him for that. The sun was fully risen, the bell long sounding the beginning of breakfast.
"C-can I go?" Lily asked instead. She was surprised by how much hurt showed in her voice. She thought she was finally beyond that, thought that girl was finally gone. But, no, she never was, not truly. She was always there, waiting for Lily to give up, for her to accept her miserable place in this world.
She was worth nothing. She was supposed to have learned that by now.
"Please," Lupin said. "We have a lot to cover before my first class of the day."
"I d-d-don't want t-to," Lily said swallowing hard, trying to send the other girl back inside. "I just- I w-want to- c-c-can I g-go?"
"No," Lupin said firmly. "This is something you need to hear, Lily."
"I'm n-not lying," Lily said desperately, closing her eyes to try and hold back the hot tears. "Please. I'm n-not l-lying."
She heard Lupin rise from his seat, heard him walking across the room to close the distance. She could feel her body shaking. She knew what came next. When Lupin halted right next to her, she shrank into herself, waiting for the blow to come.
Nobody wants you, you freak.
Instead, Lupin pulled her gently into a hug, one hand around her lower back and the other holding the back of her head, her chin resting on his shoulder.
"I believe you, Lily," Lupin said. "I know you're not lying. I just want to speak with you. Will you sit down?"
"N-nobody ever b-believes m-me," Lily cried, clinging desperately to him.
"I do believe you," Lupin said. "I do, I promise. If you need a moment to calm yourself, we can speak after the day's classes are done."
Lily sniffed as they parted, wiping at her messy face with a sleeve. She kept trying to take a deep breath, but the sobs wouldn't stop long enough to allow it. All she could manage was a nod.
Lupin placed two hands on her shoulders, trying to look her in the eyes with a kind smile.
"You will remain in here," he said. "I will see to it that you have total privacy, and I will send food up."
"I'm s-s-sorry," Lily managed.
"It's alright, Lily," Lupin said. "I understand. You have nothing to be sorry over."
"I s-stole the m-m-map," Lily said. She tried to reach a shaky hand into her robe, but Lupin stopped her.
"Keep it," Lupin said, "So long as you promise me one thing."
"W-what?" Lily asked with another sniff.
"Do not go after Sirius alone," he said. "I know I can't stop you from going, but if you promise to fetch me first, I will allow you to come along, and we will face him together."
"I promise," Lily said, finally managing that deep breath she wanted.
"It'd be better for the both of us if neither went," Lupin said, moving away from her, "but, I will admit, it has always been my intention to go after him myself."
"Why?" Lily asked, her voice still shaky.
Lupin turned back to face her with a sad smile.
"At first," he said carefully, "it was simply because I wanted revenge. But, now? Now, I only want to see justice for you."
"Me?"
"Yes," Lupin said with a firm nod. "I have no intention of killing him. Not anymore. I will let the Ministry decide his fate. It will likely result in the same outcome, but it will do you some good to see it happen."
Lily finally took that seat, her legs too unsteady to support her any longer. She still felt restless, like she wanted to move, but there was a strange sense of calm settling in her chest, one that she'd felt only a rare few times before.
He believes me, she realized, although the other girl was trying to convince her otherwise, trying to warn her that some trick was coming, just like always.
She took another deep breath. He believes me, she kept repeating in her head.
Lupin waved his wand at his desk and summoned a platter of eggs and toast, as well as a pitcher of cold milk. Lily didn't hesitate; she was starving, now that she was calmer. Lupin walked to his cabinet as she ate, where he poured a clear liquid into a small cup before setting it in front of her. One more wave of his wand, and the armchair he always sat in was transformed into a small mattress with a single pillow and a thick blanket.
"Eat," he said, "and then sleep. I will return once supper is over. If you wake before then, please, stay here. If you need more food, just toss a pinch of Floo Powder into the fireplace and ask for it. The elves will hear you."
Lily just nodded, chewing on a piece of warm bread, staring at the Calming Draught next to her plate. She knew Lupin expected her to take it, but he didn't bring it up, not even as he closed the door behind him. He was offering her a choice, letting her decide whether or not she wanted the peaceful, dreamless sleep, where others would have forced it down her throat no matter what she wanted.
He believed me.
Once she was done eating, Lily laid down on the provided bed, the cup of potion resting on her chest. She felt gross after her long night of moving and talking. She wished Lupin had left a basin of water, if only so she could wipe off her face and rinse her hair.
But, mostly, she just wanted to sleep. She appreciated the choice, but her mind was racing far too much to sleep naturally. She lifted her head slightly to drain the cup's contents and then set the empty glass on the floor next to her.
The following sleep was the best of her life. When she woke, some unknown number of hours later, she was so comfortable, and so warm, that she fell back asleep immediately, listening to the distant voices of Lupin giving a lecture. The next time she woke, all she did was drink deeply from a cold glass of water right before going straight back to sleep. She woke again sometime after noon, if the amount of light piercing through her eyelids was anything to go off of. That time, somebody was touching her hair, their hand gently brushing against her cheek, the same way Katie had done so many months ago. She felt a smile come over her face, and then she was asleep again.
The final time she woke, the light in the room was far dimmer, and she felt calm and at peace. She snuggled further into her pillow, wanting to return to the land of slumber, but her grumbling stomach kept lifting the fog from the corners of her mind.
The choice of whether or not to wake was made for her, once Lupin entered the room. She didn't move. She just grunted a greeting as he sat the in the nearby chair, her chair, technically speaking, since his was currently a mattress.
"Did you sleep well?"
Lily grunted another response at that, but she allowed a smile to appear on her face.
"I wish I could say the same," Lupin said, sounding weary. "Would you like some food?"
"Yes, please," Lily said quietly.
Lupin transfigured her bed into a couch, so she could recline and eat in relative comfort. Once she was done, he even allowed her to lay back on it while they talked.
Or, rather, while they sat in silence, Lily suddenly feeling too nervous to speak. Now that she had the time to decompress, she really thought she must have revealed far too much. She'd only meant to speak about her hand and Petunia, but she spent hours ranting, and she wasn't entirely sure what she'd said. All she knew was that Lupin now knew far more about her past than she ever wanted to reveal.
And he believed her.
And he was staring back at her, waiting for her to begin speaking, just like he always did, expecting her to continue their new trend. She just wasn't sure if she could.
"I have a gift for you," Lupin said after entirely too long. Lily watched as he reached into his robes, producing a small, leather-bound journal, a fountain pen under the binding. "Or, rather, your punishment."
"I don't get it," Lily said, taking the journal into her hesitant hands. It reminded her of Tom.
"It was an idea I ran by Dumbledore," Lupin said. "I didn't tell him anything you told me, but I asked him to prepare these items for us. You can rest assured that there is no consciousness held in this one."
"You want me to keep a journal?" Lily said. She couldn't bring herself to say the word "diary," as if that would summon Tom back into her life.
"I do," Lupin said.
"I'm not being punished?"
"Not at this particular moment, no," Lupin said with a smile. "You will report to my classroom every night after supper, where you will spend the hour writing about your day."
"I don't get it," Lily said again, eyes flicking between Lupin and the brown book.
"I could tell how terrified you were as you spoke, Lily," Lupin said gently, leaning forward. "When you're scared or stressed, I've noticed you show a stutter, or you otherwise have a very difficult time forming the words you want to say."
"I used to stutter all the time," Lily admitted, her hand running over her name on the leather spine.
"When did it stop?"
"I don't know," Lily said. "After I came here, I think." She paused for a moment longer while she thought. "I still did it around adults, but after I left the- the D-Dursleys- I don't know."
"Try, Lily. Humour me. You'll feel better if you can find the words."
Lily took a deep breath, trying to forget the Dursleys for now. She could do this. She could talk to him. He believed her.
"I could speak to Neville," she continued. "When I lived with him, that first summer. It was awkward, and I was nervous, but I don't remember being scared. Not of him, at least."
"Did you stutter around your cousin?"
"Yes," Lily said. "I did around all the kids. They used to- they used to-"
"Take your time, Lily."
One more deep breath.
"It was bad," she managed, her head pounding. "There was once, where- where Dudley b-beat me f-for-" Lily cleared her throat and took another breath, but it didn't help clear the tightness from her chest.
"It's alright, Lily," Lupin said kindly.
"I wasn't supposed t-t-t-" Lily took another frustrated breath. "I wasn't supposed to t-talk about any of this. It would be w-worse if I- if I did."
"That was what the Dursley's told you?"
Lily nodded and closed her eyes. "I d-deserved a-all I g-g-" She swallowed. "I t-tried to tell someone, once. Back when- when I was e-eight."
"And what happened?"
"They th- they- they thought I was l-lying," Lily said. There was more to it, but she still couldn't bring herself to say the words. This wasn't something she'd forgotten; she just didn't like remembering it.
"Would you like to tell me about it?"
Lily shook her head. This was too much for one day. She just wanted to go back to sleep.
"Then I will finish explaining your punishment," Lupin said. "You are to return here every night, as I said. But I also want you to keep the journal and pen on you at all times. If anything distresses you, or if you really need to think things over, I want you to write in it, to explain things to yourself as clearly as you can. Write about how everything makes you feel. Even if you think the emotion is small and unnoteworthy, I promise you it isn't. You have trouble expressing yourself. I believe this will help you."
"What if somebody sees?" Lily asked. The last thing she needed was for Hermione or Sae, Ron or Neville, to find about any of this, even if it was through somebody else stealing it and telling them.
"Dumbledore enchanted it himself," Lupin said. "The only person that can read from it are you and anybody who you allow. Even he wouldn't be able to gain access. He would need your express permission, which you could revoke at any time. Anybody that does not have it will see nothing but blank pages. When you are done, the words will fade into the page. You need only think about what passage you want to read for it come up again. No need to worry about making a new one."
Lupin chuckled softly as he finished speaking, falling back into silence while he watched Lily stare at it, lost in thought.
Lily ran her fingers over her name on the spine again, thinking deeply, wondering just how much she could trust him. The other girl was getting harder to hear the longer she talked.
He believed me.
"I used to keep one before," she said. "When I was with- with them."
"Did you?" Lupin asked. "That surprises me. I wouldn't have expected them to allow it."
"They didn't," Lily said. "I kept everything hidden under my bed. Pe- she never checked down there. She never- never came into my cupboard at all, unless- unless she was-"
"Where did you get the journals?" Lupin asked. Lily let out the breath she was holding, the tension going along with it.
"Mrs. Figg," Lily said, happy for the distraction. "She used to babysit me, sometimes, when the- when I was alone. Sometimes, she'd give me a new notebook. I liked to draw in them, but sometimes I wrote, too."
"Do you still have them?" Lupin asked.
Lily nodded. "They're the only things I took out when I left."
"What kinds of things did you write about?"
Lily went quiet for a moment. "Everything. Everything I could remember, anyway."
"Even though you have a hard time, now?"
"I don't think I ever really remembered them, even as they were happening," Lily said, "but there were- were certain things that I could. I don't know why."
"And you wrote about them?" Lupin asked. "Despite how much pain it causes you just to think about them?"
"I pretended they were about somebody else," Lily said. "They were all things that happened to me, but- I don't know- it- it helped to pretend that they weren't. That it was somebody else going through it all, and that I- that I wasn't."
"Something you are still doing to this day," Lupin said.
"I'm sorry about the Polyjuice," Lily said, awkwardly shifting in her seat. "I shouldn't have done, I know that, but- I just- I needed it."
"You should apologize to them," Lupin said. "Everyone that you impersonated. Even if you don't tell them what you're apologizing for, you should try."
"They'd hate me," Lily said quietly.
"And that is their choice to make," Lupin said. "But, sometimes, you have to do what makes you uncomfortable. You should, simply because it is the right thing to do. They deserve to know."
Lily considered it. Penelope, she could live with. The girl only had one more year left at Hogwarts, and Lily wasn't even coming back to the school. Thinking that way, it shouldn't matter if Lavender or Katie hated her.
But that thought hurt her deeply inside, scared her down to her core, no matter how much she tried to deny it.
"Why a fountain pen?" Lily asked, twirling the thing between her fingers, desperate for a change in topics.
"Easier to carry with you at all times," Lupin said. "Quills and ink can break mid transit, and they're too inconvenient for this purpose. I want you writing in it frequently, as often as you need to."
"How do I even fill the ink in this thing?" Lily asked, scratching the tip against the parchment in the journal. Nothing came out.
"Try the other hand," Lupin said with a smile.
"Pardon?" Lily asked, her heart skipping a beat.
"Dumbledore enchanted that, too," Lupin said, tapping the pen with a finger, "although I did not tell him what the purpose was for."
"I don't get it," Lily said, the nervousness she was feeling telling her otherwise. She could feel her hand burning again, but she refused to clench it while Lupin was watching.
"The chamber will only fill while you are holding it in your left," Lupin said. "It was wrong of your Aunt to take this from you, to force you into what she wanted, what she expected of you. It is time we fixed it."
"I can't," Lily said quickly, her heart gripped in pain and panic.
"You already favour your left," Lupin said with a kind smile. "I've seen you fly. You steer with it, and you've always used your left to catch the Snitch. You can do this. It will feel natural in no time, I promise."
"You don't- don't understand," Lily said. "I-I'm n-not supposed t-t-to-"
"Lily," Lupin said calmly, placing a hand on her shoulder. "There is one thing I must have you understand."
"I c-can't," Lily insisted.
"What happened to you is not your fault," Lupin said, pulling her into a full hug. "You did not deserve any of this. You did nothing wrong."
"But- I- I-"
"You did nothing, Lily," Lupin said, pulling back, one hand placed against her cheek, their eyes locked together. "Your Aunt had no right to treat you the way she did. None."
"Then why?" Lily asked, her voice thick. "I j-just wanted- w-wanted her t-to- if I d-didn't deserve it, th-then- w-what was the p-point? W-why did sh-she- why did I- why d-did I h-have to- to-"
"I don't know she treated you the way she did," Lupin said. "I have some guesses, but those will do you no good. What matters is that she was wrong. I want you to remember that. Every time you doubt yourself, every time you wonder, just repeat these words: Petunia was wrong."
"I c-can't-"
"She was wrong, Lily," Lupin said. "I want you to tell yourself that every night, before sleep. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of kindness. You did not deserve everything that they did- what she did. Petunia. Was. Wrong."
"Petunia was wrong," Lily said closing her eyes tight.
"You are not stupid," Lupin continued. "You are a brilliant, strong, beautiful girl. Your parents would not have been ashamed. They would have been extremely proud of you, of what you've become. Everything you've done, it would have made them the happiest parents in the world. Saving Hermione, trying to keep Quirrell from the stone, all of it. You earned an Order of Merlin at twelve! Everything Petunia told you, everything she did, she was wrong."
"Petunia was wrong," Lily said again, feeling a bit more confident about it this time. When she opened her eyes, Lupin was smiling at her fondly, a light she'd never seen before in his eyes.
"You are so much more than you think you are, Lily," Lupin said, his voice thick. "That you can get up in the morning, that you can still live and laugh, despite everything you have been through, that proves it. All I want is for you to see that in yourself. You are strong. Petunia was wrong."
"I'll try," Lily promised, clutching the journal closer to her chest. "I promise."
"Good," Lupin said, pulling her into another hug. "I'm proud of you, Lily. I want you to know that."
"Thanks," Lily said, feeling oddly choked up.
"Now, I need to get some rest," Lupin said, breaking away and rubbing at his eyes with one hand. "And you have two very anxious girls waiting for you in the common room."
Lily felt awkward as she walked through the halls alone, her journal tucked safely in her robes. She tried to ignore the stares and whispers she attracted as she made her way downstairs. She only stopped briefly to exchange a few words with Ron and Neville, making their way back from Quidditch practice.
"Feeling alright, mate?" Ron said, a hand clasped to her shoulder.
"Much better," Lily admitted.
"We were worried about you," Neville said. "You never miss Hagrid's class unless you have to."
"Blimey, I forgot it was Wednesday," Lily said. "I wouldn't have spent the whole thing sleeping if I'd known."
"You were sleeping?" Ron asked. "Not feeling well?"
"I suppose not," Lily said, noticing for the first time how much lighter she felt on her feet. "How'd practice go?"
"Miserable," Ron said with a groan. "Sky won't rain, but the wind sure is acting like it. If the weather holds, we're in for a rough match."
"How was Katie?" Lily asked, brushing a hair out of her face nervously. "She doing alright?"
"How would I know?" Ron said. "I was too focused on trying to keep my own broom straight to watch everybody else. Blimey, Lily, I don't know how you do it, all those dives and tackles. How Wood expects us to take the cup, I'll never know. We're just lucky you're out of the running."
"You'll do great," Lily said. "If Lupin gets me back my Firebolt in time, I'll even let you ride it."
Ron's mouth fell open, a high whine coming from the back of his mouth.
"That reminds me, Lily," Neville said. "She came to talk to me after practice ended, while Ron was getting changed."
"Did she?" Lily said, brushing that pesky hair out of her face again.
"Yeah," Neville said. "Asked if you'd meet her in the Astronomy Tower, anytime you want. Said she had something to tell you, but Lavender forgot all about the message. Said Lavender was really mean about it, actually. I don't think they like each other much."
"Right," Lily said with a nervous laugh. "Err- did she say what it was about?"
"Not a thing," Neville said, "but it sounded important. Are you two having a row?"
"No!" Lily said a bit too quickly. "I'm just- err- avoiding her."
"That sounds an awful lot like a row, Lily."
"It's not," Lily said with a sigh. "I'll talk to her, I promise. Lupin wants me to do anyway."
"Is he alright?" Neville asked, finally glancing back at their silent companion, that whine still escaping his throat.
"No," Lily said. "I think I broke him."
"I better get him to Pomfrey, then," Neville said with a sigh. "We'll see you later, Lily."
"Bye," Lily said as she resumed her lonely journey downwards, turning off down a corridor on the second floor to take a shortcut to the Entrance Hall (hidden between two suits of armour, tickle the left one's greaves and a staircase would appear downwards) just so she'd been by fewer people.
The common room was crowded when she finally entered, which certainly did not help her want to remain unnoticed. She kept her head held high as she crossed the room, ignoring each and every person that tried to flag her down. That got harder once Montague and Flint stepped in her path.
"We need to talk," Montague said.
"Now," Flint said.
"Not a chance," Lily said. "You want to get out of my way?"
"It's important, Potter," Montague said.
"Ask me nicely," Lily said, crossing her arms, one finger stealthily tapping her Captain's Badge for some extra authority.
"Not a chance, Potter," Flint said snidely. "Just come with us. Snape needs for something."
"No, he doesn't," Lily said. "He's been avoiding me for weeks."
"Come off it, Potter," Montague said. "Snape won't be happy if you don't-"
"And what do you think will happen when I ask him about this tomorrow morning?" Lily said. "I don't know what the two of you have planned, but I'm not falling for it. Have a detention on the House, each, for trying to trick me."
"Piss off, Potter," Flint shouted after as she walked away.
"And four points from Slytherin!" She shouted back. Lily had to admit; she was nervous when she first got it, but she really liked having the bit of power to abuse.
Lily let out a little sigh of comfort when she didn't see any of the girls in the dorm as she came around the corner. That meant they'd still be studying in the training room, and she could just lay down and get some rest undisturbed. Despite spending all day sleeping, she found she was still very tired. She waved back to a couple of girls (having no idea who they were or why they were being nice), kicked off her boots, and climbed up onto her mattress. She felt like she only had her eyes closed for a few seconds when somebody disturbed her slumber.
"Move over, there, Potter," Sae said as she came over Lily's ladder. Lily scooted over, a look of bewilderment and outrage on her face.
"What do you think you're doing?" she asked, her side pressed against the frame.
"Sitting up here," Sae said nonchalantly, flipping through a magazine. "Waited all night for you to get back."
"I didn't see you in here," Lily said.
"I was brushing my teeth," Sae said, blowing a bit of the minty scent towards Lily just to demonstrate. "Had a long day. Thought I'd get some sleep early."
"Alright, that's fine," Lily said. "So was I, matter of fact. So why are you up here?"
"Because I wanted to," Sae said, flipping another page.
"Since when do you even read Teen Witch Weekly?" Lily asked.
"I always did, Gryffindor," Sae said, rolling her eyes. "It's actually kind of nice. You should try it sometime."
"Why?"
"I don't know, you might like it," Sae said. "Here, look at this dress. What do you think?"
"I think it's lovely," Lily admitted. "Colour is nice, it'd look great on you."
"Thanks!"
"Why are you up here?"
"Because Hermione and I had a little chat after we visited you," Sae said, leaning further away now that Lily had seen the picture.
"You say that as if it explains anything."
"We visited while you were sleeping," Sae said, leaning over to show Lily another very pretty girl wearing another very cute outfit. She was starting to see the appeal.
"Alright," Lily said, leaning closer so they could both read together. "Nice to know Lupin broke his word that nobody would bother me."
"Not his fault," Sae said, "seeing as how he didn't know."
"What do you mean?"
"We came looking for you," Sae said, letting Lily turn the next page. "And we just happened to find you in there. Thought it was strange that you weren't in the Hospital Wing, and McGonagall said you weren't in the Headmaster's Office, so there was really only one other place you could be, all things considered. Did you know Hermione is very good at unlocking doors that aren't supposed to open?"
"No, I didn't."
"Well, that's good, because I'm lying. I'm the one that opened it, she didn't want me to."
"I'm sure that went over well."
"It did once she saw I was right. You want to fill out this questionnaire?"
"No. Keep talking."
"Do you mind if I do?"
"No," Lily said. "But can it wait?"
"I suppose," Sae said, turning the page reluctantly. "Anyway, when we found you, you were having a nightmare. Hermione wasn't sure what to do, since we weren't even supposed to be in there in the first place, but you seemed to calm down when I touched your face."
"That was you?" Lily said. She supposed she just didn't care who it had been. She just remembered it feeling very nice.
"Oh, look at this one!" Sae said.
"They're just boots, Sae." Granted, they went up to the knee and came in all sorts of colours and patterns and contained "pure comfort material."
"But aren't they cute?"
"Yes," Lily said with a sigh. She'd kill for a pair. Thankfully, she wouldn't have to, since there was an order form on the same page.
"I'll get you a pair for your birthday," Sae said with a nod, already carefully tearing it out.
"Sae, please," Lily said. "What are you doing up here?"
"You have nightmares all the time," Sae said, tucking the paper away in a pyjama pocket. "Thought you could use another body next to you. Seemed to help when we were sitting near you, anyway."
Lily felt her face flush, although she didn't think Sae noticed, since her eyes were back on the magazine. Lily tried to focus her own attention back to it, with no use.
"I don't know," she managed to say. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
"I do it for Ai all the time, back home," Sae said. "She has nightmare problems, too. She won't tell me if she's still having them, up in Gryffindor Tower, and her dormmates won't tell me either. But you, I can hear from my bed, almost every night."
"Sorry," Lily said, only blushing deeper. She was sure nobody could hear them. She knew she had them, even though she could never remember them, but not a single person had brought them up in months.
"It's alright," Sae said.
"You don't- err- think it'd be strange?" Lily asked.
"Why would it?" Sae said with a raised brow.
"I don't know," Lily said, looking away. "It just- err- feels like it would be."
"I just said I used to do it for Ai," Sae said. "Besides, Hermione told me you did it for her over the summer."
"She did?" Lily said, scratching the back of her head.
"She expects a full apology tomorrow morning, by the way," Sae said, flipping the page again. "Failure means she'll make you do your own homework for History of Magic for the rest of term. Pomfrey's making her sleep in the Hospital Wing tonight."
"What?" Lily asked. "Why?"
"Girl troubles," Sae said with a shrug. "She was having really bad cramps. Could hardly sit straight. McGonagall made her go during class, from what I heard."
"I'll get her one of those little cakes she likes, that'll make her feel better," Lily said, adding after a pause, "You're not still mad, then?"
"I guess not," Sae said with a sigh. "I thought I would be, but when you didn't come back last night and we both thought Black had gotten you, well- I just didn't want that to be how we said goodbye, you know?"
"It's not all bad, Sae," Lily said. "We can still play Quidditch together over the Holidays."
"I know, Dai already told me," Sae said. "I'll write you with the date once Cedric lets us know. By the way, why didn't you ever tell me you fancied Cedric?"
"Where'd you hear that from?" Lily asked.
"Lily, we all saw you hang onto his hand at the match, and some of the girls are saying he keeps hanging around the entrance to the dungeons waiting for you."
"Really?" Lily asked, feeling genuinely surprised.
"You two would be cute together," Sae said, flipping a page.
"Yeah," Lily said, feeling a little sad. She dug into her robes, intending on setting her journal to the side, but then thought better of it and opened it straight onto her lap.
"What's that?" Sae asked.
"My punishment for sneaking out," Lily said, uncapping the pen and placing it in her left hand. It felt strange. She hoped she'd get used to it. Lupin promised she would. He believed her, so it was time she tried believing him.
"Strange man, Lupin," Sae said, flipping another page. "Snape probably wanted to skin you alive."
Lily grunted her agreement and then got to work, her handwriting sloppy and untested, but still recognizable as her petite scrawl.
04/05/1994
This is weird. I've never done anything like this. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say. I'm just trying to get into the habit. Lupin told me to write about whatever.
Sae is sitting right next to me, still reading that magazine. I don't know if she's actually going to stay the whole night. I both want that and don't want that. To be honest, now that I think about it, I really enjoyed sharing a bed with Hermione over the summer. I remember being very comfortable and warm, and I remember not feeling as tired or restless when I got up. I wasn't waking constantly like I normally do and I missed that when I slept alone at the Burrow, but I didn't know then what I do now. It should be fine. Right? Sae doesn't fancy me. She just thinks I need the help, like her sister. Am I like her sister? That feels weird, too. I have no idea what having a sibling is supposed to be like. Ron fights with his all the time, and I guess I do, too. Are they like my siblings? Would it be weird to ask them that? I'm not going to ask them, it's weird.
Katie is still trying to meet up with me. I don't know if I want to. I do, but I don't. I just want to be normal, but I don't think she does. I think she's going to apologize and pretend so that things go back to normal, but I don't want that, either, even though I do. I miss her, but it feels weird being near her. I don't know what I want. I'm confused. She fancies me, and when she kissed me, I thought it felt nice, but it also didn't. I don't know. I thought this was supposed to make everything easier, but it isn't. I think I feel more confused. Should I tell Lupin? I don't want him to hate me, too. He keeps telling me it's alright but what if this isn't? I just wish I knew why it scared me so much but I also really don't want to know. It'd be a lot easier if she hadn't kissed me. Then I could just keep pretending. I can't do that when every time I see her I feel sick to my stomach.
Cedric fancies me too, apparently. I think everybody expects me to go with it. It'd probably be easier. But I don't know. I thought about it during the match, but it just didn't feel right. Maybe I just have to get used to the idea.
I'll meet up with Katie eventually. I need to apologize to her. I hope I know what I'm feeling by then. I'm going to save her for last, though. Penelope and Lavender come first. They'll be easier. If I can't find Penelope, I'll just apologize to Percy, and have him carry the message for me.
I have the map. I forgot about it, but I can still feel it in my pocket. Lupin trusted me to get him. I don't know if I will. He just wants to capture Black, but that's not what I want. I don't know if I have it in me to kill him, but don't I deserve to try, after everything that he did? Isn't that what my parents would want? He'd probably tell me no, but I won't get the chance to find out, because they're dead and Black's the one responsible for it. Ron said he'd help me. I'll talk to him, see what he thinks. That'll help me clear my mind. Maybe I'll tell him about Katie, too. Fat chance of that.
I finally told somebody about Petunia. I should have mentioned that earlier, but I needed to get other stuff out of the way, first. It felt good. I don't know why, but Lupin was telling me that it would help all along, and he was right. I do feel better. Still bad, but better. I thought I was over my old stutter, but just thinking about them brought it right back. I'll just have to get used to it. Lupin will have more questions. I don't want to answer them, but I'll try to. He probably wants me to write about the memories in here, too, but I'm too tired for that. Besides, I don't want to remember right now. Not with Sae right next to me. I'd probably cry, or at least freak out, which means I'd have to explain it, and I don't want another person to know. It's too much that Lupin knows.
I'm going to sleep, now. Am I supposed to say goodbye? I know I was supposed to for Tom, but he talked. You don't talk, right? You're legally obligated to tell me if you talk. Sorry, I don't make the rules. Hermione will kill me if I don't check.
The lights just clicked off and Sae is hitting me for staying up. I'm leaving. Goodnight?
Who cares? Goodnight.