"Why can't we learn something more exciting?" Ron grumbled. "I mean, really, Flitwick goes and teaches you how to reflect something, you learned how to blow things up on your own, but we're practicing stunners of all things?"
"Ron, we don't officially learn the spell until fourth year," Lily said with a groan.
"Still," Ron said, the scroll rolling between his fingers. "Doesn't seem very exciting, does it, compared to everything else we've done?"
"I don't have the time to teach you anything else, Ron," Lily said. "We're already pushing it with this."
"Oh, no," Ron said, rolling his eyes. "Merlin forbid I have to skip studying for History of Magic. What ever will I do?"
"Oh, stuff it," Lily said. "Look, just practice what I gave you, alright?"
"What's the point?" Ron asked. "I'll never get all this on my own."
"I did," Lily said.
"Yeah, sure, but I'm not you, am I?" Ron said. "I don't see why you can't just help me practice."
"I have been, Ron," Lily said, gesturing to the empty classroom around them.
"All you did was show me what each spell does," Ron said.
"I don't have the time for anything else, we've been over this."
"Lupin doesn't have the map anymore!" Ron said. "You do! He can't find us with it, can he?"
"I suppose not," Lily said, shuffling her feet nervously. "But I promised him I wouldn't be training outside of class time. I'm not even supposed to be looking for Black at all!"
"Lily," Ron said patiently. "I said I'd help you, but if you're not going to help me, then maybe we should just give this whole thing up."
"Fine," Lily acquiesced. "You win. Meet me here after supper. I'll walk you through the spells. But we both need to get to Care, we're already running late."
"Brilliant," Ron said with a wide smile. "I can't wait to learn the Patronus."
"What?" Lily said, head flicking backwards, her hand resting on the knob. "Where did you-"
"Oh, please, Lily," Ron said, rolling his eyes. "Lavender saw you walking around with that otter of yours on your shoulder ages ago, most of the school knows you've done it."
"That's not mine!" Lily said. "I haven't managed it yet."
"Oh, really?" Ron said, rolling his eyes again. "Who's is it, then? Go on."
"Hermione's," Lily admitted.
"Hermione?" Ron said, his face darkening just a tad. "So, you go and teach her something wicked, but not me?"
"I just said I haven't done it, Ron," Lily said. "Hermione managed it on her own. All I did was tell her the instructions."
Ron snorted. "I'm sure you did a lot more than that."
"I didn't!" Lily said, her hand completely off the door, now. "Really, Ron. If I knew how she did it, I'd be doing it, too."
"Well," Ron said in a boasting tone, "I suppose we'll just have to learn together, won't we?"
"Where were you at, Lily?" Hermione asked as Lily sat down across from her for supper.
"Lupin," Lily lied. She'd been telling them that Lupin was giving her extra sessions to cover her secret ones with Ron. She was absolutely certain Hermione would not appreciate the truth. She wasn't sure Hermione was buying it, though. Every time she finished saying the words, Hermione would squint at her, her eyes narrowed as they attempted to find the truth.
Lily suspected her "girl troubles" from the last week weren't those at all, based on the complete look of relief she was given as soon they saw each other the next day. The girl went from green around the gills to lively and peppy, without a hint of whatever illness was supposedly bothering her, and Hermione didn't leave her side a single time that day. It all added up to make Lily feel very guilty, only made worse by her insistence on continuing to hunt for Black. Now it felt like she was betraying the trust of two people.
"That mate of yours ready for his game, yet?" Sae asked between bites of fish, snapping Lily back into reality.
"How would I know?" Lily asked, piling food onto her plate.
"Thought you might have checked in on him," Sae said. "Seen you two around each other a lot more lately. Whole cup depends on him beating Diggory, don't it?" Sae said it as if she couldn't believe the two Houses ended up tied for the cup without them, after Gryffindor smashed Ravenclaw (but just barely not enough to take the cup for good).
"I'm pretty sure he knows that, Sae," Lily said, glancing at Ron. Whenever they weren't practicing spells, he always looked like he was going to faint at the slightest shock. Neville was trying to convince him to eat something, but Ron just kept shaking his head, staring at nothing in particular.
"Speaking of Diggory," Sae said, changing the topic, "I think he's looking over here again." Lily followed her gaze, spotting the handsome boy glancing away from her, a slight flush coming to his cheeks and a smile breaking out as his mates lowered their heads to make their conversation more private.
"You know, Lily," Hermione said quietly. "He's been looking at you a lot, lately."
"Really?" Lily said, pretending. "Haven't noticed. What's he want, do you know?" As she continued watching, she saw his mates looking between the two of them, trying to egg him on.
"I wonder, Potter," Sae said, rolling her eyes. "What could a handsome bloke like Diggory possibly want with a pretty girl like you?"
"You think I'm pretty?" Lily asked, feeling oddly flattered.
"I think you're missing the point, Potter, Diggory's the one who-"
"I'm not hearing a no," Lily said playfully.
"Lily-"
"At least he's not giving you the same looks as Cho," Hermione said helpfully.
"Yeah," Lily said with a sigh. The Ravenclaw girl's glares had been practically murderous lately. "Surprise they haven't killed me yet, considering I smashed their chances at the cup."
"I don't think you have to worry about anybody trying to kill you, Lily," Sae said, rolling her eyes.
"Outside of Slytherin, sure," Lily said.
"Nah, you've got them all beat," Sae said. "Malfoy won't even look at you anymore. Heard some rumours he's planning on transferring schools, although I'm sure it's rubbish. Still, nothing to worry about."
"And I don't think you're worried enough," Lily said, ladling some she-crab soup into a bowl. "I'm the Girl-Who-Lived. Blimey, I'd be surprised if they don't try to bring me to Black themselves, and he'd-"
"That's enough," Hermione snapped suddenly, even startling Lily out of her soup drinking. She was glaring at them as if they'd said something wrong, but when Lily exchanged glances with Sae, she could tell she had no clue what, either.
"Pass me some bread, would you?" Lily said, nudging Sae to break the tension.
27/05/1994
Ron plays Quidditch tomorrow, going for the cup against Cedric. He's looked like complete and utter shite, and if I bring it up at all to him, he gets mad and snaps. I'd hold it against him, but he's dealt with me in fouler moods. Besides, he beat me, I'm sure he'll be fine. His spell work has been really good, though, even with his nerves, and I think it makes him feel better. He managed to produce a barrier with the Patronus charm, way more than I've ever done. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me. I can't even get a glow anymore, even though I feel much better than I did.
I think Sae's right about Cedric. I think he does fancy me. I don't know how I feel about it, to be honest. The way most girls talk about him, I think they'd literally kill for a chance to snog him. I just think he's fun to play Quidditch with. Is that enough?
Exams are around the corner. I don't think I'm ready for them. We're in full revision mode in every class, and except for Charms and Potions, I feel like I've hardly learned a thing. I feel like I'm drowning, but I just don't have the time to catch up. All I can do is cling on to Hermione and hope she can keep both of us afloat. I have no idea what happens if I fail any classes. Hermione keeps telling me that it'll be fine, that I'll do fine, and that Beauxbatons already accepted me, but what if they change their minds? I don't know what I'd do if I got stuck here at Hogwarts without Hermione because I was too stupid to finish the History of Magic exam.
I apologized to Penelope today. Took me ages to work up the courage for it. She did not take it well. She hasn't so much as looked at me since. I don't think she's told anyone else, at least. I think I'd be a lot less popular if she had. Still, though. I thought I could take her hating me, but I feel so bad. She's just so pretty and
How do I erase words out of this thing?
Anyway, I still need to apologize to Lavender and Katie. I thought Lavender would be easy, since we share classes (class?), but every time I try, it feels like my throat closes up, and I just can't get the words out, and then everybody's staring at me like I'm a duffer, and then I get embarrassed and have to walk away without saying a single thing with everybody still staring at me and I'm such an idiot. Normal girls don't get flustered around other girls. I don't want everybody to think I'm a freak, because I'm not. I'm not a freak. I don't know where all that came from. I'm sitting in bed with Sae sitting next to me and my face is burning again even though Sae can't even read any of this but she's still staring at me as if I'm being stupid. Which I am.
Katie's even more difficult to apologize to for multiple reasons. The first is that I can't stop thinking about her kissing me every time I see her and I need that to happen before I can even talk to her or I'll just have the same result as Lavender. The second is that I hardly ever see her, since we're different years and houses. The third is that I think she's just as miserable as I was earlier this year and I don't want to make it worse. She's always so pale and sad and I just want to do something to help her but if I talk to her she'd just get her hopes up and I don't want that, either. I miss her smile. Why did I write that?
I feel stupid. I could help her. I should help her. She helped me when I was down, but I can't bring myself to do the same because I'm scared of her. There, I said it, I'm scared of Katie. I want to kiss her again and that scares me. I do miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss just talking with her, I miss playing Quidditch with her, I miss how soft and warm her hands were, I miss the way she'd tuck her hair behind her ear whenever we were talking, I miss how happy she always seemed to be just seeing me in the same room, and I miss feeling the same way. She'd probably be my Boggart, at this point. Every time I see her walking towards me I panic and make a runner. Thinking about her makes my head hurt and I always feel like I'm going to be sick but I can't stop anyway even though I want to.
Maybe I should just get it over with just so she'll hate me and I can go back to not worrying about her. What do normal girls worry about, anyway?
Probably whether or not Cedric Diggory thinks they're cute. At least I know the answer to that one.
"COME ON, RON!" Lily shouted, pounding against the side of the railing with the rest of the Gryffindors. Sae and Hermione both seemed embarrassed by her actions (although Sae was likely just because she was forced to sit with the rowdy lions).
"Please sit down, Lily," Hermione said for not the first time, pulling on the tail end of Lily's robe.
"GRYFFINDOR SCORES!" Lee shouted. Lily hopped out of her seat again, roaring with the rest of the crowd. "120-110, Hufflepuff! It's still anybody's game, folks, as the two teams battle it out for the cup!"
"GO GO, GRYFFINDOR, GO GO!" Lily screamed, pounding on the sides again.
"Lily, they're supposed to be our rivals," she heard Sae said, but she ignored it, letting out another whoop as the Chasers whizzed by, tossing the Quaffle between them. Lily could have sworn she saw a smile on the face of Katie Bell, but the Chaser was far too preoccupied to lock eyes with a blurry member of the crowd.
"GO, KATIE!" Lily shouted, swearing she saw Katie's head turn towards her, ever-so-slightly, but then the Chaser girl dove, hands closing around an almost fumbled Quaffle while the crowd groaned and then cheered, the formation flying towards the goalposts.
"Angelina passes to Alicia, Alicia to Katie, back to Angelina, back to Katie- KATIE SCORES! 120-120!"
"Lily!" Sae said suddenly, standing to her feet, looking eager. Lily matched her smile, having already spotted the two diving forms and the gold glittering below.
"WEASLEY AND DIGGORY HAVE SEEN THE SNITCH!" Lee shouted, the tension in the stadium reaching a palpable level as both the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs cheered and, suspiciously, the voices of the Slytherins were added to the mantra of the lions:
"GO GO, GRYFFINDOR, GO GO!"
"COME ON!" Lily shouted, almost feeling like she could cry.
Ron and Cedric both raced next to each other in a furious dive, their arms outstretched as they leveled out, Ron slightly behind. Lily pulled at her hair, Sae screaming next to her, her hands gripping tightly to Lily's side as their eyes followed the Seekers, both loudly praying and swearing.
Cedric grasped out first, his hand closing, and Lily felt her heart drop, even as he grabbed again, still clinging to empty air. Then Ron shot forward, his broom faster than Cedric's, with a wide, terrified look on his face. He heaved his entire body forward, reaching out with both hands, and spilled from his broom, the Gryffindors screaming and crying. Lily just shouted her praises, felt the tears coming on, even as Sae looked horrified. They'd all realize soon enough, though; she saw the gold glint in Ron's hand as he tumbled.
Ron hit the ground hard, but Lily had no time to feel sympathetic. He immediately rolled to his feet thrusting both hands into the air and letting out a guttural scream of victory. Finally, the rest of the stadium caught on, and Gryffindor roared back their approval at him, their jubilation shaking the rafters. The rest of the Gryffindor team quickly gathered around Ron, hugging and crying with him, Oliver Wood in particular completely besides himself, his face contorted in happy sobs.
28/05/1994
Ron did it! He took the cup! I can't believe it, he was brilliant out there! I really wanted to congratulate him, but Gryffindor carried him out on their shoulders, and we could hear their party way down in the dungeons. I had to take a break, go out for a stroll around the grounds. Had to sneak away so Hermione couldn't find me.
Katie was brilliant out there, too, I shouldn't have been worried about her at all! She must have just been nervous about the game, just like Ron. Merlin, they all must have been! This was Wood's last chance at the cup. I'm really happy he got it, in the end. I felt bad that I could never get it done myself.
I shouldn't lie to this thing. What's the point?
I came out to the Lake by myself. I thought Katie would come down here to relax or maybe just because I'm down here and she'd want to see me. I don't know. I know she told me to go to the Astronomy Tower, but that would mean I'd definitely see her, whereas here there's a chance I won't. I don't know. Merlin, why am I so stupid about this?
Lily set down her pen and leaned her head back against the bark of the tree, letting out a frustrated sigh. The sun was trickling through the green leaves above, a cool breeze coming off the surface of the lake.
"Just go talk to her!" Lily shouted to nobody in particular. Not a single soul was outside right now. They were either celebrating in the Gryffindor Tower or studying for the upcoming exams in the library or common rooms.
"Just go!" Lily said, tugging at the hair on the sides of her head in frustration. She didn't understand why she had to be this way. She wanted to see Katie, that was why she came down here, but she was still hoping to completely avoid her.
Lily tucked her journal away and walked slowly over to the boulder they moved out of the lake, running her hand over the reliefs from the previous two years. She still needed to figure out what this year's was going to be. She made both the carvings herself, right after learning the spell from Katie. Katie, who spent all that time helping her study for Transfiguration, who let her nap with her head in her lap, who always smiled and laughed and who liked to just be around her because she was Lily.
"Fine," Lily said. "Fine!"
And then she was running back up to the castle. Just as she hoped, the castle was empty, not even the professors bothering to police it on this most glorious of days. All she had to greet her on her sprint upstairs were ghosts and portraits, neither of which bothered to slow her down. Only one person would ever dare to stop her in her quest, and she unfortunately ran into him on the fifth floor.
"Lily!" Percy snapped. "No running in the halls!"
"Sorry," Lily said, sheepishly slowing to a walk. "I was just- I wanted to go congratulate Ron, is all."
"Yes, I suppose so," Percy said, a certain strain to his voice. "The password is Quidditch. Fat Lady got in the spirit, it seems."
"You're giving me the password?" Lily said, genuine surprise most certainly showing on her face.
Percy gave her a thin smile. "Somebody deserves something nice, today. Might as well be Ron."
"Are you alright, Percy?" Lily asked carefully. It wasn't like him to let her go without deducting points and even help her out.
"Of course I am," he said, trying to puff out his chest. "We took the cup, didn't we? Even won my bet against- against Penelope."
"Oh," Lily said, watching as his façade of confidence crumpled, watching as he slumped against the wall and slid down to the floor.
"Go on, Lily," Percy said, waving her off. "Go have fun. I just need a moment."
Lily took one step forward, really looking forward to seeing Katie's smile again, thought better of it, and then joined Percy on the ground, placing an arm gently around his shoulders.
"I'll go in a bit," she said with a kind smile. "They can survive without me for a little bit."
"You're sure?" Percy said, seeming like he was both uncomfortable with her proximity and comfort and like he very desperately wanted it.
"What happened?" Lily asked.
"She broke up with me," Percy said, taking a moment to swallow the emotion down out of his voice, staring down at his nails (which must have suddenly become very interesting).
"Really?" Lily asked. "I thought you two were cute together."
"Right, well," Percy said. "She wouldn't tell me why. She just- I don't know. She just did it. Said it had to do with my family being a bunch of nutters."
"Oh," Lily said sheepishly.
"It's alright," Percy said, sounding more confident. "She's wrong about them. I just- I didn't know she had it in her, I suppose. Came as a shock."
"I think it's my fault, Percy," Lily found herself saying.
"What do you mean?" Percy asked. "You've had your issues, sure, but you're nice, I'm sure she didn't mean anything by you. It was probably Fred and George. They've been teasing me since they found out, it was only a matter of time before they tried her, and she's not used to them."
"Fred and George didn't do anything," Lily said quietly, "but I did."
"What did you do?" Percy asked, moving out from under her arm, sounding very suspicious.
"I'm sorry, Percy," Lily said as he stood, keeping her gaze on the ground. "I- really, I didn't mean anything by it, and I didn't do anything strange, but- well-"
"Well, go on, then," Percy said once she paused.
"It was me," Lily said, her face going completely red. "I was the Penelope you were walking with a few weeks ago, not Sirius Black. I made Polyjuice Potion and took her hairs off our robes. I just wanted to see what the Ravenclaw common room looked like, honest. I didn't do anything, but I told her what I'd done because Lupin said I should, and she didn't take it well. I'm sorry."
Percy was silent for a long time before Lily finally found the strength to look upwards. What she never expected was the complete look of anger and shock that he was wearing. She thought he'd be mad, sure, but he was looking at her as if he was completely disgusted, his face completely red and his mouth hanging open, occasional noises of disbelief coming out.
"Sorry," she said again.
"Ten points from Slytherin for running through the halls," Percy finally said.
"Sorry."
"Go back to your common room," Percy said as he stormed off.
I shouldn't have told him. That was stupid. He wasn't even on my list.
Lily scanned the inkblots on the map, yawning, her face stretching tight from the effort. It was getting far too late, but she couldn't give up yet. It was nearing the hour when Black last broke in, and she was hoping he'd make a habit of it. She had her Invisibility Cloak laying under her stomach, just in case. Several times she almost passed out. She was only saved by her head falling out of her cupped hand, startling her awake each time.
Sae isn't sleeping with me tonight. I told her not to because I wasn't feeling well, didn't want her to catch it. I just wanted to be alone. I've been laying in bed all day, ever since Percy snapped at me. He hates me, I just know it. I messed it up. Katie and Lavender would hate me too. I'm not going to tell them. I was stupid to think it'd be alright.
Lily set her pen down and leaned back to look at her reflection in the glass. If she looked very carefully, she could still make out the map, with the inkblots next to it. She still had it open to Gryffindor Tower, where she was watching Katie's sleeping form. She didn't know why she was doing that. It just made her feel slightly better for giving up on her plan.
Lily rubbed at her eyes, stinging from staying open far too long. Maybe it was time to give it up. She and Ron still hadn't figured out a way to communicate with each other during the night, anyway. She had no way of calling him if she did find him. She was still working on a solution, but the charms were far too advanced for her to figure out in the time at school that remained to them.
Lily let out another sigh and then tucked her journal and pen between the frame of her bed and the mattress, where they'd stay safe until she woke up. She thought about doing the same for the map, but she wasn't sure she wanted to sleep, yet. She didn't much fancy being alone with her thoughts, at the moment.
Lily rubbed at her eyes again and then flipped over a panel of paper, deciding she'd check another section of the castle. Black wasn't going to the seventh floor tonight, she was fairly confident of that. She scratched at the side of her nose as she searched. She passed a few members of staff. Lupin was chatting with McGonagall. She tried not to think that it must be about her, and then she moved on to the fifth floor. She'd one, quick scan of the castle, and then she'd go to bed. She didn't see anybody else until the fourth floor. She almost moved on past it, paying it no mind, but then she stopped, her brow furrowing.
Lily stared at the inkblot for a long time, wondering if she'd dozed off, because it made absolutely no sense whatsoever. The map couldn't show dead people. None of the ghosts were ever on it, she was absolutely positive of that.
"Peter Pettigrew," she mumbled to herself. She heard Elsie shift in the bed below her, but otherwise no signs of the girl waking. She glanced over at Hermione's bed, to make sure the girl was still asleep, then over at Sae's, where the girl was snoring, and then she made up her mind.
It wasn't Black, but she had to check it out. She couldn't just leave it. But since it wasn't who she promised for, she could do this by herself, without notifying Professor Lupin. It was probably nothing, anyway. Some mistake with the map. She threw her cloak over herself and then climbed down as quietly as she could, hoping Elsie would only assume she was heading to the loo if she woke at all.
Lily crept out of the common room as quietly as she could, happy for her Night Vision Charm. She kept her wand at the ready, just in case she needed to dismiss it at a moment's notice. She was not getting blinded again. It wasn't happening.
The dungeons were cold as ice. Lily found herself shivering as she snuck through them, making her way towards the Great Hall. She had to keep reaffirming her grip on her wand; despite the low temperatures, her hands were slick with sweat. She paused at the doors, waiting for Filch's dot to move where he wouldn't be able to see or hear them open.
Lily crept up the stairs as quickly and quietly as she could, leaning against the cold castle walls every time she had to wait for a professor or a prefect to pass. Two times, she thought she'd been caught. Once, when her toe popped and Professor McGonagall stared at the spot, wand raised, for what felt like an eternity. Twice, when she tried to pass by Professor Lupin and he stopped right next to her, sniffing the air and looking around, his eyes narrowed. He finally moved on, though, heading in the opposite direction Lily needed, although still on the same floor. She tried not to let herself feel too relieved and she hurried off. It would have been easier if Peter stayed on the floor she saw him on, but he kept moving, somehow going upwards through the ceilings as he climbed. He had to be a ghost. Maybe they could allow themselves to be seen, and he was, for whatever reason?
She wasn't far, now. Her eyes kept scanning her surroundings, examining everything in the dull green of the Night Vision Charm. She flinched every time she saw movement, but it was almost always a portrait or painting yawning, stretching, or otherwise feigning signs of life. Lily double checked the map. Peter Pettigrew was in the next hallway, he just went into an empty classroom. Lily hurried after him, not wanting whoever it was to get away.
The door was locked when she tried it, the latch making far too much noise for Lily's liking. She saw Peter's dot freeze inside, probably looking for a way to escape. Lily glanced down the hallway, both ways, but didn't see anybody. She touched the tip of her wand to the door.
"Alohamora," she whispered, the sound piercing the quiet of the hallway. She heard the door click, and she hurried inside, closing it tight behind her, her eyes scanning the room.
There was nobody in here. She saw a rat sitting on the windowsill, saw it jump and dart behind a bookshelf, but there was no sign of a living person or, even, a dead one. Her eyes flit downwards to check the map again.
Peter Pettigrew was in the room next door to her, on the other side of the far wall. She stared at the stretch of stone, walking quickly over to it. When she pressed a hand against it and pushed, it didn't budge at all. She checked the map again, just in time to see Peter Pettigrew pass through another wall, going into another classroom.
Lily turned around to give chase, checking the map again as she neared the door, and then froze in place. Lupin was coming down the hallway, walking quickly and with purpose. She moved to the windowsill, leaning against it, waiting for him to pass, eyes glued to the map so she wouldn't lose Peter.
Lupin paused outside the door. Lily made a silent prayer that he'd keep walking, but then she heard the door click and saw it swing open.
Lupin stepped into the room, his wand raised, his movements and gaze sharp as he checked the room. She almost let out a sigh of relief when he passed over where she was standing, but she just caught herself.
Lupin moved further into the room, his eyes darting around the place as he looked for movement. Lily wished she'd had the sense to lock the door behind her. Lupin must have been checking every door.
"I'll only give you the one warning," Lupin's voice rang out, Lily barely resisting the urge to jump. "Show yourself, now."
Lily started edging closer to the door, moving more carefully than she ever had before, taking extra care not to make a single noise. She wished she knew some sort of spell to dampen them, or, Merlin forbid, even knew how to cast silently. She was almost to the open door when Lupin seemed to realize his mistake, waving his wand to close it with a snap, the lock clicking shut. Lily stared at him, her heart beating quickly, and wiped a bit of cold sweat from her forehead.
"Last chance, Lily," Lupin said, scanning her side of the room. Lily knew the game was up, and she crammed the map into her inside robe pocket as quickly as she could.
"How'd you know it was me?" she said, hoping it would drown out the noise.
"I smelled your perfume," Lupin said, lowering his wand and gazing at where she stood invisible. "I thought I smelled it before, too, and imagine my surprise when it showed up again right outside an empty classroom."
Lily let out a little sigh of frustration as she took the cloak off.
"Sorry," she said sheepishly.
"Come with me," Lupin said. She could hear the slight tone of anger in his voice, and she didn't argue.
Lupin led her straight to his office, Lily feeling extremely thankful that they didn't run into any other staff members on their way. Lupin shut the door firmly behind the two of them, and Lily didn't dare make herself comfortable. Whatever she was about to get, she was sure she deserved it.
"Why?" Lupin asked simply, shaking his head. Lily felt horrified that he sounded more disappointed than angry.
"I wasn't going after Black," she said quickly.
"Don't lie to me, Hazel," Lupin said, his lips forming a tight line. "You promised me you would get me if you saw him. Why?"
"I wasn't!" Lily said. "I was- I was looking for someone else."
"Who?" Lupin asked, crossing his arms.
"Peter Pettigrew," Lily admitted quietly after a very long pause.
"Peter Pettigrew is dead, Hazel," Lupin said with a tired sigh. "You'll have to think of a better excuse if you want to-"
"I know he's dead," Lily said, "But I was looking for him."
"Why would you look for a dead man?" Lupin asked. "Why would you be on the third floor to do so? How could you possibly expect me to believe this?"
Lily tried not to let the hurt she was feeling show on her face, although she could feel her hands shaking slightly. He was supposed to believe her. She thought she could trust him. But, no, of course he didn't believe it, he just caught her.
"I saw him on the map," Lily said at last. Lupin stared at her for a awhile, his eyebrows furrowing together, his mouth drooping into a scowl.
"When?" he asked.
"A while ago," Lily said. "I was looking for Black, I couldn't sleep, and then I saw him on the fourth floor, I think. And then he kept going up, and I followed him up here, to this room, but he got out, somehow."
"Peter Pettigrew is dead, Lily," Lupin said. "I saw his remains myself."
"I know," Lily said, "but, I- I don't know, I thought it might have been a- a ghost, or something."
"The map cannot show ghosts," Lupin said. "We never figured out how."
"Then it must have been a mistake," Lily said.
"The map does not make mistakes," Lupin said with a smile. "I made sure of that myself, Lily. Not once has it ever shown anybody that was not there."
"But-"
"You must not have seen correctly," Lupin said, glancing at his clock. "It's nearly dawn. Have you slept at all?"
"No," Lily said, feeling a bit angry. "I just told you I couldn't. I know what I saw."
"Lily-"
"I know what I saw!" Lily said a bit too loudly. "He was there! I didn't imagine it! I'm not lying!"
"I know you aren't," Lupin said quickly. "It was a poor choice of words, and I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't have lied about this. But it wasn't Peter, Lily. I promise."
"Then you take it," Lily said, whipping the map from her pocket and tossing it at him. "If you think I'm too stupid to read it myself, you do it, you'll see him, he was there."
"I didn't say that, Lily," Lupin said, sounding extremely tired.
"You didn't have to," Lily said. "I know that tone, it's how everybody talks to me. You don't believe me, you think I'm making it all up, that I'm just- just doing this all for attention. Well, I'm not. I saw him. I'm not-"
"Lily," Lupin said gently, two hands placed on her shoulders. "I need you to-"
"Don't tell me to calm down," Lily said pushing him away. "I saw him! He was in that room, but when I opened it, there was only a stupid rat, he must have-"
"What did you say?" Lupin said, his face going pale.
"I said there was a rat," Lily said. "But, listen, Peter, he left through the wall, he's got to be a-"
"A rat?" Lupin said, grabbing her shoulders again. "You're certain of that? You saw a rat?"
"Yes?" Lily said, now feeling very confused. Did he believe her or not? What did a rat matter?
"That's impossible," Lupin mumbled, moving away, his hand scratching his chin as he began to pace.
"What's it matter if there was a rat?" Lily asked. "Hogwarts is full of them. Filch had me in a detention just last term helping him catch them."
"Yes," Lupin said. "That was it. It must be. He was- no, that doesn't make any sense, why would he- he couldn't-"
"Professor?"
Lupin looked back at her as if he'd forgotten she was there, a manic look in his eyes that scared her, as if he was unfathomably angry and it was entirely her fault.
"To your bed, Lily," he said with a warm smile that didn't reach anywhere near his eyes. "And I'll be keeping a hold of the map for now. To keep an eye out for any more ghosts."