"I can't do this, Arizona!" Callie said in a shaking voice, "I thought I could… I could start over with you…that we could do this, but I can't… am…am sorry."
"Callie, please listen to me… you are scared, I know… but please don't do this… we can work on this… whatever issues are there, we can work on it, and we can move forward to the better future" Arizona pleaded "that's what we decided right?" Arizona said, taking Callie's hand in her own
Callie snatched her hand away. "NO! … I don't want to… I don't want to live like this… not anymore… You are suffocating me… so leave me the hell alone…." With that, Callie left Arizona apartment, slamming the door behind her, and all Arizona could do was stare at the closed door with a broken heart and teary eyes.
…
Beep Beep Beep!
The alarm blared from the nightstand, and Arizona woke up with a start with a heaving chest and sweaty forehead.
"It was just a dream…. Just a dream," Arizona repeated to calm herself down.
She looked at her phone on the side table and saw two messages from Callie.
Callie: Arizona! Please talk to me. At least tell me what is wrong. Did I do something?
Callie: I guess you are sleeping. Would you please call me once you wake up? We said we would talk and we wouldn't hide from each other like this. Please, speak to me… tell me what is wrong.
Arizona felt terrible, really bad for Callie. "She doesn't deserve this." Arizona Thought, "But I don't know how to say this, and I don't know what to tell her. Oh, Callie, I am sorry for making you go through this."
…
Last Light
"It was great dinner… that pasta carbonara was ... Ah-mazing," Callie said.
Arizona nodded her head, handing over the glass of red wine to Callie "oh and that chateau Lafite… mmm."
"We should go to the fancy restaurant more often… on our dates... what do you say?" Callie said with a mischievous smile.
"Sure, and kiss Sofia's college fund goodbye," Arizona said, laughing.
"Meh! She'll get the scholarship… after all, she is the daughter of 3 top-class surgeons," Callie said cocking her eyebrows.
"Of course," Arizona said, nodding and laughing. "If her parents decide to go to fancy places for dates… she will have to get the scholarship.
"True that," Callie said, nodding. "No pressure Sofia but you have to have a scholarship cause mommies like fancy things," Callie said, laughing.
"Good thing Stefan had his connection, though," Arizona said. "I would've hated to stand in line otherwise."
"Yeah! Speaking of which…." Callie said in a sober tone, "I Am sorry for what happened in the restaurant; apparently, Clyde never told our history to him, and clearly, he can't handle his alcohol." Callie said with a nervous chuckle.
"it's okay," Arizona said almost in a whisper ", never mind that"
They sat in silence for a while; both lost in their thoughts.
"Callie- "
"Arizona- "
Both said together.
"You go", Arizona Said.
"Did you mean what you said there?" Callie asked quietly "umm… about regrets."
Arizona breathed heavily and said, "Callie, first I wanted to say, I am so deeply sorry for breaking your trust and heart…." Callie looked at her with sad eyes. "You gave me nothing but love and patience, you supported me when I was at my lowest, and in return, I betrayed your trust. But believe me, when I say this, it was never my intention to hurt you," Arizona said with an apologetic face.
Callie nodded slightly but kept quiet. After a few seconds of pondering, she said, "Can I ask you something?" Arizona nodded. "Why did you do it?... I thought we were happy… I thought I was making you happy… I thought I was…. Enough"
There was hurt and the hint of sadness in Callie's words which broke the blonde's heart. "No, Callie… you were! you were and always are more than enough for me… for anyone… you are kind and loving…it has nothing to do with you… it was not something you did it was- ". Arizona voice trailed.
"Well? What was it then" Callie said with desperation in her voice, "Over the years, I thought about that day repeatedly…I tried to understand you…I tried to understand the situation… but I never could; I can't think of anything that made you fall in someone else's arms." Callie's eyes were brimming with tears which brought tears to Arizona's eyes as well.
"Well!?" Callie demanded a little loudly when Arizona didn't respond.
Arizona cleared her throat. "I don't know what to tell you, Callie… I don't know if what I tell you would make any sense to you?"
"Try me!"
Arizona took a deep breath. "Alright! Whatever I am gonna tell you, please don't think of it as an excuse… I am not giving any excuse for my infidelity… I am just trying to make you understand my mental state at that time." Callie nodded in agreement
Arizona took a deep breath before saying, "You know, after the accident, I was very insecure about my body, not only my leg but about my every scar… I tried to come out of my insecurities, but I couldn't. No matter how many times I tried, I couldn't see myself like I was before. It took me months before I could look myself in the mirror, let alone get comfortable with you. I hated my body, and all my energy went into convincing myself otherwise. I chastised myself over and over again, and I used to have an internal debate over this… I would shout on myself to get up and walk tall, if not for me, then for Sofia or the sake of my marriage. But nothing used to work." Arizona's voice cracked a little, reliving those memories of self-loathing.
"I was at the rock bottom, and I couldn't see a way up. I felt that no one would ever find me attractive, no one would ever think of me as a beautiful woman… no matter how petty it sounded… no matter how immature, teenager-like this thought was… but it was there, and it was killing me."
"You remember when you were pregnant with Sofia, and around 22 weeks, you used to push me away whenever I tried to get intimate with you?" Arizona said, turning her face towards Callie.
"Yes, I used to feel fat and ugly", Callie replied
"Exactly, so when I lost my leg, the last person I wanted to see me naked was you. I knew that if I see even a little bit of disgust in your eyes for me, I won't be able to bear that."
"Arizona! I would have never," Callie said in complete shock. No matter what, Callie could never be disgusted by Arizona. For Callie, Arizona was the most beautiful person inside out, so 'disgust' was a feeling she could never have for her in a million years.
Arizona nodded and looked towards Callie lovingly. "Of course you wouldn't have, you are an amazing human being, you won't be disgusted even by a stranger, let alone your wife… but for my sick brain, this seed of self-doubt was spurting and spreading its roots every second. For me, one wrong look from you had the power to destroy me, and like most of our patients, instead of talking to you about it, I let that doubt consume me, and suddenly, I was a person who was incomplete, unattractive, a person whom none can love."
"BUT I DID!" Callie said loudly, emphasizing on 'I' "I loved you, with all my heart and soul, I loved with each scar of yours… I never thought that you were any less beautiful… I Never for once not felt attracted to you."
"I know, sweetie, I know… You were great with me and still are, but you know what they say – we start taking people who are close to you for granted. I was mad at you for letting them cut my leg – "Callie huffed in frustration.
"- I know that wasn't your fault; I was crying and begging you, and to calm me down, you made that promise… I am not saying it was your fault… but I guess it was easier to project my anger on you than on me… I needed someone to take the blame for what happened, and you happened to be the person who was with me the whole time. It was nobody's fault, but I so desperately wanted it to be so that, maybe just maybe, the pain of my loss would reduce a little. I pushed you away for months and never realized what I was doing until-" Arizona said, taking a deep breath, "-Baily's wedding! The day you told her to run… That day I realized that I was pushing you off the edge, and if I don't get my shit straight, you will run away from me.
Callie shook her head desperately. "I would have never-"but Arizona interrupted
"I know, you are not the person who will just run away… but Callie, you also had your limits… we are …ahem… were married… it comes with certain obligations and needs. Again, I know you never expected anything from me but believe it or not, the thought that you might leave me, made me push through my insecurities a little." Arizona said calmly with a smile.
"I understand all that Arizona, I can't even comprehend what you must have gone through… it was the most difficult thing to push through from, and you did… so bravely… You came back to me … and we were happy again, weren't we? Callie asked, and Arizona agreed with a small smile. "Then why?"
Arizona got up from the couch to stand next to the window, looking at the moving cars for a moment or two, contemplating the question before answering, "We were so happy, and for what it seems, I was getting my confidence back, especially after getting that prosthetic, which looked like a real leg, that day, I found my footing literally and figuratively. It marked a beautiful spin in our relationship as well," Arizona said, turning towards Callie with teary eyes mirroring Callie, both reliving the day they reconnected on a physical level. "Everything was good again, my life, my job, my family… almost everything was beautiful and complete… Almost!"
Callie looked towards Arizona with a confused expression but didn't interrupt "even after regaining my concrete confidence, there was still a corner left which had a little crack in it. Even I was unaware of that until I met… Dr Boswell" Laurens's name left a bad taste in Arizona's mouth, and for what it seems, Callie didn't enjoy hearing that ungodly name either.
"I never knew that I had that insecurity because, with you and Sofia in my life, I never needed anyone or anything. I didn't need any validation from strangers about my body because you used to look at me like the most beautiful woman in the world. But Lauren hit the hammer right at that weak corner of my confidence when she said that she knows about me and my accident."
"She knew everything about me and was still interested, that day I felt like I still am what I used to be… again I Know it was petty, but at that moment we were there, and she was looking at me like people used to look at me before my accident, or you know before we were in a relationship… and I know I shouldn't have cared what other people thought of me, but at that moment I did, and it gave me my confidence back."
Callie felt irritated. "Arizona, you got your confidence back by cheating on me," she said harshly but instantly regretted her tone.
Her words felt like slaps on Arizona's face, but she didn't retaliate. "Callie, like I said, I am not giving excuses… and no matter how horrible it sounds but yes, it gave me my confidence back, and I so wished it was something else and not my betrayal, which restored my confidence in my body, but unfortunately, that incident happened and took everything from us," Arizona said with suppliant eyes and continued.
"I know you were there, and you loved me, but that's the thing you already loved me… you used to love me before my accident, so for you, I did not change only my body did… internally you knew I was the same old Arizona whom you fell in love with and married…but as the third person she didn't… she was a stranger who only knew about my work and my accident… her interest in me was only physical and not spiritual like yours… so when she showed her interest, it gave me hope that I am still physically desirable."
There was silence for a while; Callie was analyzing the whole conversation. After a few seconds, she said in a meagre voice, "Did I never make you feel desirable?"
The vulnerability in Callie's voice broke Arizona's heart. She quickly knelt in front of Callie, lifted her chin and took her face with her hands. "Don't ever say that. You always made me feel desirable and attractive… the way you used to look at me gave me butterflies in my stomach. You were supportive and understanding, and patient even when I was horrible to you. You were the one who pulled me out of my depression, and you were the reason I got up every morning... You gave me my will to live again...so, never underestimate yourself. But…"
"I get it," Callie said, interrupting Arizona. "I won't say that I fully understand because let's be honest, I have never been in this situation, so maybe I won't be able to grasp the intensity of what your mental state was completely… but I get it, and I believe you that what you did was not because you were unhappy with me or you wanted to hurt me, or because you resented me for not losing anything in that crash."
"Believe me, Callie, I didn't do it because I was unhappy… you make me so …so happy Callie… and I know I said some harsh things that night, but I know you lost as much we all did… and I am sorry I wasn't there for you when you were grieving Mark… I should have…I wish I could erase that chapter from our lives... that destroyed everything... I never want to hurt the person I love the most in the world," Arizona said sadly.
"Lov-ed," Callie said in a whisper
"Sorry?"
"Ahem… you said love… you never want to hurt the person you LOVED the most in the world", Callie explained "right?" she added meekly.
Arizona didn't realize what she said earlier "oh… umm… yeah", she stuttered and lifted her head to meet Callie's eyes.
Just like that, something ignited inside of Callie, and she instantly covered Arizona lips with hers forcing her tongue in her mouth. The force and passion of the kiss pushed Arizona back to the couch. She stumbled and fell on the sofa pulling Callie on top of her. The kiss was causing the fire in their abdomen to erupt. It was filled with passion, emotions and a little bit of lust. The intoxicating smell of Arizona was infiltrating Callie's nostril, and the familiar yet new taste of Callie's tongue was making her moan in desire. They parted when the air became necessary; both of their eyes were one shade darker with arousal. Arizona pushed Callie up and settled again, straddling Callie's lap. Callie began to breathe heavily in anticipation. She wrapped her hands around Arizona and pulled her impossibly close to her. Arizona lips moved from her lips to her jawline, to her neck. She kissed and sucked at Callie pulse point, knowing very well what it does to the brunette. Callie moved her hand inside Arizona's shirt and started caressing her back. The moan erupted from Callie's mouth made Arizona move her lips to her cleavage.
"Arizona..ah", Callie breathed incoherently in a lustful voice.
Hearing this, Arizona pulled Callie's top off her in one swift motion and began massaging her bra clad breasts, lips still glued to her neck. Copying the movement, Callie slid the shirt off her shoulder and placed open mouth kisses. Callie's hands were now on Arizona chest, and lips were sucking the inner side of cleavage. Arizona pulled Callie closer to her chest in a state of ecstasy while her hands were entangled in her hair.
"I was waiting for this for a long time", Callie whispered seductively as she latched her mouth on Arizona's right breast. Arizona arched her back in desire pushing her breast further into Callie's mouth.
"Bedroom!" Callie asked hoarsely, and all Arizona could do was nod.
They both disentangled themselves from each other and stood up. Lips still attached to others. Callie guided Arizona to the room, still kissing and nipping Arizona's neck and chest. As they reached the room, Callie pushed Arizona on the couch at the side of the bedroom door and topped her.
"This isn't the bed," Arizona said huskily.
"So… close enough, right?" Callie whispered back and kissed Arizona again.
Just like that, the spell broke, bringing Arizona out of her haze. Her breath started to increase, which for Callie felt like the heavy breathing of arousal. She moved down to Arizona and put her hands at the hem of her jeans, popping her button open.
Catching up to the present, Arizona hand gripped Callie's and stopped them from moving. Callie, still oblivious, tried to release her hand from Arizona's death grip, but Arizona didn't budge.
"Arizona, leave my hand, sweetie," Callie said, chuckling, but by that time, Arizona was trying to sit up, still breathing heavily.
Seeing Arizona red face, Callie realized something was wrong "hey… hey hey hey… what's wrong?" Callie said, sitting next to Arizona, rubbing gentle hands on her back.
"don't…" Arizona said and stood up from the couch, raising her hand in front of her "don't touch me … please."
"Okay… alright… I am not touching… but will you tell me what happened" Callie said calmly "are we going too fast? You want to slow down?"
"STOP!" Arizona said loudly, "stop… stop talking…."
Callie couldn't understand what led to this reaction; she thought they were having a great time.
"I … I…. I need to go," Arizona said, trying to control her fast-beating heart.
"What? Arizona… at least tell me what happened," Callie said, but before she could even finish her sentence, Arizona was out of the room. Callie stood up and went behind her.
"Arizona, you are scaring me…. Is it something I did?"
"I can't… I… I need to leave," Arizona said, pulling her discarded shirt over her shoulders.
"You can't leave like this… you are no state-" Callie replied
"NO!... I need to…." Arizona said desperately… "I'll call you…please… just give me some time," Arizona said.
"But-" Callie tried to reason out.
"Please, Callie… I promise I'll call you, but right now I need to leave… and please don't follow me" with that, Arizona ran out of Callie house, leaving confused and hurt Callie in the middle of the living room staring at the door from which the blonde just disappeared.
What the fuck just happened? Callie thought
Hello all,
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I hope I did justice to that whole cheating ordeal. I never support cheating, but somehow, I guess I understood what happened, and even though Arizona was wrong in this... she did get her body confidence back... so I tried to explain the same in this chapter... Please tell me what you think about it... Leave reviews, please... it helps me to write... what should I do next?
I also have another story Idea... should I start posting that, too, or should I finish this first? As I have limited time... I am confused... what do you all think about that... tell me in the comments...
I hope you all are fit and fine...
see you soon
Stay safe!