I stopped shopping at Grace's store when I realized that she was keeping secrets from me. There were red flags before then, of course. She was absolutely thrilled to have been included in the narrative, which was never a good sign when it came to judging people's morals. When she told me about her role in the text, I wondered whether it had come before or after I negotiated boundaries with Moonwatcher. I was relieved to discover that it had, but as I kept reading, I stumbled upon a major violation of our contract, and realized that Grace had taken heed of the narrator's request to keep said indiscretion a secret. Apparently, she valued her own minute fame over my privacy. I wasn't even mad. We weren't friends, so this wasn't some big betrayal. To Grace, I was a celebrity, not a human being with thoughts and feelings of my own. I mean, I currently wasn't a human being, but I'm speaking metaphorically. And of course, celebrities have thoughts and feelings too, but there's an emotional disconnect between fans and their idols. It's hard to grasp the humanity of public figures- of anyone, really. We can't divorce ourselves from our own perspectives, so the best we can do is imagine what another person might be going through and try to understand their feelings secondhand. But it's not quite the same, is it? There will always be a hint of abstraction in the connections we make, and that's a pretty scary thought.
Anyway, I paid my tab at the corner store and left the building for the last time . . . probably. I wasn't keen to frequent the joint, in any case.
I realized too late that Grace would probably find out about my change of heart. I hoped Moonwatcher would skip over my soliloquy, but I knew I wasn't lucky enough to get my wish. I ought to stop dwelling on these thoughts, since inner conflict seemed to be a favourite of hers. I couldn't exactly clear my mind of all pondering, nor avoid reflecting upon important aspects of my life, but there was no avoiding the fact that this gave my narrator storytelling ammo. No matter what I did, she'd find a way to convert my stream of consciousness into narration. It didn't even have to be good, as long as it was bankable. My misery was a commodity. My joy, less so. But maybe that was just because there hadn't been enough happiness to go around lately.
And speaking of depression, things hadn't been improving with Owen. They hadn't been getting any worse, mind you, but we weren't exactly in a good place, relationship-wise. One night, I had a dream that I was living with him and Maisie in my childhood home, except I was a dinosaur. There was nothing upsetting about the dream; we just kind of . . . went on living. I didn't even notice that my dinosaur self didn't belong in this picture. It was only when I woke up that I realized there was a disconnect between my body and its surroundings. Somehow, my mind had sidestepped the fact that being a dinosaur isolated me from the world I once knew. I had to wonder, then, if most of my problems had to do with the way other people treated me, or how I expected them to treat me. Living life as a dinosaur was unacceptable, based on everything I'd been taught. It just . . . it wasn't normal. It was wrong. Only . . . only maybe it wasn't. I was still myself, and maybe even a more honest version of myself. My friends loved me, Maisie loved me, and I . . . well, I liked myself. Not the violent parts, obviously, but the other stuff . . . You know, I was really getting used to my legs. I liked to run, I liked to bury my claws in the earth, I liked to feel like a part of nature . . . I was becoming the "me" I was born to be. And it was terrifying. How could I love myself when so many people didn't? I was a monster, according to the standards I'd grown up with. And yet I could see myself living a happy life like this, as long as other people accepted me . . . which they never would. Crushed by this realization, I wept into my paws, staining my pillow with salty dinosaur-tears. Beside me, Owen shifted. I tried to quiet myself down, but he was already awake. He reached out and touched my shoulder.
"Hey, Claire . . . Don't be upset. We'll find a cure. I promise."
Oh, what had I gotten myself into? . . .
***TSJWFKFEW***
I was grazing with Gunnar when I noticed that Maisie was acting somewhat forlorn. She was sitting with her back to us, picking blades of grass one by one. I trotted over, swishing my tail delicately.
"Hey, baby girl. I can take a break from grazing if you want to play dinosaurs . . ."
"No, that's okay."
I bit my lower beak.
"Oh . . . Do you wanna play 'Tar Pit', then? Gunnar can be the victim."
He lifted his head.
"Why do you always cast me as a rotting corpse?"
"It's what you do best, Gunnar."
He rolled his eyes and went back to grazing.
"Maisie, are you doing okay?" I asked, nudging her with my beak.
She rolled a chunk of dirt between her fingers.
"Have you ever believed one thing your entire life, only for it to not be true?"
(She knows!)
My plates and quills went rigid.
"N-no . . ."
She looked away.
"Oh."
I sucked my beak nervously.
"I mean . . . maybe. It depends what we're talking about."
"I'm not sure if I'm a real person."
My jaw dropped.
"Maisie, of course you're a real person! Why-"
"I don't have any parents."
(You have me!)
Somehow, the words got stuck in my throat.
"Y-you have . . . I'm . . . had . . . here?"
She didn't seem to notice my word vomit. Her lip was quivering.
"I thought . . . I thought I couldn't remember her because I was so little when she died. Whenever grandpa told me about my mother, I felt . . . bad. Like it was wrong that I couldn't remember her like he did. Mothers are supposed to be the most important person in your life, and I thought there must be something wrong with me if I had forgotten her so easily. And I tried so hard to think of a memory . . . I thought I remembered her smiling down at me, but it was all made up in my head. I never had a mother, which means I don't . . . I don't fit like I thought I did."
I curled my fingers over her shoulders.
"Maisie, this is where you belong. Owen and I, we're going to take care of you."
"Because you got stuck with me?"
"No, sweetheart, because we love you."
Her eyes were wet.
"But how am I any different from the dinosaurs? You decided that they didn't belong here, and I-"
I lifted her in a tight hug.
"Maisie, forget about what happened in the basement, okay? I made a mistake. I shouldn't have doubted myself. We don't measure the value of life based on where a person comes from, or how they fit in with everyone else. Every living creature deserves to be respected."
"What about the monster?"
(Which one?)
"The Indoraptor? . . ." I asked.
She nodded.
"It was so evil, Claire. And it came from a lab, like me."
I shook my head.
"Maisie, you're not a monster. The Indoraptor wanted to hurt us. It was a monster because of the way it behaved. Where you come from doesn't matter: it's who you choose to be."
"But I don't even know what I am!" she sobbed.
I stroked her hair.
"But you know who you are, right? You're mischievous, you're sweet, you're brave, and you're very resourceful when you need to be. You're an extraordinary person, Maisie, and don't you ever doubt it."
She sniffled and stroked my snout.
"And you're a spectacular dinosaur."
I smiled and nuzzled her cheek. She held me close.
"Do you have to change back?"
(FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!)
"I . . . I mean, I'm going to," I stuttered.
She looked me in the eyes, and I felt my heart bubbling with guilt. I forced a smile.
"But- But I can be just as fun when I'm human, right? I mean, we can still play dinosaurs-"
"It won't be the same."
Her hands slipped from my cheeks, and she turned away. I cocked my head, then crept up behind her.
"You want the real thing, huh?"
She nodded, rubbing her arm sadly. I quirked a brow.
"Well, Maisie, I can promise you one thing . . . if I change back, it won't stop me from giving you pony-rides!"
I lunged forward, scooping her up in my arms and draping her over my neck. She squealed with delight and held on as I zipped through the grass. Nearby, Gunnar tossed his head with agitation. I slowed to a stop.
"Nervous?"
"I don't like sudden movement," he grumbled.
I shot Maisie a naughty smirk, which she returned. As Gunnar bent over to pull up another mouthful of grass, I barked loudly, sending him running. Maisie giggled uncontrollably. As she fell off my neck, I caught her and rolled onto my back, lifting her between my feet. She reached out and grabbed my front horn.
"It's possible that you'll stay this way forever, right?"
My eyes went wide.
"Uh-"
"You said 'if I change back.' Is there a chance that you won't stop being a dinosaur?"
I gulped.
"Maisie . . ."
"Please don't change, Claire. I like you just the way you are."
Oh, god, that melted my heart. How could I say "no" to her? . . .
"Maisie, I know you like me as a dinosaur, but I'll still be the same person if- when I change back. It's just the outside that'll be different."
"But you're already so cool . . ."
I let out a long breath.
"Maisie, I'm still not . . . well. I know you like having a dinosaur around, but we have to make sure that we're not putting you in harm's way. If I lose control-"
She looked terrified, but I had painted myself into a corner. I gulped.
"If I lose control, they might have to take me away."
I thought I had spared her the torment of worrying that I'd harm her, but this news distressed her even more.
"Don't go, Claire! I don't want you to go!"
I held her in my arms, rocking back and forth slowly.
"I won't go, Maisie, I promise. We're going to stick together, now and always."
She was sobbing hysterically.
"I don't want them to take you away! You're the only family I have left!"
I felt tears pricking at my eyes too. I took a shaky breath and pressed her against my chest.
"Owen and I will never, ever leave you. We'll be here whenever you need us, and if you want us to stay with you forever, that's what we'll do."
She grabbed a handful of my scales, squeezing tight.
"If they try to keep us apart, I'll find you, Claire. I won't let you be alone either."
She hugged my head again, resting her cheek against the part of my frill that covered my forehead. As she rubbed my snout, I found myself purring. Christ, was I part cat? I didn't have time to ponder this notion, however, for I noticed something very unusual. On the horizon, I could just make out a pair of wings creaking up and down, up and down . . . They glistened with a hundred changing patterns, strung along by a shifting tapestry of technicolor sequins. I was dazzled by the sight, and soon decided that this was the closest I'd ever come to being high. Beneath these magnificent wings was the body of a butterfly, and lower still was a familiar face. Jen waved at me in what seemed like slow motion, further contributing to the hallucinatory effect. My heart skipped a beat when the flying insect let her go. She dropped down to Earth, pulling into her shell as she spun around like a swirly carrot. She hit the ground and bounced a couple of times before rolling to a stop at my feet. I feared she might be dead, but her antennae reemerged from the spiral cone, and her smiling face appeared soon after.
"Hello . . . Claire . . ."
"Jen! What are you doing here?"
"I've . . . decided . . . to-"
Okay, for the sake of time, I'm just going to repeat what she said at normal speed.
"I've decided to study your chiropteran condition, so I hitched a ride with my caterpillar friend!"
Maisie looked up at the winged creature, who was hovering over the island.
"Don't you mean 'butterfly'?"
Jen scoffed.
"He was born a caterpillar."
I cocked my head.
"And then . . . became a butterfly? . . ."
Jen rolled her eyes.
"You're either one or the other. You can't just change your mind halfway through life."
"Wh-"
She slapped one bean-hand over the other.
"Listen, if you're born a caterpillar, that's what you are. Just because you enter a pupa stage, liquify your entire body, and reemerge with completely different biology doesn't mean you're all of a sudden a butterfly!"
I pursed my beak.
"It kind of . . . does . . . though? . . ."
She snorted, inching forward as she spoke.
"Whatever. I can't be expected to keep track of this stuff. You can call him a 'butterfly' if you want, but I know a caterpillar when I see one."
I looked up at the definitely-not-a-caterpillar floating through the clouds.
"Are you . . . are you just unfamiliar with the process of metamorphosis? . . ."
She crossed her arms.
"Don't tell me you believe in that frass! First the tadpoles, now you . . ."
In all fairness, that's not even the weirdest thing to come out of frog DNA. But I kept my mouth shut.
". . . and don't even get me started on slugs!" Jen snipped, "They're just a dumpier version of snails."
"I mean, no arguments there . . ."
Her eyes darted (slowly darted) back and forth.
"They're planning a secret alliance with the hermit crabs, you know. Once they have the technology, they'll be wearing fake shells, and we won't be able to tell who the real snails are."
"I'm guessing you're not a fan of turtles either."
"I prefer Milk Duds," she said with a shrug, "Anyway, I was wondering if you've been experimenting with your bat-powers at all."
I shook my head.
"Things have been so hectic with my training . . . I'm having trouble being a dinosaur, nevermind a bat!"
Maisie smiled and scratched my chin.
"You're an excellent dinosaur, Claire!"
Did that count as a compliment? I sure took it as one. But that was just because I felt good about myself, knowing that I was loved.
***TSJWFKFEW***
Once I dropped off Maisie at Iris' hotel room, I made my way down to the pond for a swim. It was more private than the hotel's swimming pool, and it didn't have the stench of chlorine that irritated me ten times as much as when I was human. I was surprised to see a familiar figure by the water. It was none other than Eli Mills, lying on his belly, fast asleep. I took a step back, but stepped on a twig, making a loud snap. His eyes fluttered open.
"Sorry, I fell asleep. Where w-"
When he realized who he was talking to, he jumped.
"Claire! Sorry, I thought you were Moonwatcher! She told me to wait here until she got back, but she must have forgotten about me. I can't be seen alone. Can you find her and tell her to come get me?"
I scratched the back of my neck.
"I guess . . ."
"Thanks."
I turned to leave, but he cocked his head and rolled into a standing position.
"You okay?"
I nodded hastily.
"Yeah, yeah . . . I'm fine."
He twisted his mouth.
"Are you sure? You smell upset."
My eyes went wide. He gulped and tapped his claws together by his chest.
"I can kind of smell what people are feeling, sometimes," he admitted.
"Yeah, I know. Me too."
He raised his eyebrows.
"Wow, so you could tell what I was feeling this entire time?"
"You mostly smell like gasoline."
He seemed relieved by this. I decided not to mention that when he was afraid, whatever chemical he secreted overpowered his car-smell exponentially.
"Yeah, I figured I would," he muttered, "It's so weird, living in a body that you don't fully understand . . ."
"You're telling me."
He laughed.
"At least you get to use stairs. I had a hell of a time at the Visitors' Center the other day. I was taking the steps two at a time before I figured out- Yeah. And when I tried to wipe my wheels on the mat, it shot out behind me and hit some poor woman in the face. That's the last thing I needed."
I frowned sardonically.
"It was probably worse for her."
He bit his lip.
"Yeah."
After a long silence, he took a deep breath.
"So, what's been eating you?"
"Nothing. I'm at the top of the food chain."
He rolled his eyes.
"You know what I mean."
I rubbed my arm hesitantly.
"Eli, you know a lot about Maisie, right?"
"Naturally."
"Right. So you could maybe help me understand why she'd want me to stay a dinosaur permanently."
"Oh! Well, she loves dinosaurs."
I slapped my forehead.
"I know. I was hoping for something a little more specific."
He twisted his mouth.
"Well, you're big enough to give her pony rides, and you're part T-Rex, which is her favourite, yet you're also herbivorous, which means she gets to treat you like a horse- she's wanted to try horseback riding for a while, now. You have a cool design: lots of interesting spiky bits, horns, plates, etcetera, nice colors, nice legs . . . Oh! And since you're many things at once, she doesn't have to choose between different animals, which means she has a unique dinosaur all to herself!"
"So I'm like five pets rolled into one?"
"Yeah! Plus, you're kind of her guardian now, so-"
Suddenly, Eli snapped to attention, staring off into space as though he had just stumbled upon a brilliant idea. I didn't much like the way he smiled at me.
"You know, Claire, I technically have custody of Maisie."
My blood turned to ice.
"What do you mean?"
He started driving around me menacingly.
"Exactly what I said. According to all the legal documents, Maisie belongs to me."
A threatening rumble escaped my throat.
"You don't own her . . ."
"The paperwork begs to differ."
My tail swung back and forth as I struggled to contain my anger.
"You can't have her."
He chuckled.
"Relax, Claire, I don't even want her."
"Then why bring it up in the first place?"
"Well, I may not want Maisie herself, but I do want to get out of here. I happen to know that she's worth a lot of money. Enough to convince Moonwatcher to free me, let's say."
I narrowed my eyes.
"You'd be willing to extort me like that? Are you actually going to sell me an orphaned child?"
"Mmm, technically, she's not an orphan, and I never said I'd sell her to you, specifically. I'm not opposed to the idea, of course, but if someone else is willing to cover my bail . . ."
I snarled.
"You're disgusting."
He shrugged.
"All I want is my freedom. It's nothing personal. If you cough up the dough, we can end this here and now. Why don't you talk it over with Owen?"
I shot him an icy glare before whipping around and marching towards the hotel. You bet your ass I came back with Owen, and he was ready to beat the shit out of Eli.
"Alright, you pathetic hunk of metal. I have a proposition for you," he boomed.
Eli quirked a brow.
"Did you two negotiate a price? Because I've decided to-"
"Actually, we're going to settle this another way," Owen interrupted.
Eli batted his eyes.
"Oh. Because I was about to say-"
"You and I are going to have a little race. Three laps. My motorcycle, your . . . self. Whoever crosses the finish line first gets custody of Maisie."
Eli shrugged.
"Seems kind of childish, but it's a deal. Not sure why you wouldn't just pay for Maisie, though . . ."
Owen crinkled his nose.
"For your information, we don't have the money. Not everyone can afford fancy ties and . . . vests . . . glasses . . . and other rich-people-things!"
Eli snickered.
"You two are hilarious!"
I barked, making him flinch.
"Maisie is worth more than all the money in the world!" I objected, "We'd gladly pay for her . . . if we could manage it."
"I take it you're not getting royalties from Moonwatcher's story, then?" Eli sassed.
I lifted my claw, then retracted it. That was a very good point.
". . . The money is going towards a cure."
I didn't know if that was true or not. I just wanted to win the argument.
"We may not be rich, Eli, but together, we're going to provide Maisie with a better life than you ever could," I snarled.
He smirked.
"Okay, Claire. I believe you. Like I said, I don't care about the girl. I just want to be free."
He stared at me pointedly.
"It's very important to me. Just like how that necklace was worth a lot to Wheatley, only I want my freedom more than he wanted his thing."
"Uh-huh . . ."
"Seriously. This is the only thing that matters to me right now. One might even say-"
Owen groaned.
"Jesus, you love to hear yourself talk, don't you?"
Eli puffed a thin cloud of exhaust from his nostrils.
"Such a shame you won't be able to eat your words, since your mouth will be full of dust. My dust. Because you'll be eating it."
Owen's frown deepened. Eli blinked.
"It's a common expression-"
"I KNOW WHAT EATING DUST MEANS!"
I touched Owen's arm.
"Don't let him get under your skin."
Owen clenched his fist.
"He's a goddamn parasite."
"Ouch. Is that the best you can do?" Eli taunted.
I let out a terrifying screech. He rolled backwards, almost losing his balance.
"Okay, fair enough. So, when do you want to hold this race of ours?"
We all screamed as Moonwatcher emerged from the pond.
"How about noon?" she suggested, spitting out her snorkel, "I can free up the old racing track."
"Can . . . I . . . race . . . too?"
I noticed Jen emerging from the tall grass. She had been moving so slowly that my brain hadn't registered her presence. I blame the T-Rex DNA.
"Sure thing, Jen!" Moonwatcher chirped, "I know you were quite the athlete in Snail School."
"I . . . was . . . the . . . fastest . . . in . . . my . . . class."
My eyes went wide. Jen turned to me and frowned.
"Don't . . . think . . . I . . . don't . . . notice . . . what . . . you're . . . doing."
"Huh?"
"I . . . may . . . be . . . slow . . . but . . . I'm . . . not . . . slow . . . to . . . get . . . the . . . joke."
"Jen, I-"
"If . . . it . . . increases . . . your . . . chance . . . of . . . winning . . . I'll . . . race . . . for . . . your . . . team."
I smiled.
"Thank you, Jen. And for the record, I wouldn't doubt that you're the fastest snail I know."
(And the only snail I know, but I don't have to tell her that.)
Eli snorted.
"How about we let you do one lap, just to even the odds?"
"Deal."
Moonwatcher clapped her hands.
"Great! So it's settled, then! We're off to the races!"
We turned our heads as a protoceratops with a police light strapped to her head plodded down the path towards us. She pulled a piece of paper from a notepad on her chest and stuck it against Eli's leg. Moowatcher peeled it off and frowned.
"What the hell is this?"
"Parking ticket. This vehicle has been stationed in a no-parking zone for over an hour."
Moonwatcher twisted her mouth.
"Huh. Good to know."
She handed the ticket to Eli as the dinosaur waddled away.
"You'd better pay this off so it doesn't get added to your permanent record."
His mouth hung open.
"What?! But I'm not a-"
She reached out and put her finger over his mouth.
"Shhh . . . just pay the ticket. You have a race to attend."
He rolled his eyes.
"Fine."
He turned to me.
"I'll see you at the track, Claire. Good luck."
"I hope you stall."
He smirked.
"Don't worry. I won't waste any time."
Fuck. I had nothing to say to that.
***TSJWFKFEW***
Well, the track was prepared in a matter of hours, and we were ready to decide Maisie's fate once and for all. A good number of people had gathered to watch, including Iris and Maisie herself, and just for good measure, Moonwatcher had invited Zia, Franklin, Gunnar, and Wheatley. I wasn't particularly fond of our new recruit, and I was pretty sure that everyone else was on the same page. Even Gunnar, who had a seemingly infinite amount of patience, was getting irritated by his loud-mouthed demeanour. He glared straight ahead as Wheatley crunched on pawfuls of popcorn, flinching as flying kernels bounced off his scales. The poor man just couldn't catch a break. The two of them were roommates now, being closer in age than Zia and Franklin. I hoped this wouldn't put Gunnar off the whole "community" thing. He must not get much time to himself anymore, aside from grazing. Even then, he had to deal with me and Maisie. I trotted up to the bleachers with an apologetic smile.
"Do you want to sit closer to the front?"
He side-eyed Wheatley.
"Yeah, do have a seat saved?"
"Of course. You can sit next to Iris."
My quills bristled when I heard a familiar voice.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!"
I turned and saw Eli snarling at the same police-dinosaur from before.
"Sir, pedestrians have the right of way."
"I am a pedestrian!"
Wheatley snorted, equally put off by Eli's shouting.
"Is that why you're trying to get custody of the kid, Claire?"
I don't know whether I was more shocked by Wheatley's abysmal vocabulary or grossed out by his comment. Either way, I wasn't planning on sticking around. I nodded to the front row.
"Gunnar?"
He followed me down, taking a seat next to Iris. Maisie smiled and poked his arm.
"Can we play tag later?"
"Dinosaur-tag or normal tag?"
"Dinosaur."
"And you'll be the T-Rex, I assume?"
"Yeah!"
He smiled.
"Alright."
"Yay!"
I bit my lip.
"Are you sure you're not too busy, Gunnar?"
He shook his head.
"Anything to get away from you-know-who."
I looked back to see Wheatley picking his nose.
"I'm sorry, Gunnar."
"Don't be. It's worth putting up with a little hardship if it means spending time with my friends."
I elbowed him playfully.
"Don't you mean 'friendly acquaintances'?"
"No, just friends."
I took a seat next to him, smiling warmly. Owen and Eli were making their final preparations. Jen was too, though I assumed she was standing still, at first. I gagged as Eli's face opened up at the antorbital fenestrae to reveal a set of rearview mirrors. That man had a nightmare of a body.
Everyone fell silent as Moonwatcher stepped up to the track. She raised her pistol.
"Ready . . . set . . . g- Oh, wait!"
Eli and Owen both lurched into a false start before hastily assuming their prior stance. Moonwatcher frowned and slapped her gun with frustration.
"Lousy hunk of junk . . . Sorry, I don't know how to fire these things. My weapon of choice is a kni-"
She yelped as the pistol fired at the ground, then coughed through the resulting cloud of dust.
"GO!"
Owen and Eli snapped into action, and so did Jen, though it was less noticeable in comparison to the other two. Eli took advantage of the terrain by angling his wheels so that chunks of soil struck Owen's face. He mirrored this (literally) dirty tactic by navigating his way between Eli's legs, coming out in front. I cheered him on. Maisie jumped up and down by my side, unaware of the stakes.
I think that's when it hit me that this whole scenario was kind of messed up.
Well, regardless of how juvenile the concept of this match was, we had already placed our bet, and both sides were ready to collect the tokens . . . or however that works. I don't gamble.
The two racers continued to swerve in front of each other, getting dangerously close with each turn, but this came to an end as they finished the first lap. Jen, who was only a few meters away from the starting line, was creeping forward, blissfully unaware that she was in the line of fire . . . line of racing? Look, I don't do metaphors.
Anyway, Eli noticed her, but Owen did not, and to my surprise, the cold-blooded murderer pushed my charming boyfriend out of the way to save the oblivious snail's life. I was certain that he hadn't done it to win the race- it was almost certainly a foul- but more so than that, I was shocked that he willingly threw off his own balance during the rescue attempt, and it did NOT end well for him. Owen managed to dive out of the way, but Eli's haphazard figure became tangled with the abandoned motorcycle. Both vehicles slammed into the ground multiple times before splitting apart. I rushed forward to help Owen to his feet, but was knocked back by an explosion. I hoped he had motorcycle insurance, if such a thing existed on this island. Owen himself was fine, and luckily for Eli, the blast had missed him too, but fate certainly wasn't on his side, because he was bleeding out gasoline in the direction of the fire. I knew I only had a few seconds to drag him to safety, so I leapt through the blaze and pinched the scruff of his neck in my beak. He yowled as I pulled him through the dirt, and I soon realized why he was protesting so adamantly. Aside from a black eye and the still-gushing gasoline wound, he was most visibly damaged near his left arm, which was undoubtedly broken. The unnatural angle of the battered appendage made me want to vomit, though the Indoraptor part of my brain was eager to twist it further out of place. I knew he wouldn't be able to fight back, judging by his tires, which dangled from bent hubcaps on both sides. He screamed in pain as I dragged him through the dirt, and I responded by yanking him harder, both to shut him up and feed my secret urges. Christ, he was heavy.
I managed to pull him out of the danger zone just as the river of blood caught fire. I winced at the resulting heat, and briefly wondered if I should have let him explode. I shook the thought as Owen ran over and started kicking dirt onto the fire. What was done was done, and if Eli had the gall to keep treating me like shit after this . . . well . . .
He groaned as I rolled him onto his back. I looked him over to find the precise source of his bleeding, then pressed my paw against his ribs. He shrieked, but the cry became a whimper as I grasped him more firmly.
"Shut up, will you!"
He breathed rapidly through his nostrils, clenching his teeth in agony.
"Y-you saved me!" he gasped.
"Yes, and it was very dramatic."
He took a sharp breath as I pinched his wound shut, then steadied his breathing.
"You didn't let me die . . ."
"Of course not. I'm no murderer."
He gulped as I shifted my arm.
"Am I hurt badly?"
"What do I look like? A mechanic?"
Suddenly, his eyes darted around in fear.
"Are the others . . . are the others alive?"
I looked over at Owen and Jen, the latter of whom was still racing, oblivious to the carnage at her tail.
"They're fine. You're the only one who got banged up."
"How is that possible? . . ."
"Maybe you're just unlucky."
He exhaled.
"No, that's not true. You gave me a second chance, after all . . ."
I frowned.
"Don't mistake what I did for affection. I only saved you out of a moral obligation."
"But you did save me."
"Yes, I did."
I stepped aside as Moonwatcher came barreling over with a roll of duck tape, which she used to cover Eli's wound. He sucked air though his teeth and flexed his uninjured paw, reaching out for something unconsciously. I stayed far away.
"We're gonna have to bring you to Butterball's garage," Moonwatcher sighed, "I've stopped the bleeding for now, but there's only so much I can do. Do you want to swap insurance information with Owen?"
"No? . . ."
"Fair enough. Let's get you set up."
He shook his head.
"Wait! I have to talk to Claire first!"
"You can settle your legal dispute later."
"No! I have to tell her something! Claire! CLAIRE!"
I stepped forward.
"I'm right here."
He caught his breath.
"Listen, about the custody thing-"
Moonwatcher held up her hand.
"Hang on a sec. I think we just solved our problem."
She pointed at the finish line. Jen was inching towards it. As she slipped over the marker, I screamed with excitement. She lifted her tiny hands ever so slowly, and I ran over to scoop her up in a hug. I carried her over to Moonwatcher, who patted her head.
"Well done, you sticky shell-slug."
Jen's lip curled.
"I'm . . . not . . . a . . . slug."
I smiled.
"No, you most certainly are not! I'm sorry for ever doubting you. Are you still willing to give me custody of Maisie?"
"Of . . . course . . ."
Eli's jaw dropped. His eyes went wide with disbelief.
"NO! FUCK! THIS CAN'T HAPPEN!"
I frowned.
"She won the race, fair and square."
His eyes darted back and forth beneath a creased brow.
"You . . . you interfered. It doesn't count. I . . . I want a rematch!"
He tried to stand, but fell forward, wincing in pain. When he caught his breath, he shook his head hastily.
"When I get better, I swear, I'll-"
I stamped my foot.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why do you want custody of Maisie so badly? Is it just a power move?"
He gulped and turned his head away with guilt.
"I thought . . . I thought if I won the race and signed off on the papers anyway, you'd see that I was willing to do the right thing."
I crossed my arms.
"But you understand how that's worse, right? I mean, you put us through all this torment just so you could-"
"You would have never believed me if I gave you the papers right away. You'd think I was manipulating you."
I tapped my foot.
"So your solution was to manipulate us, but in a more convoluted way?"
He sighed.
"I'm sorry, Claire. I didn't know what else to do. I've been trying so hard to redeem myself, but everyone thinks I'm lying to them . . ."
"And with good reason, apparently."
He lifted his head, eyes wet with blue tears.
"Please, Claire, it wasn't like that . . ."
"I don't care what your reasoning was. You lied to me to make yourself look better. I think you've proven today that you're nothing more than a self-serving asshole, and if you ever had a chance in the first place, you don't anymore."
He looked absolutely crushed, but I was beyond caring. I leaned closer to him, baring my teeth.
"I don't care what the paperwork says. You were never fit to be a guardian, much less a father, and whoever assigned you that role should be sued for negligence. You don't own Maisie. She's not your property. She's a human being. And you? . . . You're not even that."
He shrunk away, but I wasn't done. I stepped on his snout.
"I almost regret saving you, but I have a responsibility to preserve life, regardless of how worthless it may be. Whatever happens from now on is none of my concern, but I had better not see you again. You fix those wheels and you drive far away from here. Don't come between me and my daughter ever again."
I let my foot slip from his muzzle, dragging my claw down his scales pointedly. I wasn't forceful enough to draw blood, but I got my point across well enough. As I marched away from Eli with my tail held high, Maisie came running over. She wrapped me in a tight hug, burying her face in my chest. I didn't understand why she was so happy, at first, but then I thought about my monologue and realized exactly what I had said to please her. And I didn't regret it. Not one bit. I loved Maisie more than anyone else on Earth. That had to count for something. In any case, I knew that this was what I wanted to do, and nothing could get in my way.
***TSJWFKFEW***
Later that night, I celebrated Jennifer's big win at a fancy restaurant. We didn't get too far into the evening before she had to be rushed to the hospital. Her vegetable soup came with just a tad too much salt, unfortunately. I didn't follow the ambulance, but I was assured that it was just a minor allergic reaction, and that she'd soon be right as rain. Owen was already tucking Maisie in at the hotel, so I decided to pay Gunnar a visit and make sure that everything was okay with him and Wheatley. On my way home, however, I noticed my mortal enemy stumbling away from a gas station, drunk as a skunk. I had never seen Eli in such a state, but there was no doubt that he was severely intoxicated. He rolled towards me, rocking back and forth on his wheels like a children's toy. When he came to a halt, he lurched forward, and for a second, I was afraid that he'd topple over and crush me. Instead, he regained his balance and pointed at me with a tiny claw.
"I know you told me to stay away from you, but there's something you need to know. I'm very, very drunk right now, and I'm never gonna find the courage to say this while I'm sober, so here we go."
"Eli-"
"No, I know. I know that you hate me, that you think I'm a bad person, and you're right. But that's the funny part, see, because you're my best friend right now."
"Eli, I'm not-"
"No, see, that's why it's so funny! You absolutely hate me, but you're the closest thing I have to a friend. Isn't that sad? If I hadn't screwed up like I did, we could have been good for each other. We could have talked about dinosaur things and been less alone, you know? But I screwed it up like I screw up everything else. Me and Maisie and Iris, we could have been a family. I didn't have to be so lonely, but I am, and I have no one to blame but myself. I fucked up so badly that I came out of this without any friends or family, even though they were right there in front of me the entire time! I could have lived a happy life, but I-"
He lost his balance, but managed to hold himself up on shaky legs.
"Anyway, I really screwed the pooch. I was a terrible human being, and an even worse dinosaur. Fuck, I wasn't even good at being bad! My plan was foiled by a child, and I know you and Owen helped her, but still! The worst part is that I knew it would happen. I fucking knew. Everything I touch turns to shit. It doesn't matter what side I'm on: I can't get anything right. It's not about society or morality or anything like that: it's just me. I'm the problem, the common factor in all of this, and that's why I always end up alone. I'm sorry I ever barged into your life. You didn't deserve that. I can't believe I had the nerve to lie to you. I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway, because I was fucked five ways and I thought that I was in as deep as I could get, and that stinking raptor kept getting away from the team, killing innocent people, and all of that death was my fault, so I used you like you meant nothing, except you meant so, so much, and- and-"
He swayed woozily, then shook his head.
"The Indoraptor was a shitshow. That was the worst thing I ever did. That and the murder. But if you count everyone who died because of the Indoraptor, I'm a murderer times ten. The Indoraptor was just an animal, but I could have chosen not to make it. I caused so much grief and misery- OH, FUCK! You got screwed by that thing too, didn't you? You turned into my biggest mistake. I ruined your life, and then I ruined it even more, and now I'm being punished for what I did, for being alive, even, because all I've ever done is make people miserable for the entire run of my sorry existence."
I had been listening in rapt horror, wondering if I should call the authorities or even Moonwatcher, lord help me, but Eli's rant was neither violent nor aggressive. If anything, his anger was directed inward, which was sad, but at least he was beating himself up instead of hurting everyone else around him. And maybe he deserved it- he could certainly benefit from some introspection, at least- but I wasn't feeling morally righteous at the moment. To be perfectly honest, I was scared. Had he been trying to manipulate my conscience or guilt trip me, I would have been able to respond to his remarks with sass or hostility, but instead, he was baring his heart to me in a pitiful attempt at making sense of his shortcomings. And I had nothing to contribute on that front, because we weren't friends, and I didn't have any reason to help him. If he had come seeking comfort, it was with the knowledge that the person he felt closest to was still miles away from being a shoulder to cry on. Maybe he expected me to tear him a new one. At least it would have been something. But instead, I just stared at him in silence. He waited for a response, and receiving none, burst into tears. I continued to observe him, unsure of whether to flee or find another way to weasel out of this situation. He sobbed at my feet, shoulders shaking as those same blue tears poured down from his eyes in buckets. I took a deep breath and stepped forward.
"Eli . . ."
I flinched as he lifted his head to gaze into my eyes.
"Claire, I have nothing left! I don't know what to do! I have nowhere to go, no one to turn to!"
"Well, you can't just come running back to me whenever you feel upset, Eli."
That was the worst thing to say, but he didn't react with anger or sorrow. He simply closed his eyes and nodded.
"I know. But I keep coming back because . . . Oh, god. I don't even know anymore. I just want to hear you say it."
"Say what?"
"That I'm not a lost cause. That I can be good. That there's something more to me than just being a fuck-up and a murderer."
My beak quivered.
"I . . . I don't know if I can make that kind of judgment . . ."
"Who else, Claire? Who else would ever give me a chance?"
"I don't know, but I'm not the person you should be turning to for forgiveness."
". . . You've decided never to forgive me, then . . ."
"I've thought it through, and . . . I just don't know if I can."
This confession broke him. He stared ahead despondently, taking shaky breaths.
"But . . . but I'm just one person," I added, "And even if no one is willing to forgive you, you can find a new life somewhere else. Sooner or later, you'll settle into a new environment, and everything will start anew."
"If there is a later."
"There's always a later."
He shook his head slowly.
"No, there doesn't have to be. I can end this right now."
I snapped my fingers.
"Yes, exactly! You can end this by moving on and becoming a better person! Find new friends, go explore the world . . ."
He swallowed.
"I'm going to miss you, Claire."
"Me? Why?"
"I don't know. Probably because we could have been friends, if I hadn't been so awful."
I patted his head.
"Well, there's plenty of fish in the sea. I'm sure you'll find someone just like me who's willing to give you a fresh start."
He hummed noncommittally. I forced a smile and held out my paw. Instead of taking it, he rolled backwards onto his wheels and wobbled into a standing position.
"I'm sorry for bothering you, Claire. I promise, I won't get in your way anymore."
"I think that would be good for the both of us."
"Yeah. Before I go, I just wanted to say that I'm really, actually, honestly sorry. I know it won't make up for the suffering I caused, but if I could go back in time and change what I did, I'd do it all differently. You're a better person than anyone I know, and I think I regret hurting you most of all."
I batted my eyes, unsure of how to respond.
"Well . . . tomorrow is another day."
He bit his lip.
"Right . . ."
"Are you going to be okay?"
"It doesn't matter. But I won't do any more harm. That's the important thing."
I exhaled calmly.
"Alright. Goodbye, Eli. I hope you find peace."
"I will. And I hope you find your happiness, whatever that may be. I know my opinion doesn't count for anything, but I think you're fine just the way you are, and you have absolutely no reason to hate yourself as much as you do."
I winced.
"I don't hate myself. I just . . . I just think I'd be better off as a human."
He nodded.
"Up to you. I'm sorry I sucked both ways."
"You already said that."
"I know. I'm just having trouble saying goodbye, that's all."
I sighed, twisting my mouth.
"Well, we have to end this somehow, so let me just say that, once again, I'm sorry for telling everyone about . . . you know."
"I deserved it."
"No, that's not fair."
"Claire, I-"
His eyes bulged.
". . . I'm going to be sick."
"What?"
He promptly whipped his head around and coughed up a stream of ethanol. I stumbled backwards as he choked, covering my nostrils to block out the unpleasant smell.
"Oh, god . . ." he groaned, "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry . . ."
He rolled backwards dizzily. I caught him as he came dangerously close to toppling over.
"We need to get you home."
"Claire, I . . . a part of me doesn't want to go. I'm afraid. Please don't leave me."
I met his pleading gaze with an equally helpless stare. As I pushed him upright, I noticed a flashing light coming from the jungle. The police-dinosaur emerged from the bushes. She did not look happy.
"Eli Mills, you're under arrest!"
He grimaced.
"For what? Puking?"
"Driving under the influence. I'm going to have to ask for your license."
Eli fell forward and rolled onto his side heavily.
"I give up."
I cleared my throat.
"You can get him home safely, right, Officer?"
She nodded.
"I'll keep him in the garage until he's able to appear in court. No worries, ma'am. I'll take care of him."
I nodded and backed away, trying not to let my guilt show as Eli watched me abandon him. He didn't protest or try to convince me to stay: he knew that it was over for us. As I left, I couldn't help but imagine that he was trying to take me in one last time, as though this was going to be the final moment we shared. For all he knew, it was. And as for me, I didn't know what to hope for, exactly. I wasn't really keen on paying him a visit, but if our paths crossed again . . . Well, I wouldn't be bothered either way. I sincerely hoped that by the time I saw him again, he'd be better off, but I couldn't imagine such a thing, try as I might.
It always came as a surprise when my heart bled over this sad mess of a dinosaur, but I was starting to understand why it kept happening. Eli was like me, but he was a version of me that sunk too low to be saved, like a victim of that metaphorical bog. I didn't know what possessed him to keep reaching out, knowing full well that I wasn't able to save him.
Willing, rather. I wasn't willing to save him.
I mean, obviously, he wasn't my responsibility, but I have to admit that I felt bad, not being the saviour he expected me to be. I had no doubt that he was trying to better himself in some way, but I simply couldn't overlook the blood that stained his hands, tiny as they were now.
Eli Mills was not for me to save, and that was the end of that.
***TSJWFKFEW***
I was having a lovely breakfast at a beachside café when I overheard Moonwatcher discussing my former inmate over coffee. Her conversation partner was a large, rosy hare who was immensely dissatisfied with her dessert (she described it as a scrambled egg fraud-cake, whatever that meant), and their chitchat soon shifted to a familiar subject. I didn't catch all the details, but my heart started racing when I heard Eli's name mentioned in the same sentence as "tried to kill". My moral dilemma vanished upon receiving this nugget of information. Of course he had been deceiving me the entire time. Of course it was all a lie. How could I have let myself believe that there was anything redeemable about that disgusting dinosaur? I promptly sat up and trotted over to their table, quills bristling with outrage.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop. Are you talking about Eli?"
Moonwatcher took a sip of her coffee.
"Mhm."
"Did he . . . hurt someone?" I ventured.
Moonwatcher raised her eyebrows.
"What? No, nothing like that. Funny story: Eli attempted suicide this morning."
My heart dropped through my feet. She waved her hands quickly.
"No, no, that's not the funny part. See, he locked himself in the garage and left his engine running. He literally can't think of a more efficient way to kill people than suffocation. What a wacky fellow!"
My heart was trembling. As I struggled to process this information, the rabbit dropped a sugarcube into her coffee and stirred it casually.
"A car dying from carbon monoxide. Now that's ironic!"
"Actually, it's not," Moonwatcher corrected, "It's convenient and poetic. If he got hit by a car full of AZT, on the other hand, it would be both poetic AND ironic. For it to be irony, he has to be hurt by something that's supposed to save him."
I covered my mouth.
"This is my fault . . ." I whispered.
Moonwatcher waved her hand dismissively.
"Nah. You're not responsible for his decisions."
"But I contributed to them."
She laughed.
"Eli is a fucked-up person, Claire. If he responded poorly to you telling him off for literally murdering someone . . . well . . ."
"Where is he? I want to see him."
Moonwatcher quirked a brow.
"Why? You gonna try to change his mind? Bring him some leather pants, why don't you!"
I growled.
"Tell me where Eli is, or so help me . . ."
She rolled her eyes.
"Fine, fine, he's at the clinic. We had to jump start him to get his motor running again, and the electricity did NOT agree with him."
"Where's the clinic?"
The rabbit stood up.
"I can take you, love. I may have missed the big race, but I guarantee that I'm faster than anyone on this island."
Moonwatcher frowned.
"I heard you lost to a turtle, once."
She thumped her foot irritably.
"That doesn't count. I had an allergic reaction."
"To what?"
"Myself. I'm allergic to my fur and tail."
"I'm not sure if that's quirky or flat out implausible . . ."
I slammed my paw against the table, rattling the cutlery.
"Somebody almost took their own life this morning, and you're just sitting here making idle chitchat! Doesn't anyone care that Eli's in grave danger?!"
Moonwatcher shook her head.
"He doesn't sell a lot of toys."
My jaw dropped.
"I don't believe you!"
"No, it's true! You'd think a dinosaur-car would be flying off the shelves, but he's just not a popular character. Classic Eli: he was handed everything he could ever hope for, and he somehow managed to screw it up like he does with everything else. How can someone be given all the tools they need to succeed and never manage to make good use of them?"
"He doesn't believe he can," I replied grimly.
Moonwatcher hummed.
"That's a fair assessment. Well, I suppose I'll let you visit him. It's not like we stand to lose anything, regardless of how this turns out."
My face fell.
"Do you seriously not care about Eli?"
"Absolutely not. What, do you think I'm trying to trick you into caring about him using reverse psychology or something? Because that would be a really complex ruse, and I don't have time to lie about things."
"You lie all the time!" I snapped.
"No, I don't!"
"You're more dishonest than Eli himself!"
She snorted.
"Yeah, but he's a scummy, low-life murderer. I, on the other hand, never got caught."
She wiggled her eyebrows. I didn't find her joke particularly amusing. I whipped around, nodding to the rabbit.
"Just take me to the clinic."
***TSJWFKFEW***
I expected to find Eli lying in a hospital bed with an IV in his arm- something dramatic, at the very least- but instead, we crossed paths outside the clinic. He was wheeling away from the building with his head held low, and when he saw me coming, he tried to make a break for it. I cut in front of him and grabbed his arm-splint. He yowled in pain.
"AH!"
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I snapped.
He squeezed his eyes shut.
"Claire, this has nothing to do with you."
"Like hell it does! What the fuck are you trying to prove?! What can you possibly gain by manipulating me like this?!"
"I'm not trying to manipulate you!" he insisted.
"Then why did you attempt suicide?"
"WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!"
After a pause, he realized that he had raised his volume enough to cause an echo, and he shrunk away from me nervously.
"Claire . . . this isn't about you. I know it's bad timing, but this isn't because of what happened last night. Not entirely. This has been a long time coming. I'm sorry if you thought that you had any hand in this, but I promise, you didn't. I wasn't supposed to survive, but I guess it's my fault for not realizing that I'd screw this up like I screw up everything else."
I shook my head, mouth agape.
"Eli, how could you do this? . . ."
His gaze was empty.
"I think the better question is, 'What took me so long'? Look, this isn't your fault. It's all me. You don't have to burden yourself with this guilt any longer."
"Eli, I can't let you kill yourself!"
"Why not? Why should you care?"
"Because I'm not a heartless monster!" I roared.
He laughed bitterly.
"Everyone would be better off without me. Just let me do this one last thing, and I won't be able to ruin any more lives."
I shook my head in disbelief.
"Eli . . . you know I can't let you go through with this."
"You don't have to feel badly about it, Claire. I know you're only doing this out of a 'moral obligation'. But I'm a goner no matter what, and it'd be more humane to put me out of my misery now."
I dug my claws into the dirt.
"Jesus Christ, Eli! I don't know what you want me to do!"
"Nothing. I want you to do nothing. We don't owe each other anything, so it's time to let go."
"I can't let you die!"
He swallowed.
"Yes, you can. You have to."
"Why? . . ."
"Because it's not your choice, either way."
He started to turn away from me, but I reached out and grabbed his paw. He became very still.
"Don't do it, Eli. Please."
"There's no reason not to."
I took a deep breath.
"What about hope?"
"Don't have any."
I shook my head.
"There's always hope. Just because you don't feel it, that doesn't mean it's not there. You just have to find it."
"I've tried everything I possibly can, Claire. Nothing helps. I'm a lost cause."
I squeezed his hand.
"Only if you let yourself be."
He lowered his head. I squeezed his paw and stepped closer to him.
"Eli, you don't have to wait for me to tell you that there's some good in you. If you look inside yourself and find something worth saving, that's all you need. You can't keep relying on other people to validate you, whether it's your secret hopes or your worst fears. Nobody can determine the kind of person you're going to be. Nobody except you. Don't wait for my permission to attempt redemption. Whether or not I forgive you has no effect on the kind of person you choose to be."
Tears trickled down his cheeks.
"I can't do it, Claire. I'm just not strong enough."
"Well, only you can decide that, right? So why not try for it?"
He exhaled and let go of my paw.
"Fine. But I'm only doing this so you don't blame yourself. I'll be in my cage, if-"
(If you want to see me again? . . . If I make it out of this alive? . . .)
"If . . . If I'm unsuccessful in becoming a better person. I hope you're right about redemption, but . . . I don't know. It feels like I'm going in circles at this point."
"Spinning your wheels?"
"Yeah, spinning my wheels."
He sighed.
"If things improve, I'll let you know, but until then . . . you know where to find me."
It was a little presumptuous of him to assume that I'd want to visit him, and he knew it. There was clearly more that he wanted to say, but I guess he figured he had taken up too much of my time already, so he simply turned and drove away. After a pause, I waved goodbye.
"I believe in you . . ."
He didn't even look back.
"No, you don't."
And he was right. I was almost positive that I'd be reading his name in the obituary column within a week, assuming at least one person found his death worth mentioning. To me, he was a dead man walking . . . or driving, as it were. I should have felt worse about this, but I was mostly tired. I think I was more upset about my own numbness than the fact that a life might be coming to an end, and that was the shittiest finale I could imagine.
But that was par for the course, when it came to Eli Mills.