Yorkshire, England – Present Day

As she pushed back her plate, John waited with bated breath. After a moment she shrugged and smiled, "I've not had better."

"Really?"

"I swear on all the Scottish food I've had in my life, I've never had better." Anna leaned over the table. "I never took you for a cook?"

"No?"

"Seems a bit too domestic." Anna nodded toward the cupboards, "I'd imagined those all full of MREs."

"They were, once." John took the dishes and moved them to the sink. "There was definitely a period of my life when I had no desires for anything more than what I knew and they were what I knew."

"And now?"

"Now," John turned and leaned back on the counter, "I've domesticated."

"It suits you."

"I hope so." John gestured to his kitchen. "This is all I've got now so I need to treat it better than just relying on it to cook my microwavable food."

"This isn't all you've got."

"No?"

"No." Anna crossed her arms to lean on them. "You've got a whole life ahead of you. A second start, if you will."

"What a way to have a mid-life crisis."

"Better than a never-ending crisis." Anna took a breath, "But, in all seriousness, I think it's a good sign that you're making food that's not from an MRE package. That you've obviously put a lot of time and care into this house. That you're learning how to cook… Or picking it back up."

She sighed, "It's a good sign."

"I knew how to cook."

"What?"

"You said, 'learning how to cook' but I already knew how to cook."

"I did leave room open for the idea that you're 'picking it back up'." Anna shrugged at him with a small smile. "In case you didn't just start teaching yourself from a host of YouTube videos."

"I learned some skills from them but I've known how to cook my whole life."

"You're whole life?"

"Yes." John insisted and gave a shrug of his own at Anna's raised eyebrow. "Just because I didn't like cooking doesn't mean I didn't know how to cook."

"Fair point." Anna gave a little laugh. "I guess we don't really know much about one another do we?"

"No, we don't." John chewed the inside of his cheek. "Outside of basic survival I guess. But that's part and parcel."

"Is it?"

"Learning the conditions of survival with someone usually takes precedence."

"Do as survival mode does, is it?"

"About like that." John wiped his hands on a towel, mostly for something to do with his hands. "We skipped straight to the dangerous stuff by necessity."

"And if we hadn't had to skip to that stuff, by necessity, what would we know about each other?"

"A bit more I'd hope." John took a seat on the stool so he sat at a right-angle to Anna. "But I'm an open book if you've got burning questions."

"I don't think there's anything too burning about my questions, since all the ones that would need answered immediately you did the moment you saved my life in India." Anna shifted her weight on her stool. "They're just the basics I think."

"I'm alright with the basics."

"Are you?"

"Is there a reason I shouldn't be?"

"It's a bit of a different attitude from earlier."

"I decided I should turn over a new leaf." John straightened and opened his hands to Anna. "Ask what you want."

"Anything?"

"I reserve the right to refuse to answer if I think it's too personal." John risked a smile, "Or if I might embarrass myself with the answer."

"I accept those restrictions." Anna got more comfortable on her stool, leaning toward John. "What made you do the work you did?"

"A need to serve I think." John shrugged at Anna's reaction. "My father, who tried his best to support the structure of this house, believed in the need to serve. He believed in the duty of nobility to serve. And while, as a child, I thought it was ridiculous because our house was crumbling around us and our titles mean nothing these days, I grew into the necessity of service."

"And that was it?"

"It was most of it." John sighed, "I started in the army and I found an organization and purpose there I didn't have before. I was aimless when I younger and once I was in the army I found direction. And it steered me into the work I did when I met you."

"Did it fulfill you?"

"The hardest part about leaving it was realizing how much of a hole it filled in my life." John chewed the inside of his cheek. "It's part of the reason I threw myself into my therapy and fixing this house. I wanted… I tried to find the same level of purpose and direction but I'm not sure I've actually found it."

"I can understand that." Anna traced one of her fingers around the whorl in the counter. "When I found out I was pregnant with Michael… I thought my life was over and I'd never be the same again."

"Why'd…" John swallowed, "Why did you keep him?"

"Michael?" John nodded and Anna let out a breath before giving a sad smile. "I wasn't going to. I got as far as the lobby of the clinic before I realized I didn't want to go through with it."

"Why…" John swallowed, "Why not? If I can ask."

"You can ask." Anna continued to stare at the counter and the patternless track of her finger over the whorl there. "I think… I think I didn't go through it because I didn't want to be alone. For all I suffered there was proof there that I hadn't imaged it, that maybe there was purpose in that suffering and… And maybe I didn't have to be alone in it anymore. If I had him then I wasn't… then I wasn't a shadow anymore."

"I can understand that."

"Can you?"

John nodded, "I can understand not wanting to be alone with the pain and wishing there was someone or something there to understand it."

"Not sure how much of it Michael understands, or ever will… Thank gods." Anna gave a humorless laugh. "But… I'm glad I can tell you."

"Are you?"

"Of course." She shrugged a shoulder, "If I tried to explain that to anyone else it would… It wouldn't go over well."

"Because they wouldn't understand?"

"Because it sounds so selfish when I say it out loud."

"We're allowed to be selfish."

"Not when you're a woman with a child." Anna sighed, "Most people think I did because I was being magnanimous about consequences but that's all shit. I kept Michael because I wanted proof I survived."

"But you still feel selfish?"

"Every time I get up in the middle in the night with even the slightest feeling of frustration I remember that 'I chose this' and it's… It's like a punishment."

"My therapist would say that's unhealthy."

"It' a hundred percent is." Anna nodded, "I've admitted it to myself a number of times and I know the truth of it."

"Do you regret it?"

"No." Anna shook her head, "I love Michael with all my soul. But, despite how much I love him, and I do love my son, I will never not remember that I kept him because I didn't want to be alone with the horrible memories of what happened to me. I didn't want to be alone with the reality of what happened because then… Then it was as if it didn't happen at all, in a way."

She released a breath and her shoulders slumped slightly, "And one day I'll have to make peace with that to him. Whether he understands it or not, Michael deserves to know and every little suffering I have with him until then is like a sick penance I've got to manage."

"And you say that I can't go on feeling unworthy."

Anna gave John a little smile, "We're both broken together here, aren't we?"

"We most certainly are." John echoed the movement of her hand to trace his finger around another whorl in the counter. "But I understand the need to have something concrete to help you set a point of stability in a fluctuating world."

"If anyone would, I think it'd be you." Anna bit at her lip before she finally met his eyes. "What's yours… if you want to say."

"Not sure it can be said, legally. But for what I can say about it all…" John swallowed. "For me it's more… More that some of the memories I have, I'm the only one left to bear them because everyone else in them are dead. That makes me the last one to know they happened but if I'm the only one then how do I know they're all as true as I think they are? How do I know they happened as I remember them? How do I know I'm not violating the memory of someone I loved and trusted because I remembered it the wrong way?"

"I don't know." Anna's fingers stopped on the countertop. "Sometimes I wonder if I remembered what happened the right way or if my mind rewrote the memories to try and save me the pain."

"They say trauma rewrites our ability to remember and damages our sense of continuity." John tapped his temple. "None of this was reliable to begin with, in anyone, but then you add the stripping trauma does and you're left with fragments you can't put together. Like someone stuffed six jigsaw puzzles in the same box but none of them were complete to begin with and now you've only bits and pieces."

"Right." Anna bit at her lip and then flexed her fingers in the direction of John's hand. He paused the movement of his hand but did not move it toward hers. "How do you put together what you're not even sure you want to begin with?"

"I've no idea." John sighed, "My therapist tried to say it's best to put it together with someone… But if everyone else is dead then…"

"Then find someone new?" Anna shrugged, her fingers flexing again. "Maybe someone to help separate out the pieces enough to realize they're not all together anymore and then help you walk away from it."

"Sounds like a step in the right direction anyway." John swallowed, "And like your comments earlier today."

"What can I say, we've both had our share of therapy."

"Maybe we should've done it together."

"Maybe we should've." Anna swallowed and her fingers moved closer to John's hand. "There were… When I was pregnant, with Michael, I wished you'd be there with me."

"Me?" John only just stopped himself scoffing at the suggestion when he caught the sincerity in Anna's eyes. His jaw locked just before he could gape at her and forced a swallow to speak. "Why?"

"Because you understood what happened to me. You were there. You could prove it was real and what happened wasn't just a nightmare or a bad imagining or a delusion. I wanted…" Anna sniffed and wiped at her eyes with a hand. "I wanted to not feel alone in it."

"I'm sorry." John finally moved his hand, his fingers barely stroking over the skin of hers as he closed the distance between them. "I'm sorry I wasn't there."

"Could you've been?"

"I don't know."

"No?"

John shook his head, "In the past I couldn't go back to anyone I met. I was a different person. I pretended to be different people. I was… a Legend, as they call it in my former business. The version of me they knew is dead. But with you…" He swallowed, "With you it was different. You saw me and I didn't know how to handle that but once it was over…"

He let out a breath, "I didn't know if you'd want to see me, because I could be a reminder of what happened. But I also didn't know if I was allowed to see you."

"Why not?"

"I didn't know how much you were allowed to know."

"Oh." Anna's fingers shifted under his attentions but did not move otherwise. "If… If you'd known you could find me… If you'd known you were… If you'd been allowed to see me, would you have?"

"I don't know." John shrugged at Anna's confusion. "I can't answer that question because I've not had the chance to really dwell on it."

"You didn't dwell on it?"

"It'd never been an option before so I didn't think it would be a possibility in this case either. Even if I'd wanted to I didn't think that would matter."

"Did you want to see me again?"

"Of course I did." John's fingers curled around her hand and squeezed for a second. "I wanted to apologize."

"Apologize?"

"For how I had to leave you. For how I had to thrust you into the jungle and leave you alone to sell the mission I was on. For how…" John stopped himself and stared at the counter before finding his breath again. "For how I couldn't take the time to comfort you after what happened."

"You didn't owe me that."

"Every moralist would argue that I did owe you that, by virtue of being a human sharing human experience." John gave Anna a small smile. "More to the point, I owed you a moment of comfort before I tossed you to the wolves."

"I'd argue you tossed me away from the wolves."

"It still felt… distant and dirty to play it the way I did."

"How else could you've played it and gotten us both out alive?"

"I don't know." John shook his head, "And I've run that scenario in my head so many times it's frayed like old tape."

"Then stop running it like you somehow failed me."

"Didn't I?"

"Absolutely not." Anna's fingers curled back around his and held there. "You saved me, John."

"It didn't feel that way then." John shifted in his seat but kept his hand still under her hold. "And sometimes it doesn't feel that way now."

"Then come to the conclusion that you saved me." Anna's fingers tightened around his as her eyes held his gaze. "Maybe not from Green in that moment, but you saved me from Vera. You kept me safe through your pain and suffering and… And you're keeping me safe now. You're keeping my son safe."

Anna pulled John's hand to her lips and pressed a kiss at his knuckles. "You're the person I want keeping me safe and you don't owe me any apologies."

"And if I did?"

"Then I've already forgiven you." Anna offered him a little smile and a matching laugh. "I've gone and gotten us into deep conversation again."

"I don't mind." John shrugged, "I don't think I'm made for lighter conversation anymore. Maybe once but… But not now."

"Me either." Anna's fingers stroked over John's hand. "I wish I was, in a way, then I'd feel lighter and younger and less aged by the world, but since I can't then… Then might as well roll with these punches."

"Not much else we can do right?"

"Right." Anna's fingers turned to interlock with John's in an uneven pattern but he did not want to break the hold. "Even if I could find it in me to have a lighter conversation, I don't think we can escape the kinds of things we've endured. Especially given what we've gone through together."

"It stays with you."

"Then let's make it stay with us in a good way." Anna maneuvered her fingers to make their hold more comfortable. "We can make the deep stuff matter."

"It already does." John's fingers wrapped around Anna's as his wrist turned to grasp her hand better. "But things like your favorite color and your least favorite food do too."

"I like the color blue and I don't like stinky tofu or haggis."

"See?" John smiled, "We're learning about one another already."

"I'd like us to learn something else, if you're amenable."

"I'm amenable to whatever you like."

"Are you?

"I am."

Anna raised an eyebrow. "You're sure?"

"I trust you."

"Then," Anna tugged slightly on John's hand to kiss the back of it before leading him off his stool. "Take me to bed."

"What?" John blinked down at her.

"I said-"

"I heard what you said I'm just…" John coughed, "I'm not sure that's the-"

"If you're about to say that you don't think I'm ready then-"

"It's not you I'm worried about. At least, not in that way." John swallowed, "I'm wondering if I'm ready."

"If you're not then-" Anna almost moved her hand from John's but he interlocked their fingers to keep her in place.

"It's the bed." John bit at his tongue at Anna's expression. "I don't… I don't know if I can sleep in one. And since I've only got half a leg on one side it's-"

Anna put the fingers of her free hand over John's lips. "We can work around that and, if you need, you don't have to sleep in the bed."

"I'd want to." John swallowed and blinked to try and clear his eyes. "I don't want to be too broken for this."

"You're not too broken for this."

"I feel pretty broken."

"Then we'll be a matching set." Anna stepped closer to John. "Because I've felt broken for a long time."

"I don't want us to break one another more."

"And if we don't?" Anna smiled up at John when he had no answer. "Have you asked yourself what happens if we don't break one another more?"

"I've not got the heart to ask myself things that give me too much hope anymore." John swallowed, his fingers trembling where they still gripped Anna's. "I've not had the strength to ask myself that sort of thing for a very long time."

"Then let me ask."

"You'd do that?"

"I would." Anna kissed at his knuckles again, her free hand moving from just above his lips to stroke over his cheek. "Because I want to ask what would happen to us if we can put each other back together again."

She waited but John had no answer for her. With a step Anna closed the distance and John held his breath as her hand curved to the back of his neck to urge his lips toward hers. "Let's put each other back together again John."

"Yes." Was all he could breathe against her lips before Anna closed the distance between them and kissed him.

The passion in the kiss was not like the one in the corridor. There was no need to prove anything to him now, to drag him from the timid edge. They stood together in his kitchen but also in the strange expanse of confusion they both shared as they confronted the shadows of their demons. Demons they could name, and perhaps fight on good days, but that never quite beat back enough to fully vanish. And it was on that plane of strange acceptance of circumstance and recognition of shared experience that they came together.

John did not attempt to lead. Part of him hesitated, recognizing the multiplicity of days since he last tried to seduce anyone, and shuffled himself almost away from the kiss in fear. But Anna's fingers firmed on the back of his neck and kept his lips on hers. The tension eased out of his shoulders and when his lips finally softened under hers, Anna pulled away.

He blinked at her, frozen in place as Anna's fingers moved away from the back of his neck. "If you don't-"

"It's not-" John caught Anna's descending hand and held it close to him. "It's been a long time since I've had anything like this and I'm not… I'm not confident in myself or in my…"

He closed his eyes and tried to even his breathing as his fingers moved over Anna's, a slight sigh of relief escaping when he realized she had not moved her hand from his hold. "I've not done this in a long time and I don't want to do it wrong. I don't want to disappoint you."

"I don't think you'll disappoint." Anna's hand, still tangled with John's fingers, moved to escape his hold. For a second his breath caught but then eased when Anna put that hand on his chest. "I think we'll figure this out together."

"Then," John swallowed with a deep breath, "Can I try again?"

"I'd be a little miffed if you didn't."

John leaned down, pressing into Anna's hand on his chest and using his hold on her other hand as a guide, and carefully placed his lips on hers. Like before his lips hesitated for a second but, unlike before, Anna waited for him. Waited for him to move and tilt his head slightly to improve the angle. And she invited him to continue with the slightest widening of her lips to allow John's tongue to dart forward and taste there.

The sigh Anna released had John ending their kiss slowly, sighing as he did at the flutter of Anna's eyelashes. He could not stop the small smile that crossed his lips as Anna's fingers curled into his shirt and pulled him back for another kiss. This one, unlike the previous two, was a bit harder and struck with more passion but proved the spark of ignition John needed to change his grip on Anna's hand.

Releasing entirely, John's hands shifted to Anna's jaw. He cupped there, holding as delicately as he would a piece of fine china, and adjusted the angle of their lips again to risk moving deeper. The coaxing of his tongue playing over her lips opened Anna to him and John almost moaned at the taste of her mouth under his. But the moan he released came from Anna's motions instead as she triggered the response when her fingers graced along the skin above his waistband.

Their third kiss broke and John's thumbs stroked over the skin of Anna's cheeks while her fingers continued to feel under his shirt and ran light patterns higher up his sides. The depth of their breaths left them both speechless as they stood together in the kitchen and stared at one another. Anna's fingers shifted to graze her nails over John's sides and he twitched at the motion. A dart of his eyes to survey their surroundings had him pressing a quick kiss to Anna's lips before he pressed his forehead to hers.

"I think we need to move locations."

"I think so too." Anna let out a breath, "But if you're not confident about the bed then we may need to consider an alternative location."

"I don't think my cot will suffice and I've not got a sofa I could risk the two of us injuring our backs trying to use." John allowed himself a grin when Anna spluttered a little laugh. "If you're with me then… Then I can manage anything."

"You're sure?"

"I'll be as sure as I can be." John took a deep breath and finally opened his eyes. "I'll let you help make me strong."

"I can do that." Anna's fingers left a final caress of his skin as she pulled back. Her hand caught his as she backed away and tugged it just enough to get John to follow her. "Come on then."

"Will it…" John cringed, "Will it wake Michael?"

"Only if we're not quiet." Anna's hand squeezed John's, "Can you be quiet?"

"I've infiltrated offices of dangerous people and hidden to hear things they didn't want anyone else to know." John shrugged, "I think I can be quiet."

"If you're sure." Anna led John down the corridor to her room and pushed into the dark space.

Without a word, they continued into the room. John kept his pace the same distance from Anna as she guided him through the room by experience. The soft impact of her legs hitting the side of the gave John the half second he needed to find the bed while his eyes adjusted to the blue light coming through the window from the weak filter of the moon. It offered just enough detail to make out Anna's form but the rest they would have to trust to tactile sensation.

Again, John surrendered to Anna's lead. Her fingers guided John through the careful removal of their clothing between soft kisses that turned heated in a steady cycle before returning to the careful measuring of one another. Callouses and nails left one another shivering as they tried to take the size and shape of one another in the weakest of lights without the aid of sound to guide them. But, eventually, John shifted to follow Anna's urging and sat on the bed.

Her hands coasted down his now bare chest and left his breath hitching when she strayed close to his hip. But instead of moving to where he heated and rose to answer her motions, Anna's fingers trailed to John's right leg and found the trail of scar tissue and the lip of the plastic socket that rested against his fabric sock. They stopped them and one of John's hands covered Anna's to guide her to where the clasps and catches rested. Together they removed the necessary piece and shifted it to the side of the bed to leave John bare of all of lingering fears.

Part of his thanked whichever god cared to listen for the dark then. Thanked them that, for this first foray into the possible future, he did not have to succumb to any possible pity. Did not have to endure the emotion the sight of his leg demanded. Even someone as wonderful as Anna would suffer an unschooled reaction if she saw it and while John sympathized with the change of pace at the sight of his leg in its current condition, he knew her reaction might leave him without the will to risk what might come next.

For all the smallness that thought left him with, Anna's hand coasting back up his leg and chest to find his jaw brought him back to the moment. Her lips on his kept him in the moment and the words she whispered against them in the next moment had John straightening his spine. "There's no reason for you to be afraid John. It's your reminder that it was all real."

"I don't want you to see me as…"

"As what?" Her fingers massaged at the back of his neck, holding herself close as their foreheads touched. "As less than yourself? As only part a man? As less than anyone else I could possibly have?"

"Yes." John could barely breathe out the answer but she deserved the truth.

"Then you don't know me very well."

"It…" He swallowed, "It might make you wish for another man. A man who's more whole. A better man."

"That would be extraordinarily difficult." Anna's lips met John's again, determined and hard enough this time to yank John from his moment of self-pity. "Because there aren't any. Not for me. Not ever."

They did not speak again after that. There would be no words that could express what John needed Anna to know in that moment. Or what Anna needed John to realize for himself.

Instead there were only sighs and kisses, moans and keening whimpers, groans and half-buried grunts. Anna sighed when John lowered her to the bed, using the strength of his hips to twist their positions and put her back onto the sheets so he could kiss down the length of her body. She moaned and whimpered as John's kisses intensified at her breasts and then against between her legs. And her groans pulled from the core of her as John's fingers continued kneading her breasts or crooking inside her wet heat while his tongue sucked deeply from her before he grunted at her clit to leave Anna writhing beneath him.

Half of a right leg gone or not, John proved dexterous enough to have Anna quivering around him as her orgasm hit. And when he shifted one of her legs over his shoulder, adjusting his position enough to dip his tongue deeper into her, Anna only cried out in higher octaves and came again. Came a third time on his tongue and coated his fingers as John quickly realized he could happily spend the rest of his life leaving Anna in such a state of abandoned ecstasy that he would forget any of his self-recriminating behavior. With her needs to be met, what could he possibly hope to worry about in his own life except her pleasure.

But Anna's fingers in his hair, tugging him from her before a fourth orgasm could leave her an absolutely boneless mess on the bed, stopped John's endeavor. Instead she brought their lips together in a sloppy but determined kiss. One that almost missed in the dark if not for the inherent physics of bodily awareness that allowed Anna to bring their lips crashing together so hard their teeth clacked a little on the impact.

When she pulled away, hauling in breaths so hard her breasts almost flattened against John's chest, John could not stop himself from kissing down the column of Anna's throat. He tasted her sweat, licking at it while his fingers trailed back between her legs and to her breasts. But Anna caught his wrist from between her legs and hauled it away to leave her legs free enough to try and wrap around his hip. That motion, despite the tremors still moving through her body, had John's hips bucking into hers on instinct.

It was his turn to groan and John buried the sound in Anna's shoulder as she ground against him. The slick sop of her soaked folds coated him in seconds and John rutted into the motion. The slide of him between her folds, leaving him dripping with the results of his earlier efforts, had John's fingers digging into the sheets under Anna's sides. And when her other leg came up, angling her hips to slip John just inside her, John let out a moan.

Her voice, soft as a butterfly's wings against his ear, gave him a half second of pause. The rasp of her nails at the back of his neck and side left him quivering in place as the world slowed its turn for the sliver of eternity the moment allowed for Anna to whisper to him. "I want you now John."

He thrust forward then.

There was nothing else to do. Not when Anna curled around him and held him fast outside and in. Not when his body practically vibrated with the potential of expending energy to see to Anna's pleasure. Not when the wet cling of her around him immediately set him moving to establish a rhythm. Not when it took them almost no time at all to come together and for John to join Anna in climax.

They lay together, John still over Anna as her arms around his shoulders refused to allow him to leave, and breathed. After a moment Anna finally released him and John shifted to the side to land on his left. They adjusted in the bed a moment as they tried to find an even pattern for their breaths in the dark.

Somehow John's hand found Anna's and he held it. Their fingers caressed in the dark until John brought it to his lips and kissed the back of Anna's. The motion brought Anna turning onto her side to face him, although John could only make out the broadest of details about the shift.

"I told you we could learn it together."

"You did." John kissed the back of Anna's hand again before leaning forward and finding her cheek to repeat the motion there. "And you were right."

"I'm glad I didn't have to drag you along."

"I'd beg to differ. You absolutely had to drag me along." John thought he could see Anna's smile in the dark. "But I'm glad I didn't make you wait forever or make you hurt in the waiting."

"Me too." Anna's fingers reached out and carefully traced the lines of John's face. "I was a little afraid I might."

"So was I." John took a breath, held it, and then released slowly. "But I'm glad I'm here now."

"So am I."

"I just hope you don't live to regret it."

"How could I?"

"There…" John swallowed, "This is just the beginning. There'll be potholes and rough road ahead. We both know it."

"We do but that's what makes it worth it." Anna took a breath, "I don't want to 'fix' you John and I don't want you to fix me either. I want us to grow together and that's a difficult thing to ask but it's not impossible."

"I don't want you to have to fix me either." John swallowed, "I just hope you don't regret making this decision."

"I couldn't." Anna's voice reached him again as her fingers stroked over the skin of his cheek in the dark. "I only know that I am now who I was probably always meant to be. And, together, we can be who we're meant to be together."

"I'd like that." John took a deep breath and heaved a sigh, "It's strange."

"What is?"

"This is the first time I haven't felt suffocated in a bed."

Anna traced her fingers over his cheek again. "I'm glad I could help with that."

"You help with so much more than that."

"Good." Anna's body moved toward John and, before he fully grasped it, he was on his back and her weight settled over him. "Because I want you to help me with something and then we'll help each other again."

"I'm at your service."

"Good." Anna's lips met his, "Because we've only just started here."