G'Day, friends.

Dingo Joe Thunderguns signing in with another heart-pounding adventure, featuring nature's most exotic and dangerous animals!

This week, I'm exploring the farthest corners of Isla Nublar, hunting down the most vicious dinosaurs known to man.

Our journey begins not with a dinosaur, but with a mysterious creature that defies evolution as we know it. This seaholphin has his tail curled around a bouquet of flowers- probably some kind of grieving ritual, based on the tears flowing down his snogglety-snoot. He appears to be several months pregnant with a snail's eggs. See the swell on his belly? He looks just about ready to sneeze out those little hybrid babies and-

"C-c-couldyoup-p-pleases-s-stoptouchingmyb-b-bellyIaminthemiddleofgrievingthelossofmybelovedJenandI-I-I-WAAAAAAAAAH!"

Alrightee, well, let's move on to our first dinosaur, the agathadon. Now, this four-horned beast is a hybrid of agathaumas and iguanodon. Watch how he chews the vegetation. His teeth are designed for gnashing and tearing. Just another marvel of evolution.

"Um . . . what's with the camera crew?"

Quiet! I'm filming a documentary!

"Oh . . . Am I supposed to do something?"

Just stand there and chew, you useless hunk of meat!

". . . Okay."

See how his molars are serrated on the edges? That's to help grind up the leaves he tears off the tree with his beak. It's not enough to digest them fully. For that, he'll have to swallow a few rough stones.

"Actually, I don't do that. I just take these special pills so I don't have to-"

STOP RUINING MY NATURE DOCUMENTARY, YOU BORING HUNK OF LARD!

Ah, yes, and here we see the utahorsinoceratops in his natural environment. A solitary creature, this pathetic weakling will never find a mate.

"Dude! I've been dating for several months!"

"Ha! Come off it, Franklin."

"No, really, Zia!"

"Why haven't I heard about it, then?"

"I TOLD YOU SEVERAL TIMES!"

"AND I ASSUMED THAT YOU WERE LYING!"

"I WASN'T!"

"Okay, Franklin. I believe you. So do we gotta fly her down from Canada, or-"

"She lives right here on this island, and you know her!"

"Mhm."

"It's true!"

"Then who is it?!"

". . . You're going to make fun of me, aren't you?"

"I'll make fun of you less if you just tell me who it is!"

"Perry."

"Perry? Like, the big, green dinosaur with the spiky frill, Perry?"

"Yes! You got a problem with that?!"

"No, I mean, aside from the age gap-"

"Sixty five million years?"

"No, Franklin. She's from the park, which means she's probably less than half your age."

"Oh. But she's adult dinosaur."

". . . Well, as long as she's an adult dinosaur, there's nothing weird about you two dating."

"And also sleeping together."

"Ew, Franklin!"

"I haven't had anything to brag about until now, gimme a break."

"Alright, alright. Still kinda creepy, though."

"Speaking of creepy, what's with that guy hiding in the bushes?"

"The wh-"

And with that, we move on to our next subject. Follow me!

Ah, now here's an interesting specimen. This Indoraptor-Stegoceratops hybrid is unique in her breed. See how she swells near the belly area? Her excessive volume indicates-

"PARDON?"

Calm yourself, lizard! I'm just saying that the buildup of fat around your abdominal area an sign of- AH! Put me down!

"Claire!"

"Owen! I was just-"

"What'd he do?"

"He was making fun of me."

I wasn't teasing you! I was just saying that you have more weight around your belly than-

"I think it's best that you don't finish that sentence."

Fine. I'll just find another subject to film. You, there!

"Me?"

Yes, you! How would you like to be in a nature documentary?

"I-"

Perfect! Open your mouth.

"Lige dih?"

Exactly. Folks, this is a Mosadon, the most deadly predator to roam the sea and sky. Each tooth is several inches long, and they are constantly being replaced so that this terrifying creature can satiate its bloodlust.

"Blawluh?"

I'm going to step inside this fierce creature's mouth. Judging by her breath, she's just fed, and- AH!

"Pththth! You're repulsive! What gives you the right to just step on my tongue with your filthy boots?"

I'm a nature documentarian-ist. My entire job is violating the boundaries of wild animals. Now turn around and lift your t-

***TSJWFKFEW***

Alright folks, we're back from our break. I've recovered from a recent injury. Lost a few teeth, but that's what happens when a wing strikes your jaw at full force.

The meguanodog has made contact with the agathadon. Don't be fooled by their shared genetic line. These two creatures are polar opposites. Let's see if I can get closer to this fascinating encounter.

". . . just started to feel really depressed, and I don't know why. I want to break down constantly, but it seems foolish when I can't even figure out what's upsetting me."

"It doesn't have to be one thing, or anything. Sometimes, we just get sad, and that's okay. Are you on any medication?"

"I've been thinking about taking antidepressants, but I'm worried that this is a situational problem."

"But if you don't know what's making you depressed-"

"I know, I know. But I have an idea of what usually makes me sad, so it's probably a combination of several things."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"I do, but at the same time, I can't. Every time I try to talk about what happened . . . right before I came here, I break down. I don't like thinking about it. I feel like I'm gonna throw up, and sometimes, I do."

"It's normal to be afraid of death. It's probably even more normal for people who did die already."

"I think that makes it worse. I'm so afraid, Zia. I'm a prey animal on an island full of predators, and I know it's awful to say, but they scare me. They don't mean to, obviously, but every time I see a set of sharp teeth, I feel like fainting."

"Well, what about Claire and Franklin and me? We're all part predator."

"But you're all my friends. And for the record, I did almost hurt Claire, once."

"Maybe you just need to keep making friends, then. It's hard to be afraid of things when you make yourself comfortable around them. I can introduce you to my carnivore friends, if you want."

"I guess having more friends could help, but it's also a lot of pressure. What if they don't like me?"

"Then they won't like you. Some people don't get along. Doesn't mean they're bad or evil or unworthy of love. Just remember that your friends are here, and- HEY! THERE'S THAT SAME CREEP HIDING BEHIND THE FLOWERPOT!"

"The wh- ZIA, NO!"

AAAAAAAAAH!

"YOW!"

". . . Sorry, Gunnar. I haven't been able to control my electric outbursts yet."

". . . No . . . Problem . . ."

". . . Hey, that guy isn't looking so good."

"Oh my god. I think you killed him, Zia!"

"Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit! This is, like, the second time I've killed someone by accident. Moonwatcher's gonna be so pissed!"

"What do we do?"

"Grab the legs."

"Zia!"

"I SAID GRAB THE LEGS!"

"Oh, god . . ."

"Alright, now lift . . . a little further, a little further . . . and, done. Wait here while I grab a shovel."

. . .

"Well, it's just you and me, charred corpse. You wanna hear something sad? This isn't even the worst day of my life . . . Probably the worst day of your life, though . . . Oh god, I'm in so much trouble."

"Gunnar!"

"AH!"

"Relax, it's just me. Start digging."

"I don't have a sh-"

"JUST USE YOUR HORNS."

"Okay, okay."

"Right here."

. . .

"Hey, did you ever see that movie called, 'Thank God It's Friday'?"

"Gunnar, we're burying a body."

"Yeah, but have you?"

"No. Is it good?"

"I don't know. I never saw it. There was an ad for it that played a couple of times, and it popped into my head just now."

"Oh."

"It's weird how these big movies take so much effort to make, and they have all these big stars, and then nobody talks about them ever again."

"Yeah."

"I mean, at least everyone remembers Xanadu because of how bad it was."

"You know, it's not even that bad."

"Yeah, you're right. Why was it known as a famously bad movie? It's just kind of forgettable."

"I think people had different standards back then. Nobody knew about stuff like Birdemic or The Room, so whenever a major release was even a little bit bad, people put it on Top Ten lists."

"That's probably true. How is it that you know more about things than me when you're so young?"

"I've talked to a lot of elder lesbians."

"That sounds like one of those fantasy games."

"You play video games?"

"I've only heard of them. But I did play Pong when it came out."

"Jesus, Gunnar."

"I'm not even that old!"

"Okay, okay. Help me with the legs."

"Oh, god, why did you have to kill someone so burly?"

"It's not my fault!"

". . . Maybe we should come clean, Zia. Sooner or later, someone's bound to find out, and then-"

"Gunnar, we can't let anyone find out. Things have been really precarious lately."

"Precarious how?"

"I'm back on dolphin meat."

"Zia, no!"

"Look, I'm sorry, but dolphins are delicious! And it's not just canned meat anymore. I was almost arrested the other day for taking out a live dolphin near the beach. The cop let me go, but if she finds out about this, I'm toast, even if it was an accident."

"Zia, you can't keep eating dolphin meat-"

"I can so! Look, what am I supposed to do, now that this giant seahorse-dolphin thing is hanging around? He looks so delicious, I can hardly stop myself from jumping on him. If I just keep going with regular dolphin meat, nobody sentient gets hurt."

"I mean, dolphins are arguably the smartest-"

"GUNNAR! I HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM!"

"Admitting it is the first step to sobriety."

"And what are the other eleven steps for dolphin meat addiction?"

". . . Um, Jesus, or something? Submitting yourself to Jesus? Something about submitting- Zia, please don't give me that look, I don't mean it in a sexual way."

"Gunnar, unless Patricia from the gas station is secretly Jesus-"

"Bleh, I don't want to hear about it. It's gross."

"Gunnar!"

"No, I mean, not because you're a lesbian. I just think that intercourse in general is unpleasant."

"Are you asexual?"

"No! I mean, maybe. I mean, no! I just don't want to have sex with anyone, really. But I want a wife and kids, not that that's gonna happen."

"Why not?"

"Well, just look at me. I'm fifty one, and I'm the only member of my species to ever exist. I technically shouldn't even be real. Agathaumas isa dubious species at best, so how exactly am I half Agathaumas, again?"

"I dunno. You're asking someone with electric superpowers. But Gunnar, you don't have to worry about being unique. Why don't you start a relationship with another kind of dinosaur, or a human?"

"Who would ever want me?"

"Gunnar, don't-"

"But it's true, though. I'm not particularly charismatic or attractive, so what hope do I have of wooing someone?"

"There's a lid for every pot."

"Yeah, but I'm more like a kettle."

"But the pot calls the kettle black, and the point of the expression is that they're basically the same."

"They're the same color, but nobody likes kettles."

"Why not?"

"Like everything in the kitchen, if you don't use them a lot, they just take up space."

"Oh, come on. You're not a waste of space."

"Some people would disagree."

"Like me!"

"AH!"

"What the hell, Moonwatcher?!"

"Just stopping by to inform you that I have to give you an official warning regarding your behavior."

"We didn't mean to kill him."

"No, I was referring to Zia being so open about her polyamorous lesbian relationship. We're going to get in trouble with the network."

"Well, this is the first I'm hearing about this. Zia, why haven't you introduced me to your girlfriends?"

"One is on fire constantly, and the other doesn't want Claire to know that she's here."

". . . What."

"Sorry Gunnar, but you'd never lie to Claire, so I can't tell you about it."

"Oh. Well, anyway, I don't think it's hurting anyone, Moonwatcher."

"No, but we won't continue to air if you step too far over the line. It'd be different if you were doing it as a joke, or if you were magical talking rocks that we could claim don't have genders or sexualities, all the while heavily coding you with both, but otherwise, we can't let normal polyamorous relationships be talked about."

"I mean, I did just mention that one of my partners is constantly on fire, and I have electric superpowers, but I know what you mean. Don't you control the media, though?"

"Yes, but I need to run things past the board. Unless I revolt in a bloody fight to the death with each member individually, I can't do anything about their censorship."

"And just to be clear, they have a problem with consensual relationships, but not literal murder?"

"Well, to be fair, this guy isn't dead. He's just zonked out. You really should have brought him to a hospital before immediately trying to dispose of the body."

". . . Oh. Then I guess this isn't a problem."

"I mean, it's still-"

"You know what? I'm bringing him to the hospital right now."

"Yeah, good call."

***TSJWFKFEW***

And that's why I was forced to renew my exotic animal handling certificate.

Stay tuned for more adventures from Dingo Joe Thunderguns!