Warning: some content of this chapter might be disturbing to some. Semi-graphic depictions of death. I'd like to take another opportunity to remind readers that this is rated M for a reason. Language, violence, sexual content, some horror-esque content related to supernatural creatures/lore. Be mindful if this stuff is triggering for you.

Other than that, happy Wednesday/update day!

Sunday, March 1, 2015

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Jacob

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He knew he had issues with false responsibility. Control bled into that, sometimes.

Taking things into their own hands, being their own saving graces, refusing all the pity-filled looks and offers of help; it had been the only way for Jacob and his sisters to survive and stay sane after the loss of their mother and subsequent sinking of their father. He'd made straight A's and excelled at sports. Once he was old enough - maybe even before then - he did his own laundry, cooked his own dinner, and solved his own problems. Embry's mother had always commented that he was so mature for his age.

Take a note from your friend, Em. He's a good influence.

Jacob hadn't thought so. Embry's mom didn't know that he was drowning most of the time. Afraid and stressed, with no idea what he was doing. It was easy to pretend. To smile and assure everyone that everything's fine . To participate and laugh and make friends. Embry knew, though. He was the only person Jacob could ever talk to with any honesty about how hard things were. Simple things.

When he woke himself up in the morning and remembered that his mother used to be there at the edge of his bed; soft fingertips brushing away the hair on his forehead and gentle 'good morning, sweethearts' that made him smile pre-consciousness .

As he dropped toast in the toaster for himself, he remembered that he used to sit at the table and watch her do it; humming her favorite tunes and then, before plating his breakfast, cutting off the crust because he hates the consistency of it.

As he walked himself into school and remembered when she used to drop him off; ducking his head to look at her through the open car window, halfway to the door.

"I love you to the moon," he'd say.

Like clockwork, from the time he was old enough to speak the words, she'd replied, " And back and back again. "

Embry had cried when Jacob told him that. Jacob had watched his best friend and realized, with numb confusion, that he couldn't. Billy had taken the call in the middle of the night and screamed, overcome with grief, waking Jacob, Rachel, and Rebecca from sleep. Jacob had been too afraid to move. He could hear his father's broken voice demanding no, no, no, please no, don't do this, don't take her , and couldn't fathom what was happening. He'd stared at his ceiling, heart pounding, his stomach already sick, until Rebecca had thrown open his bedroom door. She was shaking and wide-eyed, her face wet, her chest heaving. She'd climbed into his bed and fell beside him; half hiding in the cushion of his pillow, half reaching for him. Jacob could see Rachel sitting against the wall in the hallway, curled inward and silently screaming.

Her mouth was opening and closing but no sound ever came. The memory of the veins in her neck and temples bulging as she fought to expel the pain stuck with him. A nightmare within a nightmare. Rebecca had inhaled sharply enough that it drew his attention back to her. He'd only seen her cry a few times. Crying was Rachel's crutch. It was like they'd swapped roles; Rachel unable to let it out and Beck unable to keep it in.

" She's dead ," Rebecca had told him, wracked with sobs that made her voice sound like someone else; unfamiliar and raw. " Mom's dead and she's never coming back ."

Rachel had stumbled into his room and they were on either side of him. They were a little bigger, a little longer. He hugged them to him, anyway, and they'd cried until his shirt was soaked through with tears. Not his.

Never his.

Something shifted in him after that. He shouldered others' problems because it was easier than shouldering his own. The trouble with that, though, was the inevitable failure. He couldn't force people to be happy, couldn't actually take away their pain, no matter how badly he wanted to. Taking care of himself had instilled in him a want – no, a need – to take care of everyone around him. Most of the time, his reasonable mind could see that he was doing too much; attachments and investments that would go nowhere. That never stopped him, though.

Bella ignited that need to be responsible.

Seeing her so broken, lonely, and burdened made him want to un burden her. Make her smile. Set right whatever Edward had done wrong. As usual, it came at a cost.

"Jacob. Hey. Hi." Bella stared at him, wide-eyed, through a crack in the front door. She opened it wider. "I – Hey."

He huffed out a laugh. "You said that."

"Right." She stuffed a hand into her hair and angled her body towards him, then away. "Did you wanna come in?"

Jacob nodded and followed her through the foyer and kitchen, into the living room. Charlie wasn't home. His scent was present but faded. The television was on. Loud.

"What're you watching?"

Bella grabbed the remote and paused, plummeting the room into ringing silence. "Oh, uh, Supernatural . Y'know, with the brothers. The Winchesters."

"Uh." Jacob glanced at the screen and shook his head. "Nah, haven't seen it. I don't watch much tv."

"Right. It's about, like, demons and ghosts and vampires and, y'know, werewolves and stuff."

How fitting , he thought. "Oh. Cool."

Bella hovered by the side of the loveseat, arms crossed over herself, shifting from one foot to the other. She looked okay. A little skinny, maybe. There were bags under her eyes that he assumed were from her continued nightmares. She'd told him that it was better while they were hanging out. He wondered, compulsively, if they'd come back because of him. He hated that he immediately felt guilty, even knowing – knowing – that it wasn't his fault. It wasn't his responsibility. It wasn't .

The entire center of the living room was between them. Jacob didn't sit down and neither did she.

He began. "Sorry I kind of ghosted you. Things have been… a little crazy."

"Your dad said mono, right?"

"Apparently, yeah."

" The kissing disease ," Bella said in an odd voice. Maybe as a joke. "Where'd you pick that up?"

"Not a clue."

Silence descended again and Jacob felt himself growing more and more uncomfortable. He looked at her now and couldn't just see Bella . He saw Edward and fangs and blood. Dead bodies and crinkled missing posters hanging all over Forks and the rez. He pushed it all away.

"I mean, I kissed you," Bella finally said. "I didn't get sick."

Jacob stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "I don't know. It was a small kiss."

"We haven't talked about that."

"No," he said at length. "I'm sorry. After the movie theater, I just thought we could use some… space."

"Space? You were giving me space?"

The thought seemed to offend her. Jacob shook his head and steeled himself. "No, Bella, I was giving myself space. You kinda caught me off guard."

Her face pinched and she looked away from him. Jacob could hear her heart pounding; the anxiousness in her shaking breaths. She sat down on the arm of the loveseat. "We've gotten so close. I thought –" She sighed. "Everything was starting to come back together."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Bella laughed sharply. "Sorry for what? I should have waited. Given us more time. I was just… comfortable , I guess. Things felt like they were progressing in that direction, so…"

He wished the floor would swallow him. This was one of the purposes of his visit, but he'd secretly hoped that she would try and play it off and pretend it never happened. "Bella," Jacob began, but she held up a hand.

"You don't have to explain. I made things uncomfortable. It's fine." A small smile curved her mouth, and she lifted a shoulder. "So. You look different."

He snorted. "Yeah. Been getting that a lot."

"What's the deal? On some new workout program or…"

"Something like that."

An awkward moment and then she said, "What's new?"

"Was wondering the same thing. Leah mentioned that you've been… hiking ?"

She hadn't actually mentioned it to him . Leah had told Rachel, who told Billy, who told him. That had been her reason for stopping by the other night, but they'd been sidetracked by her slip of the tongue and Sam's subsequent explosion. Everyone knew she was in on the secret now. Jacob had been lectured by his father, Harry, Old Quil, then the Council as a whole. He hadn't seen or phased with Sam since. A band-aid on a gunshot wound. They'd have to deal with each other eventually.

Bella's brows knit and she began to fidget, picking at her thumbnail. "Yeah, up near Tassel Creek. We talked about going, remember?"

"To look for your meadow."

"Yes. Yeah." She lifted a shoulder. Her eyes were sharper when she looked at him; accusatory. "Didn't have anything else to do."

Jacob ignored it. "What are you hoping to find there? Is that –" He watched her face and her body language, listened closely to her pulse that was still fluttering and darting all over the place. How to ask her without asking? "Is that all you're looking for?"

"What do you mean?"

"I just – it's kinda weird that you're so hellbent on finding some meadow you and your ex went to a few times. Is there something there? Do you – are you hoping to find him there?"

Bella breathed a humorless laugh. "You make me sound like a crazy person."

"Not crazy. Just… I don't know. Grieving? Holding on to whatever connection you had with him by holding on to things you shared?"

"What are you a therapist now?"

"I'm just trying to understand."

"I don't know, Jacob. It was just a special place. I'd like to see it again."

"Okay." He watched her eyes drop to her hands, her fingers picking and pulling at her nails. She wasn't going to tell him anything more. Edward had left Bella alone in the woods with a broken heart, and she would take his secrets to her grave. Anger gripped his lungs. He breathed, anyway. "Okay. Listen, I gotta go. Embry's waiting for me. We have plans."

"Glad to hear you're talking again. Guess you've joined Sam's creepy cult, too, huh?"

There was a bitterness in her tone he refused to acknowledge. Still, guilt crept into the anger; an ever-present weight. "Yeah. I guess I have." He turned to cross the space between the living room and the front door.

She stopped him in the kitchen.

"Jacob, hey. Look. I – I know things are weird right now. I know a lot of it is on me. Y'know, dumping the bikes on you, kissing you, all my Edward –"

" – Don't apologize for him, Bella. You don't owe him that." Jacob shook his head. "You don't owe him anything."

Her lips pursed and she was looking at him in that way she did; wide, watery eyes seeking refuge in his expression, his presence. "I know," she whispered. "I know, and I'm trying. Could you – can we talk? I mean, can we start, like, hanging out again? I'd like to… fix this."

"I've got a lot going on right now, Bella." Her face began to crumble, those seeking eyes cracking under the strain of being abandoned. His gut churned. "Text me. Okay? We'll start there."

Jacob watched the hope stitch her back together, and she smiled. "Yeah. I'll text you."

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"How'd she take it?"

Jacob pulled the rabbit onto a scenic turnoff and cut the engine. He shoved the door open and snatched his legs from the tiny space under the steering wheel, squeezed through the door frame. It pissed him off every. single. time. He made a decision, right then and there, that he was going to finish the truck in his garage immediately and retire the rabbit for good. It was just too fucking small.

"I didn't say anything."

Embry sputtered. "What? You were supposed to go over there, get whatever information she'd give you, and then let her know what's what. That you don't have feelings for her."

It was still morning and Bella would be going out soon. Her bookbag and shoes had been by the door when he'd stopped by. Harry said Charlie was worried, that Bella was still disappearing for hours at a time, giving him some lame excuse whenever he asked. She was looking for something – the meadow, Edward, or maybe even someone else. Maybe she knew the vampires that were lurking around Forks. Either way, she was their best lead. Following her trail might give them something new to go on.

Sam didn't know that Jacob and Embry were in Forks. Neither did the Council.

"Yeah, well, she -" He sighed. "I feel bad."

Embry shook his head and fell into step. They needed to move northeast. Bella would take the highway as far as she could, and the trails along and around Tassel Creek were fairly tame. They had more ground to cover than she did.

"You feel bad because your feelings are, what's the word?"

"Platonic."

"Yeah, platonic. What are you gonna do? Keep letting her haul you around, kissing her feet until she finds something more interesting? What if that never happens?"

Jacob shrugged and, at the wood line, began undressing. "I don't know, Em. I just don't wanna be the reason she's sad."

"You're not . She's sad because Edward dug his hooks as deep as he could and then bailed. You playing her pitiful replacement guy is… fucked up, honestly."

The first couple of weeks stripping naked in front of the others had been… odd. He didn't even think about it now. Jacob folded his clothes and arranged them at the base of a tree a few feet into the forest. "We got bigger things to worry about," he said, gearing up to phase.

"Hey."

Jacob turned and Embry's whole face was pulled into a frown.

Embry said, "You gotta let this thing go. Whatever it is."

"I know."

They dropped it, finally , and began their journey north and east, back through Forks and beyond. The Cullens' land bordered the Olympic National Forest. Jacob guessed Bella's meadow, if she was nosing around Tassel Creek, might be within or around that border. It was irresponsible for her to go out there alone. Vampires aside, wandering around in the forests, surrounded by undeveloped land and very few people was asking for trouble; bears, fall injuries, the possibility of getting lost.

He thought of the night his mom was killed. The horror-tainted memories. His father's screams and his sisters' tears. The awful sounds they all made.

No one would be there to hear Charlie if she died. He'd get that call and would be alone, screaming into an empty house, planning her funeral at the kitchen table on a yellow notepad in silence. He'd drown in that silence every day for the rest of his life.

" Dude, stop. "

Jacob flinched and rebuilt the walls around his thoughts. " Sorry ."

It took them half an hour to make it to the fringe of Olympic National Forest. They'd moved slowly, looking for scents, studying the layout. Bella's trail was easy to pick up. They followed it from the turnoff she parked her car on, mostly uphill, but then deviated.

" It's strong here ."

Jacob grunted his agreement. He hadn't seen either of the vampires, so couldn't match a face to their scents. This one didn't breach Quileute borders as often as the other one, but it was all over Forks and other parts of Clallam County. " Let's see where this takes us ."

The underbrush grew thicker as they moved inward, farther and farther away from the highway. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to the leech's movements. This was the farthest they'd tracked it away from the city, though. It seemed odd.

" Maybe it has a house out here. Like a cabin or something? "

Jacob sniffed upward, testing the air. " Maybe ."

Another half-hour and Jacob's skin began to crawl. There was something… foul tainting the scents of the forest. As they drew closer to whatever it was, the air became thick and the smell morphed into a mixture of piss and shit and the acrid tang of trash left baking in the sun. Jacob could barely breathe. He could taste it on his tongue. Every fiber of his being wanted to run away and find fresh air.

" This is fucking… unholy. "

Jacob sneezed once, twice, three times. His eyes were watering. " What the hell is it? "

Part of him knew. Deep down, he knew.

They were about sixteen miles north of where Bella was currently 'hiking'. Sixteen miles separating her from the lifeless body of a woman, drained of blood, her milky eyes looking at them from beneath a blanket of leaves.

" Holy shit ," Embry exhaled.

Could they throw up in wolf form? Jacob wondered. He felt like he might.

" Do you recognize her? " Jacob asked, and began circling the body. " From one of the missing posters, maybe? "

Embry hung back. Jacob watched his sides constrict, his whole body heave. It took him a good two minutes to collect himself. He put his nose to the ground and tried to piece together what happened here. Did the leech bring her here alive? Was she out here camping or hiking – wrong place, wrong time? Was this just its dumping area?

" I don't recognize her ," Embry finally said, moving closer. " The Council's got all those posters up at City Hall. I haven't seen her face. "

The woman was young, maybe mid-twenties. She was wearing worn hiking boots, jeans, and a hoodie. Her brown hair was up in a ponytail. She looked overwhelmingly normal. Like someone he'd see at a grocery store. Her skin was pale and she was gaunt; protruding cheek and brow and jaw bones. Her eyes seemed to track him wherever he went. It was eerie.

" There's tracks. No drag marks. "

Embry gagged again. Shook himself. " I guess vampires don't need to drag their victim's bodies. Strong enough to carry 'em. "

Jacob moved up an incline, following the footprints. " Spread out. See if there are others ."

" God, I hope not ."

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Bella was gone by the time they cleared the area.

It was just the one body, but that was enough. Jacob called Billy as soon as he reached the car and Billy notified the rest of the Council. They'd have to find a way to report the body without implicating themselves. Couldn't explain to the police that a couple of their local shapeshifters happened to stumble upon her during a run. It would be tricky, though. There were no hiking trails that far in. No campsites. Just sprawling, untouched forest.

Jacob went straight home and into the garage. He needed something to distract him from lifeless eyes watching his every move.

Mid-afternoon moved into evening, and he was squatted by the front passenger wheel well, checking the security of the inner fender he'd just put back on, when he heard a car pull in. He didn't stop working as it parked and the door opened and shut; listened halfheartedly as footsteps moved up the ramp to the door and then inside. It could have been anyone. Sue, Harry, Seth. Hell, even Emily. As the back door opened and the footsteps squelched along the muddy incline towards the garage, Jacob nixed those possibilities. Without trying, he smelled her a good thirty seconds before her feet appeared in the open doorway. She was wearing black galoshes that rode up to the knee of her distressed blue jeans. Smart, he thought. The air felt moist. He could practically taste the incoming storm.

"Jake," Leah called.

"Here."

Jacob knew how this probably looked. Last time they were together she'd accidentally let slip that she knew about the wolves, leading into a semi-physical altercation between him and Sam which, in turn, put the Council on his ass about breaking rules and involving civilians. Sam no longer trusted him and the pack was in disarray. Emily had withdrawn and spent the last forty-eight hours compulsively baking and skirting around Sam and the rest of the wolves, likely suffering from PTSD – a result of nearly being mauled to death by her shifter boyfriend. Jacob hadn't spoken to Leah since the whole thing went down. She'd texted him a couple of times. Called once. He imagined it looked like he was ignoring her. That wasn't it. Not really.

Jacob was not mad at her. She'd been talking to him about the wolves and vampires and even imprinting for weeks. Paul was the idiot that dropped one of their 'secret terms' into casual conversation with someone that wasn't supposed to know. Leah's answer was reflexive. He understood. The idea of it had thrown him a bit, though.

There were even a few quiet moments he'd had to himself where he'd wondered if he had, in fact, imprinted on her. It would've been easier to explain away some of the differences between them than simply saying, I've been attached at her hip for a solid month because I blinked and she was suddenly this beautiful, wonderful presence that I can't stop thinking about and crave whenever she's gone .

How fucking awkward.

"New job?" she asked, rounding the front of the truck.

Jacob was filthy. Covered head to toe in grease and dirt and gunk from the motor and undercarriage. He peeked one eye at her, the other pinched closed in effort as he reached along the axel, feeling for the wrench he'd balanced there. It clattered to the ground. "Nah. This one's for me."

"You're retiring the rabbit? You love that stupid car."

He did. It was the first vehicle he'd done extensive work on, all on his own, and got running. Leah hopped up on his tool cabinet and set her phone down beside her.

"Yeah, well, I don't fit in it anymore. I'm sick of trying to squeeze in and out." Jacob pulled his arm out and sat up, spun around on his butt to face her fully. Leah's hair was tightly plaited in some thick, convoluted style, the tail of the braid hanging over her shoulder. It was pretty. He very nearly told her so. "What's up?" is what came out, instead.

"What's up?" Her brows arched and a wry frown twisted her lips downward. "Two days of radio silence and you give me a 'what's up'?"

"I meant to call you earlier. Embry and I followed up with Tassel Creek." He ran a hand through his hair and instantly regretted it. The grease would be hard to get out. "Nice catch, by the way."

"Did you find anything?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah. Lots of vampire stink and one of its victims."

Leah's eyes widened. "Another victim? One of the missing posters?"

"No. Neither of us recognized her. This was someone else."

"Shit." She shook her head, her expression pinched. Disgusted. "And they're still out there, probably doing the same thing to someone else right now."

Jacob grunted. "Gotta convince Sam to start patrolling Forks, too. It's the only way we'll get them."

That drew her attention back to him. "Have you told him about this?"

"We haven't talked since Friday. I've informed the Council. I think it's best they give him the news. Embry and I weren't supposed to be out there."

"Okay, well, it's a good thing you were. I mean, what's his deal with Forks anyway? The treaty? The Cullens don't even live here anymore."

Jacob propped his elbows on his knees and shrugged. "There are other… issues . He's not thinking straight right now."

"I'm guessing it has something to do with you." He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. Leah scoffed and looked up to the ceiling. "Damn. I'm sorry, Jake. You know I didn't mean to –"

" - I know you didn't. This thing between me and him is no one's fault. Don't worry about it."

"Maybe, but I doubt I helped things." She lolled her head to the side and then back to face him. "How much trouble did you get in?"

"Just took a little flak from dad and Harry, the rest of the Council. A lot of talk. No big deal."

"Well. I'm still sorry." She snorted. "I can't believe I did that. Paul said imprint and it didn't register until after Sam flipped his lid."

Jacob nodded and felt strangely on edge. He wanted to get away from this subject. The whole thing with Sam just… pissed him off. He didn't want to remember or feel that type of anger again, even knowing it was probably inevitable. Imprinting felt like equally dangerous territory. He'd rather talk about vampires and –

"Can I ask you something?"

Fuck.

He smiled. It was weak and he knew she saw it. "Sure."

For the first time since this whole thing started, she looked uncertain. Her eyes didn't dart to the side or settle in her lap, though. She studied his face, and seemed to consider her words carefully before asking, far more quietly than was customary, "Did you?"

Jacob knew what she was asking. He was struggling, however, to figure out why she was asking it. Had he been that obvious in the previous weeks? Had he said something that made her wonder? He knew what she was asking but still wanted to hear her say it. "Did I what?"

Her lips smacked in annoyance. "Jake, you know what."

"A lot has been going on. You could be talking about –"

" – Did you imprint on me?"

Such a strange and intriguing concept. He shook his head. "No."

"Are you sure?"

He laughed. "Am I sure? I've been in the others' heads. I've seen what that does to them. Yeah, I'm sure." His head tilted, curious. "Unless I've turned into some simpering, boot-kissing simpleton that can't function without your approval and just didn't notice."

"No. Nothing like that," she agreed, a small smile easing over her mouth. She was still staring at him and watched his eyes closely when she said, "But there is something . Something different."

It was a good description of the last month. Not imprinting, but something .

"A lot has changed since I phased."

"I don't mean different like the pack and your size and all the heightened senses and hoorah bullshit with Sam. I mean between you and me. Something's felt different with us. There's this, like, tension. Not bad . Just… there." She shook her head and laughed lightly. "God, I've tried to think of a word for it and keep coming up blank."

Not imprinting, but something .

A weight settled on his chest. Jacob didn't have a word for it, either. He didn't even think he had the strength or the balls to talk about it . What was he supposed to say? This was one of his best friends. Someone unfailingly important to him. He felt inches away from losing all that just hearing her bring it up.

"I don't know, Leah. I was the only person that told you the truth about everything. Could be –"

She laughed in his face. "Don't try to flip this around. You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"Yeah."

Jacob exhaled slowly and considered his options. She leaned forward, watching him watch her. A standoff. An errant thought about how big her eyes were, how they reminded him a bit of toffee, got his lips moving.

"I do know," he began slowly. "And I'm not – I don't think we should talk about it."

Leah's brows furrowed. "But –"

" – You know I'd never lie to you. And I won't now. I'm just asking that you give me a little time to figure it out. Then we'll talk."

She continued to hold his gaze. He could see her expression flickering as she deliberated. Leah was stubborn. She desperately wanted to discuss this. Had probably been thinking about it for days. Jacob was pretty certain she wouldn't force him, though. He hoped she wouldn't.

"Okay." Leah dropped to the floor and squatted in front of him, partially between his legs. He forced himself to hold still when she readjusted the stray hairs along his forehead. "Don't think I'm gonna forget about this. You know me. I'll give you time, just –" She took a deep breath in. "Just don't make me wait too long."

Jacob's brows furrowed. He knew that something had shifted between them, but now he was curious about what that looked like on her end. Was it just his behavior, or was it hers , too? Not for the first time, Jacob felt like he was missing something. There was a disconnect between them that hadn't existed for most of their friendship. He could usually read her well. In some ways, that was still true. But now…

Not imprinting, but something .

"Okay," he agreed.

Leah's phone buzzed on the tool cabinet and she stood, swiped it open. She glanced back at Jacob. "Sam," she informed him. "He's been calling and texting since Friday. Says he wants to talk."

"You going to?"

She snorted. "Hell no. Fuck him. What, now that someone else did what he wouldn't, he wants to sit down and talk it out ? Gimme a break." Leah stuffed her phone in her back pocket. "I've gotta get back to the house. Mom's at work and dad's out, so I'm on dinner duty." She studied him for another drawn-out moment. He desperately wanted to know what she was thinking. "No more radio silence?"

Jacob smiled at her. "Promise."

Leah started to round the truck, stopped, and came back. She leaned down and kissed his dirty cheek. "I'll text you when I get home."

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Monday, March 2, 2015

2:45 a.m.

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He fell face-first into the bed, running on empty.

Patrols were a little more aggressive now. They ran harder, farther, trying to get ahead of one of the vampires while still following Sam's orders. He'd phased in a few times tonight to check on them. They followed the scents and tracked the prints and tried their hardest to figure out a pattern, if there was one.

They got nowhere.

The frustration burned his lungs and pricked the temper Jacob tried desperately to keep smooth and under the surface. He was struggling; at a loss and caged and so fucking tired .

Jacob's phone buzzed and he almost ignored it.

Leah's name made him glad he didn't.

Goodnight, Jake .

He smiled. A lot of bad shit had happened between Friday and today. At the very least, he still had this.

Not imprinting, but something .

Goodnight, Leah.

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