Alright, Eli. Go ahead. I'm ready for the whole story.

***TSJWFKFEW***

Oh, gosh, I've never done something like this before. Okay, here we go. If I'm bad at it, just skip this part and see what Claire's up to, okay?

It all started when you called me to-

Sorry.

It all started when Moonwatcher called me to the big welcome party. I had a bit of trouble getting my engine started, which I thought might be because of a terrible fear that was eating away at me lately. I was supposed to meet the new arrivals- people who had been turned into dinosaurs in the other world- and give a big, apologetic speech. Most of them were victims of the incident at the auction, of course, so I felt it necessary to step up to the plate. Moonwatcher informed me that many of the Indoraptors had been partly de-dinosaurized with a serum designed to help Claire, but it wasn't entirely effective, so basically, there were a bunch of dinosaur-humanoids walking around now. The delicate nature of their new shape made it impossible to revert them back to either species entirely, and they weren't too happy about that. It was my job to assure them that everything was going to be okay, especially since I was, quote, "Quite a bit uglier than them."

Anyway, when I got to the soccer field where they had set up the-

Wait, what's Raptorball? . . . Right, okay. So I arrived at what was apparently a "Raptorball" field, and Moonwatcher pointed to several people, naming them one by one.

That's when I saw her.

When I first laid eyes on Phyllis, it was like seeing my future unfolding right then and there. I had never met her before, but she looked familiar, and not just because she was part Indoraptor. I had a feeling that we'd be seeing a lot of each other from that point on, and even if that was wishful thinking, I was positive that I at least wanted her in my life. Part of me was a little hesitant about making rush judgments like that, but something about the way she carried herself made it clear that she was exactly the kind of person that I'd get along with. She looked shy, but in an unusual way, like she was otherwise a confident person, but for some reason, was put into a situation where she felt uneasy.

I guess in hindsight, I probably should have realized that turning into a giant dinosaur-lady might do that to a person.

Anyway, I felt like I knew a lot about her just by watching her move around, and I know for a fact that I was right, because- Well, because it's now, and that was then.

Look, I'm sorry that I'm not good at this, but I'm trying my best.

Anyway, I found myself rolling over to the bleachers to speak with her. I thought at first that I might simply be pointed downhill, but I realized that I was moving semi-voluntarily, as though pulled by destiny. I didn't pay much attention to what the crowd was doing behind me, because the world seemed to disappear in that moment. And then I was in front of her, and she turned around, brushing a tuft of hair away from her eyes, and I felt my heart plummet into my wheels.

"Hi," she said.

It took a moment for me to reply, because the ability to form words had left me. But I felt as though the situation transcended language . . . except it didn't, because she was staring at me with confusion. I opened my mouth a couple times before making a sound.

"Hello?"

I choked out the greeting, my cosmic reverie interrupted by her questioning look. I realized that I had waited too long to reply, and suddenly, my daze fizzled out, and I was my usual pathetic self again. I suddenly felt very small, and very watched. No one other than Phyllis was looking at me, but I felt like an embarrassment to the world in general, I guess.

I cleared my throat.

"I mean, hello."

Okay, as pathetic as that was, at least it was something.

Phyllis leaned over a little to look at my leg.

"Are you a robot?"

My eyes went wide. Of all the questions she could have asked, this one, I had no answer for. She covered her mouth quickly.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to offend you. It's just that I studied robotics and-"

"You didn't offend me," I assured her, "I just . . . I haven't thought about it. I know I'm part dinosaur, part car, and I used to be a human-"

"Didn't we all?" she snorted, "One day, you're just a regular person, then suddenly, you're a monster. Not you, I mean. Er- I don't know your story. It's just that after what happened in the manor, I spent a few months tearing apart rabbits in the woods, and when they tried to fix me, they only got me halfway, so now I'm part bloodthirsty monster and part actual human being. How's your day going?"

I gulped.

"Yeah, it's not easy. I mean, I didn't inherit much, as far as instincts are concerned- I don't even understand my own body half of the time- but I drink gasoline and cry wiper fluid, so- Not that I was crying. I haven't cried all day! . . . Shit, that's not as normal as it sounded in my head . . ."

She smiled sadly.

"I don't blame you for crying. I've done a lot of that myself, lately. Looks like you got it worse than me. I mean, you're cool and all, but I get why you don't like it. It's hard being something new. I'm pretty hideous now, and-"

"No, you're not."

She cocked her head. I swallowed nervously, heart pounding.

"I mean, I think you look alright . . . In my personal opinion . . ."

After a pause, she burst out laughing.

"Well, okay. As long as it's your personal opinion."

I tried not to show how sheepish I was feeling, but I could sense an unevenness in my smile. She punched my arm playfully.

"Just so you know, I think you look pretty neat too. I'd love to talk more sometime. Like I said, I've always been into robots."

You know, the way she said it, it sounded like a double entendre, which was fine by me, even if it was a little weird. Hell, if I had found the one person who could settle for me, who might even be attracted to me, I wasn't about to complain.

Phyllis crossed her arms and leaned against the side of the bleachers.

"Maybe we can talk more after this party, or whatever it is. We can focus on more pleasant topics, hard though it may be. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever get used to this body. And what pisses me off is that they think an apology will be enough."

I bit my lip.

"I know it's not enough . . ."

She snapped her fingers and pointed at me excitedly.

"I'm glad you agree! I thought everyone here was just gonna ignore the fact that we basically have to play nice with the asshole who ruined our lives."

Oh, fuck.

"I mean, the guy hasn't shown his face in all this time, he's done nothing to make up for his actions, and now he expects us to buy this little damage control press conference?"

I tried to say something, but it came out as a pained squeak.

"I swear to god, once this thing is over, I'm gonna have a word with him. I might even follow him home and key his car."

She noticed my discomfort at the poor choice of words.

"I'm sorry. Is that weird, since you're part car? . . . Or is it just weird because I'm obsessing over it? I was joking, you know. I wouldn't follow him home."

I shook my head to snap myself back into conversation mode.

"Oh, well, you know . . . I wouldn't blame you. The guy's an asshole . . ."

She frowned.

"You okay? You look upset."

I swallowed.

"Me? Upset? No . . . I'm just angry that this . . . guy is getting away with dodging responsibility."

She nodded.

"Yeah, me too."

After a long pause, I smiled awkwardly.

"You know, once we find out who's behind all this, we can go slash his tires . . . on his car . . ."

She smiled.

"Aw, man. That's twisted. You know, I was only kind of joking before, but if you really want to do it . . . it's a date."

I couldn't stop myself from smiling.

"A date?"

She elbowed me impishly.

"Yeah. We gotta stick together. It's not easy living normally, after what we've been through, but we won't let ourselves be victims, right?"

"Right."

I noticed Moonwatcher waving me over to the stage. I bit my tongue and turned to Phyllis with a forced smile.

"Gimme a sec. I gotta go deal with something."

"Sure. I'll be waiting here."

I laughed uneasily and sped over to Moonwatcher, dipping my head low so that nobody would hear me.

"Change of plans. I can't do the speech, and also, I have to change my name and identity forever."

She held out her palms.

"What the flipping fuck, Eli?!"

I gulped.

"I'm sorry, Moonwatcher, but I can't do this. A really pretty girl thinks that I'm her friend, and-"

She grabbed me by the nostrils and pulled me forward.

"Listen here, fuckstick. You get your honky ass onstage and- Wait, is that okay to say? I mean, it's a car pun, but I feel like it's maybe not okay for me to say."

I felt my heart pounding in my chest.

"Don't make me do this. It's going to ruin everything."

She exhaled sharply.

"Fine, let's continue your pattern of lies and deception instead of making amends like we agreed. That seems fair and logical."

I knew that she was right. With a deep sigh, I turned to look at Phyllis. She smiled and waved at me.

"This is gonna hurt . . ."

"Yeah, but you gotta do it, asshole," Moonwatcher hummed, examining her nails casually.

I closed my eyes and rolled onto the stage. Sweat trickled down my forehead as I leaned towards the microphone.

"Um, hi, everyone. I'm Eli Mills, and- and it's kind of my fault that you're here. And it's also my fault that you're dinosaurs . . . and other things . . ."

I felt my knees knocking.

"I'm really, really sorry. I made a mistake- lots of mistakes- and now things are all messed up. B-but it doesn't have to be bad. If you need anything from me, I'd be more than happy to . . . give you that. So . . . I'll see you later . . . and once again, I'm really, really sorry. Bye!"

I sped off the stage, heart on the verge of exploding. Moonwatcher patted my wheel and said something to me- I imagine it was a snarky remark about my abysmal speech- but it was nothing more than ringing in my ears. My eyes were fixed on the place where Phyllis has been standing.

She was long gone.

***TSJWFKFEW***

Funnily enough, I ran into Phyllis again shortly after the conference. I was a bit tired from dealing with dozens of angry people hurling (admittedly legitimate) insults at me, but even though I knew that they were right, I didn't enjoy being made to feel worse than I already did.

Phyllis was seated on the patio of Isla Taco, poking at her food and looking like she'd just been told that her cat got run over.

. . . She doesn't actually have a cat, to my knowledge, but she looked like she had just received bad news, I mean. Of course, the bad news was that I had lied to her a few hours ago, and she really didn't have a friend on this island, so I'm not sure why I went for the cat analogy. She was visibly upset, is what I'm trying to convey here.

I rolled up to her timidly, hoping to do some damage control, but as soon as she saw me, her eyes filled with venom.

"No."

"Phyllis, I-"

She slammed her paws against the table and stood up, rattling her plate in the process.

"Leave me alone!"

I turned away quickly, stalling a bit before getting a move on. I tried not to think about it too much, because I had only met her, and I shouldn't have been so upset.

But I knew that I'd fucked up, and that was enough to cut me deep.

***TSJWFKFEW***

Later that night, I found myself back at the garage, lying on an oversized couch with a deep, miserable depression enveloping me like a blanket.

The bad kind of blanket.

. . . Oh, like your metaphors are any better.

Simile. Whatever.

I heard the door open and close, then saw Henry standing over me.

"Rough day?"

I groaned and wedged my face under a pillow. He sighed with exasperation.

"Look, I know you think that everyone hates you because of your little speech-"

"You weren't there."

"Yeah, but I know that you're making this more of a problem than it has to be. So what if a few people hate you? Lots of people hate me, and I don't give a shit!"

"I pissed off a cute girl, though."

Henry groaned.

"Eli, it's just one person. You weren't seriously hoping to get laid tonight, were you?"

"No. Sex is hazardous for my partners."

"Partner, singular. You've only been with Claire since you became a dinosaur."

"I'm not even a dinosaur, and thanks for reminding me."

"Whatever. Look, I don't really care about your sad little life. Every time something bad happens to you, you try to drag me in, but I'm not here to be your boyfriend, okay?"

"Just because I'm bisexual, that doesn't mean-"

"Oh, Jesus, Eli. It's not about that. I was joking. You very well know that I am too, but I don't fuck with cars, okay?"

"I'm not a car."

Henry yanked the pillow off my head.

"Listen, Eli. I know you're eager to jump into another relationship, but it's just not gonna happen. Guys like us don't get second chances. I haven't had a single romantic partner since I changed, and you only did because you got lucky. At some point, we just have to be content in our loneliness. It's hard, but it's reality. Claire was the exception to the rule. It would take a miracle to find someone else like her. Just face the facts and stop being a pussy, okay?"

"I'm not! And you're emotionally stunted!"

"OF COURSE I AM! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT!"

"Then why do you keep being a dick?"

"Because it's your fault that I'm here, so forgive me if I side with the people who think that you're a monster. By the way, you should have been paying me more. I am literally- LITERALLY- a genius, and you had me on a bullshit salary. There, I said it!"

He stormed upstairs.

For a moment, I lay there in silence. Then, I wandered outside and rolled down the hill, heading nowhere in particular.

I eventually fell backwards onto an overturned log, staring out at the shimmering lake by the garage. It wasn't the first time I'd cried, and it certainly wasn't the first time I'd cried over losing Claire, but this time, the hopelessness of my situation was really bringing me down.

I wept for a long while. I thought about Claire, about my mistakes, about dying, about how I failed everyone constantly, about Adam, about my parents, about Phyllis, about what I did to Benjamin Lockwood . . . not in that order. I kept replaying different memories, and despite their anachronistic nature, they all pointed to a simple fact.

Nobody loves you. Everyone will leave you when they realize what kind of a person you are.

I felt my shoulders shaking as I collapsed forward onto my wheels, hugging what I suppose passed for ankles.

Nobody loves you, because you're a monster inside and out. Everyone who ever cared about you has found a better life by leaving you.

Blue tears trickled down my treads, like some sort of manufactured waterfall. My heart- or whatever was beating inside of me- felt like it was collapsing in on itself.

Nobody-

"Eli? . . ."

I was sobbing loudly, so I thought that I might have imagined the voice.

"Eli? . . . Are you okay? . . ."

It was Phyllis. Somehow, our paths had crossed yet again. I wiped away my tears (with my wipers, not my paws) and turned to see her standing a little ways to my left and behind me.

"I-"

For some reason, I couldn't lie to her, even out of politeness. She wouldn't have believed me, anyway.

"I'm not okay."

"Oh . . . Do you wanna talk about it?"

I stood up quickly.

"No, of course not. Go home, Phyllis. I'll be fine."

She rubbed her arm.

"Is this because of what I said?"

"No."

"Not even a little?"

I gulped.

"I . . . have a lot of things to be upset about."

When she bit her lip with guilt, I quickly cleared my throat.

"But it's none of your concern, so you can . . . do whatever it is you do."

I tried to force a smile, but it came out wrong. Deciding to cut my losses, I turned to leave. It took me a couple tries to get moving, and when I did, I was slower than I should have been.

"Your ignition coil is malfunctioning."

I turned my head.

"My what?"

"Your ignition coil. It's part of what starts you up. I could take a look at it."

I swallowed.

"No, that's okay. I can go to a mechanic. I'm sure you have other things-"

"Let me help you."

I glanced from side to side nervously.

"I- I wouldn't even know where to find my . . . whatever it is. Like I said, I don't know my own body very well."

She reached out and held my paw.

"That's okay. I'll help you find it."

Part of me wanted to decline, but I was already rolling by her side. We only separated once we got to the garage. Phyllis plucked a tool off the wall (some kind of wrench?) and started tapping my scales.

"Do you feel anything here when you start up?"

I tested my motor.

"No."

She moved to my other side.

"Here?"

I coughed up sparks as I lay down.

"Still no."

She crawled over my belly to reach my armpit.

"Here?"

I could feel myself sweating as I rolled onto my back.

"No, nothing there."

She brushed her fingers over my scales, which felt like they were standing on end. She paused in the center of my chest, pressing down with curiosity.

"Hang on . . ."

Suddenly, she pulled one of the scales right off. My eyes went wide. Attached to the scale was a piece of metal.

"I . . . I have a key."

"You have a heart, Eli."

"I do?"

"It's an ignition coil, but yes, you do. I don't think it's broken after all. This key just got wedged halfway."

She slid it back in place and turned it. Suddenly, I felt my engine come alive, filled with more energy than ever before.

"We did it," she said.

And then we both realized that she was sitting on my chest, and that we were facing each other, and that our snouts were only a few inches apart. I opened my mouth to thank her for fixing me, but she suddenly closed the gap, and soon, our lips were locked together. At that moment, I knew for sure that I had a heart, because it was beating really, really hard.

As we pressed up against each other, I felt Phyllis' foot slipping down my leg. Suddenly, she dragged her sickled claw over my tire, leaving a long gash. She smiled.

"Okay, now we're even."

My face fell as I realized that this had all been part of her plan.

"Oh. I guess we are."

She purred and buried her snout in my neck.

"You're gonna need a replacement. Want me to wait here until the towtruck arrives?"

I did a double-take.

"Wait, I thought-"

She held my mouth closed, then tickled my chin with her tail.

"Like I said, we're even. But if you still have doubts, maybe you could take me out to dinner?"

My jaw dropped.

"Uh . . . yeah. I could do that."

She kissed my cheek.

"Then it's a date."

And that's when I knew that everything would be alright. I hadn't felt this way since I was with Claire, and now my life was repairing itself in an unexpected way.

I didn't know what my future was going to look like, exactly, but for once, I was actually kind of excited to find out.

***TSJFKFEW***

"So I've heard Eli's side of the story, and now I'm coming for yours."

"Me?!"

"Yeah, why not?"

"Don't you want to talk to Phyllis? I wasn't even involved."

"I'm pretty sure you were, given your name and the theme of this chapter."

". . ."

". . . What?"

"Could it be possible that you're thinking of Rashomon, the 1950 movie in which several characters tell the same story from different points of view?"

"Yes. I believe that film was based on an episode of Lizzie McGuire."

". . . Okay, but you know that my name is Radovan, not Rashomon, and even if my name was Rashomon, that wouldn't mean anything, because people are just called things sometimes."

"Well, yeah, if this was real life, maybe . . ."

"Can I go now?"

"Well, I was hoping that you could tell me why Phyllis had the sudden change of heart, because it seems like something happened after Eli left her."

"I saw her fighting with the blue woman, if that's what you mean."

"You'll have to be more specific."

"The shark lady."

"Zia? I didn't realize that they'd met."

"They didn't seem too chummy, though that doesn't mean anything because according to Ken, she's been sour with her friends lately."

"Well, that's some useful information that I already know, but thank you for repeating it. Also, there's a small district on the island populated by characters from the LEGO canon."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Well, as long as we're doing setup and payoff, I wanna add the LEGO district . . . and probably never revisit it. But it's canon now, so . . ."

". . . Do I have to BE here?"

"To justify the chapter title, yes. Practically, no."

". . ."

". . ."