Chapter 6: Trying to Help

"I want to hear how things have been since the last time we spoke. Especially since you didn't show up for your last appointment. You've been through a very traumatic experience, Meredith, one that isn't easy to get through. I'm willing to help you through it but only if you let me in." Dr. Wyatt sat across from Meredith in her office. Meredith was staring blankly at the fish in the tank. She looked sicker than the last time she had been there.

"I'm fine."

"How have you been occupying your time?"

"Reading...I go get coffee...the fish tank looks good." Meredith replied.

"Thank you." Dr. Wyatt replied, making a quick note on the papers in front of her. "The last time we were here you told me in detail what happened to your husband."

"Right."

"How did that make you feel?"

"How did what feel?" Meredith asked as she stared at the yellow and black fish in the tank as it swam to the top of the glass.

"Discussing your husband's passing."

"It was fine." Meredith responded quickly.

"You use that word a lot."

"It's just a word."

"What does it mean for you?" Dr. Wyatt asked.

"It's just a word." She repeated.

"Meredith." The doctor sighed.

"What?" Meredith looked up.

"What does the word fine mean for you?"

"It's how I feel."

"Are you sad?"

"About what?"

"Your husband."

"I'm...yes I'm sad that he's dead." Meredith shrugged, trying not to show too much emotion. She wasn't going to break.

"What does it feel like?"

"What is it supposed to feel like?" Meredith asked.

"There is nothing that says what you're supposed to feel like. Everybody experiences grief differently."

"Interesting."

"I want to know how it feels for you."

"I don't know." Meredith shrugged.

"What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?" Dr. Wyatt asked.

"I...what's the next question?"

"Why don't you want to answer that?"

"I don't know how."

"Meredith, I'm concerned that you're not letting yourself go through the grieving process."

"I'm doing well."

"Do you want to be here?"

"Sure." Meredith shrugged.

"Why are you here?" Dr. Wyatt clasped her hands together.

"Lexie thought it was a good idea."

"Do you think it's a good idea?"

"I think so."

"You think so."

"I haven't cried once...I didn't even cry when the cops came to the door and I'm pretty sure that makes me a crappy wife so...I think I should be here." Meredith explained. "Next question."

"You can cry here."

"I don't need to."

"Why don't you tell me more about your relationship with your husband." Dr. Wyatt encouraged. In order to help she needed Meredith to talk and so far, she wasn't being successful.

"We were good friends."

"Uh huh."

"We got along." Meredith shrugged again. It was almost like shrugging had become a way to cover up how she wanted to fall apart.

"That's good."

"Yeah."

"Did you ever think about having kids?"

"Will didn't want kids." Meredith said quickly as she looked back at the fish tank.

"Did you?"

"I never thought about it before I met him so when he said he didn't want kids..."

"Yes..."

"What?"

"How did you feel when he said he didn't want kids?"

"I didn't feel anything."

"Okay."

"I had never thought about it...he didn't want or like them...so I didn't think it was a big deal."

"What about now?"

"What about now?" Meredith asked.

"Do you wish that you had made a different decision about having kids?"

"My husband is dead...it's the last thing on my mind."

"That's the first time I've heard you say that out loud."

"Oh..." Meredith looked confused for a moment.

"That's a big step." Dr. Wyatt nodded.

"So..."

"You look like you've lost some weight."

"Just in the last month." Meredith answered.

"Are you eating?"

"I eat enough..."

"And how has your sleep been?" Dr. Wyatt looked up at her. "You look very tired."

"It's been a little rough."

"If you'd like, I can prescribe you something that will help regulate your sleeping patterns."

"You can but...I don't know if I want to take anything yet." Meredith for once was being a little bit honest.

"I'll give it to you and let you decide."

"Okay."

"Here you go..." Dr. Wyatt handed Meredith a small piece of paper with a prescription for a mild sleeping medication.

"Thanks."

"Mmmhmm."

"Now what?"

"That's up to you."

"Next question?"

"I think you've made a lot of progress today."

"That's all? You think I've made progress?" Meredith frowned, shaking her head quickly. "You opened up cans of worms or whatever that you knew I wouldn't talk about and then..."

"You talked about it."

"So we're done for the day?" Meredith now felt more confused than ever.

"If that's what you want."

"I..."

"This isn't going to be an easy process, Meredith. But you've made a good start."

"I'm gonna go." Meredith shook her head. The woman asked personal questions and she couldn't even help her answer them. She was paying a hundred and thirty dollars an hour for a woman to not help her. She reached for her canvas bag and stood up.

"I'll see you next week?" Dr. Wyatt asked her.

"I'll look at my schedule."

"I look forward to hearing from you."

"Yeah...thanks." Meredith walked towards the door, quickly leaving the office. She didn't know what she was supposed to do or express. She didn't know how she felt. She wasn't sure how to express the feelings she had. All she knew was the feeling of empty. She was empty but there was something else and she needed to know what it was. Meredith sat down on a chair in the lobby, crossing her arms as she thought to herself. She would leave eventually but right now; Meredith didn't want to go anywhere. She didn't want to face Cristina and she wasn't ready to spend time with Lexie today so she would just sit…

"Are you going to actually pass out on me today?" Derek walked up, holding a cup of coffee in his hands. He was in his scrubs and had just gotten out of surgery. He certainly hadn't expected to see Meredith. Here she was right in front of him and suddenly, he once again had the urge to help her.

"Wasn't planning on it."

"Good to hear." He laughed.

"Good." Meredith sat with her arms crossed as she stared at the Seattle Grace sign across the lobby.

"Can I get you a cup of coffee while you wait?"

"Lexie thinks I need a break from coffee."

"Or tea. Or a soda."

"Not interested."

"Okay..." Derek took a sip of his own coffee.

"Okay."

"How are you doing?"

"I'm great." Meredith said dryly.

"Have you been waiting here long?" Derek asked, sitting in the chair next to her.

"It's not waiting when you choose to sit here."

"Can I give you a ride home...or somewhere?"

"I have a car."

"Oh...okay."

"Believe it or not...I'm not a mess."

"No judgment here."

"Everybody looks at me the same way." Meredith stood, reaching for her bag. "It's the eyes...the fact that my clothes are too big and my split ends."

"I was just trying to help." Derek stood up after her.

"Most people are."

"It's not such a bad thing."

"I um..."

"Well if you're ever here...my offer for coffee...or anything else is open ended."

"Well, my offer for stopping the whole sympathy thing stands too." Meredith sighed, turning to walk away.

"The exit is this way."

"What?"

"The exit...to the parking lot. It's that way." Derek pointed.

"Thanks." Meredith looked at him strangely, before turning and walking towards the exit.

"Don't mention it." Derek breathed, tossing his empty coffee cup in the trashcan and running a hand through his hair. He had spent less than a total of one hour with this woman but something about her was getting to him. She was frustrating and standoffish but at the same time she continued to pull him in. She was definitely a mess, her clothes were too big and she looked like she hadn't had any sleep since the last time he saw her. He just hoped that she would show up again and he could try to break through the wall that she was putting up and maybe he could help her make it through this.