Chapter 9: Nightmares

"Meredith! Meredith wake up!" Lexie shook her sister's shoulders as she sat on the edge of her bed. She had been woken up at three in the morning by the sound of Meredith screaming and quickly ran into the bedroom to find her thrashing around and still screaming. "Meredith!"

"Will don't go near..." Meredith's eyes shot opened as she felt her sister shaking her. She looked around to find Mark on her other side, reaching for a blood pressure monitor and suddenly Meredith realized she was having a bad dream. It was one of the few times she had dreamed about Will, but this time it was horrible. He looked so still as he fell into the water. "I..."

"Mer...it's just me." Lexie breathed, still holding onto her shoulders. "It's Lexie."

"I...oh." Her chest heaved as Lexie shouted something to Mark about getting a washcloth. Meredith realized she was sweating as Lexie reached for a rubber band.

"You're okay." Lexie pulled her hair into a pony tail for her.

"I...I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry."

"I didn't mean to wake you up." Meredith said quickly, sounding breathless.

"It's okay." Lexie assured her.

"I just...he was there...he was walking and he couldn't hear me and..."

"Will?"

"I need my phone." Meredith pushed her covers back. "I just...what if his phone is on..." Meredith started to jump as Mark ran back into the room.

"Meredith...Meredith stop." Lexie put her hands back on Meredith's shoulders.

"Meredith you're not fully awake yet." Mark said, his voice surprisingly calm as he put the cloth against Meredith's face.

"What about her blood pressure?" Lexie whispered.

"Still low..."

"I'm sorry." Meredith was still panting as she came out of her dream.

"I'm going to get her some water." Mark sighed, leaving the bedroom again.

"It's really hot in here." Meredith whispered.

"I'll open the window."

"Okay...okay..." Meredith nodded, looking over at her cellphone.

"I thought you were actually going to sleep through the night." Lexie sighed, sitting back down on the bed.

"I miss him."

"I know."

"I just don't know how...I don't get how one second he was there...and the next..."

"I know." Lexie whispered.

"I just miss him." Meredith said quietly as she picked at a string on her comforter.

"I know you do."

"I was...semi normal finally...and now I'm the girl that everyone stares at like I'm going to freak out and go insane." Meredith shook her head. "You guys don't even leave me alone and it's weird."

"We left you alone tonight." Lexie smiled weakly.

"Lexie at dinner when I didn't eat...you actually asked me to eat four bites." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"But after dinner we left you alone."

"Yeah...it was just great..." Meredith looked down.

"We just...want to make sure that you're okay, Mer." Lexie breathed.

"Cristina thinks I've made myself sick."

"You don't eat...or sleep..."

"It doesn't mean I can't take care of myself."

"And now when you do sleep..."

"It doesn't usually happen."

"It's happened before?"

"A few times."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because the last bit of dignity I had...goes away when it happens." Meredith shrugged, wishing she could feel like herself again.

"I got her water and a few crackers." Mark came back into the room, putting the glass on the nightstand.

"I won't break Lexie." Meredith sighed.

"Not sure about that." Lexie sighed.

"Do you need anything else?" Mark asked.

"No." Meredith said quickly, her head shaking.

"Okay...I'm going back to bed Lex." Mark kissed Lexie quickly before leaving.

"At least drink some water." Lexie nearly begged.

"I'm not thirsty...so just a little." Meredith took the glass.

"Better than nothing."

"I ate soup tonight."

"The whole bowl?"

"Most of it." Meredith shrugged.

"Okay...that's good." Lexie nodded her head.

"I miss his coffee."

"He made good coffee."

"Remember the one he made when you came to visit last fall?"

"Oh...yeah." Lexie lied.

"It was good..." Meredith looked down at the pillow.

"Yeah it was."

"He used to get mad at me for moving the coffee pot when I needed the blender." Meredith giggled weakly, the thin look of her face scaring Lexie.

"He was a great guy."

"Yeah he was..."

"Cracker..."

"Hmm?"

"Just eat one. Please."

"I have a meeting with Dr. Wyatt tomorrow." Meredith's shoulders dropped as she leaned against the headboard, taking the cracker from Lexie.

"How is that going?"

"She thinks I'm getting unhealthy, which she encourages me to share with you and Cristina...she even thinks Mark and Owen would be good for me to talk to but I don't think I'm unhealthy." Meredith explained, taking a small bite. "I'm not starving myself and if I...if I'm not eating enough it's not intentional. And the sleep...well I wish I could sleep."

"What about the pills she gave you?"

"She didn't give me pills...she told me about Melatonin."

"Maybe you should at least try it..." Lexie started before Meredith stopped her.

"Maybe one day." Meredith said quickly.

"It could help you."

"Soon." Meredith nodded.

"Alright."

"But I don't think I'm as bad as you think." Meredith replied.

"I'm not sure about that." Lexie sighed.

"I am." Meredith said, finishing the cracker.

"Will you have another one?"

"They're so dry."

"Then I'll get you something else."

"Lexie I can do it myself...I don't need you to get my food and tuck me in at night."

"I...then I'll go back to bed."

"You should sleep." Meredith nodded.

"So should you." Lexie sighed.

"I will."

"Good."

"I'll see you in the morning Lex."

"Just...yell if you need me."

"I'll be fine." Meredith assured.

"Try to drink the water." Lexie stood up from the edge of the bed.

"I will." Meredith took a deep breath.

"Okay...goodnight."

"Goodnight..." Meredith watched as Lexie closed the door. Meredith waited a moment, took a sip of water before getting up and walking to her cellphone. She dialed into her voicemail and listened to an old message Will had left her. He had been telling her he was running late but would be home soon. Sometimes she just missed his voice and if checking her voicemail helped, she would do it. She felt the burning in her eyes as his happy voice filled her ears, but she quickly closed her eyes, took a deep breath and closed her phone. She missed him… but right now, Lexie was scared she would break, and Meredith had to try to stay pulled together.