Chapter 13: Walking and Talking

When Meredith's eyes opened, all she could feel was her face pressed hard against the pillow and her whole body felt weighed down. It had only occurred to her then that she had slept and that she had done so for the whole night. Not once did she remember waking up in the middle of the night to scream or think. She slept. She turned on her back, pulling at the sheets slightly as she woke up more.

She didn't expect to sleep, let alone the whole night. She wasn't even quite sure how she felt about it. Everything felt heavy and while she was rested, she felt like a part of her would sleep for hours more. She contemplated it but jolted when she heard a sound coming from the other side of the trailer. It was Derek, and he was probably wondering why she was sleeping so late. So, she got up, rubbed her eyes, and stifled a yawn. She felt so stiff, but she just slowly walked into the kitchen to find him standing over a pan as her eyes tried to adjust to the daylight. "Hi."

"Good morning." Derek said before turning to look at her, trying not to laugh. Her hair was going in every direction and there were lines on her face from the pillow creases.

"I feel like shit."

"You look...rested."

"How long did I sleep?" She asked, pulling the hair tie out and looking around.

"Twelve hours."

"Oh." That's far more than she had slept any night since Will had...since he had died. All she could think about was why her body had let her. It had something to do with the Melatonin.

"Hungry?"

"Um...I could try..." Meredith admitted. She felt a little hungry and whatever he was cooking on the stove smelled amazing.

"Bacon and scrambled eggs. If you want something else, I can make that." Derek put the food onto a plate and sat it on the table for her.

"No that is good..."

"Okay."

"It smells good." She replied, her voice groggy.

"Here...sit." He answered, helping her take a seat at the small table.

"I swear I could sleep...more."

"You can go back to sleep after you eat." Derek laughed, handing her some silverware.

"Okay." Meredith swallowed, after taking her first bite and Meredith felt the warm eggs go down her throat.

"You were out like a light."

"I have marks...all over my arms." She said as she took another bite.

"Means you slept well."

"Uh huh." Meredith put more food in her mouth, surprised that she was still eating.

"Good?"

"You make really good eggs."

"Thank you."

"Really good." Meredith replied as Derek looked down, surprised to find her eggs all gone and that she was working on her bacon.

"Did you wake up at all during the night?" Derek asked. Before she could answer, they could hear barking from outside.

"I..." Meredith looked around and then out the window. "What was that?"

"I brought Cash down here this morning...I can take him back up to the house if it bothers you."

"No...he's your dog and he's...it's fine."

"I was going to take him for a walk..."

"Oh."

"I can do it later."

"You should walk him." Meredith put the last of her bacon back on the plate.

"Do you want to come?"

"Um." Meredith looked out the window. She wasn't sure why she got a knot in her stomach when she thought of Derek having a dog, but she needed to get past it if she was going to get his help. "Um...yeah."

"Okay." Derek smiled, standing up from the table. "Do you want coffee first?"

"No."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yeah."

"It's kind of chilly outside."

"I can grab my sweatshirt."

"I'll meet you outside then."

"Okay." Meredith took a deep breath as she stood and walked back into the small, spaced bedroom. She found her Dartmouth sweatshirt and slid the baggy top over her body. She loved animals so she would love Cash. It was hard when she couldn't see Sylvester, but something about seeing a puppy made her feel lighter. It made her feel better to be able to do something other than be sad.

"Hey...Cash...not yet." Derek laughed, picking up the puppy who was trying to run away from the trailer as Meredith came outside.

"This is Cash..." Meredith assumed as the dog ran over to her, instantly trying to jump onto her legs.

"He's...quite a handful."

"I bet." Meredith's voice got lighter as she kneeled down to the ground to pet the new puppy. "Hi Cash."

"And still not house trained." Derek watched as the puppy started to lick Meredith's hand.

"Hi." Meredith giggled for the first time in ages, running her fingers over Cash's fur and scratching behind his ears. "Hi buddy...hi."

"He likes you." Derek breathed, smiling when he heard her laugh. It was the first time since he had met her that he had heard her laugh and it was...refreshing.

"Oh, hi Cash." Meredith giggled as the dog moved to lick her cheek.

"We um...we don't need a leash or anything so..."

"Okay..." Meredith stood.

"Come on Cash." Derek started to walk and the dog ran in front of them.

"He's really cute."

"He was the mutt of his litter."

"He's small."

"For such a small dog, he makes a big mess."

"That's okay." Meredith laughed again as the puppy ran back over to her.

"He's a good little guy though." Derek smiled.

"I...when Sylvester was a puppy he used to pee on my husband...on Will's shoes."

"While he was wearing them?" Derek laughed.

"Wearing them...not wearing them..." Meredith replied, walking ahead a few steps with Cash.

"I've put on wet shoes in the morning since I got him."

"Aw...Cash." Meredith leaned over.

"His favorite spot is right up here."

"He's so funny." Meredith giggled again as the dog ran in circles.

"He tried to bite Mark the other day." Derek laughed, standing back as she knelt down in front of the puppy again.

"Oh well...good boy."

"That's what I said."

"You're a good boy Cash..."

"Hmm..."

"He has good land to run around." Meredith began walking again with Derek.

"Yeah, it's hard to keep track of him sometimes."

"He's a busy guy." Meredith breathed.

"Cash!" Derek called as the dog got further away from them. "Cash...come!"

"He's not listening." Meredith replied as the small dog moved to sniff around a tree.

"Did you train Sylvester?"

"No..."

"Will?"

"Yeah." Meredith looked down.

"Maybe you can help me train Cash."

"I don't know how good I would be at training but I could help you...with him or something." Meredith offered. She wasn't sure that she was ready for it, but maybe if she was here and he was at work it would make sense.

"I'll take all the help I can get."

"Maybe I could help..."

"Cash...Cash come here!" Derek yelled again.

"He's ignoring you."

"That's why I need help."

"Cash!" Meredith ran ahead, chasing after Derek's small puppy. "Cash...come here."

"He listens to you." Derek rolled his eyes as he saw the dog run back towards Meredith.

"Good boy... good boy Cash." Meredith laughed again. Her voice and body language was so much lighter after sleeping.

"I told you he likes you."

"You just have to speak with him in a...sensitive voice." Meredith breathed.

"Oh I see."

"He's a little guy."

"He is."

"He'll be fine." Meredith replied, yawning as they walked.

"So will you." Derek breathed.

"Yeah..." Meredith watched as Cash ran in circles again, barking at his own tail. "We'll see."

"You will."

"If I haven't lost my sanity first."

"The sleep is going to help with that."

"Maybe."

"Trust your doctor."

"I do." Meredith said quickly.

"Good."

"I'm just a dark and twisty person in general, so I don't expect to have good things happen to me."

"Dark and twisty?" Derek raised his eyebrows at her.

"I'm not bright and shiny."

"You're losing me."

"What don't you get?"

"Dark and twisty...bright and shiny..."

"Good things don't happen to me."

"They will happen."

"My father left when I was five, I was in the hospital for six weeks when I was seven...my Mom came to visit me three times and she worked in the same hospital. That was pretty sucky." Meredith explained, turning to face him, her eyes watering. "I found out my mom cheated on my father...when I was ten, I was kicked in the stomach by a kid on the playground...my mother was...she was never around, and I ended up a really screwed up person."

"I don't think you're screwed up." Derek breathed, feeling like he himself had just been kicked in the stomach.

"Then, my husband died."

"You found your husband...something good happened to you."

"We spent the first couple years of our marriage hating each other."

"Why?"

"Apparently, I am impossible to get along with…"

"After those first couple of years?" Derek asked as they walked back in the direction of the trailer.

"We were busy with work, so we got along when we had time together." Meredith shrugged.

"Oh."

"If you barely see each other, you don't have reasons to fight." Meredith explained, watching Cash discover new things. "You just spend the time you do have... getting along."

"Were you in love with him?" Derek stopped.

"What?" She stopped.

"Did you love him?"

"He loved me very much."

"That's not what I asked."

"He knew I didn't believe that two people could experience true love...that I didn't believe it was real. In a sense...I loved him...but that stuff isn't real." Meredith's heart began to tighten. "I loved what there was to love."

"I think these might be things you need to speak to Dr. Wyatt about." Derek sighed, feeling in slightly over his head now.

"Oh..." Meredith turned and started to walk again. "We should head back."

"Yeah..."

"I shouldn't have said...or told you all of that..."

"I'm glad you did."

"No you're not."

"I am...even if it means I have to tell you that you should tell Dr. Wyatt."

"I shouldn't have said a word."

"It's okay."

"No..."

"Why not?"

"Just...can we go back now?" Meredith turned, walking in the opposite direction towards the trailer.

"The trailer is that way." Derek sighed, standing in the same spot.

"Fine." Meredith groaned, changing directions.

"Come on Cash." Derek sighed, picking the puppy up.

"I never should have said anything to you." Meredith groaned, walking towards the trailer, and feeling a wave of nausea return.

"It's okay Meredith."

"Clearly it's not!" Meredith shouted.

"Talk to Dr. Wyatt."

"What I talk to her about and what I don't has nothing to do with you." Meredith argued.

"It does if I'm going to treat you." Derek caught up with her.

"I'm going back to the trailer."

"I know."

"You don't get to tell me what I tell her if you're the one who forced me to open up to you." She said, turning around and suddenly feeling like she might hurl her breakfast up.

"It's just a suggestion."

"It's a stupid one." Meredith took a deep breath.

"What you talk to her about is up to you." Derek breathed.

"I know that!" Meredith said, before gasping as she moved a hand to her stomach.

"Okay...we can talk about this later."

"Nothing to talk about." She said, bending over.

"Then that's up to you too."

"Shut up." She groaned.

"Okay."

"Just shut up." She whimpered as she started to get sick. The food apparently wasn't sitting well in her stomach. Or maybe it was just too much to handle when she wasn't used to putting a lot of food in her system lately.

"I am." Derek whispered, rubbing her back as she got sick in the grass.

"I just..."

"It hurts. I know."

"I can't..." She murmured, shaking her head.

"Let's go back inside." He breathed, helping her stand back up.

"I tried." She whispered, feeling like the past twenty four hours in her life had been a waste.

"Yes you did."

"I'm sorry..." Meredith said, feeling like a complete failure.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for."

"I just...I need to lay down."

"Then let's go inside."

"Okay."

"You can go back to sleep."

"I shouldn't have told you those things..."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear them."

"Something a little more bland would probably be better." He nodded, opening the door for her.

"Like...biscuits." Meredith suggested, yawning again.

"Good idea."

"Right." Meredith felt tired, anxious, and she just wanted to curl up in a ball. She wanted to snap out of this funk. Whatever it was, she just wanted it to stop. She hadn't really cried, and she didn't think she could at this point. She just wanted everything to feel normal again so she wouldn't feel like this person who was numb to the world.