Chapter 15: Opening Up

Derek got a lot done that morning. He had taken Cash for a walk and had gone fishing while Meredith was gone. She said that she was going to the hospital for her weekly therapy appointment and for lunch with Lexie. He thought maybe they would go for another walk with Cash and stay outside in the fresh air where she could clear her head. Derek headed back up towards the trailer, expecting her to be there but as he came around the side, he could see her curled up in the small metal chair that was on the deck, her head in her hands, crying.

"Meredith..." Derek walked up onto the deck, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Hmm?" She looked up, her cheeks stained with her delayed tears. She quickly started wiping at her eyes, shaking her head as she tried to cover it up. "I'm fine...I just...I'm fine."

"Fine people usually don't cry."

"It's...silly crying."

"What happened?"

"My husband died."

"It's not silly crying." Derek breathed.

"It's been almost 3 months and I'm just now crying." Meredith shook her head, wiping off her cheeks.

"That happens."

"I told you I was fine."

"I used to tell people that too."

"Hmm."

"When my father died."

"I said I was sorry about your dad."

"I wasn't looking for sympathy."

"I know." She whispered, taking a deep and tired breath. "Because I'm not either."

"I didn't cry for a while either." Derek sighed.

"Did everyone look at you like a freak?"

"They looked at me like they expected me to fall apart at any moment."

"Did they want to commit you?" Meredith laughed harshly.

"No..."

"So just me."

"I was a kid."

"That's...worse."

"It's just as hard to deal with."

"Apparently I'm taking it to the extreme."

"I used to stay up at night too." Derek breathed.

"Yeah..."

"Afraid the guy who did it was going to come back."

"Right."

"It's normal." Derek tried to convince her.

"Normal." She bit her lip.

"Not too sound like your shrink...but it's okay not to be okay."

"That's just what Dr. Wyatt says."

"It's true."

"Figured."

"But that's why I'm here to help."

"You're here to help..."

"Mmhmm."

"What if I can't be helped?"

"I think you can be."

"That's a stretch apparently."

"Says who?"

"You know who." She took a deep breath, sucking in the tears that were ready to fall again. She wouldn't do it… She wouldn't be weak. She wouldn't give up on staying strong.

"Dr. Wyatt?"

"Dr. Wyatt...Cristina...Lexie..."

"What do you think?" Derek looked over at her.

"I don't know anymore."

"Well, let me try."

"I thought that's what we were doing." She replied as she looked over at the trees surrounding his land.

"We are."

"Mmm."

"How's the job hunt?"

"Interview soon." Meredith sighed.

They don't have a reason not to hire you."

"Maybe."

"You have experience...references..."

"I just don't want them to see a mess."

"They won't."

"They might though." Meredith said, her voice cracking.

"Then I'll help you."

"God..." Meredith put her hands to her head. "I just...I'm not this person."

"I know."

"I'm not an emotional person."

"You lost your husband, Meredith. It's okay to be emotional."

"Yeah..." She let out a deep sigh, staring at the ground.

"When's your interview?"

"Friday at nine."

"I'll take you."

"Take me where?" She asked.

"To your interview on Friday." Derek replied.

"No. No way." She shook her head. "There... I don't want you to."

"Just a ride."

"No." Meredith bit her lip, wiping a few stray tears as she continued to compose herself. "I don't want you to."

"Okay..."

"Just no..."

"Okay." Derek repeated.

"I need to do this myself." Meredith said quietly, watching as Cash chased nothing around the land. Just running. The dog was kind of funny, but she couldn't laugh. She could barely smile as the pain set in. "Six months ago... we were barely speaking."

"You and your husband?"

"We didn't hate each other." She remembered. "We were just busy. We took each other for granted and just lived. We co-existed… Then, one day he came home and said he met someone. They hadn't kissed or had sex, but they had talked. He had talked and he said it wasn't that he liked her. It was that it made him realize that we needed to work on us. That if we didn't take the time to work on our marriage...one of us might eventually make a mistake we would regret. He didn't want to do that, and he didn't want me to either. He wanted to work on our marriage and put each other first."

"Is that what you did?"

"At first, I laughed but he wanted to try something new, so I went with it. We had a date night once a week and that day... the day he died… I had the day off. Will surprised me and took the day off too. We spent the day together..."

"Hmm..." Derek breathed, sitting back and listening to her finally open up to him.

"I thought it was so weird that he would take the day to spend it with me."

"He loved you."

"I asked him not to drink when he went fishing... or at least while he was on the boat."

"And he didn't listen…"

"No." Meredith shook her head, her voice cracking. "He used to get out of control when he would drink, so he didn't do it often. He said college was a bad time for him… I only drank when Cristina or Lex would come to town... He said fishing was for drinking… I asked him to not do it..."

"He was drunk..."

"And he fell in…"

"Was he alone?"

"I had asked to go with him that day."

"He said no?"

"He said it was too cold for me to go...that I should just run to the store and then he'd meet me at home."

"Then what?"

"He never came home."

"I'm sorry." Derek whispered.

"He didn't listen." She whimpered, her shoulders shaking.

"It's not your fault." Derek breathed, putting his hand on her back

"The cops asked me if it was on purpose...if he had a history of being intoxicated and making quick choices..."

"Oh..."

"He wouldn't have done it on purpose...he was just...he wasn't thinking."

"It was an accident."

"Yeah." Meredith cried.

"I'm sorry." Derek repeated, rubbing her back as she cried.

"He wouldn't have done any of it if I had been there."

"You can't blame yourself."

"I knew what could happen."

"It isn't your fault, Meredith."

"That's what people say...that's the truth but it doesn't mean I believe it right now."

"You will eventually."

"Lexie thinks if I had gone with him...he could have pulled me in if I had tried to help...or that the boat would have tipped when he tried to get back on."

"She's right."

"I don't care."

"Why not?" Derek asked.

"I just don't." She sobbed.

"Then, your sister would be going through the same thing that you are now."

"He wouldn't have died alone..."

"Come on..."

"Everyone acts like I'm dying either way..." Meredith cried as Derek stood up and kneeled in front of her.

"Come with me." Derek whispered, reaching for her hand.

"Why?"

"Trust me."

"Where?" She whispered as she stood up.

"Where I go when I need to clear my head."

"My head can't be cleared...it's empty."

"No it's not."

"Yes, it is." She whispered, taking his hand.

"I felt guilty too." Derek breathed, walking down the small porch steps.

"Survivors guilt..."

"I blamed myself for not doing something to stop it."

"He wouldn't have pulled me in."

"You don't know that."

"I do."

"Accidents happen."

"But then...it wouldn't have mattered." Meredith walked alongside him. "I would have fallen in...and I wouldn't be a mess."

"But your family would."

"Lexie would notice."

"She would more than just notice." Derek breathed.

"She'd be fine." Meredith whimpered, falling to the ground.

"No...she wouldn't." Derek whispered, putting his arms around her. "She'd be just like you are now...and you wouldn't want that."

"I want to go home."

"Where?"

"Home."

"Let's go back to the trailer."

"Can't..."

"Hmm?"

"Can't." She cried as he pushed her hair behind her ears and Cash rushed over to her.

"Come on." He whispered, taking her hands, and helping her up.

"Sorry..."

"Don't be."

"I am though."

"For what?"

"Everything." She wiped at her eyes.

"Let's go back."

"Okay."

"I promise you...it'll be okay."

"Let's just go back." She breathed.

"Okay." Derek nodded.

"Thank you." She murmured, walking ahead of him.

"Yeah..." Derek sighed, walking a few steps behind her, making sure she didn't fall again. He thought she had been doing better and now she seemed to have taken a few steps back and he didn't know what to do about it now. She opened up to him, so it was a good start, but he was worried about what was to come.