Chapter 18: Carolyn to the Rescue

"Cash...Cash come here..." Meredith breathed, her body tired from chasing him along the land. Being a puppy, Cash was a ball of energy, and it only reminded her of Sylvester as a puppy. Only Cash was far more energetic. Meredith leaned over, roughly running her hands over his fur and laughing weakly. "Come on Cash...let's go...I'm kind of tired. I didn't sleep last night."

Meredith knew the dog wouldn't answer back, but she still knew the dog could feel. She had volunteered to help with Cash when Derek was at work. It was the least she could do when Derek had done so much for her. She wasn't even sure how to thank him. So, taking care of Cash, only seemed like the smallest bit of it. She could do this and if she could be honest, Cash helped. He helped the pain go away. He helped her get out of bed on the days Derek was at work, and she needed that right now. Especially when she's getting a new job. She pushed the worry to the back of her mind as she unlocked the door to Derek's home and stepped inside. She sat the keys on the counter, jumping when she saw an older woman standing over the stove. "Oh my god!"

"Oh sorry Dear...I didn't mean to scare you." The woman turned around; a blue apron tied around her.

"Um...you don't live here." Meredith said, her eyes wide as she looked around. "Derek?!"

"It's okay...I'm Carolyn Shepherd. Derek's mother. You must be Meredith."

"Uh...yeah." Meredith looked around again and when she realized she was alone with the woman, she just looked nervous.

"It's nice to finally meet you."

"You're Derek's Mom?" Meredith asked. "He didn't say you were coming."

"He didn't say he would be at work...not that he usually tells me anyway." Carolyn chuckled.

"I see."

"I came to stock up his fridge...I worry that he doesn't eat enough."

"Ironic..." She whispered.

"What's that Dear?"

"Nothing." Meredith shook her head.

"Derek didn't mention that you would be here." She lied.

"I...usually I don't come into the house unless it's to let Cash back in." Meredith explained.

"Have a seat." Carolyn gestured.

"I actually..." Meredith tried to quickly come up with an excuse.

"Sit."

"Oh." Meredith looked at the woman who was looking at her as if she was her mother. "Um...okay then."

"I hope my son hasn't just been leaving you here alone every day."

"It's fine."

"I brought some iced tea." The older woman poured some into a tall glass and placed it in front of Meredith.

"Iced tea?"

"One of my favorites."

"I'm really not thirsty."

"That dog must have exhausted you."

"Cash is just a puppy."

"Do you want a warm drink instead?"

"No thank you?"

"Rolls..." Carolyn put a plate of bread in front of her.

"I'm fine thank you."

"Butter?"

"I just ate." Meredith said, telling her own lie.

"It couldn't have been much...there's nothing in this fridge."

"At the trailer actually."

"Hmm..." Carolyn started to put more food onto the kitchen table.

"You know...I should let you do what you need to do." Meredith started to slide away from the seat. "And I will let you be alone."

"Don't be silly." Carolyn laughed, shaking her head.

"I have to do something..."

"Eat something first."

"Did Derek send you here?"

"Oh no... I thought he would be here."

"Sorry...I just thought maybe he sent someone." Meredith shook her head.

"No. Not this time." Derek's mom lied."

"I'm just...I ate earlier."

"Chicken...and potatoes." She put more plates onto the table. "Oh...I almost forgot the green beans."

"I..."

"I'll heat up the gravy."

"But I don't..."

"And then there's pie for dessert." Carolyn smiled.

"Oh..." Meredith stopped protesting when the older woman made her feel like she didn't have a choice but to stay.

"Derek can heat up the rest when he gets home." She sat down at the table with Meredith.

"I thought he was a healthy eater."

"A bit too much if you ask me."

"Yeah..." Meredith shifted uncomfortably.

"I'm very sorry for your loss."

"What?" Meredith looked up, the color draining from her face.

"It's a very sad story." Carolyn breathed, placing her hand over Meredith's.

"I think I left the oven on in the trailer..." Meredith lied.

"It's horrible...gut wrenching pain...I remember it like it was yesterday."

"I...I need my phone...I can't leave without my phone." Meredith stood up quickly, pushing the chair back.

"Meredith." Carolyn reached for her hand. "It's okay. Sit down."

"No..."

"My husband was shot."

"I'm very sorry about your husband." Meredith was out of breath as she turned searched for her phone.

"And I'm sorry about yours."

"I have to leave."

"Please...sit."

"I don't...I don't talk about this so..."

"So what?" Carolyn looked up at her, waiting for an excuse.

"I can't just...I don't talk about it." Meredith said quickly, turning to face the older woman. "You seem nice and really great. I see Derek in you somehow...or I guess I see you in Derek a little but I can't...there are a million things I can't share because I...because I just can't."

"My husband was shot in front of my children...for his watch. A watch that I gave him."

"And I'm sorry about that."

"He wouldn't give it up so he got shot."

"I...that's really sad." Meredith looked down.

"And so is what happened to your husband."

"It was an accident."

"I know."

"I should go though..."

"I know how you're feeling, Dear."

"I know...I'm sure you do and then I just...I need to go."

"But you can't blame yourself." Carolyn continued despite Meredith's objections.

"There are a million things I could have done."

"I thought so too."

"So, I guess not talking about this to you isn't an option..." Meredith almost groaned as she sat back down in the stool. Derek's Mom had a way about her that was calming, but also let her know that she was in charge.

"It helps to speak with someone whose gone through the same thing."

"I'm not a very good talker...I don't talk about anything."

"I can talk, and you can listen."

"Oh." Meredith breathed, realizing that the older woman in front of her wanted to talk. Maybe she needed to talk and knew Meredith was going through it too so it would help the older woman...Derek's mother...to talk about her sadness. "Okay."

"Or you can talk...and I'll listen. No judgment." Carolyn whispered.

"I don't need to talk."

"Then, why don't you eat?"

"I just..." Meredith shook her head.

"Here..." Carolyn put another spoonful of potatoes onto Meredith's plate.

"Oh."

"How did you meet your husband?"

"Grocery store." Meredith answered as Carolyn Shepherd poured gravy over the potatoes.

"That must be a nice story."

"How did you meet Derek's dad?" Meredith changed the subject, the smell of the food filling her nose.

"We were introduced through friends." She answered.

"That's nice."

"I wasn't interested at first."

"You weren't?"

"Not at all." Carolyn laughed.

"Funny..."

"And he just kept trying and trying."

"And you finally went out with him?" Meredith asked, running her fingers over the silver handle on the fork.

"It only took one date."

"Quick." Meredith replied.

"It was."

"That's...interesting.:

"That's interesting." Meredith responded, before putting a bite of chicken in her mouth.

"What about you and your husband?"

"Grocery store." Meredith shrugged. "That's all."

"There has to be more to it than that."

"Not really."

"Hmm."

"The rest was history." Meredith said, taking another bite. "You're a good cook."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Do you want anything else?"

"Maybe some...I don't know...something."

"Here...have some salad..."

"Okay..."

"Dressing?" Carolyn stood up.

"Yes please..." Meredith whispered, watching as the woman walked around the kitchen she clearly knew so well.

"I'll make something warm to drink with dessert. How about hot chocolate?"

"That sounds good." Meredith smiled weakly.

"Will you let Derek know I left some soup in the freezer too?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you Dear."

"Derek complains I don't eat enough."

"He likes to take care of people."

"He barely knows me." Meredith said, her voice soft. "He met me a few months ago and...I'm not his problem."

"You're not a problem for him."

"I'm sleeping in his trailer."

"Because he wants you there."

"But he barely knows me."

"Don't question it." Carolyn laughed.

"Don't question it?"

"Let him help you."

"I'm trying." She admitted.

"That's all you have to do." The older woman smiled.

"Really? I just have to try?" Meredith asked, almost relieved and sounding so hopeful.

"That's all."

"That's all." She repeated, smiling slightly.

"I'll go ahead and make our hot chocolate."

"When your husband died...did people stare at you like you were crazy?" Meredith wanted to know, her body not as tense as before. She wasn't sure why, but her shoulders didn't feel so strained.

"They looked at me like they were waiting for me to do something...or to say something. And I never knew what it was."

"I know exactly what you mean."

"I still don't know what it was."

"Me either." Meredith said, her voice soft.

"It gets better though."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Good to know."

"It takes awhile...but it does get better."

Meredith took a deep breath, after consuming most of the food on the plate in front of her. The older woman was sweet, but Meredith was still hesitant to speak. It was probably the knot in her stomach. Still, she felt so withdrawn, but there was someone who she finally felt really got her. "That would be good."

"Just be patient." Carolyn smiled sympathetically.

"I um..." Meredith felt a knot form in her throat as she tried to stop herself from speaking. "Derek was sitting on the front porch the other day when I woke up and ran outside of the trailer screaming for no reason at all and then...it was a dream."

"Nightmares...I had them too. It was hard to hide from Derek and his sisters."

"When do they quit?"

"I can't say."

"Damn."

"But they will go away."

"Good."

"Whip cream? On your hot chocolate?"

"Thank you...for being so nice to me." Meredith said.

"You don't have to thank me."

"I've been driving everyone crazy lately..."

"They're just worried about you."

"I know."

"But you'll be okay."

"I know."

"Good." Carolyn smiled.

"They're all worried but I'm fine..."

"I know."

"They act like...I'm not dying..." She said, looking away.

"You're going to be just fine."

"Right."

"Just fine." Carolyn repeated, grabbing two mugs from the cabinet.

"Mmm."

"And if you ever need someone to talk to..."

"If you can't tell already...I'm not very good at asking for help."

"You don't have to be good at asking for it. You just have to take it when it's offered."

"I have issues with that too."

"Well we'll work on that." The older woman chuckled.

"Work on that..."

"Here you go." She put the mug in front of Meredith.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"It's really good too." Meredith said as she took a sip of the warm beverage.

"Derek's favorite when he was a kid."

"He drinks a lot of coffee now."

"Life of a surgeon."

"Yeah."

"Well Meredith...I should be heading home."

"I should...get back to the trailer too."

"How about we go out to lunch next week?"

"Oh...okay."

"I can call you here?"

"I think so..."

"Then you can count on it." Carolyn smiled.

"It was nice to meet you."

"You too."

"Bye Carolyn." Meredith said, standing and smiling, before turning and leaving the big house. Derek's Mom was...nice and very Mom like. She wasn't sure what to make of it, but she seemed like someone who understood every thought in Meredith's head. She got it all and for once, Meredith didn't feel like the only person in the world to break.