I open my eyes slowly, I was dreaming of seeing Peeta there, holding Rose, smiling at me. Then he notices I'm awake and he walks over with her and sits down next to me. He bends down and kisses me gently then I sit up and lean against him. Just like how it should be. I look over at her crib, there is a guy standing beside it. I don't even look at the face, I just know it's him. My heart skips a beat and tries to leap right out of my chest. Peeta. He's back, he's back and he's with Rose and he is here and he's mine. Then the person turns around. Gale. I guess I had known it was him all along, I just didn't want to admit it.
"Morning Catnip," he smiles.
"I thought we were just taking a nap when I fell asleep," I sit up in the bed to look outside, that's when I remember. I can't look outside.
"I was just taking a nap. I was going to let you sleep as long as you needed, which just so happened to be through the night."
"Thanks Gale. Where's Rose?"
"She's with Prim. Don't worry, everything's fine."
"Okay." I feel like I can't breathe, like everything is crushing me. I repeat my list in my head.
My Name is Katniss Everdeen.
I am 17 years old.
I was in the hunger games twice.
I escaped.
The capitol wants me dead.
I should be dead...
"Catnip, Coin wanted to speak to you again." I stop the list and try to face reality.
"About what?"
"They want to let you, us, go back to twelve. Not for a long time, just so you can see what the capitol did to it. They think it will give you motivation to be the Mockingjay."
"I can't be the Mockingjay. If they wanted me to be the Mockingjay, they should have rescued Peeta." I look up at Gale. His face tells me everything, this trip isn't just for me.
"I'm going back Katniss. You can do what you want."
"I want to come."
"Get changed, we're going today."
Gale walks out of the room and I'm grateful to have some time alone. I pull on some clean clothes before sitting back down on my bed. How could all this have happened? I have become a victor, mother, and the Mockingjay all with a year. I wish Peeta was here. No. Peeta won't ever be here, he is dead. It's better than way. Snow can't hurt him then. I feel a weight crushing me. I don't know if I want him to be alive or dead, I just know that I don't want Snow to torture him.
Peeta will come back, eventually. Maybe after this war is over, he'll come back to district 12 and we will be together, with Rose. We will be family again, at home.
" That can't happen. There is no district 12, I remind myself, "Peeta is dead. He has to be." I hear a knock on my door.
"Catnip, let's go," it's Gale. I stand up and walk out the door, letting it shut behind me. I follow him to the hovercraft.
I take a deep breath. The door that allows the hovercrafts to go in and out has been opened. I feel Gale squeeze my hand gently. I walk on with him and sit down as the door closes behind us. I close my eyes and soon I feel us flying. Everyone introduces themselves to me. We sit in silence as I turn my face into Gale. This can't be happening.
"We have arrived at District 12," I hear a voice say. Gale is the first one off and I follow him. That's when I see it. There is ash everywhere. I step out of the hovercraft and stand next to Gale. His words ring in my ears. There is no District 12.
We begin to walk toward my house, the capitol would have left the victor village unharmed. As we walk, my foot hits something, a rock I assume, I look down. I see a skull turned face-up looking at me, it is charred . The person was clearly burned. I killed you, I think silently then drop to my knees, my stomach twisting into knots. Gale kneels down beside me, running his hand over my back.
"We can leave if you want. We don't have to do this." I take a deep breath then stand up, pushing him away from me gently.
"No. Let's keep moving," we walk on a path of ashes that covers the ground in my ruined home. It has been littered with bones in places. I can't help but think that I've killed all these innocent people. Because I did. It was my arrow, aimed at chink in the force field surrounding the arena, that brought on this firestorm of retribution. That sent the whole country of Panem into chaos. That destroyed my home. That had killed all these people. Finally we reached the Victors Village, completely unharmed as I had thought. Ash had blown into the entrance but beyond that, no evidence of destruction was visible. We walked into my house. Gale stays downstairs as I walk up to my room to get something.
I open my closet and pull out my dad's old hunting jacket, slipping it on and pulling it around me, it felt just as safe as it did before. I get out my game bag and put a few pictures into it, I turn to get the picture of my dad off my desk when I notice the white rose in the vase. Snow had sent it to me of course. I pick it up and inhale the smell, quickly dropping the rose and covering my mouth. It had a sickly scent.
"Catnip, you have a visitor downstairs," Gale calls up to me. My breath catches in my throat. Snow. He knew I would be here. I gather my bow from the corner and walk downstairs with my things. I walk into the kitchen and see Gale. He's just standing there and it's only him. His arm is moving though, I look down and a cat. Buttercup, of course that thing would come back for Prim.
"Let's go, Gale," I walk over and put Buttercup in my bag for Prim. I turn to leave.
I become aware that Gale isn't following me and I look back. His eyes are filled with a pain and longing that I know too well. He is leaning against the table.
"Remember?" he asks me slowly. "This is where you kissed me."
How did he remember just the one kiss that happened here? He had been laid here after being whipped, he had witness Peeta and me kissing, he had found out about the baby in this house, and he had seen this district burned to ash. How did he remember the one kiss that happened here? How did he remember the kiss at all? He had been given such a high dose of morphling, I didn't think we was conscious enough to remember.
"I never thought you'd remember that," I say. I
"I'd have to be dead to forget Catnip and maybe not even then," he looks me in the eyes, "Maybe I'll be like that man in that song you sing, 'The Hanging Tree.' Still waiting for an answer."
My best friend in the world, who I have never seen cry, now has tears in his eyes. I move toward him slowly and reach forward, pressing my lips to his gently. The kiss feels like it is about to turn more passionate. We taste of heat, ashes, and misery, an all too familiar taste. He pulls away and gives me a wry smile.
"I knew you'd kiss me."
"How?" I ask him, I hadn't known I was going to kiss him then myself.
"Because, I'm in pain," he says. "That's the only way I get your attention." He reaches down and picks up the box he had been filling with my mother's things. "Don't worry, Katniss. It'll pass." I reach for his arm but he leaves before I can answer him.
The hovercraft is full soon and we are on our way back to 13. I sit beside Gale, he has his face turned from me, clearly trying to hide the tears that I know are about to fall.
"Gale," I whisper, grapping his arm gently.
"What," he turns to face me. I see that his eyes are watery and know I'm right.
" About the house..."
"It wasn't right for me either Katniss."
"Gale, would you let me talk?" He looks at me. When he doesn't say anything, I begin to speak. "I didn't kiss you because you were in pain. At least, that wasn't the only reason. I kissed you because some part of me wanted to kiss you. A part of me knows that's how it should be. Before the games, before this rebellion, before Rose, that's how it would have ended. It would have been you and me and part of me knows that. If there had been no Peeta, it would have been us. But now, there probably is no Peeta. He's probably dead. Rose needs me. I need to be there for her, but I know that I can't do that unless I have you. I need you, Gale. This is how it should be. You and me. That's how it would have been anyway." He doesn't speak and I look up at him. I don't know what he's thinking.
"I need you too, Katniss." I smile as he takes my hand. This isn't how it should be, but it's how it would have been before the games. Maybe one day I will forget and maybe Gale will be enough for me. Maybe one day, I won't wish it was Peeta holding my hand.