Soleil Farran, District Three male (17)

Lanolin and I locked eyes as our platforms were still settling into place. We'd planned everything out the night before the Games. We'd find each other as the timer was counting down and when the Games started we'd run outside the ring of platforms diagonally toward each other to meet and then off into the Arena. In an Arena like this it would be easy to disappear. The tall grass would hide us long enough to get us out of range.

The Games started and I ran out sideways, leaving Lanolin directly behind me. I looked over my shoulder and saw him pause for an instant in confusion. That was all Elver needed to hit him with a spear. Before Lanolin recognized that I'd betrayed him he was dead. I didn't know that would happen, I rationalized to myself. I'd only wanted to ensure that I was farther from the Bloodbath and Lanolin was closer as we ran. I'd wanted the extra protection but I hadn't explicitly planned to kill him. It wasn't my fault.

When I found Alice she was already dying. I didn't know what kind of sickness she had but it was obvious she wasn't going to recover. She didn't even notice me when I knelt by her shivering body. "Water," she kept whispering. She couldn't even reach out an arm to pick up the water bottle she didn't know was inches away from her. I could have given her some before I took it, but she was going to die. The water couldn't do her any good. She was dying before I found her and she wasn't in any worse shape when I left her.

It's so easy to lie to yourself. It's harder to lie to an entire nation that saw everything you did and couldn't hear the explanations you told yourself. When I woke up in the Capitol I could see it written on the medics' faces. They checked my vitals and pieced me back together without hesitation but not without reluctance. They would come in and check the machinery and they would walk back out. It was their job to care for me. It wasn't their job to care about me.

"Introducing our newest Victor, Soleil Farran!" Harlequin announced as I walked into the blinding lights and fumbled for the chair.

"Well, Soleil, you clawed your way to victory," Harlequin started, her smile so practiced anyone would have thought she meant it if they couldn't see the edge in her eyes that the lights almost drowned out. "Any particularly difficult moments?"

"All of it," I said. It had seemed so simple in the Arena. I was just trying to stay alive. I deserved to live if I stayed alive. I was only doing what anyone else would do. Once I got out I learned that wasn't true. Not everyone would do this. That was why twenty-three children stayed behind in the Arena. I'd thought all I would ever care about was making it out but I was starting to see maybe they were the wise ones and I was only a liar.

"Let's see some of your greatest moments," Harlequin said, and cued the replay. It was focused on me, of course, and I hadn't realized how very much of the footage would be of things I didn't really want broadcast all over again. Me betraying Lanolin. Taking water from a dying little girl. Pretending to be wounded right next to a spider pit so the mutt would take Bambi when he came to help me. I'd always thought I was clever. Looking back it seemed my cleverness was actually just exploiting human kindness. I wasn't sure I'd tricked anyone at all. They'd known the risk and had chosen to take it since they believed in me.

Victory gave me anything I could have wanted. Safety, riches, fame, luxury. A life of leisure and grandeur stretched out before me. I'd earned it, I told myself, by keeping myself alive. But I hadn't kept myself alive, not really. I'd remained alive by stealing that life from others that wouldn't do the same to me. I thought winning was the only thing I could ever want. I didn't see until far later that the only thing worth keeping was what I'd left in the Arena.