5 years ago…

The endless reflection of nothingness penetrates every fiber of one Paul Blart's soul. Despite having two career highlights, his tenure as a security cop patrolling the West Orange Pavilion Mall went largely unnoticed by the masses. To the people, Blart, and his profession at large, was merely a joke- one spread by The Shadow Man, the darkness cast by Paul's light. Throughout the security guard's life, this entity has haunted Paul- from causing the events leading to his divorce, to running over his mother with a milk truck, The Shadow Man was responsible for driving Blart to where he is now: standing on a funeral podium, in front of his daughter's casket. Paul looks at his fellow coworkers and exhales through his mouth, but before he could even deliver a speech, his hypoglycemia kicked in. He hits the floor, next thing you know, Paul got low, low, low.

The only sense Paul can recognize now is smooth piano jazz emanating to his right, so he walks. The music grows louder and louder, until he finally finds his arch nemesis lounging on a comfortable seat and playing a grand piano. He continues his performance, not registering Blart's presence. Blart finally mutters, "Shadow Man, I got a few questions. Where am I?"

The Shadow Man focuses his prime attention on the piano, trying to match Blart's vocal range. He smiles and replies, "when you die, your brain drowns in DMT, making your final moments stretch to an eternity. You're now as cosmic a figure as I am- welcome to my level, Blart."

"Wait, who gets to say when I die?"

"Well, I'll answer your question with another one: do you like jazz?"

"Well, you know jazz, it's tricky to perform solo. By myself, it sounds like I'm merely practicing chord progressions. I need a band, and it just so happens to be that you're my favorite vocalist my ears ever laid eyes upon. So go out through that door and sing for me, Blart."

A glowing white door reveals itself to Blart, and he approaches it. He feels his soul warping ever so slightly as he nears it. He looks at the Shadow Man and asks, "what if I want to die?"

The Shadow Man smiles, takes a quick glance at Blart, and replies, "you have just as much say as I do in whether or not you live. Except I also have a soul gun that can incinerate you, so please, unless you can combat me with this Demonator, go, make some jazz."

Paul takes a deep breath and walks through the door. The road ahead stretches infinitely, so he walks, for about 4 years and 11 months straight. But thanks to the DMT flooding his brain, it felt more like 900 years of an eternal walk.

Knuckles walked along the Hidden Palace zone, circling around a new group of guards. He swings his fist randomly at one of the guards, but the guard holds onto it. Knuckles lightens up a bit and steps back from the guard. He tips his cowboy hat upward, looks at all the guards, and says, "looks like I've trained you all very well. Now, if all your reflexes are as good as this cadet's, then we may stand a chance against Thanos."

One of the guards looks at Knuckles and mumbles, "but what if we aren't? This guy sounds super powerful."

"Well, good you ask, because secretly me and a group of scientists have been working on this."

Knuckles opens up a secret trapdoor and pulls on a levee. After emitting some elbow grease, the echidna reveals a robot to his tribe. "This, my friends, is RoboBlart. Part Mall Cop. Part Machine. Total weapon. You see, I took the remains of our most underrated security guards on Earth and turned him into something greater than even he could imagine. Once I activate his consciousness, he should be ready to take on Thanos, one on one."

The red haired echidna pushes some buttons on RoboBlart's forehead and stands back, awaiting RoboBlart's birth. The robot opens his eyes and sheds a tear. Knuckles observes the tear dropping from the robot's face and softly presses his hand against its eye, rubbing off the tear. RoboBlart looks at Knuckles and asks nervously, "wait, I feel… macho… like an extra large Doctor Pepper Big Gulp macho… I thought I was gonna die… Where am I?"

Knuckles gives it to Blart straight: "your body was hoisted from hospice back in 2016, and after we cleaned up your brain and created a duplicate on the cloud, we began work on you, RoboBlart. So tell me, how do you like your new body?"

"Well, it's certainly an improvement."

"Oh, trust me. we've just scratched the surface of your abilitied. Why not try to stretch your calves parallel to your feet?"

Blart did as he was told, and suddenly his feet morphed into an epic segway. Blart shed another tear. It's been almost 5 years since he last shredded on a segway, and he immediately put petal to the metal and drove around, crying tears of joy as he swerved around the Master Emerald. Knuckles looked at Blart cautiously and explained, "this is what you have to protect, at all costs. Angel Island's stability is at risk, for if that emerald disappears, then it will crash down on Earth, destroying not only our tribe but many people on Earth as well. Got it?"

"Got it."