Paul Blart: Time Cop, along with Professor Paradox: Shadow Man, appear in the center of a white vast space known only as Nowhere. Something about this place felt as if it contorted around the two's presence. No matter where they walk, it feels like they remain center, with the distance between the two acting as an anchor binding them to this surreal place. Blart looks under him, then above. It's all the same. How comforting. The fat man asks, "so, is this my court? Does that make me a judge, jury, and executioner here? Like Judge Dredd? Is this why you said I'll be metaphorically human? Because I'll become Judge Dredd?"

Professor Paradox, in a surprising display of unconfidence, semi-seriously assures Blart, "sure, you're already catching onto your clairvoyant skills quite well. Now, here is Nowhere. The time is Nowhen. When you die, and you don't support afterlifes, you end up here. Right next door is my piano room, fun times were had!"

"Yeah, and if by fun times you mean a lifelong suffering concluding with me having to reverse-engineer the universe starting from the endtimes back to where I want to be, which is with my friends and remaining family on Earth. What the hell was that about?"

"Well, to fulfill the prophecy I set, we had to reconstruct the shape of life to allow for you to navigate through time, as I did myself hundreds of years ago. Does that answer your question?"

"Sure. Now, where's this bobcat?"

"The bobcat should be here… now…"

As soon as Paradox said that, Bubsy Bobcat appeared 10 feet below both characters. He lies on the ground, face staring right above the two intimidating judges. He gulps and tremors, then finally recollects himself. Timidly, the bobcat asks, "who are you two?"

Professor Paradox chuckles and replies, "Bubsy Bobcat. Long time no see."

"I've never seen you before in my life."

"And I'm, um, Paul Blart. Mall Cop," the fat man announced with an uneasy confidence. "Well, I guess Paradox wants me to do all the hard work here."

Bubsy asks, "and what's wrong here? It's literally an endless void, that much is obvious. Can you manifest me a sign to the restroom? I get that I'm supposed to be dead, but, like I haven't had time to use the restroom in the last two or three days. Fuck, a sauna would be perfect by now."

Paul Blart looks at Paradox and asks under his breath, "hey, Paradox, got any more of those runes?"

Paradox rolls his eyes and replies, "no, those were the last of the Sauna Runes. I tried talking to this bobcat in an alternate future, he's impossible. Have fun! I'll be right back, I just gotta… get more… bubblegum. Good luck!" Paradox then disappears, leaving Blart alone with Bubsy.

Paul sighs and looks down at Bubsy. He thinks of everything and nothing at once, confuzzling his mind. Hyper-fixated on the existential burden placed on his shoulder, he stares intently at the bobcat. Bubsy, confused, chooses to stare right back at him, with eyes mirroring his new god's void. Finally, after a minute, Bubsy decides to audibly ponder, "why are you silent? You know I have questions. I see you are in pain. You and I both. So, I feel like if you want to help me, I have to help you. Do you dig?"

The being above Bubsy nodded. He thinks about the walls around him, and how Paradox left. He saw around him, how he thought nowhere would look just like this, how Paradox finally left him alone, and how Bubsy did indeed answer his questions. He was in control. He confesses to Bubsy, "I hear ya, loud and clear. The best way you can help me, maybe, is to allow me to understand your suffering, from start to end. Please, Bubsy, grab my hand." After this monolog, Paul lent out his hand to the bobcat, and he pulled him tightly and raised him above his shoulder. With the two standing side-by-side, Paul patted Bubsy's shoulder, and felt every spark of life vibrate throughout his plaintiff's body. He breathed to the rhythm of Bubsy's soul, and finally, he saw the light. And then, release. Then, wood. Then, paws. And crawling. Paul felt every sense in the bobcat's fledgling nervous system. It felt claustrophobic being inside a kitten's body- like sticking a square peg in a round hole, corners of Paul's psyche began to erode. Ten seconds passed like an eternity, but then the next five felt like half an eternity. Then the next two felt like a quarter of an eternity, and so on and so forth until his internal sense of time nearly equalled his vision's sense of time. And this was when he could recognize his body as one, and the enemies around him as existing even after he runs away. This is when he could feel the loose synthetic fiber shirt worn around his body for the first time, and this was when he could move, pounce, and collect yarn, just as any Bobcat would. However, no matter how accurate these sensual visions were, Paul couldn't control his body. So he lived through the Bobcat's life, writing without knowing what he was going to scribe, saying only approximations of what Blart would have possibly said, feeling every encounter with death as if it happened to his own body, and hearing every word that comes out of his mouth both as audience and speaker. It scarred Blart to know what he'd say in front of Sonic when they first met on board a spaceship back to Earth. When Bubsy was cured of radiation poisoning en route, he looked at Sonic, torn in scars thanks to an unfortunate encounter back on the alien planet, and mumbled, "I coulda done it myself…" Paul was angry, infuriated in fact, that Bubsy didn't thank him for saving his ass. But then Sonic chuckled and replied, "yeah, I'd imagine you'd make it as far as being five minutes late. Without me, Knuckles would have just abandoned you here." Paul then felt a smile, and a boner.

He saw his host bond with the hedgehog, enduring through all the gay furry shenanagins his mind simply wasn't prepared to be exposed to. After a while, he felt enthralled by their comradery, and soon, their cumrodedry. But he noticed some things begin to crumble, as he felt one painful experience after another at rapid frequencies. First, they had to let their grumpy, yet lovable, orange cat go. Then, Sonic teamed up with Shadow and compromised six of the Chaos Emeralds in order to further each other's lust for power over the diabotical Doctor Eggman. Then, he remembers building up the energy to come back to him, to propose, and to have children. However, the traumatizing experience of birthing the Antichrist left Bubsy unable to birth children. The grief over lost offspring soon mounted, and Paul saw both lovers equally suffering from a disappointed life. Even after Sonic acquired the power to travel to alternate timelines and reunite with Bubsy, it wasn't enough to save their relationship. Sonic needed the Rose Quartz to protect Bubsy from any future danger. Yet, when Sonic pushed too far with the Mad Titan Thanos, Bubsy sacrificed himself to protect his lover. He jumped in front of a sniper blast he saw coming with his catlike reflexes, absorbing the laser, and dropping dead in front of Sonic. He had enough of the damn Rose Quartz, and wanted to prove to Sonic that it would cost him and those he loved a ton of needless suffering. Bubsy came back, of course, and Paul had to endure with countless resurrections, but this time was different… After Bubsy was resurrected, he saw a cloaked man hand him the Angel's Key, swearing to him in a grimdark voice, "trust me, if you show this to Satan, he'll know your name. He'll pretend to know you. That's because I'll make sure he'll see you."

Bubsy then asks, "okay, just one thing tho, who are you?"

The cloaked figure diengages his hooded mask to reveal himself to be no other than a scarred Paul Blart himself. Behind Bubsy's eyes, he felt a trembling existential fear. After all, Blart was looking right at himself. Was it from the future? The past? Why did he need to make himself known to Bubsy at the time? The cloaked figure then saw past Bubsy's eyes and winked at his face, but Blart knew what he was doing- he was trying to communicate with himself. He smiled and shook Bubsy's hand and comforted the poor soul by remarking, "trust me, remember there's a light at the end of this tunnel. Push forward, and be true with yourself. Then everything will make sense." The cloaked Blart disappeared, leaving Bubsy alone. Yet, despite Blart's words of positivity, Bubsy's life continued to crumble, for Sonic didn't fully understand the ramifications behind Bubsy's sacrifice. Granted, it was a confused message to someone who believed his lover had a few lives to spare, so one individual death couldn't inherently be more meaningful than the other. Well, at least that's what Sonic thought. And his failure to properly atone for Bubsy's suffering led to a decline in their emotional states, and it started impacting Bubsy's own moral compass. Soon, he would stop merely robbing cars or pouncing on evil. He would pounce on anyone who could be used as an eligible platform. Blart felt the reckless nature behind Bubsy's own actions exaggerate to the point where the bobcat lost sight of his own values. Soon, the hugs stopped coming. Then, the blue balls began to rise.

The last thing Blart felt while in Bubsy's body was a forceful rejection unlike anything his mind has felt before. The sensation was equivalent to a train heading off a cliff, with tracks of iron precariously dangling off the edge. And as soon as his consciousness thrust off Bubsy's body and back into his own, Blart felt a flurry of foriegn sensations tackle his mind. He felt his chest begin to compress under the weight of his own cholesterol, his crippling craving for sugary sweets, and a constant barrage of piss-buildup in his glands. He looked back at the life he lived for the last 28 years and cried. He wanted to be where he felt most comfortable, at the mall he worked at, doing what he felt most comfortable, riding a segway. Something about this realm felt as sprawling as it did felt constrained. But in this moment, he looked at who he convinced was himself and hugged him. Bubsy let go of Blart's arm after a few seconds and asks, "was that enough to help you?"

Blarrt sniffed his nose and confirmed, "yes. You lost your way, but in your dying moments I saw a spark of humanity. After looking at your life, your struggles, I could tell you that if you acted more informed, you'd succeed further than you'd imagine. Like, even though Thanos appears to be bad, the Diamonds are truly in the wrong."

"Wait, what?"

"Yes, I know you're confused. But I'm from the future, and I know what the Diamonds do, and you were on the track towards figuring it out until you bit the dust. So, I'll grant you this resurrection. If everything goes to plan, I will meet you on Money Island, and I'll tell you the rest from there. Got it?"

"Okay but tell me, what do the Diamonds want?"

"They don't know. That's the problem. They'll destroy our planet trying to find a resource valuable enough for their intergalactic operations. As far as I know, they'll render life here extinct, then move on elsewhere."

"And why's Thanos good?"

"I don't know his true motive, but I know he wants the Diamonds gone too. Any further questions?"

"No."

"Alright, just remember, you're on the right track, Bubsy. Just take what you learned from Gadget and apply it to novel situations, okay?"

Bubsy nodded. Paul Blart then snapped his fingers, and the bobcat disappeared. Paul froze until Professor Paradox reappeared holding onto another bag of gumballs. He looks at Paul and offers a gumball. Paul refuses for now. Paradox asks, "so, are you happy with your decision?"

Blart sighs, then states, "yes. It took me a lifetime to understand this, but I think it's going to be worth it."

Paradox then replies, "well sounds like you're in the mood for a gumball. Come on, it will help your hypoglycemia."

The Professor shakes his bag over Paul's face. Paul reluctantly grabs a ball from the bag and starts chewing. Paul then remarks, "you know, after living an entire lifetime experiencing someone else's unique pain, the more I understood my own. It's interesting, the more pain you experience, the more desentized to it you become."

Professor Paradox looked intently at Paul and somberingly mutters, "I was once in your shoes, remarking the same musings. But then, after a while, it became numbing, pointless."

"I beg to differ, Paradox. I don't think the pain's numbing. Sometimes the pain connects us together. Pain, like Baskin Robins, comes in 31 varieties. but deep down, it's all ice cream. Don'tcha like ice cream, Paradox?"

"No. Ice cream is temporary. Gumballs last forever. But, what are you, if not the sun to my shadow. The ice cream to my bubblegum."

"You know Baskin Robbins has bubblegum ice cream. Does that make them God?"

"Once again I must refute your assessment, for without both bubblegum and ice cream, there's no Baskin Robbins to begin with. Look Blart, I'm proud of ya, it seems like you've made a confident decision. I don't think I'm needed much further."

"But Paradox, there's so much to learn."

"I didn't read up on how to cut through time, I figured it out myself. You appear to be smart enough to do the same. If ya need me, I'll be on Steven's prison facility in space, Nov 15, 2021, blasting away at yet another attempt to save Earth from the Diamonds. Got it?"

Before Paul could say anything, Paradox left him. Blart, left to his own devices, finally rose from the desert sauna, which has been reduced to sand. He looked around him. Nothing. So he kept walking through an oasis until he heard the faint voice call his name. For 850 years he walked backwards in time, seeing sand turn to grass, fossils to flesh, and rubble to structure. The voice grew louder and louder until it took him to the collapsed remains of Angel Island. In the collapsed ruins of a pyramid, Blart spotted glyphs on the wall depicting a robot rising from its grave and protecting the Diamonds. He felt unsure about these symbols- after all, he shouldn't protect the Diamonds. But the Echidnas may provide him a proper avenue for pushing his peaceful agenda forward, so he continued listening to them. The voice guided him to a tomb, claiming he should rest there until the Echidnas need him. So he fell into his grave, feeling like he properly proceeded with his end of the prophecy.