It's the crack of dawn on Money Island, November 15th, 2021. A soldier wakes up in his aluminum drywall house, sweating in his bed, staining his off-beige uniform. He finally slips out of his mattress and remembers that he put his shoes on last night. He sighs, letting go of all his steam, and makes a mad dash out his room. He grabs a lukewarm cup of black coffee off the corner counter just in front of the entrance door. The man chugs the oily drink and slams it back on the door. He attempts to open the front door, but an informational popup appears, saying "YOU HAVE INSUFFICIENT MONEYCOIN FOR THIS OPERATION." The soldier facepalms, then he dashes towards his PC and opens a crypto mining app.

The rest of the soldiers stand over Money Island Cliff in a grid-like formation. In front of the crowd stands one Darius Emmaneul Grouch III, The Rumble. He screams to his army, "alright motherfuckers, check this shit out, it's called the Grouch Punch, it's unlike any other punch you heard of. In fact, this punch is so powerful that those U.N. pussies have called this move a violation of the Geneva Conventions, something too dangerous for people to know about. What a buncha bitches. So, here's how you do it."

[...]

Bubsy stared at the small gap at the edge of the trap door ceiling. For a second, he thought his final sight would have been of sharp metal, a washed up robot, and blood. But he's alive, somehow. Oh shit, he remarks to himself, my body's still caught in these spikes. He slowly raises from his place, in this dank pit of death, with a renewed vigor for life. And with that renewed vigor comes a renewed frustration. After all, what kind of Time God would allow a man to be brought back to death and placed exactly back where they died? Clearly it's a flawed logic. He chuckled, thinking of what Blart would have done to a man who died suffocating in outer space. He sighed, as any Bobcat trapped in a spiky jungle of doom would, hoping for an escape. But there's no escaping this… He sighs, for thoughts of his past lives started flooding through like a shotgun blast to the head. He remembers everything he went through with Sonic, all the unacknowledged suffering, all the dysfunction, all the joy. He mumbles, "he'd probably laugh this one off too…" The bobcat ponders whether or not to rise from the spikes. If he does, could all his guts spill out and kill him again? "This is some sick prank," Bubsy bemoans. Then, a drop of blood falls from the ceiling, and he smiles.

Soon, a river of blood pours through and splashes over the right side of the room, and it gestates back into the being only known as Sol Crima. Bubsy smiles and the monster dashes up to him. He soon covers the bobcat in a pool of the beast's own blood, and it stitches together the furry's wounds. Shortly, his body recovers well enough, and he slips off the spikes and onto Sol's back. Then, the trapdoor ceiling activates. Bubsy, commanding Sol, flies through the opening and descends in front of RoboBlart. Bubsy instantly recognizes the man. He asks, "wait, are you… Paul Blart?"

The man-in-a-machine responds, "yes, yes I am. Long time no see, Bubsy… I recall you used my key quite honorably…"

Bubsy replies, "I'm so grateful for my second chance."

RoboBlart says, "yes. But as is the case with any resurrection, it's not done purely out of altruism. I need you to help me destabilize Steven's plans."

"Steven? As in, Steven Universe?"

"Yes. And the stakes are surely universal. The Diamonds, a group whom Steven represents, owns this whole island, and they're planning to destroy the world as we know it. That's why I brought you here… So you can help me destroy his ship."

Bubsy freezes. He remembers being thrown off by Sonic's initial plan to kill Steven and harvest his Crystal Gem. He recalls attempting to be a pacifist, after all, Steven's youthful… he could still be influenced to help a good cause… or so he thought. So, the bobcat cries, breaking down in front of Blart. He begs, "It makes so much sense now… If only I could have understood Sonic and Thanos sooner… maybe none of this could have happened…"

Blart kneels down to the sobbing bobcat and wipes away his tears. He pats his robotic right arm on Bubsy' back. Somehow, despite being cold, the robot's touch warmed his heart. Bubsy let out another miserable moan and breaks down completely… Blart, in response, hugs him. The robot finally lets go after a while and remarks, "it's alright, Bubsy. It's not too late to fix things. Plus, I don't think you were responsible for this… You were just another pawn."

The bobcat tilts his head down and mumbles, "if only pawns can kill kings…"

Blart replies, "no pawns can kill a king, Bobcat. But together, we can put him in check."

Bubsy thinks about this for a second. He recalls having to spend some MoneyCoin to use an elevator. It really pissed him off. But he thinks loudly, "wait, I have an idea. Are you familiar with MoneyCoin?"

Blart cracks a smile and quips, "yeah, I've had to hack into the systems more times than fast food hacked into my wallet, when I was only human, of course. Did you know the military is only paid using that junk?"

"Huh, interesting. Now, what if we were able to destabilize the MoneyCoin economy, thus crippling the military, and therefore weakening Steven's stranglehold on our planet? Do you think that would help?"

Robo-Blart thinks about this for a second and confirms, "yes, that would be an advisable strategy. I just need to scan the area." Blart then stands still for a while. He retrieves MoneyCoin cookies buried in a temp folder within his mind, and determinately he tells Bubsy, "the library, it's filled with bookcases blocking the servers."

"You figured that much out just from scanning metadata?" Bubsy inquires.

"Yes."

"How?"

"The metadata of the server's location is stored in the blockchain, and my servers can trace this location down to a highlighted point in my POV. With advanced satellite data requests inquiries I can pinpoint the IP down wit-"

"Alright, we get it," Bubsy interrupts Blart. He then screams, "let's scramble!" Then, the Bobcat triumphantly walks out of the room, with Sol Crima following suite. Blart soon sped ahead of him on his segway. In the dank hallway, Blart could hear foriegn footsteps from above. He looks above and hears rumblings in the ventilation shaft- a screw pops out! Bubsy, noticing Paul's defensive posture, subtly steps back from the robot and readies up in a Bobcat Stance. Blart charges up his right arm and releases a missile that covers the vent in a layer of fast-hardening glue. Sol Crima, like a pet, just stands there, waiting for food. He hears a few more bludgeoning strikes, but all of them are absorbed by his military-strength adhesive. Soon, the intense bangs cease, and Paul could detect small rattlings, growing ever so slightly dimmer in decibels as the clock ticks.

Paul looks at Bubsy, silently admiring his posture, and looks back at the vents. He charges up his right hand and shoots out a bunch of small marbles. As the marbles scatter about the floor, the robot looks up, eyes lit red, and shoots lasers at the exposed shaft's bottom, carving a hole in the ventilation system. And as Blart expected, a man fell down and slammed on the floor. Bubsy runs, attempting to engage in a physical encounter with the stranger, but Blart holds the bobcat in place with his left hand. He commands, "don't worry…"

The man dropped onto the ground and attempted to get up. For half a second, Blart and Bubsy were able to observe this opponent. He was of a rather average build. Donning a dark green jacket, brown pants, and a light backpack, all he had was a rather large pickaxe. And now, this human resembling every default option in a character creation menu attempts to recover from a fall most painful. Unaware of the marble trap, the man puts all his weight onto his legs, and as he attempts to rise up, he puts his right foot forward and slips, bashing his head onto his own pickaxe. He lifelessly falls to the ground, with the tool firmly implanting itself into the man's brains. Blart segways all but 6 feet forward to observe the corpse. He gestures to Bubsy to follow.

The two look at the corpse lying down in the mess of marbles. The pickaxe has now pierced through his mouth and out of the back of his head, and bits of hyper realistic blood ooze out of the pick's rim. Blart quips, "for Payless Shoesource!"

Bubsy's shocked expression is further punctuated as Blart bends the corpse open and tears the pickaxe out of his head and offers it to Bubsy. Frozen, the bobcat mumbles, "Blart, I thought you were an empath… None of this matches what I know to be true about you."

Blart nods. He looks at the bobcat and dramatically sighs, as if he were anticipating this question. He solemnly responds, "one of these days I'll tell myself things will be alright, that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. It's hard to understand why… but I know it's true."

"That doesn't answer my question."

Blart mumbles, "it doesn't?" under his own breath. He investigates the corpse's body further and yanks out his backpack to find a small radar signal. He holds it up to Bubsy and explains, "this device will reveal all this man's cohorts." He takes the device and shoves it up his data retrieval and analysis center (his butt).

Bubsy cries, "why, so we can brutally kill more people?"

Blart declares, "I wish I could be pacifist. I wish you could be too. Out of everyone to call me out on killing people, why you?"

"b…because I've learned killing is wrong. And I thought you resurrecting me was in part to continue what I've learned in my dying moments…"

He screams, "I'VE LIVED 900 YEARS SINCE THEN…" After that, he sighs, and confesses, "sometimes, you want to believe there's a lesson to all of life's unfair and cruel games. My protege clearly lived with that mindset. And it's grossly toxic. If you keep thinking there's a light at the end of the tunnel, you'll want to wish away the dark at some point. Either that, or you'll embrace it, knowing that the adage is but literary in nature- and not much more. Security doesn't sleep, Bubsy. It suffers from insomnia, and after a while, there's no such thing as the dark, for it becomes your guide, your light."

As Blart monologues, Sol Crima rises and munches on the dead man's body. Bubsy pays any attention to it, for the dramatic weight of Blart's speech commands all.

Bubsy nods passively, attempting to understand what he says. Blart looks back at him and prompts, "got anything to say? Of course you don't. I've lived your whole life, but you can't spend two seconds in my suit. After all, even one metallic arm is too much a plea for pathos. But it's alright. That's the Blart spirit. To deal with every thought alone in front of an audience is my specialty. Now, if you look behind you, you'll notice a skeletal trooper with a submachine gun…"

Bubsy hears the cocking of a pistol and screams, "OH SHIT." He ducks, dodging a line of ammo. As if he were a lead magnet, Blart stood in place as every bullet bounced off his metallic body. He hands Bubsy the pickaxe as the undead assailant reloads his SMG. In a quick second, Bubsy dashes at the man with the pickaxe and strikes him three times, breaking apart a small layer of protective armor. Bubsy does a sick backflip over the skeleton and forcefully attacks him. In shock, the thug drops his gun onto the floor, and soon, his face follows. In a final move, Bubsy aims the pick's pointer center in between the skull and torso and slams the tool into the ground, decapitating the squad member. A bar of gold slips out of his pocket, along with a small blue card. Bubsy looks behind him, thinking Blart's not looking, then he swipes the gold and observes it. After wiping a small layer of crusted dirt, Bubsy admired the pristine reflective sheen the metallic substance was known for, and there, he could spot RoboBlart's frowning face. "Oh, wow, gold… I was expecting to be paid in yarn balls…" Bubsy awkwardly chuckles.

Dead silence.

"Did you hear that?" Blart mutters…

"What? No…" Bubsy replies as he picks up the small keycard.

Robo-Blart remains still. Small bassy reverberations dwell into the hall with a timid presence, as if one were dipping their toes into a shallow pool. Nothing observable to the human ear. But Bubsy's ears rose after hearing a repetitive audio queue.

"That's a horn, Bubsy… Not just any car horn… It's a reboot van."

Bubsy questions, "a reboot what?"

"A reboot van… right above us. Let me hack into their database… And got it…" Blart suddenly paused and allowed the dreadful vibrations to speak over him. Finally, Blart sighs and miserably states, "John Wick is right above us with his gang."

Bubsy's eyes light up. The dread creeps closer. He utters, "so The Rumble did kill him… Blart, there's a chance that-"

"what? That we can convince him to join the titan's side? The titan that killed approximately 27 orphans for no reason, all in his sight?"

"Well, what's the worst that could happen?" Bubsy asks confidently At this moment, however, a wall of bullets flurries in front of the robotic henchman, with every shell bouncing off his military-grade metallic skin. As Blart segways towards the figure- an entity in a skin-tight black suit with patches of dark blue armor on the left side of its chest. Bubsy reflexively latches onto Blart's back then launches off his shoulders and pounces directly onto the masked figure. Stunned, the assailant stumbles around, shooting his submachine gun aimlessly. Bullets scatter about the room, with one landing directly onto Blart's face. A fragment of Paul's exoskeleton chips away, revealing a little bit of flesh. He pauses to recollect himself all the while Bubsy quips, "alright, let's see who you really are under the mask."

The bobcat tears apart the figure's mask to reveal Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Instinctively, the man raises his right eyebrow as the bobcat curiously inquires, "wait, you're the Rock?"

The man responds, "yes, I certainly am. Though you can call me Dwayne Johnson. The Rock's my old wrestling name."

"So what are you doing on Money Island?"

Dwayne grins and explains, "well me and my squad were going to stop Grouch's sick military operation, until you guys came in and took them all out."

Bubsy exclaims, "whoops! Well, that's what we were trying to do. We were gonna dismantle the MoneyCoin economy to cripple their military."

"Now that's genius. But how can I know to trust ya?"

Bubsy, stumped by the question Dwayne raised, turns to a paranoid RoboBlart. He whispers, "hey, what should we do?"

Blart mutters back, "I don't know, do something Thanos would do I guess?"

Bubsy sits there for a second and pulls out the small keycard. He inspects it for a second, and finally puts two and two together- these cards resurrect squad members in Reboot Vans. He flexes the card onto the Rock and offers, "join us, and when all of this is over, we'll resurrect your friends. Alright?"

The Rock offers his right hand. Bubsy and Dwayne shake hands on it, and together they approach a frozen RoboBlart. Blart finally reboots himself, then he addresses, "sorry, I just had a moment. Dwayne, I'm sorry for shooting you there."

Dwayne laughs and looks at RoboBlart. He reciprocates, "don't worry about it, I inderstand how these things work. We all look like we're against each other, but in this odd scenario, turns out we're all operating on the same moral compass. We just don't know it yet." The walking legend hands RoboBlart a piece of his blue armor, and its nano-tech nature easily sows itself onto Paul's exposed flesh. The three walk away, with Sol tailing behind them, towards the elevator that once led Bubsy and Gadget straight to hell...