"Gotta go fast!" the red blur Flash quipped as he hasted through the surface of a dirt-smothered planet. A flurry of dust litters the barely-breathable atmosphere, but it's nothing the Justice League can't handle- after all, there's much deadlier forces lurking about. Standing outside a dank metallic base, Batman, along with Wonder Woman, observe the crude crater-esque terrain.
"Whatever the Viltrimite did here, it sure knew how to leave with minimal trace," the Batman grumbled while pulling up a Bat-Tablet and scanning the solar system for recent updates on their most recent target's whereabouts. While investigating the universe map, Amethyst, the Crystal Gem, kicks the front door to this mysterious base wide open, accidentally bashing in the dark knight's back. While not a deadly blow, Bruce slams to the ground. Despite three bones cracking, however, the Batman remains silent. He's used to this. Expressing an immediate regret, Amethyst lets go of the bucket of chicken in her hands and runs to Batman's aid.
"O-M-G Bats, I'm so sorry, I didn't see ya there," Amethyst chaotically apologizes. Behind her, Pearl and Garnet walk forth but stop in sudden shock at the sight of a fallen ally.
"BRUCE!" Pearl blurts out at an astounding sonic frequency, "are you alright?"
This unintentional identity leak breaks Batman's intense meditative state. He blurts out, "Bruce? Where?"
"You, Bruce Wayne, the man on the floor," Pearl repeats, "are you alright?"
Garnet stocally struts out of the mysterious lab, looking behind her shoulder, making sure nobody's stalking the supergroup. What lies behind is barren, what lies ahead might as well be too. And with only some scraps of superfluous information pertaining to their mission, these views meant naught for the Justice League and the Crystal Gems. So the brokeback stares at the billionaire's broken bat-back and scoffs. Softly, she utters, "looks like space is proving to be too much for the Batman, isn't that right?"
"Wrong. I think your purple friend over here is a bit too much for humans. Isn't that right, Amethyst?" Wonder Woman rebutts.
"WHAATT!?" Amethyst screams, "lay off me, Wonder Woman, I didn't mean to hurt him…" She then picks up Batman's back calmly and rhetorts, "you're gonna be just fine, Batman."
Pearl chimes in, "he has a name, you know. Bruce. Bruce Wayne."
"Come a little closer, Pearl, and say that to my face," Batman threatens while holding a batarang behind his back. Pearl stands still.
Garnet butts in, "Bruce, don't you know the oldest fact in the book, in space, nobody gives a damn about your secret identity. Pearl, attempt to communicate with he can heal up the man. Diane, prepare the Invisible Jet- this planet's about to explode."
The Flash zooms back to the group, spontaneously holding a bucket of wings in his hands. He expresses comically, "hey guys, what did I miss?"
"Not much," Wonder Woman explains. She asks, "where does everyone get that chicken from?"
"There's a little hut downstairs, one guy's in charge of the whole operation. He sure has some… particular behavior…"
"Oh you mean the guy with that freaky hand, right? He says it's his strong one, but I mean, if I were him, I'd like, you know, use the one that's not deformed," Amethyst asks.
"Yeah, that guy," the Flash confirms, "I think he may be up to no good, but these wings, they aren't… that disgusting..."
Garnet attempts to redirect the conversation. Everyone's treating this as some sort of comedy routine, she thinks. Beyond infuriated, she screams, "did anyone hear a thing? This whole planet is going to BLOW UP." In a flurry of tension, Garnet yoinks Bruce off the ground. Hurriedly, Diane swings the Invisible Jet's door wide open and barges into the control deck. All the heroes dash into the plane and flee the planet. Right behind them, Amethyst watches as an explosion- originating from the mysteriously barren base- scorches the planet ablaze. Fires spread to the planet's core and diverge into tons of branching miniature magma channels. A ginormous pulse of energy reverberates from the center and shoots vibrations out towards the exterior of the Invisible Jet.
"Woah, did you feel that?" Amethyst cracks. "Sounds like a Wilco concert gone wrong."
SLAP! Batman hits Amethyst and utters, "don't cast light on what occurred on Money Island. I loved Jeff Tweedy, and Wick of all people killed him… That cruel, lifeless monster."
Garnet commands, "we must inform the League of this at once!"
"Shut up. Listen." Batman commands while struggling to sit straight.
Everyone stays still and feels the echoes. But they're not just any echoes. They're demonic. Staring at the exploding planet, the magma channels form a small red tinge out in space.
"I can't believe what I'm hearing," the Flash cries. "It sounds like a burning orphanage… but not just any orphanage… A Satanic orphanage."
Just as the Flash speaks these words, the planet explodes into two halves. Blood spills out of the left chunk and gestates into puddles which drift about. A hyperrealistic scream ensues, causing everyone on the Invisible Jet to bleed out their ears.
"Bat-fuck!" Batman screams.
[...]
Bored, Steven Universe spins around an office chair in a room filled with corpses of historical figures. Beneath him, Adolf Hitler's bullet wound still oozes tiny dribbles of blood every now and again. After a minute of rest, Steven attempts to heal Hitler again, but it's no use! With nothing better to do, the young adult stares out a window into outer space, where violent demonic screams can be heard… then, a chunk of Mars drifts into view. Dread floods Steven's brain, for he knows the Crystal Gems were tasked to investigate a base there. Could his friends, neigh, family, be in danger? Without time to spare, he rises from Hitler's corpse, quickly spits in his hands, curls up his hair, and takes a deep breath. Finally he calls the Gems.
Pearl and Amethyst take one quick look at Steven and they share a sense of confusion. They were so happy to hear back from him after all this time, but to see him change this much was equal parts astonishing and unnerving. Pearl had the courage to speak first, reluctantly greeting, "hey Steven, long time no see."
"OH THANK GOD YOU'RE ALL SAFE!" Steven cries.
"Yes, we're safe," Garnet chimes in, "but what's wrong with your face?"
"Yes, umm, you mind if you give me a second… I got some, um, bedhead…" Steven mutters. He knew they were staring at his mustache.
Amethyst quickly says, "hey, Steven, what's up with your Hitler stache? Do you know about him? Do schools teach you about the Nazis anymore?"
Steven visibly flares up, as if realizing for the first time in his life how disturbing his recent decisions have been. He stutters, "its… my skin's sensitive right under my nose!"
"Well get some shaving cream bro, you're looking like quite the incel right now," Amethyst quips.
"Well Steven, stache aside, I'm glad you called. We just barely dodged the explosion… Mars has fallen," Pearl comments. She takes a gulp. After all, she's staring at someone who now remarkably resembles an infamous dictator once depicted by Taika Waiti on the set of Thor: Love and Thunder. After a few seconds of unintentional silence, Pearl insecurely asks, "how… how's it been for you?"
Steven chokes on his own words, barfing out something along the lines of, "just fine, I'm honing in my powers and I figured out how to brew some really good tea." Of course, his anxiety, the mind's sentient paper shredder, tore through the half-formed lies conjured by his tongue, and his actual response required an underpaid psychoanalyst to decipher. (Note to self: make sure to thank him in the credits of the story.) Oh, and the Gems saw through Steven's broken speech. Pearl, not knowing how to respond to anything, remains silent, anticipating the young adult to continue his train of thought. However, Steven reads this as but another sign that the Gems are abandoning him, and he just kicks the head under his foot, splashing a streak of blood over his snot brake. The Gems gasp in shock.
"Steven!" Pearl gasps, "wipe the blood off your face and explain yourself!"
"I… I… uhh, I… ummm… in a warzone…"
"Who did this?" Pearl interrogates under her breath. While Amethyst couldn't believe what she was seeing, the feed quickly degraded to static, intensifying the group's dread. The once exaggerated group lost all life- standing as still as stone.
[...]
Steven smashes his phone against a wall and begins wailing in a pool of blood. Well, he wanted to wail, but no more tears could drip out his eyes. Rather, he just lied on the floor, frozen. He could feel the Rumble attempting to signal him, but that wasn't important whatsoever. He could hear James Franco gleefully climb up a staircase connecting the L-shaped hall to the secret red room, but that too wasn't important. No, nothing was important whatsoever. So he allowed his mind to run rampant with regret, and pathetically slammed his hand onto the ground with a notable infrequency.
[...]
James Franco admires his shiny red key card while leaning back against a small metallic rail planted at the edge of a staircase leading up to a mysterious room. It didn't occur to him that he was in outer space, for the room upstairs serves as a gateway into eternity. Inside his mind, the voice of Willem Dafoe lingers, optimistically teasing, "we're getting close… close to unleashing my ultimate chaotic renaissance… Thanks, little Goblin Junior, for getting me here."
This sentence proved to be too much for little old James Franco to comprehend. He never truly earned his father's confidence, at least, never in such an ethereal context. Though he sheds a tear, James boasts, "heh, now's where you're proud of me. That key card was so easy to yoink, it was almost like taking candy from a mentally-handicapped ostrich."
"Now that's just insensitive. They're not mentally-handicapped. They're just artistic."
"Oh you're one to talk, come on, artistic, you can't even disguise your goblin-ass bullshit. Let's go…"
Shooketh to thy core, James swiped the key card and the metallic red doors swung wide open, revealing a relatively cramped interior. Inside the small yet cluttered room lied a machine with a capsule. Crude convexes of paint scatter around the capsule's rim, and reinforced iron plates seem to bandage several incongruous mechanisms together to form one overhyped piece of work Steven deemed to be capable of multiverse travel. While James' disappointment was, well, rather measurable, the Green Goblin within him frothed at its sight.
He goblin cackles, "this is it! The machine! Flick the switch! What are you waiting for? Smash that capsule and prick your blood!"
"Uh, what?" James asks.
"Trust me, you little bitch, this is the only way we can preserve our line of chaos and anarchy."
James sighs, "alright. Whatever you say…" Reluctantly, he approaches the device and flicks on the "on" switch. Then, he delivers a meaty punch to the capsule. Tons of glass shatters about, with a significant portion piercing James' knuckles, triggering intense bleeding. Mildly stunned, James relieves his hand and discovers a rather large raisin. Underneath the object, oozing piles of what appears to be a slurry of disparate hairs and dandruff reflect a small glimmer of light. And the smell- the smell was beyond putrid. Twas if you hung up a human carcass to dry up in the glaring California sun- a stench James Franco was more than familiar with.
"Good… good… Now, yank that flesh sac, stick your finger in the needle, and let the device do its magic," Goblin commanded.
James, gagging out a little bit, asks, "what… what is this… thing?"
Goblin replies, "isn't it obvious?"
"Looks like a raisin, and there's some dandruff… whoever created this clearly had poor hygiene."
"Yeah, and all raisins bleed like that…" Goblin quipped as James began to pluck the mysterious wad out of the machine. After letting out a small disgusting vurp, James discards the ball and plucks his finger onto a now-exposed metallic point, immediately triggering a sense of lightheadedness in the rich bastard. The machine begins glowing green, and blood starts channeling down a pipe tube shaped like a sideways infinity. Suddenly, James drops to the floor.
In James' mind, the green vortex begins shrinking as Willem stares deep into it. He sheds out a lone tear, reminiscing over his rather anticlimactic life. He mumbles to himself, "all the promise of success, and this is what I end up with?"
"You don't need success…" James mutters, sharing the mental space with Willem. "You don't need success, when you got a successor… Am I right?"
Willem frowns and questions, "a successor? Let me tell you something, Harry… if you think your plan's going to work out, the one with flinging shit everywhere, then I got some news for you."
"What?" James asks.
Willem cackles an evil smile and screams, "we'll never know if it works!" He then takes a quick mental breath and resets his attitude and with a sense of remorse, he postulates, "you know, chum, for once in your fucking innane life, Harry, I think you're on to something. What's success… if not passing the torch of chaos onto your successor…"
"Thanks.. dad…" Harry emotionally rhetorts as he reaches in for a hug. But just as he lunges ahead, Willem forcefully shoves Harry into the green goblin hole and chorkles.
"YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" Willem screams, "YOU THINK YOU'LL BE MY SUCCESSOR!? YOU COULDN'T EVEN KILL SPIDER-MAN."
James begins crying, but he feels a small sense of relief watching Willem jump in with him. Together, they get swallowed by the green hole, and all the light in the world ceases all so suddenly. Engulfed in darkness, only a small dot remains in an empty consciousness. Then, in the real world, a small portal tears open, revealing a much lankier figure with bleached bedhead hair and a grayish-green attire. Astonished, he couldn't even register his new surroundings before a green flare momentarily blinds him. In his mind, flashes of consciousness are interrupted by the presence of this sentient thought, which slowly warps into a new tornado. This mysterious person drops to the floor and hyperrealistically screams as his divine balance is thrown off-scale. He felt a similar feeling once before- when he first performed experiments on his body while working for Oscorp. But this was slightly different. It felt more like two foriegn consciousnesses attempting to merge- imagine smashing two incongruent jigsaw pieces together to form an incoherent fraction of a landscape. As the separate parts shed and pieces of wood scattered about, this man's identity began cracking down. He could no longer recognize his own body, his own thoughts, or his place in the multiverse. All he felt in this moment was two thoughts, both screaming, "I'm the green goblin," in different wavelengths. He lies on the floor in immense pain, screaming as though his whole body was morphing into its current self. His hands- how could they be this lanky? How does he speak like this?
"Oh yeah," the voice of Willem Dafoe cackles in his subconscious, "you're my successor now…"
The man shutters. Though it sounds new, it doesn't feel new. Who is he? Where is he? All these questions suddenly resolve as he glances around the cramped room. As the green vortex in his mind grows, things start feeling like home to him. It was as if all the experiments he performed led to this exact moment, where many disparate parts of his body, mind, and soul, finally reconnected— all bonded thanks to a single missing piece. He takes a minute to rest there, but his moment of silence is interrupted by a gasping cybernetic fox.
[...]
Downstairs and through a hall, many prisoners lie in cells asleep. That is, except for two individuals- Thanos and Professor Paradox. Inside the rather deep chamber, the Mad Titan flexes his Infinity Gauntlet- the one on his right arm- and grows a green hue. In a very casual manner, he phases through the left wall and comes back hoisting Cashew Disguisey's frozen body. Nonchalantly, he plops the scrawny man center stage and manifests a sign. Paradox softly chuckles at the sheer elaborate display on hand. Smiling, he reads aloud in a slight mocking voice, "DO NOT WORRY. IF YOU CAN READ THIS, LEARN TO LIVE AT OUR SPEED…"
"What?" Thanos asks, "do you think I'm a bit too direct?"
Paradox sighs, "I just don't think that this… nutcase can help."
"What do you mean? He can trick himself into being anything…"
Suddenly, the Disguisey vanishes from his cell and appears in front of the two bickering maniacs, eliciting a positive stroke to streak across the purple monster's face. While Paradox recovers from the shocking display of power, Thanos, with a straight-face, commands, "Cashew. We're in dire circumstances right now. The second we snap back into linear time progression, we will give up our autonomy to Steven. If he detects any sense of rebellion in our minds, he will kill us. My gauntlets are powerful, but that punk has a more direct connection to reality itself. He is the only one with a will stronger than my own… somehow… I wonder… since you seem to have an equivalent level of control over life… if you can 'trick' yourself into defeating Steven."
"I… can try…" Cashew muttered. Then, he stands up and screams, channeling every ounce of power in his body. An intense neon green aura encapsulates the figure, then he teleports to a blood-stained office room. The Disguisey stares at a frozen Steven, observing a river of tears targeting a disfigured corpse on the floor. Cautiously, the deus ex machina approaches the teenage menace, and upon locking eyes with him, he attempts to enter his mind palace. He presses his right palm up against the punk's forehead… or tries to. Alas! Akin to two like magnetic forces, Cashew's hand struggled to collide with Steven- some sort of dark, emotional aura prevents him from engaging further with the brat!
"pfft… your brain's like dry mind spaghetti. I spit on you!" Cashew's hand speaks, regaining sentience. Following a splatter of liquid worthy of a cum-shot, the digit-monster stares intently at Cashew's face.
Cashew gasps, "Pistachio! You're still here after all."
"Yeah, looks like the Turtle and the Tadpole are reunited," Pistachio's conscious quips, "and I do mean, 'tadpole,' in all the senses."
"Oh god, you touched my 'spit'" Cashew utters whilst suppressing his shame. "I'm so sorry, dad, I didn't mean to have fun in prison…"
The possessed hand waggles, "no." Then, Pistachio continues explaining, "now's not the time for the birds and the bees. Now's the time to… now's the time to…"
"Time to what?" Cashew ponders aloud.
"Time to give up! Steven cannot be negotiated with, he's too much even for us Disguiseys to fool. His mind's expansive and unorganized all the same- every fired neuron is an Indiana Jones film in its own right."
Cashew stands still and considers his father's plea for submission and laughs, screaming, "you've never met a Disguisey like me!" He then forcefully thrusts his hand into Steven's forehead whilst wishing to have an expansive mind. With every passing millionth of a nanosecond, skin and hair alike scorch a synonymous pink, and a whirlwind of pains, both mental and physical, trigger intense pleasure. The man's endorphins flood every part of his body as it shreds atom-by-atom. Yet, no matter how much his brain expands, it can never fully channel Steven's mind. Every spiritual core worth exploiting for a mental battle is shielded by years worth of dead ends, fractured morals, and corrupted Level 1 memories. Engaging with a mind is like fighting atop a pit of spikes. It's deadly. But it's too late. Cashew at this point is too far-gone. He can't trick Steven… and his body suffers. He ceases mental engagement, but his body slams to the floor and dissolves into ash. An expulsion of methane gas follows suite.
[...]
"Do you smell that?" Thanos asks Professor Paradox.
"Yes," Paradox mutters.
SUDDENLY A GIANT EXPLOSION TEARS THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF, and an unlikely trio of Robo-Blart, Sol Crima, and Bubsy (who's wearing an admittedly schwing pair of shades) settles down directly on Thanos' cell. The Titan screams in still-motion, "impossible!"
"Anything's possible, Thanos…" Blart announces, "including someone surviving my big sticky mess."
"What? Your grenade launcher that shoots glue foam?" Thanos asks.
Robo-Blart nods and exclaims with a subdued threatening nature, "exactly."
"Can we resume time? My brain can hardly handle all this slo-mo talk. And that stench! P-ew!" Bubsy bemoans whilst clamping his nose.
Robo-Blart hops off of Sol Crima and shoots glue over the destroyed ceiling, restoring the exterior of the building. Thanos immediately punches Blart dead in the head. In a panicked state, Blart screams, "my head is a supernuke! What are you trying to do, kill us all!"
"Well, that's important," Thanos utters. "Maybe you can 'supernuke' Steven. Shred him on an atomic level. Maybe that's enough for his soul to dissipate."
Paradox screams, "that's preposterous. Blart needs to live. After all, his entire life is building up to his moment."
"You know what else is impossible?" Bubsy blarts out. "Love."
Suddenly, a horrid stench penetrates everyone's noses. And with that, everyone enters a hallucinatory state wherein the specter of Cashew Disguisey announces, "this goes out to every mortal in this prison. Steven's mind was too much for me, and in an attempt to face him, I succumbed to my physical death. But at the very last non-second, I found a way to trick him, and by smelling this, you immune system becomes exposed to a vaccine of sorts that blocks Steven from penetrating your body and soul. It won't last for long, maybe a day or so, so use it to your advantage. I'm sorry this is the way I had to go. If you guys make it out of this prison alive, please, find my family and tell them of the sacrifice I made for humanity. Pretty please, I beg of you."
"Well I'm impressed, for even in death, Cashew was a trickster." He spontaneously kneels down in respect for his fallen accomplice. In this moment, Thanos understands exactly how to conquer Steven. While rising, the Titan proudly explains, "love… you know what, Bubsy, that's what we need. We need you and Sonic to show Steven what true love looks like. That will make him vulnerable. Here's the idea. You and Sonic try to talk to Steven peacefully, while RoboBlart will come and deliver a stealth blow to his mind when the teen proves to be vulnerable. Got it?"
"That doesn't make sense… how could Steven be vulnerable due to a display of love?"
Thanos elaborates, "Steven's mind is messy. Not even someone of similar omnipotence can wrap their head around him. Exploiting the concept of love would open up some repressed memories, which will act as a stable gateway to his mind. Then you can destroy him."
Blart interrupts, "are you sure Bubsy and Sonic have a legitimate love for each other? I've seen his entire life flash before my eyes, and let me tell you, Sonic's quite the bastard. If this is what love is, then I don't know if they can exploit Steven. I suggest we stand here in still motion and plant a death trap. I got marbles, glue, and enough cool gadgets to make James Bond jealous."
"Then what will the rest of you do?" Bubsy asks.
"We'll fight anyone whoever stands in way of our inevitable victory," Thanos boldly exclaims, clutching his Infinitrix Gauntlet.
Paradox looks at Blart and cynically remarks, "hmm, it feels like we'll suffer severe casualties here. You know, I can just reset everything, then we'll have a more… peaceful encounter."
"I don't want to throw away my life again," Blart announces. "I plan to fulfill my purpose."
"Alright, moralist. Make this heavier than it has any right to be, and I'm sure you won't crack under pressure. Just remember this: the choice to preserve this timeline is all yours, Blart. Always has, always will be."
Robo-Blart sheds a robo-tear and screams, "let's Clint Eastwood this prison."