Freefall (DCAU)
The crunch of the leaves beneath my boots is my sole companion as I walk the narrow path alone, large bouquets of flowers carefully cradled in my arms. My eyes are locked straight ahead of me, my destination in the distance my only concern. Shafts of moonlight cast an eerie glow, peeking through the cloudy cover overhead and adding to the solemnity of the moment.
Countless tombstones extend like silent sentinels on either side of me, spreading out in a well laid out network made of stone and marble. A somber silence envelops the entire cemetery, one that causes a chill to settle over me that is felt bone deep as I continue my journey.
My white cloak gently flaps in the sudden breeze that seems to appear out of nowhere. The hood slips free from my head to rest against my back, my hair tumbling free to cascade down over my shoulders. I don't bother to pull it back up to hide my appearance. I'm the only one here.
I nearly falter in my steps as the tombstones I'm seeking come into view, but I force myself to put one foot in front of the other. My shame nearly overwhelms me knowing that it has taken me far too long to be able to come here, but I owe it to them as well as myself.
I swallow hard, straightening my shoulders and holding my chin high as I had been raised to do. It was something that had been ingrained in me since I had taken my first steps. I am Diana, Princess of the Amazons and Champion of the Gods. The reminder does little to settle the churning storm inside of me, one that had been set in motion over well over three months ago.
Approaching the large monuments, I find my legs threatening to give out on me, my limbs suddenly boneless with apprehension. The way my heart begins to thump a little harder…a little faster does little to settle the tumultuous cyclone of emotions building inside of me.
I draw a deep, shuddering breath as I come to a stop before the headstones of Thomas and Martha Wayne. It is the first time I've visited them here, preferring rather to address them in the portrait that hangs above the fireplace in their son's study. There's something warm and inviting in the way that they appear to gaze back at me as if they appreciate and approve of my presence in the manor.
This…this is far more dismal and colder…final. The portrait reminds of happier times and a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. It shows a family that cared for each other and the warmth that used to permeate the home they had made. The headstones are a cold reminder of just how brutal and cruel life can truly be at times.
I'm reminded of this fact once again as I stand here in silent contemplation, lost in my thoughts.
Bruce wouldn't be very happy with me if he knew that I was here. I didn't tell him I was coming. I know that I should have, but I knew that I needed to do this myself without him. It's not that I don't want him here, but I just…I need this time here alone for reasons that I can't begin to explain.
I fall to my knees before his parents, my chin falling to my chest as I send up silent prayers for their blessing in Elysium. I wish that I could have met them, but I know in my heart that I have met the very best of Martha and Thomas Wayne in their son.
"I'm sorry it has taken me so long to pay my respects to you."
I find the words softly tumbling free from my lips without even realizing it. Now that they have, I find it much easier to speak. "I'm ashamed to say that I have no excuse," I confess with a sigh, glancing down at the flowers still cradled in my arms.
"I'm sure I don't need to tell you what a truly amazing man your son grown into," I continue on as I feel the tears begin to gather in my eyes. "Tales of his heroics would have had to reach Elysium by now. I can verify that every single one of them is true.
"Bruce is the bravest, most noble man I have ever known. He captured my attention from the moment I met him and my feelings for him have only grown since then. It started with respect, grew into a close friendship, and blossomed into a deep abiding love that overwhelms me at times. He thinks that he doesn't deserve me, but it is I who doesn't deserve him."
I pause to wipe away the tears that are escaping, trailing down my cheeks as I pour out my heart to these two people that I love even though I've never had the privilege of meeting them. "I swear to you that I will protect him with my life and love him for eternity," I promise them.
I carefully lay a bouquet before each headstone, pausing to lay a hand on each ornately decorated piece of marble. Deep down, I know I can't avoid my real reason for coming here. I've avoided it long enough…far longer than I should have, but the knifelike pain in my chest has kept me away. I'm here now to save myself as well as my relationship with Bruce.
I draw a shaky breath, the feel of my heart hammering wildly now against my breastbone causing the tears to fall faster as I finally force my attention to the smaller headstone to the right of Bruce's parents. My bottom lip trembles as my gaze falls on the name that is etched into the light pink marble.
"Madeline Martha Wayne"
A sob sticks in my throat causing it to constrict painfully as I turn my full attention to the place where my daughter rests. A shudder ripples through me as I lay the last bouquet of flowers at her grace, my entire body trembling as I hang my head in shame. I haven't been here since we lost her three months ago. It was too difficult to bear, too much to handle after losing the most precious thing in this world to me next to Bruce.
The overwhelming weight of guilt and shame assaults me all over again just as intense and crushing as the day that my baby girl stopped breathing, stopped moving in my womb. It was the most horrifying day of my life, one that has forever been imprinted in my mind and on my heart. It's a pain that I know I'll carry with me until my final breath.
My Maddy was a healthy baby girl growing within me on a Tuesday and gone on Wednesday morning, lost to us forever at five months old. She will never grace us with her presence in our home, a blessing now to all who get the privilege of meeting her in the Elysium Fields.
Shuddering sobs escape beyond my control now, heartrending and all-consuming. My head drops, my tears falling and wetting the leaves that cover the ground. I frantically brush away the fallen leaves, upset that they would desecrate my daughter's grave like this.
That's when I see it…a single pink rose the very color of her nursery lying at the base of her headstone. With trembling fingers, I reach out to caress the delicate blush pink petals and knowing immediately who had brought it to her. Shame swells like a thunderhead in my chest, threatening to rend me in two. He had been here for his little girl while I had been unable to.
It's my fault she's gone. It's my fault she's been alone out here without her mother the last three months. It's my fault that I won't get to hold her in my arms or that Bruce will never get to rock her to sleep. It's my fault that I'll never get to teach her the ways of the Amazon or that Bruce will never get to walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding.
"It's all…it's all…my fault," I choke out my heartbreak, my fingers scrapping against the ground as I clutch at the grass. "I'm so sorry, Maddy."
The unexpected feel of strong arms wrapping around me from behind momentarily stuns me, but I don't fight it though everything inside of me tells me to. I don't deserve this comfort. I don't deserve this compassion or forgiveness. It's my fault…all my fault.
I feel myself being pulled into his lap, his arms holding me so tightly against him I can barely draw a breath. He pulls his cape around me like a cocoon, protecting me from the emotional storm that batters and beats against me like a ship lost at sea.
He presses his forehead against my temple, his breathing erratic as well. That's when I realize that he is crying too, his own pain bleeding through his efforts to console me. It's solace that we've both failed to give each other so many times over the last three months, but we somehow managed to find each other tonight.
I swiftly wrap my arms around him, pulling him unbelievably closer as I bury my face in the crook of his neck. The press of his Kevlar bites against the thin material of my dress and cape, but I couldn't care less. It helps me to know that I'm alive for the first time in three months, a life that I swore had been snuffed out along with our daughter.
I know that I've been selfish, only thinking of myself and my own pain despite the fact that Bruce was hurting just as deeply. Both of us tried to pretend that we were all right, going about our daily lives as if we could handle Madeline being so cruelly taken away from us.
Rationalizing the devastating loss as something fated by my gods and goddesses for some unknown purpose had done little to ease the pain that consumed me. I had thrown myself into my duties, trying to ignore the anguish that was eating away inside of me. I somehow knew that I would never begin to heal until I began to deal with losing my baby girl, would never be able to move on with Bruce until I finally faced the reality of this horrible tragedy.
I'd begun to shut down and shut myself off, becoming some sort of automaton with no feelings. Instead of making things better, it had only served to push everyone I cared about and loved away from me including the very man I had given my heart and body to. I knew that to live again I had to face the reality of death once more by coming here.
It was the only way to stop the freefall that I found myself in.
"I'm so sorry," I sob, my tears trailing down the front of his uniform. My fingers curl into his cape, gripping him with all of my strength for fear he will just disappear or leave me forever.
"Shhh…it's all right," Bruce softly says, tenderly stroking my hair with a compassion I don't deserve.
"No…it's not," I choke out, squeezing my eyes tightly closed. "I'm so sorry I hurt you. It's all my fault."
"None of this is your fault," Bruce adamantly states as he pulls back to cradle my face in his hands. "Madeline died, but it wasn't your fault, princess."
"No, it's…all my fault," I insist through hiccoughing breaths. "I…I was supposed to protect…her. I was supposed…to protect our baby…and I failed."
"Is this what you've believed for the last three months?" he demands to know, tears trickling out from beneath his cowl to wet his jaw and lips. "Diana, the umbilical cord became wrapped around her neck. It wasn't your fault."
"But…I was her mother…I needed to protect her…and I…I didn't," I stutter, the full weight of my anguish finally crashing through the walls that I'd meticulously built up around it. "I failed her."
"Stop…please, Diana," he tearfully begs me, pressing his forehead against mine. "It's not your fault. It happens sometimes during pregnancies. It's a horrible thing to have happen, but it does happen. It's not something that can be predicted or controlled.
"You are the strongest woman I have ever known and the woman that I love more than anything in this world…the woman I want to try to have another baby with when you're ready."
"You…you do?" I whisper, stunned.
Bruce nods his head as he carefully erases the drops from my face, but the tears refuse to subside. "I do…more than anything," he swears to me.
My hand comes to rest against his check, my thumb caressing the part of his face that his cowl doesn't cover. "I'm so sorry, Bruce," I softly apologize. "You needed me…and I wasn't there for you. I was in a freefall and I couldn't catch myself."
"It's all right, princess. I'll always be here to catch you when you fall," he reassures me, his lips ghosting over mine. "I didn't know how to help you either, so I stayed away from you, hoping you'd come to me when you were ready."
"I never meant to hurt you," I confess, my forehead coming to rest against his cheekbone. "I love you more than my own life, Bruce,"
"I love you too," he replies, lifting my face to his so he can kiss me again.
The kiss we share is incredibly tender and reassuring…reaffirming in our love for one another. Retreating, I gaze into his cowled face, wishing I could see the man that I love. "Come home with me, Bruce," I whisper against his lips, hoping he won't continue his patrol tonight. "Love me…make love to me tonight."
"Always, Diana," he promises me, and I know that he will for as long as there is breath in his body.
I stand to my feet feeling better than I have since we lost our daughter. The grief still lingers deep inside of me, but I know that we will get through this together. Bruce gets to his feet as well, taking my hand in his as we stand before our daughter's grave. Side by side as her parents.
"Do you know what helps me to get up every morning?" I softly say, breaking the sorrow-filled silence that permeates the air.
"What?" he asks, looking at me.
"I picture your parents taking care of Madeline for us in Elysium," I confess with a sad smile as I squeeze his hand, the tears threatening to overwhelm me all over again.
Glancing at him, I see a smile lighting his face that is so incongruous with the fearsome mask and uniform he wears. It's the first smile I've seen from him since that horrifying day. "Now that you mention it, I can picture Madeline running around with your raven curls and bright blue eyes…my parents chasing after her."
"I picture her with your nose and mouth," I tell him, laying my head on his shoulder as we stand before the light pink marble.
"I bet she has your laugh," he says, tilting his head to rest against mine still on his shoulder as we share in our grief for the first time since we lost her.
"And your stubborn streak…don't forget that," I reply with a sigh. "You know your parents are going to have their hands full with her."
Bruce chuckles softly as he lifts his head from mine, turning to kiss my hair. "Let's go make Madeline a sister," he huskily tells me.
The desire in his voice stirs something inside of me. It feels as though we can't get home quick enough. "It might be a boy this time," I point out, releasing my hold on him long enough to press a kiss to the tips of my fingers before pressing my fingers to the top of Madeline's headstone. "I love you always, my little sun and stars."
He quickly wraps his arm around me as we begin to walk away. "Maybe we'll go for twins this time."
"Hera, Bruce," I murmur with a roll of my eyes as I snuggle into his warm embrace. I wrap my arm around him as I lift up into the sky, wanting to return to the manor as quickly as possible.