fever dream
13
"Have fun, okay? Call me if you need a ride home, piccolina."
Fiorella smiles, fingers slipping into the gaps between Josh's, hair curled to perfection around her beautiful face. "Grazie, Mama. We will."
The cinema is only a few blocks from here, so they're walking to see a movie and then they'll eat at our family's new favorite burger joint before Josh returns my baby girl to me later.
My stomach snarls when I think of the gorgeous burger I ate at BBCUE last weekend.
When I was pregnant with Fi, I didn't have any cravings. With Jameson, I had pickles and ketchup with everything. Looking back now, I'm repulsed.
This baby, however, loves meat. Red meat in particular. I make a mental note to pick up some more ground beef when we go to the store, then head off in search of my boy.
"Where did you go, baby?" I call, finding the living room suspiciously quiet and empty. He was coloring in his new fish-themed book on the table when I left him.
"Mamaaaa!" Jameson hollers from...somewhere.
Upstairs, I find him with his nose pressed against the bubble pillar in his bedroom. He must have snuck past us in the hall.
"There you are."
"Bu…" he paused, curling his fingers against the glass like he might be able to reach in and pop the bubbles. "Bu—bubbles."
Everything makes me cry at the moment. Emotional movies, the kids being sweet to each other…
And the massive strides Jameson has been making.
"That's right, baby," I breathe, rushing to wrap him up in my arms and smother his sweet face in kisses. "They're bubbles, well done. Great job!"
My pride turns on the leaky taps that my eyes have become; he looks pleased with himself, too.
"Bu-bbles," he says again, sounding more like 'boo-balls,' but I don't even care. He's trying and that's all that matters. This is a little boy who could only say four words when he turned three in May, but can now string a selection of words together to almost make a sentence.
"Unc-Ed, bubbles?"
My heart drops to my feet. Forcing a smile, I run my fingers through his hair; he needs a haircut soon. "Uncle Ed will come see the bubbles soon, okay?"
Grunting, Jameson hops up out of my lap to stare at the bubbles some more, leaving me to wonder if I just lied to my son's face.
It's been just over six weeks since Edward left, since I found out that I'm pregnant. I have my twelve-week scan tomorrow and the baby's father still doesn't know they exist.
Unless Riley's told him.
Glancing at the Nemo clock on the wall, I realize Edward's plane will have landed by now. Riley will probably be with him.
My teeth sink into my lip; I hope they're just talking.
Edward can be a hothead, and Riley is rightfully mad at him. The combination makes for a potentially volatile situation.
"Mama, drink, please?"
Despite my nerves and worry that the brothers are beating the crap out of each other at this exact moment, I manage a smile for my boy, the perfect distraction.
"Of course you can have a drink, baby. Come on, let's go choose one together."
~ fd ~
I've just tucked Jameson into bed when the doorbell rings.
I'm expecting Fi and Josh, so I'm thoroughly unprepared for the sight that greets me when I open the door, smile slipping from my face.
How could I have forgotten how gorgeous he is? How that jaw slopes into a perfect angle, how his eyes are the color of the vines climbing the back of the house, how the heat of his gaze warms me from the inside, out?
"I have no right to show up like this, Bella, but I…" I watch Edward's hand disappear into his hair, the low timbre of his voice cutting me right to the core. "Please can I come in? I think...we need to talk."
Swallowing hard, I blink back tears and step aside so he can come in. As he passes me, my hand floats up, fingertips brushing the faint mark along his jaw; the same spot he had a split last time I saw him.
"It's okay, I deserved it," he admits softly, and that confirms what I suspected. That Riley did that. Reaching up to squeeze my fingers, Edward adds, "I left him in the same condition he found me, don't worry."
Conflicted, I choose the chair at the table opposite Edward instead of beside him.
It's so good to see him, but I…
"You really hurt me."
He deflates. "I know. I'm so sorry, Bella. I can't...I thought I was doing the right thing, giving you two space to patch things up without me around."
Even though the angry part of me wants to tell him what a fucking asshole he is for deciding that without thinking to tell anybody, without telling me, that isn't the part in control right now.
His eyes widen a little, hand stretching across the tabletop toward me. "Please, don't...Bella, I hate seeing you cry."
Dashing tears from my cheeks, I shake my head. "Do you know how I felt, waking up thinking we could finally talk? Work things out? But you'd just...gone. And your note…"
Edward winces. "I'm sorry for that, too, although it's true. I don't deserve you."
"Stop saying that," I snap. "You don't get to decide what, who, I deserve. Fuck, Edward."
Staring at each other across the table, his hand still palm-up reaching toward me, it feels like we're on the precipice of something. The tantalizing promise of more.
The deep and meaningful conversations haven't been a part of this, of us, but as we hover on the edge of past and future, that's going to have to change.
"Riley told me, about the divorce," he finally breathes, and I can see the mixture of emotions his own words stir up. Relief. Sadness. Guilt. I've felt them all, too. "I'm...I wish I could say that I'm sorry you won't be married anymore, but the selfish as fuck part of me has wanted you to myself for…"
As my breath catches, he trails off and scrubs his face with his palms.
"Well, a long time."
I follow his gaze when it wanders to the shelves behind me, lined with family photos over the years. My wedding, snapshots of Riley and I on vacations, our children's smiling faces.
"I'm fucking gutted for Fi and Jameson." His voice is thick. "Do they know?"
"No," I whisper. "Jameson has no idea and Fi just thinks Riley's working on a big new project at work." Chewing my lip, I admit, "she was wondering why he was sleeping in his study instead of with me."
A myriad of emotions cross Edward's face. I can't help but wonder what he's thinking. If he still wants this, me.
"This is so fucking complicated."
Snorting, I nod, the wicked lick of heartburn I've been feeling almost every evening making itself known right on time. The perfect reminder that he still doesn't realize just how complicated this whole situation really is.
"I'm pregnant."
Well done, Bella. And the award for Most Tactful Delivery goes to…
For the longest time, Edward just...stares. At me. He's frozen in place, the occasional blink assuring me he's still alive.
The front door clicks open and shut, Fi's voice floating through as she says her goodbyes to Josh.
"Zio Edward!" She's excited to see him; her arms wrapping around his shoulders from behind snapping him out of his funk. "You're back!"
"Hey, Fi." He musters a smile for her, but I can see the cogs turning, and I could kick myself for not tacking 'and the baby is yours' onto my little announcement. "How's it going?"
"Good. Josh just took me on a date."
Her cheeks flame as he reminds her that she's not allowed to get married until she's thirty, and 'this Josh' had better be good to her. "You've got a dad and three uncles ready to talk to him if he doesn't."
"Right, Zio," Fi laughs, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, I'm gonna go finish my book before bed. Buona notte, Mama, Zio."
"Buona notte, piccolina."
Fi's bedroom door has barely clicked shut when Edward is out of his chair, around the table, and on one knee beside me.
"Oh," I gasp, tears instantly filling my eyes when he twists the fingers of one hand with mine, the others trembling against my abdomen.
"I know you didn't just drop that on me like that because...because it's his…"
My lips start to curve toward a smile of their own accord. He got it. "No," I whisper. "No, it's not."
"I know I should be freaking out right now."
"Uh, yeah," I laugh tearfully, slipping my free hand into his hair, soft strands bleached a little lighter than usual from the sun.
"It's coming, but I…" Blowing out a big breath, he steals mine when he looks up at me with the most heartbreaking grin on his face and emerald eyes welling with tears. "Fuck, I'm so happy. This is totally the wrong time to say it, probably, but I love you, Bella Cullen. I love you so fucking much I can hardly breathe through it sometimes."
Oh.
Swallowing around the lump lodged in my throat, I feel myself beaming like a kid in a candy store.
The timing of this is horrible, truly terrible, but, "I love you, too, Edward."