because the relationship between Tony and Natasha was all sorts of complicated.

enjoy.

"Clint, where's Nat?"

Tony's eyes flick briefly to the empty spot between Steve and Clint and a frown creases his brow. His gaze then shifts to Clint, and there he finds haunted eyes on a man drowning in grief. He watches the archer fall to his knees and look up to meet Bruce's gaze. And it's then that Tony knows.

Knows, but can't believe.

Because she's Natasha Romanoff, and Natasha Romanoff had made a career out of defying the odds.

Because she had faced men and aliens and robots two and three times her size, and hadn't blinked as she took them down. And those were just the ones he knew about.

Because she'd looked Death in the eye time and time again, and told Death to fuck off.

Because she had been asked over and over to accomplish the impossible, and had done it every single time, even when no one else could.

Because she's Natasha. fucking. Romanoff and she would never, and could never be taken down by something as tiny as a goddamned stone.

But as he sees Clint fight a losing battle against breaking down completely, he knows she's gone. Knows that she'd helped them to achieve the impossible one last time. Knows that without her, all of it would have been for nothing.

For the briefest of seconds, Tony's thoughts turn to Pepper and Morgan, and he feels intense relief that he hadn't been forced to make a sacrifice play, and that he'd come back from the past unharmed. But then Nat's face flashes in his memory and he feels like he has to throw up, because while he might be back and safe, she was gone.

Bruce slams his fist down and Tony thinks, not for the first time in his life, about the cost of being a hero.

"Fri?" Tony murmurs as he steps out the door and walks toward a bench overlooking part of the Compound's green space. "Connect me with Ms Potts, would you?"

"Sure thing, boss." The reply comes instantly, and the tone is softer than usual, as though Friday knows the gravity of the situation.

A part of him feels guilty for slipping away, and for being unable to think of doing anything but making sure his family is okay. But he has to hear Pep's voice. Losing Nat has left him shaken, and he has to know that his foundation is still there.

He takes a seat on the bench, his eyes closing as he listens to the rings of the connecting call.

"Tony?"

The exhale of relief slips out before he can say anything. Her voice is as strong and smooth as ever, but he swears he can hear the tiniest little crack of worry in between the syllables.

"Hey, Pep."

"Are you alright?" she asks softly.

"Yeah, I'm okay." His tone lacks reassurance, even to his own ears.

"Really?" She's skeptical, and he's not surprised - she has always been able to read him.

"I got back in one piece, Scout's honour," he replies.

"You were never a Boy Scout," she points out gently, the barest hint of a tease threaded through her tone.

"I think I gave them enough money over the years to gain honourary status."

She chuckles faintly, but it's far from a full laugh. "I suppose so."

He blows out a breath shakily. "We did it, Pep. We actually did it. We got 'em all."

She is quiet for a moment before she responds, and he knows she is choosing her words carefully, just as she always does. "So you can bring everybody back?"

"Well, that's the plan."

Another pause. "Tony…"

"Is Morgan okay?" he asks suddenly, images of his little girl filling his mind. It's selfish, but he wants reassurance that he hasn't lost anyone else.

"Yeah…" Pepper's response is slow and drawn out as she no doubt tries to work out the reasons behind his behaviour. "She's fine."

"Good. That's good," he replies needlessly, empty words to fill the silence.

"Tony…" Pepper says, her tone softer now. "What's wrong?"

His head tips forward into his hands as he lets out another shaky exhale.. He swallows in an effort to rid himself of the lump of emotion in his throat, but it stays put.

"We lost Nat."

It comes out as a pained whisper, and there's a soft but sharp inhale on the other end of the call.

"I'm so sorry, Tony."

Another exhale. "I know she and I had our moments, but…"

"She was your friend," Pepper supplies.

"Yeah," he agrees. A memory of Nat suddenly pops up in his mind. "Do you remember when she came over to visit after Morgan was born?"

"She'd sent over that beautiful hand carved music box as a gift, right?"

"Yeah," he says with a nod she can't see. "I don't think I'd said two words to her since I'd gotten back from my little adventure into space, and if I did, I'm pretty sure they weren't to pay her a compliment...but she still got a gift for Morgan."

Pepper stays quiet, and Tony knows she understands that by talking he's working through his emotions.

"I was so shocked when Rhodey handed the gift bag to me and told me it was from her. And then I opened it and read the note."

Tony,

Rhodey tells me congratulations are in order, so congratulations!

I bet Pepper is ecstatic to have another heavy hitter on her side in the war to wrangle some control over you. For Pepper's sake, I hope she didn't inherit your ego.

Having gotten the chance to know both of you, I have no doubt this little one will grow up to be extraordinary in ways we can't even imagine.

Wishing you both the best on your adventure into parenthood.

Nat

"And you felt guilty for pushing her away," Pepper chimes in softly.

"I felt guilty for a lot of things," he corrects, remembering the accusations and pointed verbal barbs he had sent her way during the whole Accords situation.

Time had gifted him perspective on it, and he had come to realize that she had been trying to find the solution that would let them stay together. He had tried one way, and Rogers was too principled to waver from his beliefs - and so they'd become stuck on two sides of the same coin. Both trying to do what was right, but from opposing ends. And Nat had been squarely in the middle. She'd tried to find a middle ground, but between himself and Rogers they'd fractured it so beyond belief that she'd been left to fend for herself.

"But you invited her over to visit."

His mind drifts to the memory, remembering it as though it were only yesterday instead of years before.

"Tony?"

Her voice is the epitome of confusion. But then it's been months, maybe years since they last spoke more than two words to each other...so perhaps it's not so strange for her to be hesitant at his call.

"Hey, Red."

"Hey. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, things are fine. I mean, Pepper and I haven't slept in...God, I don't even know how long, but otherwise things are good."

"Good."

"So listen, Rhodey dropped off your gift."

She is quiet for a moment. "Mmhmm…"

"And I think you should come visit the little bambina."

"Tony, I don't want to intru-"

"You're not. I'm inviting you. By definition that means you wouldn't be intruding."

Another pause. "I don't think I can get away-"

"Bullshit. You can. There's nothing that pressing that you can't afford to miss."

"Tony, someone has to-"

He sighs, interrupting her again. "Just have Friday monitor the channels for you and send any urgent updates straight to your Starkphone."

"I don't have a Starkphone."

"Shit. Right, you probably ditched that when you went on the run with Rogers."

"You know I had to."

"Yeah, yeah," he dismisses, not keen to let his mind wander back to those times again. "I have a few new prototypes here at the house. I'll set one up for you, and hook it into the Compound's servers as well."

"You don't have to-"

"Jesus, Nat!" he says, his voice rising in frustration as his temper flares. He breathes a calming breath before continuing, this time softer. "I want to, okay? I may not be on the team anymore, but I can still do this."

A pregnant pause. "Thank you, Tony."

"You're welcome. Now when can we expect you?"

"How's Thursday? Around 2?"

"Make it 12. Come for lunch."

She had come over, as promised, arriving promptly just before 12. He remembered answering the door and finding Nat to be the very definition of uncertain. Gone was the seemingly always present confident swagger he'd come to associate with her. Gone was that twinkle in her eyes and half smirk she always seemed to have, as though preparing to deliver another teasing quip to him.

This, combined with the tension of seeing her again after having not necessarily put the Accords conflict between them fully to rest, made for an awkward reunion.

Their smiles had been strained as they stared at each other for what had felt like an impossibly long minute. And then Pepper, god bless her, had swept past the door and called out "God, Tony. Don't leave her out there. Come on in, Nat!"

The tension had relaxed after that, with Pepper and Morgan serving as invaluable buffers. They'd finished lunch, and Pepper had excused herself to grab a quick nap while she could, leaving just the two of them with Morgan.

"God, Tony. She's beautiful," Nat says, her gaze fixed on the tiny bundle in her arms.

"I know," he answers with a smile. "Never thought I'd be the type to have a kid, but...she's here and god help me but I'm doing this dad thing now."

Nat looks up and smiles. "You're gonna be a great dad."

Tony's eyebrows rise in surprise. "You think?"

She nods as her gaze drops back down to Morgan. "You care so much for the people you love. She doesn't know it yet, but she's so lucky to have you as a dad."

Tony stares at Natasha, realizing maybe for the first time how gentle she can be. Raised in the most hellish of environments, forced to kill for years before she somehow managed to break away, and then left behind as the only family she'd ever known was ripped away from her. All of that, and she still had the capacity to be kind and gentle.

"I'm happy for you, Tony," she says quietly, looking up and meeting his gaze again.

Honesty was not something he might have associated with her years ago, but after everything they've been through, he knows she won't lie to him.

But it's then that he notices the dark rings under her eyes that the carefully applied makeup can't quite cover, and the bruises on her knuckles that her long shirt sleeves don't hide. Late nights punctuated with nightmares and too many rounds with the punching bag, he diagnoses.

His gaze drifts to her eyes and he notices they are filled with pain and an emptiness that he knows all too well. He doesn't know what makes him do it, but for some reason he decides to wade into it. "How you doing, Red?"

A smile curls on her lips, but it's far from genuine and far from convincing. "Oh, you know. Keeping afloat."

He frowns. "Nat…"

She looks back down at Morgan who has now begun to squirm just a little. He watches as Nat expertly rearranges her hold before standing up and then beginning to sway gently. The effect on Morgan is almost instantaneous as her eyes fall shut and she settles back into sleep. He'd thought there was nothing left about Natasha to surprise him...and yet finding she is something of a baby whisperer leaves his eyes slightly wide.

He blinks away his shock, and refocuses. Perhaps a different tactic. "How's Steve?"

Her eyebrow arches doubtfully. "You really wanna know?"

He shrugs. "I asked, didn't I?"

"He's moved back to Brooklyn."

Tony blinks in surprise. He hadn't expected that.

"He's running some support groups. It's good for him to connect with people. Makes him feel useful, I think."

"And Bruce?"

She shrugs. "Haven't heard from him in a few months. Not since he left for his project."

Steve gone, Bruce gone, Clint AWOL, Thor across the pond in New Asgard…and he was out of the game. She was alone. Utterly and completely alone. And he knew from experience just how big and quiet the Compound was when it was empty...

"Thanks for inviting me, Tony."

"Anytime, Red. You're welcome here anytime. Got it? In fact, let's make this a weekly thing. I'm betting Pep will jump at the chance to have an actual adult to talk to."

Nat smiles, and he realizes that she knows exactly where his mind had gone. "It's okay, Tony. I'm alright. But thank you."

He blinks. "Nat-"

"It's okay," she says, handing his daughter back to him and pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Tell Pepper thanks for lunch, and give her my best."

"Nat," he repeats, watching as she turns and heads toward the door. "You ever need anything, you let me know, okay? I mean it - absolutely anything."

She smiles and tilts her head thoughtfully. "I spent a bunch of time at Clint's place when Cooper and Lila were babies." A pause, and a lick of her lips as she hesitates. "You ever need advice, let me know."

He returns the smile and can't help but lob it back. "Baby advice from a master assassin. Who woulda thunk it."

Another smile curls on her lips, this one a touch larger than the previous ones. "I think we can both agree that given the people we know and the things we've seen...nothing is strange anymore."

He smiles and watches as she slips out the door, a soft click of the door the only sound announcing her departure.

Tony shakes the memory from his head as he realizes that he's been quiet for awhile now. He can hear Pepper's soft breaths, so he knows she hasn't hung up and is grateful for that.

"She gave up her life so we could get the goddamned stone," he says, spitting the words out in anger. He hesitates for a beat and the anger dissipates as anxiety takes its place. "What if it doesn't work? What if this was all for nothing? What if she died for nothing?" he asks softly.

"You won't know until you try," she offers gently, and even though they are a cliché, he appreciates hearing the words. "She sacrificed herself to give you guys a chance to fix this. Honour that."

"Yeah," he says, his voice cracking.

"I love you."

He feels his eyes fill, from guilt and grief and emotions he can't name. "I love you too, Pep."

The call disconnects and he lets out a heavy sigh.

"Tony?"

He looks up and finds Bruce leaning out the doorway. His voice is strained, and Tony remembers once upon a time when he and Nat had been...well...whatever they had been.

"We, uh- Well, Steve thought we should…"

He's used to Bruce's scattered mind and occasionally bumbling speech patterns, but this is scattered for a whole other reason, and Tony feels his gut begin to churn uncomfortably.

"We're gonna head down to the lake," he finally manages. "Maybe...talk about…her..."

Tony sighs as he understands what Bruce is getting at. It's not really a funeral and not really a memorial, because there are so many people who aren't here and should be for that. But it's all they can do. It's the goddamn least they can do.

"Yeah," he replies. "I'm just gonna change and I'll be right there."

Bruce nods and then disappears from his view, leaving Tony alone once more. He closes his eyes as he tries to find the strength to keep it together, because Thor's already shaken, Bruce is clearly struggling, Steve is wracked with guilt, and Clint just lost his best friend and the woman who'd been a part of the Barton family for years.

Natasha had always been the one to keep them together, even when all everyone had wanted to do was disappear. Losing her hurts, yes...God it hurts, but Tony can do this for them. He can keep it together so they can have a moment to fall apart. And so with a heavy exhale he stands up. I can do this, he thinks. I can do this for Nat.

In a surprising twist, Tony has proven to be the one that keeps popping into my head for little conversations and moments.

As always, thoughts, comments, and feedback are appreciated.

More to come.