for all that irritates me about Steve, I utterly adore and appreciate the friendship that he and Natasha had.
enjoy.
"You wanna tell me about her?" Sam asks with a gentle smirk, pointedly glancing down at the ring on Steve's finger.
"No… No I don't think I will," Steve replies, straightening up and looking out over the water with a content expression on his face. He feels an inexplicable need to keep his life with Peggy private, even though the man asking about her is one of the best men he's ever known.
Sam's lips curve into a smile at the sight of his friend finally truly happy after so many years spent toiling in regrets and fighting a series of never-ending battles. "You have time to grab a bite to eat?" he asks hopefully. "Catch up for old times' sake? Well, old in your case anyway," he adds with a slight chuckle.
Steve offers a small smile of his own as he turns to face his friend once more. "Sure. But there's someone I need to visit first."
"Sure thing," Sam replies solemnly, noticing the shift in Steve's demeanour from relaxed to more serious. "You need a ride somewhere?"
"No," Steve replies with a slow shake of his head. "It's not far. I'll meet you back here, if you don't mind waiting."
"Of course," Sam nods slowly as his brow furrows in confusion. "Take your time."
Steve rises to his feet, waving off Sam's proffered arm of assistance, and then begins to make his way slowly away from the waterfront. He stops briefly to share a meaningful look with Bucky and give his shoulder a quick reassuring squeeze, and then again to exchange a nod with Bruce. There would be time to explain everything later.
His steps guide him slowly but steadily past some of the still smouldering wreckage of the former Avengers Compound. Memories of those blissful years of relative peace drift to the surface...back when the world had still believed in the Avengers. Then everything had gone to hell and left them fractured by their own hands and by the world's fear. But those few years before the Accords...it had been so invigorating to be actively doing good and making the world a safer place, even if he'd still been struggling to acclimate in what was essentially a new world for him.
Eventually he finds himself standing in front of the tree he had once helped to plant in honour of the woman who had been a friend, a teammate, and a hero. He breathes out a heavy sigh as his gaze drifts over the small branches and tiny buds. Despite the many, many years that it's been for him, the memories of that day are still as clear as though it had been just yesterday.
He remembers the feeling of the dirt on his hands and under his nails as he smoothed it out at the base of the tree, the feel of the air that was so heavy with everyone's grief, and how Sam's hand on his shoulder had been the only thing grounding him as he listened to his friends and teammates speak about what Natasha had meant to them.
It had been a week later, minutes before he was due to jump back in time again, that he'd stood in front of the freshly planted tree, still clinging to a tiny shred of hope that returning the stone would bring her back. That hope had lingered even as he'd held the orange stone out over the cliff in Vormir. He'd still believed that somehow, some way, she could be brought back.
His steps toward the edge of the cliff are slow and tentative as his fear of what he'll see when he looks down grows in his chest. Clint had given him a more detailed account of what had happened between them on Vormir, and Steve had felt sick to his stomach imagining her pushing off the cliff and falling hundreds of feet to her death. As he moves forward with measured steps, part of him wishes that her body is still there, and part of him wishes that the magic of the stone will have taken it away.
He's not ready by the time he reaches the edge but he knows he never will be, and so with a deep breath he tips his gaze down. Tears well immediately as he spots her body lying there and he curses his enhanced eyesight as some of the features take shape. The tide of grief rises and he chokes on it as his heart aches with the loss of his friend. She deserves so much more than to be lying at the foot of a cliff on a planet known as the dominion of death.
He turns around to face Schmidt - or, at least whatever version of him this floating being is - and pulls out the stone from his pocket. "What happens when I return it?"
"I cannot say. Few have come to retrieve it, none have ever returned it."
Steve swallows the lump of hope forming. "Will it bring her back?"
"It was an everlasting exchange."
"But I'm giving it back," he replies stubbornly.
"It is everlasting," the floating being repeats. "A soul for a soul."
The glimmer of hope that had been lingering fades and Steve's head tips down with a heavy sigh. "Do I just…" he trails off, and gestures to the cliff.
"Yes," the floating being answers simply, and then to Steve's surprise, moves a short distance away as though giving some semblance of privacy.
Steve turns back and glances down once more, simultaneously trying to avoid looking at her body and committing to memory what details he can make out. "I'm sorry, Nat," he whispers. "I really hoped that-"
But he can't finish the sentence as he's choked by emotion again. He looks down at the stone in his hand, and feels its inexplicable warmth on his palm. He closes his fingers around it gently and then presses a kiss to his fist. He lets out a heavy exhale and then drops it over the edge, watching as it disappears into the thickening mist, taking with it the last piece of his friend.
There's a flash of light and the mist clears. He looks down and sees nothing but rock.
He had told everyone 'whatever it takes' before they'd jumped back in time. Nat had looked at him, smiled as her eyes lit up for the first time in years, and teased "See you in a minute." If only he'd known that would be the last time he would see her alive… Beating Thanos and bringing everybody back had lifted a weight off their shoulders that had sat there for five long years. But losing Tony and Nat had left a new one on their hearts that would sit there permanently. Even the joy of reuniting with the love of his life and finally sharing a dance with her hadn't been enough to erase the pain of losing them.
Steve stands silently in front of the tree for a long time, wrestling with what he wants to say. Thanks to his journey backwards through time he's had years to try and come to terms with her death, and yet somehow it still feels as fresh as it had when he'd left to return the stones.
"Hey, Nat," he says softly as he sighs. There's so much he wants to say, but the words are somehow out of reach. All those damn impromptu speeches over the years, and I can't find anything to say now he thinks bitterly.
But then he thinks about what she'd tell him and he smiles.
"Quit thinking so much, Steve. That's Tony and Bruce's thing. Just say what comes to mind."
She'd always had a knack for knowing what he needed to hear. It was one of the things that had made her such a good friend, and a hell of a second in command.
He takes a deep breath and controls the exhale, just like she'd taught him years before.
"I would hope that this goes without saying, but...I've really missed you. And I'm sorry that I didn't do this before...at your funeral, I mean. I just kept holding on to the hope that returning the stone would bring you back. And then when you didn't come back… Well, it just didn't feel right doing this anywhere but here."
Deep inhale. Slow exhale.
"I'm sure by now you know what I did after returning the stones. I can't figure out if you would scold me or be proud of me for going back to be with Peggy. I know it was selfish, but…I was just done with it all, you know? And after all those years of you and Tony teasing me to get a life outside of work… Well, I finally did."
Steve falls quiet, letting his words hang in the air. While he'd felt the need to keep his life with Peggy private from Sam, there's a safety in admitting his choice to Nat. But he does wonder if he would have told her about Peggy if the conversation were happening face to face instead of being one-sided. A tiny smile spreads when he realizes he absolutely would have told her...if only to prove to her that her matchmaking skills had been terrible.
But as quickly as the smile appears, it fades.
"I'm a little bit mad at you," he admits quietly, the words feeling a bit too harsh given what she had done for Clint, and for the team...for everyone really. Even though it's been years for him, he still hasn't come to terms with his feelings surrounding her death. "We weren't supposed to trade lives, and I know that you knew that." He pauses again for a moment to gather his composure. "But...I also know that you did what you did to save your best friend's life...and to save your family, so I guess I can't really hold that against you… But I still hate that it was you."
He can practically hear the pointed argument she would make, lobbing the absurdity of his words back at him.
"I know you would argue that the alternative of losing Clint wasn't any better," he admits with a rueful smile. "And of course you would be right. But you were the one that held onto the idea of getting everyone back. We'd all moved on in some way, but you kept hoping and kept things going. Even when we gave up, you didn't. You deserved to see it through to the end more than any of us."
He pauses again, shifting his weight from one foot to the other and feeling the aches that had settled into his old bones long ago.
"I really hope you're at peace, wherever you are. With everything you went through in your life...you've more than earned it. And I know that you would probably disagree with me on that, but it's true, Nat. You spent all those years trying to be worthy of being a part of the team...but Nat, you were."
Shaky inhale, shaky exhale.
"Maybe more than any of us. You chose to do good in the world, despite your past and what they did to you. You chose to battle aliens and monsters and magic without the safety net of a super soldier serum or an advanced tech suit. You chose to save people and put your life on the line."
Steve pauses as he blinks away some tears. "I promise you, Nat...you were worthy of being a part of the Avengers."
Another pause. "Of leading the Avengers," he amends.
"Because you were a hero, Nat, plain and simple. And I know you never believed that title fit you, but it's the God's honest truth, Natasha. I'm just sad that I never could convince you of that, because you deserved to have that. To know that."
Steve falls into silence again, wishing more than anything that he could have just another moment with her. To try and tell her all of this face to face, to convince her that she was a hero and that she was worthy of being loved and admired. She'd spent a lifetime trying to make up for what the Red Room had forced her to become and for the terrible things they had forced her to do. But no matter how many lives she saved, he suspected that she never felt that her actions were enough to balance her ledger.
"You gave up everything to save us. You gave up everything so the world could go back to living their lives with their loved ones. And it's not fair, not by a long shot, because you deserved to get a chance to live in the world that you saved and to have people thank you for saving them. You died without any of the gratitude that you were owed."
Steve's gaze drifts up toward the sky as he blinks to try and quell the stream of tears that's already filled his eyes.
"I wish I'd told you how much you meant to me before we jumped back in time. I wish I'd told you how much I appreciated you teaching me what I needed to know about the world when I woke up in a world that was so different from what I'd known. I wish I hadn't moved out of the Compound and that we'd spent more time together those last few years. I wish I'd told you how important it was having you by my side to lead the Avengers all that time. We took you for granted, Nat. All of us. And I'm so sorry for that. You deserved so much better from us."
Steve wipes away the tears that had escaped despite his efforts of keeping them at bay.
"Wherever you are, I really hope you know that we loved you, Nat, and that you were absolutely worthy of that love, and of being a part of the team. And I hope you know that your family misses you every single damn day."
Steve goes in his sleep, drifting off one final time before waking in his childhood bedroom. His mother greets him and they share a long hug before she explains the afterlife to him. He meets his father and reunites with the Howling Commandos (except for Bucky of course). And then he runs into a still exuberant Phil Coulson, who smiles and tells him where he can find her.
It isn't surprising to him that Nat's place of peace is the dock overlooking the lake at the Avengers Compound. She'd once told him that the team had been her family, and so of course she would gravitate to the familiarity of her home in her afterlife.
What is a surprise however, is the fact that Tony's sitting beside her. Steve figured he'd be with his parents, or at the lake house that he, Pepper, and Morgan had made their home. But as he watches the two of them chat quietly and gaze out over the lake, he realizes that maybe he had overlooked the friendship between them over the years. They'd bickered and they'd fought what felt like constantly, but they'd also traded quips and playful barbs not unlike he and Bucky had.
He watches as Tony rises to his feet, and then leans over to press a tender kiss to the top of Nat's head. Steve's eyes widen in surprise, because neither of them had ever been quite so open with their emotions while they'd been alive. He says something Steve can't hear, and then Nat nods, her gaze never straying from the horizon in front of her where the sun is setting.
Tony gets halfway to him before he looks up and realizes Steve's in his path. "Good to see you, Cap," he says when he reaches him.
"You too, Tony," Steve replies, holding out a hand. Tony grins and shakes his hand firmly and uses his other arm to pull him into a hug.
"Gotta say, I didn't think we'd be seeing you quite so soon."
"Well I may or may not have made use of time travel to get myself a life," Steve replies with a small smirk.
Tony claps him on the back as he laughs lightly. "You gave up the conveniences of the future to go live in the past? You mean I taught you how to use a cell phone for nothing?"
"Natasha was the one who taught me how to use a cell phone," Steve points out.
"Well, I provided said phone, so that counts for something."
Steve grins and shakes his head lightly with a chuckle.
"Go see her," Tony says, his tone sobering into a more serious one. "I'm sure she'll be happy to see a new familiar face."
Steve frowns immediately. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, she's fine," Tony replies as he waves off his concern. "She's just...grieving."
Steve blinks. He hadn't thought of it like that. Everyone had been mourning the loss of her and Tony, but they've been mourning the loss of everyone.
"And you know what they say," Tony continues, "you have good days and bad days. And some days it's harder to come to terms with what you're missing out on."
Steve nods in understanding and Tony walks past him, giving his shoulder a squeeze on his way.
Part of him is surprised she hasn't noticed his approach, but then he wonders if maybe she'd left her hyper-vigilance behind. "Hey, Nat," he says quietly once he's only a few feet away.
Her head whips around and the expression on her face is one of pure shock. Clearly she had no idea to expect him… Does that mean she hasn't been watching? he wonders.
"Steve?" she whispers as she rises to her feet.
"Yeah, it's me," he replies simply, offering a reassuring smile.
Her arms are wrapped around him tightly before he can even register her moving forward to close the distance between them. He squeezes her tightly, eyes closing as he revels in the familiarity that he'd been missing for years.
"I've missed you," he murmurs, the words slightly muffled by her hair as his head leans on hers.
"Me too," she answers softly, face pressed into his shirt.
Steve's brow furrows as he wonders just how long it's been for her. He'd lived an entire lifetime without her, but her experience of their time apart was completely different…
"Come sit," she says as they break apart, gesturing for him to follow her back to the edge of the dock. "Tell me everything. I saw you went back to return the stones, but I haven't really been watching lately so I don't know what's been going on…"
"And here I had a long conversation with the tree we planted in your honour…" he says, trying for some gentle humour, but knowing that she's seen past it.
Her smile fades. "I'm sorry," she apologizes. "But I'm here now…"
He smiles gently. "I don't know if I have a repeat performance in me," he admits, again adopting a slightly teasing tone to cover the truth in his words. He doubts that she buys it though.
"Well, we have all the time in the world now," she replies with a slightly sad but knowing smile as she bumps his shoulder with hers. "So catch me up on everything else."
He smiles gently, grateful that she still understands him so well. "Well, I returned the stones and then I thought...why don't I go and live my life…"
"You and Peggy, huh?" she teases with a wide grin.
He laughs. "Well, since my self-appointed matchmaker disappeared on me, I had to take things into my own hands."
She laughs lightly and Steve is thrilled with the sound. "I'm happy for you, Steve. You made it work and thrived with us, but your heart was always in the past."
He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose it was a bit obvious."
"Only to those with eyes or ears," she laughs. "Was it everything you'd imagined it would be?"
"Yeah. I missed everyone of course, but it was just...beautiful. It was so beautiful, Nat."
She smiles, and he can see moisture in her eyes. She grabs his hand and squeezes it gently. "I bet it was."
"I was a dad."
She turns to face him. "Yeah?"
He nods, feeling tears of his own forming. "Yeah. It was amazing."
She's still smiling, but the tears have begun to slip out. "I'm so happy you got your happy ending."
Steve swallows as the lump of guilt forms in his throat. "I'm sorry you didn't get yours," he replies softly, giving her hand a squeeze.
Her gaze shifts to look out over the water thoughtfully and she uses her free hand to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "I lived longer than I ever thought I would. And I died saving the people I loved." She pauses, turning to meet his gaze. "That was my happy ending."
He's struck by how at peace she seems with everything. Tony's words had worried him, and he'd expected her to be a bit more...broken up about everything. But then again this was Natasha…
"I was angry at you for a long time," he admits quietly, suddenly feeling the need to tell her.
"There's a lot of anger in grief," she says with a shrug.
"It was never supposed to be you."
"It's never supposed to be anyone."
Steve lets her words hang in the air for a moment, thinking about how true they are, and it frustrates him that she's right. "You meant so much to us, Nat. You knew that, right?"
She smiles. "I told you, I used to have nothing...but I didn't die having nothing. I died knowing that I had a family and that I was saving them."
Steve's lips twist into a bittersweet smile. "Thank you, Nat," he says softly, dropping every ounce of teasing tone and inflection of humour.
She turns to him with a small frown of confusion.
"I never got to say that to you," he clarifies. "Thank you...for everything."
"Steve-" she starts, but he doesn't let her protest build any steam.
"No, I mean it, Nat. You…" he trails off and gives his head a little shake as his gaze drifts down to his lap where his free hand is picking at a loose thread. "I don't think I would've been able to handle everything that we did without you by my side. And...God you saved all of us. When you didn't come back…" he trails off again, emotion choking him. "And then when I went to return the stone and saw your body just lying there..." he finishes in a whisper, shaking his head.
Nat gives his hand a reassuring squeeze and leans her head onto his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," he continues, "I didn't- When I said whatever it takes, I didn't mean-"
"It's okay, Steve," she shushes him softly.
"No," he counters quickly, "it's not okay."
"It is," she insists as she picks her head up off his shoulder and turns to face him. "It was my choice, Steve. I chose to die. I chose it to save my family."
"But-"
"No, Steve," she says, interrupting his argument before it can begin. "I made peace with it. And it worked - you guys fixed everything. I don't regret the choice I made."
She leans her head back down onto his shoulder as they lapse into silence for a moment and Steve wonders how she can be so calm and accepting about everything. He's had years to try and come to terms with losing her and Tony, and yet he's still bitter about it.
"I think maybe it was just meant to be this way," she adds quietly.
"I didn't take you for someone to believe in fate."
"That's not what I mean. My whole life I tried to understand who I was supposed to be and what my purpose was. They told us over and over and over again in the Red Room that we had no place in the world, and I think that I still believed that in some way until Clint and I were up on that cliff.
"I wanted to save his life, yes, but it just felt...right for me to make that sacrifice. Like it was what I'd been building up to all those years after Clint chose to spare my life."
He wants to argue that her life was worth more than just living to die, but a softly spoken "Nat…" is all he can manage.
She sits up straighter and turns to face him. "It's okay, Steve. Really. I know it sounds awful, but it's...kind of freeing actually. Knowing that I did something real, and something concrete to help...it feels right."
They lapse into silence, each staring out over the water. He squeezes her hand every now and again, a silent means of telling her how much she means to him. She returns the gesture each time.
"Have you checked in on Clint?" he asks as the final beams of sun are disappearing beneath the horizon.
"I know he and the family are okay," she answers somewhat cryptically.
Steve's brow furrows slightly. "Nat…" he prompts, mindful that it's a sensitive topic for her.
"It's hard," she answers with a sigh after a moment of hesitation. "I don't regret what I did. Not at all. But...it's hard to see everything I left behind. I...I was ready to die but at the same time...I don't think I really realized the full scope of what I was giving up."
Steve slips his hand from her grasp to wrap his arm around her shoulders and pull her tightly to his side.
"Did you see them?" she asks quietly.
He nods. "They came to Tony's funeral, and to yours of course. The kids told me stories about Auntie Nat bringing them presents from all over the world, and how she would hug them tightly and twirl them around in the air. Laura told me about the young assassin her husband brought home who'd once been overwhelmed when asked what she wanted for dessert, and about the woman she thought of as her sister."
Nat ducks her head as she struggles to hold in her grief, but Steve just pulls her even tighter into his side. "Clint told me about the woman who saved his life over and over again, and the woman who'd been the best friend anyone could have ever asked for."
Her tears are flowing freely now, and Steve lets her press her face into his shoulder. "They loved you so much, Nat. We all did."
She lets out a shuddering breath. "I miss them," she admits, the words barely a whisper. "Clint and Laura and the kids… Sam, and Wanda, and-"
Steve squeezes her tightly, interrupting her list because he knows it all by heart. "I know, Nat. And I'm sorry."
They fall into silence as the moon rises and stars begin to dot the sky. Steve understands then why Tony had told him she'd be happy to see him. For as much as she had appeared to be at peace with her decision, there was still a lot for her to come to terms with.
"Hey, Nat?" he says once she's had a chance to regain some composure.
"Yeah?"
"You're a hero. You know that, right?"
She sighs lightly. "I think I'm starting to," she admits, and he's struck by the honesty. It must show in his face because she hastens to explain. "Phil and Tony have appointed it their mission to convince me. They take turns looking in on the world and telling me every time they see someone celebrating the Black Widow."
"I can't imagine they have to look far…"
She smiles. "Neither has come back empty handed yet, so maybe you all are onto something."
thoughts? comments? love to hear 'em if you've got a spare moment.
more to come...inspiration just keeps striking.