Minutes ticked by on the analog clock beside Steve's bed, but sleep never claimed him. There were twenty-three thousand, four hundred and sixty-seven bumps in his popcorn ceiling. Around two in the morning, Steve did fifteen hundred pushups. Afterwards, he forced himself to close his eyes, hoping he could ease his mind into submission, but he wasn't so lucky. Around five in the morning, Steve did two thousand sit ups. By six, he'd given up and climbed into the shower, thankful that he'd only have sixty more minutes before the agents came to collect him to take him to the Retreat.

He turned the dial as hot as it would go as he undressed, shivering a little at the realization that somebody peeled him out of his bloody uniform and changed his clothes while he was unconscious. Steve pulled the white SSR shirt over his head and threw it on the ground, telling himself SHIELD meant well. They thought they were saving him. They thought they were helping him. Steve couldn't fault them for that.

Steve put his hand into the hot water, feeling it scalding. Normally he'd want to take a cold shower to calm his burning, serum-fueled blood, but he still felt frozen, bordering on achy. Steve's bones didn't want to move as they normally did. He wasn't sure if he was completely thawed out. He also wanted his first hot shower since he was doing the USO tours in forty-three.

After getting lost in memories of dancing girls and speeches he hated to remember, Steve finally climbed into the shower and let the steaming water pour over his aching muscles. He arched his back into the water, then turned so it would soak his blonde hair and cover his face, mixing with the tears he didn't want to cry.

Pressing his hand to the wall to steady himself, Steve hung his head and began to sob again, hoping SHIELD wasn't watching him now. He felt his body relax as he let the water drown out the feelings of loss and agony and replace them with a sense of calm and resignation. Steve couldn't go back to what he'd lost, he could only move forward and try to find a place in this new world. Director Fury had said there was a place for him. It was time to find out if he was right.

When Steve finally felt some catharsis, he turned off the water and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around his waist before opening the bathroom door and letting the steam pour out into the small room.

He was surprised to find a pair of jeans and a fresh white shirt draped across his bed. Steve realized his bed had been made, something he'd planned on doing himself once he was dressed, but he now saw a leather belt wrapped up on his pillow.

Steve swallowed, hating being watched, but knowing he'd be watched for a while, whether it be on camera or by his new handler. He saw a lack of freedom in his future, and Steve continued to wish he'd just died in the ice like he'd planned.

The analog clock showed 6:47, and Steve choked a little when realized he'd been in the shower so long. He quickly dressed and combed his fingers through his hair to set it away from his face. He was pulling on his boots when the knock finally came. Steve lifted his eyes to the door and sighed in resignation. Looking to the clock, he found it was only 6:55.

Grunting as he stood, Steve lumbered over to the door and swung it open, seeing Agent Hayes on the other side with a cup in each hand. "Good morning!" She chirped, thrusting the right cup forward, "I didn't know how you liked your coffee, so I got it black, but we can stop by the cafeteria to get it done up the way you like before our flight."

Steve blinked down at the woman for a moment before taking the cup from her hand. "Black is fine. Thank you."

She peeked around him, and seemed to realize he had no belongings to prepare anyway, "I know I'm a little early. Briefing ended early and I wanted to see if you needed more time. If you want more time, I can make sure you get it."

"I'm ready." Steve answered, lifting the cup to his lips to take a sip of the piping hot coffee. It was delicious, much richer than he remembered coffee. "This is really good."

"Don't get too excited, I can't make it that good." Agent Hayes chuckled as she took a step back, turning to see another two agents walking towards them. Steve took her momentary distraction to size her up.

Yesterday she'd dressed as a chaotic seductress, but today Agent Hayes wore what Steve assumed was a SHIELD uniform. The suit was deep blue and tight, showing off her toned thighs and arms, but she kept it zipped up to her neck, hiding her cleavage. Her long mahogany hair was pulled back neatly, and she wore no makeup that Steve could see. Despite looking almost lethal, Steve was much more at ease.

She smiled softly as she turned back to him, seeming to size him up as he had done to her. Her eyes lingered on the thin white t-shirt he wore for a moment too long before she forced her eyes up to meet his, "It's kind of chilly. Do you want a jacket?"

"Blood runs hot." Steve grumbled as he took a step forward into the hall to join Agent Hayes and the other two. He carefully closed the door behind him, keeping his eyes trained on the floor instead of the three strangers who stared at him. "Is it cold where we're going?"

"Well, it's definitely not summer." Agent Hayes chuckled back and Steve looked up to smile meekly at her. She slammed her jaw closed, clearly thinking something through before turning to the other agents, "Are his things already packed on the jet?"

"Yes, Agent Hayes."

"Can you find him a jacket? Just in case. I think the Captain has been cold long enough." She turned back to Steve and he felt his cheeks heat up when he saw the look of pity written across her face.

"I'm fine, really."

"You don't have to wear it, but I want you to have it. It's my job to make sure you're okay." Agent Hayes said confidently, and Steve couldn't help but notice the complete change in personality since the day prior. She'd seemed to evolve to match what she thought he needed, and it was working.

"I'm okay." Steve repeated, but before Agent Hayes could argue, he added, "Thank you though. A jacket would be nice." She raised her chin proudly in response, seeming happy she'd gotten him to see her side. Steve sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets, "I don't even know what year it is, let alone what month."

"It's October 9, 2011." Agent Hayes answered quietly, watching Steve with a patience he wasn't used to.

Before Erskine, Steve had been an annoyance. Everyone looked at him as slow and pathetic and always in the way. He wasn't tall enough, fast enough, strong enough to be what was needed, and Steve had grown accustomed to shaking off people's aggravation. During the USO tour, Steve wasn't the actor they'd asked for or expected. He didn't pick up the choreography fast enough and he didn't learn his lines well enough. His manager had begrudgingly written his speech on the back of his shield, deciding it was better for Steve to be a clunky mess than stand up on stage in tights and forget everything.

Once Steve finally got to the front lines, life was a blur. He was in a literal race to save the world from Hydra, and he barely stopped to breathe. Everyone in the world looked to him to lead the Allied forces to victory and if there had been patience before, it was long gone by the time he was handed his shield.

The woman in front of Steve clearly had patience he'd never witnessed before, because she just smiled up at him gently as he processed what she'd told him. She waited for him to ask her questions instead of prodding him for his feelings. Even Director Fury had continually asked him if he was alright when he was just trying to think through what was happening.

Steve felt guilty that he'd wanted the other timid woman, "Okay."

Agent Hayes looked mildly disappointed that he didn't have anything else to say, but there was that patience again. Her shoulders deflated slightly, but the only reason Steve noticed at all was because he was analyzing her so intensely. She didn't seem to mind his gaze and his quiet demeanor. She just clenched her hands together in front of her stomach and looked up at Steve without so much as shifting her weight.

"Will this work?" The male agent asked as he approached with a neatly folded brown leather jacket.

Steve liked the look of the old leather. It wasn't modern and fitted like what everyone around him wore, it looked comfortable, even though it was clearly brand new. He wanted to reach out and feel it, but Agent Hayes beat him to it, taking the jacket from the agent and turning to Steve with a grin, "This is nice." She turned back to the agent, "I want one."

"Humph," was the only response she got, and the agent made no effort to collect a matching jacket for her, so Agent Hayes unfurled the jacket and held it out for Steve.

He turned slightly so she could slide the jacket up his arms, and he felt like a child who needed help getting dressed. It wasn't until she smoothed down the leather over his shoulders that she just wanted to touch him. He stiffened and turned around, taking a step back so Agent Hayes could get a good look at him, "Do you like it, Captain?"

"Steve is fine." He answered, and she raised her brow questioningly, so he gave her a firm nod, "Thank you."

"Are you ready to go, Agent Hayes? Director Fury expected us in the air five minutes ago." The female agent asked slowly, and Agent Hayes just shot her a dirty look.

"Yes. Now we're ready. Lead the way." She hissed and Steve had to try and hold back his grin. Perhaps his first impression of his handler had been wrong, because now he was thankful that he was stuck with this woman who would go to bat for him. She seemed to act as a buffer between Steve and everyone else, and he appreciated it. He didn't feel like conversing with strangers about things he didn't understand.

Agent Hayes led Steve to a sleek looking plane, and he balked at the sight of it. Once again, she waited patiently, even as the other agents called for her to get on the jet.

"Agent Hayes?"

"Just a minute." She snapped back, and Steve saw her give the other two agents a threatening glare. "We'll get there when we get there."

"But Director Fury wants-"

"Director Fury will understand. You can throw me under the bus, and I'll cover my own ass." Agent Hayes called and Steve was taken aback by her foul language. He shook himself out of his surprise, reminding himself that in the past seventy years people had certainly changed. He couldn't judge anyone on things that were most likely commonplace now.

He quickly passed Agent Hayes and entered the jet, standing in the middle as the two other agents looked at him from the controls, "I'm sorry I'm putting us behind schedule. I'll speak to Director Fury myself about our tardiness. Agent Hayes is doing the best she can."

The man turned back to the controls, but Steve could see how tense his back was when he started the jet. The woman continued to stare at Steve in surprise, but he cringed when he saw her eyes rake over his body quickly. "Yes, Captain."

Steve turned and looked around the jet as the back door closed, feeling trapped. He saw Agent Hayes clip a suitcase to the side of the jet and realized that was most likely her stuff. Steve didn't even know where his shield and the clothes he'd crashed in were.

"Might want to take a seat." The man called and Agent Hayes ignored his impatience and gestured towards a seat at the side of the jet. Steve sat and she stood in front of him with her hands on her hips as they took off, leaning her weight against her let to keep her balance.

"Do you want some space? I can go over there." Agent Hayes offered gently as she gestured toward the suitcase. Steve tried to figure out what she wanted, because her face looked hopeful, but he didn't know which option appeased her more.

"Only if you do." Steve finally responded, taking his time to get out every word as he studied her reaction. She gave a slight nod and took a seat next to Steve, looking up at him expectantly. He clamped his hands together in his lap, looking down as he twiddled his thumbs, "So…"

"So." She murmured back, but he didn't look up. "I'm sure this is incomprehensibly hard for you. I can't begin to say I understand or know what you're going through. I just want to get that out right now. I'm here for whatever you need. If you need space, I'll give you space. If you need a friend, I'm a great listener. If you need a distraction, I'm an even better talker." Steve smiled at her joke, but he didn't look up. "I've been given instructions to get you up to speed on what you've missed and what you need to know. However, we haven't been given a time limit at the Retreat. I would assume unless some other enhanced individual needs it, we can stay as long as we want."

"Enhanced?" Steve finally turned his head just enough to see Agent Hayes, "Where are we going exactly?"

"British Columbia. A scientist named Doctor Banner created this safe house years ago when he worked for the government. That was before he thought he'd ever need it…" She trailed off and Steve raised his head, but she just shook hers, "That's a story for a different day. SHIELD has made updates to it throughout the years. It's just… more durable than the average safe house. If you punch the walls you won't break them."

"You want me to punch the walls?"

"Not really, no, but if it happens you won't punch through them like you did in New York."

Steve cringed, remembering how he threw the agents through the wall in a blind panic. Now that he understood what was meant to happen, he felt like he'd been unreasonable, but he was scared and confused. He thought he had the right to be. "Are they okay?" He finally asked, and Agent Hayes just looked toward the front of the jet.

"We're fine, thanks for asking." The man called back, and Steve's face flushed at the realization that he'd thrown his pilot through the wall.

"I- I'm sorry-"

"I'd throw him through a wall if I could, too, don't worry too much about it." Agent Hayes teased to make Steve feel better, but he just ducked his head in an instinctual effort to hide. It wasn't until he felt the woman's gentle hand on his hunched back that he looked up. "Hey, nobody blames you for how you reacted. You're okay."

"I scared the agent who was supposed to have your job."

"I mean," Agent Hayes looked toward the front of the plane, and Steve began to worry that the woman was the one he'd traumatized the day prior, "between you and me," Hayes whispered, "I may have stroked the flames of her fear so I could take her place."

"Excuse me?" Steve blurted as he leaned back, and Agent Hayes cleared her throat.

"She was going to take the job reluctantly, but I may have talked her out of it. I wanted to be your handler." Steve was about to ask why, but Hayes beat him to it, "You're probably wondering why, but the answer isn't what you think. It wasn't, you, per se, I'm an undercover agent. I've never been a handler and I wanted a challenge. Plus, after seeing the mess you made, I figured you needed someone with a little more… backbone… to help you adjust."

Steve flinched at her insinuation, knowing whether she meant it literally or figuratively he'd made a bad first impression on SHIELD, "I promise I won't throw you through any walls."

"You've known her less than a day, you might change your mind." The woman called from the front, but her tone was playful, not mean. Steve noticed how Agent Hayes relaxed at the woman's voice and deduced they were friends.

Steve tossed his head back to get his hair out of his face, fully aware at how Agent Hayes watched him. He couldn't blame her for trying to get a read on him, but he wished she'd stop staring. If he asked, she would, but he didn't want to make her uncomfortable either. Steve decided he'd be uncomfortable in any situation, so he just continued to make conversation, "So how far is this place?"

"Three hours." The woman called from the cock pit and Steve nodded as he stared ahead, wondering how the hell he was supposed to pass three hours of this.

"What will we do there?"

"Whatever you want." Agent Hayes responded quickly and Steve ground his teeth together, knowing he didn't want to do anything. Hayes must have sensed this, and she let out the first sigh of frustration Steve had seen directed at him. His frown softened and she began to speak quieter, losing the chipper tone that she'd used with him most of the morning, "If all you want to do is sit and stare at the lake in silence for twelve hours, that's what we'll do. If you want to spend a week locked in your room alone, that's what we'll do. This is your time to get your head on straight. There isn't a right answer. As long as you learn how to use a cell phone and who John F. Kennedy is, Fury will be pleased."

"I know who he is." Steve mumbled and he narrowed his eyes at Hayes when she looked briefly impressed, "What did he do after I crashed?"

"Became President."

Steve's brows shot up and he nodded as he hummed to himself, but frowned when Hayes added, "He was shot."

"Oh."

"Yeah. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it." Hayes said as she patted Steve's thigh. He looked down and she seemed to realize she'd crossed a line, quickly pulling her hand back, "But hey, one less thing you need to get caught up on! More staring at the lake time."

Steve took a long, deep breath, puffing out his chest before releasing a heavy sigh, "I didn't ask for any of this."

"I know."

He looked up to his handler, and there was that pity again that he hated. Steve ran his fingers through his hair and looked away, darting his eyes around the jet to memorize it before he addressed Hayes again. "You know, I was at war the day before yesterday. I was beat up by Nazis, shot at, and I died. I felt the water overtake my lungs and I felt too cold to move."

"I saw a photo of you being defrosted. You were laying down. I assume you weren't piloting the Valkyrie like that?"

Her question caught Steve off guard. He was venting, he didn't want to talk about his feelings. He clenched his jaw, trying to show his discomfort at what she was insinuating. "I was falling asleep. Figured I might as well try to be comfortable in the end."

"Could have tried to get out." Hayes pressed, and Steve's patience snapped.

"If I had realized I'd end up here, believe me, I would have!" Steve yelled and he heard the sound of a gun cocking from the front of the jet. He turned to see the woman holding her gun low, clearly not meaning for him to hear that she was preparing her weapon in case he escalated his outburst and try to harm Agent Hayes. He put his hands up in surrender just the same, not even having realized his hands had curled into fists as he spoke to his handler, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry…" He turned to Hayes, and Steve saw she was shaken for the first time, "I'm so sorry."

"It's fine." She answered curtly, but Steve could see she was lying. He buried his face in his hands, beginning to feel like he was losing his grip on himself. If Erskine could see how angry he was, he would be ashamed. Steve's whole frame slumped as he leaned his elbows against his knees. He felt like his very soul of crumbling and he wanted to cling to who he remembered being.

Then he felt it again. The soft touch of the agent's hand rubbing his back through the leather jacket. Steve felt like he could unravel as she caressed him, because he'd scared her, and she comforted him anyway. "I'm so sorry."

"I know you are." She answered quietly, moving her hand from his shoulder blades to the base of his neck. He felt a shiver run down the length of his spine. He didn't know if he'd ever been touched so tenderly in his life, or if he just couldn't remember being in a space of quiet and calm.

Steve closed his eyes as her fingers scratched at his hair, and for a moment he imagined Peggy, remembering kissing her before boarding the Valkyrie. It was the last memory he had of her.

He suddenly leapt to his feet, and the female agent spun her chair to aim her gun up at Steve. He panted, feeling his ribcage contract as he looked around the jet. Agent Hayes motioned for her coworker to put the gun down, nodding at Steve, "It's okay. You're okay."

"I can't do this."

"You're okay. You've done nothing wrong." Agent Hayes repeated, but Steve felt like he was suffocating. He couldn't figure out where or what or who he wanted to be and he just wished he'd died in the ice. For a brief moment, he contemplated taking control of this jet and crashing it into the solid ground, taking no chances of survival. He could make sure the agents got out. Then the thought crossed his mind that Agents Hayes wouldn't leave him. She seemed to be just as stubborn and determined as Steve was.

He pushed that thought aside and decided to work through his feelings, the way SHIELD wanted him to. If anything, Steve wanted to give Agent Hayes a chance. She showed a strength that reminded him of-

Steve growled and turned around, grabbing the wall of the opposite side of the jet, "I'm struggling."

"Understandable." Agent Hayes answered from behind him, and Steve could tell she was still in her seat.

"I am trying to sort through what's happened and it's hard. I don't know what you want from me."

"I want you to be okay, honestly. Right now, I just want to make sure you're going to be okay." Agent Hayes assured Steve, and he almost wished she'd approach him. He turned and saw her still sitting with a brave smile that faltered when he made eye contact. Steve looked to her friend and saw the blonde woman still had her gun raised at him while the man drove casually, as if nothing was happening behind him.

Hayes followed Steve's gaze and groaned, "Put the gun down Jasmine, you aren't helping. He has PTSD."

"He's a super soldier."

"And if he throws me out of the plane do you really think a bullet is going to stop him?" Hayes asked dully and her friend finally lowered the gun and put it away. "That's better."

"I won't throw you out of the plane." Steve retorted gruffly, hating the way they talked about him like he wasn't there, but he knew he deserved it. "I'm angry, but it isn't your fault."

Agent Hayes chuckled and Steve couldn't decide if he was angry or delighted, but either way, he was confused. He must have looked it too because Hayes explained, "You're okay, Steve. If this is how you need to work out what's going on in your head, that's fine. I'll sit tight and listen. It's trial and error for both of us, but we'll figure it out."

Steve lumbered back over to Agent Hayes, feeling heavy with embarrassment and frustration. He sat down beside the woman and looked to her, saying nothing, but smiling hopefully. She nodded in response, as if she understood, and lifted her hand like she was going to pat his leg again but gave a thumbs up instead. Steve laughed, feeling like a maniac from his mood swings, but it felt good to laugh. It had been so long that his voice broke, and he cleared his throat and smiled at his folded hands in his lap. He wanted to thank Agent Hayes for not giving up on him already, but he thought better of it.

Perhaps if he didn't say anything, they could ride in silence a while longer.