Average Chris Ch.7 Average Joe Unaverage Kevin Story.
(The camera pans through the clouds revealing Kevin Swanson's house.)
(Music begins to play.)
Hail (hail) (Says Kevin and The Neighbor to each other passing by waving.)
What's the matter with your head, yeah?
Hail (hail) (Says Kevin and The Neighbor waving back at each other as they walk inside.)
What's the matter with your mind?
And your sign an-a, oh-oh-oh?
Hail (hail) (Says Kevin and his Neighbor on Christmas when he gives Kevin a gift with a wink.)
Nothin' the matter with your head?
Baby, find it, come on and find it?
Haaaill!
(Asks The Neighbor singing.)
(Kevin awkwardly backs away.)
With it, baby.
'Cause you're fine.
And you're mine, and you look so divine.
(Sings The Neighbor watching Kevin licking his lips.)
(Opening the gift a box full of The Neighbor in different poses wearing a negligee fall out stunning Kevin.)
Come and get your love!
Come and get your love!
(Kevin turns around seeing The Neighbor peering over the fence winking and nodding at him.)
Come and get your love!
(Kevin slowly shuts the door.)
Come and get your love!
(Later Kevin walks in presses play on his answering machine and hears Joe.)
"Hey Kevin it's your father, turns out your mother and I won't be coming to Christmas dinner after all your sister Susie surprised us with two cruise tickets!" He says enthusiastically before Kevin shuts the machine off with a sigh sitting down at the table, "Well I guess there comes a point in every adult male's life where he has to decide between stopping the man who clearly has an unhealthy obsession with me. Kevin says looking through his curtain at his neighbor dancing with a cardboard cutout of him on his porch, "Or confronting my father on how I feel."
(10 minutes later.)
"I think we all knew what needed to be done." Says Kevin watching his neighbor get arrested through his window.
"You can't prove it was me sneaking into his bedroom window at night and cutting off parts of the back of his hair!" Shouts The Neighbor struggling with the officers arresting him.
"Wait that crazy fucker did what!?" Kevin shouts feeling bald patches on the back of his head, "Now what was that other thing bothering me?" He says to himself.
(Suddenly his answering machine goes off and it's his dad again.)
"Yeah so Kevin turns out Susie surprised us with a vacation in Rome so we'll probably be taking a rain check on your birthday." Says Joe but forgetting to hang up.
"Who was that?" Asks Bonnie in the background.
"No one, let's do this!" Shouts Joe enthusiastically and the message dials out.
"Right….." Sighs Kevin turning off his lights and going to bed.
(The next morning.)
(Kevin comes over to Chris and Menthis's apartment and presses the buzzer repeatedly.)
"6AM who the hell is it?" Menthis asks tiredly over the intercom.
"It's Kevin let me in." Replies Kevin shivering.
"I'll rephrase, 6AM why?" Asks Menthis.
"I still have that warrant." Replies Kevin pushing the buzzer.
"Come in." Replies Menthis quickly unlocking the door.
"Jesus Christ is Menthis starting fires in the park again? Asks Chris looking up from the paper seeing Kevin walking in.
"Not as far as I know." Replies Kevin.
Menthis walks towards the window looks at someone shakes his head no and mouths, "Not today man."
"Come on bro what the hell?" Mouths the Man in response looking at Menthis.
"Sorry today's just a bad day." Mouths Menthis in reply.
"I just find it funny everyday seems to be a bad day with you." Mouths the Man.
"Are we really doing this right now Andrew?" Mouths Menthis in reply looking at him seriously.
"Yes, right now! It's just that I feel like I'm the only one committed to starting park fires now...our nights used to be so lit." Mouths Andrew.
"God they were, know what let's go for next Tuesday." Mouths Menthis.
"Tuesday's not good for me, my kid has karate lessons." Mouths Andrew.
"Alex?" Mouths Menthis asking.
"Yep Alex…" Mouths Andrew slowly shaking his head.
(Menthis slowly nods his head in agreement.)
"Will Friday work?" Mouths Menthis asking.
"Sure after 6." Mouths Andrew in response.
"See you then." Mouths Menthis turning around and remembering he has plans turns back around to say something but the guys gone, "Shit…" Sighs Menthis out loud.
"You say something?" Asks Kevin turning around to him.
"No…" Grumbles Menthis going and sitting in front of the TV.
"So you want help earning your dad's respect?" Asks Chris.
"Yeah I wasn't really sure who else to turn to." Kevin says with a sigh.
"Guy's come check out this new weirdly progressive ad on smoking." Shouts Menthis on the couch.
"Cutaway."
A man in a blue suit walks into a room and sits on the chair and begins to talk, "Hi I'm Todd Sutherland from Quahog Sutherland Tobacco Company, did you know that 1 in every 5 fathers in the inner city leave for a pack of cigarettes and just don't return?"
It shows the Man petting a dog in a breezy field he looks up and says, "That's why we at Sutherland Tobacco want to do our part by lowering the cost of tobacco by a whopping 4% that's right 4% sales tax not included just to bring those fathers home." Finishing with a smile now.
(The camera pans out showing Peter watching the ad in the convenience store.)
"Sir? Sir? You've been standing there just staring at cigarette prices and that ad for over 20 minutes you're freaking me out! Do you know where you are?" Asks the Pimple Faced Sales Clerk.
"I think I've always known where I was, it's probably time I picked up a Sutherland Tobacco Brand Full Flavor 100s and find my way home." Peter says to himself getting his cigarettes and walking to his car.
(Later the phone rings in Chris and Menthis's apartment Chris picks it up and it's Lois.)
"Chris, he's home." She says making Chris weep with joy.
End Cutaway.
"So I'm going to meet you at the station there we'll discuss our next course of action." Explains Kevin.
"I don't trust police stations." Replies Menthis.
What do you mean? We installed that karaoke bar in your regular cell like you asked!" Asks Kevin shocked at Menthis's audacious response.
"Yeah it's just you guys never have that sparkling Fiji water I like." Replies Menthis scratching his head.
"I keep trying to tell you we can't Afford Fiji water." Says Kevin.
"I just feel since I'm a regular I deserve something more than just Aquafina." Whines Menthis.
"Sir this is jail, not the Marriott so good day to you." Says Kevin walking towards the door.
"But." Begins Menthis.
"I said good day sir!" Shouts Kevin interrupting him and walking out.
(Later at the police station.)
"So Chris remember that story my dad told about taking down the Grinch?" Asks Kevin.
"Yeah?" Replies Chris.
"I don't." Replies Menthis.
"Well I'm not telling it again, so just sit back, shut up, pretend you're canon and just listen." Replies Kevin looking at Menthis.
"Well fuck you too." Grumbles Menthis under his breath sitting back.
"What if I told you it wasn't completely untrue?" Asks Kevin.
"Wait what?" Asks Chris shocked.
"Yeah...it was my dad's greatest arrest but the shame he has over his worst he decided to use that part as a cover story." Says Kevin walking to the back of the room and taking a sheet off the white board.
Chris taps Menthis on the shoulder and says, "Men you seeing this?"
Menthis taps Chris back on his shoulder when he looks away and says, "So suddenly the non-canon guy's opinion matters?"
"Goddamnit…" Sighs Chris.
"See my dad might've stopped him but I've noticed something, someone's been hitting the same exact houses." Says Kevin rubbing his chin.
"We'll help you however we can." Replies Chris.
(About 2 weeks of research into the crimes.)
"God why can't we catch that guy?" Sighs Kevin in frustration.
"Hmmm?" Ponders Menthis looking at the white board.
"You have an idea?" Asks Chris.
"Oh...no I was just wondering if anyone else found it weird if you put a line through the pattern of the houses it spells; You killed my father Joe Swanson I will have my revenge! Signed Yung Grynch." Says Menthis to himself and Chris.
"What!?" Exclaims Chris in shock.
"Yeah we're either dealing with a mentally challenged person or his actual son." Replies Menthis turning to Chris.
"No I mean how long have you noticed this?" Asks Chris still shocked.
"For about 2 weeks why?" Ask's Menthis.
"And you said nothing!?" Shouts Chris now angry.
"I didn't want to seem retarded!" Menthis Shouts back.
"Oh dear god." Sighs Chris facepalming himself turning around he says, "Look Kevin I'm so sorry about my stupid friend."
"I can hear you know?" Say's Menthis from behind Chris.
Chris looks Menthis dead in the face and says, "I know."
"No need to worry I think I know where his next target is." Replies Kevin.
(Later Joe and Bonnie are just getting back home from their cruise.)
(Bonnie pushes Joe through the door when suddenly two men put sacks over their heads.)
(Kevin, Chris and, Menthis pull up to his parent's house.)
"Look the doors open." Points Chris.
(They all get out of the car and go into the dark house.)
"I think I hear something from in the living room." Whispers Kevin.
(All three of them crouch and head towards the living when the lights suddenly turn on.)
"Lookie what we have here." Says a man all covered in green hair wearing a Santa suit and flashing his yellow gold teeth grillz.
"Well I guess he's both." Says Menthis.
(Suddenly both Kevin and Chris take out their wallets and hands Menthis 20 dollars each.)
"The fuck was that? I'm here to avenge my daddy and y'all disrespecting me like that?! Says Yung Grynch beginning to get angry.
(Both Kevin and Chris take out their wallets and give Menthis another 20 dollars each.)
"Oh fuck this now it's time to cut your pretty face!" Says Yung Grynch running at Kevin.
"No one's cutting your pretty face today!" Shouts a voice.
"Suddenly Kevin's Neighbor comes crashing through the window and tackles Yung Grynch to the ground.
"What are you doing here?" Asks Kevin.
"Something told me you needed help." Replies The Neighbor.
"Thanks." Says Kevin untying his parents.
"So can we do it?" Asks The Neighbor.
"Ugh fine…" Grumbles Kevin.
Hail (hail)(Says The Neigbor dancing and Kevin unenthusiastically.)
What's the matter with you feel right?
Don't you feel right baby?
(Sings The Neighbor shaking his head back and forth.)
Hail, oh yeah!(Sings Chris and Menthis.)
Get it from the main vine, all right!
I said-a find it, find it!
Go on and love it if you like it, yeah!
(Sings The Neighbor.)
Hail (hail)(Sings The Neighbor and Menthis with Kevin just shaking his head.)
It's your business if you want some, take some.
(Sings Chris dancing.)
Get it together baby
(Sings everyone but Kevin watching his parents leave.)
(All three start dancing and singing.)
Come and get your love!
Come and get your love!
"You're friend's are weird..." Says Joe shaking his head.
Come and get your love!
"But...but.." Starts Kevin but Bonnie shuts the door.
Come and get Joe's love!
"Complete...bullshit..." Says Kevin crossing his arms looking thoroughly unamused.