Since our anniversary, things with Astoria seemed a bit better, though we were still going through hot and cold spells. I never really knew what to expect from her on any given day and often felt out of my depth. When I tried to get to know her again, she often skirted around my questions, and I couldn't understand why. It had been a year since my accident and we'd been living back in our house for nearly six months. Most of our days were calm and happy, but others were filled with small arguments and perceived slights.
There were moments that I felt a certain something was missing from my life, though. Sometimes, I thought it could be explained away by the fact that I used to work full time. Others, though… Well, I felt like it was more than that. The gaping holes in my memories — whole days or weeks at a time — made me feel like I was missing a lot more. During these slivers of time, I felt restless, unable to sit still. Flying was the only thing that helped to calm my nerves, and I was afraid to get on a broomstick most days.
What if I fell again and was hurt? How would that affect Scorpius and Astoria?
Our days were full of each other, our little family, and Astoria had expressed interest in getting pregnant again. With a baby barely nine months old, I wanted to wait. Every time we had sex, I made sure I cast a contraceptive. I wasn't leaving it up to her when she seemed desperate for another child. I had no idea why; she had loathed being pregnant since it had taken a toll on her. And then I'd feel guilty for thinking she'd trick me into getting her pregnant. We were married. It was a decision we would make together when the time was right.
Each time a bout of restlessness hit, I would pick up one of the Muggle books Granger had apparently given me. There were no notes inside of them to tell me why she'd chosen those particular ones — I figured she thought writing in a book was akin to making a Horcrux — but they were all fascinating. Some showed how Muggles viewed magic or explained what they considered to be the unexplainable. In the back of my mind, I was starting to wonder if she was trying to educate me on Muggles to change my opinions.
However, I couldn't dwell on that. If I ever saw her again, it would be in passing at some stuffy Ministry function or in Diagon Alley. Or maybe on Platform 9 and 3/4 one day when I brought Scorpius to the train…
I wondered if she would look like the woman I dreamed up when I was younger, fit and gorgeous with her red-haired children. Because obviously she'd marry a Weasley, even if it wasn't the one from our year at Hogwarts. Sometimes, when my mind was really cruel, she was there with me, our curly-haired blonde daughters boarding the train…
Yes, I'd been a tad bit obsessed with Granger after Hogwarts, thinking about marrying her and having a family together. From the way she mothered Potter and Weasley, I knew she'd be good at the whole family thing. But her hero status had made her untouchable, especially for me. The Golden Girl wasn't supposed to end up with a former Death Eater, no matter how much I fantasized about her.
I shook my head to clear it. I hadn't thought of those daydreams since I'd woken up from the coma, and I didn't want to continue down that path. When I married Astoria, I had closed the door on the fantasy of Hermione Granger forever. I remembered promising myself that on my wedding day. I hadn't worked up the bollocks to ask her out in the three years we worked together, so it was a moot point. I didn't know if she would've accepted me, but Astoria did. Even though she could have voided the marriage contract after the war, she insisted on keeping it if I wanted to.
Granger wasn't my wife or my lover. She never had been, and she never would be. I had a wife and a son and I was perfectly content in this life.
I just needed something to fill my bloody time so I remembered to forget about my former crush.
After much consideration, I immersed myself in studying everything I needed to become an Auror again. I knew my parents and Astoria would likely be unhappy if I made the decision to return, but Potter had told me I'd been good at it, and I really wanted to start contributing again. Maybe if I went back to work and got myself back into a routine, I'd start remembering things. My brain was atrophying from sitting idle, and my magic hadn't really been used properly in months. Summoning Charms and Silencing Charms could only do so much.
I set up a training room in the lower level of our house, complete with exercise equipment and a dueling dummy. I knew I'd need to eventually duel a real person, but this would do for the time being.
Carting all of my Defence Against the Dark Arts books downstairs, I knew which one I needed to look at first. Ever since Scorpius' birth, I had been wondering about when I'd learned to cast a Patronus. I hadn't succeeded at it when I went through initial Auror training, but they'd let me pass through since I'd excelled at everything else. Because I had the Dark Mark, I wasn't supposed to be able to perform the Patronus Charm, anyway. Potter had told me over and over again that Snape had been able to do it with a Dark Mark, but I still hadn't managed it and couldn't remember when I finally had.
When I found the textbook I had been looking for, I ran my fingers over the spine. There was a small slip of paper tucked into the book, and I opened it to that section. Examining the little piece of paper, I saw a logo on the top — the hotel in Paris we'd stayed at for our anniversary. A slow smile spread across my face as I thought about the night Astoria and I had reconnected.
The following was written in neat, feminine script:
Think of this weekend when you next try to cast your Patronus. I'm sure there is at least one worthy memory... if not a few. I know you'll be able to do it soon. Have faith in yourself, love.
Upon first glance, it didn't seem to match Astoria's handwriting, but I couldn't be sure. However, I took this note as confirmation that she'd been telling the truth — we'd gone to Paris for our anniversary the previous year and stayed at the same hotel. I must have brought the book to read before bed — that wouldn't have been unusual, especially if I was really invested in learning the charm for work. Reading over the note once more, I wished I could remember the weekend mentioned. However, the sweet gesture brought a smile to my lips, and I tucked the little slip of paper back into the book, preserving the memory.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to clear my mind and focus on a happy memory, just like Potter had said on the night of Scorpius' birth. I had managed it at the hospital and I was sure that, if I tried now, I'd manage it again. Wondering if I'd gotten my dragon back, I thought of Scorpius's first real laugh and cast.
"Expecto Patronum!" I shouted, and the silver otter burst from my wand again. I stared at it, perplexed. Something about it was familiar, though I didn't know what. I knew I was supposed to have a dragon. Other than the accident, what had happened in my life to trigger this change?
I reopened the book and turned to the chapter on the Patronus Charm. Skimming the words, a few things jumped out.
Constant unless there is some sort of major emotional upheaval in the wizard or witch's life.
Often takes the form of a creature that embodies the person you love, or a person who loves you deeply.
Was all of this some kind of joke? There had been no emotional changes in my life, minus having Scorpius. I didn't think he'd be represented by an otter, though — not that I really knew much about them. And I didn't think I had any secret admirers who would love me enough to change my Patronus.
Setting it aside for further consideration, I started practicing other things. Shield Charms, Disarming, Disillusionment — all of the most basic defences for Aurors. I was pleased I could still perform the normal spells well a year after the accident. They didn't require any study, but I knew I needed to focus on improving my reaction time again. It was one thing to do things properly at home and another entirely to do them in the field.
A couple of hours into my mental workout, Astoria came home and walked down the stairs, looking at the transfigured room and books surrounding me. "What in the name of Salazar are you doing, Draco?"
"I'm trying to whip my magic back into shape," I replied. "It's been so long since I've really used it. I need to make sure I'm still capable."
"Capable of what?"
I shrugged. "Anything I need to be capable of. I'm bored, Astoria. There's nothing to do around here and I want to make sure I don't let my brain turn to mush."
She set Scorpius down on the floor and he crawled over to me immediately. I picked him up and cuddled him for a moment before he started squirming. Setting him back down on the floor, I conjured a set of his favorite blocks from his bedroom.
"Well, you could come with me to tea or go to work for your father," she suggested. "Or you could take up flying again." I must have shot her a glare because she looked offended. "Or not. I'm sorry, what part of that was a bad suggestion, Draco?"
"The flying, Astoria! What if I get in another accident and then I can't remember anything properly?" I replied, trying to keep my tone level, even though I felt angry.
A shadow of something I couldn't place moved across her features. Something was bothering her, though I knew she wouldn't ever tell me what it was. That was just the way of the pureblood wife.
"Well, what about working with your father?"
I scoffed at her. "Are you kidding me? You want me to be involved with Father and his shady business contacts again? Do you remember how that worked out for me when I was sixteen?"
She looked chastened, so I didn't continue scolding her. Her eyes were actually sad, like she was upset that I was frustrated with either her or my life, but I knew none of this was her fault. I had likely done something stupid while flying, thinking I was invincible, and I'd fucked up my whole life. I noticed Astoria's eyes roaming over the books, taking in their titles, and then she noticed the dueling dummy.
"Are you studying to go back into the Auror department, Draco? Tell me the truth."
I internally debated lying to her, but that never seemed to get anyone anywhere. Secrets and lies were always the undoing of relationships in books. But things had just started to get better between us — I didn't want to spoil them by upsetting her if I was honest and said yes.
"No, but it seemed like as good a place as any to start. I'm going to work my way through as much as I can over the next few weeks. I really think it will help me get better," I explained.
She swallowed hard and nodded. "Good. I don't want to spend all my time worrying about you again. It was very hard for me, being the wife of an Auror. I never knew if you'd make it back to me. It was especially taxing when I got pregnant."
Astoria was speaking so formally. I knew most women in our circles did that when they were trying to hide emotion.
"I'm sorry it was hard for you, Astoria. I know I loved it. I can remember the feeling of closing a case and Potter told me I was good at it. I never imagined he'd like working with me."
Letting out a sigh, she said, "You were good at it, Draco. They sent you all over the world tracking down Death Eaters and sympathizers. You were always gone. I can't imagine you'd want that kind of a life now that we have Scorpius to think about."
I looked down at my son, sitting happily on the floor at my feet with the blocks. He was carefully trying to stack them, and I thought about missing simple moments like this. While I was bored with my life, I knew I didn't want to travel the way she was saying I had. Strangely enough, I couldn't remember being gone all that often.
"Where did I go?" I asked. "I can't remember any of these trips. And you're saying I went all over the world?"
Astoria nodded. "Greece, Paris, Italy, America… I'm sure there were other places, but I can't remember right now."
Rubbing my hands over my face, I tried to recall something about any of those places. I could see glimpses of Paris, but I'd been there many times and couldn't remember working there at all.
"I fucking hate this," I groaned. "I can't remember anything and it's driving me mad. I want to know what all those places were like."
"Language, Draco! Scorpius is right there," she squealed.
I rolled my eyes. "He doesn't even talk yet, Stori. Surely I can curse for a few more months before I have to start censoring myself."
Glaring at me, she picked Scorpius up. "Well, we'll just leave you to your magic practice. Sorry that you had an accident and can't remember your little trips, Draco. Honestly, I'm sorry that we're not enough to make you happy."
"You do! Both of you do! It's just so aggravating that you, my parents, and Harry bloody Potter know more about my own life than I do, Astoria! You must be able to understand my frustration with the whole situation!"
Not bothering to answer me, she continued walking up the stairs, keeping her eyes fixed forward. I didn't know what I'd done to set her off like that. She was the one who had brought up my travels, not me. For just one moment, I wished she could understand what it was like to constantly be looking for information that used to be present. Memories, whole days or weeks or whatever, were just entirely gone. Like they had never happened at all.
I picked up my wand and started firing Stunners and other light hexes at the dueling dummy. I was so aggravated, so frustrated, that I needed to take it out on someone or something. Astoria was the only possible human target I had, and I didn't want to hurt her. Instead of turning my anger inwards, I directed it at the dummy, making sure it felt my rage.
After half an hour of working my frustration off, I decided to head upstairs and apologize to Astoria. Even if I still thought my attitude about not being able to access my memories was totally acceptable, it clearly bothered her. I could swallow my pride to keep her happy. I didn't want to be arguing with her, as well as frustrated with myself.
When I reached the kitchen, I saw Scorpius watching levitating fruit. Astoria was flipping through Witch Weekly, her wand in her hand, the patterns she was moving it in matching the way the fruit was spinning.
Slowly approaching her, I said, "I'm sorry for getting frustrated. It's just… hard. I thought I would've remembered more by now."
"It's fine, Draco. I should be more understanding. I'm sorry I'm not," she replied. "It's not easy for me, either, you know. I want to help you, and I can't. There's nothing I can do to fix this!"
Her reaction seemed a bit extreme, but I didn't say anything about it. Why would she ever think she could fix my injury? It was truly beyond me, beyond my comprehension.
When I looked down at the article she was looking at, I saw a spread devoted to Granger's birthday. She was twenty-seven, unmarried, and out on the town with Blaise, Potter, the Weasel, Pansy, and Loony Lovegood. Blaise held a prominent place at her side, his arm looped around her waist possessively. Immediately, I felt jealous of him.
Astoria turned the page before I could read anything printed. "Bloody Golden Trio can't even go out for a night without us having to read all about it," she hissed. "And, of course, Pansy and Blaise were out with them, too."
"Granger's birthday, right?" I asked and she nodded in response, a scowl on her face. "I'm surprised she's all snuggled up with Blaise."
"They're friends, Draco. They've worked together for years at this point. He's always seen with the Golden Trio and Pansy. It's like he's Granger's surrogate boyfriend or something," she explained. "But who knows? I think he's actually in love with her and waiting for her to be ready for something serious."
Astoria was looking at an advertisement for Madame Malkin's, a fetching set of pink robes featured. They looked expensive, and I was sure they'd appear in her wardrobe later this week with the way she was ogling them.
Blaise? In love with Granger? There was no way. He knew I was always interested in her...
"He never said anything," I stated, and Astoria turned to me, a meaningful look on her face. "I mean, he never said anything that I can remember."
Shrugging, she ignored my comment. My eyes moved back to Scorpius as my mind spiraled. I thought of my birthday, the way Blaise had said Granger would find the right man and settle down.
There are plenty of men who would be willing to commit to her and give her everything she ever wanted.
And he was one of them. I knew I should be happy for her; Blaise would care for her and love her properly, but the thought of seeing them together at social events and at more private gatherings twisted my stomach into knots. I knew I'd be envious of Blaise and jealousy had always turned me into a right prick, especially when it came to her.
In my mind, I could see Blaise's hand on her lower back, pressing her close to him while they kissed. When they broke apart, she smiled up at him, giving him the same grin I'd seen on her face in The Prophet when she and Weasley had been photographed together after the war.
While I hated Weasley, I was ultimately able to understand their relationship. They had been close friends and turned into lovers during the war. If she'd married Weasley, our paths wouldn't have crossed often — only when Pansy and Potter invited us to the same events — but if she married Blaise…
I'd likely see them together a lot, especially if I went back to work. We'd all be in the department together and I'd see him go into her office and close the door, and I'd wonder…
I stopped my train of thought. Remembering what I'd told myself earlier in the day, I tried to settle down. When I'd married Astoria, I'd given up on all my fantasies of Hermione Granger. It didn't matter who she ended up with, whether it was Weasel or Blaise or Seamus bloody Finnigan. I was just having trouble keeping my mind straight.
Again, I found myself angry that I could make new memories perfectly, but couldn't recall the simplest things from the past.
I was being completely ridiculous. I'd not spoken to her in years, other than a polite greeting at work and our annual book exchange. We had worked together for three whole years, and I'd never approached her or tried to befriend her. Out of all the things I could still remember or feel with any amount of certainty, why did this absurd infatuation have to be one of them?
Scorpius laughed, pulling me out of my head. I ran a hand through my fringe, pushing it back from my face, and looked over at Astoria. Her eyes were both angry and sad at the same time. I waited for her to say something to me, to confront me about what I'd been thinking about, but she didn't.
Instead, her attention drifted to Scorpius. The fruit was now dancing mid-air, the individual pieces circling around each other. I saw him reach for a dining chair and quickly placed a Sticking Charm on the legs, holding it stationary. He pulled himself up, getting to his feet and releasing the chair. Smiling, he continued looking up at the fruit and clapped his hands. He bounced a little bit, his knees bending, and he fell down.
But he didn't cry. He kept on giggling and clapping.
Astoria and I looked at each other and laughed with him. He was the link between us and the most important thing in my life.
Again, I resolved to let all my dreams about Hermione Granger die. If she ended up with Blaise, I'd find a way to deal with the shared events. I'd focus my energy on Astoria and Scorpius, on ensuring my son grew up in a loving home and had a normal childhood.
I'd give him everything that I'd missed out on.