"Ana...please. Just take the test." It has been eleven days since they went back to have two more embryos placed in her uterus, and so far Anastasia has been dragging her feet about taking the pregnancy test.
"Can't we just wait a few more days?" Anastasia just wants to continue to think that she might be pregnant. She doesn't want it to come up negative and know that she isn't. The last month has been so hard on her. When she received her period after the last negative pregnancy test, she cried for two days.
"I need to know, Ana. I want to take the proper precautions if it's positive, love. Please. Please take it. I've been worried sick." Christian doesn't want to wonder anymore. He needs to know either way. His heart can't take this 'what if' shit anymore. If it's negative, they can get through it and move on, trying again next month. If it's positive, they can move on to bigger and greater things, including getting her the proper security, telling their families, and buying baby gear. He needs a concrete answer.
Chewing her lip, she stares at him. "Okay. I'll take it." She's suddenly nauseated and she knows it isn't the pregnancy hormones making her that way.
He gives her a relieved smile. "Thank you, Ana." He stands off his couch and takes her hands, pulling her up so she can follow him to his bathroom. He goes straight for the cabinet containing their pregnancy tests and hands her two of them.
Anastasia takes them and Christian notices her hand shaking as she reaches for the items. "Ana...no matter the outcome, we'll get through this."
Swallowing hard, she nods. "Yea." Still, she's unsure. She slowly makes her way to the toilet and shuts the door behind her. "You can do this, Ana." She whispers to herself.
After she urinates on both of the tests, she places them on the counter and washes her hands slowly, trying to calm her thudding heart. It feels like it's about to beat out of her chest.
"Do you want to look?" Christian asks.
Anastasia frowns. "Do I have to?" She slides down the wall beside the sink and has a seat on the floor. "I'm scared, Christian. I just have this feeling…"
"Stop. Don't think that way. You have to think positive."
"No, you stop! Thinking positive isn't going to change the results of those tests. You read them yourself. I already know the outcome."
He sighs and tugs at his hair, frustrated. He hates that he can't make this better for her. The only thing that can make her feel better is a positive pregnancy test. He chews his lip for a moment and swallows hard, trying to push back the lump in his throat. He closes his eyes, silently begs for it to be positive and then slowly opens them, looking at the tests.
Negative.
Fuck.
He exhales deeply and kneels in front of her pulling her to him. This time, he can't keep his tears from flowing. He's completely heart broken. He doesn't understand why this has to be so painful for them. Anastasia deserves a child. Maybe it is his fault. Maybe he isn't meant to be a father and God is preventing Anastasia from having a child because of him.
"Oh, Christian…" Anastasia slides her fingers through the back of his hair as he cries into her neck. "I'm so sorry, beau." She feels numb. She knew this wouldn't end well. Her intuition told her that she wasn't pregnant. She feels more prepared this time than she did the first time, although it's still devastating. She knows that this was her last chance. She's cleared out her savings account for these two rounds and she can't afford another one. She won't become a mother. Christian will move on and have a child with another woman and she'll be alone. Her dream of having her own child will never come true and her best friend will eventually find a wife and leave her life for good. There won't be a child keeping him around. Nothing will keep him here. The pain becomes too much for Anastasia to bear and she begins to sob along with Christian. Her life is crashing down around her and there is nothing she can do to stop it.
They both cry and cry until their throats are raw, their eyes are red and swollen and their bottoms are numb from the hard floor. Slowly, they begin to calm, and they're both emotional exhausted from the harsh news.
Christian lays with his head in Anastasia's lap while she runs her fingers through his hair. She doesn't think she's ever seen him look so devastated before. It's really hitting him hard and it's all her fault. His face is swollen from crying, his nose and cheeks are blotchy, and his eyes are so red and swollen from crying he can barely hold his eyes open without the light from the ceiling making them burn. They're too sensitive. Instead, he turns and hides his face in her abdomen, nuzzling into it.
Anastasia smells of her apple body wash and her vanilla body spray. It's a mixture he's come to love so much. It's purely his Ana. It helps calm him quickly. He takes a deep breath in through his nose and breathes out through his mouth. It cleanses the pain in his chest and he feels like he can finally keep it together enough to sit up.
"How are you feeling?" She asks as he sits up next to her. She wipes his wet cheeks with her the pads of her fingers.
He sniffles. "Better."
She gives him a sad smile. She doesn't even know what to say. If she tries to apologize once more, she knows that she'll burst into tears all over again. The air is heavy and quiet for a couple of minutes.
"Would you mind if I took a shower, Christian?" Anastasia just wants to wash the day off of her body. Maybe the hot water will help wash her pain away.
"Of course not. I'll grab you one of my t-shirts and a pair of my boxer briefs. You're staying here tonight." It's only 7:00 pm, but he feels like he could fall asleep right now.
She opens her mouth to dispute, but he puts his hand over her mouth. "It's not that I don't think you can deal with this yourself, it's that I don't know how well I'll do by myself. I need you close, Ana."
He needs her support tonight. There is no way she will be going anywhere, then. She wants to be his soft place to land, just as he is hers. "I'll stay."
Christian gives her a relieved smile. "Great. I'll grab you a change of clothes."
XxXxXx
Anastasia turns the water to hot and steps out of her clothes while it warms up. Testing the water, she feels that it burns a little, but she doesn't care. She climbs in and winces as the hot water pelts against her skin, turning it a deep pink. As she shuts the glass shower door, the shower begins to steam and she takes a deep, cleansing breath, stopping in the middle when the smell of Christian's body wash hits her nose. It makes her stomach flip and her center clench suddenly.
She takes another deep breath in through her nose and sighs. It smells of bergamot and amberwood...a deep, masculine smell that pierces her to the core. She would never admit it outloud, but the smell of a freshly showered Christian has always made her center liquify. There is something about the mixture of his pheromones and bodywash… she has always wanted to taste him in that sweet spot below his ear just to see if he tastes as good as he smells. How would his stubble feel against her tongue? Against her skin? Maybe even against her...Stop it, Steele! What the fuck are you thinking?
Since finding out about her condition, her feelings for Christian have grown...and unfortunately for her, they've grown beyond friendship. The night she found him on top of that woman was the night that her feelings came to light. He's being so lovely about this child situation and she tells herself that it's just a crush, that once she gets pregnant and they move forward the crush she has will fizzle out and she'll have her best friend back.
She knows she can't risk their solid relationship over some overactive hormones and a few butterflies in her stomach. She's been on a lot of medication and has put her body through a lot so, her hormone levels are still not back to normal. Christian is a very beautiful man. Of course she'd be attractive to his form. Any straight, undersexed female would. Maybe she needs to order a new toy for her bedroom.
There's a part of her that knows that she could be risking their solid relationship anyway. He's been putting so much effort into her and this IVF process that it might make him hate her to find out she can't do it anymore. All he wants is a child and her body is so fucked up that it won't allow the embryos to attach to her uterine wall. Something that all women should be able to do...and she can't even manage to do something so simple. He's going to be devastated when she tells him. This could ruin them forever. She's known this situation was a bad idea from the start. She should have said no from the beginning. At least that way, he'd be disappointed and upset with her for only a small time. Now...he'll hate her forever. She's led him on to believe that they could have a baby and got his hopes up and now she has to pull the rug out from under him. She's ruined everything.
She's lost everything and she'll never become a mother. She won't have Christian, won't have a family...all she'll have is her career. She'll just have to dive deep into her career and make it her life. Maybe, someday, she can open her own publishing house somewhere away from Seattle.
XxXxXx
Christian slips into pajama pants for the night and heads into the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine and some stemless wine glasses for them. Since she isn't pregnant or on hormone therapy at the moment, she deserves to drown her sorrows in some good wine. He'd really like some bourbon for himself, but he tries not to drink the heavy stuff during hard times. This is how people become alcoholics. He doesn't want to need it when life gets hard.
He carries the items back into the bedroom and places them on the nightstand, popping open the wine and pouring it into their glasses. He downs his first glass and refills it.
"Like this is any better, Grey." He shakes his head at himself. He might as well have grabbed a glass of bourbon. He steps away from the wine glasses and knocks on the bathroom door.
"Ana? I've got some wine out here for you." She's been in the bathroom for quite some time now. "Ana?"
When she doesn't answer, he listens hard and can hear her sobbing. His heart breaks for her. He grips the handle of the bathroom and turns it. It's unlocked. He freezes, wondering if he's overstepping a boundary, but when he hears another sob come from her, he decides he doesn't give a fuck.
Opening the door, he sees her form through the steamed glass sitting in the shower floor, sobbing into her knees. Her arms are wrapped around her legs and she's wrapped into a right ball under the running water. Oh, Ana…
He strides over quickly and pulls the shower door open, the steam escaping quickly. He kneels in front of her, pulling her to him so that he can console her. She startles and pushes him away while trying to keep herself covered.
"Christian! I'm-I'm na-na-naked!" She exclaims, trying to talk through her sobs.
He ignores her and pulls her body against hers, shielding her front with his own. Her naked body is pressed against his naked chest and he can feel her breasts against him, but it doesn't bother him. His dick doesn't even bother to stir. He's too worried about her.
"Christian…" She gives one last ditch effort to get him to leave, but her body betrays her and she slumps against him, letting him rock her back and forth.
"It's okay, Ana. It's okay. We'll just have to try again. I'm not going to give up so easily."
"I can't." She sobs into his neck.
"Why not? You can't give up, yet, Ana. It's only been a couple months."
Anastasia shakes her head. "I can't afford to do it anymore. My savings is empty. It's over, Christian. I'm so sorry. Please, don't hate me."
Christian begins to laugh at the ridiculousness of her statement and it's cathartic to laugh through the hurt.
She picks her head up to give him a scowl.
He knows he has to explain himself. "Ana… love, I'm a billionaire. Do you really think money is going to get in our way?" He wants to kick himself for not thinking about the money aspect of it, before. He'll have Andrea transfer money into Anastasia's savings account later.
"But...but, Christian...this is my problem… you shouldn't have to fund this."
He shakes his head and pushes her wet hair out of her face. "Ana...this is going to be our baby. We're in this together. Money will never be an issue with us, alright? I'll pay whatever I have to for us to have a child. I want this baby. I want it with you."
She sniffles and rests her head against his shoulder, feeling so much better. She was so buried in her sorrow, she didn't think that there could be a light at the end. Christian always makes everything better.
"So, are you up for trying again?" Christian asks, hopeful.
She smiles against his neck and nods. "Yea."
He presses a kiss to the top of her head. "That's my girl."
"Christian...you're all wet."
He looks down at his soaked pajama pants. "Eh, they'll dry." He reaches behind him and turns the shower stream off. "Stay here. I'll get you a towel."
She leans back, covering her breasts with her arm, and pulls her legs up and together to hide everything else while he grabs her a towel. He grabs two and wraps her in one, helping her stand and then wraps the other around his waist before slipping his pajama pants down, leaving them in a heap on the shower floor for Gail to deal with later.
XxXxXx
Anastasia gets a text message while at work the next day from her bank.
*A deposit of $50,000 has been made to account 1254786-00. To stop receiving text updates, text STOP to 232323*
She stares down at her phone wide-mouthed and confused. "What the fu- CHRISTIAN!"
Hopping out of her chair, she grabs her phone and handbag and storms out of her office.
"Hannah, I have to run down to Grey House. I'll be back soon. Call me if anything happens." Without waiting for a reply, she stomps down the hallway, out the front door, and down the street to Grey House. It's cloudy out, but luckily it isn't raining, because she was too angry at Christian to remember her jacket.
A man holds the door open to Grey House for her and she manages a quick thank you before storming to Christian's elevator and swiping her badge for it to open. The elevator ride is quick since she doesn't have to wait for anyone else to get on and by the time she gets up to his floor, she feels murderous.
"Hello, Ms. Steele." Andrea is as polite as ever, but Anastasia can't help, but give her a small scowl. Her strides stop and she makes a ninety-degree turn for Andrea.
"Andrea...did you deposit money into my account this morning?" Her tone is accusatory. She already knows the answer to this.
Andrea gives her a small smile. "Yes, Ms. Steele. I did."
The girl is actually finding this amusing!
"Andrea...do you remember what happened last time Christian tried to put money in my account?"
Andrea bites the inside of her cheek to keep from grinning. "How could I forget, Ms. Steele? It took Mr. Grey a month to grow his hair back."
Anastasia can't help, but crack a grin at her comment. "So, you don't think Christian will fall for the haircut trick again, do you?"
Andrea giggles. "No, Ms. Steele. I'd bet your fifty-thousand dollars that he won't."
"Damn." She might have to get creative.
"Mr. Grey is in his office." Andrea gives her a polite smile, but Anastasia knows that she finds their bickering entertaining. Very few people have the balls to stand up to Christian and Anastasia's sure that Andrea finds it refreshing.
Anastasia makes her way through his door and slams it behind her.
Christian looks up, unaffected by the loud noise. He knew she'd be coming.
"Christian Trevelyan Grey. What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
He places his pen down and folds his hands together on the desk calmly. "I'm not sure what you mean, Ana?"
Her eyes narrow at him. "You know exactly what I mean! Why the hell do you feel like it's your place to put money in my account? I can take care of myself, Christian! I'm a big girl."
Sighing, he pushes his chair away from his desk and stands. "If we're going to fight, let's at least get comfortable on the couch."
"I don't want to get comfortable on the couch! I want you to tell Andrea to undo it!"
"What is the big deal, Anastasia?"
"I don't want your money, Christian! You've already got me an unbelievably low rate on my apartment, bought me a car, and try to sneak gifts in every chance you get. I don't get why you feel the need to do this. I don't want your money." When is he going to get it through his thick skull that she doesn't give a flying fuck how much money he has?
"I know you don't...and I love that you don't want it. But, I like to spoil you, Ana."
She rolls her eyes. "I don't need to be spoiled, Christian."
"No one needs to be spoiled, love. I enjoy doing it."
"Christian...I don't want it. Please take it back."
"No, Ana. There's a reason why I put it in there."
She crosses her arms and taps her foot. "Go on, then."
He places his hands on her upper arms. "When we have our child, I don't want to have to worry if you've got enough in your account to buy the essentials for the two of you."
"But, Christian-"
"Please, Ana. Just leave it in your savings. If you don't use it, then fine, but please keep it there for emergencies at least. That's all I'm asking."
Her shoulders relax and her arms fall down to her sides. "You know you can't use the baby as an excuse to get your way all the time."
Christian gives Anastasia a cheeky grin. "We'll see."
She rolls her eyes and begins to turn away from him to leave.
"Where are you going?"
"Back to work, Christian. Some of us need to earn a living."
Infuriating woman. "Let's have lunch first. Then, I'll walk you back. I need some fresh air."
"No. I'm still mad at you."
"I don't give a fuck how mad you are at me. You need to eat. I'm taking you to lunch. It's your turn to pay." He hooks an arm around her neck and pulls her out of his office, shutting the door behind him.
XxXxXx
"Anastasia, I want to use the three remaining eggs we have for you."
Anastasia frowns. "So this is it?"
"Well, if none implant this round, we could always extract more eggs and continue this process. It's really your decision how you want to proceed from here."
Licking her lips, she sighs. "Let's just take this step by step. We'll decide what to do once I take a pregnancy test."
Dr. Evans gives her a sympathetic smile. "I understand, Anastasia. This is a long journey for some...and for a few, it seems to be never-ending. I want you to keep an open mind, though, okay? There is always the option of a surrogate."
"I know there is, but we won't be going that route. I think I'd rather adopt than pay a surrogate. I just really want to experience pregnancy first hand. I want to carry my own baby and bond with him or her while they're still in the womb. If I can't, then I don't think I could bear watching someone else do it for me." Anastasia's chin trembles at the thought of someone carrying her child. No. She couldn't.
"And that's okay, too, Anastasia. Every woman is different. You've got to do what's best for you. Let's just get these eggs placed today and we'll go from here, okay?"
XxXxXx
Christian's alarm clock goes off at 4:30 am and he stretches with a grin. Today is pregnancy test day again. This time, he's going to surprise Anastasia like she did to him the first round. Turning the alarm off, he jumps in the shower to clean himself and then throws on some sweats. He has enough time to go running before heading to Anastasia's on foot.
At fifteen minutes til six he finishes his run in the front of her apartment building. His run has been cathartic and he feels refreshed and optimistic. He feels so good, in fact, that he decides to take the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. By the time he gets to the eleventh floor, he's sucking in breath after breath, his lungs burning from all the stairs.
"Man, I really need to do more stepping." He realizes that his kickboxing and running hasn't prepared him for the flights of stairs. He thought he was in better shape than this.
Once he's breathing relatively normal, he lets himself in and chugs a bottle of water before heading in to wake his best friend. When he opens her bedroom door, he peeks in and sees that she's still sleeping peacefully.
He grins.
Not for long.
Slipping his shoes off, he makes a running leap and lands in the middle of the bed, making Anastasia bounce.
"WAKE UP!"
Anastasia screams.
"What-what the hell? What are you doing?" She rubs the sleep out of her eyes and relaxes against her pillows.
"It's pregnancy test day!"
She groans and rolls away from him, hiding in her pillow. "It's sleep time. Later, Grey."
"No. Now."
"Go away. Shoo." She waves him off with hand. "Come back later."
"Don't you have to piss? Your bladder is full. You've held it all night…" Christian grins.
Anastasia lays there, trying to ignore him, but his words make her realize she has to go. Sitting up, she scowls at him. "I hate you."
He feels victorious. "I'll get the stick."
"No, you don't." She gets up and pushes him out of the bathroom. "I'll do it. You wait here." She doesn't have a privacy door on her toilet like he does and she isn't about to let him watch her pee.
She finds the tests in her bathroom cabinet and grabs two before heading to the toilet. This has become her least favorite part of this whole situation. It is such a disappointment.
XxXxXx
When Christian hears the toilet flush and the bathroom sink kick on, he lets himself into the bathroom.
"Christian!" Anastasia admonishes him.
"I heard the sink!"
She rolls her eyes in true Ana-fashion and dries her hands.
"You wanted the tests so bad, you look at them. I don't want to know." She steps out of the bathroom and shuts the door behind her. She can't bear to look at it. She stands with her back to the door, wringing her hands, wanting this part to be over. She just knows it's going to be bad news...just like the last two months.
She hears the door to the bathroom creak open and she squeezes her eyes shut, her heart pounding hard enough in her chest for her to be able to hear it in her ears. She feels Christian's arms wrap around her and her chin trembles. It's negative. He's come to console her.
Christian's nose nuzzles the shell of her ear. "Congratulations, Mommy."
Anastasia's breath gets caught in her throat, her whole body going rigid. "Wha-what?" Surely, she heard him wrong. She turns in his arms and looks up at him, wide-eyed.
He beams down at her. "You heard me. You've officially joined the league of motherhood."
She screams and jumps up and down, squeezing him around his neck. "We're going to be parents? Are you sure!?"
Chuckling, he pulls her into the bathroom. "Come look."
Making her way to the counter, she looks down at the tests and sees that each of them show two lines. Two beautiful dark pink lines. She really is pregnant.
"Oh, God...oh, my goodness. It worked! It really worked! I'm going to be a mom...and you're-you're going to be a dad!"
Christian gives her a boyish grin. "Yea." He's so relieved and so ecstatic that it's finally happened. He pulls her back in his arms and kisses her forehead. "Thank you, Ana."
She looks up at him, teary-eyed. "Thank you, Christian."
"You're carrying my baby." He never wants to let her go. She's safe in his arms. He needs to keep her safe. He needs to contact Taylor.
Anastasia giggles. "I am."
Leaning down, he picks her up and carries her to her bedroom, depositing her back in bed. "You need to rest, love."
She sighs. "Christian, I've rested enough. It seems like we've spent the last three months moping around in bed. I'm pregnant now. Everything is fine."
"But you're newly pregnant. Anything can still happen. Just rest. Just for awhile. I'll rub your feet."
Her ears perk up. "You will?"
He chuckles and has a seat at the end of the bed. "Absolutely. You're carrying my child, Ana. I'm going to treat you like a queen."
She places her feet on his thighs and wiggles her toes. "Get to rubbing, then."
He rubs her feet and then her calves and when he's finished he crawls up the bed and lifts her shirt a little.
"Our child is in there."
Anastasia giggles. "Yep."
Christian presses a kiss to her stomach, right below her navel. His stubble is scratchy against her sensitive skin and his soft lips pressed so close to her center makes it liquify. He nuzzles into her stomach, then presses another kiss against it, and she does the best she can to keep her breathing even and unlabored.
She slips her fingers through his hair when he lays his cheek on her stomach. "I guess I should call Dr. Greene today to make an ultrasound appointment."
He grins against her stomach. "A-S-A-P." He needs the doctor to verify that Anastasia is truly pregnant. He wants to see the baby for himself.
She nods, agreeing. "Yes, asap."
I will get my Pinterest for this story updated later tonight.
Let me know if you'd like a teaser for Chapter 13.