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Chapter Six
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The morning of our fourth birthday dawned with a yelp, a crash, and a mad dash around the house as Daddy woke Kato and tickled him. I grabbed Daddy's leg just as they flowed out the front door. He was laughing like a potbellied great-uncle. He was still laughing when he tossed me off during the second lap around the village.
On the plus side, I'd finally broken him out of tickling me. Downside, I was twenty feet up in a tree.
Now I knew what would happen if I acted huffy while he was in a happy mood.
"Bluuuh," I said intelligently, hanging from my knees and rocking back and forth. I could hear everything from bird songs to rustling leaves to ninja feet from my new perch. I wanted to stay there forever.
Someone was nearby, though. I could hear soft breathing.
My leisurely view of the scenery didn't include a body, so I closed my eyes and tried to pinpoint the sound. In. Out. In. . . .
"You know you can't stay up there forever."
I huffed, annoyed that the speaker was concealed in the bushes instead of behind a tree. But now I had him. "You know that you're twenty feet to my right, and I don't care."
Efficient breathing hitched, then returned to its calculated pace. I'd surprised him. He ignored the change of subject and continued. "I would not expect you to last much longer than eight minutes."
Eight? Clearly he'd never hung on to Daddy for a lap around the village. Compared to that, a tree was perfect. In fact, that's why I had been tossed into one.
Mr. Bush probably didn't know my limits. I couldn't blame him. After all, he'd only met me once.
"Good guess," I said sardonically, before relaxing my legs and dropping like a stone.
Strong arms caught me. "Don't be so reckless!"
Dark eyes stared into mine in mild accusation. There was no sign of panic on his face, but his voice had told a different story. I relished that dismay. I could still hear it echoing through his heartbeat. It was better to focus on that than on my tiny spark of regret.
It was a cruel trick to play on an older brother.
He raised an eyebrow. "I thought you might be foolhardy."
Foolish.
"Crow-sama," I deflected, now absurdly practiced at ridding my mind of certain memories (and sounding insane, but toddlers get away with anything), "means you can fly."
He didn't miss a beat. "So you were trying to learn how?"
My cheeks took the censure at face value.
"Jumping out of a tree is a foolish way to prove your assumptions about a stranger."
I did not reply.
The only thing I legitimately knew about him was that his shirt had the Uchiha crest. Children my age weren't likely to listen to infatuated village girls, or to an ANBU who sometimes said too much.
Itachi set me gently on the ground, waiting for a response.
I blinked owlishly. "If I'm a stranger, you shouldn't talk to me. You don't even know my name."
Well, duh, his expression said flatly. Just like how I shouldn't know if he were a ninja of the Leaf or simply a bird-loving, Halloween-obsessed freak.
"Fine," I sniffed. "Don't talk to me, then. I'm sure an enemy would let his giant crow fly through the village. And catch me. Twice."
A slow, genuine smile crept onto his face. "I believe I have underestimated you, miss—?"
I kept wisely silent, for once. The prodigy caught on. "Ah, I beg your pardon. My name is Uchiha Itachi."
I didn't want to give him mine, even if he could easily find it out. My mouth opened, stalling instinctively. This time it went for more than the usual toddler drivel. "I drive men mad for love of me; easily beaten, never free."
Probably more than I should have said. Oh, well.
He raised an eyebrow again, but said nothing as I granted him a reluctant apology for my poor impersonation of a bird. He did say goodbye when I left, and he didn't follow me (this didn't stop me from being paranoid).
Eventually, I decided that I had been deemed responsible enough to walk home by myself.
So I did that.
Then I sat at the kitchen table and waited.
And waited.
Daddy and Kato charged through the back door with a gigantic ice cream cake. They usually came through a window when the front door was locked, but Daddy's hands were occupied with the cake. The cake that had four live candles. "You know what to do," said Daddy.
Those flames were . . . toast. Normal people ate toast for breakfast.
No one ever said we were normal. There was no such thing as normal.
It is, however, possible that I ate way too much ice cream. It's possible that I had way too much energy.
"Since when could you kids run up the walls?" Thud. Laughter.
"Good night, kiddos. Kato, my brave son." A kiss, then footsteps to the other sleeping body.
"Kana, go to sleep." Warm lips on my forehead, vibrating with a silent chuckle.
"Your hair is a mess, clever child."
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"Senpai."
I daresay I heard the visitor before Daddy even woke up. I was awake because my genetics were demanding that I work off the excess sugar in my body.
I was trying to force myself to sleep, but I suspected it might be a lost cause.
"Senpai," the person in the kitchen repeated.
Either this was his first time in our house, or he knew better than to interrupt a sleeping ninja in its natural habitat.
"What is it, Tenzō?"
The intruder shifted, proving his discomfort with his surroundings. "Team Ro has been assigned another mission."
Daddy got out of bed, running his fingers through his silver hair. Sometimes I wondered if he actually tried to straighten it. "It's about time. Is everyone available?"
"Usagi is attending a wedding in Water Country."
"She has relatives there?"
"No, but she wears an engagement ring when she's off-duty. I don't know, senpai."
Tenzō paused and changed the subject. "This isn't quite how I pictured your house."
"Heh," Daddy said sheepishly. "The twins certainly know how to create a mess. Would you like some ice cream? There's some left from yesterday."
Had I been awake, I might have bristled. My birthday!
Tenzō hesitated. "Shouldn't the twins—"
Daddy snorted. "They're in a sugar coma. I don't want a repeat performance."
He stepped over his children's personal minefield to fetch his teammate a spoon. "What's the mission?"
"Hokage said surveillance in Water."
"Watching Usagi's wedding? Thought Kiri didn't appreciate bloodline limits."
They certainly wouldn't enjoy Leaf ANBU poking around.
Tenzō shrugged. "I thought you didn't like kids and look how that turned—ow!"
"Whoops," Daddy said unrepentantly. "Wouldn't want to wake them up. I'm sure you've heard the stories running around ANBU."
Since when? The new babysitters always seemed to know our names in advance, but I hadn't considered us a horror story. Whatever. We were known to Konoha's elite fighting force? At least we hadn't been kidnapped by Danzō.
"Oh, I'm sure I could handle myself."
Tenzō's spoon scraped along the bottom of his bowl. Daddy had ripped himself off buying such a luxurious cake for two four-year-olds. We were too young to truly appreciate the thick chocolate and the strawberries slathered in dense fudge. I doubted that we would ever meet its equal again. Rest in pieces, beautiful, frozen cake. Pieces of delightful frozen heaven.
Okay, yeah, I'd eaten too much sugar.
Daddy treated his friend to the cool stare that accompanied his you-might-want-to-rethink-that-decision voice. "Is that so?"
"Sure," Tenzō chirped. "I figure I've got some good stories for them, such as that one time you dressed up as a girl to—"
Whack. Tenzō backed up, tripping over our minefield. "So, um. Tomorrow at daybreak. Three weeks, minimum. Good night, senpai!"
He beat a hasty retreat.
"Happy birthday," Daddy muttered after a while. "Well, I guess they won't be mastering that jutsu any time soon. Might as well pick up a few more."
Minutes later, I was the only one still awake.
Tenzō, Tenzō . . . something with plants? No, that can't be right. You can't fight with kudzu. . . .
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"You know, you can't stay in bed forever."
I jerked. I rubbed my eyes, adjusting to the bright morning light. Unfortunately, the view did not change.
"The answer is gold," my masked alarm clock said quietly.
Well, this was not what I'd expected to wake up to this morning. Daddy usually said goodbye to me in person. Someone else's face, covered as it might be, did not interest me. Especially not a new face. Well, passably new.
"I didn't think you'd be in ANBU," I sulked, "Uchiha-san."
"I did not realize you were Hatake-san's daughter," he replied.
"If you are hungry, your father left breakfast for you. He said that you and your brother may finish your birthday cake after lunch."
For a cold-hearted killer, Daddy was unfailingly thoughtful.
Itachi left the room. I listened as Kato asked why our new ANBU was so short.
I had not wanted him to know who I was.
Now he knew too much.
Why couldn't he have joined ANBU earlier? Maybe we could have stayed at the Naras'! At least they wouldn't wear masks all day. They're not exactly rule-followers.
"Ne," Itachi said from the living room, "you remind me of my little brother. I don't mind taking off my mask."
Well, at least there's no way I remind anyone of Sasuke. And on the bright side, I can't see him trying to poison us.
"Whoa! Can you teach me to stack kunai like that?"
So long as he doesn't lose patience with Kato.
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"I want to visit Grandfather."
"Who?"
"A tall building," I said. "He wears a red-and-white hat."
Itachi frowned. "Do you mean the Hokage?"
"Dark and light made shade," I grinned. It was a loose reference to Danzō's ROOT, but Itachi was used to the way I now rambled nonsense to make myself appear wiser. Most of it was genuinely ludicrous.
"The sky is cloudless," Itachi replied, making his own little private joke. Couldn't blame him for that—he was putting up with us remarkably well. "You will need an appointment to see him, with things the way they are right now."
"I just want to give him a hug."
Would Daddy entrust our safety to an unknown Uchiha? Did Daddy know Itachi? Had the Hokage really assigned a trainee ANBU to us? I would not find out, of course. But little children always found ways to question the laws that govern the universe.
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"Do you two like dango?"
Kato threw his tantō at me, nearly causing Itachi to flinch. Ideally, we were supposed to treat the training weapons like live steel. In practice, we knew perfectly well that we were holding wood. We didn't grab the blades while sparring. We had no qualms about scaring ANBU to death, though.
"We love dango!" Kato reported. The traitor seemed to view Itachi as a surrogate big sibling.
"Sure," I agreed, "but not strawberry, please."
"What's wrong with strawberry?" Itachi teased lightly.
It only mattered to me.
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Dark green eyes, reflected in the mirror. Permanent as always.
A face not nearly as pretty as Kakashi's. Normal.
And finally, white, flyaway hair. Decidedly not normal.
I'd managed my henge!
I don't know what the males thought when I walked out of the bathroom grinning like an idiot. There was nothing to see by that point. I was back to green eyes, my Hatake face, and messy orange hair.
And I was over the moon.
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Omake One, or
How to Get Suspended from ANBU
(set during age three)
It was a cushy job, he reflected, relaxing into the couch. No planning, no risk—B-rank pay. Hatake's kids were two of the quietest little tykes he'd seen—almost enough to encourage his asking that pretty Intelligence Division chūnin on a date. He considered it, picturing the blonde's inevitable blush and downcast, hesitant eyes. Pike had remarked once or twice (a week) that the chūnin had been doodling tiny piggies on her mission reports for a few months. Not that he listened. Yamanakas were a species in themselves, and he certainly . . . was thinking about one right now. He put his feet on the couch.
The girl's head whipped around immediately, eyes finding his. "Daddy says that's rude," she said softly, the first words she'd uttered since her original hello. She'd spent the last hour playing with her stuffed dog, marching it around the toy kunai her brother had left all over the floor.
Boar smiled at her. She wouldn't see it through the mask. "Your daddy's not here now, is he?"
The tiny girl—Wakimi?—petted her dog and held her gaze. "Okay," she said. If he didn't know better, he would think she was starting that awful female habit of keeping a list. She returned her attention to her manmade friend. She had messy red hair that practically attacked the murkiest green eyes he had ever seen. Other than that, she was pretty boring.
The other twin—Wakato, like that warlord's spy during that one samurai-stealing mission—was the more striking of the two. He was the spitting image of his father, mask included. Gravity-defying silver hair, dark eyes.
Both of them were wearing their father's shirts. That was the girl's fault—she hadn't wanted to get dressed, and though she hadn't personally forced the point, her brother had quickly agreed. Besides, dressing children was not the most appealing task. Hatake was paying for this mission, and he should be happy to find his children in one piece. Hardly surprising when the man wouldn't hire a genin team.
The girl threw her dog at her brother, earning a sleepy, startled yelp. "When is lunch, please, Boar-san?"
He was honestly impressed that she remembered his codename. It had been dark when he'd first entered their room. She had rolled over—or yawned—and he had explained how their father was on a mission and to go back to sleep.
"You're hungry?" he asked. It was barely noon.
Wakato's eyes narrowed in interest. "Lunch?"
"Soon," said Boar, wishing that Kakashi would come back. The twins exchanged glances. Neither complained. Yes, Boar was going to pay that Yamanaka a visit. He might even pay for their date with his easiest B-rank pay ever.
But then he got up to walk into the kitchen and promptly fell over a tripwire. "You fine?" the girl asked quickly, her voice trembling with concern. She wasn't the culprit. What kind of father left traps with his toddler children? Then again, this was the Hatake family. They were all motherless, wretched creatures.
"Yes, yes, I'm fine," said Boar, glancing around for more traps.
"But, Kana-chan—"
So help him, that had better have been Kakashi's trap. If the man's offspring—B-rank pay, that was the spirit. Quietest kids in the world. Date with Yamanaka Naoki. They couldn't possibly be worse than that orange-wearing menace, right? That blonde deserved to be more than an Academy student. With the runt's level of annoyance, he'd skip genin and go straight to Kage level. Boar shivered violently.
"You cold, Boar-san?"
He was imagining things. Yamanaka Naoki. Long blonde hair. Orange. Oh, forget it.
He tugged open the fridge.
Right.
The fridge.
Why was a dog sleeping in Hatake Kakashi's fridge?
And why was Hatake's son growling at the animal?
From the scraps of food in the dog's mouth, there wasn't likely to be a scavengable meal. Boar closed the refrigerator door. "I'm hungry," the boy whined.
"He's going to suffocate," threatened the girl. Green eyes locked with Boar's with a coldness more frigid than he'd seen from Kages. "He's Daddy's fastest messenger dog."
"It's a summon." Boar was the adult here. He did not have to listen to toddlers, and the dog did not have a message from Hatake. "Summons disperse when they become unconscious." Of course, individual contracts varied. Boar's own summons of paper wasps never returned to their world before their deaths.
There was a strange silence, broken by Kato's "Michi-kun ate the bacon?"
His sister's lips twitched. "We don't have bacon. Grandfather does. Daddy doesn't like pork."
"I want bacon, Kana-chan," the little boy decided.
The redhead—Kana, and it honestly shouldn't be hard to remember—turned to Boar. "Can we have cake?"
"Bacon cake!"
Only a B-ranked mission? His old genin team had had two motherly females, but he could not remember his senses going haywire on the endless babysitting missions. Perhaps that was why he was single and they had both settled into housewives. Their kids were half of the reason Boar had joined ANBU (the other half was his old teammates' matchmaking. After that one time with Morino's cousin . . .). He had never hated children. He had simply made a habit of avoiding them.
"Bacon comes from pigs!" Kana shouted, sticking out her tongue at her brother.
"With cake!"
The girl grinned maliciously. "Pigs come from cake!"
"With bacon!"
Her eyes sparkled. "Bacon is boar."
On second thought, perhaps the messenger summon ought to be awake. "Bacon-san?" Why that.
Little.
"Boar-san," the girl said after a long, dangerous silence, "Daddy says no Killer Intent in the house." Kato's lips were trembling through his mask, but as far as Boar was concerned, the children needed a lesson in fear. In respect. And a healthy dose of maturity. Boar increased the intimidation.
Kana watched.
Kato whimpered.
The next second, Boar flinched, concentration gone. Kana smiled sweetly and held her brother's hand.
Well . . . no wonder the males in this family had such pasty hair. And . . . had her hair been on fire?
How old was this kid again?
Why was it not a ninja, already?
How was it smiling?
"Bacon-san," it said. Boar twitched. "We're hungry." Kids weren't supposed to have Killer Intent, let alone spam it out.
Always assuming that these were children, and not a massive prank set up by Hatake's shadow clones. The idea was not impossible. Hatake was hailed by the ANBU as a genius prodigy and a man whose insouciance was only matched by his forte for petty revenge. The revenge knack itself was a controversial dispute. Some insisted it was part of how he always brought his teams back alive; most figured that the Copy Ninja needed living victims. As far as Boar cared, the only evidence of Hatake's children's existence was their father's noticeable absence from suicide missions.
"I want cake," Kato whined, earning a surprised glance from his sister. She hugged her toy dog closer to her chest—when had she retrieved it? She smiled into it.
"No cake," Boar decided harshly. "I am on a date right now, and I am not spoiling Hatake runts." His eye twitched. "Don't you laugh at me, you little habanero!"
The twins stared.
"Now, let me see what is left in your fridge, and if I find anything, you will be thankful and eat it." Two pairs of solemn eyes glued themselves to his hands. "Wake up, mutt—" The refrigerator was empty.
Boar whirled, catching a triumphant gleam in the girl's eye. "What did you do?" he said suspiciously.
She hesitated, looking at her stuffed animal. "Nothing." He was an ANBU. He knew lies when he heard them. He reached forward and snatched her dog, and she jerked and burst into tears. Kato yelped.
"What did you do," Boar repeated. She shook. Odd, because she had definitely come across as unshakable, like her father.
"Nothing!" the boy defended, getting in front of her. "Kana-chan doesn't lie."
That was a lie, Boar thought, noticing that he was crushing the toy in his hand. Well, good. Well, good. Well—
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"Bacon-san?" It was the miniature Kakashi, pausing his game of pick-up-kunai. Boar frowned.
"Where's your sister?"
The child seemed to shrink. "She's in the bafroom."
"When did I fall asleep?"
"Um. An hour ago? I'm hungry."
Boar raised an eyebrow, uncertain if the nap had been intentional. He smiled at Kakashi's small double, although the ANBU mask would hide it from the toddler. "All I have are a few ration bars, I'm afraid." He flipped one at Kato, pleased when the boy caught it.
By the time Kana peeked her head around the doorway, Boar was boiling rice and humming a cheerful, off-key tune. The redhead sat down beside her twin and joined his game. She was holding a red stuffed dog. Boar found her possessiveness cute, although he wondered why the toy was dripping.
"What are you making?" Kana asked eventually. Deep green eyes pored over the cabinets, blatantly curious.
"Rice balls," Boar replied. "You two were very well-behaved this morning, and fortunately Hayate-kun has the correct ingredients."
Kana's face went still, but Kato's mouth opened. "Who's Hayate-kun? Why would he put things in our house?"
"He's your father," Boar explained. "You call him daddy or father, but other people call him Hayate-kun or Kakashi-kun." Hm, now where was the salt hidden?
"Shush," one of the children hissed. Boar began whistling, moving on to shaping the rice. The children were completely silent.
He found them in their bedroom, whispering. "I'm done! Are you kids hungry?"
"Yes!" said Kato.
"Um," said Kana. "My tummy hurts, Boar-san."
Boar smiled at her, forgetting that his mask ruined the effect. "It's Bacon-san, sweetheart. Why don't you come into the kitchen? You're probably just hungry."
"Okay," she mumbled.
"Don't squeeze your doggie so much, sweetheart. You might hurt her."
"Him," she muttered as they all three trooped into the kitchen. Boar grabbed three of his beautiful creations. The group sat at the table.
"Dig in!"
Kato reached for his, accidentally knocking it to the floor. "Sowwy," he apologized adorably.
"Aww, that's okay. Bacon-san will grab you another. In fact, there. Now the tray's on the table."
Kato poked the new one dubiously.
Boar sighed. "Here, I'll take the first bite. See? Not so—" he coughed. And coughed. And— "Oh, hello, Hayate-kun."
The twins perked up at the sight of their father in his ANBU gear. Their father, however, stiffened. "What did you call me?"
"You'rrre not Hayyyate-kuuun?" Instantly, Boar was on the alert, forgoing his weapons pouch in favor of a more deadly weapon: rice balls. The second ANBU dodged effortlessly.
"Kana and Kato, what did you do?"
Kana hugged her dog. "He tried to poison us, Daddy."
That was the last thing Boar heard. Until he woke up in the hospital one week later to the sound of the Hokage's laughter. "It might be best for you to take a break, Bacon-kun. At least, until your colleagues forget about your S-rank mission."
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~Senpai: a senior member of an organization, often a reference to a mentor
~Kiri: how I'll be referring to the Village Hidden in the Mist
~Explanations for the extra: The summon woke up to a bunch of KI and left pretty quickly. Kana heard it leave. Kana collects the pills that various ANBU slip (hopefully as a joke) the twins in her stuffed dog, and Boar kind of squeezed them all. I overplayed it, but let's pretend. And as for the rice balls . . . not everything in Kakashi's house is edible. Edit: Kakashi is a Hatake, and not named Hayate. By the end of the short, Boar is calling himself Bacon. By all means, trust every word he says.
Hello again! I'm not dead yet! I managed to struggle through another semester, and I only got one B in my finals . . . which doesn't concern you, and I'm not proud of it. I am tremendously pleased to be home, and I am tremendously grateful for all the reviews. They tell me what you guys like, and they inspire me to write said content. (But when you guys say you like the humor . . . what humor? All I see is sarcasm. Which is completely serious. Absolutely.)
In my personal opinion, kudzu would take down any opponent.
Would you guys like me to put up a poll? It could be for a sensei, or potential pairings, or something similar. Just a thought—and I do value your opinions and ideas—to an extent. 3:)
You're all wonderful people!
Chapter edited 2/16/21 for general cohesiveness.