Reliability

By: Aviantei

7—Classroom II

The horizon, vast and stretching outward, lets us see the future

Megumi turned a page in her basketball instruction manual while shoveling rice into her mouth with the other. In the interest of not losing any time, she had stayed in the classroom for lunch. Her bento sat on one corner of the desk, the book she was reading from propped up by the others she had bought the evening before. Off to the side were the first-string basketball members' basic data pages, along with her notebook setting open, pencil at the ready in case she needed to jot down something important.

Leaning the member's names was a simple memorization game, so she only needed to review them on a regular basis to let the information stick in her long term memory. The rulebooks, on the other hand, required time to study in the first place, and even Megumi couldn't read fast enough. She was still on the first volume, but without practice that afternoon she had blocked out most of her evening to at least get through that, if not start on the second.

She had been so preoccupied with her studies she didn't even notice the figure above her until they cleared their throat.

"Megumi."

That referral could come from one sole person, and Megumi snapped to attention in her seat. Her chopsticks clattered from her hands, empty, but she didn't dare to pick them up. Instead she focused on Akashi above her, the first time they had spoken since their introductions at the first practice.

"Can I help you with something?" She couldn't decide whether to call him Captain or Akashi-kun—which was more appropriate for outside of practice? Did it matter? Would he be upset if she gave the wrong answer?—so she left the referral off. Curiosity kept her nerves steady, considering Akashi had already left the classroom once again at the beginning of the lunch period.

Akashi's mismatched eyes flicked over her desk, and Megumi's cheeks flushed. She had been hoping not to let him know her incompetence with their club material, but she couldn't waste any time to study, either. That's why she had chosen lunchtime since the redheaded boy would be gone.

"You didn't even know the basics before you decided to join," he stated, not even phrasing it as a question to be polite. Megumi's mortification grew, her eyes shooting down to her desk in shame. She wanted to run away, but Akashi's sheer presence stopped her from the retreat. "I already told you I will not accept ineptitude. Being part of the team requires proper contribution."

"I'm trying," she snapped, glaring up at her captain. Anger rolled in her guts and clenched her fists into her skirt. "If you've just come to berate me, I'd rather you go away so I can do something useful with my time."

The words flew out of her mouth before she could stop them, and by the time she finished speaking, mortification stood as the sole emotion at attention. She was scared of Akashi, scared of his presence, scared of his influence over her current situation when all she wanted to do was stand on her own. But even beyond that, something about him made her angry, like he was prodding wounds she couldn't stand to have exposed on anything but her own terms.

He's right. I'm inept and I can't contribute to anything. I'm unsuited and unprepared for this.

So why do I want to fight him?

"I came because Yamada asked me to send you to her office," Akashi said, not even bothering to give the counselor a term of respect. Megumi couldn't tell why Akashi had been chosen—because he was part of the same club as her now? It didn't matter. The hurdle of entering Yamada's territory again set just another obstacle in her path. "There's still time left in the lunch period, but you should head down soon. You wouldn't want to be late for class again."

Megumi fumed at the reminder, but she focused on tidying up her desk instead. Her empty bento was closed, her reference books tucked into her bag, the papers and notebook back in her desk. Megumi kept her thermos in hand as she stood up, not wanting to get another dose of Yamada's bitter tea.

"Thank you for letting me know, Akashi-kun," she said, keeping her tone as polite and even as she could muster. She didn't have the courage to drop all respect the way Akashi did, but she at the least wouldn't refer to him by the respectful title of Captain—not when he was like this. Megumi dipped a small bow in his direction as she stood and headed for the door. "I'll be sure to be back in time for lessons."

Holding her breath, Megumi managed to make it out of the classroom without wavering.

Getting to the bathroom first before breaking down into a panic attack was a different story.

Megumi wiped her eyes, dried off her face with a paper towel, and headed down to Yamada's office. She hated crying in general, and she hated crying in public more. The lunch hour meant many other girls had come in and out of the restroom, but Megumi had secluded herself in one of the stalls without attracting attention. If nothing else, she knew how to keep her crying quiet.

Five minutes later than she would have liked (but also much, much sooner than she would have preferred at all), Yamada-sensei ushered Megumi into her office with enthusiasm. It seemed the woman was feeling perky today. In comparison to Choukou's eccentric behavior, Megumi felt she could handle this without a sweat.

"Do sit down," Yamada urged, and Megumi took her seat across the desk as if she had a choice in the matter. "Tea?" Megumi shook her thermos with an apologetic smile, and the counselor nodded before pouring a cup for herself. "I'm sorry for not getting in touch with you earlier in the week. Lots of third years have been asking for advice and recommendations lately, so my schedule's been a bit tight." Megumi couldn't be surprised at how early everyone was acting. She had heard many of the third years on the team, Higuchi included, chatting about practice exams and cram schools. "But, that doesn't change your good news, either. Congratulations on your club membership, Kaizuto-san."

Yamada smiled in a way that made her neat lipstick shine. Megumi allowed herself a small smile of her own and said, "Thank you."

Yamada nodded, sipping at her drink. Megumi unscrewed the lid of her thermos to keep herself busy. At the very least, it didn't seem like the woman had noticed she'd been crying before coming to the meeting, but Megumi didn't want to betray any signs of nervousness if she could help it.

I'm strong and calm. I can handle this.

She didn't feel the words, but she had to say them.

"Well since you've succeeded in finding a club, I figured we'd talk about the next step," Yamada continued. Megumi had been content to let the woman get her spiel out, but now she just wanted to groan. Were they going to do this the whole school year? Her schedule was tight enough with the extra studying for her manager position—frequent counseling sessions would just eat up more time. "Have you been getting along with anyone? I understand that several Basketball Club members are in your class."

Megumi racked her memory, but most first years were still in the lower strings. She hadn't gotten that far in the members list yet. That added another task to her mental checklist, though there was one name she didn't need to learn. Speaking of… "Is that why you sent Akashi-kun to ask me to come here?" she ventured.

"Oh, Akashi-kun is on the team, I hadn't considered that." Yamada paused for a moment as if to add the information to her memory. Megumi wasn't sure how someone could forget a first year that had become captain of his team already. Maybe she had been overreacting? "I managed to catch sight of him and figured he'd be able to find you since he is your boys' class representative."

"A-ah." That information had slipped past Megumi. She had been too nervous in the first week of school to pay attention to much more than her lessons, let alone the representative selection. Just how much does he have on his plate? Does that boy even have time to breathe?

Maybe, Megumi considered, if he didn't stress himself out all the time, he would be able to learn how to be a decent person.

Realizing continuing to talk about Akashi would pull the conversation into a disadvantageous territory for her, Megumi pulled back to Yamada's initial question. "I did manage to meet some people when I was looking for a club. Yoshida Choukou and Kenta?" Yamada took in the names and nodded in recognition. "We've been talking a bit and they're really considerate of…me." She hadn't explained to them her condition, but they acted in a way to keep her comfortable. She felt bad about making them go out of their way, but their presence was so relaxing she didn't have the consideration to complain. "They've been helpful with helping me adjust to being in a club."

"Ah, that's wonderful." Yamada seemed to have calmed down a bit, though she still look pleased. Megumi sipped at her sweet tea from home. She didn't want to get too comfortable in this place, but it wasn't good for her to be so on edge all the time. "Since you are making friends, I'll let things take their natural course and not pry too much. Instead, I had something else I wanted to talk to you about."

"And t-that is?" Megumi failed to ask without stutter.

"As your mother agreed to when you enrolled, your previous counselor sent me your files." Yamada had tried to deliver the words with as much gentle compassion as possible, but Megumi still felt like she had been kicked in the gut. Being a minor, there wasn't much she could do about it from a legal standpoint—and it had been the only way to ease her mother's worries about sending Megumi away for school.

That didn't mean she had liked it. It had just been a necessary sacrifice.

Megumi went to tug her sleeves over her wrists before she remembered she was wearing her summer uniform. It took a lot more effort than she would have liked to check over her pale arms without making it obvious.

Yamada kept an even and sympathetic gaze as she continued. "I have to say, I'm impressed at the amount of progress you made in just a year of counseling," she said, retrieving a file from the side of the desk. Megumi noticed the kanji for her name at the top and looked down. She didn't want to see, didn't want the reminder. "I know APD is a difficult disorder to live with, but you've made good strides in becoming more social. I'm proud of you for taking the steps you have."

Still counting the threads in her uniform skirt, Megumi nodded.

"I'd like to help you further, but I think seeing a more specialized counselor would do you wonders," Yamada said. "I understand it's scary to start over with a new counselor, but the travel time is a bit much for you to go back home. I know you put a lot of effort into your studies, but have you taken the time to look for a new counselor in the area?"

Megumi considered lying—because she did not want to be having this conversation, least of all with Yamada-sensei—but there would be no point. The woman would want to see more files and get in contact, things that Megumi had no way of faking. So she admitted that she hadn't.

"It's expensive even with insurance, and it's hard enough supporting me in a separate home," Megumi said at a near whisper. "Okaa-san supports us on her own. Onee-sama's in university, but Onii-sama's still at home since he went to high school closer." A high school Megumi had refused to even test for. She hated putting the extra burden on her mother, but it was all she could have done to keep herself together.

"I see." Yamada propped her chin aloft a hand, not so much as smudging her foundation. For someone who hadn't ever gotten the chance to use makeup, Megumi still admired those who could. "I know you're a dedicated girl, so normally I would suggest working yourself. But we don't permit part-time jobs here, unless there are strenuous circumstances."

In a school that prioritized the performance of its students, part-time jobs were considered a distraction to studies. Even if it had been allowed, the thought of getting into the work environment was too much for Megumi to handle, regardless of her improvements. Most jobs people her age could get involved interacting with a number of strangers.

Megumi shuddered in her seat and tried to think of less intimidating things. His words still burning into her mind, Akashi sprung to the forefront, which didn't help.

Yamada watched Megumi for a few more careful moments. "Well, I can provide the basics, so don't worry about the money." As if that could encompass all of Megumi's concerns. "Right now, you're at a marked improvement above most people with the same amount of counseling. Unless you start to feel a major relapse, I should be able to help and keep you moving towards your goals. Have you felt any drawbacks to your old self lately?"

Now this, Megumi could lie about this. "I still get overwhelmed at times," she said, starting with part of the truth. She knew Yamada couldn't help unless Megumi was truthful, but, for all the woman's good intentions, Megumi didn't trust her yet. Being here still made her afraid, made her feel the same as middle school and even before that. "I've gotten better at controlling the impulse to run, but I still need to step back sometimes."

Except for when she had escaped from Choukou's presence the first time. And her eyes still stung from crying in the restroom.

"But Choukou-san and Yoshida-senpai have helped," she said, making sure to control the conversation in a positive direction. "I can relax around them. Not entirely, but enough."

Yamada nodded, glancing back to Megumi's file but not adding anything to it. Megumi had no idea how to read the counselor's mind, and that made her more scared than anything. "And how do you feel with the Boys' Basketball Club?"

Megumi couldn't control her grimace. Akashi terrified and enraged her all at once, Mibuchi-senpai still hadn't talked to her other than the occasional request for more water or towels, and Higuchi, while he seemed to take her outburst the day before well, still seemed unsure of how to handle her.

But those weren't the kind of things Yamada could help with.

"While I'm there, I can focus on the work, so it's easy not to get overwhelmed by everybody." Though she would have to learn to speak to them as a team soon, Higuchi could handle that for now. "Higuchi-senpai's still working out a regimen for me. I…still don't know a lot about basketball, so I've got a lot to learn."

Not to mention her study time had been interrupted. But as much as Megumi wanted to ask to get back to the classroom to get back to work, the words faltered before even reaching her tongue.

You're getting selfish, Megumi.

"That all sounds good to me, but I'm just an outside party." Yamada-sensei smoothed out her hair and leaned forward. "How do you feel about your progress, Kaizuto-san? Is it where you want to be?"

The question threw her off. She had thought about the answer a number of times, but speaking it out loud was a different matter. She had come to Rakuzan because she had wanted to become a new her; she had told Yamada as much in their first meeting. Had she changed? She still felt useless and unimportant, still felt like she was struggling to become someone stronger, someone reliable, like she had told Higuchi.

She wasn't there. But she was fighting to get there. And that was something she would have never tried before.

"Not yet," she said, but for once, Megumi didn't feel sorry for herself. Yamada sipped at her tea again, allowing Megumi to continue. "I'm nowhere close to who I want to be." She pictured Akashi's confidence, Higuchi's dedication, Choukou's outgoingness, and even Kenta's kindness. I don't think I'll ever be able to become all those things, no matter what. "But…I think I'm trying. And piece by piece I'll get better, so…um…"

Her words faltered, as did the confidence that had fueled them. What little motivation she had was limited.

Yoshida nodded, folding her hands on the desk. She had gotten a new manicure since the last time Megumi had seen her, her nails now a pale pule.

Like the sky.

"You're right, Kaizuto-san," Yamada agreed. "You are trying and you're taking steps. As for your social activity, I think you should focus on your club duties for now, and the rest will come. And do be sure to keep up with Yoshida-san and Yoshida-kun, alright?" Megumi nodded. If anything, Choukou's constant onslaught of mails would keep her from being alone. "As for the person you want to become, you should set goals, just like we did here. That starts with knowing the final outcome and taking it in steps. Do you have an image of yourself in mind?"

Without hesitation, Megumi declared, "I want to become reliable."

"In what ways?"

It was a strange feeling, being able to define what she wanted for herself. Before, she had never gotten the chance. But here, she could try.

"I want to be a good friend for Choukou-san and Yoshida-senpai. I want to be a skilled manager for the basketball club, like Higuchi-senpai."

And I want to have Akashi-kun recognize that I'm more than a charity case.

Yoshida gave another of her reassuring smiles. This time, it did help Megumi feel better. "Well, you're determined, so I think you'll manage just fine." For once, it sounded like confidence in Megumi herself instead of the blanket expectations placed over the whole of the Rakuzan student body. "I don't want to take up too much of your lunch, so feel free to head back to class. I'll check in with you in a few weeks, but feel free to come to me if you need anything."

"Thank you, I'll keep that in mind," Megumi said, even though she wouldn't.

"That's that, then." Yoshida turned back to her desk, and Megumi stood, anxious to get back to her classroom. There was still some time left, and she could maybe finish the chapter she was on before class started. She was halfway to the door when Yoshida called out, "Just a minute."

Megumi turned to see the woman holding out a business card. "I know money is an issue you can't overcome, but please keep alternative counseling in mind," the woman said. "I have some colleagues that would be able to help you. This is just in case you're in a position where I can't help you."

Not knowing what else to do, Megumi took the card and tucked it in her pocket.

She used it as a bookmark so no one else could see and didn't even bother to read it after she went home.

[Author's Notes]

Greetings, everyone! It's been a bit longer than I intended. Over a year, hm... Well, the good news is that the new chapter is here (and several more will be following)!

Thanks incredibly much to rheascarlet, kinbarii. tan, cappie14, 030artastic, curlystruggle, Might Empress, Sekelumit Kata, a, Krista294, Kal1995, FateSavage, and Queen3mma for your respective faves, follows, and reviews! Megumi's story is one I love a lot, so I'm glad you're all enjoying it as well. I look forward to your continued support!

But, yes, updates. Last year I had the realization that...I have a crap ton of unfinished stories floating around, and that I should probably make some effort to finish them sometimes soon. As such, I've been working on preparing updates for everything and letting them eek out into the world. It is now time for the Reliability chapters I've stockpiled to take the stage!

What this means for you guys is weekly updates for a month or so coming up. After that I'll have worked my way through the queue, so we'll be on a break again, but I figured this spurt of chapters is the least I can do for your lovely support on this story.

Also, this week is the start of the new [Twelve Shots of Summer] season! That's twelve weeks of one shots from a handful of really great authors. If you happen to see a one shot with the [Twelve Shots of Summer] tag on it, I very much recommend reading. And, hey, maybe swing by the forum and consider joining yourself.

Phew, that's all for me here. Next chapter will go live next Saturday! Please look forward to it!

-Aviantei

[05.28.2018]