Chapter 23: Clash of the Scoobies

HP-BTVS-HP-BTVS

"Well," Xander said, clapping then rubbing his hands together, "that's going to be fun to explain."

"Won't it though," Joyce said fondly, as she stroked the vampire's hair.

"Let's get him to the 'house'," Xander said reluctantly. He still wasn't sure if he wanted the man to have that kind of access, but he trusted Joyce, so on they went.

Sal lifted the wounded vampire with a spell and floated him down the hall, walking to the left. Nicolas was on the right and waving his wand to keep… vitals. Or something. Joyce led the way. When they got there, she raised her eyebrow at Xander, who sighed.

"Spike, I invite you in," he said with great reluctance. He knew it would work on the unconscious vampire. They had done it a few times in his old world.

Joyce beamed at him and led the way to the room they had created for the blond. It was a newly created the basement away from the rest of the family.

At least it was a nice basement, not like it had looked in Joyce's old house. It was just like a bedroom, with plastered walls, cream carpet, and a window, which looked over the lake. The 'basement', itself, was on the fifth floor, two floors below the 'house'. Magic made it so it was only a step through a door in the kitchen to get in, but you had to climb stairs to get out, giving Spike time to yell at the door as he was wont to do.

The door at the top of the stairs led to the 'house' and that was the only way out, besides the window. There were no locks on the door, from the outside, but Spike could lock people out if he chose. Not that it mattered much in the realm of magic, but it was the thought that counted.

Sal floated him down and laid him on the bed. Nic checked his spell, shrugged, like he wasn't sure it was working, but the vampire wasn't dust, so he removed it. The vampires in this reality didn't turn to dust, but Joyce and Xander said this one would if he was 'dead'.

There was movement behind the eyelids. The two men moved back.

"He's coming too," Nic said, waving to the prone man.

"Great," both Joyce and Xander said, albeit in different tones. The one Xander used made Joyce glare at the man.

Spike's head turned towards Xander. He opened his eyes then blinked. He closed his eyes, took an unneeded breath, and then opened them again. "Lovely, first I get heaven, now I'm in hell," he mumbled then sighed again. "Harris, what happened? One minute, I'm fighting a right nasty bugger, now I'm here," he asked, sitting up and patting his pockets for a smoke.

"Ask her," Xander said, waving to Joyce.

"Oh no you don't, mister," Joyce said, wagging her finger at him. "You're the one who had the idea. I just provided the transportation." She folded her arms across her chest and glared at Xander.

"Joyce?" Spike said, turning her way. "I thought it was a dream," he added with a confused smile. "You're dead." There was longing in that tone.

"No, no dream. Different reality," she assured him softly, taking his hand to show it was real. "I was dead, but I've been 'alive' here for centuries."

"Seems about right, wot with you two being here. Last I heard you were missing, Harris. And Joyce, we thought you died. How have you been 'alive' for so long? I know you're not a vamp. We missed you greatly, and Buffy went through a bit of a rough time, yeah," his still confused voice said with a bit of chastisement. Like it was mean of her to put her daughter through that.

"I know, I did die, I was just offered a chance to be reborn here. It was a good thing I did, or some things might not have happened the way they should have," she offered as an explanation. "Then I made a wish, and here I am, the living embodiment of this building."

"Made a wish, did you? I guess, I can see that, wish demons being what they are," he thoughtfully stated. "Still, would have been nice to know you survived, such as it is." He finished his search for smokes, pulled one out of the pack and went to light it up.

"Not in the castle. Especially, not in my house," Xander said, snatching it away. "You can puff away outside, but inside, no smoking." He crushed the cigarette in his hand and then vanished it.

"Bloody tyrant," Spike grumbled, putting his pack away. "When did you get mojo, anyway?"

"Joyce gave me magic. Here, I got you these. They'll fix your oral fixation," Xander said, reaching into his pocket and pulling something out. Then handed him what looked like lollipops.

"Wot are these?" the vampire said, taking the red lollies and scrutinizing them.

"They're Blood Pops, made especially for vampires. As far as I know they are made with real blood. You can have as many as you want, but no smoking around the kids. This is a school, you know," the Head of Security stated, folding his arms across his chest, looking menacing.

"Bloody buggering hell. You brought me to a school? With little, tiny rug-rats running amuck, and such?" the vampire demanded, falling back on the bed, like it would save him.

"No," disagreed Joyce, "they're all over eleven. And I will have you know, my kids are well behaved, mostly," she said with a bit of pride. The children had been very polite this year. She still felt they were a bit afraid of Xander's temper. Especially, after seeing him running around with an axe.

"Weren't baby Slayers enough for you, Harris?" the blond man asked the man he never really liked.

"Hey, I didn't ask to come here. I was drafted," Xander protested, pointing accusingly at Joyce.

"You were needed," corrected Joyce, giving him a look.

"Fun as this all is, we need to check your friend," Sal said, moving to do just that. He pulled out his wand, which made Spike leery.

"He's not my friend," Xander grumbled again. Oh yeah, now that Spike was awake, it brought back all the reasons he couldn't stand the vampire in the first place. Still, he might be a great asset, if only they could tolerate each other.

"Wot, are you goin' to do with that?" he asked, a bit of fear in his tone. Not that he'd ever own up to it. Still, no vampire he knew would let anyone with a pointy stick near him. He didn't think they'd bring him here just to kill him, but with Harris you never knew.

"I'm going to do some magic on you to see if you'll… live, or are healthy, or whatever," the man answered, waving his wand to do just that, only for Spike to dodge the spell by sitting up.

"Mojo," Spike sneered in disgust, and a bit of fear. Magic never worked well around Harris, and he didn't want to turn into a newt. Or worse, fall in love with the jerk.

He still had nightmares on Dru's tangent when she came out of that spell. Something about kittens being naughty. If she had been talking about stringing him up, he'd have been all for it. No, she was talking about turning bloody Harris and keeping him as a toy. The last thing he wanted, at that time, was for Dru to have a new toy.

Not only that, but dreams of Sweet still haunted him as well. If it hadn't been for that King of Hell, the singing and dancing demon, he might have never gone through the damaged relationship he had with Buffy. That was Xander's fault too.

"Don't worry, Spike, it's completely normal in this reality," Joyce assured him, patting his arm, breaking him from his thoughts.

"It's a pointy stick. Don't see myself getting used to that," he countered, pushing himself up off the bed, to the opposite side of Sal. "I've spent over a hundred years avoiding them," he stated.

"Oh, yeah," Xander said with great glee. "They do look like mini stakes," he expounded. "Is Spikey Wikey afraid of a wittle stick?" he teased, watching Spike move further away from Sal.

"Sod off, Harris. I'd like to see how you'd react to something that can kill you. Asshat," Spike exclaimed, trying not to show that he was indeed wary.

"Boys," Joyce chastised, grabbing Spike's arm to hold him still.

"Wot? He is an asshat," the vampire stated, tugging at his arm. He didn't want to hurt Joyce, but he wasn't letting that stick near him if he could help it.

"What? He started it," Xander said at the same time, still with his ridiculous grin. He was enjoying watching Spike squirm.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake," Sal said as he once more cast and missed. "Hold still, you bloody fool."

"Not on your life, wanker!" Spike yelled, avoiding another spell.

"If you don't let us do this, something might be wrong and we won't know until you… die, or whatever vampires like you do," Sal said, chasing the vampire around the room.

"Goody, a big brother," came an airy voice from the doorway, complemented with the clapping of hands.

All the adults spun around and saw Luna standing there.

"Luna, honey, what are you doing here?" Xander asked as he rushed to her side as if to protect her. He knew Spike wouldn't hurt her, but the man was still a vampire, soul, or no soul.

"I wanted to meet my big brother," she said airily as she sidestepped him and went towards Spike.

"I'm not your brother," the vampire stated, looking at the girl with a dreamy expression. "I was an only child," he added on as an afterthought.

"He's so not your brother," Xander agreed, with a nod of his head. "I only have one son." He wasn't going to claim Spike, of all people, as family.

"Don't be silly. You'll be my brother, like you were Dawn's," she said upon reaching him. She was just about to lay a hand on his arm when she was tugged away by Xander. "Phooey," she said, turning towards her father figure and giving him the cutest little glare.

"How did you get here?" Xander asked, pulling her further away.

"I winked here. Just like Harry does," came the 'of course' answer. "The nargles told me I was needed," she said, slipping around Xander again.

"You're a bit mad, aren't you?" Spike asked, looking at her like she was off, but interesting.

"I'm afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usually are," was her reply.

"You're a bit of alright," the vampire laughed.

"What did I miss?" Xander asked, still pulling her gently away.

"It's from a book. Not that you've ever read one," came Spike's acerbic comeback.

"Hey, I read," was the defensive answer.

"Yeah, but it's not like you understand," the vampire stated as if it were fact. "You don't have Red around to tell you what the big words mean," he taunted.

"Look, you bleached…" was as far as Xander got, when Joyce waved her hand and separated the two.

"That's quite enough from you two. Is it really too much to ask that you get along?" she inquired, exasperated.

Xander nodded, since he was silenced, and Spike just glared.

"Spikey, you really need to let Uncle Sal check you," Luna said from Spike's side. "I feel there's something you need to know. Do it, for me?" she asked with big puppy dog eyes.

"Fine, right, let the man point the sharp stick at my heart," the blond grumbled as he sat on the bed. He took one of the Blood Pops, unwrapped it and popped it in his mouth. He groaned a bit at the taste of human blood. It had been so long.

Sal stated, "Finally," and waved his wand. The test came back that there was something off, but they didn't know if it was because the test was for the vampires here or if there was something really wrong.

"It's just something Joyce Mum gave him," Luna stated, petting Spikes arm, making him look at her queerly again.

"Ah, right, Spike, since you already have metaphysical strength and such, I didn't want to give you magic, so I've given you the sunlight," Joyce said proudly. "You won't burn in the sun. You can't stay out indefinitely, but you do have about two or three hours to frolic as you will." She smiled at the look of pure astonishment that came over the hundred and thirty-year-old vampire.

"The sun," whispered Spike, his eyes drifting to the window.

"Rule time!" Xander exclaimed, wanting to keep Spike here for the moment.

"Yes, we'd better get those out of the way," Joyce concurred.

"Rules, I don't follow sodding rules," the vampire stated, folding his arms, though his eyes still drifted towards the window, which showed a lovely view of the sun setting over the lake.

"You're going to want to hear these, Spikey," Luna said, still petting his arm like it was a kitten.

Spike sighed and waved them to go on. He wasn't sure how to take this girl, she was like a partially sane Dru.

"Rule one; stay out of the castle during the day. Since you sleep during that time, you can do that here, or pick a spot in the house," Xander started, ticking off on his index finger, and hoping for the former.

"Rule two; no killing or turning anyone. If you turn a magical, you're giving them power they don't need. If that person is a bad guy, you might just start a war. There's a Dark Lord going to be running around soon, and we don't want him to have extra power," Luna said the second rule. "Not only that, we have spells that will dust you faster than a stake," she added, without her usual airiness.

The bit about the Dark Lord, made the others pay attention, they'd have to ask her what she knew later.

"Rule three; no feeding from the populace. There's potions here for that, and I can guarantee that they are better than pig's blood," Joyce took up the count with a reassuring smile.

"Lastly," Xander said, holding up four fingers, "we'll give you jobs, for which you will be paid. These are mostly scare tactics, stuff like you used to do during your chip days."

"Sounds fair, bit of blood or dosh, and I'll scare anyone you want," Spike said, standing and going towards the window. "Oh, and more of these lollies," he added, taking the one he'd been sucking on out and holding it up, then promptly put it back in his mouth.

He then looked out the window and seeing a balcony directly below, he braced his hand on the sill and vaulted. He'd be back, but he was going to enjoy the pressie that Joyce had given him.

"Well, that went well," Xander said, looking at the running vampire. It looked like he was going to go skinny dipping in the lake. He turned away, right as Spike shucked his pants.

"Better than I expected," Joyce said, watching Spike swim in the water. It wasn't hard to see him; he was so pale and was in complete contrast to the dark water. Like a white fish swimming about.

"Everything will be fine," Luna said with authority.

"Don't think for one moment you aren't in trouble, young lady," Xander said, turning to his pseudo daughter, making sure she stayed far from the window and the view of the naked vampire.

"Phooey," was all she said.

"Tell us about the Dark Lord," Sal said, settling in to listen.

"He's going to try and come back in a few years. If things go the way the nargles tell me, then we are going to be fighting a war," Luna said, her eyes drifting to half mass.

"Do you know how he comes back?" Nicolas asked, leaning forward a bit.

"No, all I know is that it involves Harry," she said, looking at her Xander Dad with serious eyes.

"Not on my watch," the man said, then stopped the questioning by raising a hand. "You need to go home and write this down. Maybe you should start keeping a diary, that way you can just show us," he suggested.

"Okay, Xander Dad," she said, then winked home.

Hpbtvshpbtvs

Xander, Joyce, Sal and Nic all sat and drank hot cocoa. They were waiting for Spike to come back from his dip in the lake, so they could let him know what they wanted him to do first. Sal and Nic were going over the potions they would need to give the vampire and how different they might be from the normal ones. They would have to scan him to make sure that the normal would be effective. Still, it was an easy task, but the differences might be jarring if caught unawares.

Spike came back after his swim, hair slicked back like normal and fully clothed now. He came through the window, plopped himself on the bed, tucked his hands behind the back of his head, and looked at all the magicals and said, "Why'd cha bring me here?"

"Like Luna said, there's going to be a Dark Lord running around soon, and while you don't have to deal with him, I need some help keeping his minions in line," Xander answered, a serious expression on his face. With that bombshell out of the way, he could focus on the here and now.

"Kept in line how?" the vampire wanted to know. Not that he minded roughing people up, he just wanted to know the limits to such a… venture.

"In any way you choose, short of killing. Just don't let me hear about you getting caught doing illegal things," was the answer.

"Oi, I don't do illegal things… anymore. Well, not many… might be best you give me the laws and such. That way I know what not to get caught at," Spike said, thinking of all the mayhem he could do. He hoisted himself off the bed and grabbed an empty chair. Might as well pay attention. Who knows what he might miss if he was too comfy?

"I'll get them to you, Spike," Joyce said, patting his arm and smiling at him. It was good to see him healthy and whole.

"I wanted to add one more rule," Xander said, thinking of something that he hadn't wanted to mention in front of Luna.

"Wot, more rules? Give it up, Harris, I don't follow rules. At least not ones I don't like," the blond said, taking out another lolly and popping it in his mouth. They were a yummy treat. Too bad they hadn't had these back home. Would have made a fine snack. Dru would have loved these.

"This one Joyce will agree with me on," the carpenter stated. "No seducing the students. I don't care if they are of age, everyone here is jailbait as far as you're concerned."

"I concur," said Joyce and Salazar.

"I don't want another drama unfolding," Xander added pointedly.

"It's not my fault I'm Love's bitch," Spike grumbled around his sucker. He still couldn't believe the major mess his and Buffy's 'relationship' was. Love's bitch indeed.

"Still, keep it in your pants while at the castle. Go molest those who can deal with you. Leave the students alone," Xander demanded. "Not that you'll be seeing them much, but there are teens that wander the halls at night. It'll be part of your job to make sure they get back to their dorms. You'll be given the same power as our caretaker, Filch, he can give detention and remove points – I'll explain later. Just don't seduce them," he explained.

"I'm not a sodding nanny," Spike protested.

"Don't worry, Spike, you only have to make sure they get to the dorm, tell one of us, or a teacher, and it's out of your hands. Besides, you'll like Argus," Joyce said, with a beaming smile. "He likes to talk about torture too," she added like she was giving him a present.

"Yeah, you two can bond over that," Sal added, leaning forward a bit in his chair, to relieve his back from sitting so long. "Fun as this all is, I've got things to do. Like make your potions. So, I'd like to run a scan on you," he added, stretching a bit.

"Why?" came the wary reply.

"To make sure we're giving the right potions. We don't want you keeling over due to the wrong stuff," was the answer.

"You gonna point that funny stick at me again?" Spike wanted to know. Realizing he'd have to get used to that from now on.

"Only for a moment," Sal said, getting up and retrieving his wand from his inner pocket. "Stand over there, if it makes you feel better." He waved to a corner behind Spike's chair.

"Fine," the blond huffed, heaving himself out of his chair and standing a good ways away.

Sal waved his wand and got the information he needed. He then pocketed it and turned to Nic and nodded. "Now that we know… Spike is okay, I'm off to make his potion. Nic, do you want to join me. We can get Perenelle on the way," he asked as he looked at his friend. They had been waiting far too long for the vampire, in his opinion. Not that anyone asked for it. A thousand years old, and he still got no respect. Sure, he slept for most of it, but really.

"Sure, I'm sure she's just as bored as we are. You would think that with a vampire there would have been more excitement. Oh well," the French man said as he got up to join his new friend.

"Sod off," Spike said, flipping them the bird, as he flopped down in his chair again.

"See, now that's more like it," Sal said with a grin and a return gesture. With that the two left the room.

"The first job I want you to do, is to cause chaos for one Lucius Malfoy. He's been a thorn in my side since day one. So, do what you can to make his life hell," Xander said after his friends had left.

"Wot kind of torture are we talking about here?" came the wary question.

"I don't know, that's your department. Seduce his wife or something. You guys look similar enough you could pass as a long lost relative. Do both, call it a pureblood thing. You figure it out, just make sure you cause political and mental damage. If you can hurt him financially, that would be great too. Just think of something," Xander exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.

"Might be a bit of fun, that. So, wot's the pay?"

"Well, we can pay you in regular money and the wizarding money. The equivalent to 1,000 pounds. That'll get you things you need, smokes, Blood Pops, and clothes and stuff," Joyce said, thinking of all the things Xander needed when he came here. Not that Xander smoked, but his Twinkies were pricey. Well, when he and Harry didn't wink over to the states to get them, they were.

"'Sright, I don't have anything but the clothes on me back. Should have thought of those things before you brought me here, Harris." He directed the comment toward Xander.

"I did, which is why you'll be paid. I made this room for you, dammit. Be grateful," Xander snapped back.

"Who made this room?" Joyce asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I built the furniture and stuff," mumbled Xander, looking at the wall and not at her.

"No, you magicked the furniture," she rebutted.

"It was still made with my hands," he argued back.

"Fun as this is, seeing Xander brought to task and all, is this room where I'll kip? I mean, while I'm not doing your dirty work," Spike said, cutting in on their banter.

"Yes, you can sleep here, or anywhere you want. We made this room so you would have a safe haven. You don't have to stay, but I would really prefer it if you would," the embodiment of Hogwarts said, with a gentle smile.

"Not like I've got anywhere else to go," the vampire grumbled as he crumpled under her smile. He always was a sucker for mum types.

"I'll have Hagrid show you around," Joyce said, beaming at his compliance. "You can meet Argus tonight and get a lay of the castle. You don't have to start on your projects until your more comfortable around here." She got up and patted him on the shoulder as she passed his chair.

Xander got up too and said, "Yeah, comfortable. Just don't kill anything unless you ask first. Wait, don't ask Hagrid, he thinks anything is cute and fluffy. Anyway, there's a three-headed dog, a basilisk, a dragon, a werewolf, and a few ghosts running around. I thought you'd like to know that. You know, so you don't get scared or anything." He smirked at the vampire.

"I don't sodding get scared, Harris," Spike snarled at him, getting up and following Joyce, who was making her way to the stairs.

"The school is mostly empty right now, so you have free run of the place," she said as she climbed the stairs.

"It's bloody big," he said, having seen it when he went swimming. "Gonna need a month to get it all straight," Spike complained, following along. When he got to the top of the stairs, he looked around in shock. It was Buffy's old home. He wasn't sure how he felt about that, there weren't many good memories attached to this place.

"Welcome home, Spike," Joyce said, sliding her arm over his shoulder, and giving it a squeeze.

'Maybe, it'll be alright,' he thought, returning the hug.

Hpbtvshpbtvs

Luna made it home, pouting. Harry, who had been waiting for her, startled at her sudden appearance.

"So, what's he like?" the boy asked as he escorted her to a chair. He took the opposite one and leaned forward and took her hand. She liked it when they touched. It kept her grounded, and Harry knew that.

"He's different," she said, thinking on what she saw in her mind's eye. "Spike has never been a normal vampire, even in his own world. He's the only vampire that could love," she added, letting go of his hand and calling Dobby.

The little elf popped in and said, "Dobby is needed?"

"Yes, Dobby, can I have a glass of lemonade?" she asked politely.

"Dobby can do," the little guy said, snapping his fingers. A tray appeared with biscuits and two glasses of the drink.

"Thanks, Dobby," they both said, reaching for the glasses.

"It is not being a problem," Dobby answered and then popped away.

"Well, tell me what he looks like?" Harry inquired, hoping to get a feel for the man… vampire.

"He looks like Billy Idol," she said, staring at a spot on the wall.

"Really?" he asked, then paused. "How do you know what Billy Idol looks like. Is he a wizard?" came the confused question.

"Who is Billy Idol?" she asked instead of answered.

"A non-magical rock star," Harry said, more confused than ever.

"Oh, I only know the name because Mummy Joyce and Daddy Xander were talking about him," she stated, clearing up the confusion.

"Oh well, that makes sense," was the relieved reply.

"You could also say he looks like Draco Malfoy's big brother," she added with a giggle.

"That's the last image I need," Harry groaned, putting his face in his hands, causing her to giggle harder.

"We should go to bed," Luna said, standing up and wandering to the stairs.

"Why?"

"Daddy Xander is going to be home soon, and he'll want time to think about things," she answered, heading towards her room. Harry followed and then gave her a quick hug goodnight.

He then went to his room and wondered just how much trouble a vampire could be.