Loving you is the scariest thing I've ever done, Buffy.

...I don't know why.

Dr Overheiser smooths a bandage over Riley's chest, breathing out with relief.

"All patched up." He smiles. He clears away the bloody scalpels and leaves Buffy and Riley to each other, feeling a wash of calm to be out of Buffy's unblinking gaze.

Buffy's fingers trail over the edge of his bandage.

"How's it goin' in there?" She smiles, going for sweet concern. But the smile takes an extra effort to pull together.

Riley nods back, sitting up stiffly.

"Good. Back to normal."

There are dark circles around his eyes. She can practically taste the tension between them now, pressing between them like a sickly ball of anger. She swallows it down and leans her head on his chest, listening to his heart beating underneath the bandage.

She sighs, momentary relief easing the tension.

"Yep."

He strokes her hair and she leans back away from his chest, taking his bruised and still bloody hand in hers, pulling his hand to her heart.

"And see... I'm still touchable."

Her eyes gloss a little from unshed tears. His fingers brush her skin and a part of her wants to thrust the hand back. Scream at him, rail against him as she wanted to in the caves.

Am I really going to be bitter about that now? After everything? He nearly died and I still want to-

To what? Cry? Scream? What's the point!? He thinks I'm some super woman, out of his reach? Punishes me for something that wasn't my choice-

She bites her cheeks, trying to still the selfish stream of anger inside her head.

Riley squeezes her hand, mistaking her inner turmoil for concern.

"Give me a week or so to heal, and I'll take full advantage of that fact."

She blinks back up at him, and nods with exhaustion.

I need to not be here. If i'm here for one single second longer I'm going to break apart.

One more second and I'm going to scream.

"Are you gonna be okay? 'Cause I should really go check on my mom."

Riley looks up at her, a momentary look of stunned hurt flickers across his face.

"Yeah. Yeah, go ahead. I'll be fine."

Buffy smiles back at him, pulling her hand out of his.

"I'll talk to you later."

She lies a kiss on his lips but pulls away before he can properly kiss her back, and slips out of the room without a glance back.

"I'm more powerful than I've ever been, Buffy. Most people would kill to feel this way!"

"Yeah. And this feeling. Is going. To kill you! Riley, your body was not built for this kind of strength-"

"I can handle it. This is my deal, Buffy, just... back off."

Buffy walks out of the hospital. She's forgot her jacket but she's so wrapped up in her own head that she can't even feel the night air's chill.

-Something wrong with me. That's what it always comes back to. Every time! Something wrong with BUFFY! Too weak for Angel. Too mortal. Too naive for Parker. And now too strong for Riley. It's never enough. Whatever's inside me it's never ever enough! I think I've found someone I can trust and surprise surprise it falls apart because of me. Because I'm not what they want-

Her feet pound the pavement and she fingers the stake in her back pocket, pulling it out and gripping it hard in her fist. Feeling the grain near splintering underneath her clenched fingers, rubbing a thumb over the wood as their fight plays on in her head.

"I go back... let the government get whimsical with my innards again..." Riley stands panting against the cave walls, beads of sweat rolling off him. "They could do anything that-... best-case scenario, they turn me into Joe Normal, just...Just another guy."

His face is a cast of misery.

"And that's not enough for you?" Buffy asks, trying desperately to scrabble at the sense underneath his words.

"It's not enough for you."

She bites down her shock.

"Why would you say that?"

"Come on. Your last boyfriend wasn't exactly a civilian."

-God that stung. That really really stung. No one's ever going to let me live that down. Falling in love that hard... any normal girl would have her friends to wallow about it with. Not me. Not Slayer Buffy. I get it rubbed in my face daily, like it was the biggest mistake I ever made.-

Like it was my fault.-

"So that's what this is about? You're going to die, all over some mucho pissing contest."

Riley shakes his head, like she's some guileless idiot. Some naive little kid.

-Why do I always manage to dig out jerks who think they're misogynistic bullshit is the height of intelligence!?-

"It's not about him." Riley continues, "it's about us. You're getting stronger every day, more powerful. I can't touch you. Every day, you're just ... a little further out of my reach."

-Stronger every day?! I'm not getting stronger at all! I've been this way for YEARS. I've had this curse around me FOR. YEARS. I just stopped HIDING IT! I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU ENOUGH NOT TO HIDE ANYMORE! I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE POINT!-

Tears fill Buffy's eyes as she dwells on his words. She angrily wipes the tears away. She's walked out passed the hospital now, through downtown, sucking cold night air down into her lungs as the horrendous evening spins round and round in her head.

"You wanna touch me?! I'm right here. I'm not the one running away!"

"Not yet."

-Oh I'm pretty sure I've been here before. Act like you're leaving because I was always going to leave you first, right? You're just getting the inevitable out the way!? God that gets SO. FUCKING. OLD-

"So you have this all figured out? I'm bailing because you're not in the super club."

"It's human nature."

"Don't Psych 101 me. Not now. Not after everything that... Nobody has ever known me the way you do. Nobody. I've opened up to you in ways that I've never opened up to... God, you're just sitting back there thinking that none of this means anything to me!"

"I never said that-"

"-Because it obviously doesn't mean anything to you. Do you really think so little of me-"

"-Buffy-"

"NO! No! Do you think that I spent the last year with you because you had super powers? If that's what I wanted, then I'd be dating Spike."

A harsh hollow laugh chokes her, tears biting at her cheeks that she can't wipe them away fast enough.

I'd be dating Spike. How fucking ridiculous would that be. To find someone that could take the super strength and not point at it as my biggest flaw. That could understand my Slayer-ness as well as I do. God, BETTER even.

I saw him with Dru. Hundred's of years he spent at the nutcase's side. Looking after her. Taking care of her. Helping heal when she needed it. Saving her when she needed it. Being her equal when she needed it. Fucking ride or die when she needed it!

LOYAL. Unbelievably loyal! Why is that so RARE! WHY DON'T I GET LOYAL!? Why don't I get EQUAL?! I MEAN HOW HARD IS THAT?!

I just get idiots who leave, and say they're leaving for my own good, that really it's what I wanted all along, but they're only doing it for themselves! EVERY FUCKING TIME.

Soft wet grass squelches under her boots and she realizes she's stormed all the way passed her house and down into the cemetery.

The stake in her hand has started to chaff her skin, and she's itching to drive it into something. Anything.

God what I wouldn't do for some release from this. All of this.

She stops, freezing. Out of the dark Spike's crypt has materialized in front of her tear blurred eyes. And a fresh wave of fury hits her.