Beca swallowed the lump in her throat as she watched Thea set twelve candles in a large circle, her hands wringing together as she tried to shake the feeling of dread in her stomach. The last thing Beca wanted was to have to revisit pretty much all of the worst moments in her life, but she also knew that she had to do something, anything to get past this wall that she'd built up. Because she wanted Chloe, she needed Chloe in her life again in the way that she had been in the beginning before it all got so fucked up. So she'd do it, she would find a way to clear herself of the ghosts that haunted her. It had been two hundred years, Beca was long overdue some closure.
"You okay?"
Beca was dragged from her thoughts by Thea who smiled kindly at her.
"You can still change your mind Beca, we don't have to do this."
"No, I'm good." Beca forced a smile as she clenched and unclenched her hands to try and stop them shaking, "It's just not exactly an evening of fun ahead of me is it?"
"No." Thea chuckled softly, "But you can stop at anytime, just give me the word and we'll stop."
"Thanks." Beca's shoulders relaxed a little, "Seriously Thea. Thanks for this, you didn't have to do this for me."
"Please." Thea waved her hand dismissively, "You are as much my daughter as Stacie is. Now c'mon, sit in the centre of this circle and we'll get started if you're ready?"
Beca swallowed the lump in her throat as she nodded softly. It warmed her heart that Thea thought of her as her daughter, she had certainly come to see her as something of a surrogate mother figure (despite the fact that Beca was technically a lot older than her). She stepped into the circle of candles and sat with her legs crossed underneath her facing Thea. Beca's hands were shaking a little as she tugged at the sleeves of her jacket, suddenly feeling very vulnerable.
"So um… how does this work?"
"When I start the spell you're going to close your eyes and cast your mind back to the night Evie died. Or Celia, or Harper, wherever it is you want to start. The memory will play out up until the point she dies and after that you'll be able to talk to her." Thea was smiling warmly, her worn leather bound book of spells set in front of her as she sat opposite Beca outside of the circle.
"So pretty much magical time travel then?" Beca smirked, hands clenching and unclenching as she tried to contain her nerves, "Does… does it have to be that memory? Can it not be literally anything else?"
"No Beca, I'm sorry." Thea sighed softly, "In order to speak to them it has to be at the moment that their souls left their body and that… that requires you to relive their deaths."
"Shit." Beca mumbled, running a trembling hand through her hair, "Well then… I guess that's we're doing."
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Thea asked again, not wanting to put Beca through what was sure to be a very traumatic night if she wasn't absolutely certain it was what she wanted.
"Yeah." Beca nodded, a determined light in her eyes, "Yeah I am. Let's do it."
"Okay." Thea grinned at her, "Now I've made the circle bigger than it needs to be because… y'know fire, but try not to freak out and knock them over okay?"
"Oh great." Beca grumbled, but there was a good natured smirk on her face, "Because this situation needed to get even more tense."
Thea simply chuckled at her, waving her hand and igniting the candles. Beca flinched involuntarily as they did but remained otherwise still, hands clasped in her lap.
"Alright Beca, take a deep breath." Thea placed her hands on the floor in front of the circle that Beca sat in.
"I don't need to breathe y'know?" Beca raised her eyebrow.
"Is this my spell or yours?" Thea teased her, Beca holding her hands up in conciliation, "It'll help calm you a little. So. Deep Breath."
Beca did as she was told, Thea nodding approvingly as she flexed her fingers a little.
"Here we go."
Beca closed her eyes, feeling her whole body tingle as Thea began to chant softly. It was Latin, Beca only able to pick out a few phrases, but that didn't matter. Thea's chanting was soon drowned out by a whooshing sound in her ears and as Beca's eyes fluttered open she found herself in the last place on earth she ever wanted to be again.
"Fuck…" Beca's voice was as shaky as her hands as she tried to swallow the lump forming in her throat.
She knew she had to watch this play out but it was far from something she wanted. Beca licked her dry lips as she pulled her knees to her chest, nostrils flaring and tears burning the corners of her eyes, watching on as she was powerless once again to do anything to stop Evie's death at her hands.
"Evie?" Beca's voice was a hushed whisper as her hands fell from her face, the stormy blue of her eyes glittering with the tears that flowed not out of anger anymore but out of fear and sorrow, "No Evie no…"
Beca scrambled forward towards her friend on her knees, pulling her into her lap as she fought back against the monster inside her who howled at the scent of blood that filled the air. Evie fought for breath as she felt her life ebbing away from her, head resting against Beca's chest as she swallowed hard, trying to hold on as long as physically possible.
"Evie I- I'm so sorry…" Beca shook her head, sorry seeming like such a pathetic and useless word after what she'd done, "I- I didn't mean to… tell me how to fix this, tell me how to save you please… I'll do anything…"
"It's okay…" Evie smiled weakly, every word a strain as she looked up at Beca, "I told you… I know- you. I know you didn't- do this. You're the- sweetest, kindest person- I know. Whatever they did- to you… they can't- change that."
"I love you…" Beca sobbed, pulling Evie closer as she shook her head, "I can't lose you… you're the only one who came looking for me. Evie please don't leave me, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
"I love you- too." Evie lifted her hand to cup Beca's cheek, feeling her grip on consciousness slipping away from her with every strained breath, "This is not- your fault. I will never- leave you. Not for a- moment. I am- right here…" Evie's hand moved from Beca's cheek to rest over her heart, "Whether it's beating- or not… I live- right here."
"Don't. Don't you dare say goodbye to me." Beca shook her head bitterly as she moved Evie's hair from her face, "You're not allowed to leave me okay? Please Evie… I'm sorry… help me fix this, please."
"You can help- help by- getting out of here. Don't let them- take away- who you are- my love. You're stronger- than them. Run, fight, whatever it- takes. Just go- live your life. Go- find happiness- somewhere- anywhere. Don't let this- them- change- the woman I- fell in love- with." Evie's eyelids fluttered shut as her hand slid from where it rested against Beca's chest.
"No. No Evie please!" Beca sobbed loudly, shaking her friend desperately, "No you can't do this! Please I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry! Evie don't leave me! EVIE!"
Beca pressed her hands over her ears, eyes squeezing shut as hot tears ran down her cheeks. The sound of her own desperate scream bounced around her head. She hated this, she didn't want to have to relive this. God Evie… not again.
"Beca?"
Beca's head whipped up from where it had rested on her knees, eyes wide in shock as they met the dark, soulful eyes of the first woman she had ever loved.
"Beca is that really you?"
Evie's smile was broad and tearful as Beca pushed herself shakily to her feet. Somehow, despite the fact that Thea had said she'd be able to talk to her, Beca hadn't quite expected this.
"Evie?"
Beca gasped softly as Evie's body hit hers, Evie having run to her and pulled her into a tight embrace.
"I knew it. I knew I'd see you again, I just knew it."
Beca came to her senses and wrapped her arms around Evie, starting to sob as she buried her face in her shoulder. Evie was embracing her like she used to and Beca didn't understand why. After everything she'd done to her, why was she embracing her like this? But right now, that didn't matter to Beca; however brief this moment would be, she was able to hold Evie again.
"I'm sorry." Beca whispered against her shoulder, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
Evie gently shushed her, stroking her hair as she held Beca as tight as she could, "It's not your fault Beca. You didn't do this. It's okay."
"It's not okay." Beca shook her head, "It's not because I killed you Evie, that's not okay. It's never okay."
"Oh Beca." Evie hummed softly, "My Beca… you're okay. It wasn't you that killed me, I know that and so do you. Please my love, forgive yourself."
"It's not just you though is it?" Beca mumbled, dropping to her knees as her forehead rested against Evie's stomach, tears making her voice hoarse, "It wasn't just you…"
Evie pursed her lips as she slowly ran her fingers through Beca's hair, tears making her eyes glisten. Her poor Beca, twisted into a killer for a split second before returning to live with the consequences. Just how long had Beca had to live with this?
"Beca listen to me…" Evie knelt too, cupping Beca's face in her hands and waiting until Beca met her gaze, her heart breaking as she saw the pain in her stormy blue eyes, "This is not your fault, none of it. It is a desperately sad and cruel situation, but none of it happened because of anything you did wrong. I love you, I have always loved you and I'd hate to think that you were spending your life blaming yourself and being alone and miserable. Please don't do that to yourself, you deserve more than that, far more my love."
"Do I?" Beca sniffed, "Even after what I did?"
"You didn't do it." Evie brushed the last of Beca's tears away with her thumb, "You have to know that Beca… this wasn't your fault."
"Okay." Beca mumbled, letting herself slump a little against Evie as she sniffed again, "I-I guess you have a point… Gail does have form for making people turn against their loved ones…"
Evie held Beca close, pressing a gentle kiss into the crown of her head, "I never blamed you Beca. Not for a second."
"I'll never understand why…" Beca sighed softly, "Even if I am grateful for it. Maybe… I dunno maybe it's love right? It just makes you… blind I guess? Or more sympathetic maybe?"
"Sounds like you're talking from experience." Evie smiled softly, "Who is she?"
Beca snorted as she shook her head a little, "Dude it's too weird to talk about Chloe with the you, even if there is two hundred years between you."
"That's- that's such a long time Beca…" Evie frowned softly, "Have you really been carrying this for that long? Have you been more or less alone that entire time?"
Beca shrugged a little, "I was running from Gail, from Chicago, from all of them, I didn't really notice that I was carrying it until recently. And… yeah. It has been lonely, crushingly so sometimes… but not always… not anymore."
A soft smile tugged at Beca's lips, "I've got a family now… a proper family Evie. I've never been less alone and I love it. I didn't think I would but I do. I- I'm happy now. Almost anyway… I just wish sometimes that I could have been happy with you… that- that it didn't take all of this shit for me to be happy y'know?"
"We weren't meant to be Beca." Evie shook her head sadly, "Not now, not in this lifetime. I am beyond pleased that you're happy now, but I wish that you hadn't been hurt anymore… I hate that you were hurt more than this."
"Yeah I'm not a fan of it either…" Beca smirked a little as Evie giggled at her. God she'd missed that sound.
"So… Chloe huh?" Evie grinned at Beca after a pause, "That's a beautiful name… I take it that it belongs to an equally beautiful woman."
Beca blushed as she shook her head a little, biting her lip, "You have no idea… god it's so weird talking about this with you… I mean, I wanted to that's why I did this… spell thing. But that doesn't mean that it's not really freaking weird y'know?"
"I do." Evie nodded, releasing Beca from her embrace as she pulled back and leant against the wall behind her, "But it's also nice. To be able to talk to you at all again."
"Yeah…" Beca grinned, "Yeah it is. I still miss you y'know? Even after all this time, even after falling in love with other people… I still miss you."
"That's okay." Evie leaned back against the wall too, her fingers lacing with Beca's, "Just as long as it doesn't stop you being happy."
"I think… I think it was." Beca mumbled, gaze dropping from Evie's, "I think it is… until Chloe everyone just felt… I don't know, not wrong but… just not right either. Which almost makes it all worse, they were murdered for loving me, for being near me and I didn't love them properly to begin with? What does that make me?"
"Oh Beca…" Evie sighed softly, "You have to stop blaming yourself for other people's suffering. You have always been like this, taking on so much pain for everyone else. I don't know what happened to you since… since I died but I know you. I know who you are fundamentally, you can't have changed that much, not even in two hundred years."
Beca scoffed, "You always did think you knew everything…" There was a teasing smile on Beca's face as she looked up at Evie again.
"Well prove me wrong then." There was a challenging glint to Evie's eyes as met Beca's gaze, "Show me what I've missed in your life and if it turns out you're the big evil monster you seem to think you are then I'll concede to that."
"S-sure." Beca's voice shook a little as a lump began to form in her throat again, "I mean… are you sure you want to see this? Hell, I don't really want to see this, it's only because I-I want some closure at long last. You don't have to do it with me."
"I want to." Evie smiled softly, moving Beca's hair from her eyes, "You don't have to do things that scare you alone Beca, not even something like this."
"Thanks." Beca wiped at her cheeks again with her sleeve, leaning against Evie, "For- for doing this with me and… for not blaming me I guess? Even though I blame me, it um… it means a lot that you don't."
"You don't have to thank me for that Beca. Of course I don't blame you." Evie squeezed Beca's hand, "So what do we need to do?"
"Uh… I'm pretty sure I just… cast my mind back to the next memory I have to see I guess?" Beca shrugged, "Y'know just… think about it and we'll be there."
"That's pretty cool." Evie grinned, "Even if it's going to be sad and painful, this magic thing is kinda cool."
"Oh trust me." Beca laughed affectionately, "You have no idea. Just…" Vulnerability clouded her expression as she squeezed Evie's hand tight in hers, "This is going to be really awful Evie, you can't even imagine. Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yes." Evie nodded firmly, "I've got you Beca. Let's do this."
"Okay…" Beca swallowed again before letting her eyes flutter shut, "Here we go."
Beca gripped Evie's hand for dear life as the area around them shifted, the lump in her throat threateningly large as an icy ball of dread settled in her stomach. The white walls, the faint smell of the sea, the silk linens… Beca knew this room. She didn't want to be in this room. Not again.
"Where are we?" Evie's voice was soft as her thumb stroked over the back of her hand.
"Um… Marseilles in the South of France." Beca clenched her jaw tightly, "After- after I ran from Gail the night you died I went straight to the port and hid on a boat bound for Europe. We ended up in Brittany and then I just… high-tailed it across the country until I got to Marseilles. And that…" Beca shook her head a little as tears welled in the corner of her eyes, "That's where I met Celia."
"Was she the first?" Evie's tone was as kind as it was soft, "Since me?"
"Yeah." Beca sniffed a little, "It was… I want to say 1883? I didn't mean to fall in love, I didn't mean to… to date anyone but one flash of those green eyes and that blonde hair and I…" Beca chuckled ruefully, "I was hooked. I still loved you, I ached for you but Celia? She made it a little less painful to miss you. And then they found me… they found me and…"
Beca was crying again, lips pursed into a thin line as Evie rested her head on her shoulder in a vain attempt to soothe her as she felt her tremble against her.
"Um… I guess you'll see. Just… if it's too much then- then just close your eyes and I'll cover your ears or something… you don't have to see this."
"Celia?"
Beca called into the darkness of the room, something odd settling into the pit of her stomach. Something was off here. Celia always had candles lit, always had the room looking warm when she arrived… where was she?
"Beca!"
Beca spun on her heel, heart in her mouth as her name was screamed through the darkness, laced with fear. As her eyes found Celia her mouth went dry, the little colour in her face draining completely.
How… how had they found her?
"Hello little one." Gail smirked at Beca, draped over the chaise lounge near the bed she and Celia shared. Celia herself was held tight in Chicago's arms, her arms trapped by her side in his grip, his hand around her throat, "Did you miss me?"
"Stop." Beca gasped out, hands trembling as the memory halted there.
"Beca?" Evie frowned deeply as she turned to her, "Are you okay?"
"Do you need to stop Beca?"
Thea's voice echoed around them, Evie only looking more confused as it did.
"No." Beca shook her head, "I just- I need a minute… seeing them again I- I just need a minute-"
"Of course. Take your time."
Beca's forehead rested against her knees as her whole body shook with the effort of trying not to fall apart. The visceral fear she felt at seeing Gail and Chicago had been far more intense than she had expected. Beca was having a hard time reconciling the fact that they couldn't hurt her anymore with just how vivid and real these images of them were.
"You are completely safe Beca. They cannot hurt you anymore, I promise. This is just a memory, just a series of images, nothing more."
"Just a memory." Beca repeated with a mumble, Evie's hand gently stroking her hair as Thea's voice continued to soothe her, "Just a memory…"
"Are you okay Beca?" Evie whispered, her forehead pressed against Beca's temple.
"Yeah…" Beca nodded as she slowly lifted her head, sniffing softly, "Yeah I'm okay. It's just not easy, seeing them again and not running or having to fight… they're dead now, they're gone and yet they still terrify me to my core."
"It's okay." Evie smiled softly, "It's understandable. They're the reason for all of this… of course they still frighten you. But whoever that is, is right. They can't hurt you anymore."
"That's Thea." A soft grin broke out across Beca's face, "She's helping me. She- she's kind of amazing. And a better mom to me than mine ever was."
"And you expect people to buy you're a badass vampire?"
Beca blushed a little and rolled her eyes, "Hey, are you watching all of this?"
"Of course! What did you expect me to do, sit here and twiddle my thumbs whilst you have some kind of emotional epiphany?"
"Fair point." Beca chuckled, "Just…"
"Don't worry. What happens in the circle stays in the circle, unless you tell me otherwise."
"Thanks." Beca had an emotional smile on her face as she took Evie's hand in hers again, gripping it tight, "Okay. Let's do this."
"H-how…" Beca croaked out, "How did you… how?"
"Now if we told you that it takes all the fun out of it doesn't it?" Gail shook her head, pushing slowly to her feet as she approached Celia and Chicago.
Beca was frozen to the spot, not by any spell but by fear. How had these monsters managed to walk back into her life again with such ease? How were they here? Beca had gone to a whole other continent to get away from them, it didn't make any sense, they couldn't be here.
"She's beautiful Rebecca." Gail ran her finger down Celia's cheek, Celia whimpering in fear as the hand around her throat tightened, "Truly beautiful. Dare I say more beautiful than Evie was? You do have excellent taste in women little one."
Seeing Gail touch Celia seemed snap Beca back to the moment, a primal growl rumbling in her throat as she shot forward. She barely made it two steps before chains flew out of nowhere and wrapped around her wrists, pulling Beca's arms behind her and holding her tight in place. Beca gasped sharply as they wrenched her shoulders, pulling against the restraints as they dragged her to her knees with a pained grunt, tears forming in the corners of her eyes as they burned with hate.
"Let her go." Beca snarled, still fighting against the chains no matter how futile it might be, "She has nothing to do with this, just let her go!"
Gail sighed dramatically as she looked down at Beca, "But you see Rebecca… you brought her into this. You did this to her. Everything that we're going to do to her could've been avoided… all you had to was stay away from everyone and nothing would've happened. You're a monster Rebecca. You don't get to live in the real world."
"B-Beca." Celia was trembling in Chicago's tight grip, "Beca, de quoi parlent-ils?"
"Je suis désolée." Beca bit her lip, "Je suis vraiment désolée mon amour. Je... Je n'ai jamais pensé qu'ils me trouveraient..."
"Did you really think we would just let you go?" Chicago sneered, fangs dropping as he ran them down the side of Celia's neck. Celia whimpered once more, trying to twist out of his grip, her emerald eyes bright with fear.
"Beca aide-moi..." Celia pleaded, Beca feeling her heart shatter in her chest as she struggled harder. She was trying to, she was really trying.
"She can't help you." Gail's voice was chillingly calm, "She's weak, she always has been. Haven't you Rebecca?"
"No." Beca snarled through gritted teeth, trying to get to her feet but the chains around her wrists tightened sharply, Beca barely containing the cry of pain as she felt the bones snap, "I'm not weak… I'm not. I got away from you once, I'll do it again!"
"Maybe." Gail smirked, "Maybe not. But certainly not before we've had some fun with your beau."
"Leave her out of it." Beca grunted as she pulled hard at the chains holding her down, hating the idea of Celia being at their hands, "Just let her go."
"Why would I do that?" Gail hummed, Beca feeling her body seize as Gail's eyes glowed green, eyes forced open wide and unblinking, "When I know it's going to be so much more fun if I don't?"
"No, no please…" Celia begged, "Please don't hurt me… je t'en prie, aide-moi... je les laisse pas me faire du mal, Beca, je t'en prie.."
Beca relived every horrifying moment, every scream of pain, every time Celia begged her to make them stop, to save her.
"Je t'en prie, aide-moi... ne les laisse pas me faire du mal, Beca, je t'en prie."
"Please help me... don't let them hurt me, Beca, please."
Beca still heard Celia screaming for her in her nightmares, it still tore her heart out in the exact same way it had then.
Evie was pressed close into Beca's side, tears running down her cheeks as she turned to hide her face in Beca's shoulder. There was only so much of this she could watch before it was too much for her. Before it was too much for anyone. How had Beca lived through this?
"I think she's had her fill, don't you?"
Gail looked almost disappointed as she wiped her hands on the white linens that had once lay on Beca and Celia's bed. Celia was hanging limp from chains strung from the ceiling that had been fastened around her wrists, barely conscious and probably only alive by virtue of Gail's magic. Her hooded pain-filled eyes found Beca's wide and tearful ones, bottom lip trembling as her hair hung limply in front of her face. Her clothes had been torn, her body was covered in bruises and cuts, dried and fresh blood covering every inch of her.
"Now little one…" Gail gripped Beca's chin in her hand, smirking nastily at her as Beca glowered up at her, "You see this? This is what happens when you try to be something you're not, when you try to be human. We'll let you go, but know this. Every time that you try to be happy, every time that you feel safe and comfortable with someone else, we will be right behind you to remind that you're not."
"Fuck you." Beca spat, hot tears on her cheeks, ignoring the blinding pain in her broken wrists as she pulled at her restraints once more, "You can't keep doing this to me… I won't let you."
"You can't stop me." Gail sneered, "You're always so weak. So pathetic. What makes you think you can ever be free of me? You did this to her Rebecca, you brought your pain and misery into her life and now look at her…"
Beca did indeed look Celia, her heat shattered in her chest as she tried to break free of her chains and help her down, hold her until all the pain went away, until Celia had healed and was okay again. She had to help her, to save her, to soothe her. Gail was right about one thing; she had brought this on Celia, it was all her fault.
"Finish her." Gail smirked at Chicago whose eyes lit up as he pulled Celia's trembling and weak body into his.
"No, no leave her alone." Beca begged, "Look you made your point okay, please don't."
"Beca…" Celia mumbled as her head was wrenched back, throat exposed as Beca twisted and pulled furiously at the chains holding her down, "Je t'aime. C'est bon. Je t'aime."
"No." Beca shook her head furiously, "No! Stop it, please!"
Beca had begged them all night to no avail, there was no reason that this time should be any different, but that didn't stop her trying. Not again. She couldn't go through this again.
"Je t'aime Beca. Ne regarde pas. Je t'en prie, ne regarde pas."
Beca had no choice but to look as Gail held her head firm. Chicago sunk his fangs deep into Celia's throat, Celia letting out one last gurgled cry of pain as he drained the life from her.
Beca watched as Celia appeared in front of them, getting shakily to her feet as Celia looked around her with wide eyes.
"Celia?" Beca whispered, watching carefully as Celia spun on her heel, her eyes finding Beca's instantly.
"B-Beca?" Celia reached forward, her fingers brushing over Beca's hands, "Are you- are you dead too? Did they hurt you?"
"No." Beca shook her head as she took her hands in hers, surprised to hear Celia speaking in English but brushing it off as simply part of Thea's spell, "No I'm okay. It's um… it's hard to explain how I'm here, but I am okay I promise."
A smile spread across Celia's face as she gently pulled Beca close to her by their joined hands, forehead resting against hers, "My Beca… you're really okay?"
"Yeah." Beca nodded, voice thick with emotion, "I'm sorry Celia… I'm so sorry that you had to go through that because of me… I'm so so sorry."
"Sorry?" Celia frowned softly as she released Beca's hands in favour of cupping her face, "You have nothing to be sorry for my love. You didn't do anything wrong, you tried to help, you… they hurt you too. Why on earth would you have to be sorry for any of this?"
"Because… because Gail was right. I did bring this all to your door… I brought them to your door." Tears ran down Beca's cheeks as her gaze dropped, "And for what? I- I was still grieving for Evie, I… I loved you, of course I did but… enough to put you through this?"
"Beca, I knew." Celia smiled warmly, brushing Beca's hair from her eyes, "I knew that your heart still belonged to her, that there was a chance that you would never love me as much as I loved you. But I was happy to just share a small part of you with her, that was enough for me. And as for those… monsters? You didn't put me through anything. They did."
"Y-you knew?" Beca whispered, "Celia I-"
"If the next word out of your mouth is going to be 'sorry' we're going to have a problem." Celia raised her eyebrow, a teasing smile on her face, "You have nothing, nothing at all to apologise for, do you understand?"
"She's right." Evie's voice caused both of them to turn to her, "All I saw was you trying to help, and them doing… awful things whilst you did everything you could to stop them."
"I-I-" Beca shook her head, tears pouring down her cheeks as her hands clenched and unclenched as she tried to comprehend why they were being so… so understanding. So warm. So forgiving.
"Evie, right?" Celia grinned, "She used to talk about you all the time."
Evie grinned back at her before gently pulling Beca into her arms again, "It's not your fault. Any of this… no matter what else you need to see to understand that Beca, we already know it. Please love, please just… go be happy. Enjoy your life."
"Exactly." Celia stroked Beca's hair, "You cannot live in the past Beca, you cannot surround yourself with ghosts like this. You have to be in the present, you have to live not simply exist. There has to be something, someone that makes you truly happy."
"But… how can I?" Beca sighed heavily, "When living and loving gets the people I care about hurt?"
The space around them morphed again, Beca not looking up from her feet as she pulled away from Celia and Evie.
"Harper… that's perhaps the worst thing I ever did. It was 1967 and I had been alone for so long…" Beca mumbled, "I had a brief fling with an army nurse during the First World War, but everyone was killing each other and somehow I guess that was more entertaining than me because there wasn't a peep from Gail or any of her minions. But I was still too scared to do anything, to be near anyone during peace time, and then… then came the Summer of Love and with it marijuana, alcohol and sexual freedom. So when I met Harper I was high and I was lonely and I… we spent something like a week just… screwing."
Beca bit her bottom lip as she shook her head, "It didn't mean anything, she was sweet and she was cool but… there was nothing beyond that. And yet, Chicago turned up and tore her apart…"
There was the sound of agonised screaming around them as Beca kept her eyes firmly on the floor. She couldn't look at this again. She'd relived enough. She knew exactly what she'd see if she looked up; Chicago tearing Harper apart limb by limb, hazel eyes full of fear and pain, sandy hair wild and tangled in clawed fingers.
"God knows where Gail was… not that it mattered I was still too weak to do anything. I didn't feed that often then, and when I did it was always rats or whatever, it was never enough. That and the pot and the vodka… he overpowered me in seconds and I just watched as he did it to me all over again. It didn't matter that she was just a fling, he knew it would hurt me because it would be all my fault…"
"Jeez you're kinda depressing when you're sober…"
Beca's eyes finally left the ground as her head whipped up to find Harper grinning easily at her. Beca scoffed softly, shaking her head a little as Harper ran a hand through her sandy brown hair.
"Yeah well…" Beca shrugged a little, "Unfortunately the Swinging Sixties and the Summer of Love didn't stick around, people just kinda got depressing after that."
"Well thank God I died then…" Harper pulled a face as Beca couldn't help the smirk that tugged at her lips, even as her heart twinged, "Becs, please, I know that look, that's your apology look, you used it to get it a lot..."
Beca sniffed as she shuffled her feet uncomfortably, only looking at Harper when she tilted her chin up to meet her hazel gaze.
"Look, was that the way I saw my life ending? Hell no! I wanted to go out in the middle of an orgy with an orgasm so powerful it gave me a heart attack… but I never regretted being with you. We both knew what it was, I wasn't exactly the poster child for wholesome family values was I? So your past caught up with you, who didn't have a past waiting to catch up with them back then?"
Harper rested her hands on Beca's arms, grinning at her as Beca sniffed again, "I don't know what you are, or what he was, but I also don't care. I can categorically say that you were the best sex I ever had in my life, nothing would've beaten that anyway It was good job I went out when I did."
Beca laughed softly, shaking her head again, "God you really took this in stride huh?"
"Kinda." Harper shrugged, still grinning at Beca, "Dead at twenty one was not how I wanted things to end for me, but I don't have any regrets about it either. So let it go dude, go… I dunno bang your way through New York if that's what you want. You don't owe me any grief or guilt, please go live your life man!"
"Seems like we're all saying the same thing Beca." Evie smiled softly, "Three women, decades apart, all telling you the same thing… that's got to mean something right?"
"God…" Beca huffed, sinking to the floor as she wiped at her face with her sleeve, legs crossed under her again as Harper, Evie and Celia joined her, "I just… I always felt like if I was happy I was betraying all of you… that everything you went through was for nothing if I was suddenly just… happy and content and in love, and when everything went wrong with Chloe… it felt like a sign that I was right y'know."
"Chloe huh?" Harper smirked, "Sounds hot."
Beca rolled her eyes, not seeming to notice as images of Chloe, of memories of the two flashed silently around them, "It's not that she's hot. Okay, it kind of is, I'm only human… sort of. But it's not just that. It's the way she smiles not just with her mouth but with her eyes, the way her laugh lights up the room, and her eyes man… I could drown in them and not even try and fight it. She's kind, and funny, and warm and so freaking strong in ways I can't even begin to comprehend… I- I love her. I love her so damn much, I never stopped."
"So what the hell are you waiting for?" Evie grinned, Celia and Harper giving her the same look of gentle curiosity that Evie was.
"I-"
Beca froze, brow furrowing. It was a good question. The weight that had sat on her shoulders for so long was gone… they weren't mad at her, they forgave her for what she did… hell they didn't seem to blame her in the first place. That Beca still wasn't sure she understood, she wasn't sure that she ever would, but that didn't matter. What mattered was that there was no reason for her to be carrying all this guilt, all this fear, all this grief anymore. Chloe was about as close to her old self as she was probably ever going to get, she had made no secret of the fact that she wanted to be with Beca again so…
Why was she waiting?
"I don't know." Beca mumbled, a soft smile tugging gently at her lips, "I really don't know."
She lifted her head to look around her at the women smiling softly at her, a lump forming in her throat, "Um… thank you. All of you for- for helping me see sense, for helping me to… to move on I guess."
"Of course Beca." Celia reached out and rested her hand on Beca's, Evie and Harper doing the same, "Now go. Go be happy, go live your life. Go be with Chloe."
Beca grinned broadly as the visions of the women she loved so dearly vanished and the room around her faded back to the familiar surroundings of the basement. Thea was grinning knowingly at her as she came back to the present, Beca rolling her eyes softly as she pushed herself to her feet.
"Shut up." Beca mumbled, still grinning, "So I'm kind of soft, don't tell anyone… and um… thank you. Seriously Thea I- I will never be able to thank you enough for this."
Thea had gotten to her feet and now quickly pulled Beca into a tight hug, "You never have to thank me Beca. You've been through so much shit… it's the least I can do to give you a little closure and lighten the weight on your shoulders."
She pulled back and cupped Beca's cheeks in her hands, "Now go get your girl Beca."
Beca grinned, all but sprinting up the stairs as Thea shook her head fondly and began to clear up her supplies. Beca's heart was in her throat as she reached the door of the apartment, throwing it open and causing Aubrey and Stacie to jump out of their skin where they had been previously relaxing on the sofa.
"Beca?! Are you okay?" Aubrey's brow furrowed, but the moment she saw the look in Beca's eyes she instantly mellowed. That was not the look of a haunted woman, but rather of a woman in love.
"Yeah." Beca was still grinning broadly as she nodded, "Um, where's Chloe?"
"The roof." Stacie felt her heart warm. Finally.
"Kay." Beca was gone as quickly as she appeared, Stacie giggling fondly as she rested her head on Aubrey's shoulder.
"I told you they'd figure it out eventually." Aubrey wrapped her arms around Stacie's waist, kissing the top of her head.
"Yeah…" Stacie sighed happily, "Thank God for that. I was ready to bang their heads together…"
Beca had slowed down when she reached the door to the roof, her hands shaking as she took hold of the door handle. She pushed the door open far softer than she had in the apartment, convinced that her heart had started beating for just a moment to quicken at the sight that greeted her.
Chloe stood with her back to Beca in the centre of the roof, the warm glow of the rising sun illuminating Chloe's fiery hair like a halo around her head. As she turned, hearing Beca step onto the roof, Chloe's eyes seemed to glow brighter then they ever had as they met Beca's. Her arms were wrapped loosely around her waist but they dropped to her side as Beca moved towards her, Chloe's expression full of a million question but her mouth unable to form any of them.
Beca swallowed the lump in her throat as her trembling hands took Chloe's and pulled her close, a soft smile tugging at her lips as she felt Chloe's thumbs rub gently over her knuckles. It was such a simple, familiar action but it was enough for Beca to know that she hadn't imagined Chloe wanting to be with her again.
"I know you'll have a lot of questions." Beca mumbled, eyes glued to Chloe's, "But right now… I love you. I just really fucking love you Chloe Beale. That's all I have right now… is that okay?"
"Yeah." Chloe nodded, biting her lip just a little as her eyes brimmed with tears, "It's more than okay." She lifted her hand to brush Beca's hair from her eyes, "I love you too Becs."
Beca moved her hands to the back of Chloe's neck and pulled her into her, kissing her with a gentle urgency. Chloe sank into her, hands on Beca's hips as she returned the kiss with the same desperation and longing. The kiss deepened as Beca's hands ran into Chloe's hair, Chloe lifting her into her arms with Beca's legs quickly winding around her waist.
It had been too long since they'd kissed, so much pain and heartbreak had followed the last Valentine's Day together, but now? God now it was so worth it, because this kiss was far deeper, far greater, far more powerful than any they had ever shared before. This kiss felt like it could shift the earth, alter the fabric of time, create a new universe all in a simple, powerful action of love.
It was Beca that finally broke the kiss, still held tight in Chloe's arms with her legs firmly around her waist, forehead resting against Chloe's, fingers tangled in her hair. A soft smile tugged at her lips as her eyes fluttered open, searching Chloe's and finding the same love and longing that she was feeling reflected back at her.
"I missed you." Chloe murmured, running a hand through Beca's hair, "Are you sure you're ready for this though? Because I meant it when I said I'd wait as long as it took."
"I know you did." Beca nudged her nose against Chloe's, "But I don't need to wait anymore. I don't want to wait anymore Chlo… a year ago today you were ripped from my arms and my world fell apart. This is the last piece I need to put it back together again."
Beca was gently lowered to the ground and Chloe cupped her face in her hands, eyes full of emotion and tears on her cheeks, "You were my life raft Beca… even when I didn't know why. I'm just so glad that we're here… I really do love you Becs."
"I love you too." Beca leant her forehead against Chloe's, hands on her hips, "I always have. That was the one thing that never changed in all this mess, I couldn't stop loving you even if I wanted to. Yeah, I'm still scared shitless of loving you and it hurting you but… but now? It doesn't matter that I'm scared because I have you again and I love you so much… the world just makes sense now."
Chloe kissed Beca again, softer this time but no less full of love and wanting than it had been before.
"Everything always makes more sense when I'm with you too." Chloe whispered.
"I love you Chlo." Beca mumbled against her lips, "I always will, no matter what I will always love you."
"I love you too Becs. I love you too."