Note : First thing first , sorry ! I know I said I would give you all an update early this week but I just .. totally lost track of time . It is only today that I have the time to myself . I will remind my sorry ass not to make any promises again in the future .
Also , thank you to those that checked on me . X
It had rain nonstop since last night until early this morning — the sun was shining bright again . Except , the sadness were still in the air .
Everyone at the cemetery was mourning . In their own ways . One was still sobbing , one was standing still but God knew his heart was broken , another one with a pair of red eyes , the other with an eye of despair . In the corner , Callie was forcing herself to take it all in , with all the courage she had in herself eventhough she wasn't sure how much of the courage she got left in her body . Physically , she was there but her mind was somewhere else .
A light squeeze on her shoulder gently brought Callie back to reality . A reality that she didn't want to face . Carina tried to let her fiancee know that she would always be there for whatever she needed . The hand lingered there as Callie zoned out , again .
Under a giant tree , she looked into Lucia's ring that she held safely in her palm . Arizona kept fidgeting with it as the funeral started . She had done this . No , not burying her mother , God forbid . But burying the person she loved ? She had been there . As the matter of fact , she had buried two person at one time . Without having any experiences with death , cemetery or gravestone — her hands were full back then . So did her brain . Her relatives had to remind her to arrange certain stuffs that she , herself almost forgot . There was just too many things to be handled . The official forms that she had to fill up many , many times , nonstop phone calls from Joanne's and her friends , the relatives — all while she was waiting for Joanne's and Aiden's bodies to be released . Luckily , she got her parents and Nathaniel .
Because by the time it was the funeral day , Arizona was already a mess .
As they lowered the casket , it finally hit her . She remembered standing there — there was no sound of crying but her tears just flowed .
Tim was away at that time but in the end , the funeral went okay . They got enough hands , eventhough it was barely , thankfully .
It's probably the same for Callie too .
Arizona didn't know what she could do to help due to the circumstances between Callie and her had changed . She wanted to help but she knew there was a line between them now and she shouldn't cross them . Callie wanted the boundaries , she gotta respect that .
But still , she figured she could help the Torres dealing with the hospital stuffs . That was all she could do . For the funeral official part , she couldn't help much . Her parents were the one that mostly handled it . But still , even with having her parents handling it , it still wasn't quite easy for Arizona . After the service , people still wanted to see the wife of the deceased , the mother of the deceased before leaving and honestly ? That was the damn tiring part .
Having the ..
"I'm sorry for your loss ."
Over and over again .
Or the worst of them all ...
"They are in much better place now ."
What ? Were they not happy being alive all this time ? Did they feel tortured living in this world ? Did the love I had for my wife and my son suffocated them ? What is that supposed to mean , better place ? Did I fail that terribly to provide them a happy home that they had to die and went to the other so called , 'better place' ?
Arizona hated it . The words were supposed to be comforting and those person actually meant no harm . But still , Arizona found it offensive .
Arizona was quickly startled by the sound of approaching footsteps . On instant , she closed her palm , gripping the ring in order to hide it .
"Here you are . I was looking for you ." Nanny Garcia stood right next to Arizona . "Why don't you stand closer to them ?"
"I'm okay here ." Arizona replied . "Why are you here ?"
"It's just too much . Standing there , I probably couldn't stop myself from crying and I was just a nanny for those two . And now to Mia . It would be inappropriate for me to cry ."
"You are .. not just a nanny .." Arizona shushed the nonsense . "You are Nanny Garcia . You are their family ."
Nanny Garcia sobbed . While Arizona just let the silence take over her words , simply letting the older woman having her moment .
"What are you going to do with it , Arizona ?" Nanny Garcia asked once the sob subsided .
It was a question that Arizona did not expect .
"I knew the ring is currently in your palm . I saw you fidgeting with it while your mind zoning away just now ."
Arizona slowly opened her fist , revealing Lucia's ring . "I don't believe much in spiritual thing so , I'm just gonna say it , not caring much if her soul hears this but I kinda mad at her for leaving me with this little thing . I mean , who left a ring and just .. die ?"
"She had died before she died , Arizona . She's been living with regrets for almost a year . The only thing that kept her alive throughout the year was you . She was lifeless but still , she held on . She waited for you to had that conversation ."
"You meant to say , that I was the one killed her ?" Arizona chuckled . "I shouldn't came back here ."
"That was not what I'm trying to say . You didn't kill her , Arizona . Instead , you set her free by giving her a chance to told the truth and apologized . Telling you the truth had given her a little bit of peace on her last final moment . And you are a kind person for letting her do that ."
"Wait , you knew about it ?" Arizona quickly asked .
"She told me everything . In case she didn't make it ."
"I know I shouldn't say this , especially during her funeral but wasn't it selfish of her ?" Arizona looked at the ring . "When she gave me this ring , honestly speaking ? She had given me a little bit of hope ."
"But now , that hope had turned into a disappointment ." Arizona looked up , staring at both Carina and Callie . "Once again , all I got is just the feeling of disappointment . And it hurts . Just like when Callie turned me down . So yeah , I think it was an act of selfishness for her to gave me this — a tiny hope . Just for me to get disappointed again ."
"You proposed to Callie ?" Nanny Garcia was shocked .
"Yeah .. Nobody knows about this except Callie and me ." Arizona sadly nodded . "And now you . Please don't tell anyone else . Because there is just no point ."
"I won't ." Nanny Garcia made a zipping my mouth gesture . "So .. you said for a moment , upon receiving the ring — there was hope ?"
Arizona smiled , a painful smile . "There was . Then Callie and I had a conversation by the pool and she said something that broke me but I know she didn't mean it . But still , the hope was there . Until Carina announced their engagement at the dinner table , the hope just vanished ."
"I thought Carina and her wasn't that serious but .." Arizona bit her lip in order to hide her frustration . "They are engaged . She seems to be happy again , I don't want to ruin that . She had been through a lot ."
"But it didn't change the fact that at first you were actually thinking and willing to try to get this ring on her finger ." Nanny Garcia stated .
"If she's only dating Carina , yes . But Nanny Garcia , she's engaged now . I knew it doesn't have much different — dating or engage . But the fact that she is actually engaged now ? That someone had popped the same question I had asked her before ? And the fact that this time she said yes ? It's gut wrenching .. feels like someone had stabbed me with a knife and then twisted it as she pulled out the knife before stabbing me again and again ."
Nanny Garcia had scare written all over her face .
"Sorry for the very gory visual explanation but it is what I feel ." Arizona apologized , quickly .
"I was gonna return the ring back to her after the dinner . But she just .. died . As I was trying to revive her , I had this scream in my head , wishing her to just come back to life because guess what , I can't try again with your daughter 'cause she's engaged and happy . So let's us both move on from our regrets by trying not to ruin her happiness once again ." Arizona sighed . "But she died anyway . It feels really unfair for her to just left this ring to me and all the baggages ."
"You don't have to do something that you don't want do . What she asked , it's a lot . And prioritizing someone's else happiness is a kind thing . She would understand whatever or however you choose to do with the ring ."
Arizona stared at Nanny Garcia . Little did the woman know , to try again with Callie — it was actually something that she wanted . But it just wasn't the right thing to do .
Being taught by her father to always be the good man in a storm , it definitely wasn't the right thing to do . It was against her principle .
"I think you should keep this . Maybe give it to Carina or whoever that's worthy of it ." Arizona placed the ring on Nanny Garcia's palm .
Nanny Garcia nodded .
"And uh .. I appreciate it if you could keep this whole thing to yourself ." Arizona glanced at Callie . "Callie didn't have to know that her mother kinda .. ruined me and her . Partly , ruined us . Just let her remember her mother the way she is right now ." Arizona said , hoping the conversation she had with Lucia , both in Seattle a year ago and in Miami just before she died — to be kept as a secret , just the way it was .
"Of course ." Nanny Garcia agreed . "Are you coming to the repast later on ? Carlos kind of hope you would stay ."
"If he insists , sure ."
Callie felt the guilt stacking up her shoulder as she sat in one corner , simply observing her other family members entertained the guests that had stopped by for the funeral reception — her relatives and friends , Lucia's friends and colleagues .
Carina was at the other side of the room , speaking with some of the Torres's relatives with Mia wrapped in her arms .
Callie continued to scan the room as her mother's favorite song — the piano version was being played on the background . They had also serve the foods that her mother loved . Friends and families talking about just how they would remember Lucia , reminiscing about the good time they had and just lovely of a person she was — including how great she was at her job .
"She was such .. a good friend . I'm sorry for your loss , dear . If there's anything we can do to help during these tough time , let us know ." A woman passed by , giving a light pat on Callie's shoulder .
"I appreciate your kind words . Thank you for coming here ." Callie said with a small smile . A broken smile . "It surely meant a lot to her ."
Just right after that , few friends of Callie's mother sat next to her , started talking about how wonderful her mother was . Just when one stopped talking , another one would continue on .
It had started to suffocate Callie .
And a pair of blue eyes noticed that . Arizona as always , she was more comfortable standing from a distant away from the brunette . Leaning against the wall , Arizona was quite far from Callie but still , it was close enough for her to be an observer .
It wasn't the first time it had happened .
Been standing in the same room with Callie for multiple times now and somehow , she still found herself doing the same thing all over again — searching for the brunette from across the room . Even when she was currently having a conversation with other people , Arizona managed to steal a glance at Callie .
She just wanted to make sure that Callie was alright eventhough it was absurd of her to do so .
Firstly , it kinda wasn't Arizona's duty anymore . It was supposed to be the duty of a girlfriend . Or fiancee . Secondly , of course the brunette would be a mess instead of alright . In fact , she was far from okay . She earned that right to not be okay right now .
Losing a loved ones certainly would given you that right .
But back to it , Callie certainly didn't look good now .
"Excuse me ." Arizona politely excused herself .
"I'm really sorry ..."
Excluding at the cemetery — Callie had now hear it for the fiftieth times today . And by now — out of fifty , she at least answered twenty one of it like a robot .
"Callie ."
"Hold it . I know what you gonna say ." Callie mumbled , not even looking up to the voice . "You are sorry for my loss . Right ?" She was on the edge of a breakdown . Just one more person , one more words of sympathy — that's it . She would lose it .
"No , I'm not ."
Callie looked up , glaring at the other person upon hearing the insensitive respond . At the same time she was kinda relieved ..? That it wasn't the same words she been hearing since the reception started .
"No .. I mean , yes . I'm .." Arizona bit her upper lip , there was just no point to explain it . "Do you want to get out of here ? Get some fresh air ?"
"Am I even allowed to do that ?"
"They wouldn't notice ." Arizona extended her hand . "Can you walk ?"
"Barely but slowly . Yes , I can ." Callie ignored the helping hand eventhough her sole was certainly still recovering from the broken glasses she accidentally stepped on the night her mother died .
And Arizona just looked at her own hand that was being ignored ...
The blonde slowly twisted the door knob to the rooftop . She exited the staircase area , stepping aside to make way for Callie that was now slowly tiptoeing the stairs — carefully not to put too much pressure on her left sole .
"Here would do ." Arizona found a secluded area at the rooftop before proceeding to sit on the floor .
Callie did the same too , choosing to sit across Arizona — leaning against the wall . Only , she got a cautious look in her eyes . "So what are we gonna do here ? Talk about the last time we saw each other ago , a year ago ?"
Arizona shook her head .
"Or talk about Carina ?"
"That's the last thing I want to talk about ." Arizona dismissed Callie's guess .
"Then what ?" Callie shot back .
"Nothing . I'm just gonna sit here and have my air and you gonna have some of yours too ." Arizona answered . "No conversation needed ."
"Yeah , right ." Callie scoffed . "And then after a few minutes you are gonna stare at me with your always intense blue eyes , looking so sympathetic , and start saying of how unimaginable pain of loss I must have feel . And it would end with I'm sorry for your loss . Just like how all the other person down there kept telling me ."
"So my blue eyes are always intense to you ?" Arizona smiled .
Yes , they are . Sometimes it's broken and sad . And I have seen it before how empty it was . But that eyes filled with anger that you had , kept all hidden in you but eventually exploded right before the kidnapping when we had our biggest fall out — that was also the eyes that I would remember - scarily . But most of the times , the eyes were intense . Intense with happiness , with anger , intensely sad .. The intensity would always be there no matter what the mood was — Callie silently thought to herself as she bit the inside of her cheek .
"The intensity of your eyes is not the point ." Callie decided to say that instead eventhough she just had a giant monologue just now .
"No , Callie . I won't say that I'm sorry speech to you . To be honest , I am not planning at all . I don't have any condolences speech rehearsed in me . Not that I am not sorry for your loss , I do feel sorry but I feel like you have too much of that already that it suffocates the air out of you . Besides , what's the point ?"
"It's a joke that they feel those comfort words can make you feel better . Because they don't . At all . The burden on your shoulder is still there and the ache in your heart that you feel right now won't just magically go away by words . Words could do its magic when you are already in the remembering stage but for now , you are in the hurting phase of trying to accept the new reality . And guess what ? You are allowed to feel the pain now instead of shove it down and coming back to it later — that would only make mourning harder . You are allowed to shed tears instead of coming off as strong , keeping it together ."
"I know it's hard to find the time when you barely have enough time for yourself to properly mourn . With all the burdens on your shoulder that you can't seem to drop , putting it aside for a while . With lots of things going on today , the burial , this reception and all . Maybe you don't have the time to mourn but Callie , you gotta find the time . Find the person to share the pain with . So that the person could touches and let you feel as if the burdens and pains been lifted from you even for just a moment . It's better now than having those breakdowns later on . Grief is a powerful thing . You can't stop the unstoppable ."
"And I'm not trying to compare my pain of losing Joanne and Aiden with your pain of losing your mother . Because they are different . Every losses are always different than the other , they always do . But I just wanted to share you my experience because I have went through the similar thing you are going through right now . Words won't comfort you . But at least for me , an act of action that touches your feeling might could ease some of the burdens and pains ." Arizona stopped , trying to let the brunette processed her words .
"I just don't have the time . To shed the tears ." Callie sobbed , suddenly breaking down . She quickly wiped the tears that been pooling in her eyes with the back of her hand . Crying in front of her ex seemed a bit silly to her .
"No , no . Don't do that ." Arizona shook her head . "Let it all out . There's nobody here to say that you should stop crying crap . Just me . Feel it , Callie . Don't avoid it ."
With that , Callie cried even harder .
Arizona just looked at Callie , slightly tempted to move over next to her , to let her know she was there . To let Callie fell into her embrace . But she dared not to 'cause of all the boundaries they had .
"She was my Mama . And I really appreciated those people came here , talking nice things about her . But she was my Mama and I didn't get much chance to tell people lots of stories about her . Because they got their own stories with her and I just gotta listen to them because that's what people do , right ?" Callie said in between sobs . "And I can't cry too because they would be sympathetic to me even more . And they would hug me but none of it would make me feel better ."
She looks so broken when she cries .. Just how Arizona wished Callie was still hers . So that she could pull the Latina in her arms .
"Try me ." Arizona simply replied . "You can tell me all about her ."
"Why ? You didn't even like her . You hated her . She was the defendant's attorney of your .."
"Hate is such a big word , don't you think so ?" Arizona quickly cut off the other woman's words . "And it's a heavy thing for you to carry it on your back for the rest of your life . Hating her before this , it was a defensive response I had as an ordinary human . Carrying it had me lost lots of good things in my life ." Her gaze stopped on Callie . It made me lose you .
And then there was only silence between the two of them . For a few minutes .
"I hated her too ." Callie suddenly spoke , wiping the tears away as her cry finally subsided . "At some point in my life , I hated her ."
"And everytime the hatred was just too much , I would look at her . Right in her eyes , not because I was trying to challenge her or anything .. it was because in that fleeting moment — I was trying to remember how my Mama used to comb my hair when I was five . How she would read bedtime stories for me whenever my Papa couldn't came back just in time for it . And just how ugly she cried at my first day at school ." Her eyes were still red but Callie smiled as she remembered those loving moments she had with her mother .
"Yeah , first day at school . That was the .. worst . It wasn't like graduation day but still , it just got to you ." Arizona laughed , remembering Aiden's first day at school .
Even Callie's laugh could be heard in between Arizona's as they both thought about their loved ones .
"I fed her the evening before she passed away . She seemed to be a little bit different . More like .. at peace . She even looked me into my eyes and asked how's my life going . I told her before about Carina and then I told her that I'm still with Carina but failed to reach about the engagement part . I didn't know if she would react well . Past experiences , she didn't , so I didn't tell her ." Callie had a sorrowful look on her face . "I wish I had told her ."
"She would be happy that you are getting engaged ." Arizona gave a small smile .
"Well , not too sure with that . She had never been thrill with me dating women . The only main issue she had with me her whole life ." Callie replied .
"Trust me , she would be happy ." Arizona insisted . "Carina makes you happy . That all that matters . She would be happy knowing that you are happy ."
And she was right . Based on the last conversation she had with Lucia — the older woman was already in her acceptance stage .
"I don't know if this all .. what am I feeling right now , when will it goes away ." Callie sighed , sad . "I know that death is still painful even after years . But this sudden heaviness .. I just don't know if it would ever sooth down . The unbearable pain you feel when you are still in denial.."
"You will get there ." Arizona believed that Callie was strong enough and would eventually get out of it . Most importantly , she knew that Callie had her family around her — the support system that she needed . Extra : Carina
"How did you do it with Joanne and Aiden ?" Callie asked . "Getting there ?"
"Are you asking me ?" Arizona chuckled . "Their deaths messed me up so much . Still messes me up sometimes . I'm not the person you should ask , Torres ."
"It's weird ." Callie looked at Arizona .
"What ?" Arizona raised her eyebrows in confusion .
"Seeing you like this .. so .. carefree and open . Talking about Joanne and Aiden without getting offended or shutting people down whenever their names come up ."
"Yeah , I have been going to therapy lately ."
"Lately ?"
"Like maybe .. 10 months ago I had my first session ." Arizona shrugged to dismiss it . It was not a big deal at all . And it was definitely something that she should had done long time ago .
10 months . So it means like .. almost after the break up ? Callie thought to herself as she wondered on why Arizona hadn't start the therapy way before they broke up . It might teeny , tiny helped their relationship .
Callie had thought about suggesting the therapy to Arizona back then . But then , she didn't want herself to be the reason the blonde starting the therapy . She wanted Arizona to go to the therapy on her own's will .
Arizona on the other hand - had taken Callie's silence as her zoning away from the reality and back to thinking about her mother .
"Came to think , it was Tim ." Arizona suddenly spoke , breaking away Callie's deep thoughts .
Callie looked up , her eyes was asking Arizona to carry on with her words .
"Tim was on tour when both Aiden and Joanne died . He couldn't ask for leave as they were in some kind .. of secret operation . He only came home like .. five months after that . It was in Tim's hug that I had the full breakdown . It all just came down like a heavy waterfall . The denial , guilt , the pain , it all bundled in my sadness ." It was true , Arizona still remembered it like it was just yesterday . "We didn't say a thing , he just stood there in his military gear in my parents's porch . I remember walking to Tim . And when he hugged me , for a minute I felt like all the burdens have been lifted away from me . It was so .. soothing ."
"I hope I could feel that soon ." Callie said , having a light of hope in her eyes .
"I believe you will ." Arizona stared at Callie .
Both of them had their eyes locked . Arizona with her intense baby blue eyes while Callie had a slight despair shown in her eyes .
It was a little bit awkward , to like .. really look at each other like this again . But at the moment , it just felt right . Eventhough none of them wanted to admit that .
"I .. I think .. I better go back to them before they realize I'm gone ." Callie stuttered , looking away — refusing to let her feeling carried away into those intensely beautiful gaze .
"Yeah . We should get going ." Arizona forced herself to go back to the reality . "Calliope ?" She called right after she got on her feet .
Callie was about to reach the door knob when Arizona called her . "Yea ?"
"Can I give you a hug instead of a condolences speech ?" Arizona asked from few feet away . "Unless , that's a bad idea ? Because we aren't even friends ?"
Callie nodded , a smile was on her lips . It was just a hug , nothing more .
Little did she know that hug was going to have an effect as same as Tim's hug to Arizona .
Arizona moved forward with a small smile . Opening her arms , she pulled Callie into her embrace .
The Latina buried her face into Arizona's shoulder , closing her eyes , giving all of her sorrowful self into Arizona's body . And just like how Arizona perfectly explained earlier before — slowly , she felt a sudden rush of emotions as she got herself comforted by Arizona's hug . Eventhough the blonde didn't speak to her at all while they hugged , but the hug — it speaks all .
Tears dropped . And yes , Arizona didn't lie . Her shoulder feels light . In that moment , all the burden isn't only hers . It feels nice , she kinda hope Arizona wouldn't pull away .
By now , tears were running down on Callie's cheek , some on Arizona's shoulder .
Reluctantly , Arizona broke the hug . "You will get there , Calliope ." She wiped the tears off Callie's face using her thumb . "That lovely smile that I know you have , they will be there again soon ."
They were still standing so closely , eyes to eyes , mouth to mouth . Callie looked into Arizona's eyes , her gaze circling back and forth between those eyes and that lips .
Arizona didn't back away either . Her brain just kept telling her to lean in .
And the tension continued on .. None of them seemed wanting to break the spell .
Will they or won't they ?
TO BE CONTINUED ...
A/N : Wrote most of this chapter based on how I feel months ago . All of the comforting words didn't seem to get inside of my brain . To me , it felt like just a nice thing someone has to do , a thing they have to tick on a checklist when dealing with someone who just lost their loved ones . But a hug ? I don't remember who was giving me a hug , but it really felt nice . A really soothing five seconds of my life during those painful time back then .
Anyway as usual , drop me those reviews , response , opinions or even suggestions . Every of your reviews are truly appreciated .
Until then ..