III. Without You

Thou, that it may not be a marvel to thee,
Think that on earth there is no one who governs;
Whence goes astray the human family.

Ludovicus Jornmark. 19.
Victor of The 51st Hunger Games.

Ever since returning to District Two after the Games, everything feels… off to Ludo. Granted, that could be the fact he doesn't have his best friend, the most important person in his world to look forwards to seeing anymore, but the discomfort he feels goes beyond Cyra's absence.

It started just moments after he'd arrived at Two, none of the typical Victor celebrations greeting him when he stepped off the platform but instead four men dressed in all black, sunglasses shielding their eyes. Naturally, he was confused, as were his mentors Brutus and Duellona who had also been expecting a celebration of some sorts, or at least a crowd, but the men quickly ushered him away before he had any time to ask what was happening.

"We're here on Vesta and Gaia's account," They'd said with their voices hushed, referring to Ludo's aunts of course, "There's a big storm coming for you, Ludovicus."

Still, Ludo inquired, "Alright, but that doesn't explain who you guys are."

"Bodyguards," One of the men nodded his head, "We've been told to protect you until… things get less hectic, let's just say that."

He tries to forget just how wrong people were about Cyra's death, mainly because he's the only one who knows the truth, well— him and Cyra both know he'd never kill her which is why he didn't, but to everyone else, it was betrayal that lead to her demise. It was Ludo pushing her into the flames instead of reaching out to her, and while it was entertaining to the Capitol, he knew Cyra's family wouldn't think too highly of it.

Ludo just… didn't think it would get this bad, per say.

When Caesar asked him about it in the interview, Ludo did everything he could to change the topic, and in hindsight that probably wasn't his wisest decision, but he'd just been excused of killing his best friend for Panem's sake, was he just supposed to be chill about it?

It's a trademark line in his family, "No Sheng's safe in Springridge," yet somehow the saying's evolved into "No Sheng's safe in Springridge, or Crested Creek," which is sort of an issue considering that's where they all live. Or at least… where his parents live, he was whisked off to Victors' Village just two weeks after his return once it was tidied for him. They were offered the opportunity to move with Ludo, but he insisted they stay put since he's the man who they're out to get and he doesn't want his parents to be collateral damage. He'd protect them if it was the last thing he ever did. He wishes Camila and Ezekiel were with him though, the house feels so empty with just him and Gunner… him and Gunner and four bodyguards.

Ludo's guards are always on watch, two of them— Azayrius and Cain in front of his house typically, and the others— Horatio and Theseus patrolling the halls whilst he sleeps, and occasionally while he's awake. It's like he was never meant to be safe, even in the new house where he's supposed to be free of all worries and woes.

And the worst part is that he has rationale for his fear, Azayrius telling Ludo that two men were looking into his window one night, guns in their pockets. He's lucky it was Cain that fired first, otherwise Ludo doesn't know if he'd even be alive. He feels bad for the guards and how they've been instructed to give up their lives just for him, seldom seeing their own loved ones all because of a feud that should've ended years ago, but whenever he expresses said discomfort, one of them just says something among the lines of, "It's our duty to protect you, Mr. Jornmark."

He doesn't feel worthy…

At least he knows damn well who it is who's out to get him, because it doesn't take a genius to figure out that Aquila Ferncliffe's the mastermind and her motive's getting revenge due to Cyra's death, and he wishes he could reason with her, though he knows that opportunity's long gone according to the tapes.

And it isn't like she'd believe Ludo anyway, why would she believe the guy who as far as she knows killed her daughter and just so happens to be connected to her greatest enemies. Besides, what Cyra's said about her, she doesn't seem like the type of person who can be reasoned with, already destroyed by her own hatred. If anything, she'd just look at Ludo's left arm and say she wishes the other one was gone too before sending one of her relatives to shoot him in the head.

Speaking of… at least the prosthetic's gotten a bit easier to work with, not that it's overall easy by any means and it's still weird being unable to feel anything he grabs with it— though he'd heard from Fleur by mail that he'd be able to swap it for one that gives him sense receptors when he returns to the Capitol for his victor tour, which is another thing he's admittedly loathing the thought of. Because there's so many awful things that could happen whether it be having Saia's family come over to him and say, "You and our son were so cute," or more severely Calathea, as he's learned her name's father strangling him. But at least he can't say for certain that the latter would happen since Peacekeepers raided Eleven just a few days after the Games ended, presumably due to her outburst. Ludo never got an exact number on how many died, but he knows it's over a hundred. Hopefully, Calathea's dad is one of them, for both of them's sake.

It's not even two months after the Games when the unthinkable happens, Ludo turns on his television to see Shindy Gregory Academy burning to the ground. The place that for better or for worse made him the man he is today, his home when he didn't have one… just all gone, and even if he hated it at one point or another, that didn't mean he wanted it to burn down, didn't mean he wanted to… "Aquila!"

Horatio runs downstairs at the mention of her name, his gun pointed when he asks, "She's here?"

Quickly, Ludo corrects him, "No, I just think she…" he gestures at the screen, "You know, did that."

They turn to the screen to see a man named Efrain Charleston being dragged away from the scene of the crime as the presumed culprit, but Ludo's not at all convinced Aquila didn't somehow have an influence in this.

Because it happened so quickly, the fire consuming the buildings rapidly until they were no more, and all Ludo can do was feel so helpless as he watches everything turn into nothing but dust and ashes. He saw trainees evacuating the building, but they all seemed so out of it, so disheveled that he doubts they'd be able to make it to the Games in full health.

He tries to laugh about it the next night when Vesta and Gaia sneak booze into his house and have dinner, drunkenly joking, "I guess I was just too hot to handle," between sips. But the pain in his eyes is obvious even if his aunts don't notice.

"You're a funny one, kid," Gaia muses, a somewhat manic look on her face that's likely from the liquor, "What were you saying about who you think caused the fire?"

As though he hadn't repeated it to them a thousand times, Ludo mutters, "Aquila Ferncliffe."

Vesta cackles, "Well it would make sense considering you killed her daughter, proud of you for that, by the way."

He wants to tell them the truth but it's pointless since they'd never believe him so instead he laughs and says, "Sure is, wasn't like we were best friends or anything."

"You're hilarious," Gaia takes another sip of her drink, "Obviously, you'd rather be dead than be friends with the Ferncliffe girl."

He just smiles slightly, I'd rather be dead than live life without the Ferncliffe girl… Because they'll never be able to know about them, and it's a fate that's hard for him to swallow.

A brief silence passes before Vesta jokes, "You know Gaia and I've always joked about a drive-by shooting of Springridge, there's no time like the present."

"Please don't," Ludo sighs, "Everything will be okay eventually, just like it always does."

Yet it isn't okay almost a year after Ludo's won.

He could hardly leave his bed for the victory tour and he had no clue what to say in the presence of anybody's families, much less those who he killed himself. He'd tried his best, of course, but everything was so awkward, even with Hesson's family who he talked down on so many times. Ludo'd thought that maybe they'd be actual normal and good people, but they weren't.

Before he could even offer them condolences, his father gave Ludo a hug, "We were rooting for you Mr. Jornmark, thank goodness you won."

Ludo's mind was blank, even if Hesson was insufferable, he didn't deserve parents who didn't care about him.

It seems like everything's falling apart, even the sense receptors on his hand deciding they didn't want to function properly.

Ludovicus Jornmark's just about damaged goods now, nobody to talk to besides the bodyguards and occasional family visits, and nobody to comfort him besides Gunner, and even he's getting tired from time to time, fitting for the old man but not necessarily enjoyable for either of them. Still, he grabs onto the dog in his sleep and cries softly into his fur, hoping the guards won't hear it and think something's wrong, which is ironic when just about everything's wrong, even if he can't say anything. He tried opening up to the guards about Cyra, yet he looked unamused and unconvinced, like he didn't care about Ludo's feelings, just the sanctity of his life.

Two nights before the 52nd Games' reaping, there's a package at the door with Ludo's name on it. His first instinct, along with his guards' is that it's a bomb, so Theseus takes it far away from the house so that he can tamper with it. The last thing Ludo needs is anything awful that could distract him from achieving his goal of becoming a great mentor to whoever the male tribute is, protecting him and giving him the best advice possible so that they both can succeed, because he doesn't want somebody else to be fucked by the Games the same way he was.

Theseus returns to the house, "It's just a book," tossing Ludo the leather object and sitting down, "Read it if you want, I guess. It doesn't seem suspicious."

It only takes turning one page for Ludo to realize what it is… But how? Did her father bring it or something? I know he didn't hate me? Did he send this?

He runs up to his room so he can get a closer look at what he's been gifted, all Cyra's favorite flowers pressed between sheets of plastic, little notes labeling each one: poppy, lily, hydrangea, sunflower, they're all inside. Hell, it's almost like a piece of Cyra's heart is pressed between each of these pages, her soul preserved just for him, just so he'll always have part of her with him, as made clear by the neatly folded piece of paper taped to the last page of the book.

Ludo unfolds and tears up at just the title, "If You Come Home Without Me," and blots his face with his shirt before continuing to read…

Well first off, congratu-fucking-lations Ludo-boy; you won the Hunger Games, how cool is that?

If you're reading this, that's because I placed it on my bed before I left for the reaping (or at least I hope I did, they're tomorrow so I still could forget), with the instructions to give this to you before you go off and mentor in the 52nd. Hopefully this got to you safely, I wrote my father's name on it because I knew Aquila would just toss this out. Speaking of, how's she doing? Is she dead, that would be quite the enjoyable plot twist I must say.

I'm getting ahead of myself, how are you doing Ludo? I assume not well because I'm dead? I'd like to hope I died on good terms with you. Do you still miss me? I know that's a selfish question but I know that if this situation was flip-flopped, I'd miss you more than anything. Because holy hell, Ludo… if you aren't just the best person I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. I remember when we were younger, just stupid kids playing games and never thinking any of this would happen. I never thought we'd end like this, to be honest. Yeah yeah, when I saw your face behind the curtain earlier today I had a feeling that you would win and I wouldn't, but that doesn't change the fact that I wish everything could be different. I wish we could have grown old together and forced our kids to be friends even if they hated one another, even though that was never our destiny, I know we were doomed from the start but that doesn't mean this still doesn't suck.

Hopefully at least our families are getting along better because of this— wait, what the hell am I saying, they're probably worse, aren't they? Ah well, I'm just going to be optimistic and pretend our fathers are drinking beers together while our mothers braid each other's hair. Wow, that does not sound realistic, what the hell? I bet if anyone just so much as touched Aquila's hair they'd be dead. A girl can dream though. I know that I'm dreaming of you wherever I am, which is hopefully heaven. Because again, it didn't have to end like this and I hate that it did. Maybe I shouldn't have tried as hard as I did at the final tournament, but you'd beat Stevie's ass too if you were me, I know you would.

Okay… fuck why am I crying, gosh it would be so embarrassing if I was the one who won and I had to read this. But for the sake of sincerity, I'll pretend that isn't happening and leave you with some advice. First off, I hope you find happiness again, whether it with a new best friend or a romantic partner, I want you to be happy without me, it's what you deserve. Second, try to enjoy the little things in life, like planting flowers or just observing the world around you. Staying grounded is what's important, because you better be a good mentor and ensure you're not Two's last victor, understand me?

Please tell me you get over this somehow, it's what I want from you even if that's impossible, or at least seems so. I'll always be watching over you until you join me— which better be in a long time, don't go killing yourself on me.

But until then, just know I love you,
Cyra

PS. Could you put some hot chocolate on my windowsill if you get the chance? My ghost is probably craving it.

PSS. I bet you looked so funny when the hovercraft carried you out of the arena.

He folds the letter and closes the book. There's so much work to do before Ludovicus can call himself whole.

Wow! Isn't that sad? I told you this would be painful I hope you also felt pain like I did while I was writing this. Take your grievances up with Maggie and Laney, this isn't my fault. God ACD is such an emo nightmare already and based on the kids I've received thus far, it will continue to be an emo nightmare.

Speaking of kids, you have a week to give them to me, this is a threat. I will bite.

See you soon with some unhappy thoughts from Liana and Haymitch that I'm sure you can't wait for!

Fuck this shit, I'm out,
Linds