I am actually JUST old enough to remember when computers still had dial-up. Ah, I can hear it now. Reeeeeeee, errrrrrrrr, NEE-nee, NEE-nee, HRHHHHHH.
Btw, I used to headcanon that there weren't any "good vampire" stories [good as in moral] in the Twilight world, like maybe the Volturi had a finger on vampire media lol, deciding what gets released and what gets a thumbs down from publishers and stuff (Meyer got rejected by FOURTEEN different agents :O Never give up, kids). So, like, Dracula is in, Vampire Diaries is out, just to keep publicity lowkey. But then I read Midnight Sun, and Edward references Anne Rice? Sooo ok, maybe Lily is really sheltered (definitely lol) and has just never heard of any "good vampire" stories herself. (I mean, VD and True Blood weren't filmed until the late 2000s.) ...That'll be relevant for, like, one whole line when she's thinking about Stregoni benefici and going 'huh nice to know somebody out there can imagine vampires being good, definitely never heard of that before.' Not really important, but I had to mention it, sorry! :"D
Chapter 8
Suspicions
For once, Lily skipped dinner. When her father looked concerned about it, she told him that she'd had a late lunch at the beach. He was too distracted by the basketball game to suggest a bowl of cereal or notice anything else strange about her, besides her lack of appetite. She said goodnight, and that she was going to her room to read until bedtime. That too was not a lie—she planned to do a lot of reading tonight. That is, unless the terrible internet had anything to say about it.
The modem was outdated, the free service was substandard, and dialing up took so long, Lily decided to shower while she waited. She sang to keep herself from thinking—softly, so that her dad wouldn't hear. Not so much for fear of disturbing his game, but, well...for fear of being heard. Hilarious irony: a choir singer who couldn't stand to be caught singing. She didn't know what was wrong with her, but there had to be something.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a watched computer never boots. She figured that taking her eyes off the thing would have it done in fifteen minutes, but no. It was still booping and beeping along when she got back in the room. She yanked the towel off her head, shrugged, and got dressed with overdone nonchalance; a part of her hoped the old "fine, I don't even care" trick would work, but no dice there either. Boop...beep...nada. It was as if the darn thing knew exactly how anxious she was to get online.
Lily went to the shelf beside her bed. It wasn't the kind of reading she had intended, but it would do until her computer finished. She went through the titles, then repeated the process with her standards lowered. She would pull out a book, get a few paragraphs in, and toss it aside. Well, since the novel wasn't working…. She picked up a well-worn volume of Calvin and Hobbes and was surprised when it managed to hold her attention for a considerable amount of time, or maybe the computer had finally decided to kick the dial-up into gear.
Lily rose off the floor without bothering to put any of her reading material back. She sat down in the hard folding chair and thought for the millionth time how she needed to get something more comfortable. Then it was time to play pop-up ad barrage. After closing all the little windows and then repeating the process once again when she had opened the browser, she typed in one word—vampire.
...The house was completely silent by the time Lily finally shut off the computer. The whole world had gone quiet, like her room was underwater. She'd been sitting there for hours, but she hardly felt any pain in her stiff body. Honestly, she didn't feel much of anything at all.
She walked over to her window. The light from the bedside lamp was still on, so she couldn't see out into the black night beyond the glass. There was nothing but a reflection of her oddly pale face. Her expression looked grim. Blank, but grim.
Her eyes landed on the latch that would lock the window. Her hand twitched as she considered locking it…. But she decided to act brave—maybe pretending would make her feel better.
Lily turned away from the dark view of nothing, turned out her light, and crawled into bed. She felt cold, and she would wake up cold a few hours later when she had the first nightmare.
She had been in the woods, looking for the tidepools to begin with. The dream had quickly grown more ominous, however. Wolves howled in the distance. A white face appeared in her mind, and she began to run. She tripped over tree roots almost constantly and scrambled to get up, certain each time she fell that it would be her last.
Something was chasing her.
Something...or maybe someone.
"Not what," a voice echoed in her ears. "Who."
The cold ones.
"Edward," she screamed in the dream. Was that who was chasing her? "Edward!" She wasn't sure, and for some reason, that frightened her more than anything else. "Edward!"
A wolf howled, and suddenly Lily realized that she wasn't running from Edward. She was looking for him. He wasn't here, but something dangerous was. A danger that wasn't him. She would be in no trouble if she found him, but he might be if she didn't.
"Lily!" she heard him shout. His voice sounded panicked. She spun around, disoriented.
Was he afraid for himself, or for her?
Mike's voice echoed this time. "I don't know what happened," it said with equal panic, and then, in a more demanding tone, "Lily, where have you been?"
"Mike?"
"Lily, where are you?"
She didn't want Mike. She wanted Edward.
Lily ran deeper into the forest. A wolf howled from somewhere behind her.
She screamed Edward's name, but nothing came out. The wolf howled louder, closer. It was a werewolf, and she had to find Edward, because he was in danger, because….
He was a vampire.
The werewolf howled right behind her back, and she screamed, knowing it would be there when she turned around. That's when she woke up.
Lily sat on the bed, panting as if she'd run a mile. She'd never had a nightmare that did that to her before. She fumbled on the nightstand for her lamp, nearly knocking it over in the process. Once the light was on, she sat up in bed, her great-grandma's quilt tucked tightly under her chin. She kept her eyes away from the window, wishing she was brave enough to go over and lock it, or to get up and grab her CD player.
At least she had been brave in her dream...although the bravery had definitely been oddly-placed. It was bizarre, wanting to run to a vampire when the werewolves were the good guys. Wanting to help that vampire was even more bizarre. Lily told herself that it was just a dream, no real reason for her wanting to find Edward, to protect him and stay with him….
But she always was a terrible liar, even to herself. One of these days, if she wasn't careful, she would tell a fib to Jessica or Angela, and they would see through it and realize they couldn't trust her.
She wouldn't lie to Edward though. She wanted his trust. She wanted his admiration and his laughter and his smile...even if she shouldn't have wanted any of that at all.
At that point, Lily plopped her head down on the pillow with a groan.
The dream bothered her, but it didn't confuse her. She knew exactly why she had run in search of the vampire instead of away from him. She wasn't scared of Edward Cullen, even now when she was almost certain what he was. Vampire or not, she wanted to be near him, because she liked him a whole lot more than she should have, if she were guarding herself against heartbreak...and that was scarier than anything else.
When she woke up in the morning around noon, she was starving. She was also determined to once again think as little as possible about anything even remotely heavy. The best way to do that was to get out of the house. She got dressed; grabbed a scarf, her wallet, her sketchbook and zippered pouch of art supplies, and two twenties; stuffed it all in her satchel; and greeted her truck with a fond pat on the dashboard. Time to roll out.
She ate at a diner. It was a lot better than a McDonald's breakfast, at least. She sat at the table and sketched the salt and pepper shakers in different styles until the place began to fill up a little more.
After that, she took a walk through town, got some ice cream from JT's Sweet Stuff—and resisted purchasing a baker's dozen from their pastry selection—and then walked around some more...and some more…. The Behemoth was parked on the street with enough quarters in the meter to last at least four hours, but she barely managed to occupy herself for even two. There is, it need never be said, very little to do in downtown Forks, especially on a Sunday.
She passed by the library, but it was closed. Her kingdom for an aquarium or an art museum! Lily thought about visiting her father, but she didn't want to risk bothering him when he was busy. Plus, he might start to think he wasn't spending enough time with her or something, if she came and tracked him down like that.
Lily gave up and got back in the truck.
She hadn't needed a scarf after all. It was cloudy but not too cold really, even for her Southern blood, and not drizzling for once either. That thought decided the rest of her afternoon: she would spend it outside. She contemplated working on her Macbeth paper, but she'd knocked out a brief draft the evening it had been assigned, and doing any more than that this far from the deadline wouldn't be good for her procrastinator status, would it?
Lily grabbed a large bath towel and a book—Little House in the Big Woods—and went out to the yard. She settled herself down with forced contentment and read. She bowed her head...and read. She put her face three inches away from the page...and...read….
Ugh, it was no use. She snapped the book shut and flopped onto her back. Her mind just couldn't rest in the words on the page, because there was something obscuring her vision every time she tried to read them. A pair of golden eyes. They stared at her with a perplexed expression, as if demanding to know what she would do. ...What would she do? Lily hadn't decided that yet, and she'd been trying not to think about that fact all day long.
Well. She might as well get it over with now.
The upside-down forest had caught her interest as she stared off into space. Lily rolled over onto her stomach now and looked at the dark green trees for a moment. Then she lifted herself off the towel, dropped the book on the ground, and walked straight out of her yard and into the encroaching line of firs.
The woods were lovely, dark, and deep, and if she wanted any sleep that night, Lily knew she'd need to pick a spot and have a long hard think. Going somewhere secluded always helped her with that. Of course, her yard was technically secluded, but...there was more to her spur-of-the-moment hike than needing a quiet place for contemplation.
She walked into the shadowy, almost forbidding forest armed with nothing but gray sneakers, her baggy blue sweatshirt, and a peculiar sense of determination. This was the wrong place to go to think about scary stories, but it was as if she wanted to get spooked. She tossed her head stubbornly and picked up her knees as she walked, like a soldier marching bravely into the unknown. Lily wasn't scared, just unsettled, and she would prove it to herself by holding her brainstorm in the spookiest place possible.
It wasn't long at all before she couldn't see her house anymore. All at once, she was submerged in a different, far more ancient world—much like the woods back at La Push, only this time it was sans the adolescent laughter and therefore any sort of cheer. The only sound was the squish of her sneakers and the jarring cry of jays. The world was muted, like somebody had put invisible ear muffs on her. Even the flap of bird wings seemed loud, and suddenly she was working to make her footsteps as quiet as possible.
Lily stuck to the thin ribbon of a trail that wound deeper and deeper into the woods, curling around trees as it went. She loved trees. Besides the rain, they were one of the things she had missed most about Mobile. These, of course, were much more intimidating figures than the friendly Southern varieties. Sitka spruces and scrubby yews, moss-covered maples and bushy hemlocks. They were like old men with gray-green beards, and Lily felt the disapproval of their blind gazes as she snapped their twigs underfoot. One of them had fallen over just off the trail. She took a seat, patting the barkless surface in thanks. Another tree grew right behind it, just perfect for leaning against. Like a natural forest chair. Unconcerned with the dampness that would soak into her clothes, Lily leaned back and absorbed the woodland scene into which she had intruded.
The silence was almost its own kind of sound—not even the jays called anymore. It was raining above the forest, judging by the few determined drops that made it through the thick canopy; they landed with miniscule plops on the fronds of ferns that rose high above Lily's head, now that she was sitting. Adrenaline splashed through her, both in the thrill of being so completely hidden, and in dread of the subject matter she had come here to digest.
Surrounded on all sides by impenetrable green, just like in her nightmare, it was easier to believe the tale that Jake had told her and the stories she had read. The forest was as ancient as all those legends…. Varacolaci. Nelapsi. Stregoni benefici. Vampires…. Lily tipped her head back against the soggy bark and thought about the research she had very nearly memorized. The plot of one of the world's most famous plays required her to keep extensive notes, but, oh, do a little myth hunting and her mind turned into a steel trap. Typical.
The Romanian Varacolaci. A powerful undead being who could appear as a beautiful, pale skinned human.
The Slovakian Nelapsi. A creature so strong and fast, it could massacre an entire village in the one hour following midnight.
Stregoni benefici. An Italian vampire said to be on the side of goodness, and a mortal enemy of all evil vampires.
Out of the three, the last one had the least information, but it gave Lily the most relief. There was an odd comfort in knowing that there was at least one mythos allowing for the possibility of good vampires.
It had sounded ridiculous the night before. Good vampires? The consideration seemed absurd, especially with only one contradictory myth out of the dozens...and yet…. So many things had been vilified throughout human history just because people didn't understand them. Other races were seen as untrustworthy and brutish, the study of medicine outside the church was viewed as sorcery, a nonconforming woman was a witch—the list could go on and on. Wouldn't it be the most natural thing for human beings to revile someone who was not just a different race, but an entirely different species?
The obvious disparity with that, however, was that the species in question did appear to be higher up the food chain. Like sharks or lions or bears—it seemed wise to be afraid.
Except that Lily wasn't.
She was sitting here alone in the woods, asking herself if the Cullens were vampires, and she wasn't afraid at all. The silence was piercing, but peaceful. The solitude had her adrenaline in high gear, but it wasn't unpleasant. She felt alive, the way Marie Curie must have felt after her epic discovery in spite of its life-threatening implications.
There were still a million questions though, like why they could go out during the day, and whether they actually burned in the sun—Forks was a brilliant place to come if that was the case. Garlic and crosses and holy water, it was probably all the stuff of legend, but how did she know? There was only one person she could hope to answer her questions, and he should have been the one person she would resolve to avoid from now on.
Go back to school and speak to him as little as possible. Cancel the trip to Seattle and resume her normal lunch seat. No more chit-chat in Biology beyond what politeness deemed absolutely necessary, and no explanation as to why she would be the one pretending he didn't exist this time. It was the safest and the sanest thing to do...but just picturing that scenario nearly gave her a physical shock of pain. Her chest ached and her throat squeezed and her nose twinged with the threat of tears. To never see his lopsided smile again or to make him laugh…. It was almost concerning how much the thought hurt. Her head should have been full of alarm bells, but all she could do was shake it urgently and move on to a more bearable scenario.
...Which was what, exactly? If ending their strange, short-lived, slightly antagonistic acquaintanceship wasn't an option, then where did that leave her? Remaining friends with someone who may or may not dine out on blood? At the very least, he wasn't entirely human, or at least not human enough to have gotten himself squished by a van when he….
Lily smiled all of a sudden. That's right—the van. She'd be nothing more than an unpleasant spot on Tyler's retired ride right now if it weren't for Edward.
She remembered the disapproving looks on his family's faces that had seemed so out of place at the time. Obviously what he had done wasn't a normal occurrence, or a very acceptable one, if the look of fury from the blonde had been anything to go by. And yet he had done it anyway.
She could have told everyone what she had seen. She would have sounded crazy to most people, but there was bound to be someone who would've started to wonder, and if the Cullens were already as ostracized as Charlie seemed to think, she might have been able to create a very...uncomfortable situation for Edward's family. So why then? Why would he risk it all to save a nobody like her? For that matter, why would his family want to live among humans in the first place when, it stood to reason, they could have had free rein in the shadows?
Lily dismissed the idea that it might have been because there were easy pickins' in Forks. No, that wasn't it. She had met people who could pull off such a facade before: charismatic parents who lost custody of their kids when it came out that they were abusers; charming girls who acted friendly one day only to make fun of you the next; and cheerful strangers who tried to chat with you so their partners could run up behind your friend and grab her purse. In each encounter, there had been a fundamental sense of unease from the beginning which had shocked her with its accuracy in hindsight. There hadn't been an ounce of that sneaky, sickly feeling when she spoke to Mrs. Cullen or Dr. Cullen or their broody, unfathomable son—Edward definitely hadn't been charming enough for that.
She might have been a dunce about reading social cues and interpreting body language, but when it came to the stuff that really mattered, her gut had never once been wrong. Lily shut her eyes and listened carefully to it now—her gut, not her heart, because the latter quaked a little every time she envisioned putting an invisible barrier between it and Edward Cullen. She would have to go with whatever her intuition decided, for better or worse. The world held its breath while her gut spoke...and it growled to say that it wanted dinner, great, not very helpful, thank you gut.
She sighed and stood up. The theatrics weren't necessary. She already knew what her gut-feeling was—she'd had the same one since the first time she realized her lab partner was dangerous, the same day he had warned her to avoid him.
Edward Cullen wasn't a bad person. He might not be human...but no, he wasn't bad.
Well. The hard part was over with, then. Lily wasn't good at decision making, although she was very good at making those decisions as last-minute as possible, but now that she had, things were simple. The familiar feeling of que sera sera was almost comforting, really. It was the same one she would get when there wasn't time to study the night before an exam, or her choir was about to sing a piece they hadn't practiced enough. There was hope that the prior study sessions would be good enough for the test, and that the tenors wouldn't skip to the modulation early and send them all into cacophony, but there was also a sense of devil-may-care.
Lily smiled with bittersweet nostalgia and began the trek back to her house. She hummed as she walked, and when even that sounded too loud for the forest, she lifted her voice and sang. Latin filled the still green air, and rain drops shook down from the affronted fir trees, but she didn't mind. Come what may, she would get to see Edward tomorrow, and that made her happy.
The next morning greeted Lily with bright light once again. She frowned out the window on principle, but really she wasn't that offended, especially with the cute little white clouds drifting through the sky. She could picture the fresh breeze that sped them along much faster than they seemed to be moving, and she smiled in anticipation of a gorgeous day, even without any rain.
She took the stairs three at a time when she came down. Her dad heard the thumping and raised his eyebrows at her when she leapt into the kitchen; she had risen early enough to eat breakfast with him, yay!
"Nice day out," he remarked with a tiny smile.
Lily did a jubilant spin on the tile floor in her socks. When she came to a stop, her father was tensed in his chair and watching her with concern. He expected her to fall on her butt like she did half the time, but nope.
"I'm happier than a cop at a fish fry," she quipped. Her dad's brown eyes crinkled at the edges, even as he rolled them at her—she seemed to inspire that more than any other reaction in the people around her. Even with his receding hairline and dwindling curls, it was easy to see a bit of the boy with whom a romantic young Renée had eloped when she was just two years older than Lily was now.
She leisurely ate her Trix cereal, watched the dusty sunlight, and read another chapter of Little House in the Big Woods. She was in such a good mood, she stopped her father on his way out the door and demanded a hug. He grumbled but complied. She pressed her face into his warm chest and made zippy noises with her fingernails on his dark blue nylon jacket. He sighed but gave a few dutiful back pats anyway.
When it was her turn to vamoose some time later, she remembered that her dad had been wearing his rain jacket and so decided to bring hers too. You can't be too careful in a place like Forks. Lily laughed at the absurdity of such a thought.
She was determined to enjoy as much of the day as she could before school stuffed her inside a brick building, even if driving with the windows down meant a hopelessly messy hair day. It took way more strength than it should have just to roll down her driver's side window; no way was she gonna try the other one. It was good enough though. The air was fresh as a rainy breeze, and the cool wind whipped her hair around like a fair ride as she sped to school—not because she was late for class, but because she was excited for it. The faster the day got started, the sooner she would see Edward again. He might even invite her over to their own private lunch table like before. Lily nodded her head seriously as she raced a yellow light at thirty miles an hour—literally flying—and decided that she wouldn't bring up what she knew until there was a really good time for it. ...Like maybe after school, if he wanted to hang out. She would gladly put her English paper off until the last night possible, if it was for such a worthy cause.
Lily was earlier than she thought she'd be. She parked her truck in the lot and then parked herself on a bench outside the cafeteria. She had a few trig problems that still needed finishing from her homework the night before, but it was only one or two. When she was done with that, she doodled. The red-barked trees with sunlight on them were difficult to capture with just a graphite pencil, and yet, for some reason, the shade of Edward's eyes wasn't. It felt like she would know that the color was gold, like she would know the precise shade, just by looking at the gradient of gray. Soon the margins of her page were covered with light gray eyes. She couldn't wait to see them in person again.
"Lily!" somebody called.
"Yo," she called back before shutting her notebook and looking up.
Mike was walking over with a cheerful trot. She glanced around and realized that not only had the school become much more populated in what felt like a mere five minutes, but that everyone was dressed the same way. T-shirts and jeans and even a few pairs of shorts. Mike's shorts were khaki and his long-sleeved shirt was striped. It reminded her of the host of a popular kid's show, although Mike's shirt was yellow and red instead of green. The yellow was almost exactly the same shade as his spiky hair in the sunlight.
He plopped beside her on the bench, and Lily couldn't help but meet his irresistible grin with one of her own. It was such a nice day, she didn't even think about the weird way he'd acted at the beach...much.
"I never noticed before—your hair has red in it," he commented, reaching over to catch a strand.
"Does it? Maybe the sun just makes it look like that. Or maybe I'm part Irish or something."
Mike lifted his eyebrows at her—his hand was still close to her face, although she was careful not to look at it—and said in a cheesy accent, "Top o' the mornin' to ya."
Lily laughed. It was a genuine laugh, but it stopped when Mike tucked the strand behind her ear, his fingers trailing a little. That was weird, right? It wasn't just her imagination? She tried to keep smiling anyway, and she definitely didn't think of how different it would have been if Edward had done the same thing, because then she would start to blush and Mike might take that the wrong way….
It appeared that he did. His face shifted into tomato mode after he glanced down at her cheeks. She looked away from him quickly.
"So, uh, Lily. Will you…. Would you wanna maybe…."
Uh oh.
"Hey, real quick," she instinctively cut him off with an overdone look of concern, "can you tell me what you're doing your paper on? I'm not sure my topic is good enough."
"Oh. That's due Thursday, right?" He looked a little bemused, but she wasn't sure if it was because of the paper or her interruption.
"Uh oh, nope. It's tomorrow."
Mike's eyes bugged out a bit. "Oh. Uh, I guess I'll have to work on that tonight...but…." He glanced up and down from the ground a few times with a smile that looked a little tense. "I was actually going to ask you if you wanted to go out."
Lily blinked in sync with her stomach flip. Looks like her gut feeling had been right yet again. She'd been better at dodging the question than answering it. Her mouth opened and shut as she floundered for a reply.
Her stunned silence must not have looked that stunned to Mike, however, because his smile turned hopeful when he continued, "Well, we could go to dinner or something...and I could work on it later."
He kept smiling even as the silence grew longer and more awkward, until finally she said, "Mike, uh...I'm super flattered, but, um…." But what, but what, what reason could she—aha! "But there's just one thing! And...well, I'm probably breaking all kinds of girl code to tell you, actually, so if you ever tell anyone that I did…." Lily smacked her fist against the other hand menacingly even as she tried to keep her face playful; it probably just looked pensive instead. "I can't because—because it would hurt...somebody's feelings."
He looked bewildered and a little hurt himself.
"You don't have to make stuff up just to say no," he grumbled dolefully and dropped his eyes to the ground. He kicked the cement a little. Lily's heart lurched. Ugh, this sucked—she didn't want to hurt him or anything!
But she also didn't want to go out with him, or lead him on for that matter, so she shrugged off a voice that said she might be committing treason and insisted, "No, seriously. Just...think about someone who might have asked you to the dance, and ask yourself why she might have asked you. Like, if maybe she liked you?" There, that wasn't betraying Jessica, was it? Really, if anything, she was doing her friend a favor by giving her crush a push in the right direction.
"Jessica?"
Lily grinned—apparently she wasn't the only one who could be oblivious when it came to social cues.
She shrugged. "Who can say? I sure didn't. Right?"
"Oh. Right."
He continued to stare at her, his jaw a little slack. She shifted from one foot to the other, and then, when the lack of conversation got too awkward for her to bear, "Whoops, we better get going," she remarked. It didn't sound very casual, but oh well. She was a choir kid, not a theater kid.
Mike stayed silent as they walked to building three. He looked distracted; at least, Lily hoped it was distraction and not despondence or anything. She wondered whether she had done the right thing or simply acted selfishly.
Jessica was practically bursting with excitement in Trig, but it didn't have anything to do with Mike. She and Ange were going to Port Angeles to hunt down some dresses for the dance, and she wanted Lily to come too. Of course, there wasn't a point since she wasn't going to the dance...but there was also no way she was going to miss a girl's night out—her very first one! The only problem was Lauren, who would also be there. Still, it didn't stop Lily from accepting the invitation with nearly enough enthusiasm to equal Jessica's, although the emotion had less to do with Port Angeles than it did with the upcoming lunch break.
Spanish went by as slowly as she had expected it to. Lily was practically shaking her desk with impatience as the last five minutes of class ticked by—and then an extra minute despite the prompt buzz of the bell. Jessica gave her a knowing smirk with sky-high eyebrows when she finally shot out the door, but thankfully her friend didn't address Lily's eagerness to get to lunch. Jess kept up with her fast pace and kept up the chatter too, but it was extremely difficult to pay attention as they walked—not fast enough! Lily wished she could have run.
The suspense was downright painful. All the stories were flying through her head, all the questions chasing behind them. It was going to be hard not to spill her guts. She wanted to know the truth. She wanted him to trust her. But even more than that...she just wanted to see him.
For better or worse, however, this would be the second time she walked into the lunchroom and had all her expectations flattened. Or was it the third? Lily was starting to lose count.
Not one, but all of the Cullens were missing from their table. Her eyes immediately shot over to where she and Edward had sat the other day, and that was empty too. Her stomach bottomed out. She didn't get more than a soda and couldn't even find the strength to act attentive anymore; if Jessica noticed, she was too nice to say. She could probably guess why her friend was suddenly so bummed. Desolate was a better word for it, the same way Lily had been afraid Mike would feel this morning. It had been such a lovely morning too, and now she realized how little that actually had to do with the refreshing weather at all. The weather was probably the exact reason Edward and his family weren't here to begin with, the perfect excuse for extending their family camping trip, and who could blame them? Everyone was enjoying the gloriously sunny day...everyone except for her.
Stupid sunshine. Stupid Goat Rocks. Stupid her for wanting him to be here so badly and being so badly disappointed when he wasn't. She put her head down on the table with a groan and gave up on trying to convince herself that she wasn't obsessed with Edward Cullen for all the wrong reasons—if being obsessed because he might be a mythical creature could be called the right reason. She wanted to know more than just what he was. She wanted to know who he was.
Geez, Lily. Cheesy much? Pathetic much? Anyone would have thought she had an actual crush on him, like Jessica pining for Mike. She needed to calm the heck down and put him out of her mind. ...But she couldn't help it. She couldn't have stopped thinking about him anymore than she could have pretended he was a perfectly normal guy.
Ugh. Maybe he would sense how weird she was being and stop speaking to her altogether. ...Or….
Or maybe he wouldn't have to. Maybe he was gone because he could tell she was getting too close to the truth; after all, hadn't she realized only the night before how much he'd risked by rescuing her? And just the day before that, she went and accused him of having psychic powers. What if he had told his parents about it? What if they were worried about her knowing too much, saying too much? It wasn't just Edward's secret, if she was right about him. It was his whole family's. What if they thought it was a good idea to clear off before she figured out any more? They might already be miles and miles away, while all she could do was sit there and wonder if she had ruined everything with her big fat stupid mouth.
When Lily pictured not getting answers to all her suspicions, it drove her crazy. But when she pictured not being near Edward ever again, it broke her heart. That's how she knew she was really in trouble. Deep trouble.
Angela was nice enough to ask if she was okay and wise enough to leave her alone after Lily dismissed her dismal mood under the guise of a stomach ache. She was feeling too crummy to even act like it was true or to feel bad about fibbing. If this were middle school, she would have gone to the office and faked nausea so her mom would come and get her.
The rest of the day passed that way, with Lily tuning out her friends and wondering if the Cullens would ever come back. A rotten day. And it had started off so well….
At least there was the Port Angeles trip to look forward to, if only as a distraction from her gnawing worry. She consoled herself with that, until she got home and Jessica immediately called to postpone their plans for a day, all because Mike had asked her to dinner exactly as Lily had hoped he would. What hilarious irony. The day went from downright dismal to absolutely abysmal.
It probably wasn't a good night to pick something complicated to cook, so she wouldn't. Probably not a good night to email her mother either...but she really had to, after reading just a few of the most recent messages. Tonight, but not right now. With the mood Lily was in, she'd be answering her mom's snippy emails with more than a little snippiness of her own.
She went over to the pile of CDs on her desk. On the top was All Things Wonderful, a vaguely Christmas-themed album that had come from Starbucks of all places. Listening to it in the car with her mom was the first time she'd ever heard Gymnopédie No. 1. It was one of her favorite pieces, making this the one CD that never failed to calm her down. Lily dug out her old headphones from the messy desk drawer, turned on her small blue CD player, and flopped down on her bed.
Her mind drifted to the gentle music, and it drifted comfortably, up until Gymnopédie. It was arranged for the guitar, but the original piano floated through her mind while it played and brought her back to Debussy in a Volvo in the rain. The drifting wasn't so comfortable after that. No matter how hard she tried to focus on the rest of the music, it ended up turning into Edward Cullen's words. His pensive golden eyes were there when she closed hers, and the secrets they held taunted her with impossibilities.
The next piece started, and a tenor began to sing "In Dulci Jubilo." She remembered listening to the carol over and over again when she was twelve, but it just irritated her now. Lily yanked off her headphones and tried not to imagine what Edward Cullen's singing voice would sound like. She felt sure he was a tenor though. If she really had succeeded in chasing him away, she would never know for sure.
It was a silly thought, the Cullens moving away without any warning, all because of some nobody like her. ...But, like a nighttime shadow in her room, it grew more solid and frightening the longer she considered it.
Well, she just wouldn't consider it then.
Lily stomped down to the kitchen, turned the oven to 450, and dragged her heels all the way back up the stairs. Her mom wouldn't get much patience today, but it would be more than she would've gotten if her daughter hadn't taken a breather first.
Hi Mom,
Sorry for not writing sooner (but please calm down, neither of us is dying haha). My week so far: I went to the beach and ran into one of my old friends, which was great. I've also been writing a paper, which is why I haven't emailed you recently. I'm going to Port Angeles soon with some friends, which should be fun. Today was sunny, which was nice.
Right now I've got a pizza in the oven, which is about to be done, so I've got to go. Sorry again for not writing sooner/more. I'll follow up soon as I can to make up for it, but reminder that nagging me does not help me write faster haha.
Love you lots and miss you bunches,
Lily
Done and sent. Maybe more passive aggressive than it needed to be, but at least she wasn't mean...she hoped. It was always hard to tell what would set her mother off; she was so flighty. Of course, Lily was probably the exact same way, not that it helped her at all. "It takes one to know one" did not seem to provide any advantage with Renée.
The pizza wasn't quite a lie. It was about to be done—in twenty minutes or so. Lily got it out of the freezer, put it on the counter...and then stood there, arms braced, head hung low. She gripped the counter and dragged in a thin, shuddering breath. There was a lump in her throat, but she didn't fight it down. Her eyes began to sting, but she didn't do anything to stop them.
It was no good. No good at all.
She slammed the pizza into the oven and ran back up to her room. When she came back down just a few moments later, it was with an air of defiance in spite of the tears. Under one arm was a threadbare quilt from the linen closet, and under the other, her sketchbook with a pencil between its pages. That was all she needed.
Lily marched out into the yard and threw the blanket on the ground, not even bothering to straighten it or wipe her eyes before flopping firmly down. The sunlight was warm and bright, and it played over the trees in a way that just begged to be drawn, but she ignored it entirely.
Instead, she drew Edward. She drew the statuesque proportions of his face—strong jaw, angular cheekbones, and straight, aristocratic nose. She sketched the shadows that softened his features, and the tangle of bronze hair that fell across his forehead. His eyes and lips she saved for last. A gentle, crooked smile made the drawing come alive, and a pair of piercing eyes made his face leap off the page. Sunlight weighed on the paper, turning the irises golden—her heart fluttered as she shaded them, although her hand never even shook, not once. Lily realized she was smiling...but when she finished drawing, the smile fell.
There was an ache between her stomach and her chest; it didn't feel like where her heart should be, but oh well. The ache turned into a sob, and then another, and another. She cried over the open sketchbook. Tears rained around Edward's face, and she cried harder when one of them touched his cheek and blurred the lines.
She had known this boy for how long? Nowhere near long enough for these kinds of dramatics. Sobbing because she had made the wild assumption that she might never see him again, weeping because she had ruined a drawing of him...ugh! When the hell had she given in so completely to teen drama? Why did it feel like her heart was being sucked out of her chest? It was just a drawing, even if it was surprisingly well done. He was just a boy, even if he was intelligent, funny, intriguing, eloquent—and had the most melodious laugh she'd ever heard, the most mesmerizing eyes, the sweetest smile….
She also had a feeling that he wasn't as cool and collected as he appeared. He might actually be shy, or secretly anxious. He might sing and love Classical music, or he might play the drums and listen to Rock. For all she knew, he might also like puns and trees and rain, or nothing like that at all—but she never would know, if he didn't come back.
"Please," Lily wept like a pathetic wreck. She laid her head on her arms. "Please come back."
It was a pretty idiotic request, knowing what she knew, and it was idiotic to cry about it on the grass like a sad teenage hippy. She didn't care. He was just a friend—and not even a human friend, potentially—but her heart broke nonetheless. Lily cried herself into a torpor, and she dreamed of Edward Cullen.
He came to life out of her drawing. He was standing in her yard. She called him, and he whispered her name. Was he there to say goodbye? She cried, but he just stood and stared at her, his face impassive. His skin faded from white to gray with graphite for shadows and lines. His eyes became paper with sunlight on them. She begged him not to go. He stood there like a paper doll, one breath away from crumpling.
Lily startled awake. For a moment, she expected him to actually be there. He wasn't, of course, so she put her head back down on her arms.
There was a noise like a snapping branch, but she didn't lift her head. Maybe she could doze off again and see more of Edward—his smile, this time….
A gun went off.
Lily jumped up like a rocket, gasping too hard to swear. What the hell was that? Someone shooting? ...No. On second thought, it had sounded more like a pop—sharp and loud, and way too close to her for comfort, but not the hollow explosion of a gun being fired. She looked around, frightened and bewildered. Had something smacked into one of the windows? A bird? A rock? The glass didn't look cracked anywhere….
She was still trying to think what it could have been when she noticed something else. She sniffed the air. For a second, she thought it was gun powder, but—no, that was something burning. Something distinctly...tomato-y. ...Uh oh.
Another gasp, and Lily was tripping over the blanket and her own two feet as she ran to the kitchen. She fell flat on her chest, her chin missing the cement step by inches and hitting grass instead. Smoke wafted out when she opened the door. How long had she been asleep?
The pizza wasn't quite on fire, but it was close enough, blackened and near combustion. The melting cheese had made small fires on the bottom of the oven, but those burned out on their own. The charred remains of her poor pizza went unceremoniously into the trash—she hoped it wouldn't melt anything.
It was probably gonna be a while before her dad let her cook without him in the house, but she was grateful that he had a house to come home to at all. Who could say what would have happened if she hadn't woken up when she did?
She'd burned one of her fingers grabbing the pan with a towel. Lily held it under water now and let one or two melodramatic tears drip down her face just because it hurt...and then she smiled. Crying had been just the thing, even if it hadn't fixed diddly-squat. Everything felt a little lighter and clearer, like the world after rain, and she could think rationally again.
She would make mustard balsamic pork chops like she had planned to, with some baby carrots and corn for the sides. She would go back up and give her mom a more in-depth and positive take on her week, and she would blast the Classical channel at full volume on her dad's radio. It was time to put bleak possibilities and their troubling implications out of her head. There was nothing she could do, no way to know whether Edward was coming back or not, and there was an odd peace in that. Again, she recalled the que sera sera feeling of knowing she wouldn't finish her homework on time. Nostalgic nihilism. Or maybe she was just being dramatic again.
Charlie walked into a house full of thick smoke and piano music. He was immediately, understandably concerned. When she smiled at him in spite of her puffy eyes and told him dinner would be delayed but delicious, he just shook his head and fled to the living room, muttering all the way. Teenagers and their mysteries. She didn't envy her poor father. Hopefully the pork chops would make up for it some.
They took dinner to the living room and watched a game. Her dad first suggested listening to "her music" while they ate, but she knew he'd hate that. He also offered to change the channel when they sat down on the couch, but she just stuck her tongue out at him and quipped, "Then we'd both be miserable." She was joking—and she had to tell him so about five different times after that. Basketball wasn't her thing, but eating peacefully with her father was. She even got into the game after a while, though she didn't understand any of it. It was still fun watching the feats of athleticism and seeing her father so engaged.
"Mm—hey, Dad," Lily said through her last bite of pork chop. They had turned out mostly okay. Too much rosemary, she thought, but her father said he didn't notice. "I just remembered. I'm going shopping with some friends—well, they are, although I guess I might look for some books or music while I'm there. They're just looking for outfits for the, um, y'know…. Anyway, Port Angeles. Tomorrow night. Is that okay?"
"Hm. ...Who?"
"My friends Jessica and Angela—and one other girl, but, uh…."
He stared at her.
"You know," she insisted. "Jessica Stanley and Angela Webber? You've heard me talk about them before." Lily sighed and gave up when his face still didn't show much recognition. Her spectacular talent for forgetting names definitely hadn't come from her mom.
Charlie rubbed his chin and hummed. "Hm…. I don't know, Lills. It is a school night."
"I wouldn't be out too late. We're leaving right after school. Please? Pretty please?" She turned around to face him, her knees tucked underneath her and her hands clasped in the praying-or-pleading lock; she tucked them under her chin and said, "It'll be the very first Girl Time I've ever had in my life! Well, besides from, like, painting nails with Mom, I mean."
He frowned and looked a little uncomfortable, as if just the mention of Girl Time put him out of his depth.
"...All right. Just be careful, okay?"
"Yes sir, officer! I'll give you dibs on the leftovers so you don't starve." Lily hugged his arm. He grumbled but didn't resist. "Thanks, Dad."
Later that evening, she knocked out her paper, read a little, and took a long, relaxing shower. It was the perfect recipe for a stress-free night and a restful sleep. Instead of that, she tossed and turned for what felt like hours before sleep ever kicked in, and once it did, she woke up over and over again. Lily wanted to blame it on a lack of rain...but she knew the real reason. More forest dreams, although these didn't have any werewolves at least. Just like before, however, she was chasing after Edward, calling his name without any hopeful results.
It was sunny yet again the next morning. All of Forks was probably celebrating the freakishly good weather, minus just one member of the population. Lily lifted her window all the way—it went much more easily than she thought it would, considering it hadn't been opened in forever—and stuck her head out to glower at the sky. Not a cloud in sight. She felt like shaking a fist up there, but Chief Swan didn't need people knowing how crazy his daughter was. He'd have to keep her locked up like a bat in the attic to avoid shaming their proud family name. Oh, the tragedy.
Lily was torn between telling herself that Edward might be at school, and betting on the likelihood that he wouldn't be. She never did figure out why the Cullens could walk around in broad daylight—well, cloud-light. Hope filled her heart up like a balloon when she realized that the weather and his absence could have been connected. Edward might have been staying indoors with the rest of his family to avoid a fate like her frozen pizza. Maybe he was just absent and not gone forever...and maybe she was just plain stupid for wanting him to come back.
It felt strange to think about her friend, the potential vampire, when she had such a pedestrian view of the world laid out in front of her. A middle-aged man with a beer belly was taking his tiny white poodles for a walk. He stopped to talk to a woman in a fuzzy red robe who was leaning against her mailbox and smoking. Down the street, a mother packed her toddler into a station wagon that needed a new coat of paint. The sun was shining and birds were singing. A car backfired somewhere.
Lily shook her head and wondered yet again if she was nothing but a nut. She wouldn't know for sure until she talked to Edward, and she wouldn't know if he was at school until lunchtime—and she wouldn't even be able to ask him what she wanted to until they were really alone, ugh!
...Pfft. Planning alone time with a maybe-vampire. Yeah, she was crazy.
A plain yellow t-shirt with dark wash jeans was her intended outfit for the day. She got halfway down the stairs, remembered Port Angeles, and raced back up with a smile. The nicest warm-weather thing she had was a soft brown blouse—well, more like a fancy shirt—with white lace at the elbows and along the bottom, which hung down long enough to hide her ponch. She still wore her jeans though; it was nice not to have to shave. Tan colored flats completed the ensemble. She skipped back down the stairs feeling airy and free, slipped halfway down, and walked the rest of the way with her hand on the rail. Breaking her leg and missing Girl Time was a no-go.
The smile faded as the hours passed. There had been no Volvo in the parking lot that morning, and she hadn't glimpsed any Cullens dancing their way across campus. Nerves nipped at her heels. If he wasn't there, it either confirmed her vampire theory or pointed towards something far more frightening—the possibility of Edward never coming back. They were both a cause for anxiety, but when it came to the lesser of two evils, Lily knew which one she would prefer, hands down.
She held her breath as she walked into the lunchroom, and when the empty group of chairs socked her in the gut, Lily had to remind herself that there were two alternatives on the table, not one. Just because he wasn't there didn't mean he wasn't coming back.
To her surprise, she was able to focus on the lunchtime conversation and actually enjoy herself a little, especially when she learned that Lauren wouldn't be coming along to Port Angeles after all. She didn't even look over at the empty corner of the cafeteria more than once. Actually doing a good job, Lily, yay. ...Or maybe her brain was just rejecting the idea of him being gone forever, and she was in a state of denial. That seemed like a strong possibility when she got to Biology and felt the emptiness of his place beside her like a cold void. Ugh, more drama. Maybe she should have been a theater kid.
No matter what happened or who didn't show up before day's end, she was gonna enjoy the heck out of her time with Jess and Ange tonight. The thought kept her going even when she pictured herself driving to Seattle alone this weekend.
She drove home with Jessica following behind in her old white car; she could have worn the yellow T-shirt after all and just changed after school. Oh well. The fancy blouse had made her a little self-conscious, but now she was nice and used to it—perfectly prepared for a night on the town.
Once she was home, Lily ditched her books and the Behemoth, brushed her hair, stuffed a fistful of twenties in her pocket, and then jumped in Jessica's Mercury—she learned the name only when cars became a brief topic of their small talk. After a minute or so of initial awkwardness, their conversation quickly turned to more exciting fare. The restaurant for tonight's dinner, the stores they would visit, how nice the weather would be, etcetera. Jess even asked Lily what kind of books she was hoping to buy. Girl Time had officially begun!
Lily's excitement increased tenfold when Ange climbed into the vehicle not long after that. They talked for about five minutes before Jess cranked up the radio and started jamming along to a nasally rock ballad. Neither Angela nor Lily knew the words, but it didn't matter. Ange clapped along, and Lily caterwauled as badly as she could. It made her friends laugh—and then Jessica actually snorted, and the three of them started cackling like the witches from Macbeth. Lily didn't even feel sorry about leaving Forks behind. This was gonna be the best night of her life.
Sooo, this year we completely skipped winter where I live. Robins and daffodils at Christmas, buds on the trees in January, Japanese magnolias all burstin' into bloom...there's been only like two cold days and no freezes. Until now. Winter literally saved not just the coldest weather, but dadgum actual freezing rain for my birthday. We get like one freezing rain a year, and it picked this weekend. No picnics, no camping (I'm starting to think it's never gonna happen lol), and probably no driving either, depending on how bad it is. Insert Twilight joke about the dangers of ice and vehicles and bad luck here.
For anyone who's ACTUALLY having a winter, stay strong! And stay warm. Get some hot coco. Go cozy up with the Midnight Sun audiobook, if you need some cheering up. I thought the narrator should have been a little younger at first, but BOY does he do a PERFECT Edward. That's a voice that'll melt an iceberg.
I love you guys, whether you review or NOT :0 Hehehe. Peace out, buddies.