VIII. Isolation

You found someone more exciting
The next second, you were gone
And you left me there cryin', wonderin' what I did wrong
And you always say I'm never satisfied
But I don't think that's true
'Cause all I ever wanted was to be enough for you

Ascot Vionet. 13.
District Eight Female.
TW: Child abuse and guns

Just three more weeks until I'm safe… If anything can give Ascot hope, it's that— the fact that in just three weeks, she'll be shipped off to a new family again and she'll never have to live another with the Tamarinds… never have to deal with— shit…

She's late for breakfast again, Ascot rolls her eyes and drags herself out of her bed, if she could even call it that. Okay… take two, Ascot rolls her eyes and drags herself out of her cot hanging in the corner of a hallway, her bones cracking with lethargy when her feed collide with the wooden flooring, Probably because I didn't sleep well, but then again, Ascot hasn't slept these past few years. It's pretty tough to when Thyra and Stefan are always in the middle of a vocal civil war within ear reach and she doesn't even have a pillow to drown out their screams with. Whatever; it's fine!

She'll get through it, Ascot always has and this doesn't have to be any different. Besides, there's just three more weeks until she'll be out of this mess, though granted those three weeks contain the Reaping ceremony right in the middle of them… which is well… she'll be fine. And if Ascot is reaped, well… it's a quicker death than she'd get at any of the foster homes she's been floating between for her entire life.

As per usual, Ascot enters the kitchen for breakfast and immediately finds herself caught in the crossfire of whatever the hell they're arguing about now, Stefan's voice all stern when he says to her, "You agree, Ascot? Right?"

Agree with what? I don't even know what we're arguing about… but then again, when has she ever? Her lack of response triggers the man who should be a good father to bark at her again, "You agree, right?"

"About?" Finally, Ascot gives in and asks.

Like a gun shot from a bullet, Vienata who's just a year older than she is, though she acts like she's years wiser scoffs, "You wouldn't understand, Ascot. Your type never understands."

My… what? Ascot sighs. She means the fact that she's the forth or fifth foster child the Tamarinds have failed to raise without doing something to screw up and get the child taken away, but that doesn't mean Ascot's a different kind of person compared to the rest of them. She's human and they are too… but no, there's something about me that makes me worse. There has to be something about me that makes me worse, otherwise I wound't be stuck… like this.

Five foster homes in just thirteen years, that has to be Ascot's problem, not anybody else's. She hears the stories in the books, about orphans finding their forever homes and finally being able to breathe for the first time in their lives, but those are just that, stories. Because if they were true, then why's Ascot unable to be happy for more than a year and a half and why's she stuck getting her back spanked for talking wrong or talking too much, and why's she always told that she's so deficient? Clearly, it's her own problem that life continuously takes a beating to her, it must be a sign she's not cut out for it. Which is of course, why nobody'd ever dream of adopting her. After all, who wants a mess like her as a child?

"I'm sorry I don't understand," She looks around the kitchen for a bowl of cereal, the cheapest kind she can find because she doesn't want to waste Thyra and Stefan's hard earned money, especially when she's likely being overdramatic and really should appreciate the fact they've taken her in more because it's better than being stuck on the streets.

Ascot was stuck on the streets for a few weeks, after the whole incident with the Dressel family, all five of her "siblings" and her being forced to carry messages around the bad parts of town to their "parents'" rebel friends, and that ended well… about as bad as it could've ended.

If she thinks hard enough she can still remember how afraid she was when the Peacekeepers stopped her and Roewe on the side of the street as they walked home after a late night of playing carrier-pigeon.

A large man with a large weapon had his hand wrapped around her wrist, his voice nearly robotic when it said, "Take me to your parents. Dressel, right?"

Part of Ascot had hoped he'd just shoot her dead right then and there, then she wouldn't have to deal with… well everything else, yet of course, she couldn't be that lucky, because Ascot Vionet was never lucky.

And she was so afraid that she had done what the officer asked her to do, even if her palms were sweating and she could feel herself starting to breathe less and less, and then of course when they finally reached the Dressels' cottage, all hell broke loose.

The noise the gun made when the officer first fired's something Ascot swears will be seared in her brain like a tag on leather for the rest of her life, 'twas by far the loudest thing she'd ever heard up until then, but not as loud as the screams her siblings made, first Taffeta, then Penny, then Muslin, then Roewe who's last words were "Azzie, run!"

And run she did, as fast as her body could propel her until she reached a forest and draped herself by a tree and allowed the wind to cool her scalp… and she just… cried, not wanting to think about their bodies, their cold dead eyes and the fact that she'd been the one who made it out, not Roewe who was so funny or Penny who was so good at gymnastics, or Muslin who was so kind, or Taffeta who was… well, she didn't deserve to die either, especially when Ascot could've died instead (and a part of her would have preferred it, too).

She was just nine, and she was so alone, and even if she hates thinking about it, how terribly afraid she was, how isolated she felt, Ascot would never forget the bullets and the way her ears rang and the bodies and the fact she should've been one of them.

The cereal tastes like rubber in between her teeth, but it's fine, she doesn't deserve nicer food anyways, doesn't deserve scrambled eggs and cheese like Riora, Vienata, Henry, and Adrian do. Because that's what Ascot is, after all, just rubber, expendable and bouncing around from one place to the next without serving any real purpose.

"Can you chew any louder?" Vienata mocks her, as is typical, "I get that you're basically eating horse food but you don't need to make such a ruckus about it."

Because he always has something to say, it seems, Adrian who's twelve chimes in with, "Is it because she's a horse? Is it because Ascot's a horse?"

She looks to Thyra and Stefan, half expecting them to do something and half just wanting to guilt them with the pain in her eyes even if it'll never work. "I'm not a horse," she mumbles under her breath, hoping nobody'll hear this next part, "Unlike you."

"What did you say to my darling little brother?" Vienata slaps her on the wrist, though it hardly stings anymore, "Did you of all people really just call my darling brother Henry a horse. Does he go around from place to place because nobody's ever loved him? Does he not know who his parents are? No, that's right, but you, you don't know anything," and her voice gets louder and louder, "Did you hear that Ascot? I said you don't know—"

"Enough, please" Henry, who's her age is just about the most reasonable person in that house, which isn't really saying much, "Why do you have to be such a cynic?"

Vienata rolls her eyes, "I'm just giving Ascot the benefit of the doubt by telling her that the only reason she's here is so my parents— which I'm emphasizing because I know mine, want government payments. That's all you are, Ascot, a way to get money yet you couldn't even succeed at that, which is why we're dumping you out."

I thought it was because you're horrible people and the neighbors called the Peacekeepers on 'ya one too many times from all the yelling… but I digress… She's speechless, which is to be expected at this point around Vienata in all honesty, and even if she did say something, it wouldn't matter, I'm just overreacting, this can't be that bad for three more weeks.

"Vienata's right," Riora crosses her arms against the table, "You're worthless, Ascot."

It's the same as it is everyday, mornings of melancholic monotony until somebody finally breaks, and today it just so happens to be Adrian's turn, "Can you three just shut up?"

Three? As if I'm involved in this. Ascot exhales sharply, don't say something, don't say something, don't say something… still, there's not much time left for her to be there, not much time left for her to not stand up for herself and say something to them, because maybe then she'd feel better, no wait that's doubtful, she's not worthy of feeling better, she's not worthy of happiness.

What she wants to say is a massive "fuck you," to Adrian and then to Riora and Vienata before smashing their faces into the table, but fuck, Ascot's too… ugh… it's so time consuming and… she's so tired of it, so sick of them.

Thyra slams her coffee mug against the table, "I'm sorry, but I really can't deal with all of this, especially this morning."

"You don't have to," Stefan tries to hold her hand but he just slaps her aside, fitting since it's common knowledge that the old man's having an affair.

"Oh, fuck off," Thyra growls and knocks over one of the plates so that it hits the ground, "All of you fuck off!"

And thus begins more screaming, more violent noises that boarder on being incomprehensible, Ascot eventually ducking her head under the table to find Henry doing the exact same, "Pretty wild up there, isn't it?"

She nearly smiles, "Tell me about it."

Glass shatters and curses fly through the air, but at least Ascot doesn't have to see any of it, at least Ascot doesn't have to be subjected to the monstrosities and the terror and all the pain… that almost but not quite reminds her of her time with the Dressels. It's too close, that's for sure.

"Do you think they'll ever stop?" Henry asks with an earnest expression, "Like… what's it going to take for them to just all shut up."

Well… the two of them getting a divorce would probably help, as would Vienata and Riora getting their asses beat and realizing that the whole world doesn't revolve around them. And then really, could somebody please introduce Adrian to the concept of having good manners, it's ridiculous, There's a whole list of problems with the Tamarind family, and unfortunately none of them are the sort that'll go away with her, and that just makes her feel even more… well, useless, irrelevant, just a moment in time that'll soon disappear as if it was never meant to happen in the first place.

That's what she was to the Wilmingtons, and the Northcotts, and the Dressels, and the Villanuevas, and now the Tamarinds, just a wasted moment in time that ultimately had no effect on anything, and if it did… everything just changed for the worst.

She looks at Henry, all wide-eyed and full of life because he's privileged enough to be, and part of Ascot feels her heart break for his optimism even as storms break above them. If only she was the same, "I have no clue, Henry… I have no damn clue…"

Day is here fading
That's when I'm insane
I flirt with suicide
Sometimes kill the pain
I can't always say
"It's gonna be better tomorrow"
Falling away from me

Verdigris Ahane-Voclain. 16.
District Five Tribute.
TW: Mentions of prostitution and alcoholism.

They're not too sure whether or not they'd be alive if it weren't for Viridian. And that's funny, considering not even five years ago, if Verdigris was told they'd be spending their afternoon with their now step-father, they'd kick and scream on the floor and probably yell at the guy for "taking away" her father.

But now, things are different, and even if the slums of Veyron City are hardly breathable at times, and even if nine out of ten times, their family dinner consists of instant pasta prepared with unfiltered water from a tap, Verdigris is almost happy, which in large has to do with Viridian's presence in their life.

In fact, their smile is obvious instead of muted when the man taps them on the head whilst they're sitting on the ground and staring into space, an enthusiastic tone in his voice when he tells Verdigris, "You ready to go?"

"Sure thing," They brush the dust that had been collecting on their black sweats to the grown and stand up, slightly tilting their head so they can look Viridian in the eyes and hold a proper conversation, "What did you have in mind for us today?"

Viridian always makes the best plans for the two of them, whether it's sneaking into Veyron's fancier museums and playing hide and go seek or borrowing books from the library and reading them out loud to one another, or even just sitting and talking, it's always a good time with the two of them. And as far as Verdigris is concerned, it best stay like that for the rest of their life.

With a swing in his step, Viridian opens the door to their apartment and gestures towards the hallway, "I was thinking we feed pigeons at the— well, I can't exactly call it a park, but I think that's what it's supposed to be."

Verdigris chuckles as the two of them step out on to street, their arms linked between one another's once they're able to pull shut the strings on their hooded sweatshirt so that their face is barely visible.

"Why're you doing that for," Viridian tries to loosen Verdigris' hood but is blocked almost immediately, "C'mon Verdi', don't you want everybody to see your pretty— I mean handsome — I mean whatever you want it to be but generally positive face?"

Verdigris snickers, ever since they told Viridian that they didn't give the slightest of fucks regarding their gender, he's been trying to use less gendered language, even though they've said time and time again that the truly… don't care, but that's besides the point, "Not particularly." They shrug, but then realize that their step-father's probably getting all worried so they add, "I mean, I think I look fine myself, but it's more just me not wanting to be seen by the other kids."

To put things in the least obnoxiously quirky way possible, Verdigris has never really been normal in comparison to the other kids their age. It's probably due to the whole, "running away with their father at age seven because their mom's a literal psychopath" thing, but the other kids don't know that. Instead they just see a weird kid in old raggedy clothes and flesh practically hanging from their bones, and of course that leads them to find more problems with Verdigris. The constant shitting on their personal appearance morphed into unnecessary commentary on the way they wrote and their lack of self-control when it came to taking their turn in class, and even if that era of their life hassle to a less than blissful end, they don't need to see those kids again, especially not Rendon….

Rendon who had told Verdigris that heir father was a prostitute (as if they didn't know), that they were going to end up the same way (which they were now realizing would probably be an issue). Rendon who said that they'd actually be lucky if they were to become a prostitute, because if he were "anybody reasonable," then he wouldn't sleep with Verdigris, "even if he was the one getting paid." Verdigris ignored it for the most part, because the last thing they wanted was to be like their mother, but it went on and on and on and on and on and it really would have been ridiculous if Verdigris didn't walk over to him one day and deck him in the face.

At first, they didn't really know what had come over them, yet they didn't even want to think about that because all they could see was their vision turning red as they continued to swing their fists at the boy. He was too confused and shocked to even say anything until he was a slumped over figure on the ground with a chipped tooth, a broken nose, a busted lip, and a swollen eye. Verdigris didn't fully realize how badly they'd beaten up Rendon until they saw the blood that was drenching his shirt… "I'm sorry…" they'd said but they weren't quite sure if they meant it. Rendon couldn't even move his lip to apologize, and that when it fully sank it to Verdigris that they had seriously fucked up.

"Dear Mr. Voclain, we regret to inform you that your daughter Verdigris Voclain has been expelled from Ceyron Academy due to an incident of excessive violence towards one of our other students, rendering our school an unsafe learning environment," They read the letter they'd been sent home with to their father Viorel that night, before explaining everything to him. How Rendon had belittled them and mocked them and how… "The turning point what when he made fun of you, Dad," because despite the fact Verdigris knew Viorel's line of work was taboo, it allowed him to put food on the table. Still, they couldn't fine a justification for their behavior… "I don't know, still… I really shouldn't have hit him so many times," because that was one step closer to becoming their mother, one step closer to—

"I promise, you're okay." Yet Viorel was nothing but reassuring to him, which is to be expected considering how soft he is, though that's not a bad thing, "I understand why you did that, and it's natural for you to feel bad since it was objectively not the best of you to have hit somebody, he honestly seems like an awful person, and that means he was bound to get what was coming to him. He should be glad it was you and not somebody else."

Verdigris' father's never really known what to say when they come to him with their problems, probably because he's been through so much himself that their bullying and overall angst seemed like a cake-walk, but that didn't mean that Viorel never tried to cheer Verdigris up. In fact, he always did, sitting by the door of their room with ice cream, promising they could eat it if they just went outside their own personal depression den for an hour. It was always clear that Viorel was worried for their wellbeing, even if they didn't quite get how to help.

They're lucky that the Rendon incident made it so no other school would take them and they'd be homeschooled for the rest of their education, but they're even luckier that they eventually grew warm to Viridian. Because unlike Viorel, who's problems are so otherworldly, Verdigris doesn't even know how to unpack them, Viridian just gets it. An outcast himself, he always seems to know the right thing to say, and Verdigris no longer has to worry about filling Viorel's already full plate with their teenage angst bullshit.

"How come?" Viridian asks, his face softening with concern, "Are you still—"

"Fucking paranoid?" Verdigris cuts him off, "Sure am!" Because even though it's been five years since they swung at Rendon, they're still worried something's going to happen and the universe will somehow get it's revenge on them for being a fucking nightmare at the age of eleven.

(They can't control the fact memories of Rendon's beaten face consume their head at night and they sometimes have to tell themselves not to think about how they wish they'd cracked his back too… or how they wish they'd called their mother to handle it, since that would be even worse… Because I'm a good person! I promise… shit I know I'm a good person.)

Verdigris sighs, they know they're being unreasonable but that doesn't change the fact that all they feel is some fucked-up combination of pain and regret, but they're lucky that Viridian's able to comfort them when he says, "I know you may feel like you're an awful person, but it was years ago. There's no use dwelling on the past and what might be coming as a result of it when you can instead focus on the present. You can focus on the good things, like that stupid bird over there." He points at a pigeon who's got his head seemingly stuck up another pigeon's ass, "And if you're really concerned that bad, we can practice fighting together."

"Huh?" Verdigris only half picks up on the end of his statement, because they're so fucking fascinated as to how the hell a beak could fit up there… "Oh! Yeah… I'm sure it's going to be fine. I don't know why I'm worrying to be honest."

"Because even now, you're worried that if you get too extreme with your anger once more, you'll do something and that'll just make you feel like Mai," They gulp at the fact Viridian's basically verbalized everything they've been thinking, "And you're valid for thinking that, but I promise, you're nothing like your mother. You're a lot cuter, too."

That last parts a lie, and Verdigris knows it. As awful as the things they've heard about her from Viorel are, and the fact they have enough memories to corroborate his claims of abuse, he'd often end his ramblings on Mai's cruelties with, "But all you got were her good traits, so don't worry."

"Correction," They pout, "I'm nothing like my mother now."

"And as long as you've got me and your father with you, you sure as hell won't grow up into her," Viridian smiles and grabs ahold of their hand once more, and just as they always do when they're this close to their step father, Verdigris feels safer than ever. They know Viorel couldn't win many fights, even if he tried, he's pretty frail, but Viridian could protect them for sure.

The two of them arrive at their destination, a park which isn't quite a park due to the overgrowth and swamp water, and sit on a log that isn't stable enough to be a proper bench. Immediately, the pigeons flock towards the two of then, and Viridian digs through his pockets until he feeds a small packet of bird seeds, "You throw it," he insists.

Verdigris rips the parchment and tosses the yellow seeds at the ground, trying not to get any into the drain water or on top of the birds' heads, giggling as they make loud honking noises with every bite they take, pushing past one another to eat. For a second, they lose touch with reality, pretending the birds are dragons and they're a tamer, and now there's nothing they can't accomplish if they work together. It's a simple fantasy, but anything is better than Panem.

As soon as they run out of food, they snap back into reality and see Viridian holding something… and it looks like shit— no, it can't be. He said he stopped drinking before he met my dad because it wasn't good for him. He said— fuck why is he holding this?

"Viridian," Verdigris yells to get his attention, "Why are you holding a flask?"

"Well I'll tell you this because you tell me everything," He sighs, his normally pleasant exterior eroding into something more harsh, "I've been drinking and smoking again—"

"You've what?" Verdigris tries to cut him off but they run out of steam, "Why?"

"Just… don't tell your father and your brother," Viridian begs, "The two of them can't take another heartbreak… and neither can you, which is why I didn't want to tell you."

They regret it immediately after, yet they still say to him, "You're just as bad as my mother, I knew I shouldn't have trusted you."

And then, they leave the man they once called their closest confidant alone on a log that should be a bench, in a swamp that should be a park, but before they can reach the exit, Verdigris turns back around and stares at Viridian in all his messiness.

There's no point being alive if you're alone, They walk towards him once more. It's a tough pill to swallow, but Verdigris Ahane-Voclain is determined to figure everything out, it's what they do best.

enough for you, Olivia Rodrigo / Falling Away From Me, Korn

Well folks, there you have it! Two very sad kids named Ascot and Verdigris. If you're upset because these babies have made you sad, just know I'm interpreting their forms and Tia and Haiden are the real villains here for sending these sweethearts to die.

Thank you so much to everybody who's left a review so far, I really appreciate all the support and thoughts on these crazy kiddos, and I'm super excited to continue introducing them to all of you.

I hope you have a great rest of your week, and if you're going outside, don't be a clown like me and wear sunscreen. Y'all… I got burned five days before I wrote this A/N and it still hurts like a bitch, the sun really ain't messing around this year. Or maybe I'm just secretly a vampire, either explanation works.

Fuck this shit, I'm out,
Linds