Chaper 31: Toast

There was a knock at the door. "Giiirrls," Helen trilled. Jane and Daria exchanged wide-eyed looks over their bowls of Fruity Sugar Pirates, preferred weekend lunch of 11-year-olds and exhausted lesbians everywhere. Helen was three hours early for the engagement dinner prep session she'd insisted on.

Daria gave her fiancée an apologetic wince and set her bowl on the coffee table. Jane watched as she walked to the door, affectionately recalling the concessions Daria had made for Helen since they'd gotten engaged a little over a month ago. For one thing, she'd agreed to this evening's engagement dinner at an unbearably pretentious restaurant, the name of which Jane couldn't recall at the moment.

As Daria opened the door, a beaming Helen swept in and hugged her—followed closely by Jake and many, many tote bags. He cheerfully called out, "Hi, girls!" and then heaved the heavy bags onto the table. Daria regarded them with suspicion.

Seeing her daughter's expression, a wide-eyed Helen innocently remarked, "Just a few little favors. And some floral arrangements."

Daria peered into one of the bags. "And scorecards?"

Jake chimed in, "For the game!" and gave her a quick hug before heading for the bathroom. "I've been drinking coffee since Lawndale."

Jane made her way to the kitchen table and gave Helen a hug, sneaking a peek into the bags as she did so. Several of the totes were filled entirely with rainbow lollipops. "Wow!" Jane exclaimed. "You brought the whole parade with you."

Daria leaned over for a look. "They're really . . . bright." There was a pause. "And nice. Thanks, Mom."

Helen smiled. "There is one little catch. I have a box full of ribbons for the suckers that say 'J D,' and I was hoping you'd help me tie them."

Jane nodded and began pulling lollipops out of the bag. "Yeah, of course. Hey, what's the name of the place we're having dinner again?"

"Toast." She was met with blank stares. "The new restaurant by Jonathan Toast."

Jane had the good sense to pretend she knew what Helen was talking about. "Oh, wow! Toast! I'll wear my fanciest hoodie." Seeing Helen's concerned expression, she quickly followed up with, "Kidding, Toast-appropriate attire only. I promise."

Daria smirked and took a seat at the table. "And I'll keep my human skinsuit on the whole time."

Helen released a small sigh and said, "Oh, Daria," as she and Jane sat down. "Now! Here's how we attach the ribbons." They were all quietly tying knots when Jake joined them. Soon there was a rainbow-colored hill of worrisome size.

"Um, Mom," Daria said. "How many people were invited to this—and I quote—'small, intimate' dinner?"

Helen looked at Jake, who hurriedly went back to tying knots. "Well, I only invited people I knew you'd like to see. And their dates. And when appropriate, their families."

Jane gave her fiancée's leg a comforting little squeeze under the table. Daria appeared to think for a moment, then shrugged resignedly and turned her attention to her pile of ribbons.

* * *

Jane adjusted her velvet blazer and took Daria's hand for comfort as guests flowed into the candle-lit banquet room at Toast. They had spent the last hour decorating to Helen's specifications (apparently her pent-up maternal feelings were best expressed through floral arrangement), and now it was too late to call in a bomb threat. Thankfully, Jane spotted Trent and Tom heading for a table in the corner. She and Daria were soon settling in across from them since Helen hadn't assigned seats at the venue—an obvious oversight.

After the obligatory congratulations, Daria asked, "So, where's the future president tonight?"

Tom replied, "She's with the future First Grandma." Jane noticed a storm cloud move over Trent's features, and since no one in the vicinity had insulted one of his favorite metal bands, she figured it must be due to his mother-in-law. Trent picked up his water glass—a picture of brooding in his black silk button-down—and glared into the distance without taking a sip.

Jane leaned over and slowly waved her hand in front of his face. "Hey, Trent. Did you bring enough mushrooms for the rest of us?" This earned her a wry half-smile. He looked to Tom, clearly treading carefully (as one generally does on the topic of someone else's mother).

Tom sighed and gave Trent's shoulder a squeeze. "It would seem my mother has a sudden interest in DNA testing as a 'fun family activity.'"

Jane exchanged a glance with her fiancée, who after a moment of silence remarked, "Oh. It could be fun to find out if you're related to Caligula or the Pope, I suppose." And then, more quietly, "Or determine whether a certain grand-daughter's bloodline meets with grandma's approval."

Trent gave a derisive snort, shook his head, and then abruptly patted Tom's knee. "We'll figure it out. But tonight is about you guys." He raised his water glass. "To Daria and Jane, now and always."

Just after they clinked their glasses, Helen's voice cut through the happy chatter of friends and relatives reuniting and taking their seats. "If I could have your attention for a moment." She waited for the murmurs to die down. "We want to thank each and every one of you for coming out to celebrate Jane and Daria's engagement. Girls, would you please stand up?" They complied, albeit a bit awkwardly. "Don't they look beautiful? Let's give them a hand!" When they were mercifully allowed to sit down, Helen went on. "Now, dinner will be served in about twenty minutes, and then we'll have a fun little game to play with our dessert. I'm so happy you could join us."

As the hum of conversation began once more, Jane spotted a familiar blonde in the crowd and gasped. "Daria! How the hell did your mom get my niece Courtney here?" Summer's daughter was a little over twenty years old now. She and Jane had stayed in touch with occasional text messages and the odd phone call, partly due to their mutual interest in art, but it had been years since they'd seen each other.

Daria appeared thoughtful. "She once led a one-woman campaign to get a new brand of pantyhose pulled from the shelves because she said they made her calves look like two blimps fighting for a parking space. She has a Terminator-like quality when she puts her mind to something."

By then, Courtney was rushing over to them with a wide smile on her face. They were still in the hugs-and-introductions phase when Jane's brother Wind joined the group. And before he could launch into a detailed description of his latest relationship catastrophe, their circle had expanded to include the parents of both brides-to-be, Quinn, and her auburn-haired date—who looked oddly familiar.

As Jane reached out to shake his hand, Quinn piped up, "You remember Jeffy."

Recognition dawned on Jane's face and she responded, "Jeffy! Thanks for coming. How are Joey and...um...the blond one?"

"Jamie." His expression darkened. "He knows what he did." With abrupt good cheer, he added, "Joey is good, though—he has a little landscaping company."

Unsure how to reply, Jane simply responded, "Nice!"

After fifteen minutes of chatting with a never-ending parade of guests, it was time for dinner. Jane had to admit these white-coated magicians with their undoubtedly curling mustaches made a hell of a good chicken parmesan.

Before they knew it, dessert had been served and an uncomfortable-looking Jake was tapping his fork on a glass to get their attention (surely at Helen's urging). He cleared his throat and said, "I hope you all enjoyed your dinner. Now . . . " He consulted an index card in his pocket. "Now it's time to see how well you know our brides-to-be. Scorecards are coming around. Write down your responses individually, because we all know how Jane and Daria feel about group activities." This was met with chuckles and a sheepish smile from Jake. "When we're done, our top five scorers will get prizes!"

Daria leaned over and whispered in Jane's ear, "If they ask about the weirdest place we've done it, I'm leaving."

Jane smirked. "Those printing presses were loud, but I swear I would have noticed if your mom walked in."

Daria shot her a wicked little grin. "I still get turned on by the smell of paper."

When Helen kicked off the game, they were glad to find the questions were pretty innocuous—things like, "What was Daria's nickname for Quinn as a child" (Attila) and "What was Jane's Halloween costume for three years in a row in grade school" (embarrassingly, Super Sparkle Princess With Light-Up Crown). By the time they'd all finished their cheesecake, Quinn had emerged victorious and collected a thoughtfully-curated gift basket that included a book light, modern art postcards, and a newspaper subscription featuring Daria's writing. Helen's not-so-subtle brags could be quite sweet.

Before the hovering wait staff could begin taking dessert plates, Daria and Jane rose to say a few words. Daria started with, "Thank you all for coming. I'd also like to thank my mother for arranging this because, as you may have guessed, the only thing I did was tie some ribbons—the messier ones—and choose my entrée. Please give my mom a hand because she's much, much better at these things than I am."

When the clapping died down, Jane added, "We've also set the date, so mark your calendars for October 27th. Daria has agreed to a Halloween themed wedding, and unfortunately for you, that means you'll need to pick out a costume." The vacant expressions of their friends and family members revealed they weren't sure whether she was serious, so she finished with, "No, really. As gory as you like."