A/N: Some reflection from John and a bit why he's hesitant.
12:32 am.
John sighed and rolled over again. It was no use; he couldn't sleep. His brain was going a million miles an hour. Not that that was unusual in itself, but the subject was.
Rose.
Specifically, Rose having a date. Rose didn't date. In all the years he's known her, she has maybe gone out three times. All were disasters.
The first was that jock in high school; John didn't bother to learn his name. He had immediately been his enemy when he found out about the date. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he remembered.
The three of them entered the ice cream parlor. After placing their orders, they chose a seat near the back of the joint. Clara loved to people watch, hence why she was interested in psychology. John found it cute.
A big group of jocks entered, no doubt done with practice. John rolled his eyes but said nothing as Clara explained to Rose who they were. This gave John the opportunity to observe her.
Beautiful wasn't enough. She was more than that. Gorgeous maybe? Her long blonde hair fell in waves down her back. He wanted to run his hands through it and his fingers twitched to do so.
But what really got him was her eyes.
Cinnamon-colored and oh-so-expressive. He could see her soul and he hadn't even been looking! He knew at the lockers that he wanted to know Rose better. Something was stirring inside him.
The waitress brought their orders. Clara smiled at hers: banana split. So predictable. John snickered at her and shook his head.
"Oi, watch it nerd," she said to him. Rose laughed. John's heart stuttered.
What is she doing to me? He wondered.
"Like yours is any better," Clara said, pointing at John's bowl of strawberry ice cream. It was pretty plain, he knew that, but why order something he might not like?
"It's ice cream," Clara had said once. "You'll like it regardless."
He shook his head and placed the spoon in his mouth. "Not true," he said. "I had black cherry once and didn't like that."
His sister rolled her eyes.
Deciding that he hadn't annoyed her enough today, he turned to his left and stuck his spoon in a big glob of ice cream. He scooped it up and put it in his mouth.
"Hey!" Clara said, smacking his arm. "No sharing, remember?" Both John and Rose laughed.
Risking a glance at the beautiful blonde across from him, he saw she pretty much had the same as his, only hers was butter brickle. He made a mental note to remember that.
"Oh no," Rose said. "She forgot my spoon." Scooting out of the booth, she headed quickly to the counter.
He tried, and failed, to not stare at her ass as she walked away. He felt a stirring in his lower regions and he subtlety adjusted his seat.
"Jesus," Clara said as she took a bite. "Just ask her out already." Nothing gets past her.
Looking down at his ice cream, he sighed. "She won't want me."
Clara rolled her eyes. "I saw how she was looking at you." She grabbed her napkin to wipe some ice cream that was now rolling down her chin. "Trust me, she's into you."
He stole a glance at the blonde and froze. At the counter, holding her spoon, Rose was in conversation with one of the jocks. He was tall with a buzz cut, a purple jumper and leather jacket. John was pretty sure he had history with the guy, though he never paid attention to his classmates. He did remember that the guy had a distinct northern accent.
She laughed heartily, throwing her head back and placing her hand on his arm. John narrowed his eyes at that, his heart sinking.
No matter how beautiful she is, I won't stand a chance, he thought glumly as he took another bite of his quickly-melting ice cream. She has caught the eye of the quarterback; it's pointless to try. Best to cut my losses now.
And with that, John Smith buried his feelings for Rose Tyler; content on being her best friend.
John turned on his right side to try again. The pillow was cool against his cheek. He watched the light from the moon and the occasional headlights dance on his wall.
"It's getting harder to fight them," he said to himself. "These feelings I've had for her since day one I was able to bury for a long time, but now…I don't know. It's as though something in the universe was telling me that now is the time."
He sighed and reached for his phone. Squinting as the light hit his face, he pulled up his favorite picture of her. It was one he drew. He had difficulty with her eyes, given how expressive they were, but he finally managed it. He had done this in college, after burying his feelings deep. He was unsure why he had drawn his best friend, but it wasn't out of the realm of possibility. He had several drawings of his sister and college friends, so why not?
"Rose," he said softly to the picture. "My Rose. How am I going to handle you dating Harold Saxon? Even if you are 'spying' on him as Clara suggested, the thought of you with another man makes my blood run cold. My feelings for you are strong; I can't…I can't fight them anymore. It's time to bring the ship into the shore."
Rose continued to smile at him through the picture. He gently ran a finger over her lips.
"How do these feel? I bet they're soft. I bet they would melt against me. I can imagine them being tentative at first, but then they weaken. They meld against mine, perfect fit. And kissing you would be the ultimate pleasure."
Not for the first time, his dick began waking up. He groaned and glared at his pants.
"You are no help," he said, putting the phone down. He had to think of something fast or he would be getting off to his best friend's face. And while he wanted that, so much, he felt it wasn't right. At least, not yet.
Baseball…the calculations to the formula we're working on…River Song….
That did it.
River Song was his colleague at the lab. She was pretty, but he was never attracted to her. He never understood why though, as she fancied him. Of course, he knew now that it was because of his feelings for the blonde a few blocks away.
But River was bossy; she was manipulative. She constantly tried to get what she wanted. Sometimes she succeeded, sometimes she didn't. She flirted with him every chance she got; he figured it was because of the promotion he was awarding at the end of the year.
The thought back to last New Year's Eve and how he was made aware of her.
He was beginning to figure his feelings for the beautiful blonde out. She had left to go visit her parents for the holidays and he missed her tremendously. He always missed her when she left, another clue that he never picked up on, but this was worse. He found himself constantly checking his phone for a text, scrolling through her Instagram for any updates, and downright driving himself batty.
Clara even commented on it. She plays the part of an unobservant sister, but he knew she knew. Just like high school. She asked him why this was bothering him so much.
"I can't say, Clara. But it does. I just…miss her."
The brunette sighed and wrapped her arms around her big brother's waist. "Go to the party tonight; have fun. Take your mind off of her. Tomorrow is the New Year and the day after that, she returns."
He squeezed his sister back and then turned to get ready. She was right.
His lab always hosted the grandest New Year's Eve party. A popular band was brought in and food catered from one of the finer restaurants in London. People always wanted an invite to the party of the year and he was happy to have as many as he could.
It was a bit of a political move. Since Saxon was breathing down his neck, for absolutely NO reason, he felt the more people he had show up, the better it looked for him. It would help solidify his reputation as an HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY doctor; that his lab is safe and takes all precautions to protect his people AND the animals.
He was determined to find the mole.
The party was in full swing when he arrived. He sighed, wishing Rose was on his arm. She had attended in the past, along with Clara, but this year he was solo. It was going to be a long night.
After making the rounds, he was heading to his office to pick up a memo he'd forgotten when River stepped out in front of him. She wore a brilliant smile. He noticed her dress was black and skin tight and while she was sexy to some men, it did nothing for him.
She's not HER.
"Hello River."
"Doctor," she said with a slur. It was obvious she'd had a little TOO much to drink. She slid her way up to him before he realized what had happened.
"Want company?" she whispered in his ear. He side-eyed her and swallowed, not liking where this was going.
"No, actually I was grabbing something from my office."
She chuckled and placed her hand on his chest. He drew in a breath. "River," he said quietly. "You're crossing a line."
Leaning forward, she placed a kiss on his cheek. "I've been trying to get your attention for years, doctor. How have you never noticed?"
Because I'm not interested in you that way, he thought. Instead, he gently removed her hand and looked her square in the eye. "Let me call you a cab, River. I'll make sure you get home and even pay for the fare."
He started to turn when she grabbed him by the neck and pressed her lips to his forcefully. His eyes widened and his hands were flailing about, unsure of what to do. He tried to pull away and she increased her hold.
After about five seconds, he broke the embrace. He looked at her, some lipstick on his bottom lip. She looked triumphant. He was angry that she had done that; even angrier at himself for LETTING it happen. He should have stepped away from her as soon as she placed her hand on his chest. He let it go too far, even though he DID warn her. And he also felt guilt, as though he was cheating on Rose.
THAT is what broke the surface of his buried feelings.
He finally stepped back from his colleague, who was trying to reach for him again. Without a word, he turned and walked into his office. He shut and locked the door, just to be safe. Then he rested his head against the wooden apparatus and shut his eyes, sighing deeply.
John knew that in the morning, River won't remember her actions. Or if she did, will be too embarrassed to say anything. He didn't want to lose her; she was a brilliant scientist. But he realized he needed to be crystal clear that NOTHING was going to happen between them. She wasn't his type.
His type was currently in Cardiff with her parents.
John's erection was now under control, thank god. He had to shut his brain off if he wanted any sleep. Although she was doing it as a favor, he feared Rose would actually fall for Harold Saxon. He was charming and suave. He was everything John was not.
And seeing her with him, even just pretend, would kill him.
But what could he do? He didn't believe Rose Tyler, the beautiful A-list supermodel with over ten million Insta followers would ever be interested in a nerdy guy like him. His feelings were unrequited but he would never stop them. He was too far gone; had been since day one.
John slowly got out of bed and stretched, glancing at the lock.
1:13 am.
Sighing, he left his bedroom and quietly walked to the stairs, not wanting to wake Clara. When he reached the bottom, he headed into the kitchen to start some warm milk. That always helped him sleep.
He glanced out the window at the stars, hoping they would help guide him in the right direction. They were silent, of course, but he continued to stare. The milk began burning and he removed it from the heat and poured the steaming hot liquid into a mug.
Turning on his heel, he headed outside. It was a fairly cool night, summer was coming to a close. Fall would be here in about a month. He smiled as he brought the mug to his lips.
Fall is Rose's favorite time of year. Maybe I can devise some way of letting her know how I feel through the beautiful colors.
John saw a shooting star as he continued to stand on the patio. He wasn't sure he should take the risk and tell her that his feelings have grown over the years; that she was more than his best friend. That he was, without a doubt, irrevocably in love with her. It may shatter his heart beyond repair.
Some people are worth getting your heart broken for.
A/N: Thanks for reading!