It's the OQ Feels for Me

Before It Sinks In

He was out late again. It was one of many nights she's spent in the past few months that she's made dinner for two and the food has gone cold before she resigned herself to storing a portion for one in the refrigerator while she slowly ate her reheated food before scraping the last bits into the trash.

The water grows cold as she showers away the remnants of the day and the ache in her heart. She doesn't feel the freezing water cascading down her back, she's numb to it all. Her face is hot with fresh tears as once again she realizes he's slipping away. He's been slipping away for quite some time but until recently she hadn't realized how far gone he truly was.

The apartment they moved in together at the start of their junior year and made their home was no longer filled with happiness. Gone was the warmth in coming home to his arms when she stayed late studying or working a shift at the diner. Gone were the romantic quiet dinners at home he made with cheap ramen noodles that he fancied up with the fresh vegetables she used for her salads. As she wandered around the apartment she began to notice more of her things seemed prominent and his touches seemed absent. It seemed silly that her shoes outnumbered his at the entrance way until she realized all of his shoes were gone. She locked the door. It would probably be another night he wouldn't grace their bed.

Sleep somehow came easy to her that night. Realization setting in that he was truly lost to her and had been for awhile – she doesn't know why it has taken this long to see it for herself. The signs were all there and she kicks herself for not paying closer attention to them. Tonight she would allow herself much needed rest. Tomorrow will be a busy, if not emotionally taxing, day for her. Her mother's voice echoing in her head, "pull yourself together, you are a Mills woman and love is weakness." She was always certain her mother had never known true love, that maybe if she had she wouldn't be the way she was. Tonight though, it dawned on Regina that perhaps her mother's attitude about love was because she had loved once and was utterly destroyed, just how Regina was utterly destroyed in this moment. Now, she had to pull herself together. No love or man was worth this much pain and she wasn't going to allow herself to live in this place any longer. One last night, that's all she will give to herself and tomorrow she will start anew.

Morning light breached the darkness in her bedroom. Her bedroom, not theirs. This morning her eyes weren't puffy from crying herself to sleep and she actually felt refreshed. She sat up in bed and stretched, sighing to herself. She made a commitment to herself and now was the time to honor it. She headed to the kitchen to start a new morning routine; making breakfast and coffee for herself. The water boiled in the percolator while she ground fresh beans for pour over coffee. Robin used to make this for them because she couldn't quite manage keeping the gooseneck kettle at the proper temperature. This morning, however, she was determined to get it right – she could make her own damn coffee. As the water seeped through the filter into the carafe below, she got started on frying eggs, sunny-side up with a slightly runny yolk. Egg breakfast usually consisted of scrambled eggs and buttered toast because that's what Robin liked and she compromised far too much for him. No, today she would have her sunny-side up eggs and fresh fruit. Opening the curtains to the eat-in kitchen, she watched the scenes outside her window. A woman running on the side walk with her dog. A young couple taking their small child for a stroll. A man carrying groceries towards the adjacent apartment building. Life had been so wrapped up in Robin and planning their lives together, she had lost the wonder of exploring life around her. She can't remember the last time she went for a jog or met her girlfriends for coffee at the local shop. Heck, she couldn't even remember the last time she got to hang out with her friends. For the past four years her entire life has revolved around school and Robin and their future. A future that was now gone and she suddenly found herself floundering. Well, no more. Regina found her phone laying on the counter, scrolled through her contacts and started a group text with her friends and prayed to God they wouldn't shun her now.

Regina: Hey guys, I know it's been a while but I just don't know what to do

She set her phone down and waited. It was early yet and maybe they weren't awake just yet. Moving about her kitchen, she loaded the dishwasher and started the load. Sitting on the sofa, she thought about turning on the television to look for sad sappy romance movies. The television was one of their first major purchases. It was a big screen television and Robin wanted to hang it on the wall instead of purchasing a stand. Regina had to remind him of the security deposit they wouldn't be able to get back if he damaged the walls.

Ping ping

Regina's phone let out an alert, signaling someone was texting her. She didn't know who to pray was texting her; Robin or her friends responding to her group text.

Mallory: Well, well, look who it is, lover girl. To what do we owe this pleasure?

After a few minutes spent in disbelief that her friend had responded.

Regina: Hey. I just could really use a friend right now and I know I haven't really been around l
but I don't really know what to do.

Mallory: Oh, trouble in paradise? Just like we said?

Ursula: Don't be mean, Mal. Sorry Regina, some of us don't know decorum. Wassup?

Regina: Well, Mal is right about one thing, trouble in paradise.

Ursula: Oh my. Do we need to beat him up for you?

Regina: No, nothing like that. Mostly just need some emotional support.

Mallory: But I so like twisting someone's balls.

Regina: As much as I would like that, I really just need some support.

Ursula: Sure, anything you need. You want us to come over? Binge some movies? Ice-cream?

Regina: No, I already know what I have to do, what I need to do.

Mallory: Alright, fine, we'll be there around noon. Does that sound good?

Regina: Yeah, sure. I just don't want to be alone right now.

Ursula: Oh girl, we'll be there as soon as we can.

Regina: Thanks guys, seeya soon

Regina let out a sigh of relief. It was going to be hard to follow through with her decision, so she was grateful her friends would be there shortly to help her. To help her get rid of any and everything that had to do with Robin. If she wanted to get on with her life, she could have no reminders of him tugging at her heart, holding her back.

Here's part I - I'll be back with the other parts once my new lap top arrives!